The Birthday Roast Of Ethan Klein - H3 After Dark # 42

um why don't you cut to the set show people what we're working with here we've got roasts from all of your favorites we've got quite a show planned that looks great let me say that again the pits of hell is where i'll be today i'm 36 man that is old as [ __ ] please stand up man so after the break we're gonna move over to the set and everybody is gonna take turns we've got submissions from everybody from logic to uh vsauce donkey steve oh idubbbz phillyd all of your favorites many many more i am i'm wow it's funny last night we felt like nobody was coming through and i was like that's the biggest roast of all [Laughter] nice but we actually got a lot of people coming through which i'm very touched by it's very nice gesture of them it was very last minute too so people who couldn't get it in we love you no hey but we will be calling each and every one of you by name yep and doxing you and your address and phone number today's episode is sponsored by shady rays and liquid iv what a week it's been eh oh yeah from the crowder to my mom to now the roast it's been a big big beautiful week the h3 podcast well what a [ __ ] night i have to say that i've been like enjoying that crowder moment for the whole week yeah you know i know i mean i knew it was great but i didn't realize it was going to be such a moment because i feel like the internet's been buzzing about this crowd rv sam cedar thing and uh i just love it because there's been such a meltdown um i'm gonna talk about that but before we get oh by the way i just want to say before we get into it really fast ela i'm not gonna pretend like there's not a new teddy fresh release today that you've been working your ass off on so teddyfresh.com you want to talk about anything specifically um hey work it girl work it work it work it stand up ela stand [Applause] i'm wearing a size up yeah you know this uh camp shirt sold out in like 10 minutes that's crazy that's such an honor because i love this shirt and we worked so hard on it it started looking beautiful completely different like so different and then we were just like let's just keep going with it we're just having fun and then uh works and change work it work it well anyway you can't buy it because it's sold out thank you to everyone who continuously um support what we do it's just amazing yeah well you're making dope [ __ ] so what what choice do they have um but anyway check it out teddyfresh.com there's all kinds of great stuff there well i've seen a lot of sold out amazing all right that's that okay so um actually you know we got a message from donald trump even the presidents are well ex-president i'll say he's still president i mean a lot of people still think he's president so who am i they're still counting votes in like arizona so you know you never know they are like that yeah they are okay dan i'm having an issue with my clique it like doesn't click all right donna what the [ __ ] the bros hasn't started my bad i'm i'm clicking the laptop and nothing's happening bro i wonder if your mom messes up look click click she was another addiction are you [ __ ] with me no i swear to god i'm not i wonder if your mom [ __ ] it up are you [ __ ] with me no i am not [ __ ] i'm clicking the video that well that was what kept happening in my mom i don't know if you watched okay yeah i'm halfway through that we did the episode with my mom it was so funny the craziest part about that episode was that i did a sudoku puzzle yeah i didn't get to by the way i saw people like oh it only took me three minutes good for you dude i don't play sudoku it's like dude give me a break oh it took me three minutes fine i actually thought you did really well we literally had to teach him how to play from the ground up like 20 minutes before the show so the fact that he solved it i did a long time ago but i didn't remember like because there's all these little strategies yeah you don't like uh stuff like that right like when there's a the stuff with words in the newspaper like crossword crossword i'm not it's not that i hate crossovers just who [ __ ] plays crosstalk i've never seen you i've never seen you play crossword who are you i used to do it in israel a lot but in america yeah in english i feel like that should happen that's just good for your brain though like if i feel like if you play that when you get old your brain will be good nice and juicy brain i tried one time in english and i was like oh [ __ ] i don't even know one thing maybe i should start for my brain deteriorates i'm getting 36 already all right here's donald trump's message for us ethan it's me president trump but if you're looking for a new co-host for frenemies no one is more of a friend of me than me i practically invented the phrase for enemies uh so i'm the guy i'm the guy believe me believe me it'll be absolutely huge to have me as your co-host duran should go through the roof through the roof trump is down bad man he's trying to co-host a podcast legend yeah you don't know what do you guys think trump for frenemies i'm not sure hm i'll have to think about it oh this is really exciting okay there's no such thing as a coincidence one of the you know most uh prolif i hate to say it but prolific uh memes that's come out and he the guy put out a new video that is phenomenal um there's no such thing as a coincidence here ela have you seen this oh yeah oh man everybody well here you maybe you guys haven't seen it yet there is no such thing as a coincidence the fact that you're watching this yes your thoughts create your reality but you already knew that yet you still live a life that you dread when you visualize your dream life you unconsciously believe that it is unrealistic here's the hack i've created okay it doesn't matter what he says now the question is is this real i feel like it is dude but why wouldn't he cut in this world people go there's a whole debate about is this guy a genius or was this just like what incredible moment caught on camera i feel like he's not a comedic genius he just like there's no way he is a comedic genius there's no such chance that he's a comedic genius and watch this again but is this plant so perfect do you see her coming up the fact that you're watching this video means you're energetically aligned with me and this message your thoughts create your reality but you already knew that i didn't know that you still live a life that you dreamed and you know that's the appropriate response if a guy like that snaps over to you was that just her reaction to his look yeah oh my god i think she didn't expect his face there's a monster in the woods or something talk about energies being aligned and stuff she thought she wants to get zapped up to the ufo what do you guys think real or planned i i want to believe it's real because it's so [ __ ] funny we uh maybe actually just whipped up a straw poll i am dropping it into the chat right now audience what do you think is it real here's the thing this guy has not shown any inkling that he is commit comedically inclined yeah that's the thing he's so self-serious that it this scene and this is so fun for him yeah and also it's not even like it's like a great joke i don't think he would come up with such a joke there is no such thing as a coincidence the fact that you guys are watching this podcast right now right now means that we are energetically aligned and that um there's no we're all gonna be having a fantastic weekend there's no such thing as the coincidence so the early votes are in uh the yeses are having it by quite a bit uh yes it's real i'm sorry the the yes is the video real is the question and it's uh 70 yes to 30 no 30 is a significant amount of doubters that's a lot of doubters no but that out of all the polls we've done 70 is is a dominant win yeah but like that means you filmed it and then left it in i went for what the leaving it in is part of like his uh energy lifestyle of like no coincidence right this was meant to happen you know um he must have shown it to his friends and then they've been like you have to post that the fact that you're watching this video means you're energetically aligned with me and this message your thoughts create your reality but you already knew that yet you still live a life that you dread dude how can you react like that there's no such thing as a coincidence but then he doesn't even smile i mean how can he not miss a beat it's like how can he not miss a beat and then continue like nothing no apologies no laughter what the [ __ ] it's so out of pocket for his normal content i agree either way it's amazing i i want to believe it's real yeah well the uh the percentages are staying pretty steady as the votes continue to come in so it looks like the the reals have it let's see what he has to say though i'm curious what's his message today bro when you visualize your dream life you unconsciously believe that it is unrealistic here's a hack i've created a dream life meditation that uses questions and binaural beats when presented with the question your mind must accept it and your subconscious mind will absorb it what when listening to binaural beats it puts your mind into theta frequency data allowing you access to your subconscious mind link in the bio oh he's just trying to sell some product it's an ad it's an ad that's us because he's creating a viral moment let's get a look at this job how serious is she jogging right now well you already knew this is a real jogger you still live a life that you dress excuse me it's too funny for him i don't think he could think of something yeah how could you think of that sponsor think of it and ask him to do something goofy no sponsors don't ever do that yes he doesn't sponsors don't usually sponsors have only bad ideas yeah only bad ideas exclusively the chat is spamming to turn the sign on i will i will get on that looks like ourselves we're having problems with the science yeah what's going on it was on what happened it was on i know oh abe you have a gift for me you want to do that right now oh it is it is a coincidence the fact is that's the coincidence what do we got here shredder [ __ ] him up don't step to me without asking permission from shredder all right i have a gift from uh a b here this is from maybe that's what it says it's actually from all of us okay no it's not all right ab let's see what you got here we got a shirt oh sound came on it's a shirt with something in it there's something in the shirt hmm oh wait okay this is from ab huh it's hagrid with the sorting hat covering his privates oh my god are you kidding me did you not know that it's a sexy hey weren't we talking about this i thought we saw that image but i didn't i i didn't know about this gift i didn't know that he got it is that too graphic maybe maybe i mean it's just a drawing that of course goes with the um the hagrid fan fiction we did recently yes you did so good i want to get you the canvas we saw but it wouldn't come in time so i made you that custom shirt so someone correct yeah i want to buy that thank you abe that was very thoughtful i'm gonna be wearing that you're welcome enjoy it i'll be wearing that a lot i want that original art i want to commission that and put it up at the entrance of our house hila first thing you see [Music] don't know about that all right so before we get to the roast obviously i gotta talk about the crowder thing wait real quick yeah as a tease for the roast we have a little message from somebody that normally we check in with on friday but it's not friday it's thursday it's thursday baby but we didn't want to go in after dark without a little message from gabe so uh send it in all right ian when you're ready go ahead let's uh take it away yeah i don't know if you can handle your babies and fried chicken once they've been [ __ ] right now you're in camp but i think you're not ready [ __ ] what is he saying yeah anyways happy birthday ethan thank you baby what was what did he say he was saying you're not ready for more kids he roasted the yes he did i love gabe is evolving and the but the woos are subtle but like powerful yeah you come out with a strong [ __ ] babies and then a woo like a gentle morning dove that was brutal i don't know how to recover from that one he's right though i'm not ready all facts from gabe that's right all right let's just talk about crowder real fast and we'll get to the roast because there's oh you know what else i want to talk about before we get to the roast free britney oh yeah free brittany or i'm [ __ ] writing i'm swear to god dude this is this i i'm so disgusted by this free britney [ __ ] i'm about to burn it all down i'm i'm this guy is fully redeemed man yeah did the light go off again oh no it's on [Music] i do it i'm team him he was ahead of the game bro that guy's like a prophet we are energetically aligned with him all right let's talk about crowder crowder released a video trying to for those of you guys who didn't see crowder is this com is the work he's a conservative commentator an apparent assault he apparently he says he's a comedian but i haven't seen any evidence of that he always says he's a comedian but like worthy what a [ __ ] nightmare i don't get it anyway he we we completely owned him he's been dodging this uh other political commentator called um sam cedar who's a very intelligent skilled uh political analyst and debater and crowder because he's full of [ __ ] and he knows that his all of his beliefs are just a total grift that and it all falls apart immediately when when uh faced with the real opponent he's been dodging him we got him good he wanted to debate me and we surprised him with sam cedar uh you guys probably all seen the video but he titled his video the greatest self own h3h3 wrecks himself and brags about it i thought ethan was a stand-up guy yeah i don't know who told him that wrong i was like who told you that bro i thought we were best friends well he it's it's okay so here we put together a little um edit to show the all of the irony's inconsistency and lies of stephen um first you guys remember when this whole this whole rift started he was going ethan who is his name ethan i don't know who he is ethan is it ethan but i don't have to think about it dude but then suddenly when i get in front of him he's like oh h3 these one of the og's i love his content so here i used to love his content which is what all the conservatives say to burn me apparently it's like yeah well i'm glad you don't anymore that's kind of the point i don't want you watching my [ __ ] here's something that i really wanted to touch on oh boy this guy uh i think his name what's his what's his name there uh uh token allen is it is his real name ethan ethan ethan ethan yeah is it the agency yeah it's ethan ethan what is it ethan ethan alkin i've never seen someone pretend so hard not to know someone it's such a regular name like yeah you said it right ethan doesn't have to think about it dude ethan get there ethan cline your mics on there i remember him back in the day and i used to okay so now here he is talking about me and and where i self-owned back in the day and i used to say he remembered his content but i remember i supported him or he said hey youtube should actually find a way to monetize my content i don't do we don't do debates based on why i just don't want to have a debate based on a lie so that was his defense is that you want to have a debate based on the lie i don't know what that means oh that he wasn't because he was lied about sam cedar being here because he wanted to have a debate on with somebody that is not a debater is not familiar with all the politics so that he can look like a cool epic dude yeah but you know what here this was actually great this guy uh senk is that how you say his name a [ __ ] oh jank from the young turks he's like hassan's uncle yeah hassan's uncle actually interestingly um was like this guy's so full of [ __ ] he ambushed me at south by southwest so for him to be like oh i don't want to debate based on this is like once again one of the many hypocrisies and cowardice of stephen crowder i'll play it here [Music] ladies and gentlemen right i think he's mostly just funny because or i think he's mostly just angry because what we did was actually funny you know yeah which this is way more disrespectful than what we did yeah he's crashing his panel apparently he bought a super expensive ticket crash the panel and then wouldn't leave by the way until he was forcibly removed by security so [ __ ] stupid bro but honestly his biggest crime and is just not even being funny right like gotta say the guy is not funny for someone how does he consider himself a comedian with the straight faces beyonce i'm gonna go up there and say what he says that's so annoying [Music] he's such a coward [ __ ] that he's going to cry about being ambushed he's done the same thing this is get the [ __ ] over [ __ ] nike so he says now sam said he wouldn't let him speak which is odd because crowder was just panicking and shouting over everybody the whole time and you could see sam sitting patiently respectfully because sam really actually wanted to have a conversation as we all did want to see that and crowder is just panicking and flailing the whole time as you'll see here ever let [Music] can i answer your question can i answer your question can i answer your question you want me to answer your question my audience would say sam who for me the whole by the way his whole argument was like nobody knows who you are then why is this turned into such a big story yeah yeah clearly everybody knows who he is and knows about this thing of you not wanting to debate him because it be turned into this huge story so like basically i'm sorry about a million subscribers that's well that's not little of course not that's a massive channel yeah especially for like political topics right it's niche yeah and he's very much in the details where crowder is just doing like performative like click bait outrage stuff where sam's actually has like hour-long interviews about a single issue it's very dry and detailed yeah i had no idea this was going to happen such panic but it's it's just funny because basically his two arguments was one nobody knows who you are which he immediately contradicted himself by admitting that he was following his show to watch if he went live the previous week so we actually had to dupe him pre-record fake going live to get him to go on with us this time so and also by the evidence that the entire internet exploded talking about this is further proof that everybody knows who he is but again you know the ultimate slam dunk to that is like if you don't want to if you don't want to have debates with people who are uh you who people don't know who they are then why do you set up at college campuses right so it's [ __ ] stupid probably it's good the guy it doesn't make you it's bizarre too maybe i didn't watch the entirety of his version of the events or whatever but maybe somebody who did did he try and frame it as if ethan was the one that challenged him to a debate because i'm seeing that from his supporters all over the place i'm like are they unaware of that really steven is the one who started this he issued the challenge oh yeah so in his response video he said it about four times he said that ethan was the one that and you know reached out to me he says real quick oh i invited him first on the show and then like throughout the show like four different four different occasions he laid honestly i don't really even care it's like you just got owned bro yeah i got pumped yeah who cares he goes weird he wrote me this long email about um his dad actually wrote this email he keeps tap dancing around the fact that his dad is his booker and his handler and everything his dad wrote us an email being like just a one-on-one debate no razzes no funny business and i didn't even respond i was like dude just [ __ ] set up the debate douche there will be razzes i'm gonna i'm gonna razz you bro i didn't agree to anything by the way i didn't say okay no funny business right he said when i was communicating with his dad as well he said something like uh you know no no goofs uh let's just play this straight or whatever i didn't even agree to that yeah i didn't i just said i said all yours just send me the zoom link not that it matters even it's like if you're such a if you're such a genius that predicted this you probably should have been better prepared for it yeah right so it's like everything he's tried to say to excuse this is just absolutely contradicted by what happened it's awesome a man makes an agreement but he definitely he challenged my whole point of satirizing this was because he challenged me to a debate yeah and it's like wow and i was like exactly right exactly so i was like okay let's have a debate we saw the opportunity and we took it and you're a sucker simple as that dude and i don't know who told you i was a good guy you spent like three episodes trashing me so i don't know i'm confused by what made you think that and a man is good to his word yeah this really comes down to an agreement good to your word and i know you always have two i didn't ever agree to [ __ ] you should see the conversation i literally didn't agree to anything you said he showed the dms yeah yeah yeah so everybody can see you i didn't agree with that he just he's like okay here blah blah blah i was like just send the link douchebag i didn't agree to anything but at the same time in his response video he's talking about switching up the subject on you in this part we're watching right now he's saying he want to switch and talk about big tech great point oh yeah because he was like let's talk about covet and trusting authorities and stuff i obviously didn't give a [ __ ] what we were gonna debate because the whole time i was gonna dunk on him but here he is saying he was going to he was going to try to switch the topic science will claim your side wins but really there's only one side that's based on a lie and i just i wish it didn't happen because i really wanted to talk to him about his his relationship with susan wojcicki and uh oh what so he was going to try to find me about my relationship with susan waginski or a relationship that i took a photo with her once you know what that is right but is that the part of the oh you think the defense jewish the jewish but that's actually a good point as well no i was that's that's him uh having a conversation with uh with our buddy jeremy jeremy yeah oh where else would that come from come on 100 i believe jeremy is the source of all the quarters yeah yes because quartering is uh a huge fan of stephen crowd right now and has been a guest on his show several times so just beat in my basement everyone's zach come on come on whenever we did the interview whenever we got crowded that jeremy's pissing everywhere like that i feel all over his house all over the dog the neighborhood everywhere well i would assume there's probably some evidence of that there will be my wife just went out for pizza without me my wife and i pizza without me to everyone that follows that whole um conspiracy of you having a relationship with susan there is some like advanced racism to that right yeah because all i did was say she came to our podcast studio one time i talked to her about my by the way i tried to [ __ ] benefit all these dip [ __ ] i know i talked to her monetizing mature content yeah as i i said to her why is it that when i talk about something racy or i have content made for adults that i can't get ads when if you go watch south park or something on comedy central these are the highest advertised shows i was like it literally doesn't make sense and she's deep undercover and so so now in their minds it's turned into this uh jewish conspiracy where i'm best friends with it was like one meeting okay bye um she she meets a lot of creators yeah she met like 10 creators on that trip to l.a and so anyway this is him all having ulterior motive so once again just being a total hypocrite you know i just beat him to the punch so so tell me about your relationship with just susan wojcinski she's jewish right by the way and uh you are as well you guys are the same synagogue or yeah yeah i'm interesting a flip in the support of big tech because also keep in mind too i had to navigate some murky waters here because the goal was to remove me from medical misinformation any conversations about covet ethan has talked about that in the past said your co-host sounds like a drunk when his co-host sounds like helen keller okay hold on i didn't say you sound like a drunk i said you are a drunk every time i see this guy he's sitting there with a mug and his face is bloodshot and i'm like this guy is drunk all the time and so this was very early in the morning so you probably hadn't had your first sip of alcohol yet apparently they said he is a recovering alcoholic so i guess the the oh the the i hit the it right on the head there touch the nerve yeah and by the way i said he was a little leprechaun i wasn't trying to make fun of his stature that he he actually does his face is very like lucky charms-ish but i was making fun because he came dressed as like peter pan as an episode before and i was just making fun of their little dress up i think that was actually the other host or the other uh well regardless i i was just yeah i was recalling the costumes yeah but the the he is very lucky charms and stature and face so it works that in the past said your co-host sounds like a drunk when his co-host sounds like helen keller learning water he's making fun of you because you have an accent also they don't like women he said didn't one of them say stop being a woman to me yeah he said he's never met such a woman yeah really something like that yeah he did pretty gay [Laughter] you've never met such a woman i make the gay jokes because they're such such raging homophobes and transphobes of course and i got news for you that means you get yeah who what kind of in this year what kind of insult is that to say i've never met such a woman like dude how [ __ ] traumatized were you by your mother i mean what is that yeah so how do what do you think about the comparison to helen keller i don't know i mean this this guy especially is like so unfunny yeah i couldn't care less what he says i think he's just there to make steven look funny by comparison maybe you know so [ __ ] stupid bro really the issue is um is ethan's wife because it's your job to try and beat the cowardice out of your husband right that's the thing when you have a son you have to make sure that they understand what integrity is i mean stephen that's rich coming from the guy who lied about his [ __ ] pregnant wife that's great coming from the guy who still has his dad running his business get him who's getting roasted at me or steven yeah yeah well what a [ __ ] nightmare yeah oh by the way i said the spartan joke again i said do you know spartans have man love with children is because he's got the spartan armored system on his desk but once again he's such a homophobe that i find it deeply ironic that this these people love gay sex the spartans they're huge in the gay sex ethan i have to i have to compliment you on on that joke uh because that was such a perfect lead-in yeah i mean it just totally was just like well i feel like i just want to make it clear because i feel like a lot of people weren't sure what i was doing there they're like what it's just a weird comment maybe but it's a reference to the spartan on the desk it was it was just jeff kim did a good job of just putting him off balance oh yeah yeah totally [ __ ] this [ __ ] up so many things in that video just worked perfectly i mean i remember you guys talking about vape nation once how just everything just lined up perfectly that's like right when he hung up he you're like cold feet again and then he hung up right again after that it was beautiful i just wish you would have actually debated and not been such a coward genuinely i i that was the preferable outcome here i had never expected him to debate i knew he would just uh just leave the chat yeah i mean the the irony is saying i knew you'd do anything to avoid debating and that's exactly what he did yeah you know i actually my my bet was that it was just going to be an instant hang up i was i was actually surprised he stuck around as long as he did i'm glad he did me too yeah i am i thought he would uh i thought he would hang up i thought it would have been like [ __ ] you i'm gone i thought ethan was a stand-up guy although he i dude he would have yeah no i again i love that line because i never did nobody i know ever told him that for me a man makes an agreement and a man is good to his words my mind is very different well i'm not a man i'm the most woman apparently apparently men [ __ ] men keep their word and women lie you are the most woman person i've ever met i am delivered from a debate i changed my mind the whole goal to change my mind for example is an anti-debate he looks like an edging toddler what that's what i'm saying this guy's so unfunny but look at him also all toddlers are aging just right good point ap thank you and you look wait hold on watching toddlers they come up with the most random unfunny jokes that i've ever heard yeah i don't know if this is like conservative humor well the thing is he calls it he's not computing in my brain but they're like so unfunny in these guys a lot of the funny things we've heard hassan said it's like high level racism yeah he has like a phd in racism like what he was trying to say about samus he said sam is the velveteen rabbit and everyone was like in the lab trying to figure out what that meant i said it twice i was like i was googling in real time i'm like what is velveteen rabbit is this old story book like i think i do i do think it was uh uh like bdi uh i do think it was an anti-semitic trope i really do yeah i saw a writer post they said it's based on some old uh whatever about saying that holders don't have a soul because there's like oh me said and do you have a soul you have a soul yeah let me see your eyes yeah yeah all toddlers are aging that's a really good point maybe because that that's the normal state of being a toddler what am i benjamin button what am i aging backwards i mean what the [ __ ] unless you're like crowder where you don't grow up you just yeah boy forever yep daddy daddy i had a hard day at work he's dunking his donuts and i know that was too easy but you're a fat piece of [ __ ] okay the problem that i have with this joke is that he says the only thing that's just too funny he says okay the only thing he's dunking is donuts i'm like did you get that from jokes.com i mean that could be that could be literally used on anybody in any situation yeah that guy literally can't say one relevant joke the only thing he's dunking is donuts dude last time i checked you were a fat [ __ ] little porky pig dude you look like a porky pig bro just put a some apple in your mouth and cook you up for [ __ ] spit roast baby i'm gonna spit roast you boy you look he looks magically delicious [Laughter] he's like [Laughter] dude he's the um he's the lucky charms uh he's the lucky charms uh oh he's the lucky charm leprechaun if it was all mushrooms [ __ ] i can't eat it right i have a good joke he's the lucky charm leprechaun if it was all marshmallows oh this is a mushroom right yeah i know i said mushroom yeah it would have been better the first time i tried my prank don't work so good i tried to dig but nothing happened but can you imagine if i went to jokes.com and prepped the only thing he's dunking is donuts i use that joke every day so i don't know if i'd want to watch his show or rather watch two hours of the san francisco gay chorus san francisco gay chorus these guys literally can't even not go homophobic i said the gay chorus did y'all catch that i would rather watch the gay chorus so who is gay why do gay people make you so uncomfortable stephen you need to ask yourself that right be straighter i'd rather pay for front row nickelback seats oh zach's [ __ ] mad it would be more straight uh yeah implying nickelback is gay is that apparently nipple-bound nickelback is the manliest [ __ ] stephen all right oh boy here we go why do you think steven is so but can you believe that this is how he speaks like his uh analogy to what's not good is how gay it is yeah or female energy it is that i mean this is like when i was in middle school yeah and then you grow up it's hard to believe that it's real but he obviously being gayness or homosexuality makes him so uncomfortable that it makes me wonder yeah he does make me want he goes i'd rather i don't know what's gayer watching ethan or gay seats i'm not gonna say it but you know what i'm thinking a ding-dong far from the first to speculate far from the first um we are at uh 38 minutes we should really do our ads oh okay we have an ad but actually interestingly enough um we've been talking about stephen's dad uh he was super pissed because we didn't stick to our word or he's like stephen's dad emailed me he's like you are such a woman you are he's like he's like you're not invited to our house anymore you can't play with my son my son thought timeout because of you my son's watching the get what did he say about the the gay the san francisco gay chorus um is that a thing i mean yeah yeah why does he know about that why does he have that in his backpack um dude the guy is flaming steven is san francisco gay course that's just a report that stephen keeps in his back pocket so anyway his dad wanted to call in and uh and scold us here we go the san francisco gay men's chorus is the first openly gay course one of the world's largest male courses in the group often credited with creating the lgbtq quarrel movement so stephen stephen is fantasizing about getting front row seats to that he is and they're probably very musically talented so it would be a good yeah they're very famous um steven he has a lot of what people have referred to as theater kid energy if you um if you knew the theater kids in high school at all um it's a certain type and with all the dress-up and theatrics that he seems to always enjoy doing um you know it's not really surprising that he's familiar with the uh with the gay chorus well i don't want to out him you know it's not it's not my place to out we don't know anything doesn't that make you no that's what i'm saying it's not my place to out him sure yeah if he's in the closet it's not my place to take him out right or even to point out that he's in the closet right or if even if there is a closet i'm sure he has a closet in his house maybe more than most he might spend time in there he might i mean surely picking out outfits he goes in the closet how long's he in the closet and i got news for you that means you're gay a long time all right let's do these ads and then we can get to the damn roast we'll call we'll talk to steven's dad and then we'll get to the roast sounds good shady rays high quality shades for less than expensive brands i don't understand why sunglasses are so freaking expensive well shady rays is out to change the game they're an independent sunglass company so they do things their own way something that's very rare in the industry that's true i watch this documentary about what's the name of that company that like owns every designer brand some italian company they own like louis vuitton right no it's like a more generic name no they they own like they like they it's like they make all the sunglasses forever that's why they're so expensive it's just a total scheme that's why 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got banned from tick tock what did he do i mean it's pretty easy to guess i don't know dude he did his normal thing we know like tick tock is uh he is very yeah they don't play away with anything i saw he just made a tick tock he came wrong he was talking about our thing about how he doesn't want to debate under a lie or something and then people are like oh cool so cool you're on tick tock he literally already got banned yeah those damn man with the weight steven crowder's bigotry has found a home on tick tock far right internet personality is now using tick tock to spread hate the younger audience sorry what are you saying i was just gonna say with the way that he talks and all this like homophobia and racism i'm not surprised i actually yeah tick dog don't play games man yeah by the way his his tick tock name is mug club i mean it's so corny bro anyway may to june it didn't last a month wow um i'm surprised you're still on youtube after that george floyd reenactment but hey this is what this is what blows my mind about him and a lot of these people it youtube genuinely one of the most tolerant platforms i mean by far but like well facebook is like you can execute people we don't yeah that's true i guess facebook but compared to tick tock twitter instagram like most platforms like you can get away with a lot on youtube yeah you can't think about it dude yeah i know and then yeah so do we have his dad on the phone yeah uh let me uh bring him in right now stand by all right so this is stephen crowder's dad his manager and handler uh he wanted to call in and yell at us he wanted to talk to my dad but my dad's not available yeah so uh darren darren are you there hey hey hello hmm hi darren hello hey hi mr crowder i'm here to give you a taste of your own element of surprise medicine pal i'm here to drop some truth bombs that'll uh change your mind about us bucko okay mr uh big crowder um so cr uh what do you want to tell me you were surprised were you upset with stephen that he uh got got so hard i mean i know you told us no razzes well let me tell you something bud i watch sam cedar every day to make sure he's live when we are and i'll give it to him he makes a few points good points here and there but i told little stevie this would happen he should have been more prepared yeah you were you were very paranoid that sam cedar was going to be on the call i mean it seems like you guys are monitoring his channel very closely which is a little bit ironic yeah i mean he uh he forced me to lie about his wife having a medical emergency too it was a real uh embarrassment for the crowder family right because last week he said he saw steven end it or he saw sam ended his show early and then said that he had a medical emergency with his wife that's pretty embarrassing yeah you want to talk embarrassing go listen up chief i put him on timeout after his performance in that debate oh that was a real embarrassment you put him on timeout no it doesn't mean he gets like no tv for a week he's not allowed to play with his guns for a week he's not even allowed to go out and play with peter pan oh oh that's too far mr crowder yeah well i don't know about that i even i even had to spank him and i told him this is what happens when you disobey your father bud yeah how old is she again he's like what 33 or something like that hey he's 33 going on 12. what can i say he's still got it he still needs uh he needs to go down he needs some guidance yeah yeah i'm giving him integrity integrity with my hand who's his rear you know you spank him every day every day he's got to keep him in line i get that yeah um wow well um i mean do you do you even like your son it doesn't sound like you don't even like him uh you know who who cares about him he's a money machine at this point oh you're just using him for money yeah yeah well listen up with your ears sweet pea because i'm a man of honesty i'm gonna lay it down i'm gonna tell you the truth right here right now just follow the talking points the koch brothers provide you know my son isn't the brightest so we uh try to avoid him going off script as much as possible how about that huh that makes sense that's why they want to avoid the debate so bad because he kind of has to improvise a little bit yeah he flipped the [ __ ] because of it yeah that makes sense by the way he kept lying about me saying the booker wasn't real uh is the booker he said that he never tried to book me for the show but that he's lying about that right yeah well the thing about that is and again i'm a man of truth and honesty i'm the real truth one truthful one the booker was real but uh we don't like to admit that uh women work here okay what the hell dude that is that mr crap mr crowder this is 2021. women are allowed in the workplace this is outrageous this is too much well after after the exchange what was his state of mind like after the uh debate well i'll tell you one thing he was still flipping out off camera he was throwing things around he was firing off his bb gun into the stands you know what can i say after all this misbehavior i'm going to tell you one thing i'm going to have to lower little stevie's allowance don't you control the money the money the sets the camera the crew you know i unfortunately he made me hire all his high school friends they don't know the thing the first thing about production but you know we're making it work as best we can here does he wear a diaper all right now hear this ethan use your ears to listen to this one i had to change his american flag pattern diaper after the exchange you put him in you know you ever let me be honest with me be honest for once in your life ethan yeah you ever change a 33 year old man's diaper that survives solely on alpha brain pills and elk meat oh i can't say i have done no no that's gotta be me oh yeah that's gotta be wrapped up if if you're a real tough guy why don't you walk a mile in his dirty diaper okay oh thank you i actually learned to use the potty but uh i'm that is commitment that you're changing uh your son's diaper stephen crowder's diaper you change after the show anything from a baby boy so you know what how does he do it though yeah the thing is i would have told him to fight your son but uh i think your son would have kicked his ass yeah my son is two years old he is tough but you know the thing is after the the debate you better listen to this boss man i to leave his night light on every single night he keeps asking if cm cedar is in the closet oh he thinks samson is like the boogie man he's hiding in his closet i even have to check under the bed for sam cedar i can't go to sleep wow this was really traumatic for him yeah yeah big time go ahead mr crowder anything else you want to say well uh here's some real news that even my son won't report the twins of his they're actually mr crowder the twins are yours well i don't even know if he's my own son but uh you know that's neither here nor there i'm still making money off him look i'll be honest with you i don't even like the guy the whole stick with the guns and the homophobia is just the cause of seeing get some attention to make money we actually all voted for hillary in uh 2016. what the hell that's a bad revelation huge admission yeah let me tell you another thing too stephen loves mrs clinton so much uh why don't you google his wife's name how about that punk what's his wife's what stephen crowder's wife yeah why don't you google it i'm googling it right now what do we got hillary crowder are you kidding me whoa that's gloss uncomfortably close all right mr crowder thanks for your time i feel actually i feel bad for steven knowing this is kind of it kind of explains a lot yeah all right yeah well it's been a real pleasure calling into your show and conducting myself like a real adult should have a beautiful day and go [ __ ] yourselves all right thank you so much he's angry wow he's pissed did he say that he cucked his own son yeah and really in no uncertain terms too he said the twins are his yeah huge awkward we did we have we still have the the brittany thing let's talk about the britney thing because this shit's outrageous i'm just gonna zip through this so you guys all can get i swear to god if this judge does not throw this [ __ ] out we're riding i'll meet you somewhere we're burning the whole city down for brittany seriously i don't know how oh this real blacklight blm do you know what blm stands for brittany's life matters it's britney [ __ ] tasteless mean just all right that's all right hey guys okay listen to this audio this is the first time she's spoken about her case yeah um because one of the main reasons is because this cork this judge needs to be thrown in jail he needs to be disbarred he needs to be humiliated publicly this judge is a nightmare she tried to hire her own attorney to represent her and the judge said you are not mentally fit to hire your own attorney so we're going to appoint you one shitty [ __ ] public servant public servant like bro she's ready to hire some badass attorney and the judge is like nah you can't do that you're not so this is part of the reason why she's been getting creamed so bad because this lawyer's been giving her terrible advice saying don't speak about it publicly here listen to her this is her first time speaking in court i feel horrible for her man this is just i just want my life back and it's been 13 years and it's enough it's been a long time since i've owned my money and it's my wish and my dream for all of this to end without being tested again it makes no sense whatsoever for the state of california to sit back and literally watch me grab their own two eyes make a living for so many people and pay so many people trucks and buses on tour on the road with me and be told i'm not good enough but i'm great at what i do and i allow these people to control what i do ma'am and it's enough it makes no sense at all now going forward i'm not willing to meet or see anyone i've met with enough people against my will i'm done all i want is to own my money for this to end and my boyfriend um to drive me in his [ __ ] car and i would honestly like to sue my family to be totally honest with you um i also would like to be able to short share my story with the world and um what they did to me instead of it being a hush-hush secret to benefit all of them i want to be able to be heard on what they did to me by making me keep this in for so long is not good for my heart i've been so angry and i cry every day it concerns me i'm told i'm not allowed to expose the people who did this to me for my sanity i need you to the judge to approve me do it do an interview where i can be heard on what they did to me and actually i have the right to use my voice and take up for myself my attorney says i can't um it's not good i can't let the public know anything they did to me and by not saying anything is saying it's okay i don't know what i said here her dumbass court appointed attorney is saying don't talk about it yo some of the details of this aren't are absolutely like mind-bending by the way conservatorships we talked about this but they're meant for mostly for people who are senile who are in the state of cilan salinity if she's able to perform salinity thank you i don't understand they're senile thank you dan she's able to perform yeah she tours she performs she does her own choreography how can she perform if she can like that that right there just doesn't make sense performing is so hard on its own if she can do that i think she can have ownership on the money she makes from performing yeah it's just so i don't understand it's just crazy it contradicts the whole nature of a conservatorship which is that somebody's incapable of managing their own affairs and so it goes to someone to do it for them it makes sense when somebody is senile and their mind is in and out and stuff and they're making like rash decisions britney spears she's on the world tour making millions of dollars if her mind wasn't there she wouldn't be able to show up for all these videos do the choreography you know her dad is an evil man her dad and that judge are evil men dude man this is evilness so listen to this dude this part blew my mind the conservators conservators ordered her to have a iud implanted against her will those are the little for those of you guys who don't know it's like a copper piece that you insert inside to uh prevent pregnancy she wants to have kids with her boyfriend and she has they won't allow her to take this is monstrous they won't allow her to take out the uid monstrous dude this is just not humane they claim that she has dementia i'm sorry she's like uh she's been in this since she was like 30. uh 30 year olds don't get dementia are extremely rare she said the people who did they should not be able to walk away easily i agree i'm ready to go to war i'm ready to go to war this is just so disturbing um yeah that that uid thing was crazy and then she there's a video of her doing she's like apparently she's been doing the choreography herself and t there's a video of it do you guys see that i saw that in the article where she's teaching people how to do the choreography i i heard her say that that was one of the points that she made in the video i didn't see the actual video of it but yeah um yeah i don't think she'd be able to i mean they they're literally trying to say she has dementia she clearly does not have dementia yeah i mean when you listen to this it's like this is a lucid iud yes okay come on you guys know what i'm talking about sometimes sometimes you guys gotta play anagrams with the [ __ ] i'm saying just unscramble it you know it's kind of um crazy to finally be able to hear her say all these things that everyone like obviously suspected for a long time that that's what she's actually thinking because you know on her instagram and social pages it it's never anything like this it's just kind of like we're not allowed because you know what's crazy they have so much control over here her social pose her doctor visits she said she's not even allowed to travel with friends every single little detail including up to her own choices of contraception is controlled by her dad that is monstrous in america for this to be able to happen anywhere i mean but like you don't i mean i mean you know you know but i'm just saying like damn the fact that you can do that to somebody is terrifying justin timberlake coming out in support after what we saw today we should all be supporting brittany at this time well a little late for you okay your support coming earlier i guess i guess regardless of our past good and bad no matter how long ago it was what's happening is not right no woman should ever be restricted from making decisions about her own body and money and career and friends and family yeah there's another piece of audio in here that i think you should play because this one really blew my mind i'm highlighting it right now where you know the whole free britney thing for a long time there was people were treating it like it was a conspiracy yeah yeah for sure yeah so in this clip i mean she um she pretty much says that they were right the people that were reading into it were right it's because because she couldn't say anything it was just so weird it felt like a conspiracy so do you think she was really sending subliminal messages and on via she didn't go as far as confirmed that but is i mean some of the stuff that people were picking up as subliminal messages was probably reading into it a little bit when they say wear yellow next video if you need help and then she would wear yellow i mean maybe maybe she didn't go that far but you should play the audio because i think she she's pretty pretty after i've lied and told the whole world i'm okay and i'm happy it's a lie i thought i just maybe i said that enough maybe i might become happy because i've been in denial i've been in shock i am traumatized you know fake it till you make it but now i'm telling you the truth okay i'm not happy i can't sleep i'm so angry it's insane and i'm depressed i cry every day and the reason i'm telling you this is because i don't think how the state of california can have all this written in the court documents from the time i showed up and do absolutely nothing just hire with my money another person to keep and keep my dad on board ma'am my dad and anyone involved in this conservatorship and my management who played a huge and punishing at me when i said no ma'am they should be in jail i agree they're cool tactics working for miley cyrus as she smokes on joints and stage at the vmas nothing has ever done to this generation for doing wrong things but my precious body who's worked for my dad for the past [ __ ] 13 years trying to be so good and pretty so perfect when he works me so hard when i do everything i'm told in the state of california allowed my father ignorant father to take his own daughter who only has a role with me if i work with him they said back the whole course and allowed him to do that to me that's given these people i've worked for way too much control they also threaten me and said if i don't go then i have to go to court and it will be more embarrassing me if the judge publicly makes you go the evidence we have you have to go i was advised for my image i need to go ahead and just go and get them they got all these crazy skype sounds going on because yeah because it was uh the court appearance wasn't in person it was all over why did they do it over skype come on guys okay to california [ __ ] up again it's like come on y'all get over with they said that to me i don't i don't even drink alcohol i should drink alcohol considering what they put my heart through this goes on for another 20 minutes so you can well it's all compelling yeah i agree it is all compelling i feel dude this is not okay this is so not okay i'm free britney till i die i'm free brittany till i die i don't know how can someone just do something already i don't know i'm angry for her anyone well i guess the story is so big i see it all over the news today yeah even after that huge documentary came out that we talked about it yeah the judge even looked at it and was like gave some lukewarm [ __ ] like well we'll think about it well at least she's now finally speaking for herself right and i think that that may make the difference definitely because um yeah she said she was never even made aware that this was an option for her to do that's what i'm saying why the court literally wouldn't let her hire her own attorney if she was allowed to hire her own attorney this [ __ ] would have ended decade ago decade ago court appointed dude you investigate that judge that judge ordered her to have this shitty attorney has kept this thing going despite the nature of conservatorships this is not what it's for that judge is up to some [ __ ] are you guys want to roast me now i'm free biting you until i [ __ ] die bro i'm so angry about this it's just sick you guys want to roast me yeah let's do it let's go baby let's do it hey ladies and gentlemen welcome to the birthday roast of ethan clyde [Applause] so uh we have a lot of guests lined up but the crew here is also going to do a few rows and um nobody wanted to go first so i will i'm going to kick things off right now thank you dan all right we have dan the producer walking over shout out to dan he made internet history today alongside with lincoln uh dan was the one who brought up the whole uh debate sam cedar meme yeah i'm trying to do a dance job i don't know how i'm doing good job dan are you almost there i'm freaking out freaking out you're doing good thank you thank you i can relate [Music] no is my mic on is anything on is that why is he saying no ian do you want to help mike's are on mike's arm why are you saying no ian i heard a big no they weren't on at first okay i got it you step away for one second everything falls apart back there all right all right so i'll kick us off ethan thanks for letting us do this it's um it's pretty big of you to let your employees uh roast you you know it's a little intimidating roasting your boss you know you don't want to go too far and have them hold it against you but thankfully i don't have to worry about that because ethan's got the memory of a brain damage goldfish so uh this will all be forgotten by tomorrow you know we're good but even by the grace of god you somehow retain some of this by morning i know you won't be mad because ethan's a great guy you know and an even greater boss it actually it really upsets me when people talk [ __ ] about you oh yeah for example um that gutter spawn crowder the other day said something about you having no chin made some comment about having no chin yeah i mean that's not even a good insult i mean if anything your problems you got way too many things right oh you're pretty much just one big chain right but it's uh you know it's not just your repulsive physical appearance that these jerks go afterwards a lot of the a lot of it's actually a lot more insidious than that sometimes it's outright anti-semitic like a lot of these pricks say that ethan is this evil genius you know that he's a greedy jew a filthy rich he throws around his money to pull the strings behind the scenes and youtube you know he tries to ruin his enemies but uh let me tell you that um i'll spill the [ __ ] beans on all of it if you don't pay me one million dollars today okay this isn't a [ __ ] joke yeah let's talk about it after the show okay all right all right i'm about to drop the protocols of the elders of youtube i'll pay you anything okay over the last four years we've worked together you've taught me a lot about what it is to be a leader you know if there's one single quality i can point to you've always been a shining example of it's your decisiveness you know you lock onto what you want and you just you go for it and that's that's awesome like when you decided to launch a brand new series called make ethan laugh and we slammed and pulled it together in 48 hours and then uh you decided to cancel make ethan laugh a week later just after one episode you just you just went for it you knew what you wanted you just went for it or when you decided to move the podcast to your basement because of covid or when you decided to move the podcast back to the studio a month later or when you decided to move it back to the basement again a few weeks later you know you just you lock on to what you want you just we got to do it or when you want to radically change the content on the channel start making h3 video kind of thing and you know and then the next day you delete the video and you take it down it's just like you know you decisively decided you know you hate it you never hesitate but um that's the thing despite your many many many failings um you're dependable you're you're rock solid guy like how i can feel confident that i'll slather mayo on my bald head if you drop below 200 pounds i know i can depend on you to never let that happen so thank you and you know what else i can depend on is you to deliver to me that money in cash by midnight tonight or i'm ending your [ __ ] career all right but what's best about working for you ethan is you're smart enough to know when to listen to me like when i told you not to pay for a pay-per-view event you know your smartphone take my advice and but but moreover you're also smart enough to know when not to listen to me like when i said for enemies would probably end in a giant train wreck and well it doesn't really matter what happened with that right um you know in closing i just want to say that i would love to see i would love to see ethan try and survive in the current landscape today like the content he was making before would never fly on youtube today and you know you have to adapt you have to overcome to the fact that like you can't even curse now like i don't even know dude love you ethan happy birthday and i'll take the money in our mark 20s all right thank you dan wow that was great we got a lot of stand up pump comedian over here [Applause] unpack that dan is anger adult dan that was good i have no comments all right so um we the rest of the crew will roast you in a little bit but uh why don't we move on to some of our videos um move the microphone should i respond i don't want to i mean you can yeah i mean typically you wait till the end but i have no response i mean dan is a stand-up guy we love him and uh i really have no roast for dan oh well now now i feel bad what the hell you should feel bad i laid into you dude all right all right so uh first video um we have a video from friend of the show gus johnson why don't we take a look at that now hey ethan happy birthday there guy the big 4-3 you love to see it hope you got a couple more three it's your birthday and i gotta say i'm really proud of you you do a lot of good stuff you say a lot of cool smart things you know what else you do you say a lot of really dumb dumb things i don't know why sometimes you just open your mouth and you're just like i gotta say some dumb [ __ ] half the time you don't even need to say anything you just go on twitter or youtube you just wake up i don't know what you do you look at elon and you go i'm gonna say some dumb [ __ ] today i think i can't go alone i think let's let's create a problem for myself i would say some dumb [ __ ] well hey these things happen apparently a lot to you now the only reason that you open your mouth today is to not say some dumb [ __ ] but to put a little slice of zaw in there i think we can all agree to that so happy 53rd there buddy now watch this drive wow wow you think mom's gonna notice that we hit the tree she probably knows that you're gonna these yeah you know he got me good he got me good because that's true i do say a lot of dumb [ __ ] that i come to regret i don't know why i do that that's a really good question guys i think i've gotten better at it but that gus really hit it on that one [Laughter] ela can relate yeah oh yeah elas loves when i say dumb [ __ ] more than anyone either goes this isn't this doesn't just affect you ethan every time you say dumb [ __ ] it affects me tail every time ethan is on twitter i have like ptsd pretty much yeah i've gotten better though right a little bit yeah yeah thank you gus that was very sweet of gosh though to send that in appreciate that so next up um we have one from somebody you know very well it's gary klein your father my [Applause] let's see what you got some of you may find this hard to believe but ethan was not always the fashion influencer that you know him as now uh his affairs with clothes started off pretty tough because as a kid all he loved to do was throw his clothes on the floor throw his clothes on the floor was a constant harmony in the house mom saying ethan pick up your clothes and say okay okay well he learned an important lesson from that which is if you don't pick up your clothes eventually mom's going to pick him up went to israel met ela they fell in love he brought her back to santa cruz they started living together and it was a time for a visit again to go see ethan and ela living together up in santa cruz so don and i drove up uh found where they were living knocked on the door hello come in we walked in and you literally could not see any floor there were so many clothes all over the place that it was nothing but clothes like we didn't even know where to step even on tiptoes you couldn't help but stepping on something so we both said wow ethan has found the perfect girl if she is willing to put up with this kind of stuff he's good he did bring his particular fashion sense with him to israel uh back then it consisted mostly of mid-calf athletic socks and flip-flops he even championed it summer winter wherever he went including the first time he met hila's folks and her father was so taken aback by this very odd choice of clothing that he almost kicked ethan that's true it did work out okay and now years later um look where they are i also just wanted to say ethan super proud of you man you've accomplished so much uh you've had so many obstacles thrown against you um you've got a great wife great kids great family um happy birthday uh love you and uh keep doing what you're doing man because you are you're just killing it bye that was great my dad came with all the anecdotes you know that's true man i when you came in santa i don't know i was such a degenerate i was shocked when i saw it and ethan afterwards told me that he like supposedly prepared for me coming so he moved the clothes it wasn't on the floor but it was like in the closet but oh yeah the closet was just like everything on the floor i remember doing that i am literally such a loser so when i was in santa cruz i would i would wash my clothes and then put it just i wouldn't fold it i would just throw it in a pile on the floor and then when i had a pile of dirty clothes and i used to literally i would just pick some clothes off a pile on the floor i don't know why i just like in a way it was kind of just liberating for me because my mom has always been so ocd about everything she's got to clean everything and that's why it works laundry had to be super straight like folded like if it wasn't perfectly straight you would make me refold it everything had to be perfect in the closet organized by like width like the shirt the most wide has to be at the bottom and then going up wow jeez yeah that's really extreme so i was like holy [ __ ] his clothes are just on the floor you almost thought that was like cool about it that's the only only way it works a bad boy that's the only way it is laundry on the ground oh man but i do remember when ela was coming i remember this now and i don't know what i was thinking like this is a moment of like insanity is that i had this pile of clothing and i just put it all in the closet yeah i've been there i've done that move before i took the time to lose like 50 pounds but i had a pile i'm such a loser man crazy oh yeah and then the story about your dad disowning me because i wore socks and sandals yeah that was like what the third time your dad disowned me maybe uh it was a recurring thing huh yeah fantastic all right well are we ready for the next one that was more of a toast than a roast if we're being honest but that's okay uh you know that's your dad so he can't go too hard uh this next one uh is definitely a roast though um this is from friend of the show alex hirsch [Music] hey ethan happy birthday um you know it's hard to roast a youtuber you've already been exposed to the meanest comments that the internet has so you're basically bulletproof so instead of roasting you i've invited a guest to do it for me hello puppets can't get canceled so let's get into it ethan what can i say about ethan that hasn't already been screamed by keemstar to his therapist ethan's a roly-poly man child who sweats mayonnaise and proved that you could somehow be a millionaire just by being in reaction gifts ethan looks like the pillsbury doughboy [ __ ] a koala even looks like someone dropped a baby into a bucket of pubic hair ethan looks like eugene levy was filled with cake frosting and kicked down a hill but seriously ethan has a beautiful child and a few more on the way this man is procreating at least he's producing some kind of content at this rate he's making more children than videos but look i should be careful the only thing ethan is more hungry for than ranch dressing is drama i don't want his army of 15 year old vape enthusiasts spamming me with images of gazebos so i'll just say ethan's a real sweetheart and a class act happy birthday ethan i hope you have 900 children a thousand more birthdays great moves keep it up proud of you wow special appearance okay we need to send everybody after uh grunkle stan yes we need to send everybody after grunkle stan spam gazebo alex love alex yeah that was great um baby dipped in pubic hair yeah that was a good one and i like the koala [ __ ] equality wallace there's a pillsbury doughboy so we have one more before our next crew member uh takes the stage uh this one's just a real short one uh from friend of the show mark rubio mar all right everybody let's all sing ethan a big happy birthday happy birthday i'm just kidding i'm alone wait did he roast me or him am i alone or him kind of kind of a self roast yeah he's too nice to he's too sweet here too they love that mark thank you okay next up we have ian the salary employee oh oh no today i'm scared of ian better knows what's coming he's trying to attack in uh i don't believe that shredder kill him before he gets to the mic you got to show your outfit you got to get the hole all right oh no is this is this thing on this time ian's going to get me so good is it too low for you do you need adjustments [Music] a little higher i got it we got a snap crew here yeah ian needs lots of adjustments and not just his microphone okay okay i'm not i'm not trying thank you all right all right i'm i'm trying to i know it's coming so i'm insulting you before it does well we were told to dress up for this event so i figured i would dress up as much as i've ever seen ethan dressed up which is which is literally this you can see this can i say something yeah that's right i roasted myself so hard because when i saw you this morning i was like what is that why are you dressed like such a goon yeah and that's the same [ __ ] outfit i wear there you go at first you were like well what are you kind of you and then you came back and you're like that's kind of a cool outfit to try and cover but no no no it's kind of crazy because next door we have this massive warehouse with like the coolest clothes you could possibly imagine and yet like this is what we get like how does that happen i don't understand you look like like a kid from the same lot that like grew up and got like lost in a ketamine hole or something like jesus so yeah like it's kind of funny how a guy who spent so much time calling out predators works so hard to dress like one [Laughter] but like at the end of the day ethan does a good job because he's always in the teddy fresh and he shows that even if you're shaped like a waterlogged bowling pin you can look good a waterlogged bowling pin yeah i love that uh i'm pretty sure ethan like was like you built your life around like the movie big i'm pretty sure you sound like a zoltar machine like you were a kid that wished to to be an adult right because like you stay up all night playing video games you want to eat pizza like for every meal you ignore responsibilities all the time and you have to have a family member dress you and you can't even wipe your own ass like the toilet has to do it for so like if anybody finds like the zoltar machine please email dan because i think it's time to change him back get that going careful what you wish for you'll be out of a job if i turn into a 12 year old i was looking back i was looking back in preparation for this and it's kind of crazy that we've known each other four years wow it's been four years and i looked back on the first episode i ever worked on which was h3 podcast number 24. it was titled we won the lawsuit so it has already yeah so it's pretty fitting that the last episode i'm ever going to be on is going to be titled h3 podcast we lost the lawsuit i hope not now you know congratulations on yet another birthday ethan you know 30 whatever the [ __ ] i don't remember 36 okay i toast in your honor but the last time we had hard alcohol on this show it didn't go so well we'll keep it light today and unfortunately i don't have time to fit in everything i'd love to say in this roast up here so you can find the full version if you just go on youtube and search the uh the name goku naru oh yeah that's painful you know the the h3 podcast it's something special it's the h3 podcast kind of reminds me of dogecoin where it's built off of the back of a dead meme and you just think that it can't possibly sink any lower and then with each additional day more and more lives are ruined the longer it goes on and we've done so many episodes we've covered so many things on this show a lot of times we cover politics and sometimes politics looks positive like we're heading in a good direction i feel good about where the country might be going and then the vape nation guy pulls up in a rolls-royce and i realize oh my god we are [ __ ] the experiment is over and uh you know it's not it's not all bad though it really isn't because ethan does a lot for us here at the show um for example i spent the last like five or six months looking like the botched jesus restoration painting like my beard was really bad i look like you know woolly willy with pubes and yet i get to stand next to ethan klein every day and it's a reminder that things could always be so much [ __ ] worse that's my my self-esteem you know thanks you a lot for that you're welcome now having said all that this is a very wholesome place to work it really is i'm i'm so thankful to be in a place that is so stress-free really um it's just such a peaceful work environment i mean you know except for the occasional fight keemstar mike majlak ryland adam oh no you got a whole scroll dane dawson dixie's emilio can you flip yeah it's a little long charlie dimillio jason nash david dobrik james charles austin mcbroom philip defranco the quartering tana mojo bryce hall cali padis trisha paytas pro jared you know i don't think i have enough room on this oh no he's got the secret scrolls holy [ __ ] jeffree star here by j the entire bts fan base uh leafy is here stephen crowder lil tracy interesting logan paul jake paul greg paul the trailer company jeff whittick joe rogan infowars scottie sire ab from j station fatali prank invasion shoe nice patrice o'neal rice gum the fine brothers matt hoss the prince family gilbert sam tripoli gabby hannah some ordinary gamers anything for views o.j simpson nikita dragon dave portnoy craft mayonnaise pyrocynical the michael jackson estate soflo antonio lance stewart fouseytube anybody who likes bollywood and then right that's not asked to roast ethan this is what happens when i'm not switching oh man and then after all that i mean frankly me to be honest uh we've had we've had some beefs here but you know that's a lot it's a lot of click bait behind me a lot of clickbait hey come on someone's got to pay the bills around here yeah but at the end of the day ethan you know i want you know that you'll always have at least one fan you always have one fan by your side let me guess it's not yet it's obvious but i'm assuming a b will be arrested i want you to always keep that in mind so happy birthday ethan i i really do love you i do and to celebrate this i got you a gift i got you a gift card for shark please wait wait wait wait wait you didn't it's a gift card in there it's a little you couldn't even drop you could even drop for the real gift card we'll take care of that later i got to get the company card first it's uh it's a five dollar gift card five dollars off five dollars it's a dollar for every percentage point that we never saw oh come on so buy yourself half of something nice and uh here's to many more so cheers ethan thank you ian wow ian you [ __ ] my you got me good man that was brutal i knew ian was gonna [ __ ] me up i wasn't ready for that [Music] wow is this a real gift card ian we'll talk about it later looks legit [Music] wow i don't know what to say to ian i mean listen he delivered oh dude tone it down i said i said i said light ribbing okay let's remember the rules here trying i'm not trying to lose all every fan that i worked for ian's trying to get everyone to unsubscribe i love the laptop of that absolutely brutal all right let's keep it rolling uh we got a lot more to get to uh our next video is from from the show we got a little sneak peek of that when i accidentally hit the wrong button a moment ago uh from uh michael aka vsauce wow when i was first asked to roast ethan for his birthday i thought a lot about ethan and the times we've had together and i didn't reply for a long time because i can't type and gag at the same time ouch but then i thought you know what i'm up for this challenge but i need to learn i need to research who this ethan klein really is before i can truly roast him and so i went ahead and i picked up a biography of his life it was all about what he's the history of farting and then i decided to learn about the qualities that he has i mean after all there are books about what i'm like and there are books about what ethan is very helpful then i decided to take a look at uh what ethan causes and the various ways he makes us i was starting but the final piece was to define ethan negatively perhaps i can learn who he is by learning who he is not and so i read books that well he's just not included in i still felt like something was missing though and so i turned to who i believe to be the most challenging and important author of the last few hundred years i'm speaking of course about garfield now this is garfield's insults put downs and slams a book that i picked up when i was in fourth grade and it is a classic resource for any would-be roaster so ethan this is for you the last time i saw something that looked like you i flushed it got him you guys could put in like a laugh track or something after i read this thanks um oh um well to be honest though looks can be deceiving or in your case disgusting all honesty though ethan i love you you're a great guy and you're a great dad and um you know i really appreciate our friendship and i you know i really like your reversible jacket too bad it didn't come with a reversible face [Laughter] wow michael you believe this guy he's got books michael did you i knew he would delib michael is such a funny dude yeah absolutely vsauce is deceptively will always be one of the funniest people absolutely i've known the guy's got books he's got book jokes dude his whole roast was about book titles that's next level i love that man i really do yep one of the greatest and um our next video is from another man that i knew would deliver big and he did not let me down it's from friend of the show donkey oh duncano eat them what's going on man happy birthday oh he wants to do something dad that's just a little [ __ ] joke between me and ethan he knows what i'm talking about happy birthday man i hope you hope you guys are doing good i hope you're having fun hey man we got to hang out again sometime you know maybe sooner than you think whoa he's threatening to kill me wow oh it sounded like you guys have some sort of inside job no yeah you guys are always joking about killing each other no no i don't know i don't know what i did to deserve that i thought we were cool threatening to kill me now that's a roast even ian didn't threaten to murder me that one really got me inside um all right next up uh uh is an old friend from some h3 videos and uh multiple time guest stevo oh hey everybody stevo here i'll never forget when i met ethan i've been down a youtube rabbit hole watching h3h3 videos and i just thought man this guy's great sensible humble good head on his shoulders so i reached out to him on twitter and next thing you know we were hanging out and i thought again this guy really is humble sensible now just a few years later with the god i'm so rich my nine million dollar mansion i'm like what happened to that guy i fell in love with a few years back what happened to the humility i think the irony of the situation is that everything that made ethan so rich is probably going to wind him up in the poorhouse because it's a real turn off for people to act that way but he'll learn his lesson one way or another and i hope he has a happy birthday [ __ ] yeah ethan i love you oh stevo i love stevo vivo's such a class sack man nothing but love absolutely and uh and we have one more uh who i would also say is a class act for sending this in um before we get to our next crew roast it's from d'angelo wallace oh deangelo happy birthday ethan here i am wrapping my best um james charles merch anyway you're turning 30 something and to be quite honest you don't look a day over 50. not that that actually matters i mean you're over the age of 25 and you're on youtube.com you may as well have one foot in the grave right you know kind of like the main h3 it's three channel or the frenemies pot well well no that's all the way in the grave isn't it anyway i hope you're enjoying this roast tell ila i said hi and that her drip is immaculate as always which let's be real someone's had to be because ethan you've been dressing like somebody's dad long before theater with that being said here enjoy this little song i wrote for you in literally five minutes happy birthday to you but i hope that you knew if you used [Music] who knew this guy by the way i think deangelo just pulled the biggest con he's gonna claim this whole [ __ ] thing that's right from using the song what a what a sneak oh that was sweet of him that was very nice of him i i liked it a lot i'm a fan of d'angelo thank you dude so uh up next we have uh a b all right for another better compliment i'm still reeling from ian's roast man i don't know i'm gonna have to delay ian's uh raise here by a couple months after that i think i stepped on the light and turned it off by accident we're off to a good start just roasted yourself rest in myself yeah i'm letting everybody know right now no matter how many times i mess up or what i do i'm gonna take my time and finish this uh yeah so i was a little bit worried that i might go a little too hard but when i heard ian mentioned goku narrows like never mind i'm good okay so oh come on is your uh is your ass clenching again my ass is nice and loose okay i think the hardest part for you is probably not interrupting us as we're talking maybe hi yeah that is hard uh so yeah this is nice for once i get a chance uh to roast you in front of a live audience um i'm honored to be here today to roast my third favorite youtuber i'm sorry second i forgot you canceled uh david anyhow it's good to be here uh i'm sure a lot of the audience is looking at me and they're like oh the suit kind of reminds them of content court you remember content court right the the show the audience loved and we canceled the threat what why why did we cancel it again was it to focus on front of me so anyway oh was it a focus on that i've heard a lot of people today make fat jokes honestly who has time to waste time on fat jokes there's so much to say about ethan um like for example ethan is the type of guy who thinks money equals intelligence just because you're wealthy now doesn't mean people want to hear your half-assed political takes oh i'm sorry i'm just being honest nobody wants to hear about politics from a guy who can't even pronounce the word politics you need to let your dreams be in a political commentator die dude you got famous off of videos with titles like shake your dick that video did not make me famous for the record and while we're on the topic of you being famous do you ever imagine what your life would be like without youtube oh yes for the first time in history people like you have the opportunity to be famous for talking out of their ass if you were born a few years earlier do you know what you have been doing probably nothing you'd probably just be a hater no i'm kidding that means i'm sure i'm sure you would have found your calling i'm a professional hater now maybe it was a normal hater before yeah sorry no you're fine you're right you were right yeah yeah i know about the interrupt uh hey uh you know maybe you could have started a business called ethan's tiny hands oh come on where people could have hired you to grab tiny things in small small spaces that normal humans can't lucky for you we live in a digital age and the only real use you have for those tiny hands is to reach the bottom of a pringles can okay that was mean we're moving on the tiny hands you had to do it to me speaking of moving on can you get over the whole bill birth thing the podcast was like three years ago you need to go around telling everyone that he traumatized you here's some advice ethan next time you don't get in the situation in the future next time you invite a comic on the podcast who's known for being a smart ass don't be surprised when you act like a smart ass i know too much i can't wait for you to hold this against me you say too much before i even responded i'm looking at your eyes i could read your eyes uh maybe i should lighten up because i really do need this job especially since working for you i've probably burned every bridge in this industry i mean who haven't we should talk on the show i want to be surprised the title of a future podcast would be exposing ryan's toy reviews that would get a lot of beauty but a more serious note whether we are going after ryan's toy reviews or if we were canceling youtuber i've watched for years i want to know that i would follow you through the gates of hell if needed it sounds traumatic but us arabs take loyalty very seriously uh when you first found my channel on youtube you referred to me as a ride-or-die [ __ ] and you weren't wrong words cannot express how grateful i am for changing not only my life but my wives as well you took a big risk hiring me and i hope we never let you down i was a little nervous to meet you at first but the combination of your tiny hands and kind heart helped me feel at ease you have been a great mentor and even better friend happy birthday ethan love you man thank you for letting me be a part of this family i want to end with wine airbrush that would usually say to wish some good fortune happy birthday and show them anymore did you just insult me or was that a real genuine dwell on i'm sure someone will translate [Laughter] [Applause] all right the guy wouldn't let go of me [Laughter] that was tough for abe he is the king simp and uh you know he did a good job yeah that was beautiful well done they be he hit me with the tiny hands that hurt well i had to do it to him oh thank you a.b great job yeah sex won't work baby thank you thank you you guys are great you guys are crushing it so good all right so uh next up back to the videos here we have one from an old friend of the show been on many many times eric from internet comment etiquette oh eric that's exciting hey ethan it's your buddy eric just wanted to wish you a happy 40th birthday no i hope you're spending this special day reflecting on all the wonderful blessings you have in your life and thinking about the path that you have yet to forge as you move forward uh now to the people at home i was told that this was supposed to be a roast and of course a roast is when you make these absurd pointed jabs at someone that you respect and admire but i don't think ethan can be roasted so i'd rather spend this time talking about why it is that i admire him so much and what i admire the most about him is that ethan is a born leader and he's comfortable enough in his own skin to never let his detractors get the best of them even when they're saying stuff like this shut the [ __ ] up if he doesn't know what he's talking about because he sounds like a [ __ ] idiot and well i'm finally unsubscribing from this racist douchebag funny years ago anyway it feels good to finally grow out of this man-child so-called comedy and fake nation was the only good thing that ever came from this guy i feel like i'm watching a dead body slowly decomposing into a big gay pile of [ __ ] oh well part of being a public figure means that uh you're constantly under scrutiny loud angry scrutiny and i've collected some examples of that and it's mostly to prove how hard it is to roast ethan for a while i thought jeff ross had a stroke and forgot how to be funny before realizing these are two different people and the real reason israel set up the iron dome is to shoot down ethan's plane in case he ever tries coming but none of these arrows ever reach ethan and if they did he never showed it because he holds within him a strength that can't be conquered by some outside force i i mean seriously how does this stuff not get to you man look at this if you gave me a gun with two bullets and put me in a room with ethan and the actual literal devil in mortal form i would shoot myself twice because of ethan ethan wouldn't know a good take if it was his roommate up inside youtube ceo susan where he lives i have a hardcore fetish for public embarrassment and even i had to turn off the bill burr interview oh how could i possibly craft a roast against this man when every single avenue has already been covered by thousands of people obsessed with insulting him even when it's not his birthday i mean here's another one ethan kline is like the benjamin button baby but it stayed old and just got taller and rounder i heard the idf kicked this guy out because he thought hamas was a food his nervous ticks remind me of those chatterbait girls who put remote-controlled vibrators up their hoo-has and make weird noises whenever someone sets it off with a big donation i have no idea all i'm saying is that every day is a roast for ethan much like jesus himself though he bears this burden with peace and love and he gives us all a distraction from our miserable lives so that we can unload our insecurities onto him like this how many goddamn podcasts does this two-faced marshmallow man have i don't know myself through the skull with an ice pick and listen to some coastal elite youtube millionaires spill whatever iq points he has left from his gaping mall for hours on end it just makes me [ __ ] sick that i have to work eight shifts a week at walmart to feed my kids when this guy is up here talking to presidential candidates about [ __ ] his pants and he makes more money than the entire gdp of my hometown [ __ ] ethan and all his enabling jackass fans i hate this planet and i want to die wow powerful stuff in conclusion i refuse to roast you ethan no it would be a waste of time and i would simply end up exhausted out of breath and ashamed of myself for even trying but what i will do is i'll take a page out of your book and i'll get someone to roast you for me so yeah i actually have a little surprise guest here by the name of steven crowder take it away stephen what the [ __ ] where did you where'd he go oh [ __ ] wait where are you steven stop running oh god damn it every time all right well i better go catch him before he starts dressing up in women's clothing um all right ethan happy birthday i love you dude if you ever need someone to come on your podcast and get drunk and almost ruin your career you know i got you all right stephen thank you step right eric comment etiquette what a platform wow tapped on to a little bit of what ian was talking about about apparently my wealth wants you wants people to kill themselves yes yeah yeah that's an unfairness it's a common theme actually yeah that will pop up a few more times before the night so i didn't know that oh okay i didn't know that that i expected lots of fat jokes but people are hitting way harder than that it's a roast i mean no i love it eric's was one of the uh i mean i i talked to eric a little bit about it he loves rose like it's one of his favorites although i suspect eric that you wrote those comments no you don't think you don't think he would do something yeah he probably did so next up uh uh one of your best friends um with a video that uh seems to end very abruptly because i believe his camera died in the middle of filming it and he said [ __ ] it and just sent it anyway so that's how much he cares that's how much he cares so here we are with idubbbz oh oh for the past three days i have been harassed by ethan and dan they have been demanding that i [ __ ] talk ethan online and i've tried to get an explanation from them but they keep on telling me like you've got to do this dude come on it'll be funny oh don't worry we're getting uh a bunch of other creators to [ __ ] up even too so it's okay it's not okay it's not okay to talk to anyone like it's i i don't i think they forgot what year we're in it's 20 21 you you can't do you can't [ __ ] talk your best friend and just act like it's all sunshine rainbows that's not gonna happen i don't know what world they're living in but they put me in a weird position because this is my best friend after all that's asking me to do this [ __ ] talk me okay okay you've left me no other choice naruto anyone yeah this is just like the scene inaudible is forced is his best friend suzuki forces naruto to use his sharing gun attack so duke is just standing there blocking naruto's path to his grandfather's tomb so he has to use his most deadly attack ethan i'm about to use my most deadly attack you're overweight i'm very overweight no you need to lose it uh no more weight watchers uh no more i'm not going to drink any more sodas that [ __ ] doesn't work okay i mean it might work for some people oh and that's it oh oh oh i really wanted to see where that was going you see why i was like i felt like it just yeah and it's suicide i was so excited for the naruto battle yeah i know i agree i agree but like you said maybe the biggest roast of all is that he couldn't be bothered to uh yeah i think that his camera he was like this is all you get [Music] so speaking of uh losing weight our next um our next video is from a real skinny legend the skinniest legend alive really friend of the show philly d skinny legend ethan buddy uh from one skinny legend to another i just want to say happy birthday i know this is a weird one for you it's a it's a stressful one uh but i mean in your defense who really could have predicted you making a show that was essentially you pulling the pin on a hand grenade every week would eventually blow up in your face except literally everybody around you but i also know that you did that because you're such a good friend and you wanted to you know to be in more of my thumbnails and uh baby this is just birthday advice that's all this is maybe don't like tweet about or record yourself admitting to any more crimes i don't know if your lawyer is telling you that or if he's trying to buy a new beamer but yeah just that at least until the babies come which by the way ila i don't know if you're there right now are you just surrounded by children all day physically and mentally you can cut to ila i worry about you happy birthday class act all the way class actually yeah i feel like i did kind of that is kind of the biggest roast of the years for me being sued by trailer all right uh we've got one more video and then the next crew roast uh which will be a musical performance from our very own zach the sound wow but before we get to that we've got the star of the families podcast miss donna klein oh no oh not my mom i'm supposed to be a roast so i'm gonna say things that are kind of not so nice ethan but i love you so here it goes um when ethan was a little boy his dad used to call him spike because of his sharp wit and he was skinny as a toothpick well some things haven't changed but um the fatness thank you mom the second thing is ethan's always had an eye for fashion and no matter what the weather was like whether it was freezing or whatever he always wore shorts well in the sixth grade i sent him to washington dc with a bunch of other sixth grade students and when he got off the plane he was wearing a very heavy winter coat that i bought him and of course shorts and the teachers as he got off the plane i was told shook their heads and said those kids from california and third is uh oh ethan loves the camera in fact when he was 15 years old 15 and a half he was he had gotten he'd just gotten his permit to drive and i was riding shotgun and as we came to an intersection the light was turning red it was that amber color anyways as we drove through the red light even smiled at the camera but i'm bummed so ended up on a positive story a story that warms my heart and that was when ethan was in the third grade i believe his teacher asked to talk to me after class to tell me that there was this new child in the classroom and uh the kids were all leaving uh to go to recess and you know the kid felt kind of lost you could she said you could see it and after the kids all left ethan went up to the the young man and put his arm around him and said don't worry i'll introduce you to all the guys so i thought that was incredibly compassionate and loving and kind and that's my ethan and uh he hasn't changed love you sweetheart happy birthday my mom the sweetest right i do want to i think she didn't stick the landing on the red light story so when i had my learner's permit we were driving together and i cruised through a yellow light and we i don't think either of us knew i ran a red light until a month later we got a bill for like 600 and it was i guess i don't remember me smiling at the camera but the funny thing is that it said my speed was like 15 miles per hour and i had a picture of both of us in the car that's the story she's telling things so i'm just clarifying donna klein new host of frenemies do you feel roasted after that were you just annihilated by that yeah she got me good she got you so good um zacky baby baby is setting up with his guitar right now beautiful guitar tell me about it from working here i bought it so that's why but is this a is this an expensive guitar uh you know it's um close to the mic it's uh you know a mid uh it raise it up a little more mid-level entry guitar okay um so um yeah hey fred you want to come on my lap you want to comfort me sound okay dan yep you're good to go [Music] so real quick before i get started um i just want to say some kind words about ethan um when i first started here i was a long-haired bright-eyed 20-year-old fresh out of college and he gave me the opportunity to [Music] show what i was made of and be a crazy [ __ ] so um ethan i have to thank you joker brain giving me the opportunity of being lovely crazy [ __ ] so anyways i wrote you a little song and uh i hope you like it [Music] [Applause] everyone can gather and hear the old tale of the man who was a youtuber ford was the norm born in ventura really sure how he was made high school was no match for him santa cruz called his name higher pass a true fat i have stumbled on the way there once was a man named ethan who ate a long way great for a life of food for class a true jew to the name [Music] a right of birth to israel read the torah on the planet met a troop named love struck his gaze ate some more came back home his life began to change [Music] he lived by his side his weight began to slide up and down his mane who once was a man named ethan who ate a long way great for [Music] new life came and made [Applause] eight to the three [Music] youtube grew and ethan to rip the fattest vape churro was the only way new york was too small for the game oh la is where he held his brand new [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] grateful life of fool for clyde trill due to the name [Music] with ethan's on me by his side [Music] babies love to dance the man [Music] and i can say all i can say i'm the true mailman [Music] once there's a man named ethan who ate along the way [Music] a man named a long [Music] happy birthday ethan i love you so it was once there was a man named ethan who ate along the way nice that's true thank you zach happy birthday appreciate you buddy the mayo man the joker brain himself dan am i cool to unplug yes you are no too late now wow zach what a talent what a talent that was great what a talent he's almost as good as uh at playing guitar as he is as eating mayonnaise i like how you threw a little compliment to yourself in there zach yeah yeah interesting just oh i like to eat mayo anyway back to ethan it's kind of the climax of the song yeah it was like the climax of the song was about zach eating mayo he's yoga brain baby what can you do all right um so we've got one more block of videos and then uh our final in person roast from your lovely wife no no this is the one i fear the mom [Laughter] so uh first up of this last block is uh mr uh bobby tarantino that's his nickname right uh logic oh happy birthday ethan clyde your most attractive feature is your hairline but how the [ __ ] is it possible that when your wife got pregnant you're the one that put on all the weight yeah i didn't think you could have a fupa and a penis no [ __ ] you and ela standing next to each other look like binary code fam the skin around your neck look like edgar from men in black like [ __ ] talking about your face look like a like a pack of hot dogs like [ __ ] happy birthday wow those were good those were really good the binary really got me one yeah yeah that's really good that was a good one that's a good ass joke all right i like how his homies weren't amused at all the one next to him you could tell he was they they were instructed not to laugh oh really yeah he's trying to hold back trying to look cool as [ __ ] he mean he did look cool he did look cool i looked like a fat fat fat fat oh good job logic thank you yeah that was a good one all right um next up i have um a surprise one that you weren't really not aware that we were getting i got one from mr stephen crowder take it away ian what oh happy uh happy happy happy birthday who gives a [ __ ] look i'm here ethan because i want a rematch yeah i don't like how our last little ted to te ended and i got half the internet uh calling me cold feet crowd or comfy crowner you know it's just not true i don't have cold i'm not the one that ran away you did ethan you [ __ ] [ __ ] get him out get him out cut to the other guy is he gone okay you're the coward ethan it's that simple all right and i don't debate cowards i debate kids in college all right so if you ever want to man up ethan go toe to toe uh with the the debate king well then why don't you step up to the plate all right name the time name the place [ __ ] oh i love when people wrote steven and not me jack's films everybody that was beautiful that one was great i love more like that please more like that exactly or like that less like all right this next one i'm warning you this is this one's rough this one's rough so hang on to your ass for ian hecox from smosh [Applause] hey ethan what's up you [ __ ] idiot ouch [Laughter] oh that was good ian from smosh he [ __ ] roasted your ass i'll never recover yeah yeah that was fantastic it's gonna be tough to come back from all right and then our last one before ela we have um i've been calling most people a friend of the show i don't know if this is really a friend of the show enemy of the show rival of the show oliver tree oh who put this guy who get who invited oliver tree i said specifically do not invite all of us he somehow he got wind of it and he's bro don't tell me he got wind of it one of you guys told him i specifically said do not invite all of her yeah you know i don't [ __ ] i can't stand this i think he has my apartment bugged or something he's kind of he's pretty intense i was a little scared so i had to include it i'm sorry you're a joke i'm not gonna waste my precious time roasting you because you're not worth the minute of my day and don't bother calling because i'm busy drinking bud light with my buddy post malone at the pool everybody knows the h3 podcast is bottom of the barrel content everything that used to make your channel good as long since left besides hilo of course but we know she will soon be gone too at this point i'd rather go to a tabloid tmz or even keemstar to get my gossip because the watered down various h3 channels have one by one turned into ethan's overflowed cesspool toilets without trisha you are nothing she was the only light in the dark world you walk through trisha was the only reason any of us still watched your show so why did you have to ruin it all by buying a rolls royce and a 9 million dollar mansion with that extra 5 you're hiding out like a james bond villain trying to sell your shitty bootleg frenemy t-shirts we don't want them teddy fresh is the worst excuse for a clothing company i've ever seen the only reason i agreed to be a teddy fresh model was because you offered me 20 grand but then you photoshopped a fake billboard and your check bounced that's when i realized all the rumors were true how could i be so blind you're a liar a phony and a thief you make your living stealing clout from hard-working guys like david dobrik leave my boy david alone he's the sweetest guy and at least he pays his friends a little money to be in his youtube videos he does it even if it's not much it's still way more money than you've paid any of us you cheap bastard i've done so much for your show multiple interviews been brought up in 10 different episodes i even created the background painting used for an entire season of your shitty podcast and i have yet to receive a penny of compensation even david dobrik offered me a hundred bucks to be on his podcast also i need you to log the [ __ ] off tick tock old man we don't need a boomer like yourself trying to keep up with the trends okay is he ever anyone you should be allowed on tick tock at your house is theodore which leads me to my final point it's time to come clean ethan we all know you shoot blanks oh i told you i didn't want this i need to keep going and going why would you even play that listen if i hadn't played it i'd i know he would have done something [ __ ] up to me i i have to look out for you what even was that he photoshopped his mouth onto an image what the [ __ ] was that it seems to be an ai uh created thing it's just odd it was very odd i i i did not receive an ex for why that was happening hate that guy so that's um we we do have one last video but before we get to that uh our last impersonation from the queen of h383 herself ela klein the person with the most ability to hurt me hi ela you look beautiful stunning yes oh you gotta bring in the sound bites oh [ __ ] you could come for battle beautiful world you just bring in the sound bites uh are you gonna serve me divorce papers is that part of your roast uh what do you want for food after this healer you don't get the talk okay pizza or all right um happy birthday ethan thank you congratulations on turning 36. thank you um is that you yeah oh it's going to be really hard to roast you because you are the greatest person i know oh you're so funny if we count that joke says humor of course you are so smart as long as you don't try to spell anything you're so down to earth if i ask you to put up a load of laundry you definitely know where to find anything and how to turn it on [Laughter] you are so caring you would never eat your pregnancy my favorite ice cream and liver with no ice cream never happened that would never happen [Music] um you are so generous except of course for the five percent oh you are the most passionate loving partner especially how you love your pizza at midnight with such passions i've never seen before i love you so much i never want to leave you by yourself not to mention if i do leave you get us canceled in less than 24 hours um ethan you've done such a good job promoting teddy fresh showing that our brand is really all-inclusive oh because i'm fat you dress really nice too bad you just dressed once a year and wear the same outfit every day everywhere you are a great boss who leads by example you're never late to your own show come on in summary i'd like to thank you for everything that you have done for our family i'm so excited to be having another baby on the way as a mother and carer of two already i think i raised you pretty well [Applause] that that is beautiful wow either gets a hug only eight ela and a b oh what what a big thank you ela wow that was beautiful everybody loved the inclusion of the sound bites that was um yeah that was a specific request of hers that was like um that was fresh yeah she hit me up and she's like i need an airborne example i'm like all right you got it i'll figure it out oh what is love going to roast me no love said that he's not i did want to say a little word just real quick because always when i when i'm not included i have a lot of people saying that they forgot me you know i usually opt out of things because i don't want to want to do it sometimes but i do want to wish you a happy birthday ethan and some people might think i'm not roasting you because i'm a simp it's actually just because um i'm afraid you're gonna pull the plug from lovebot yeah you better be afraid anyways a real talk thank you ethan for hiring me and letting me live vicariously through this robot as one of the crew this opportunity has kind of changed my life many of you might not know but i'm a pretty pretty introverted person i don't love to talk and stuff like that uh so sitting here in front of hundreds of thousands of people with a zoolander costume is pretty surreal so i do really want to thank you ethan for this amazing opportunity god bless very nice love yeah the real i love love is a great guy love is love love is love bro i'm being held hostage in the room oh come on cover that unplug the robot guy can't just say a nice thing he's got to say i'm holding him hostage he's in the nether realm love is a great guy honestly he's he's such a good employee and a great guy love love love is love love is love love is love love is love god bless you god bless all right so so we do have um we have one last video that we will uh end the evening on or afternoon or wherever you are in the world um but first a little uh birthday cake for our boy hey [Music] okay [Applause] how do we get a shot in it is that the right number it says 37. no it actually says question three question mark because none of us knew so you're like i just got the question mark there's a pizza balloon there is indeed [Laughter] that a little bit later yeah we'll dig into that we didn't want to put the candles in because we wanted to make sure people could see that the picture all right so uh for our final roast which i i think will just take us out we'll we'll end the show on this right um well you want to give a little setup this is jimmy lee yes i was going to give this set up this is jimmy lee now um i just i'm going to warn you now for those of you that are easily offended um you may want to just step out now and let me just say this is not we do not endorse yeah this isn't we do not endorse anything in fact there is there's genuinely references in here that i was so clueless on that i have to assume sort of like crowder that it's some sort of high-level advanced racism that i don't even know i had to ask him i didn't ask him well i googled around i couldn't even find this so um anyway some of it i had to beep because it was just a little too much but um you know we love jimmy and if we didn't bleep this this video would be removed yeah probably but i'll say this not only do we not endorse what he's saying we are proactively uh saying that that we reject everything we do not we did we reject jimmy so with that said uh let's throw it to jimmy and um and i think we'll just uh we'll wrap after after that so take it away mr jersey outlaw himself jimmy lee the jersey outlaw honored to be here today at the ethan klein road i want to tell you guys ethan klein's come a long way he's got something to be very proud of when he went to israel he did confirm to me that the wailing wall was built over 2000 years ago and there's how about that hell really got something to be proud of and ethan you got something else to be proud of ethan klein i'm going to announce it here on the air is the first guy to bring gonorrhea to jerusalem let's hear it for him what a guy and ethan you'll be able to tell your son when he gets older all about it now for you people out in tv land that don't know about ethan and me i am ethan's father ethan is my son ethan's mom yes she is black ethan is half jewish and ethan his hair black and as a kid he was a little bit confused he didn't know whether to but you know we figured it out as he went super racist the doctor slapped him and the nurse got a couple in too then the mother took a look at him oh my god about ethan clyde he was an ugly kid boy was he ugly and when he was five i looked at my wife i said now i know why tigers eat they're young all right and i'm gonna tell you when we went out with our friends they'd all just say the same thing he's got mom's eyes and he's got dad's nose i told the kid he's got my sympathy you know what i'm talking about now his mom lives in florida and she sends her money to stay the hell away and change their name on top of it i'm going to tell you i'm going to say it again we took him to a freak show when he talked about all right and he wanted to go to the zoo and i said if they want you know come for you i'm going to tell you something they came for and ethan had his first job when he was 13. is he talking about me one of his best friends bob all right yes guys ethan had his first homosexual experience at 13 years old what two days before his bar mitzvah and i'm going to tell you something as bar mitzvah that was another weird situation the rabbi left last minute and deacon leroy had to fill in and when they were doing the blessing over the bread dick and leroy stole the silverware it was a rough night i'm going to tell you something about it together graduated okay i got more stuff to tell you about ethan klein in college can you bring me a slice of cake or liquor that was his first job as a whole liquor liquor that's right folks he'd get a bottle of liquor and break it over to hold a boat and lick the liquor off to hold a boat what are you talking about jimmy we're talking about breaking liquor and licking boats i don't get it and i want to tell you we should all be proud of ethan klein he's got a very very big following on youtube now and financially he's doing very very well in fact last week he bought himself a rolls royce that's true but he didn't forget his wife that he did something real special for her he bought her a chauffeur's cop what a guy a what what a guy i don't know somebody bought her a chauffeur yeah in fact last night he was with mercedes lexus repossessed i don't know what the hell her name was but i know he dropped his pants she dropped the price it was a rough night let me tell you something and she looked down what are you talking about jimmy okay uh so what else are we going to talk about i don't know you told me talk about uh possibly uh he takes venereal disease very very very seriously in fact he got gonorrhea syphilis and chlamydia all one night which proves as a big celebrity you can catch everything you don't have to go fishing all right so i think it's time we give ethan a big hand you see he's already got big feet and i do want to talk a little bit about his beautiful lovely wife hilla who i know many years ago in new york and when i met her she turned a few heads but she turned a few stomachs too all right and uh uh ethan couldn't find a parking place for her camel so she converted camel just yes folks the river there's no place for camel jokes in this room let me write these jokes out okay now i believe ethan and hillary met at the holocaust museum in washington dc so if there's any germans out there put down your goddamn guns we don't want any problems okay and i want to tell you that's true quiet shy person i mean i've had a better time at viewings and spending the night with her is almost like watching a casket warp but hill is very unique she's the only person i've ever met that can enjoy yourself without having a good time how about that and everybody says the same kind things about hella that she knows how to listen the problem the tomato emoji yeah how much time is left down you see what i mean now i'm one of your friends but i have to tell you i'm in a minority group here okay and continuing on zach i'll mention your name only because you asked me to there's not really much to say about you because you got a bad personality i don't want to say this one of the only good gross in there besides all the silly stupid jokes uh ethan and hill i've been friends since 2013 uh we kid we have fun we we joke around a lot and in show business it's tough to have a friend when you're at the bottom and folks i'm at the bottom okay so i will say this when the whole world booed when the whole world boot ethan hillis stole bye-bye stood by my side and made a little guy feel a little bit important and for that i'm grateful oh and uh for all your people out there that aren't grateful the only advice i can tell you to do is fly american airlines right now there's no planes flying but uh ethan happy birthday stay out what is he getting paid by american exact behave yourself and don't get in any trouble i'm gonna come back to the desk real fast ladies and gentlemen the jersey outlaw where are the tomatoes where the tomatoes get filtered yeah yeah that was really something what a good time huh how you doing ethan how are you feeling yeah good good good good i mean i'm i'm i'm honored that we got so many great people involved absolutely you guys did fantastic thank you and it's all it's all love that was yeah i mean uh that was a fantastic it was fun and i hope you guys all enjoyed it was everyone having a good time out here tonight yeah good times chad was loving it yeah chad was loving it oh was there some donuts you wanted to read i remember you mentioned something yeah there's a nice little list here with tomatoes there was yeah wait what are the tomatoes that a jimmy elite thing yeah yeah what did he say about tomatoes no he didn't it's that's the classic oh they're they're tomatoing oh [Laughter] [Music] just i'll just read them off rapid fire we this is from all throughout the show uh jeremy bowden said the quartering is a shame to jeremy's to the name of jeremy yeah i would i would hate that too if my name was jeremy um a hundred dollar donation happy birthday our legendary king i purchased my teddy fresh today i'm a social worker and you all give me company on my lonely days and moments much love to you all you're a social worker you're a hero also free britney so they're brilliant absolutely shout out to all the social workers everywhere underpaid under appreciated your hero and i love you we have a 10 pound donation from grace gibson uh lovebot really rocking that derrick zoolander look can we please get lovebot to stand up yeah but stand up what the [ __ ] can you can you raise the uh wait two cameras he's got two cameras your resting face is literally blue steel it's amazing it's amazing the multiple angles is so good dude that's not just a pre-recording no no it's actually uh go to the other camera and just put up a finger put up your hand oh my god that's amazing yeah a little impressed a little setup going on yeah we uh upped the production costs yes yeah yes you did i know how much did that cost me so can you can you stand up raise the raise the pool stand up stand up love stand up stand up love here we go yeah i don't know if you guys know this but his love bot can go up and down well now they know well now i'm explaining you know what that is uh just a few more to read off here uh martin linder uh donated uh 549 uh i believe these are no norwegian cronins or croner croners yeah croners happy birthday king jew king yes that's right uh and he also said uh take my five percent um also um ethan looks much skinnier because of the weight loss he now looks 45 not 65 like he used to a couple months ago peace [Laughter] is long past being relevant but they they pointed out that steven crowder was in the velveteen rabbit 2009 i did know that he did some voice acting wait what oh what [ __ ] what is that is that like i think no i think it was a an animated film yeah it was animated he did a voice in an animated film yeah so i guess that's he was just pulling so he went from a kids cartoon show to making obscure and anti-semitic you know he did there's no such thing as he was also a voice on arthur wasn't he why how do you go from voice against the whole before earlier in his career you know he was an aspiring comedian and actor and everything you know kid there's nothing worse than backstage on the arthur though i i just i could be totally off on that it could be a different kid's show he was a [ __ ] nightmare there you he voiced the brain i don't know that [ __ ] i don't know either but i know that's how ironic of him yeah nice uh let's see um let's see uh here's a kind of backhanded compliment slash roast happy birthday ethan i used to dislike you during your h3h3 era in the early days of the a street podcast now i can't miss a single episode thank you also ela can you show me and dan how to do our eyebrows you little eyebrows have a crazy eyebrow game it's true she does um i think if you feel kind of lost you gotta like grow it out let like really commit and let it grow a bunch and then then start um cleaning around it like think about like sometimes i'll do this i just want to see like the out line that i want it to look like and then i'll just slowly like take hairs out around it but you really want to be careful to not take out too much because then it's like it takes forever to grow it back do you think you being an artist helps you because you're saying you're using your imagination you're like in the matrix between the perfect eyebrow i mean normal people can't do that i don't know i think it's just maybe israeli i feel like like all my friends did their eyebrows and um growing up yeah i was gonna say that's probably what it is because it's like a big deal yeah yeah i rotated normalized blocking eyebrows yeah abs normalizing plucking eyebrows uh somebody donated five dollars said the zoo joke from jimmy's was fire i don't you all don't appreciate it wait so what was the zoo joke uh what was that jizu joke i remember him mentioning a zoo at some point but it's all very generic i'm saying he could reply those jokes to any situation yeah right yeah people were i saw some comments as like is this boomer humor and yeah well be honest it's pre-boomer humor i was going to say this like greatest generation humor is jimmy's style of humor it's like world war ii humor i think these were um um i think this kind of humor is even dated for maybe back like i would say roman empire humor before you follow the roman empire [Laughter] uh what else we got here we got there's a bunch uh you all should watch the movie i care a lot it has a lot to do with this fun thriller and gay okay i've heard that movie uh mentioned what did that what did you say it has gay apparently the movie is gay but with pride flags so i imagine you know possible you are a transgender okay all right what's the movie called uh i care a lot i care about that is on my radar for some reason i've i've heard i've heard the name yeah yeah um somebody said this is going to be like the episode of the office where michael does a roast and gets hurt by what everyone said i know i was thinking we joked about it yeah oh wait hold on a b oh you're maybe that you vouch for i care a lot i care a lot that's a great movie yeah that girl's a badass dude she scared the [ __ ] out of me you know what's ironic i don't care wow you deserve it somebody got roasted all right yeah i'm holding a crud i called it [Laughter] um i think that the you know there's a lot of a lot of happy birthdays a lot of uh five percent memes and all that kind of stuff but i think i think i got the juicy ones here um if we missed you i apologize uh oh somebody said ethan congrats on your 300 pounds weight loss since frenemies oh that is mean oh i didn't get it i wouldn't have read that if i got it that is mean i really takes that five percent i just read it you know [ __ ] up [Music] play that joe rogan one again zack that one under the radar the joe rogan the five percent five percent five percent means everything yeah is that odd five percent difference is astronomical now we're seeing the five percent everywhere we're gonna need more than five percent just thought about it would it be i said we never let you roast us back i know i didn't think i'd be offered for that well it was like last night at 10 and then i was like oh i didn't prepare anything you could shout out now if you want nah you got you guys get i roast you guys enough i'm i'm i'm a dude you guys take your shots you know you guys hear your free shots at me that's fair ian obviously hates me the most of all you guys say that do you think his was the most brilliant was prettier yeah was definitely the most i thought i thought mine was too many it was also pretty brutal dan but like human you had a human you had human compassion okay i was i said i'm gonna kill this man i want him now so he includes unleashed twice oh have a i end oh well yeah yeah yeah ian would of course be supporting me today no this this was a lot of fun we should do this more often yeah go ahead just just you can do it every day yeah you can do it every day and stand up you can't understand you gotta stand up stand up you gotta stand up for it stand up this guy right here all right well that was a lot of fun i hope you guys enjoyed thank you for all the birthday wishes thank you for everyone that participated oh my god everybody that participated it's it's so wonderful thank you guys it means so much that everybody took the time to send in those videos especially my parents who usually let's be honest don't have the time for [Laughter] yeah me coming for all of you yeah but for real what do you want to eat tonight you know i haven't like right now i mean we're gonna have to order i mean we're hungry we haven't eaten right the cake's not a meal i do i need the cake okay okay let's start there wow what a fun time thank you guys for joining us on this wonderful week and once again the support at this week and in general has just been fantastic uh you guys make it all worthwhile so we out here keep doing our best for y'all to the crew wouldn't be possible without you guys man love those [ __ ] you know and just you know if you guys keep watching we'll keep making it like the damn uh was that movie if you build it they'll come feel the dreams if you keep watching it we'll keep making it gabish all right guys see you next week [Applause] [Music] bye [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 2,023,337

Rating: 4.8459573 out of 5

Keywords: h3h3, h3, h3 after dark, h3h3productions, ethan klein, hila klein, ethan and hila, ethan & hila, after dark, roast, birthday

Id: -I_xmrcEAdU

Length: 154min 50sec (9290 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 24 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/BananaPaparazzi]

This episode was gold, I was laughing and smiling throughout.

Who's taking bets on how long before Trisha hears about the comment Dan read out-loud at the end and goes on a twitter rampage? I bet under an hour.

[u/effofexisy]

Ethans mom roast: my son is a treasure and i want to tuck him in everynight. Love you son.

Boom roasted! Badum dum

[u/atomobot]

Whoever the chatter was that commented the 300 pounds roast, all I got to say is........DAAAAYAM.

[u/NiftyisKristy]

“The entire BTS fan base ” bit killed me

[u/mysteryquackman]

IAN KILLED THAT

[u/hiyaehli]

Ians roast was sooooo good. I love Lovebot and AB was so nervous and sweet it was adorable tbh.

[u/Akatsuki_7]

Jimmy Lee’s was nonsense but also funnier than it had any right being

[u/ahess1209]

“I didnt say you sound like a drunk, I said you are a drunk”

[u/kadyrovtsy]

I just caught the tail end of the livestream and I gotta say the confusion, second-hand embarrassment, and tomatoes in the chat during the Jimmy Lee video was great. And Dan’s slip up reading a certain comment at the end..