How To Argue (But Not Fight) With A Narcissist

I want to ask you a very simple question and that is do you ever find yourself getting drawn into non-productive arguments or discussions with the narcissist it's kind of like asking the question is rain wet or the dog's bark well yeah of course you find yourself getting drawn into non-productive arguments because that's what they do let's keep in mind that these people can be very difficult they have a one-way street way of thinking and it's like my way matters mmm that's all we need to know I don't care what you think and so when you try to stand up for yourself and say well I have some needs or feelings that I want to discuss they'll just draw you into the big huge argument with the idea that they're gonna pummel you and it gets you nowhere good now I want to see if we can take kind of a two-fold approach here as we talk about how to argue with a narcissist without getting drawn into a fight and the twofold element is first I want you to understand what's going on inside of them so that you can have an advantage in terms of knowing what they're attempting to do to you in the midst of the arguing process the the more knowledge you have of what's cooking on the inside then the more capable that allows you to be in your responses and then second I'm gonna want to see if I can talk with you about a mindset it's not about techniques it's about a mindset that I want you to maintain as you are trying to manage your anger and tension and frustration and conflict for that narcissist so I hope you've got that that concept down now before we get too deeply into that I do want to make you aware of a couple of links that we have below the video one of the books that I have a link to is called the anger trap and I think you're gonna find that to be very pertinent to what we're talking about another book that I have a link to is when pleasing you is killing me and then Laura Carranza has a book called ugly love and then we'd invite you to also subscribe to our network so that you can write to our channel so that you can be priced whenever we have new videos pop up now let's take a look at some awarenesses that we can have first of what's cooking on the inside of that narcissus because like I say the more you're aware then the more you can keep from getting pulled into their game plan because there's a lot of that going on first and foremost let's keep in mind that the narcissist is all about being in control they have to be in control and so it shouldn't surprise you that they're going to use control forms of communication a lot of persuasion in their tone of voice they're going to talk with you with that kind of tone of voice a lot of stubbornness close-mindedness they give ultimatums so these people will operate with that kind of a mentality and the biggest mistake you can make is to get pulled into that game because when you do it's like oh I so have you going and they they just actually love it because it's game on and they're gonna try to win and let's keep in mind that when we are in an argument winning is not the goal getting your point across being true to who you are is the goal a second thing we want to to keep in mind is they genuinely feel better than thou so as you go into any kind of disagreement if you think well I want that person to have a much cleaner opinion of me and perhaps if I can present my thoughts and needs and feelings in a clearer way then that person is gonna walk away thinking well what a nice person you are it's not going to happen because any time that you discuss a disagreement they'd already have this notion that says well I'm superior and guess where that leaves you you're in the low place and you're not going to change their mind so just know going in that's their game and it's a game that you don't have to play another huge thing that we want to keep in mind is the narcissist lacks empathy now in healthy relationships it's not as though we're going to have a lack of disagreements but we are going to have the presence of empathy in healthy relationships you say what you want to say and I'm thinking okay into that and then I say what I want you to know and then you say in Reverse that makes sense coming from you I can give you some respect the dark sisters can't think that way if you think well maybe if I say things this way then they're gonna show some understanding mmm that didn't work okay maybe if I tried this and then they'll show some understanding well that didn't work either and if you continue in your arguing hoping that this is going to be the day that I'm gonna get that person to understand me you're gonna be waiting for a long time because that's not in their skillset they don't want to understand you they don't feel the need to understand you keeping in mind that they're extremely dismissive so keep that in mind as you go into a disagreement now another thought that you want to hold on to is the narcissist hates the notion that you feel competent within yourself because they're over there with a very critical mindset because criticism is one of their primary ingredients they're thinking you don't know anything you're an idiot you you you reason poorly anything that you think say and do that's that strays from me is it's probably off-base anyway and so if you think that that they're going to actually respect the fact that you feel confident and competent think again because they will not and then that also leads to another thought and that is keep in mind that as you do engage with the narcissist one of their goals is to keep you off balance now they can do all sorts of communication techniques with you for example they'll ask cornering questions like where did you come up with an idea like that or who told you that or don't you remember I said that something to you last week are you just an idiot or what do you just not listen well they don't ask you questions like that and you'll notice that when those questions are asked they're not being asked for the purpose of becoming enlightened they're not being asked because they're wanting to have information I say it's a cornering kind of question because the question is an attempt to make you feel foolish keeping in mind that one of the the primary elements it's on the inside of the narcissist is a shame based way of thinking chances are they were spoken to in a shaming way when they were growing up or they certainly witnessed it a lot and then that becomes the language that they use when they're engaging with you so let's keep in mind that the narcissist has this kind of mindset that I just described pretty much every time and if you think that it's your goal or it's your need to make that person respond differently than you then you've already lost so the question is how do we engage in arguments with the narcissist without fighting about it now again I'm going to underscore it's a mindset that you want to maintain you want to have proper thoughts on the inside of yourself so that as the the narcissist is engaging with you knowing they're trying to throw you off then it's your own inner centeredness that you're drawing upon as opposed to the the narcissists responses to you so the first thing I want you to ask yourself as you engage with the narcisse's you change your mindset do you make sense now if the answer is not really making much sense well then don't argue but it let's suppose that you have a need whether it's about how you're managing discipline at home or handling money or the way you're gonna do your schedule or decisions you make it work and that other person is over there just right and waiting to shoot you down well the question is do you believe in you because if you do that becomes the foundation for you to communicate in the most effective way that being the case a second thought that I want you to consider is go ahead and state your convictions in a plain tone of voice now keep in mind what I said just a few minutes ago the narcissist likes to use a lot of persuasion and insistence and then when you get caught in the the counter persuasive style and you say but you don't understand here's why I feel the way that I do it won't work because the narcissist will thing I got you going done' I'm just gonna keep doing this until I just drive you all the way into the ditch so maintain a calm plain tone of voice no persuasion no pleading no coaxing no convincing then third when you get the inevitable pushback and notice my use of the word inevitable because it will happen you don't need to go into a very quick or strong defensive posture the the the more vain the narcissist gets you defending yourself it's their way of saying I'm just gonna keep poking holes and as you defend then that gives me more ammunition to poke more holes and so the the more defensive yards like handing them bullets so if you say well the reason I feel this way is this or the what I'm trying to explain is you know last week we had that the more you go into that mindset then they just enjoy because it just means you're in the dogfight and they're just gonna bite you in the legs all over the place now knowing that to be the case the fourth thing that I want you to hold on to is remain decisive keeping in mind that one of the primary things the narcissist is attempting to do is to keep you off your game it's not your job to force that other person to understand it is your job to stand firmly for who you are and so when you say something like well here's the decision I've made and the narcissist tells you how stupid you are okay take anything they want I go back to my first question I ask do you make sense and if the answer is yeah I make sense well then if the narcissist doesn't agree with that it's on them it's not on you you don't have to to convince them or try to get them on your side so don't go into a deep defensiveness you might want to explain yourself once give them the benefit of the doubt and then if that doesn't work you still stand for it anyway and so the fifth point that I want you to hold on to is act out your assertiveness rather than talking for example that if you say I plan on doing this with my calendar and the narcissist says I think that's a terrible idea and then you get into a verb will battle with them don't do that just let them know well nonetheless I call it the nonetheless approach that's the decision I've made and so you do it or if the the narcissist says I don't want you to go and be with these people over here let's say it's family members or other business associates and you think it's a good idea do it and if they gripe and complain and moan and groan that's on them sometimes if you need to set stipulations then do that establish your boundaries but act upon it rather than trying to get their acceptance or trying to get their concurrence because the concurrence will not happen and then you can see this leads to a sixth part of the mindset and that is I'm not trying to win winning is not the goal standing up for who you are is the goal see we're gonna start with the presumption that the narcissus thinks poorly of you and whatever you think say you're do is not going to change that presumption it's kind of sad to think that way isn't it but that's where you are with that person and so you go ahead and have your own firmness you have your own good standing within yourself and if the narcissist doesn't like it that's on them now let's close with this thought I find it easy to be in a good clean argument with someone when that other person is willing to coordinate with me you know I say what I say and you say what you say and then we each respect each other the mark of maturity is when you can manage your emotions and communications cleanly even when the other person is being immature and off-base so that's the goal that you have stay consistent with good clean healthy emotional well-being and knowing that the narcissist is not a healthy person you hold firm to what you know is wisest and best that person does not have to set your pace

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 1,077,362

Rating: 4.9114685 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissist, surviving narcissism, anger, conflict resolution, criticism, divorce, argumentative people, Dr. Les Carter, Laura Charanza, relationships, sociopaths, counseling, psychology

Id: XIbFtZMVwxk

Length: 12min 59sec (779 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 06 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Mald1z1]

Thanks for posting this, I needed this today. Actually it reminded me of u/audisa I feel like this would be something that is extremely useful to you too 😊.

[u/GredAndForgee]

Thank you for this! Much appreciated.

[u/[deleted]]

Good video