Enneagram: Levels Of Health for Type 3

hey guys welcome to my channel my name is dr tom lehu and today we're going to be looking at uh the levels of health or the levels of self-mastery for type 3 the achiever the winner the conqueror and the superstar the politician uh we're going to be exploring more about type three and before we get started i just want to remind you that in the description below is a link to my website tomlehue.com where you can book coaching appointments if you want to know more about the enneagram or know more about your type or more about how to be a healthy version of yourself or how to get along with the people in your life that can sometimes be difficult to get along with that's uh what what we do here so um i'd love to encourage you to check that out also thanks to my patrons i really appreciate your support for this channel and your support for this content so today we're gonna jump into uh type three and uh we're gonna look a little bit deeper into type three and uh you know here's a person that wants to achieve accomplish and win uh here's a person that gets their sense of worth and value from what they have attained from how they are performing in life from what they're doing you know i was just looking at the childhood wounds of each type and if you haven't looked into that that's worth looking at it can be a little bit painful for you to read that or as even as a parent if you read down through these childhood wounds of each type if you know your child's type to to realize that you know that all of us no matter how hard we try as parents no matter how hard we uh want to be supportive and loving none of us are perfect we're all broken we're all fallen we're all um we're all wounded and you know as christians that should be no big surprise to us after all we are saved by the wound by the wound that was inflicted on our savior so let's look at uh type three i was reading through uh the age type and maybe that will one day be its own video but long story short is i just want to summarize it here the wound of the three is they felt rewarded and loved only for what they did not for who they are or for what they uh what they are as a person but only for what they accomplish their feelings were discounted and it was only their performance that was expected that mattered and this kind of harmed their ability to understand themselves appreciate themselves love themselves and see the value in themselves so twos threes and fours you know are all in the worth feelings heart category uh division and uh for threes i think they're the obvious um the obvious ones in that category in the sense of feeling like their worth and value is attached to what they accomplish they're the ones that i think most obviously look like they're trying to prove their worth in value now i don't know that that's obvious two or three themselves i don't think i think a three could go you know virtually years maybe their lifetime without ever really understanding the engine that's driving their need to perform and excel the rest of us looking on might pick up on the fact that this person really attaches a lot of significance to what they've attained for how they're performing and for what they are accomplishing and for what their exterior is projecting in other words what they look like or how they interact in a positive way now that being said i don't think threes are often very much in touch with that heart feeling center i mean that's kind of the point of the the the numbers on the on the triangle the six the three and the nine is they tend to be out of touch with the very category that they're in sixes are out of touch with with being able to think through their problems themselves they feel scared and so they want to take action and so their brain is racing to take action what action should they take in order to stay safe nines are out of touch with action and so they're thinking and feeling but they they may not may not take those dreams and plans and put them into action or they're in action mode they're just doing without really thinking and feeling about what they're doing threes are in the feeling center but they're disconnected from their feelings they are thinking and acting thinking about what they need to do to approve their worth and then taking action to prove their worth and maybe quite disconnected from their feelings uh quite disconnected from feeling a sense of value and worth without the actions without taking action okay so they're chasing something threes have a very powerful engine within them that is driving them and moving them to accomplish all that they do and then after they accomplish it then they write books for the rest of us how we could be more like them how we could accomplish more in our lives and a lot of the self-help movement a lot of the self-help in terms of like business those kinds of books are written by threes and our three values so essentially they're saying look at all i did look at all i accomplished look at all i care about you should be like this you should be more like this um you can accomplish more especially that three wing two you know and now i want to help you accomplish and be all that you can be my help to you is to blaze a trail of accomplishments and then show you and challenge you that you could be like this as well and that's all great but it's all very surface level stuff um and i think threes would be wise to pause and slow down and really think about all that they have accomplished and and what it says about them and what it doesn't say about them uh who are they apart from all these accomplishments who are they apart from all of these awards and all of this achievement and all of this beauty and style and exterior who is the inner person threes can be a little bit cut off from that inner person they over identify with the exterior the persona and sometimes they're cut off from really knowing themselves uh in that way threes can be like nines where nines might not know themselves very well and just sort of move through life in routines or be led through life by others by the hands of others threes can sort of get to the top of the pile of accomplishments and never really be in touch with themselves and know themselves or be invested in working on the inner person or the inner life so focused on the exterior now that being said i find it interesting and i'm not really sure what to make of it that i do a lot of appointments with people i really do i do a lot of appointments in fact i had to scale it back i used to offer three-week and six-week coaching plans and i was just getting them booked up so quickly that i was i was getting overwhelmed and i had to go to single appointments only and limit my availability and what one thing i've noticed in coaching people is i don't get a lot of threes i find that interesting i don't get a lot of threes making appointments so i i find that interesting because here's the type that desperately wants to be the best they want to perform they want to achieve here's the self-help section of the enneagram okay now i think sevens might own the positivity section eights probably own the books with all the swear words you know like how the fine art of not giving a you know blank eights kind of own that little bit of a section i think nines can own the metaphysical section you know the um what is it all matter the richard carlson don't sweat the small stuff section of the but threes really own the business self-help be a better you section and yet i find it interesting that for all of that they're not really making appointments at least with me about how to know themselves better and be a better version of themselves i don't know that threes really want to take the time to stop and pause and deal with the inner stuff deal with the inner things and i get that i'm a seven right and sevens can be similar in that way and that they're so driven toward what we want to think will make us happy that sevens don't often pause to really evaluate and deal with with what life is and what life's purpose is and and how to be more present to life and i think threes are so driven so focused so into what do i need to do today and what do i need to do that they rarely take the time to really pause and reflect know themselves know the people that they live with and really be present in that deeper more meaningful way i just find it interesting okay so let's get into the book the book we're looking at today is bringing out the best in everyone you coach by ginger lapid bogda phd and very helpful book and she has in this a section for each type on the three levels of of mastery self mastery or three levels of health we could say it that way we're going to start with the lowest level and work up to the highest level and just just talk about it just just think about it okay maybe you know someone that's a three or live with someone that's a three and uh this might help you kind of evaluate you know where they're at or how they're doing or whether they're under stress and and if you are a three this will no doubt be helpful to you and i hope that you as a three are watching this video because this is exactly the kind of thing that i would recommend for threes to slow down you know pause a little bit go to that healthy part of nine and just slow down for a minute and uh kind of separate yourself from all you're doing and accomplishing and um really take some time to evaluate life all right so let's talk about the lowest level of of self mastery for a three um in the book is called the calculator the calculator is the lowest level of of health calculator i think it has the idea of like behind the scenes calculating what do i need to do next uh how should i take the next step um rather than just being comfortable with life rather than just being here and just being present or just being you know just being this person is calculating their next move over focused on what steps do i take next to strategically move the agenda forward okay so the core fear at this lowest level of a three is an extreme fear of failure since failure would make the three feel that he or she has no value and again i would encourage you i say this all the time take a walk through the nursery at the hospital look at all the infants what have they accomplished what have they done what have they achieved what positions do they hold what labels are they wearing none of that and yet who could walk through that nursery and and think that any one of those babies doesn't have immense value of course they have intrinsic value meaning just by virtue of being alive every one of those infants has intrinsic value and it's not just value that the parents assigned to that child you know the parents may not even want that child and so they put the child up for adoption and then some other set of parents come along see and recognize the value of that child and adopt that child so every person and it is not something that goes away simply because we get older you know you don't hit first grade and now you have zero value you don't hit fifth grade and okay well now you're zero value but i think threes twos threes and fours can all get confused on this area and threes kind of feel like you know if i'm not getting straight a's or if i'm not on the football team or if i'm not excelling in some way if i don't make eagle scout if if i'm not performing well they're not going to love me just for me they're not going to love me and so threes kind of settle for admiration rather than love you know all of us need to be loved and all of us need to love others and threes it's kind of like they they're settling for people's admiration instead of love and so if everybody's applauding you know that feels great but that's not the same thing as being loved by people to be admired by people and you know when you receive people's admiration realize that with that always comes some measure of people's disdain yeah you know when you get to the top and everybody's applauding you everybody is uh you know flattering you realize that there's going to be some level of people being um envious of you and wanting to see you fail wanting to see your demise and so people's applause and people's approval admiration people's affection is not the same thing as really knowing and being known by people loving and being loved by people to be loved by people you have to be real with people and that's the whole thing with threes is threes have a hard time being real i think threes have a hard time being real with themselves they don't want to slow down long enough to figure out what real looks like it's like no i got to keep moving no i got to keep accomplishing no i got to keep winning no i got to keep i got to press on because if i start to decline in what i am accomplishing if i no longer are making straight a's well then they won't admire me anymore they won't approve of me anymore and i don't know that threes really sit and think about how much they're depending on others to mirror back to them a sense of value a sense of worth nines look at threes and nines think wow i need to be more like that i need to try to accomplish more like that and maybe that's maybe there's some degree of truth in that you know nine does look like a three when they're healthy balanced between their wings but i think there's a lot in which a nine a three could look at a nine and say you know maybe i could slow down maybe i could rest maybe i need to just let somebody else win ooh that's probably painful for a three there's that competitive drive within threes to prove their worth and value to prove now i don't i don't know that that's obvious to a three again i think a three just wakes up and thinks i gotta win i gotta accomplish i got to achieve i gotta i got to start another business i've got to i've got to get my i get that management position once they get the management position they're looking for supervisor and so threes can find themselves like continuously on job interview never really settled never really feeling like okay i've arrived i can just kind of relax now i can just kind of take it easy i can just kind of enjoy and start to pursue other things in my life [Music] like hobbies and relationships and personal interests you know all of those things are important to life as well and you might want to ask yourself am i really successful if i don't have time for people am i really successful if i don't have time to just be a friend to somebody if they can't advance my agenda in some way then why would i be friends with them if they can't strategically move me forward then that friendship is of no worth and value and i think when threes think like this they're really cutting off whole sections of life that the rest of us find value in that just knowing people and being known by people and allowing people to see your failures [Music] is in its own way a great success the reality is is nobody can accomplish and win and achieve all the time it would be exhausting wouldn't it and a lot of threes are very exhausted driven you know driven sounds like a good word in our culture being driven oh i'm such a driven person but i don't know that driven is exactly how i want people to describe me you know like think like cattle cattle are driven right by dogs and cowboys um cowboys you know yell and holler and whoop and shoot guns in the air and dogs bark and growl and bite at the ankles of cattle and cattle are driven you go on a cattle drive right cattle are driven from one location to another and then they're slaughtered don't forget that part then they're slaughtered and when you describe yourself as a driven competitive you know person you you sound very proud about that but maybe you could stop and think for a moment like what is driving me what what's what's driving this need to accomplish i see what you're running toward i really do i see what you're running toward you're running toward that title you're running toward that corner office you're running toward that position that admiration people's respect you're running toward that center of attention but what may not be as obvious to you is what are you running away from what are you running away from sevens we're running away from the feeling of being bored or stuck or in pain or not being cared nurtured okay what are you running away from well you say i don't know i don't have never thought about that well that would be a good thing to think about i mean that's deeper inner life kind of stuff what are you running away from why don't you pause for a minute why don't you just put everything down for a second and just think to yourself like why do i need people to think i'm great what does it do for me i mean what does it really accomplish for me to have another certificate on the wall will i then be what admired by people taken seriously by people if i leave this job and move on to the next better higher paying job what does that really accomplish for me maybe i like the job that i'm in right now do you like the people that you're in do you know the people that you're working with right now do they know you chances are if you're a three you may not really spend time getting to know the people oh you might know who can move you forward you might know who could advance you in some way you might know who your fans are but what kind of real solid relationships are you investing in right now well i don't have time for that well what else is there in life i mean you're going to get just like a nine gets to the end of their life and thinks how did i where did life go you're gonna get you run the risk let's put it that way you run the risk as a three of getting to the end of your life disconnected from all of the people that should have mattered to you your kids your husband your wife your family your you know your your community all of the friendships that you could have had at work you could have had in your community you could have had in your church but those weren't really important those weren't what was driving you to be connected but there is a success that can be known um in relationships that maybe hasn't been a priority at this point what i'm saying is all of your attention and focus if you're not careful is on work on your physique on how people are you know your schooling your education your training your self-improvement but what about your soul what about your spiritual life what about your relationships what about your friendships what about your eternity see there's there's things that you're going to have to one day lay all of this aside and will all people said of you is wow they really accomplished a lot that they eventually had to lay down um you know think about the people in your life that you love the people that you're close to when you were a child you know the people in your life that that mattered to you grandma you know uncle billy um who were the people that mattered did they matter because they had accomplished a lot did they matter because they had a great title or did they matter because they cared about you because you mattered to them because they valued you well you can matter to other people by valuing them by caring about them it won't get you some kind of acknowledgement and an award it won't get you some kind of accomplishment an achievement that you can hang on a wall or wear on a a pen on your on your on your vest but that's really what life is really about knowing others knowing yourself relating to others caring about others being in community with others and i think threes can sometimes define success in such a limited way that all of their energy focuses on work on accomplishing on attaining and then you get to the end and yeah you've got all these badges and awards but maybe there was more to life than everybody's because eventually you know the the cheers and the applause and the admiration fades the beauty fades and what are you holding now what do you have left all right deep stuff right again that's why i think a three has a a four wing because fours want to know themselves fours want to do what feels right and intrinsically valuable to themselves and the three needs that centering of the four they also need the kindness of the two and the compassion of the two threes without that two could be quite cruel because whatever it takes to win could be quite cruel so the two says be compassionate be kind think of others do what's best for them make them into winners so they need that two wing but they also need that four wing of know yourself what is important and intrinsically valuable to you what do you care about what hobbies do you love how are you going to express your soul in this world and so a three needs those wings to balance them out in life all right so what else about the lowest level uh lowest level threes calculators could be described as maybe phony opportunistic self-serving the facade of happiness the facade the image the exterior the chocolate easter bunny you know um beautiful shiny sweet smiling on the outside but then you break open the chocolate easter bunny and what do you find inside oh hollow hollow wow look how big the box is look at the beautiful package look at the smile on the easter bunny's face and then you open it and you realize this great big easter bunny you know that's this tall could be melted down into not much more than a a regular sized candy bar so the image is bigger than than what is really delivered there's an emptiness in in the in the chocolate easter bunny right there's an emptiness there and threes can be so focused on how they're coming across on how people are perceiving them on being the best version of what people want and what they will applaud that they may not give much thought and consideration to developing the inner person and that and for that reason they if they let you get to know them might be quite hollow on the inside and are ready to adapt to whatever will get people's admiration and this might be part of the reason why i don't get a lot of appointments from threes because that would be a terrifying thing to really stare that emptiness down maybe i'm off base but i could imagine that why would i want to deal with what people can't see when i could invest my time in perfecting the exterior even more polishing the exterior even more brightening up those eyes and brightening up that smile and beautifying that wrapping paper after all that's what's going to make people pick me off the shelf yeah but what about the people that actually purchase this chocolate easter bunny and have to live with it what about when they bite into it will they find any substance or will they just find disappointing hollowness wow okay so what's the mid-level the mid-level is according to the book is the star the superstar the hollywood star the one everybody wants an autograph they want their picture with uh the superstar okay the core concern of the star this is the mid-level of a three is feeling successful and avoiding failure and gaining the respect of others um that's such a fleeting thing isn't it the respect of others i mean because sometimes people respect all the wrong things you know um and the three remember the sin of the three is deceit right and so the three might become quite deceptive covering up their hollow center they might become quite deceptive in being what people pretending to be or chameleon into what people will admire what do people admire i need to become that i need to look like that i need to project that is that who i really am well i don't ask such questions i don't want to deal with those questions i just find what people are applauding and then become the best version of that force you know they do quite the opposite they find what everybody's applauding and then i can't like that but both you see are over focused on what do the crowds think twos as well what do the crowds admire what will they appreciate well then i'll serve them like a two and i'll be pleasing to them and they'll love me and then i'll be valuable the threes what are they all applauding what do they value well i'll i'll wear all of that i'll wear a uh you know the right purse i'll drive the right car i'll wear the right clothes and whatever people admire that's what i will project and then they will admire me and the four looks at it and says what are people admiring okay well then i reject that what's popular i reject that because i'm not going to just be some hollow chocolate easter bunny we'll talk about four's next video now ironically i do get a lot of appointments with fours who i think are trying to develop and understand and deal with all this inner stuff okay so the star um they focus on goals and work at the expense of relationships often think about that i didn't say it she said it okay at the expense of relationships and i would even say at the expense of relationship with themselves with knowing themselves driven and competitive they seek recognition and want to out distance their rivals if you ever listen to here on youtube you know you can type in like motivational um motivational i don't know what they're called i forget but you know you go to the gym or you're cleaning the house or you're trying to go for a run and you put in your earbuds and you type in motivational challenging music and you'll get these these audio files of music in the background and essentially it's like somebody yelling at you usually in a foreign accent you know or uh somebody's yelling at you and they're telling you um you know don't give up you're a fighter believe in yourself and then the music will play a little more and it's kind of like this very motivational rocky you know overcomer movie background music and then it'll say things like be a lion don't be a sheep wake up early you're gonna stay longer than everybody else you're going to put in the time and the sweat and the blood and the effort because you're a winner and it is very motivational but i think when you listen to one of those motivational files for a minute you get a picture of what threes are kind of hearing all the time and that would be exhausting it's one thing when you're like okay i got to clean the house so i need to put this thing on to motivate myself to do this okay i've got to go exercise i don't want to i want to sit around and watch tv and eat more pie cookies and cake but i need to motivate myself and get out there and get off this couch so i play this file and it's challenging me don't give up never surrender be a man be a fighter be a be a lion but then here's the thing i can turn it off i can just click it off and it's done and it's very motivating but then i can click it off but i don't think threes so easily click that voice off and are able to just pause and relax and say okay i put in a good day's work and now i'm done and now i can relax and now i can just talk to people and now i can just not be on job interview right now and essentially all those motivational things are saying you're not like everybody else wow just like the enneagram tells us right twos threes and fours we're not like everybody else the twos i'm nice i'm kind i'm compassionate i'm loving the threes i'm a winner i'm a champion i'm a fighter i'm a lion i'm not like a sheep i'm not going to be a follower quitters give up i'm not gonna quit see i'm not a quitter everybody else is quitters everybody else is sheep everybody else's everybody else might just be people that need to be loved might just be your best friends if you get to know them and if you let them know you and maybe in letting them know you you might start to know yourself but i can't slow down i don't want to be like everybody else because i'm dealing with worth and shame and value and i would just say go back into the baby's nursery and look at those little babies pick them up and hold them and ah little babies intrinsic value and that doesn't change because you're 30 doesn't change because you're going off to college it doesn't change because because you got a f on a test or because your girlfriend dumped you or because you got fired and laid off or because your company dissolved none of that changes you don't need to pull down the blinds and go on drugs and check out to life and go to the dark side of nine because you failed even i've got books on my shelf that are written by threes on how to be successful you know and even failure gets redefined by threes why can't you just say well that didn't work i blew it i screwed up you know you want to be admired by people let's just assume that's true people admire somebody that can own their mistakes people admire somebody that's real people admire somebody that doesn't feel like they have to impress them all the time people admire somebody who says well that didn't work we learned the hard way on that one didn't we bob wow we lost a bunch of money and a bunch of time well let's get back to the drawing board and try again people admire that kind of authenticity oh there's kind of the hard word isn't it authenticity genuine be yourself well who am i if i'm not a winner oh you might just be a person you might just be a person b being is what what threes need to tap into what does it mean to just be a person who am i without all of this accomplishment without all of this winning why would you be like everybody else no you would still be unique you would still be you you might you might accomplish more if you weren't driven to accomplish so much there's an interesting thought um threes at this mid-level appear to be friendly [Music] but often friendliness is a means of moving people onto the agenda or helping me navigate relationships think of it more as networking networking rather than relating to people it's like this person can strategically advance me and move me forward so i need to promote them so that they will promote me many times what looks like an emotional response from them is more the kind of response they believe the person in their situation should have in other words you know i'm a teacher and so when this student is having a problem or asking me for help then i should relate to them in such a way and so i'll follow this prescribed way of relating to them because that's the way i should behave a person in my position which is not very authentic it's not really caring about people it's i'm filling a role an actor and threes can be kind of like actors sometimes all right the highest level of self mastery is called uh by this author the believer so the lowest level is the calculator the mid level is the star and the highest level is the believer i'm not exactly sure i know what she's saying there but let's continue the core understanding of this high level of self-mastery is everyone has intrinsic value boom exactly what i've been saying everyone has intrinsic value stop period i'm a valuable person simply because i'm created in the image of god because i'm a person period and there is a natural flow and order to everything now i need that as a seven because you know sevens can sometimes forget that there's a divine plan because i need to work my plan my plan is more fun my plan is more oh my plan didn't work out bummer sad hmm frustrated i need to remember that i need to think about how a three needs to needs to understand that that there's a bigger plan uh and that there is an order to everything threes where the high self mastery have looked inside themselves looked inside themselves to find out who they really are apart from what they accomplish and what they truly feel instead of just masking their emotions willing to admit they don't always feel on top of things and willing to have their their um failures and like everyone else oh there's kind of the sting right if i'm just like everybody else then how am i valuable okay threes possess a contagious enthusiasm a genuineness and a confidence now moreover they are deeply spontaneous because they understand it is not their responsibility to make sure that everything happens efficiently and effectively so they slow down they tune in to who they are and and the relationships around them rather than just networking and a job interview and polishing up their resume they really slow down to know themselves to know the people around them to be honest with themselves about their failures honest the opposite of deceit honest with their failures honest with their shortcomings real genuine authentic and they don't feel like they have to accomplish everything and be the best one in order to stand out and win people's admiration instead they slow down and they really start to love people and be loved by people they begin to identify what they enjoy simply for the fact that they enjoy it well what if it's it's not gonna isn't why would i play golf if it's not going to accomplish something i play golf so i can play with the boss and get to know the boss and strategically move my maybe just play golf because you like golf well how would i know if i like golf exactly slow down slow down and go play a game of golf just to play golf go paint a picture just to paint a picture what if it's no good who cares if you enjoyed it it was good [Music] if you enjoyed it it's worth doing if you can do it with others then it's worth doing if you can take your kids and go do this event this task and just have fun doing it then it is worth doing worth value worth types all right so i hope this has been helpful to you i hope that it's been encouraging and also at the same time challenging and i hope that you will pause long enough to really think about some of these things and ask yourself some of the deeper questions pause long enough to sit still with these thoughts and um be present to life because life is passing us all by if we're not present to it and slowing down helps us be present to life and for a three it's almost always good advice to slow down and uh let some of that stress that driveness go and say well yeah but the cattle the you know the herd will get ahead of me maybe they will but maybe there's some peace that you can know in that meadow by yourself for a while all right thank you guys i wish you the best and i hope to hear from you thanks

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 4,473

Rating: 4.9560437 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram type 3, type three, love, marriage, relationships, personalities, parenting

Id: bEbA0S81kwg

Length: 45min 57sec (2757 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 30 2020