Infidelity - Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating

it's scary sometimes just absolutely frightening it also frustrating and it can definitely make you angry it's when you believe as a matter of fact maybe almost completely convinced that your spouse is cheating on you that he or she is involved with somebody else yet you don't have enough proof to absolutely know a great portion of you says I know it's happening but I just need to have some proof another part of you is now maybe I'm altogether wrong maybe it's not happening at all what we want to do in this video is share with you a roadmap for you to assess whether or not it's likely that your spouse is cheating and we're actually going to use that word roadmap and give you a point for each one of those letters only we're going to take the road and abbreviate it as Rd like you see on a map so Rd map Road map hi I'm dr. Joe beam with marriage helper we do a lot of videos about relationships and if you'll subscribe below to our YouTube channel you can find all about the relationship issues that we talk about every video that we do and you'll be notified every time we put new videos up and we do that every week and here with me is Kimberly Holmes Kimberly is the CEO of marriage help of the organization for which we both work and Kimberly we see a lot of situations where infidelity actually takes place but we also interact with a lot of people who are wondering is my husband cheating is my spouse cheating it's a miserable place to be yes absolutely the people I mean when you're in that situation and you don't have proof but you feel like if you just snooped or maybe put something on your spouse's car maybe you could get proof but then you hear other things we talk about marriage helper and thing that's not what I need to do you know what can you do when you just want an answer you really just want to know so that you can figure out what you need to do to move forward and so today we're gonna share with you that roadmap now it's gonna be Rd a maybe roadmap east letter sense or something now please hear this it will not necessarily give you a definitive proof as to whether or not your spouse is cheating and please don't listen to this and hear one thing we say and say oh he or she is doing that one thing now I know for sure happening be wise we're gonna give you a way to assess it but in and of that it does not necessarily give you every answer but but we will show you how to find the answer if you choose to the Kimberley's we talked about this the road map are dmap to find out or to assess I should say whether or not your spouse is cheating mister the first one the R stands for respond it has to do with the way your spouse responds to you now notice everything about the road map has to do with something that has changed meaning it's not the way it used to be something is different and so when we talk about any of these we're looking specifically for changes so under each of these we're going to give you three points under they are the m8b three points under each one so pay attention to them all and some we're talking about the way your spouse responds to you has he or she started evading questions that you ask in other words you may even think they're kind of innocuous questions but what happens is that it has changed rather than having conversations where you asked like how did it go today and he or she answers now when they answered they're doing it in a way that appears to be invasive like vague answers or answers that are not really telling you anything or even changing the subject now again if this is how he or she's always talk that's a different animal but if typically you could have these conversations and when you ask questions you've got the answers that made sense to you but now the person is beginning to be evasive then that is a sign that maybe something is going on and Kim and I guess we should say right here it doesn't necessarily always mean infidelity it could be they're into something that's say an addiction like maybe they're into some kind of pornography and they're trying to hide that from me or that they're into gambling and try to hide that from you and so this roadmap can help you understand how it might be one of those things as well but particularly and specifically here we're gonna be talking about the roadmap when it comes to assessing the possibility of infidelity so the first one under the R is there being evasive the second thing is they begin to accuse you of not trusting them as a matter of fact let me say things like you're making a mountain out of a molehill there's nothing going on and they keep saying those things back to you until you begin to question what maybe maybe I'm just being too jealous you know there's a possibility that sometimes people really are too jealous so what you have to assess here again is the change yeah you know it's interesting because there's this concept that's come up in the past five years and the realms of psychology I don't think real psychology but if people who pop second yeah that's all right called gaslighting have you heard about and that's what it made me think of when you talked about accusing you of not trusting or accusing you of doing things different I'm wondering if sometimes the people who feel like their spouses are doing this to them part of them they're just being crazy but part of them it could be that their spouse is into something they might be you know having an affair they could be addicted to painkillers whatever it might be and instead it may feel to that person like they're gaslighting me but really there's some kind of accusation to cover something up yeah we sorta do the third thing which actually pissed castle I'd to give it more you see gaslighting actually comes from a movie it was an Alfred Hitchcock movie way back in the old I can my movie days where that the husband really was trying to convince the wife that she was insane and that's the third thing here so the first one is to become a base of the second one is they start accusing you you ask questions or you make comments or statements and they throwing it back at you like why are you causing a problem and there is no problem but the third part of that really is closer to the guest letting thing which is they begin to question your sanity like what's wrong with you and have have you been eating the wrong food have you been drinking the wrong things have you been hanging out with their own people and actually some can sometimes actually get you to start questioning your own sanity now again these are changes so let's go to the next one that's the art because we're gonna talk about a couple of things we get through them roadmap like what if you come to the conclusion that you think your spouse is having an affair how do you affirm it we'll talk about that and if he or she is what do you do then now the second thing in this has to do with the D like Rd cynical road and that's when you start getting different treatment from his or her friends or family what I mean about that is this Kimberly sometimes when people get into things where there's an addiction or an affair if they're being unfaithful sometimes their best friend or close family members know because while they're hiding it from everybody else they have to have some allies no I say have to have that's not necessarily true but often want some kind of an ally I need some mentor to cover for me I need to mentor to understand this and help me or even some how do you even alleviate their guilt they need to talk to somebody and so it might be a very close friend or even a close family member and so if and again we're always talking about change here if that person your spouse if his or her family your friends start treating you differently because L is about things that change start looking for things like this they may be uncomfortable around you before they weren't they were gregarious they were happy to be there'll all kinds of conversations took place but now whenever you're around them and it might not be all of his friends or her friends all of his family or her family we're talking about someone that he or she may have confided in and now when they around you because they know about this they start being uncomfortable or the second heading under that they start avoiding you like hey wait a minute before whenever I come around they'd walk across the room speak to me but now from where they are they duck off here or they get involved over there and it's like wow why is this person avoiding me or even the third one is that when they do look at you they display emotions that don't seem to fit the situation like for example they look at you and they look embarrassed or they look at you and they look guilty or they look at you and maybe you see sympathy like they feel sorry for you or even the fact that they are angry with you because maybe if indeed your spouse is involved in these situations he or she is convinced the other person about how bad you are in the things you do now again we're talking about change right if these people have always been like that right then don't pay any attention to it right and this one is so difficult while all of these are but this one's very difficult as well because you can convince yourself well they're treating me differently because you're looking for reasons or you're looking for things so the encouragement here is to really try and be as unbiased as you can be and of course remember this is one of five total things we're talking about this one in isolation may or not mean anything but this one combined especially more of the others could just give you more of a reason to think maybe something's going on and maybe I need to look into that but it's not to get you to worry more no and that's an excellent point don't take just one of these things and think God that means something Bad's going on we're talking about a combination of several things here and so understand that's the D let's go to the M the map look for things that are missing no don't just do this all the time as Kimberly just said if you have pretty strong suspicion that some things you will know they shouldn't be going on then look for missing time what I mean by that is that he or she typically would be at this place at this time but now they're not and all of a sudden they're working a lot of overtime like wait a minute where are you or I got hung up with my buddy and he's telling me all about his problems and and so I'm spending time with him a lot just listening to him now that might be legitimate that actually might be true but when you have missing time and not just once maybe not even twice or three times but it begins to be a pattern of I don't know where you are and that what is what we mean by missing time I don't know what you were doing there during that period of time I know what you told me oh you said he was shooting pool with your friends but every night mm-hmm and then also look for missing money because you see and particularly for husbands here it's also applicable to wise but sometimes not as often if indeed they're doing something they shouldn't do most things cost money if they're meeting off someplace to be together and they need a room god forbid that cost money if if they are into gambling obviously that costs money so you look for missing money as well and what I mean by that is that that you say wait a minute we usually have more money than this here's $100 missing here or here's who $200 missing there and when you start asking about it inspector there your first one responses responses are they clean if they says because of the fact that usually they would just say oh I did this I'm funky fine but now it becomes shifty those kinds of things so missing money missing time and missing affection like he or she used to come in and give you a kiss give you a cuddle you and Men and now they're beginning to move away from that and so it's like I'm not getting the affection from you I used to get now again in and of itself by itself can mean any number of things including somebody having a bad day but in culmination now this one also has a caveat sometimes sometimes there's an increase of affection it comes seemingly out of nowhere where you're starting to have sex more or they're holding your hand more they're hugging you more and the reason for that is because they might feel guilty about what they're doing out of that guilt it urges them pushes them to be even more affectionate either guilty or ambivalent like I'm not sure if I want to leave you for this person and so that one actually has an office of this will sometimes it's not missing sometimes it's increased so you've had they are and the D in the M and here's the a altered or new things meaning that they're not doing things the way they used to do them so for example the appearance changes I mean for years they struggle it away but all of a sudden now they're able to start losing the weight working up they start dressing better than they ever have they change hairstyles to new hairstyle now again ended up itself by itself that might not mean anything but when you look at the combination of these things together and they start changing the way they look often that can mean I'm trying to impress somebody else I'm gonna make sure he or she finds me attractive but not just that altered beliefs and values like for example maybe they used to stand strong saying things like adultery is wrong I can't see anybody would do that or people shouldn't gamble their money away or whatever it might be but in conversations or when you around them or even watching television you see that they have started shifting their beliefs and values to where well I can kind of see that I can understand what people would do them now in and of itself it might just be a transition in life but coupled with all these other things when they start changing their beliefs and values and you start hearing things from you didn't hear before that can be a really bad sign and if you're involved in your religion whether that's Christianity Judaism Islam whatever it might be if you're involved in you're involved in your religion and they begin to pull away from that they don't go to his churches to church as much as they used to or start talking about all the hypocrites that are there or like man I don't know if I believe all that stuff anymore so it's not just a change in appearance it's changes in beliefs and values and religion we saw that not long ago with a couple of weird that the husband who used to be very active in church just quit going to church all together no he didn't stop immediately and then the other thing that would be altered would be involvement with you or with your kids like hey every Saturday he or she used to take the kids and do this were you suited a lot of picnics together where you did this things we did those things and now that's not happening anymore and if that's occurring again in this big picture right it could be a bad sign not necessarily them fidelity although it may be but even something I mean all of this if this stuff is happening then there's something else going on and it might not be an addiction or infidelity but there could these are signs that something's going on I should look into it right you know because if you don't and these things keep happening your marriage is going to end up in a bad place anyway right if something really is going on yeah no absolutely no if these kind of things are happening shortly after your husband or life loses a parent and it lasts for a short period of time then probably you still shouldn't panic about this like okay that's a natural reaction to the loss of a parent or loss of a job or whatever it might be so again be wise with this and you're looking for things that don't have other explanations that make a lot of sense well we finally get to the P of the roadmap so they are the M a P and the P talks about what's protected so for example if they're not protecting their devices before him they leave their cell phone here they'd leave their email open and all those kinds of things and if you picked it up nobody would have a big deal like hey here you forgot your cellphone and they don't paint it I think that you pick it up and that you hand it to them or that the email is open and you say you left your email open but now all of a sudden it's like no they keep that thing right there with them all the time now face up but face down and if you even touch it it's like why are you touching my stuff or how dare you looking at my email and so if they have protected devices the protected communication means so it could be email it could be text it could be whatever it might be if those things are now protected that they didn't used to be you have to be wondering why yeah what is it that you're afraid that I'm going to see but it also can be protected places like before you could drop by work but now it's like no no no you don't need to come there don't come my work anymore you disturb me you mess up things people don't understand while you're there or a protected part of the house like this is now my man cave or a woman cave don't come in there don't touch my stuff don't bother my stuff they get protected places or or in a situation that we know of where God did say I'm going out to play pool and needly even come back in at two or three o'clock in the morning part of that protection was you're not allowed to call me while I'm gone you can text me and I'll text back but you're not allowed to call me no in that particular situation it was not because of what they would hear in the background like he really was playing pool with his friends in that particular situation is because the other person he was with would discover that he was actually talking to his wife or children didn't want her the other woman to know that he had that so protected places protected areas protected time if they're protecting things and you're shunned from that band from that can't get to that not a good sign and finally protected storage what I mean by that is this it could be that you find out that a bill comes across and it's for a safety deposit box that you didn't know you guys had and you have no access to or or you find a statement comes in the mail that there's a different checking account see a different card in their wallet oh great cord that you're not a winner I've don't know anything about and it's like I don't know anything about that what is that and then we're back to the base enhancers and this is none of your business and why are you making a mountain out of a molehill why are you causing a problem there is no problem and then maybe even getting you to question your own sanity how could you possibly think like that but if they have protected storage of things because maybe the other person is giving them little gifts and they want to had those from you or protected money or anything else like that those are not good cents so you heard the roadmap no you heard Kimberly we're gonna say it again this does not necessarily mean infidelity it does not necessarily mean addiction but if all of these things are changing or at least most of these things are changing something is happening nepeta makes sense because he or she just lost a mom or dad I just lost a job in its relativity temporary he probably shouldn't panic about it like we get it but if there's no really valid explanation for this and he or she won't talk to you then it's time to think to maybe something more now let's go back to what you said at the very beginning Kimberly we know that sometimes people say well what I'm gonna do then is I'm gonna hide a GPS in his or her car or I'm maybe I'm gonna hire a private detective or I'm gonna start sneaking around trying to follow them what the pros and cons of that had well the pro is you'll figure out real quick what's going on I mean that's really the only pro the con is it can be expensive that's one print con but a bigger con is that when your spouse finds out that's what you've done even if they're in the wrong if they're doing something they shouldn't be doing then all of a sudden it's not what they're doing that's the issue it's what you just did that is the issue and you lose your leverage of being able to help rectify the situation because they're going to be very mad at you yeah as ridiculous as may sound yeah it's not about my adultery is about how dare you violate my privacy no from an objective third party you look at yo what what about a Padma kettle kind of thing right they actually use that and say that just justifies what I've already thought about you you're controlling you're dominating I can't live with you etc etc now I have on occasion witnessed it where it actually worked the other way where the person got caught like that and they really did fess up and they dealt with it but it's always been rare mm-hmm it's happened but it's rare now if you want to roll the dice and see if it works for you you can go ahead and do that if that's what you wish to do or if you've already decided I just want to know for sure because if it's happening I'm gonna divorce that person then why not do whatever you want to do when it comes to gps's and detectives and etc but if you think you want to save this man rage then it's probably not the best way to do it so people might be thinking okay well I've got these things going but I don't really know what do I do next we recommend that even though he or she's been being evasive that you still have a conversation and the conversation would be something like this I'm not attacking you I'm not accusing you but you see let me just list some things that have been bothering me as a matter of fact you might want to go right down the roadmap not saying we got the roadmap from Mary Shelburne but they think you're in an affair here's what they said to look for because anyone listen to anything you say but it's like it's bothering me that these changes have been occurring be evasive Ness all the things that we've talked about so far and so I'm asking you to respect me enough to tell me the truth I'm not going to attack you I'm not gonna do some dreadful drastic terrible thing I'm just asking you to respect me enough to tell me the truth about this now believe it or not we have seen though many occasions where that actually has worked right when a person doesn't what a person feels safe to tell the truth and that's the key here if there's a history of you attacking them getting angry at them for telling you the truth it might be harder for them to come clean about it but if you actually say it in the tone that Jo just used where you're calm where it's the right situation and if you actually live up to the promise you make of you can tell me I'm not going to attack you that's a key here then if when they open up if they feel comfortable and secure enough to open up and tell you the truth then that's where huge strides can be made even if an affair is still going on huge strides can be made in order to fix your marriage and if they don't open up and tell you the truth then you can in the conversation something like this well thank you for listening and let me tell you what I feel and I want to tell you that the door is open if at any point there's something that you feel that I should know because you respect me then I'm gonna be acting commonly whenever that happens I'm not here to hurt you I still love you and so you leave the door open that if they're not telling you the truth now no the next thing you do is you become vigilant we don't mean necessarily hiding with GPS in the car hiring hiring the private detective but you begin to pay more attention because inevitably people mess up at some point if indeed he or she's really into this and they're gonna accidentally get that love letter mixed up in the regular mail right or or phone calls gonna come to the wrong place or an emails gonna go in the wrong direction and so you become vigilant paying attention as to what the signs may be in other words you don't just wash it away and say I'm just gonna live with it no matter what you pay attention and if the evidence comes across that way then you have the next conversation and it's like I didn't pry right I didn't snoop so therefore they can't attack you this is how I discovered this it may even be then one of his or her friends actually will come to you to tell you that's not unusual sometimes they'll do that and when you talk to him or her then you can say I found this and this is how I found it or your friend came and told me this and this is the conversation that occurred or whatever it is and still the very things we said earlier be calm if you want to save the marriage now if you want to divorce them yell scream get to your attorney and get rid of them but if you want to save the marriage then you're gonna need the right kind of help there are people out there to help you but we definitely are in that group and so what we'd ask you to do is to trust us enough that we because we deal with these things every day and I'm not exaggerating every day with thousands upon thousands of couples not just from around America but from around the world in the last workshop we did we had couples there from Germany for example we've recently a people from Hong Kong Singapore Beijing and Canada and all across America so wherever you live we will help you as much as we possibly can we have things we can do we can offer coaching for you by phone takes time whatever it might be we have an intensive three-day workshop we can help you with that we'll be glad to tell you about but I don't have time to explain here we even have an online course for you if indeed you discover that your spouse doesn't want to be in the marriage but you still do we can guide you through the things that if anything works this will and so they can find us how you can call us at 86 six nine zero three zero nine nine zero or you can also visit us online at marital per com one of the other things that you can do is subscribe to this YouTube channel be sure to do that and with what we've talked about in this video talking about the roadmap you're watching it because you probably are suspecting something comment below let us know what you think about what we have said about the tips that we have given let us know how you might implement this if there's given any hope to you we want to know that we love reading your comments and if that toll-free number doesn't work from your country that 866 number that was just given then try dialing one that's the area code that's the country code I should say for America one and then six one five four seven to eleven sixty one well you can see these on your screen and so if the first number doesn't work you can call that one now it's not a hotline but if you call that you'll get our client representatives who will listen to your story to understand and they can help direct you to whatever resource we have that's was the best value to you but as always marriage helper calm and these YouTube videos we hope that your spouse is not being unfaithful we hope that your spouse is not into something he or she shouldn't be into but if he or she is there is hope we can help please contact us [Music] [Music]

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 105,010

Rating: 4.8302503 out of 5

Keywords: love, hate, husband, wife, marriage, divorce, limerence, affair, cheating, spouse, children, attorney, advice, tips, coaching, counseling, liar, narcissist, how to know if my husband is cheating, how to know if my wife is cheating, cheatin spouse, cheating wife, cheating husband, signs your spouse is cheating, are they cheating on me with someone else?, how to know if my spouse is cheating, how to catch your cheating spouse, should i tell my spouse i know they're cheating on me

Id: Awgj609pJlA

Length: 26min 48sec (1608 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 17 2019