TEN RED FLAGS INDICATING NARCISSISM

through the videos that we've had on this channel I've talked with you significantly about some of the primary ingredients of narcissism high control low empathy and need for superior RT an attitude of entitlement a manipulative and exploitive way of dealing with people what I'm wanting to do is I want to add to your understanding of narcissism and I want to see if we can pick up on certain red flags that might be just a part of their natural behavioral repertoire that goes beyond just those basics and as I talk with you about these these red flags and I have ten of them here I'm wanting you to learn how to discern what's right and appropriate for you in relationships because I I know many of you have said you know I've been exposed to narcissists and it did not work out well and I don't want to have to go back where I have to redo that all over again so let's see if we can pick up on some primary very common red flags that a narcissist may throw at you then we'll tell you perhaps this is not the relationship that you need to give a lot of attention to for example red flag number one narcissists tend to be easily critical now you know each one of us can be critical from time to time we may say something like well I didn't really like that or that didn't meet my expectations and so you know sometimes with that inner critic shows up but narcissus it shows up a whole lot they can complain easily they talk about what's wrong with somebody or what's wrong with an event or how this didn't measure up or they thought they were all that but no they weren't you know then they just say and say those kind of things so frequently it's like man I don't think anything's gonna please you and with a narcissist typically that it doesn't because they have to be superior which means they like finding things that illustrate to them that people and events are inferior to them or a second red flag they tend not to delve very deeply into your emotions for example let's suppose that you're talking about about an event let's say you've visited some friends or family and then you say to that person I really enjoyed my time it was quite a rewarding experience for me now the average healthy person is going to say I could kind of tell that was a good one tell me more about that and how is it that that fit into your needs or what's the history with that and so they want to ask penetrating questions so they can get to know you on a more full basis the narcissist yeah I don't care what makes you feel the way you feel and so if you talk about what makes you feel warm or good they may say something that's nice but they don't really show a lot of interest in you because you're not them they think about one person's needs most and well that's themselves or a third red flag that a narcissist may toss out at you and that is they tend to hijack conversations let's suppose that you're discussing an event or you're talking about some plans the narcissist may say yeah that reminds me of time when I did something like that and they'll just go on and on about their experience and it's like you've got left behind in the dust and you're thinking well I was about to explain to you what my experience was and then you realize they don't really care that they have one favorite topic that they like to talk about and when you know it's themselves and their experiences or a fourth red flag and that is they lack reflective thinking now narcissus can be intellectual they can have all sorts of ideas about what's good and bad and what's right and wrong and they may be able to explain concepts and ideas real well but that's not what I'm talking about when I talk about reflective thinking you know for example if you're in a boardroom and you're talking about some plans you hope that it's it's tied to a sense of mission ality if you're in a relationship and you're trying to discuss who we are and where we're going you hope that it's tied to some feeling of meaning and purpose and that's what I'm talking about when I talk about reflective thinking narcissus is light now it's too much trouble all you need to do is look at me and I'll tell you what to do and when you want to go deeper and deeper into the meaning into the roots of things they get bored with rather quickly unless they're the ones that get to call all the shots and then they can talk forever about that or how about a fifth red flag and that is they can excuse any and every mistake that has ever happened in their life if there's been a failure it was somebody else's fault let's suppose they're talking about a relationship that didn't go well then they're gonna talk about how moody the other person was or how they had all sorts of expectations or they just didn't live up to their to their promises something like that if it's a sporting event and their team lost it's because the rest did it if it's a business venture if it's an organization and something didn't go well then somebody else is at fault for that they don't like saying I blew it or I made mistakes or this is something that brought out one of the negatives in me they can't do that because that's vulnerability and that means that they're away from that superior position and that scares the daylights out of them or how about this one and this is number six and that is they they have a lot of expectations for you and people in general you'll hear narcissists and listen carefully on this you'll hear them use words like must and have to had better got to should suppose to those are favorite words that they like to use because it's their way of saying well there's a way that an agenda that life is supposed to unfold and it happens to coincide with the way I think and so they insist that things have to do things I have to play out according to their agenda and as a result they're not very nuanced you know sometimes you can have opinions about how things ought to be and that's fine but there can always be an exception to the rule or there can always be something that comes along it's like hadn't thought about that or that's just a different set of circumstances I think we need to move beyond hard black and white and sometimes get to know the person or the circumstance more fully before we move forward narcissus can't do that red flag number seven and this is a very common one and that is conflicts are not managed successfully if you get into a conflict with a narcissist then as far as they're concerned it's a contest whose correct and whose in correct and you can pretty much guess where you're going to be in that equation and so they can come off in a very overwhelming kind of way and shaming and blaming and harshness and a caustic style of communication if that doesn't really seem to get what they want then they can go into the passive-aggressive kind of past a way of management conflict where they can shut down they just won't give you the time of day they won't return calls things like that but it's their way of saying if you're in conflict with me you're the loser and I'm gonna make sure that everybody knows about that and so there's no spirit of teamwork healthy people say well if we're in conflict let's each hear from one another and let's you know give one another a chance to share their needs and thoughts and feelings the narcissist thinks there's only one person you need to hear from it's me or an eighth red flag and that is they can exaggerate their own positives but then they'll minimize their own negatives you know when you hear about something here's something good about them let's say they did well in high school they're 48 years old it's like well let me tell you about the time I scored that touchdown or yeah we are maybe in their adult years well we had this big sale and I closed the biggest sale in company history or their kids are doing well well they're not doing well they're the best kids in the class and so they they greatly exaggerated all the stuff that's good but then they don't like to talk about the the things that didn't go too well like the time I didn't get that sale or the time that you know then things didn't go well with me earlier in my life they only want to talk about themselves in an upbeat kind of way and so as a result you don't get a real sense of intimacy now they don't mind learning the the negatives about you because that just gives them power over you but they're not going to let you know their own negatives well this takes us to another one and that is another red flag and that is they can be very in rest with external signs of success for example they they like being in a bigger house or having the better car or wearing the finer clothing or being around the people that really matter the most they want to have the the external bling and the sign of success and being attached to the folks that seem to be in the decision-making kind of position and it's very important for them to have the externals just being an average kind of person or a regular individual or someone who's kind of plain are unassuming that's not very appealing to them and finally why don't we say another red flag is there's a there's a general sense of close-mindedness they don't like hearing from other individuals impatience comes easily and when I say impatience it's because they don't want to slow down long enough to hear somebody else's thoughts and feelings and needs it's like look if the world could just think like me then we'd all be better off and so they've just kind of got this sense assist I don't want to be bothered by listening to someone else's thoughts and interpretations just do what I tell you to do so as you are becoming increasingly aware of these red flags I'm hoping that you'd be willing to ask yourself a few questions as you think about whether you should move forward with this person or not and one of the questions is am I being asked to be loyal to someone who doesn't want to reciprocate loyalty toward me or another question do I sense that this person ultimately is going to have a low opinion of me particularly when my humanity and shows up and if all that's if that's going to be an ongoing thing it's gonna be very unpleasant for you another question and that is is this someone that I could be safe with when difficulties arise in any kind of relationship personal business or elsewhere there's gonna be some difficulty is this somebody that can handle things in a very good way and then another question and they is do I get the feeling that there are certain things that this person just doesn't want me to know about them you know there's an old saying that says a relationship is only as healthy as its secrets allow you to be and a person that just doesn't reveal themselves very fully and they don't really let you know that the totality of themselves is not likely to be somebody that's going to be you know good good for a relationship so I'm hoping that as you learn how to read these red flags you can tie them back to some of those primary characteristics of narcissism that we talked about the control and low empathy and these are some of the external signals that you can watch for now there is one person that doesn't really have a lot of red flags is my buddy Gus and Gus just likes to be a regular dog he's dead here my lap asleep and so I kind of put him to sleep and I started talking maybe I have that effect on you to open it-- in fact I would invite you to go beneath the video and hit the subscribe button we're gonna have more videos that come up and also beneath here we have some links to some of my books and some online workshops that you might avail yourself to just know that I'm hoping that we can create an atmosphere here on this channel that says let's do relationships right and let's manage our lives with goodness and dignity and that's when we know that we're survivors of other people who might want to throw their narcissistic bent toward us we can do better than that and so I'm hoping that you're gonna join us in that effort now to that end I will see you next time and Gus will too you'll be back see ya

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 827,413

Rating: 4.9427786 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, anger, Dr. Les Carter, family conflict, conflict resolution, counseling, mental health

Id: 7dPAklBFyXs

Length: 12min 52sec (772 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 08 2019