There's Humor, Then There's Narcissistic Humor

we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial do you have a good sense of humor i sure hope so because to me anyway having a good sense of humor is part of being a well-rounded kind of person which is not something that you're going to see a whole lot of when you're dealing with narcissistic individuals they have humor but it's not the same kind of humor that you and i might enjoy i want to tell you a really funny story and then we're going to get back to the talk about the narcissist it had to be to have been at least 45 years ago i was at some sort of gathering with my brother's future in-law so all of his wife's side of the family were there and after we finished dinner and all the rest then somebody suggested we play charades and there were about a dozen of us and so it was the classic guys and the girls you know they would give the clues and then the guys would give the clues well my brother has a now brother-in-law i refer to him as my brother-in-law once removed named bob he's an attorney he's a really good guy a good sense of humor and all and uh he was the one that was uh it was his turn to go and act out his charade and you have to know back in the day there was a regional airline that had a slogan and the slogan was we really move our tails for you and as bob was reading his clue that he had to act out that was what he got and of course at first we didn't know so bob's thinking well how am i going to do this so he starts acting it out he sticks his arms out like an airplane and he goes running around the room wiggling his rear end and then he goes over and does like this now the guys we're supposed to be the ones guessing this it's like in unison we all realize let's not say a word about this let's not give him the correct answer let's just let him keep on with this and so it's like um bob give us another clue he's kind of going like this and then he zooms around the room again wiggling his rear end the women picked up on it they start giggling and we're laughing and then finally bob stops and says you know you know what the answer is just say it it's like no bob we don't know the answer and we just fell apart laughing to this day 45 years later if i ever see and i see bob fairly regularly still if i ever see him and say hey bob we really move our tails for you he'll start laughing and then anyone associated will laugh because we all remember that that's humorous that's fun and bob is a great sport and all the rest of us we just had a good time and interestingly as i was just getting to know that side of my brother's family we all felt connected we felt blended we felt joy and we still can go back to scenes like that and recall yeah that was a good time uh frankly my brother's in-laws are all known for being pranksters and fun and they're just not really decent and good people now when a narcissist is approached with the whole topic of humor they don't approach humor in the same kind of way that we did with bob and all his extended family their starting point is entirely different and that scenario that i gave you there was a sense of camaraderie there's a sense of we're all in this together and pleasantness and encouragement that is a very well established kind of uh element inside that relationship narcissists start with a deep sense of insecurity keep in mind that with behind all their veneer of control and condescension is an insecure person that wants to be the best because they're afraid there won't be and so when they go into their humor that's what's pushing them their humor becomes a compensation for their feeling of inadequacy they try to elevate themselves at someone else's expense and they have no difficulty whatsoever trying to make other people look beneath them or stupid or something like that as an example when narcissists use humor they can just give point-blank put-downs for example one a narcissist in that room might have said something to bob well you know what if anybody was going to show themselves to be a complete idiot there you have it you're the man right there and it can be not funny when something is said like that many times narcissists will give insulting compliments as part of their humor for example well you really are a highly educated person but if somebody were to follow you around all day long they wouldn't know that to save their lives now would they and it's a compliment but not really um uh often there can just be little digs and there can be something like oh there you go again you're just always one joke away from uh for making us all laugh ha ha ha just kidding uh it could be that they will give hard teasing towards other individuals something to the effect of well hello there pillsbury doughboy or there goes the wicked witch of the west um she's got a broomstick right over there uh it could be that they'll just point blank mock someone else can you believe how that person over there just looks like a clown you gotta be kidding me and it can be something that's very harsh with that or many times a narcissist humor is gonna come off as sarcasm oh i'm so impressed by you you know that kind of thing or uh well i guess we're all supposed to just bow down and just worship who you are you're the greatest aren't you and they think they're being funny but not really and i'm sure that there have been times when you've been exposed to that sometimes their humor can just be point blank humiliation they can say something like you don't have a clue do you and then if they can dress it up as a joke then somehow or another that makes it okay but actually at the at the bottom of it they don't mean it is a joke sometimes they can bring out embarrassing moments remember that time you got really drunk and you made a total fool of yourself and and you were throwing up well that may be something that you're not wanting to to have in a group discussion but it's like yeah i'm more than happy to bring stuff like that out it could be that there is just an overt insult you know they may say something like well if i believed in reincarnation you'd come back as a skunk and say something of that nature in other words uh their their humor tends to be a very thinly disguised way of saying i'm better than you aren't i you're just a low life and let's r let's have a good laugh at your expense bob was able to laugh with us and we knew that and and we knew that there was just a joy that was just waiting to come out that's not the way things happen when you're with a narcissist you know there's several random thoughts about narcissists and their humor if you tell a funny story sometimes they can actually feel like you've one of them's like oh everybody thinks you're all that huh uh well i've got a few funny stories i could tell but no everybody just thinks you're the greatest don't they and that they can't enjoy your uh your delight with you or if you kind of turn a joke back around on a narcissist and you just kind of tease them a little bit and you mean that they're very innocent they can be very thin skinned which makes you wonder well then how do you look at humor and of course that gives a very implicit uh notion that says humor is meant to be a put down and you just put me down when in fact you're not meaning it that way over time as you get to know that narcissist more and more you'll find that they really don't want to laugh with you a whole lot as time goes on maybe you show them a funny video or a cartoon and you just kind of want to get a chuckle in the in the earlier stages they might have laughed with you but after a while i don't care and again it's it implies that that your humor is not something they really like to enjoy it's something that they dole out which is a different kind of story now one of the things about humor that really bothers me greatly is you'll find that many narcissists particularly that when they lean in the malignant direction can actually take glee at violent themes uh for example it could be that uh that they just think oh this is really really great when they have these cage-fighting kinds of events or movies that that depict one group just pummeling another group oh that's great rah-rah i don't find that to be happy or gleeful in the least sometimes narcissists can come across as being witty and jocular in public but behind the scenes they don't really care they don't connect well and you you realize that their wittiness is just a ploy to make them look like they're in the favored position sometimes they'll make fun of people's misfortune or if they've had a difficulty or a problem in their own personal life they can make a joke at someone else's expense so recognize there's humor and then there's narcissistic humor and and i'm hoping that you can be the kind of person that says well yeah let's laugh and let's enjoy our shared humanity let's let's kind of strip away our egotism and our sense of hardiness and just be regular people with each other when we have good humor we wind up having healthy attachments and bonding we can have we can experience goodness and decency and we can feel connected with one another it can be a stress reliever that's what good humor is when you notice that a narcissist is unable to go into that clean and healthy use of anger it's like okay they're revealing it all over again that need to be in control that need to elevate oneself at someone else's expense that's what drives them so know what you're dealing with uh narcissists in their humor they will infect you with a caustic and belittling mindset what i'm hoping is that as you use humor you're not an infectious person but instead you fill other individuals with gladness and joy and approachability 45 years later if i see bob and if i mention that one line to him we will still laugh and we enjoy each other's company and in part because of our ability to laugh with each other i hope you can laugh i hope you can find goodness and joy in life let's just do it in a way though that builds up rather than puts down that's a concept that's lost on narcissists now i hope that videos such as this will give you something to think about and i hope it stimulates you to just be that better person and that better version of who you can be if you have not already done so i would invite you to hit the subscribe button and then there's a notification bell that goes along with that hit that too it won't ring but hit it anyway if you have a need for counseling we have a group that's uh below there's a tab there that would lead you to online counseling with licensed professional therapists uh who are experienced and there's a whole team of them and if that's something that you could avail yourself to i would encourage you to do that uh it's so helpful to have somebody that can help you sift things out in your own personal life in addition we have our webinars and our online courses free to be and then we have others in the works as well we have links to my books etc so make yourself available to that i hope you can laugh i hope you can enjoy and find the things that are pleasant in life and in doing so you wind up being somebody that knows how to connect well with people use your humor is something that brings you into another person's world in a kind way as opposed to pushing people out in a in a disdainful kind of way and when that happens you become a person that people enjoy being with and it helps you become a person that's uh truly approachable in that what relationships are all about

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 126,740

Keywords: narcissism, humor, Dr. Les Carter, gaslighting, covert narcissism, malignant narcissist, anger, conflict resolution

Id: gUKODLX1WsQ

Length: 12min 45sec (765 seconds)

Published: Mon May 10 2021