12 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Don't Use

[Music] no doubt you're familiar with the concept of IQ that's your intelligence quotient and your IQ score tells us relatively speaking how bright you are how how smart you are and you know facts and figures and things like that well in the past number of years there's been quite a bit of attention given rightly so to EQ and that's your emotional quotient or more commonly we say we talk about your emotional intelligence you know you can have some people that are really bright in the academic sense but they have a real low EQ or you might have some folks that may not have all of the IQ power but they have a very high EQ and so that certainly impacts the way that they're going to be able to manage relationships and obviously a guy like me I'm thinking you know we want to get that EQ as high as we possibly can because ultimately the way that you manage your relationships and your own emotional comportment and that's going to go a long ways in terms of determining how strong of a relationship style you're going to have now I want to talk with you today about a dozen 12 different kinds of comments that people might make when they have low EQ and I'm doing so in this kind of direction so that you can be aware of some of the triggers that can indicate that somebody's not really managing things well from that emotional standpoint and it might be you it might be the person that's in front of you but the more you're aware of this then it can prompt you to think about the better alternatives and and there's one huge thing I want you to watch for as I go through these twelve and that is what I refer to as the covert messages people with low EQ tend to say things on the outside when in fact there's a hidden meaning that's behind the surface that really gets to the heart of where they're coming from so let's see if we can develop an awareness of all of that now the first phrase that I want to bring out that people with low EQ might commonly say is why can't you just you know why can't you just do things this way or why can't you go along with everybody you know you are or a corollary to that one might be you're gonna do what and in that case there's the implication that you know first of all they're not asking the question for the sake of gathering information but in both of these instances there's the implication that says there's something really wrong about you and I just can't believe that you're doing certain things the way you do and you need to do things better you're not saying it but that's the implication and something like that can lead to disruption in the relationship or a very close second comment that we can have is okay if that's what you want to think now it may be that you're having a discussion with someone and you don't really agree with them and you've attempted to speak your truth into that person and they're not having it and it's kind of like at the very end of the discussion you just kind of throw a barb in there okay that's what you want to think and it more or less implies I just really think that you're an idiot and now you're not outwardly saying it but you're setting the relationship up to fail and that's not going to be something that's going to lead to good results or how about a third phrase that people with low EQ might say and that is hey I had no other choice let's suppose that you said something that went in the wrong direction and it creates some havoc or you did something that turned out to be a disaster and so you explain it by saying well I didn't have any other choice the implication is if there was a problem it wasn't my fault and so there's a tacit form of blaming and again accusation towards some mysterious something out there and that person is just simply not willing to take responsibility for themselves as opposed to the person that has the higher EQ that would say I was in a difficult situation and I managed it in a certain way and here's how it played out and I think we might need to be willing to go back and revisit that high EQ people can actually admit I always have choices and sometimes they're good sometimes or not or a fourth common phrase this is very common that a person with low EQ might say is how do you think I'm supposed to feel now somebody else may be sharing a an incident with them were a confrontation and rather than saying alright I need to know more about why you feel this way and I'd like to talk with you about my response okay that we didn't involve a healthy exchange between two healthy people well the person was low EQ wants kind of put a bit of a shame on that other person there's something really wrong with the way that you look at me now what's wrong with you and then by the way that's another bad phrase that people with low EQ use what's wrong with you how do you suppose that makes me feel and the the implication is I think you're just an oblivious person a fifth phrase that's commonly used is if you can believe that for example you might say well my sister is said she was going to go and be with this person if you can believe that or this person decided to do such-and-such activity if you can believe that if the implication is I just am constantly having to come to terms with this person's idiotic kinds of ways if you can believe that and the implication is there's there's another criticism or insult that's that's being given to that person that they don't agree with now a sixth one and this is kind of an interesting a person with low EQ might say something to the effect of everything is great right now let me give you example what I mean there it might be that I'll say hey you've got that new job everything's great with it right and when I throw that word right on the end of it the implication is there's a certain way that I want to hear you respond I want you to tell me that things are going well and then if you come back and say well it's not all that great then it makes you look like well then you're doing things wrong and you're not giving the right reaction and so you're more of the negative kind of person I of course I'm being positive right and it's it has a real subtle put down towards the person who might not give the correct respond or a seventh phrase it can be very common is well aren't you just being sensitive let's suppose that you're talking about something and the other person has an emotional reaction that you don't like rather than saying tell me about that you can just kind of put that that jab in there well aren't you just being sensitive and the implication is there was a certain way you were supposed to feel in it that wasn't it and so again you're trying you're making that a person feel rather uncomfortable or number-8 a person might say nobody says that to me emphasis on that now this is uh this is going to be coming from somebody that has a strong argumentative nature there's they can disagree very readily and and they when they have somebody in front of them that offers a separate interpretation rather than saying I don't really think that way help me understand how you arrived at that conclusion which would be the high emotional intelligence way of doing things it's like ah you don't say that to me you don't have that right and the implication is I get to decide what you say do and feel around here or number nine this would never have happened if you had and and then they'll go on to you know we might be having a disagreement or there might be a have been a difficulty in our lives and I might just want to just put that blame out there and say well this would never happen if you just done things the right way or if you had listened to me or if you had made us a separate decision me and and so as a result of that then you can just kind of have this notion that says there's just you're just kind of belong here just to make things miserable aren't you you keep doing a good job of that this was never happened or number ten and this is just the statement of a very very stubborn futile kind of person where they might just say stop it just stop it now I know that there are times when a person can be angry or stubborn or argumented - and sometimes you want to say something like that and it's okay at times to say you know we need to draw this to a close but when you come off in this super strong stop it just stop it kind of way particularly if you have a reputation of not wanting to discuss difficult topics it just gives the respondent or it gives the impression that you're the kind of person that responds where actually when things go wrong one of the things that I know work hard on in my counseling office and then also of course in my personal life is I don't want to be the guy that responds in a rash way if something doesn't go right I mean can you mention come to a counselor's office and I just say shut up just stop it well of course not I want to establish myself as somebody that says we can talk about things in here rashly and that's something that high high EQ people can do in their personal lives as well or number eleven the low EQ person might say something like that reminds me of a time when I and so what happens is there are times when you're having a discussion with someone and they mentioned let's say they went on a vacation to Florida well that reminds me of a time when I went to Colorado and you just hijack the conversation or if you have something where somebody's talking about there was a disappointment with a holiday and you say yeah there reminds me of a time when something like that happened in my life and there are people with low EQ that they kind of send the message covert or that says I don't want to listen to you let's talk about me that's my favorite topic or 12 and this is one that can be very common with low EQ people and that is why should I even bother with you and now they may be feeling a great deal of futility and heard but instead of saying hey I'm struggling here they just kind of send the message that says a covertly you're beneath me and you need to remember that now obviously when you have low EQ that implies that there's a low level of empathy there's a high level of control there's actually a fear reaction in that I don't want to have to deal with stuff that makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable and I'm hoping that as you examine these kinds of responses you can look at yourself and recognize I want to be somebody that is more sensitive emotionally than that and then when you're around people who also have that low EQ you can have this sense of motivation that says I can do better and I want to be someone that offers a safe haven for people when we're in communication so it's it's a good challenge that we all need to maintain by the way I got a guy here that's got plenty of good EQ oh Gus he's just kind of a supportive encouraging kind of fella and he's just letting right here with his daddy just saying okay dad speak it say it he's just right there with me I know Gus Gus and I would like for you to go beneath the video here and hit the subscribe button and as you do so then you'll be apprised of more videos that come along there are also some some tabs beneath you on the video here that will take you to some of my books and online workshops and some online counseling possibilities and I hope you would avail yourself to those if you find those to be most useful I'm glad that you're on the journey here with us and just know that I am pleased that you include me in that in that endeavor that you're having so thanks for being here with you and I with me and I will see you next time [Music]

Channel: Dr. Les Carter

Views: 225,432

Rating: 4.8485398 out of 5

Keywords: emotional intelligence, EQ, narcissism, narcissist, communication, relationships, Dr. Les Carter, counseling, self help, psychology, anger, divorce

Id: 3pPNJ61AZns

Length: 12min 50sec (770 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 04 2019