Talking with Jade-Anh | Dr. K Interviews

okay hey hi how are you I'm good and you I'm doing well so what should i what do you go by what should I call you uh Jade is fine jade estate yeah how can I call you dr. cake yeah I'll look or dr. K whatever feels more comfortable to you no it's fine well I'm never I'm so nervous yeah me too mmm what are you what what what are you nervous about um I don't know like I often talk about like house like topics that we might talk about today but I never talk with someone on stream about them does it make sense yeah sure thanks oh and one of the topics that we might talk about today Oh could be anything from mental health to anxiety to traumas to I don't I don't know like I've seen clips of yours and usually those are like the topics so I'm expecting those what do you want to talk about um what do I want to talk about well okay can you maybe talk about what you usually do in stream like how the process of it okay sure okay the process of so okay so stream usually starts I try to start on time mm-hmm like at 12 or 12:01 or 1202 and then usually the first 5 to 10 minutes involves me trying to fix a technical difficulty because I'm a Boomer and I tell you what Jade I literally do not understand this like I swear to god there's some kind of curse like I'm not that incompetent because the thing that I don't understand so I have a computer you know I have a microphone and every time I turn on the computer like the desktop is the same every time I load a video game it's not like my mouth stops working so my understanding is that if I open stream labs and it's configured and I haven't touched anything it should work the exact same way as it did the day before all right like I have this microphone and this microphone is the same [ __ ] microphone that I've been using for like two months and then today I log on and it's like staticky and I do not understand how that works so I spend the first 10 minutes trying to figure out why the [ __ ] I'm so incompetent and twitch at usually you know enjoys that and or we have some fun with it and then I give a little disclaimer I have some kind of spiel where I usually like so I'm an academic mm-hmm and so I tend to like to hear myself talk so I usually talk at my audience for about 15 to 20 minutes about what's on my mind and then we have an interview with a human being and then I ask the human being if there's some way that I can be helpful and I have a background in you know so I studied for a monk to become a monk for about seven years a monk yeah oh that's interesting yeah that's cool and then I met my wife and so things got confusing I mean I met her so so you know I met her actually three months three months in of the seven years I met my wife and then was thinking was planning on becoming a monk and so studied a lot of like yoga and meditation and spirituality and stuff and then she is a wonderful person but also wanted to be married to a doctor so I decided to go to medical school and then no way yeah kind of and so then you know I I did neuroscience research for a couple of years and then studied like basically the brain psychology and medicine for another eight years and then now I show up on stream and I talked to a human and then I try to use anything from that 15 years that I've learned to try to help them with any kind of problem that they're having okay that's cool like super interesting like everything together sounds like you should write a book maybe one day I'll make someone write a book for you I mean it's worth it yeah I get it oh yeah sure I try to write I'm trying to write like five books no that's great a biographical but yeah I'm glad you found my story interesting can you tell me about yourself mmm okay I'm Jay's I grew up in Germany Bona raised him lived for two years in Thailand but now I'm back due to Corona I wanted to be with my family and I started streaming on Twitch around two years ago okay but I really got like into the community since December before that I just did my own thing I wasn't really associated with any other streamers and what I stream is basically mainly just chatting if I have a PC like right now I try to game and yeah I just do just chatting and and when you say you you weren't really a part of the community and until December what is that how does one become a part of the community what does that mean oh I would say like not community but like associated with other streamers like before that I didn't know any other streamers I didn't extra filly any streamers and in December around that time period I got to know other streamers and that's how I slowly got into the hole and I'm stuck the lifestream fail hole yeah tell me about the livestream fail hole oh it starts usually like with one two clips that are like really funny and then people want to see more and then there's more clips out of context that are not as funny that are just really drama creating clips and then you kind of stuck there because all your clips keep being posted there you can't do anything against it really so and how does that feel I feel helpless because I contacted the mods of the reddit the subreddit but they don't care obviously cuz clips and use and abuse clips of use I mean upwards downwards like that's all the matters not how the people actually feel why do you always post it there mmm guess there's people eventually end up on my stream and it's hard to like stream and then seeing all the negativity in the other I must say from reddit specifically I got a bunch of viewers who are really nice just though they're of you individuals who make it hard for me too mmm and this is what we do by the way yeah I noticed I see you what you do it's like the things they write in chat I really heard full cuz I mean I can't blamed and they see one thing about me they don't know anything about me and then they'll direct accordingly to what I say okay so yeah and what what are they what is the slice of you or the thing that's taken out of context that they react to it's mostly and only very sexual the things I say thank you really random sexual things like I don't say random the sexual things that are taken out of yeah yes yes you say random sexual things that are taken out of context and I mean it's altogether like something sexual but they did take like one part of it I see and like which looks they're really really bad and I can't like I mean it does but yeah I can't really defend myself here what it is sorry about that no okay so and and so is theirs so it sounds like it's pretty stressful for people to you know for people to take things that you say out of context it does sound like you talk about sex or sexuality in some form on your stream mm-hmm okay and that gets taken out of context and then it's kind of stressful because you're trying to fight against a false perception of yourself right I mean I don't want to fight against the fact that I am like always horny or like somewhat perverted it's just to make it the way they make it always seem like is that I say they made me say those things um okay maybe I should throw in something I'm hyper sexual which is something that I've been since 2016 what does that mean dude Edie I had a sexual trauma like sexual violence against me and since then in order to cope with that I started to become sexual in order to normalize what happened to me back then and now it became like a unfortunately became of a trade of mine like being always sexual I'm talking to Lube do I make sense yeah you make perfect sense I'm just trying to okay although what you're saying is good I'm not sure if I follow what I say no Jayde let me just tell you another thing that I do sometimes I like I will just not say anything because I'm processing and then I may actually ask you for time to think about what I say and that is also a meme mm-hmm we're all just people like can I just think for a second okay come but but you can keep going so you were saying that you had a sexual trauma that happened when in 2016 do you mind if I ask I know generally speaking it's an impolite question to ask so you don't have to answer it but can you tell me like ballpark how it will do you are I was 16 you were 16 so you're 20 now yes okay that's very young too okay okay hmm so what is happening okay okay sorry someone is remote desktop again maybe they need to fix something that I'm not aware of but okay sorry about that so you were saying you are you were so you're hyper sexual as a result of sexual trauma mm-hmm yes and so what do you mean by what is hyper sexual mean and oh god okay so basically to simplify it it's just my thoughts and fantasies my thoughts and sexual fantasies hold me back in life like I sabotage myself because I act impulsively on my sexual needs and my thoughts are usually most of time to always on sex and well what comes with it and it's something I tried to get rid of really because sometimes I have it at the most inappropriate moments like at the funeral which is really bad it's just I can't get rid of it's like my mind is stuck and I really try because I've noticed that me being like that makes people uncomfortable and yeah I'm really working on that too okay so let me ask you have you seen a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or therapist yeah I've seen six seven with I was actually meant at the mental asylum mental asylum mental hospital the roof that is seven because it was but it was more than one specialist but I'd taken one category so seven okay and so you've seen seven while you were in the hospital or like you're talking about before now no no like six altogether and like when I was in the hospital like that time I take us number seven in there was more than one yeah and so six therapists have they been helpful have any of them been helpful one one was helpful there are they made it worse that one person was helpful I don't know like them way they put them a lot of things in my mind I didn't think about beforehand wish me worry more and more okay like but the one that helped me was the one who was to say straightforward he was like an [ __ ] he was straightforward he didn't care about my Felix and that's exactly what I needed and he said basically if you forget back then I was a I I was in the asylum because I tried to take my life not assign imma keep saying asylum mental hospital and he basically said so you don't want to be here anymore and me back then super dramatic no and he said then so how would she like the idea of you being buried and your siblings would be around your grave and that like that image made me realize that I don't want to die yeah it was tough I was there seventeen my arms were open and I was just really blank and I had only one thought which was I want I don't want to be here anymore and then after he said that I just I realized I can't do this I can't leave them behind so do you remember why you didn't want to be alive yeah yes I do it's yeah that's why I'm here like I am in general I'm always comfortable about talking anything and everything because I hope by me being open about it that someone will see it and eventually open up I had a depression since I've been 8 and I always had like this constant sadness like like this in order to how I says every time I was sad I thought it would better to hurt myself because the pain would be better than the feelings I feel and I was always the sadness wherever I would be and then bad fix it happened like in 2016 or when I was younger like all together those felt so heavy and I felt like a burden because I could see my parents always worried they always had this worry in their eyes like when they asked me somethings how are they they say how are they like how are you but in my case every time I felt like when they asked me how I am it was more like checking like am i stable am i mentally ok and I just really felt like a burden constantly so some point I felt like let's just get it over with and do you just feel like a burden not as much sometimes emotionally I feel like a burden to them but not like like me I earn my own money I am in that way I'm independent but like emotionally I do you think that I weighed them down sometimes and yeah it's I don't know it's like when parents hide from their children that they cry because I don't want them to feel worried that's how I feel like now I don't want the emotion around them anymore cause I'm afraid that they will worry again Jim I think for a second turn off my marker because someone is it's distracting so they're trying to I think fix something but let me just think the the therapist who was helpful was the one that you saw when you were in the hospital no that was the one after the hospital and why did you stop seeing them because I felt I don't want a long-term thing I want someone who helps me like for a couple of months and then I'm done like I back then I was just really edgy like oh I just want to party like what's the point of going every Wednesday there and after you said I felt like okay I don't need him anymore I don't want to die anymore so I was like okay I'm done but that was just what do you think wish me what I need yeah fundamentally there is nothing really I need it's just always like in moments like where you once like someone to cry on her shoulder like a hug like simple things like this in moments what I needed but like right now no I don't need anything maybe if I do but right now I wouldn't know what to say to be honest because there's nothing really right now my mind I need that yeah so I think that's a problem it is yes so I'm gonna just toss this out so I think what I'm hearing from you is that your perception of your needs depend on individual states of mind hmm but I I think you need something how can I say this I think you need something right now because I I don't get the sense that you're well mm-hmm right so you may be functional and you may actually be like 80 percent healthy or 90 percent healthy but it still sounds like you have a particular function of your mind which is out of your control and what what it sounds like when you try to fix something is when you perceive that something is broken does that make sense yeah and I think that's a problem because just because you don't perceive it's broken doesn't mean that it isn't broken and that it can't be worked on hold on my my mind is so let me put it this way I get the sense that what so like you deal with fires whenever they start so like your house starts burning like it catches on fire then you take a bucket of water and you're like I don't then you put out the fire right make sense but what I'm getting the sense of is that your your house maybe catches fire pretty frequently and so even though you only need water when it catches fire there may be some value to working on yourself in between the times that your house is burning so that it doesn't catch fire is often all right what do you think about that and sorry because I didn't explain it very well but I mean I don't understand somewhat but I'd never put I didn't really see you like that like at all like I didn't feel like I didn't think that I give off the presence that I am NOT okay and when I'm not okay that I fix a meal ages and then okay again this makes sense yeah so so but is that what you like you basically you try to become okay when you're not okay um that I wouldn't even say okay that's it what it but means okay like emotionally okay or together like what but do you understand under being okay yeah so let me even take a step back okay so are you happy with who you are right now and the way that your life is oh no I think I can improve okay what do you what do you wish was different about your life um above my life specifically maybe my living situation cuz I had like I again like I mentioned I left at Thailand now I'm back in Germany but I currently living at my grandparents was just awesome I love them but I want my own life kind of like that's like a one part that I would like to change here are you happy as a person um sometimes like I do have my moments like yeah I'm good okay mm-hmm I think I'm I'm rubbing up against the same thing but I just don't know exactly how to hold on sorry this is great confusing if someone's on my desktop again so ok let me just think about this for a second hmm okay let's keep talking I'm gonna try to piece this together in my mind as we talk so you say you're happy sometimes yeah but I think it's normal no like yes you bad times you good times yeah yeah so some people have a sense of overall contentment or happiness that is not an emotion here here we go okay so they're there too when I say the word happy there are two things that I'm referring to one is an emotion and an emotion is something that you experience in the present and the second is like an overall sense of like contentment with your life okay okay so my answer to this I don't think so I think so is I agree so the old state the overt state of man like yeah heavy and and and so then when I ask you and some of this could be a language barrier but when I ask you you know what do you feel like you need and when you say nothing I feel like you need something because I don't think that your overall sense of contentment is there and that something needs to be worked on or changed for you to feel overall happy and content with your life okay no I understand okay then let's go back to the question what do I need I feel like what I mostly need is a sense of progress cuz I feel like the past weeks I haven't had any progress whatsoever as a matter of fact I feel like I'm took a huge step back in life when if something happened over the past few weeks uh know it well months in that case it's actually been quite a while but again I have to go back to the thing where I lived in Thailand and I kept it my life there for two years and then something happened and like having my own life and just going back to my old life that really took a toll on me okay and yeah so need to progress in life that's but it's a little bit difficult because I actually planned on taking it step by perhaps staying away in America but now I can't obviously sound like a little bit like that's my issue it made like a goal like oh and free months are going to America and then I'm gonna do this injustice but not because of do to covet and the well the other issues that are going on right now I can't do that so I had to again do step back and now I feel like I'm stuck in my old life can you tell me about what your old life is like well living in my city which is a beautiful city my family's here I'm happy to have across with my family but I left the city my home for a reason was I because I connect with this place sadness I am sad in living in my city living and Jeremy maybe all together but maybe the the people the memories the a lot of okay I don't want to do the victim card cuz I have done things in life that are not okay but no I'm just saying what I've said now things like Oh betrayal and like pain like sounds like I always got pain but I also did things that were not okay but I mean yeah but I connect whole things I asked you what makes you sad yes but I wanted to say like the that the pain I got by living here and the amount of times I've been betrayed and lied to and like like in general it's more negative feelings that I have connected to my home than positive yeah but but I thought why did you feel the need to say I don't want to play the victim card because it's like right now the way I talk it sounds like I'm really like I'm being a victim but I don't want to be a victim I don't want to make it sound like that it's just I can't say it any differently because that's how I feel so why do you feel like this is being made why do you think you sound like a victim okay I guess all I do right now is like complain and complain and only like if I've only talked about negative things right now I don't know you mean right now is in over the course of this conversation yeah it makes you feel like really like Oh pity me like and I want to do you think I'm hitting you know like that's how I feel about myself and hear myself talk I agree that's yeah so so let's just look at that for a second yeah so you have a perception hold on sorry there's I'm trying to give birth to a thought and I'm trying to make it so I want you to notice that when you start to talk about your pain there is a part of your mind that invalidates or D values your experience hmm do you see that yeah I do I feel like that's significant but I'm not quite sure how or why do you have any idea how that could be significant no okay maybe you need another fought baby I do need another thought baby would it be okay if you are you a victim no I don't see myself as a victim what do you see yourself as I wouldn't I don't know if I can label myself to be honest well you see yourself as something because it's not a victim no not even I just know I'm not an another victim I don't know exactly well light I don't know exactly what I am but to that question I'm no I'm not so so so okay no no no no it's it's great no so Jade I think I get it right so let me put it this way your sense of identity is built on the idea that you are not a victim that's what your identity is yeah right so like that seems weird to me in some way I'm not quite sure why I'm not saying you're ill or anything so let me let me let me say a couple you want to say you look like everyone sees no it's just maybe I have this mind like saying that I'm not a victims because when I look at other people's when they talk the way I talk about what I just mentioned and everything people always label them as victims or like survivors and so I just when I don't know that that's how it's like online like first time they meet you movement and they're people call them survivors and victims and so on and that's why I said like I am NOT that after mentioning everything I mentioned what's wrong with being that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that it's just that's not how I see myself so what's wrong with you seeing yourself that way dad I don't know it's just it doesn't sit with me right what doesn't sit with you so if I were to say you Jade I think you are a victim so it sounds weak to me not that being a victim is weakness it's just again no no no no no it is hold on let's be clear about what you're saying okay how do you feel right now you feel okay I've been cornered I see that I'm sorry by you and a son that's one good the son is alive I've recruited the Sun to shine in your face okay so so I I get that you feel cornered so let's just talk about that for a second yes what are we doing that's making you feel cornered mmm maybe it's because for Safari Kevin comes not that I want to conclusions just usually you talk about something then you come to in conclusion but we keep jumping and jumping and I feel like overwhelmed the range of topics we've been already talking about so I apologize for that no it's that's that's not it's not a bad thing it's like it came from me as well like I jumped all so so sure but can I apologize for it no I don't think that it's just of course yes of course you can apologize okay do you forgive me yeah we do thank you so I'll try to jump around a little bit less and I wonder if you're feeling cornered because I'm looking at something that you makes you uncomfortable like all this talk I've gotten the sense that you felt cornered since we started talking about your identity as a victim or not a victim yes because I never thought about that topic like the other things we talked about came up to my mind but that's specifically I'm I'm prepared you could say so I really wanted to yeah so let's talk about that for a second so I think usually the way in which I try to help people is by not talking about what they understand but talking about what they don't understand and I do think that it makes sense to me like for example I haven't asked you a whole lot about your sexual perversions and stuff like that because I think you get that stuff and it's the cool thing is that your that looks really uncomfortable this one is almost good so so in a sense Jade because you have thought about that and talked about all that stuff you're able to actually explain it to me very like succinctly and then like I feel comfortable moving on because like you actually understand all that stuff yes and and I I do think that what we're running up against is okay so while we wait for the Sun I'm gonna compose my thoughts okay okay okay give me just give me a minute okay I'm ready so either this is gonna make sense it's not gonna make any sense at all then we have to go back to the drawing board okay okay okay so something happened to you when you were 16 right yes and then you say that you're not a victim right yeah okay so like so when I asked you like who are you you're like I don't know but I'm not a victim so I think your sense of identity is built around the fact that you are not a victim like that's who you are it's like it's it's a sense of identity that's built around negative space it's not like I am this it's what I am is not this and then when I ask you like okay what's wrong with being a victim and then you say well like being a victim is weak and then you do something very simple like very tricky and then you say other victims aren't weak but I'm if I'm a victim you don't blame other people for like being victims if they're sexually assaulted but you don't get to blame yourself if you were sexually assaulted you see how you do that because you don't think other people are weak but you think yourself is weak if you are a victim yeah right and then what happens is like there's something weird because if you were sexually assaulted and Europe if there's a victim there's a perpetrator right there's a criminal and for that relationship to exist if someone is a victim it's not their fault it's the other person's fault right and so then the question becomes if you're not a victim then whose fault is it I may be but on who is responsible for what happened to you when you were 16 I think both parties me and the person did it to me okay how do you feel like you're responsible there there were rules like that I didn't like them there were rules you shouldn't be out that long and I went out longer than that order longer than the curfew and I drank so I was drunk and I broke the rules that's how I got into your situation so that's why I feel like I definitely am to blame here okay as well can I think about that for a second yeah actually first let me take a step back what did you think about what I shared earlier about like what happened to you and like sort of the identity of being a non victim and it may be sound like a hypocrite kind of like the way yeah they Kathy got it I definitely see how what i hiccup hypocrite I am being well so I so I'd be careful so I wouldn't use the word hypocrite but I understand what you mean so this is what I would say I think you hold yourself to a different standard than you hold other people what do you think about right sure is that what you mean by hypocrite like you judge yourself differently from the way that you judge other people I mean yeah but I mean that's true I do a lot myself different than other people that's true I have a different opinion they say it's someone who has the same experience as I do I would still judge differently denied judge myself yeah and so the reason I wouldn't quite call it a hypocrite is because I think a hypocrite tends to judge themselves unfairly in like a positive way mm-hmm whereas I think you actually are the office of America which is that sure you have a double standard but you're harder on yourself than you are on other people hmm what do you think about that I never really noticed till now I mean what would you say though so let's think about it now I mean yeah just judging by the example that we just have with me saying I'm weak and daughters aren't it does sound like I'm harder myself I'm like I'm my biggest critic but I like to be that I like to be my biggest critic my biggest hater so others can't be doesn't make sense yeah there we go there it is okay what it sounded like they came and fought to some like everything up like there it is like oh I'm sorry didn't I felt like that was a very significant statement what okay I I really am not sure about anything I say right now okay that's okay maybe I'm relying too much on your thoughts right now - in order to understand mine that's just maybe that's my thing I think that's probably true yeah okay that's also a good observation how are you feeling right now Jade I can imagine you're feeling quite uncomfortable no not uncomfortable it's of course as we talked about things I've never really considered or came up to my mind like it's it's it's new that's all yeah good yeah so it's foreign okay so what did you say you say you like to blame yourself more than what why are you so harsh on yourself oh okay this is a stupid but do you know the movie pitch perfect no there's this girl called fat Amy and she just calls her name she calls us her fat Amy so other people's can call her fat and after watch a movie something in my mind was like that makes sense so I became like that as well I think I judge myself harder I'm in general like always see like the negative things first and then perhaps a positive mm-hmm say yeah so so I think you said something in it I think you said it beautifully that you you liked to you know put yourself down or blame yourself so that other people can't hurt you more than you can hurt yourself yes what do you think about that that's toxic and yeah and also it is not stupid okay so I know I agree with you that it's toxic but there's something very very adaptive so here's here are the two scenarios okay so here I I think it's very important for you to do that for yourself right now and I and let me explain to you why okay so I'm gonna need a second to collect my thoughts again so I'm gonna lay out two scenarios for you okay there's one world in which you don't know if you're a good person or a bad person and maybe people will treat you with love and maybe people will treat you with hate and that's a scary world that go to live in because you don't know what's gonna happen when you step outside your door you could get hugged and you could get punched and that's [ __ ] terrifying there's another world in which I wake up every morning and I punch myself in the face and I survive that and then I know that when I step outside no one out there can hurt me in a way that I won't be able to survive because I've already hit myself and I can survive so nothing that the world can send me is gonna knock me down hmm because I've already done it to myself which world do you think is safer the second absolutely why because there's nothing unexpected I already know absolutely so the thing is Jade what you need is courage hmm you need courage to entertain the possibility that you could live in the first world right because it's scary because you don't know how people are gonna treat you and so if you beat yourself up and you know you can survive that then you have nothing to fear from the rest of the world does that make sense it's like fear becomes a non-issue because you're already doing the worst to yourself that can possibly be done and so it's like no big deal no big deal you have nothing to worry about you can go out you can be happy some days you can be sad some days but as long as you're beating the [ __ ] out of yourself every day you can enjoy a wonderful sandwich or be disappointed but as long as you're beating the crap out of yourself people can hate you on Twitch people can love you on Twitch you can deal with their criticism because at the end of the day nothing they can do is worse than what you do to yourself and if you can survive what you do to yourself you can survive what they're gonna do to you mmm what do you think about that Oh sounds like I really have to step out of my comfort zone okay so so be careful Jade so you took one step ahead you said what you need to do about it I'm not asking what you need to do about it no you wouldn't think that's what that I need to do that sort of think about it that yeah I know I know that you think of mine that this state is safe but not good necessarily what what do you mean do you think that the why not both are really optimal but say like this but maybe I should that say it like gonna fun ways switch it up a little bit sure so I think that that makes sense but I don't even want you to talk about what you should do okay so I'm asking so I presented to you a possibility of what could be true about your life in the way that you look at yourself before we figure out whether how to fix it what I'd first like to understand because sometimes I'm wrong about this [ __ ] so like does that resonate with you like we can talk about how to fix it later but is that right or like off-base sir I mean and I don't really say it's right or wrong it's just it's good to know doesn't make sense like do you think it applies happen mind um I'm the first scenario where you're like they doesn't agree I hit myself every morning and I go out and there'd everyone sure the other one I'm not kind of present sure what's the other one punching the punching and the hugging okay yeah so I don't think you do that the first one I think you do the second one yes I think the second one describes how you view yourself and why yeah like it's like it goes back like you you're incredibly invalidating towards yourself yeah no it's just the courage part got me that I need to just be more courageous adjust like elite courageous like in general like that's stuck with me for at the whole topic we just had the what courage you just threw out that okay so that bothers me a little bit so I'm gonna run something by Jade I'm really gonna need your help and I'm sorry because this is super weird hypothetical abstract stuff so okay so try to run with me let me see if I see if you can follow me and if you can't I apologize because it's it's gonna be hard to explain I'm wondering if you latched on to the only part that is where you're lacking like so I basically said there's one thing that is wrong with Jade and that's she needs more courage and that's the one thing that you ran towards does that make sense yes are you just piggybacking on the idea that I picked the one flaw and you're saying yes I can get behind the flaw because Jade needs to be better do you see that am i no I see that I see that absolutely right it's weird right because you're like you're kind of piling on to like oh yeah like oh sure there's something wrong with me absolutely I can get behind that that's what I'm hearing from you in a weird way yeah so I don't think that that's actually helpful because that's you that's you that's you hitting yourself again because you're saying oh I'm not courageous enough yeah I'm weak sometimes I see did are you familiar with like games and like skill trees where you have like abilities and yes yeah and I just saw right now that I leveled up of you skill trees and the courage one I didn't it level up enough so maybe I went the I tried to level up that one as quick as possible even though I there might be out of school trees I need to level up first that's how I just thought maybe right now like oh dad my dad needs level up yeah so so my point is that your mind is going to look at whichever skill tree you're the worst at in falling into the trap of like me not being so the other way we can think about it is I need courage I'm gonna translate that as I'm not good enough does that make sense and so like I think the core part of your identity is the belief that you're not good enough that other people deserve to be victims but you don't that other people can afford to take a day off if they've been sexually assaulted at the age of sixteen but if you do that you're weak hmm so I think you're very quick to pile on to any deficiency which I point out to you but I want to be really careful because I don't want you to I don't want to let you get away with that and that's also why I don't care about what you want to do to fix it because you're always looking about I don't think you need to fix anything what do you think about that I mean in general I don't think I need necessarily fixing either it's more like I'm up improvement that I want like I don't know I feel like I can improve myself what do you think that's wrong with yourself anything mmm yeah there are a few things but of course you can so this fro randomly out what I can improve or sure procrastinating procrastinating yeah that's okay so I was asking like are you sure I can throw it like anything no no I'm glad because I'm glad you threw that out because I was trying to get a sense of that whether that's I think that that's I agree with you that all that stuff you can improve I don't think that that's what we're talking about what are you mean like emotional improvement uh sure I let me just think can I think for a second yes do you have questions for me I mean I always every time you ask me something I want to ask it back but I don't know if it's like yeah yeah not right now but like in the future I ask okay I'm glad I'm good because I wasn't sure if I will touch like you emotional boundaries or I don't know ask away like I don't know good in the future you touch my emotional boundaries meaning if you want to ask me like personal questions about myself well when you ask if it personal sometimes I feel like what do you feel about like how do you feel about it or do you can you did you ever experience if like that that's like why don't when I ask back but then I remember that I don't know like ask go for it's it's a different go for home hmm I'm trying to figure out whether this is helping you or not what do you think this our talk yeah um okay helping is a big word I think is a big word it's me somewhat clarification about like things I didn't know I needed to focus on like it's interesting to talk about things that never came up to my mind so it's just very educational all of this but yeah yeah how do you don't like the ideation you're okay you're completely fine focusing on something but you're really not okay fixing something are you uh fixing and I I mean I didn't come here to fix something good maybe that's why maybe that's why I'm not focus on that right now do you think do you think it's okay to need to be fixed yeah it's okay I don't know necessarily like all together is okay to fix absolutely but do you think you're allowed to be broken yes good I guess I was afraid for a moment that like you were moving away for like it was like the same thing where you won't let yourself be a victim no I think it's okay okay good that makes me think that you aren't broken hmm really Wow so I think the capacity to accept that you could be broken and that it's okay to be broken is a sign that you're not broken that's that's actually interesting what's interesting about that that that's when you're broken and you realize you're broken that technically doesn't mean you that broken yep that is good to know really really free so what I don't know why it's it's a good feeling yeah of course I was are your words someone else might say something completely different but like hearing it from someone else's yeah cool I think we call that acceptance yeah so when I think about someone who's like narcissistic you can sue poor egotistical like they're broken on the inside but they don't let themselves be broken they're like no I'm fine everything's okay I'm the best even though they don't feel that way and then once they start to acknowledge oh maybe I am a little bit broken and it's okay to be broken they can forgive themselves for not being perfect you know they can they can blame themselves a little bit less for being weak and therein lies their strength my brain is taking so much information right now I'm sorry I just had like a short AFK moment just thinking yeah I take afk I I the only difference between me and you is I tell you I'm going FK yeah I should do that too like by the way I'm afk yeah let me know when you need to go afk okay alright yeah this how do you feel right now like I feel like I want to know a little bit how you feel right now at a moment like talking to me do you like are you feeling neutral or is there like some kind of emotion you face I'm glad you asked because I was just about to share my feelings good so I was just saying that I feel like the conversation is like we're circling around something and we keep on like touching and moving away from it like we can't just get our hands on it that's how I feel okay what do you think yeah that's what I said pretty much early new conversation that we jump and jump and don't come to conclusion so yeah yeah come a sating I'm trying to I'm trying to grab it but I don't know how to grab it I grabbed what exactly like yeah so that's the problem is I don't know what it is until we grab inside but really I tend to share with you what I've what I've understood so like let me let me try to summarize and then you let me know like what you think is a worthwhile thing to further explore and maybe we can talk more about what hypersexuality is or how that works or you know some other simple topic that you're well-versed in so so Jade I I do think that there's something toxic about the way that you look at yourself and I think that that toxicity is protective and it kind of goes back to this thing that like I I do think that at the end of the day where there are things that you did to put yourself in a bad situation yes sure where did you do things that are stupid sure but I don't think that getting sexually assaulted is really your fault mm-hmm and this is something I'll just be blunt I don't know if your therapists have told you this before but usually victims of sexual self sexual-assault blame themselves like that's really common like victims of abuse blame themselves like I've worked with you know victims of domestic violence who will say like yeah he hit me because I didn't like like the food that I served him was burnt it was my fault right and it's like if you really try to argue with them about that like they're not gonna understand but it's [ __ ] weird right they're like I did this therefore he did this I am and I think what it comes down to is control because if it's their fault then they're still in control and that can feel good but if you are a victim you let go of control in your life and you acknowledge that there are people out there that can do things to you that are not your fault and that's actually terrifying yeah because most people would rather live in a world where like if bad things happen to them it's my fault because that's like way more easier to live with it's really hard to live with the idea that I'm walking down the street and I get hit by a meteor like that's [ __ ] a scary world live in so it bothers me a little bit that you have difficulty viewing yourself as a victim and that also if you view yourself as a victim you view yourself as weak like I don't think that that's healthy I don't think that that's fair I think you should allow be allowed to be a victim and I don't think that being a victim makes you weak and the crazy thing and now we get to like what I really don't like about what you're doing to yourself is this double standard which is you say that it's okay for other people to be victims and it's okay for them to be weak but it's not okay for me to be a victim it's not okay for me to be weak I just don't think that that's fair to you well it isn't I guess FK just bring it out they're good yeah not once did I feel that I actually have a double standard like at all this is completing used to me so I'm a little bit overwhelmed with that Fahd yeah well you can let me know when you're back at the keyboard yeah I'm here I'm trying I'm trying you could take more time KPD sure it's more like I think you should keep the coalition maybe a little bit flowing ok sure how I'd sure so then let me ask you this are you kind to yourself before I answer what kind like kind by treating myself nice way going shopping or kind like to me as a person trying to use a person kind to myself no I mean the thing is I'm saying no because I'm not not that I do the opposite I just don't know if I ever try to yep it's like it's cool it's like I know I'm sorry I I don't mean to I like it I like it thank you so so I sometimes I say that's because you know our conversation is super ambiguous so I say that's the right answer because it makes it less ambiguous but I I do think that that's important to think about right is I don't think you really know how to do that no and and I think this doesn't even have to do the sexual trauma I think this started at 8 apparently hmm what do you think about that no I did it before that I mean I don't remember for that I wasn't really sad do you remember is so okay now I'm gonna try to teach you something so I'm gonna ask you a question and I suspect that you may have an answer but that there's gonna be a part of your mind that says that that is the wrong answer and therefore you're not gonna want to share it mm-hmm okay so prepare yourself did something happen to you when you were eight or before you were eight that you remember that made you feel sad yeah at seven I think No seven no yes okay was seven and I was at a verge of turning eight and it happened like the first unkind interaction with humans basically like before that I didn't ever have any negative interaction with anyone and that one really got me like badly what happened uh I I got beaten up by a bunch of guys like I mean they were like a little bit older than me Manoj differ children but that was like the first and tough one like I don't know like it usually starts like maybe people who calling you names I didn't even start like I would like straight on like beating up and I just remember like that not only dad not only day unkindness like it was a not public area people would pass that's like where I first realized that humans are really really awful and it took quite some time till someone actually stopped them from kicking me and beating me and I don't know like that really had a toll on me like changed completely after that what did you learn I learned not to trust I learned not to keep my waltz down ever always up I learned that you can only count on yourself because if you count on others it might never happen or happens too late um so now let me ask you something Jade the person who believed who counts only on themselves if that person gets sexually assaulted whose fault is it well that scenario that person how do you feel yeah hey I do so now I'm gonna ask you a question when you say you're partly to blame and they're partly to blame do you really believe that or do you believe that you're all to blame okay go ahead I I think I feel that both not but I mean I'll in my scenario I still think I have some Fault in it in your scenario do you think you have some fault most of the faults are all not oh there's to be feel like you have all the fault and use the same time that you have some of the fault there's a difference between thinking and feel I I think I do I do like again like I mentioned I there were rules and I broke them and I deal with the consequences in the worst possible way that bores possibly there's worse but yeah i yeah i did that and i would like to say no thank you it's enough yeah good yeah it's good that you're honest have yourself right yeah so I think it's tricky because a part of what we're doing here is so I think you're doing really good Jade thanks you doing really well as well thank you because I think it's hard to say things that we feel to be true even when we know it doesn't make any sense hmm and and everything that I hear from you makes me feel or think let me think about that yeah makes me think that you feel like yeah you feel like everything is your fault like you feel in a sense control and you feel responsible and I think it's scary to live in your life where human beings cannot be trusted hmm and can't be counted on and so in a sense it doesn't surprise me at all that your mind thinks about sexual [ __ ] all the time with people because like that's such a safe way to think safe in what way cuz like sex is just sex there's no need for trust there's no need for connection you know it's like like you don't have to in the basement of your mind there's all of this [ __ ] and you never have to go down there if you're thinking about sex and I really wanted to say something more graphic but then I thought that that could be true so I didn't say that I feel you right but like you see when like I don't I don't think you're hyper sexual thinking is gonna go away unless you have other ways of thinking about people all right and as long as you in like you can't think about people without grappling with these ideas that like you are fundamentally alone in this world like you love your parents and I know what you know what love means and it's clear to me that those connections are important to you but I do believe that there is a parse part of you there's a seven-year-old girl in there is still alive and well and feels fundamentally alone Oh are we jump you to conclusion or is this just like statements I don't know what do you think it is I mean it there's a lot of to me it sounds like facts it probably is faxed no hypotheses maybe I did okay better um I didn't know two words in English yeah yeah no it's not you gotta remember I don't know I met you like an hour ago so yes I don't know what I'm talking about Yeah right no I mean I see truth the things you say not all of it I don't like they're a few parts where I'm feel like I don't know if that's really good um but I do see yeah yeah you want me to tell you or sure if you want to but let me let me be clear I don't tell you truth you tell us truth right you're the one who determines what's right and what's wrong my job is to generate for you hypotheses which then you tell us what's right and what's wrong yeah tell Ric as a guide I don't see you as a savior but yeah it's you guided well so far okay there's things you said that will stick with me for quite some time which is good we have time we have quarantine I have a lot of time to work on those yeah oh and general talked about them but yeah sous-vide honest my mind I wouldn't say it's blank it's just right now there's too much you think about I wouldn't I don't really know what to say now to you yeah good okay so you know maybe this is bad but you know the session doesn't have to have a climax okay all right we can just sort of can I can I make sexual jokes or is that inappropriate go ahead that's my whole my whole life's just you know Jade we can just go limp and that's good yeah they got me off guard even though I asked for it yeah yeah yeah um that's usually how I roll what what is on your agenda a pod for me today like am I like the only thing you're gonna stream today or say like something coming afterwards yeah so I actually spend most of my day doing doctoring so I I saw three patients in the morning before stream mm-hmm and then this is all I do like I can't do this for more than two hours because I find it mentally exhausting like it's good but I feel spent at the end you know I I think kind of like yourself like you know I get the sense you have a lot in your head and I have lot in my head too so I can't do anything else I mean sometimes we'll do things afterward but I basically do the interview I scream for about two hours and then and then I've got a little bit of a break so I usually after I scream I try to walk around for a little bit or I'll Drive or and I'll just like sort of sit and not do anything and just let my thoughts do whatever they want to do and then I think today I have two meetings afterward I have a meeting with the healthy gamer team about we launched our coaching program yesterday and so exciting yeah so we're just gonna check in and see how that's going and then I have another meeting about research because we're trying to study this and we're collaborating we're in the process of talking with a couple of universities about collaborating to study what we do and see if it like you know get real researchers in here because I'm not a real researcher so we do some research on our programs to like sort of because I'm a scientist sort of but I'm not really a super competent researcher I tend to be a better clinician so I'm better at talking to people than looking at statistics and so we have a research meeting because I really want to know I want to collect data and make sure that what we're trying to do for the community is actually helping them that's great yeah so I've got two meetings and then at 5:00 p.m. either I'll play with my kids or I'll play video games for about half an hour to an hour yes yes and then from 6 p.m. on word its family time so you're like all together your mind never really stops apart from when you take a walk and maybe play games like apart from those you're like always like when you play a few kids you put or are you like blank when you play a few kids no I I'd say is where I usually get about half an hour of and sometimes tired at 8:00 and stuff but yeah good okay because right now you just taught me so many things they can feel like when do you rest but it's good that you meditate also you're very good at caring for other people oh thanks um yeah right I got you how long have you been talking I've lost like it's been all dynamic in our yeah how it feels in eternity not good at I like the topics were heavy yep um but welcome none of them make me fundamentally uncomfortable so just a Froude out there we'll try better next time no all good I mean I think so far for session yeah yeah I'm glad you feel that way I too feel like it's been heavy like we've been so I called this work yes it's like work it's like exhausting yeah take a smell a mental brainpower but how did you even start like with twitch like was it something you felt like because of gaming you're like hey I could do that as well or did someone recommend you know so what happened was like I was working with gamers like so I've been working with gamers for about five or six years and I realized that like I'm having the same conversations with people like over and over and over again then maybe there are like 35 or 40 things that I talk about with gamers and so I wonder and like what happened is I started to get like more popular I started getting more requests for help than I can manage mm-hmm and so then I had this crazy idea and I was like I wonder if someone because since I'm having the same 35 or 40 like core issues with gamers that we work on I wonder if someone if I worked with someone and people could watch it could they benefit from it hmm and that's why we started streaming that's great that's really nice of you I think everyone appreciates your content cuz I keep to hearing from people on my desk or that they watch you and it actually helps hearing and like relating to the issues each streamer has or even you have so yeah that's great yeah thank you it's nice to be appreciated I feel very supported by like us I don't know how yes like our people yeah so I feel like I'm not doing it alone anymore which for what for many years I felt like I was doing it alone instead it bother you not really it I just felt like it was insufficient because what would happen is I get you know calls from like Singapore and Iran and you know Palestine and like yeah like Thailand and you're like lots of places in Europe obviously lots of places in the US and Canada and people would ask me for help and I was like I just can't do that because I would also you know I also have like a job where I have to make money and support my family and stuff like that so I was working on that stuff and then I was pretty academically involved at the institution that I trained and things like that so you know I had like all these like like I sort of felt like I had my real life which is like job and family and also professional ambitions I was pretty ambitious and worked pretty hard and you know so it was like having a career and then like the gaming stuff was sort of on the side it was something that I felt you know like I wanted to help these people because I had suffered in the same way you suffered yeah oh yeah so you know so I started playing video games when I was a kid and then basically failed out of college or almost failed out of college after two years I don't know if you know what a GPA is but like from zero to four like for being all A's and zero being all laughs I had less than a 2.0 which means I had less than a C average so I basically you know got C's D's and F's it took me five years to graduate because I failed a bunch of classes and so it was really struggling and that's the reason I sort of started going towards the monk thing because I was failing out of school and I went to India and I stayed there for a few months at an ashram or a monastery and I discovered yoga and it was amazing and I loved it and I decided I was gonna become a monk and I didn't care about school and school was beneath me and all those people who want jobs and careers and families like I'm gonna be better than them I'm gonna be deeply spiritual and I'm going to rise above all these material things and pursue this higher goal which made me better than all the people who lived life better than I did because I sucked at life and they were good at life and I needed some way to feel better than them hmm so that's why I wanted to become a monk so bad so fundamentally became a monk for the wrong reasons yes I didn't actually become a monk but yeah I was trained because right your wife and children yes it's not really a monk lifestyle no that's really interested any others video games right you can't own anything that's all I know like yeah well too bad you have like everything yeah it's yeah sex to be you know oh yeah that's interesting really really interesting I could listen to your story actually [ __ ] what so till you don't have anything to say anymore because it's really how does it feel to ask me questions I mean I like it I like to get to know at the other side it's like an exchange I gave you a lot of my information I might as well take a view of yours yep oh that's good let me can I ask you just you know one question about that wouldn't be okay so I understand it in exchange and I'm with that a hundred percent mm-hmm would you feel okay if I helped you and you didn't give me anything in return yes okay good I'm happy to it's just no right now I guess iteration I'd like to get to know more about uterus so we've got so I've got about 15 minutes right and so one thing is sometimes I teach people to meditate and if you're interested I can teach you how to meditate or if you prefer you can ask questions and I love to talk about myself cuz I'm I used to do a lot of she gone okay good Nick she going sorry good fits yeah I might get back to that I just stopped doing it since I came back to Germany but now hearing that again makes me really want to go back see dad yeah don't you feel like the chi-gong helped you um I think the reason that stopped me was my Shifu for it not helping me I think if it's just me and my thoughts and let's say well that I had a Shifu amah Master Shifu and I think sometimes his words he said well we would do the chi gong stop me from relaxing cuz he would see it say things that didn't sit well with me so I wasn't really in my space it wasn't peace but now that I'm alone I want to try that again what would he say that wouldn't sit well he would say things like this is sip example like you should stop listening to music you should take the world and realize what's going around you and I was like but I like being in my music space I mean I understand what he means but the demo was like hmm I don't want to hear that no oh oh dude I mean I kind of want to know what do you mean oh here's the problem with Shi Fu's okay yes and gurus is so like every now and then there's like an enlightened master and they really understand something and then they teach their disciples and then the problem is that their disciples because the master knows what the disciple needs they tailor their teachings to a particular disciple the problem is that once the disciple grows up and then sort of becomes a master may not be a truly enlightened master but in the tradition he like gets promoted and then he starts teaching the problem is that the teachings that he offers other people are the teachings that his master gave him which he believes are the true teachings because they worked for him but they're not true they just worked for him and then they try to tell people to like not listen to music yeah that's so that was his path but it's not your path hmm and and that's I see this a lot so I have strong feelings about it because I think that you know a good teacher doesn't teaches you in the way that you need to here not in the way that they were taught mm-hmm yeah I agree that's like so I thought she would but stop me from fully submitting good yeah thank God yes I am to me as I was a little bit biased because he's like the he did the choreographs for eight months movies and was like oh my god that's so awesome I want to be with him I wouldn't be close to him so it could be close to that pop culture yes I was a little bit of a groupie to be honest yeah so that's also you know the wrong reason and if you're not careful there's a lot of sexual misconduct and those kinds of relationships - uh-huh I don't think about that ya know I mean it's I know a lot of people don't but it's like it's a big problem all right yeah okay huh yeah well the more you know but it's you can't see so you said we have like 10 minutes left do you need to use that do you need to say something or no no we can also go a little bit over if you want to I don't mean to like just you know that's what I was kind of thinking about doing but if you have questions I'm happy to answer no no I just I'm just just in case I wanted to check if there's something that someone you mind that you really want to throw it now so no it's very good no main things so it sounds like you have a meditative practice so I think that that's great you want to just tell people what Qigong is do because people might not now oh I don't really know myself to be honest sounds really oh right now sure like I actually have to sit on the floor and like that's not it's like a really personal space I don't think I could I mean I could try to do it on streem some one day know if it's like very no don't don't share it if it's a personal practice okay sorry but you can google Qigong you can listen tell us about it okay it's again it's basically a type of meditation which is connected to might not be connected to again my Shifu set those swings but I actually never researched them so if I say something please say stop that's not true so basically he did Wing Chun and he connected Qigong tubing Chun Wing Chun is a martial art right yes and we would do it every time before we would start class we would do that to free our minds and we do it afterwards for free our minds especially it just to be one of yourself and to be one with the one next to you because it was like a group and it's just about like being usually with do it outdoors and it's like about being connected to nature and just let you mind flow it which is a little bit hard when you're Shifu keeps talking so I suggest just to listen to music or no music at all just the nature sounds and yeah so my understanding of Qi Gong is that like so there are two practices that are rooted in Indian and Chinese culture so I I tend to focus on Tai Chi or Tai Chi yeah and and so Tai Chi is like kind of equivalent to what is what common people think of as yoga right which is Foster's so there's a physical practice which is a mind-body practice which in according to scientific studies outperforms exercise in terms of it's like healing capability and its effect on depression and anxiety and stuff like that so yoga and Tai Chi are sort of equivalent and then yoga and Tai Chi or or young have paired practices that are usually focused around the breath which are brown I am and Qi Gong so Branagh and Qi both mean the same thing they mean life energy so what their their practices that are actually aimed at cultivating strengthening in facilitating the flow of your life energy or Qi yeah so yoga and Tai Chi are like more physical practices Qi Gong is a more energetic practice so I think about it almost like in the realm of energy healing and then our brawn I am and then meditation is actually even different beyond that but that's that's how I sort of conceptualize it what is meditation like you said it's beyond that like what so the first thing is that meditation gets translated with two words that are into English and one is a verb and one is a state of mind so that oftentimes confuses people so meditation is something the state of mind a meditation is something that happens to you it's not something that you do you can't meditate so Dionne is a state of mind that happens to a person when they are in a particular like circumstance so you can cultivate it and then da da na is a focusing practice that's a verb so when I say I sit down and I meditate on let's say you know like a candle that's a verb I can sit and I can stare at a candle for like 20 minutes and then if I'm lucky I enter a particular state of mind while I'm staring at the candle so the the realist the truest form of meditation is not even a verb it's not something that you can do it's something that happens to you it's a state it's not an action and so in Qi Gong you may enter states of mind of meditation I don't know let me think if I know what the Chinese word for that is I think they actually used this they use the Sun script or Pali I never really got into meditation I always connect a method maybe so Google was translating it as Sean's own but I don't I'm not familiar with that but I like how your voice changed as soon as you said it cuz it's a foreign awards it kind of went a little bit different that's because I used the my tone a pretty exaggerated but that's his best decision although it's been a while since you know I'm rusty my Chinese is rusty but oh you used to speak Chinese or yeah just sort of how many Legos do you speak I mean at various times of my life up to six let me think about that oh yeah but like not too well Donald's okay but still impressive so wait you're native English or yeah so I'm not bilingual and then studied Spanish through high school in college and there's actually really hilarious clip of me miss speaking Spanish oh and then I also studied Mandarin and Japanese because I was a weeb yeah and then learned Hindi which is another Indian language sort of along the way right and I say all of them poorly now what would do you speak of language or what guys who speak German or yeah to be honest I didn't really grow up bilingual because my dad who's Asian Vietnamese he grew up German so the country would help me like I'd never learned it unfortunately it's just English and German and way aboot Japanese and doesn't go beyond that we do is that is that what how it's pronounced that's how I print out like weep weeaboo it's like way past the short-form has no family is we boys we both always say weeaboo maybe I am bronze no I know we abou sounds far more cultured and far more Japanese than Weibo which sounds like Texan did y'all see those we bows down there you've got to be really careful there's a we boys in the backyard they've got their wife who's with him oh you got that excellent of course oh yeah you grew up there right I heard a little bit about your black lives matter talk before the stream that you said you grew up there and you got a lot of negative treatment due to you I love Texas though I don't want to give people the wrong impression no I mean oh with racism and there was actually I mean it's terrible but that when I was growing up there was actually a black man who was lynched in a in the town next to where I lived it was terrible and it was lynched yeah like I don't think people have understood so you know I think a lot of people talk about I mean obviously people talk about black lives matter but I don't think the common American understands how bad racism has been for how long of a time mm-hmm like there were there were literally like when I was growing up I may have been like seven or eight years old there were a group of people that took a black man and tied him behind a truck and drove until he died in that [ __ ] happening back in like the late 80s and 90s and it's cold are you I'm 37 huh oh wow I mean yeah I can make sense I mean all the experience you talked about yeah okay cuz I figured like super first law agrees I said like as I said I forget like beginning of Ferdie but that is no okay I'm just my maturity is around 30 um I'm a few years behind no it's that's fine I think I mean yeah wow that that's actually that's that's tough because in Germany let's say like this I only had like one racist experience and the rest wrote my life that was pretty good but I've never really seen actively racism in Germany like you did mm-hmm that's a I mean they I'm pretty sure we have racism in Germany 100% it's just I I haven't seen it Nick that yeah I think you know the other interesting thing is that like I think people underestimate how much racism there is in the rest of the world Asians are awful yeah like so in India like so I think America gets a bad rap for being a super racist country I think and in a sense we are but like I think the big difference between you know part some of my experiences in India and and experiences here in the u.s. is that like at least in the u.s. in the u.s. like there's a fair number of people who acknowledge that racism is a problem and sure there are plenty of people who don't think it's a big deal but in India it's just so commonplace that it's like completely accepted no one thinks that it's a problem there hmm and it's like I had so I was visiting a family member of mine back in 2006 and then she was asking me just you know about like you know what was i up to and I was living in a frat house in college at that time as I told them yeah you know I've these roommates just like all like tell me about your friends and I was like yeah you know I have a friend and he's a he's like a 7-foot tall black dude and we watch anime together and she was like shocked and she was like aren't you afraid he's gonna steal your stuff I was like no she's like oh my god he's black and she was like and like the thing is like in India like people haven't seen a black person it's just like in Asia it's like still how strong the black and white difference it's like when they see white people like oh my god yes white people when I see black people they're like looking very judgy instead it's awful I see like the gazes people of color get yeah in Asia it's even they own people like if you're an Asian person and you're like in the darker than the rest you being discriminated for that as well even though you're Asian yeah so this is kind of cool I mean and no we're talking about but so we do this with our our producer so he's this guy named Moses and Moses is going to do what wait is it the mclovin guy yes so so Moses so we're gonna do something called put together a bio-data mm-hmm what I'm confused about what anyway okay just gonna wait wait I was confused about your reaction oh and I saw a clip of yours and I'm not sure if it's him but it was someone of here who was on the stream looks like mclovin from super bed yeah hi girly so Moses what we're gonna do is this is one of our stretch goals for our fundraiser but we were gonna get Moses to go on a virtual date and then we're gonna we're gonna comment in the background and and we Moses and I were talking about I've actually done this before where you know I used to be pretty good at talking to women so like what I would do like back when I was in college is I would take my friends who are like you know text chatting on AOL Instant Messenger with girls and I would flirt with the girls for them so that they can go on a date and and so we were Moses and I were talking about you know whether I actually want to be like coaching during the day you tell them what to say or if we should just comment with twitch chat no do it do you like the excellent commentating that's that's fun commentating or telling him what to say think that both like I think the comment is also fun but I think actually telling me what to say when he's like looking lost it's kind of fun no but I mean I I think it anyway so we were just joking about that the reason I brought up Moses is because actually so what we're gonna do so the way we got to this is that in Indian culture we have like arranged marriages in the way that you find a candidate for an arranged marriage is something called a bio-data so it's like a resume but about like like it actually so bio-datas have existed long before online dating profiles and it's basically an online dating profile that people in India have been doing for thousands of years so they like create a profile for a person it used to be like physical pieces of paper that would get faxed across the world and and part of the what they would put on the bio-data is how dark or light your skin is right and so it was like they would ask you you know slurring my sister that's okay okay so please continue how old is she she is dank free this yeah oh that's so cool I happen to Emma was three year old out there then there's another one actually well how is how old is she and the older one yeah she is seven okay hi ever I have an almost three year old and an almost five-year-old weight both both boys girls girls oh my god I wouldn't exhausting now I think in my case I still could be up a ceramic exhaust of girls I want boys like that's my goal like being a mom and having like boys and maybe one girl I think cuz I have follows sister so it's that's why I say it's exhausting maybe if it's just - I don't know I think Parenthood in general is exhausting but I find that user I mean so like I took my two year old God they are the oldest is five the real trouble starts at the age of ten eleven that's what I mean yes right now they are really nice like that ace you have read that ODEs it's great so I took my to do you know wall Marta's mm-hmm okay so I like what my two-year-old was like to maybe like two in half so she needed a new pair of shoes and I don't really know anything about fashion or clothing or art or decoration or any of that stuff and I mean you can see my room and this is how I would leave but if it was my choice my lipstick yeah and so I took my two year old to Walmart one day because she needed a new pair of shoes and like we were in Texas so we went to Walmart because that's what you do when you're in Texas and then you know we like looked at a wall of shoes and then like I tried to get her I tried a couple on and she didn't like them and then I was like because she's - right so two year old it's like like stuff and so then I ended up asking I was like which one do you want again she's like I don't want to me I was like you don't want shoes and she's like no and then left empty-handed and then my wife was like what you know why don't you she needs shoes and I was like she didn't want any of them I thought it was great she's 2 years old and she already like knows what she wants and does I don't have to learn that [ __ ] she kind of takes care of ourselves it's pretty cool yeah that's what I mean like at that age they're pretty straightforward what they want in their life and what they don't that's why I said like the age of 10 turn 10 periods maybe depending on hold or like in general puberty hits definitely 11 L 11 12 I think even 10 most girls and that's a really difficult time like my oldest sister she's not 14 just one year ago she was they went for three years which was unbearable to be honest like it was tough I was even when I was really really bad at that age I was like you considered an angel before it had turned like the time and then it just went downhill but yeah yes I've heard of saying girls yeah I just meant that yours unsink yeah yeah about that I don't know if that's like scientifically true or not no but girls like to say like oh we don't sing that's why we're both in the bad mood we always say things like then yeah that's you know we'll see I'll get I'll get back to you but walk again in ten years five to six years if I need advice you can I got you I got enough to okay yeah so you're so you've got your four four sisters yeah I'm the oldest of myth me five Oh with you five yeah I'll go all girls cool the men we're not strong enough in my family I guess not yeah it's weird my my wife also so my wife has two sisters mm-hmm so it's three girls and then so far she and her sister one of her sisters has kids so so far their generation has produced three girls uh-huh so like it's her and two sisters no boys and then so far all of their kids have been girl oh thank you genetic like predisposition towards breeding tourism that's interesting cuz my my dad it's like okay of course he's a boy so it doesn't come but he's like one of the only ones and the rest are all sisters and they children are all girls except for one boy so it's like just my dad one boy and the rest all girls there may be some kind of genetics like something about the way that the egg develops or even the spirit like there may be some kind of I mean it could just be coincidence because you know across the world there gonna be millions of people who only have girls right millions of people whose girls only have girls just statistically but sometimes it makes me wonder now the more interesting thing is that both my wife and her younger sister are married to psychiatrists no way there's a there's an interesting question about whether her youngest sister will also marry a psychiatrist oh yeah that's actually whoa what I mean at this point it's a really a coincidence or it's just like a mistake in them this is a bug query unclear oh that's interesting holy crap yeah I hope I have boys I hope I break the circuit and for out some boys yeah cool well you know yeah very cool good luck with that you know I would imagine that it's gonna be a couple of years before you go down that road but I mean in my family we all have for every early children mmm and I've already said to myself if everything goes well like financially and like my me bit because I always said like I won't have children till I know I can feed myself feeds to human beings and just in case if something goes wrong help my siblings it's like I need to have that amount in order to say okay now I can have children and I hope it's like in the next 10 years yeah and yeah that'd be great well thanks cat yeah really don't ya know yeah I think I think it can be good to talk about light things and laugh after we talk about heavy things agreed yeah yeah it's like after a night of drinking just having a nice soup in the cup of tea that's how I see it yeah yeah absolutely I haven't done an item actually I had the most alcohol I've had in a long time after during one of our in one of our streams in May I feel you it streams and alcohol is just it's it's dangerous what's funny Ivan yeah yeah I definitely find us why it's dangerous because I want to do it all the time and yeah yeah it's hope so Jane this has been fun great yeah I was I think I unfortunately do have to kind of get going but yep I know if there's anything else that we can do to help you or support you I'd love I'd love to hear what you think about we've talked about today and and you know you know down the road like like think about it and see what works for you and concretely one thing I would suggest is that you really do pay attention to the way that you treat yourself mm-hmm and and really think about whether you can cut yourself a little bit of slack and whether it's okay for you to not be perfect and eventually for you to trust other human beings I try yes they don't make it easy they really don't this has been great I am pleasantly surprised because I really was the freight as I think so far we also said things right nothing could be clipped they could have been like out of context like so I think we say from that side as well maybe though we'll limp limp joke don't underestimate what twitch chat is capable of all right I think I think one of the worst things that you could possibly say is that we didn't say anything that could be clipped because now well god damn it yes careful don't tempt them sorry chats they're like temperamental John's it's like as long as I respect them they'll respect you but if you you know if you say that Zeus doesn't can't do [ __ ] to you then he's gonna strike you as a lightning bolt and teach you otherwise well can we rewind is there like no but yeah this has been fun yeah thank you for having me thank you thank you for coming and thank you for you know sharing and being honest and authentic and and funny and entertaining and all that good stuff my Beckett's you and you know good luck seriously I mean that and if there's some way we can support you down the road or if you want to come back on stream at some point let us know stay safe obviously and and we I really do hope you can start progressing again yeah that would be it would be great I just let first think and everything we talked about and then we see further yeah take care of Jake all right you too bye okay all righty guys so thank you guys very much for coming and yeah so Jane is fun yeah it's a lot of fun she's awesome and I don't know if you guys saw what I was seeing like I try to point it out to her my hope is that y'all were able to catch more of what I was trying to say then maybe I could explain which I think generally speaking twitches good at like I think you guys I don't know if you guys caught the subtlety of her self judgment the subtlety of her like how she's an island right so I think that's the tricky thing is that like she views herself as an island which is understandable because when you view yourself as an island you don't connect to other human beings it's safe and and you don't have to be hurt and yeah let me just think about what else want to say about that yeah you know I think at some point we could talk about this sort of hyper sexual thinking and try to understand that a little bit better if almost from a meditative aspect like what's going on in terms of your mind and how does it function and all that kind of good stuff Wow thanks for the you know bazillion subs Paxton Lancaster dodged easy dodged thanks man thanks for the support bro I assume you're a dude because your name is Paxton but you never know so yeah you know we can definitely explore that more and try to understand the nature of the origin of the sexual thoughts and dig into the trauma and stuff like that but my my my initial instinct is that like I told her is that I think that you know thoughts in your mind tend to serve a particular purpose even if it's not a healthy one like they're there for a reason and I wonder if just the sexual hyper sexual thinking gives her a way to think about other people where she doesn't have to think about them in another way like it frees her from like connecting and relating and like having to trust people and oddly enough I think what's incredibly traumatic about her being beat up by a bunch of like when she was seven years old it's it's subtle but it's it's not just that she was attacked by kids it's that adult stood by and did nothing and if you think about like feeling isolated and hopeless and losing faith in humanity it's being a child and having adults watch as you get hurt and and that's really devastating and I see this a lot in terms of it's it's weird I don't know how to say this but when I work with people who grew up with patients who like you know have PTSD from like abusive households oddly enough it's not the abusive parent that causes them to lose faith in humanity it's the parent who couldn't stop or didn't try to stop the abusive parent that's what really [ __ ] them in terms of like you know damaging and and to have a parent watch violet because you know that your abusive parent is sort of a bad parent but it's like the other parent who loves you and like literally will you know wipe the blood off of your forehead and put a bandage on it's that parent standing by while you get beat that can be like incredibly devastating and I mean that overall you know all that [ __ ] is sad but you know so we can we can think a little bit I really do hope that Jade starts to treat herself better and I'm sure she maybe she's gonna watch this but then I I think the the reason that that really becomes important is because you know if you it sounds like she wants to be a mom one day and I'm sure she's gonna be a fantastic mom but one of the best gifts she can give to her children is knowing how to love herself because they're going to learn they're gonna learn from the way that she treats them but they're also gonna learn from the way that she treats herself so I really hope she gets there because I think she's gonna be an awesome mom and yeah so don't forget that don't forget that you deserve or you should even if you care about other people more than yourself that don't underestimate the power of an impact of the impact that you can make by being healthy and caring about yourself because you can help so much people by just doing that you know yeah it's it's it's really amazing what how you can influence someone's life without without really realizing it and I've seen all kinds of profound impacts in my own life and in other people's lives from you know is something as simple as holding the door or helping someone you know like who's moving on the street like if you just help them take a box up it's like night and day and so and so you really do deserve to treat yourself better and and think about yourself in a healthy way and don't underestimate the impact that you'll have on other people when you start loving yourself yeah so thank you guys very much for supporting what we do here I'm all up Kanodia I'm a psychiatrist but really here I'm just here as a person and our coaching program launched yesterday and hopefully it's working well I'll find out in about an hour whether people are able to sign up and actually like get connected and all that kind of stuff because if we vote those stuff with like just a lot of brilliant people from our community with very limited resources and thank you guys for all of the support because now we have more resources and we want to do better for you guys because the system right now doesn't do enough and so you know that we can rage at the system all we want to but it's been always been my belief that you know Mahatma Gandhi sort of used these words and that's be the change that you want to see in the world and so that's what we're here to do we're here to you know tackle what we can as individuals and I guess as a group but really I just show up and I try to do the best that I can and don't underestimate the power of what you're capable of if you just show up and try to do the best that you can and no amount of shame or being a piece of [ __ ] or a fan in life will ever take away the power that you bring to the table when you show up and you do the best that you can and I think a lot of people across America are doing that right now and I think that that counts for a lot so yeah Gandhi wasn't perfect yeah I know Gandhi's flaws so I'll say one last thing about Gandhi I think that just because a person wasn't good doesn't mean that you can't learn from them and I try to look for knowledge wherever I can find it and yeah it's a pet oh I don't think he was a pet of dad I haven't heard he was incredibly racist so that pet you know but anyway oh yeah are studying DLC do we have time for that

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 425,172

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, jade-anh, jadeyanh twitch, jade-anh twitch, jadeyanh sykkuno, jadeyanh, jadey anh stream, twitch streamer, victimization, victimization mentality

Id: yUGeyJSfJu4

Length: 110min 34sec (6634 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 06 2020