What's Predictable About Narcissists, And Why It Matters

[Music] [Music] there's one thing we can say about narcissus with a great deal of confidence and that is they really like to think of themselves as being quite special now I hate to break it to these individuals but my response to that sense of their specialness is well I don't think you're quite as special and unique as you really think that you are these individuals like to think of themselves as being a little extra gifted or they see things in ways that nobody else does and so that's why they don't have to blend with everyone else but they they can kind of call the shots because well I'm unique I'm different I'm better one of the things that we know about narcissism is it's a pattern and it's on a spectrum as some people have fewer ingredients inside this pattern some have quite a bit of it and it's very persistent but it's part of a pattern and narcissus can be highly predictable I know that they don't like to think of that because again they like to think of themselves as being quite unique but they're highly predictable in the way that they respond to life and it's very important for you to recognize their predictability because it has so many implications about your responses to the way that they treat you now what I'd like to do here first is I'd like to talk with you about some of the very predictable elements inside the narcissistic pattern that people can have and then I want to discuss what kind of ways that you might be able to respond to it knowing what we're going to be talking about so let's take a look at quite a number of things that are part of the predictable nature of narcissism now one of the things that we'll say about narcissus is they genuinely believe that they know more than you do about whatever it may be I've commonly said that two of the most dangerous words that people can speak are the words I know now yeah I'm an educated person and I I encourage people to gain knowledge but when you get to the point where you say I know well that can lead to the know-it-all attitude people who have this sense of knowledge like I know can become bossy or they can say things like let me tell you what how you ought to do things they it can lead to a lot of criticism narcissists are very predictably in that kind of mentality that says oh I know and right there in sight well you're gonna be difficult to deal with because maybe there are some things in life that are nuanced that you don't want to have to come to terms with but you know everything so I guess we'll go with that one week or another thing that we can say that's highly predictable in that narcissism is they have many different control tactics now some of the times their tactics in control or the outward variety like they can be overly directive telling people what to do or they could be more of a passive variety in the sense that they can be stubborn or just dismissive things like that but in their control these individuals can be very insensitive they can be sometimes very intimidating they can be vindictive they can be overwhelming in the way that they do life they can just be non-cooperative but it's their way of saying nobody tells me what to do I'm the one that calls the shots around here and that's a highly predictable part of the narcissistic pattern or another part that's highly predictable about narcissism they blame then they blame then they blame some more these individuals when problems come along can't take a look at themselves and say I need that I need to examine what might be going on inside of me if we're having some problems here instead if there's a problem if there's a difficulty they're thinking hmm well it can't possibly be me so who is it out there that's making my life miserable oh it's you and so they're constantly pointing that finger our trying to explain to other people why they are making life miserable and certainly it can't be anything to do with their own miscalculations or insensitivity so they're very much in an accusing kind of way now this kind of takes us to another of the very predictable elements and that is narcissists are not very honest and first of all they're not very honest with themselves let's keep in mind that part of the narcissistic pattern is that these people learn early in life then in order to get along and in order to succeed they had to build or construct what we would call the false self they put on masks and they they try to pretend to be something that maybe they're not and so as a result they they're not honest about who they are and how they come across and as a result they're they can become secret keepers there are all sorts of things about themselves that they just don't want to disclose and so there's a there's a great deal of in dishonesty that they have and as a result they live with a lack of real insight about who they are and how they come across now another very common thing in that and I know you've run across this one quite a bit narcissists can be ridiculously and ill logically defensive you know if you go to a narcissist and say pain would you mind looking at it from this angle instead of that angle okay just a very simple thought it's like what are you doing talking to me this way and they can just go straight into the defensive mode and you're saying no no no I'm just kind of talking with you about how we might look at things bit differently and they cannot say word phrases like you make a good point or thanks for the input or I was wrong or can you help me understand their defenses are very high very thick and they have to justify and rationalize and of course then they go back into that blaming thing it's what I call the boomerang communication they take anything you say of a constructive nature and they just throw it right back at you or another very common predictable part of narcissism is they honestly believe that the life the good life principles that might apply to you don't apply to them I mean for example have you ever heard something like if you want to show if you want to be understood show understanding well it's like it may apply to you guys I don't want to do that or if you want to have a friend you must be a friend or do unto others as you would have them do to you or it's always a good thing to listen first before you speak you know you've had two years in one mouth speak now listen twice as much you speak those are some of the life principles that you and I have been taught and the narcissist it's like mmm doesn't apply to me I mean maybe you losers out there will need to think in those kind of terms but those principles don't apply to me because you see once again I'm unique or another very predictable part of the narcissistic pattern is they consistently mismanage anger many times their mismanagement of anger comes out in that loud raucous kind of way where there's a lot of shaming and harshness and abruptness and rage sometimes they suppress suppress oppress because that's part of their secrecy they don't want to let anybody know what they feel other times they go into a passive aggressive mode which is part of what we refer to as the covert form of narcissism where they're they're wielding their control but in ways that leave them least vulnerable but whatever they do in their anger it's going to be mismanaged and then when a guy like me comes along and says well there actually are much better ways to handle your anger have you ever heard of assertiveness which means that you stand up and you speak into your needs but in such a way where everybody can maintain a sense of dignity and respect and the narcissists like no that's stupid and they honestly can't think like that because they're so committed to their unhealthy forms of anger or another very predictable part of narcissism is they honestly don't care how you feel or how you learned to interpret things or how you or why you prioritize things the way that you do they genuine to genuinely don't care it's part of that low empathy that they carry with them or another predictable part of the narcissistic pattern is when they're being friendly or cooperative unfortunately there's going to be an angle behind it it may be that they're being nice and all because they're setting you up for something and later on they're going to come at you with it you now owe me headed to it's part of their sense of entire but it's their way of being manipulative and exploited you never quite know what's on the surface as being representative of what's truly laying behind the scenes and then another thing that we can say it's highly predictable is narcissists will wear out their relationships they have a long steady record of leaving people feeling frustrated they're very exasperating and so they have a lot of broken relationships and strains and difficulties now it's very important for us to understand these things that I'm mentioning and frankly I could add a whole lot more are very predictable parts of that pattern and it's it's going to be going on in their life whether you're on the stage with them or not and that's very important distinction knowing that this is a predictable pattern and knowing that these people really aren't nearly as unique as they think they are let's bring it back to you in the ways that you're going to respond to it because if ever there's a problem or if there ever there's a strain and a difficulty in a relationship with a narcissist they'll just say well it's because of you when in fact no it's because that narcissist is in a pattern that's just not a very successful way of doing life and so here's the most important thing for you to recognize and that is whatever they have going on that's dysfunctional it's not about you when they're rejecting of you it's not about you as tells us much more about who they are when they distrust that's not about you it tells us a lot about what's going on inside of their fear when they are mean or harsh it's not about you you're a player on the stage but this is what they are it's part of their pattern when they're condescending it's not about you they're going to be condescending no matter who's in front of them when they have outbursts or when they have childish reactions to life's difficulties it's not about you they want you to think that but it's not about you it's about what they carry on the inside when they have a lack of cooperation it's not about you you see these are bro [ __ ] people and I go back to that term the false self these people learn way early on they can't afford to be honest with themselves they can't afford to think of themselves as being a regular person so the narcissism is a pattern of coping not a very good pattern I might add that they adopted years ago and they're playing it out with you and then if there's any difficulty which and actually there will be that arises from that then they're say it's all about you so knowing the predictability of their patterns I'm hoping that when they predictably throw it on to you and say you have to change because I have these problems which makes no sense you can say you know what I'm going to unhook I'm gonna cease pleading my case I need to move on you have a very poorly formed ego in other words you don't process reality very well and I'm not going to get caught in that kind of game it's very important for you to recognize that these are patterns that are going to be played out whether you're on the scene or if it's someone else it's what they are it's not about you and what that does is it releases you to say well then I get to decide as opposed to filtering it through that narcissist I get to decide what I'm going to be and I'm not going to let their drivel just dictate what I'm going to be I hope you can think like that and I hope you can have that mind of objectivity now I do hope that videos such as this can be helpful and informative to you I appreciate all the nice comments you have and the way that you interact with each other I think that's really good for us to maintain a community here in the surviving narcissism channel beneath this video you're going to see a subscribe button so I would encourage you to do so it hit that subscribe button so we can keep you up to date when more videos come along there are links below the video to some of my books and online workshops and then there's some availabilities to online counseling if any of those things would be helpful for you I would encourage you to look into that just know that I'm very pleased to be with you on your journey and actually knowing that you're working things through in your life it inspires me in my own personal life this together and we're all trying to figure out how to do things better and if we can do so in a with a collective sense of of coordination then all the better I like having a feeling of community so I'm pleased that you're with me here today and I will see you next time

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 630,482

Rating: 4.9335051 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, Dr. Les Carter, surviving narcissism, anger, toxic people, conflict resolution, self esteem, counseling, psychology, self help

Id: Lp225WfKBNg

Length: 13min 51sec (831 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 17 2019