Dr. K Meets the Raid Boss | Self-Esteem & Beating Yourself Up

i know that this past week has been very exciting in terms of election stuff but we are actually very excited because november 9th is a big day for us we're going to be launching a bunch of spots or opening up a bunch of spots in our coaching program so if you guys haven't been able to get into the program we hope that you all will be able to get in on november 9th coaching for those of y'all who don't know is not a medical treatment so it doesn't it's not designed to treat depression or anxiety or anything like that it's really for people who feel kind of stuck unmotivated don't know how to kind of move forward in life um maybe feel like they don't know what to do with themselves or things like that it's basically like designed for the problems of our community we're you know if you really think about medical treatment it's like anti-depression right like so like antidepressants we're not really like anti-depression we're more like pro happy so it's about building a life that's fun finding a community that you enjoy doing like helping yourself helping you learn about your behaviors and what controls your behaviors and your emotions so that you can start acting in a way that's aligned with your values and so that's that's a big part of what we do in coaching and today we actually have a stream to kind of hopefully reflect on some of those issues so we're going to be talking with someone from our community about self-esteem and confidence so we'll see where that goes okay and welcome um thanks for coming on and and what's your and what do you go by minnie minnie and what are we talking about today minnie um i was like yeah of course oh my god she's using my own techniques against me i'm just really nervous i can't think straight okay um you can think crooked no big deal yeah just in a second okay okay do you want to sorry nope for what for using my techniques against me yeah i said this day would come they said what is dr k gonna do when someone's [Laughter] yeah so what are you nervous about it's okay to be nervous oh um i don't know i've been nervous this whole week to to talk to you and like be on stream okay but um let's start with what does that mean you've been nervous all week can you tell us about that um like uh my heart wouldn't like stop beating if i thought about it and like i just my stomach hurt all the time and like oh my god sorry that sounds really oh what are you sorry for i don't uh like i don't know okay do you feel like you did something wrong do you feel like you did something wrong just now a little bit yeah it's weird right yeah yeah sometimes we feel like we do things wrong and so if i were to tell you i don't think you've done anything wrong how would you what happens in you if i say that um i think i'd have like split uh reactions like one would be like oh okay he doesn't think i did something wrong but then the other would be like well i i feel like i did something very good yeah yeah it's weird how that works right so there's a part of you that is reassured and then there's a part of you that's not reassured yeah yeah cool were you were you nervous about doing a bad job yes well you're doing an awesome job really because even when you share with us that like hey there's a part of me that would be reassured and there's a part of me that would be like i'm still doing a bad job he's just being nice yeah i'm actually messing up right and and sometimes i didn't even do anything yet right so so here's the thing so if we really look at that um minnie it's like the feeling of doing a bad job doesn't actually come from our interaction it doesn't come from anything that you do it just comes from you yeah right and you're doing a great job because this is exactly what people with is what we're here to do you're doing it even if you do a bad job that's still a good job because people come here to do a bad job and then we learn about it and so you can't you literally can't do a bad job but you can try i like your room sorry uh no it looks great thank you what do you like about it i like the chair in the back yeah it's a cool chair sorry what did we mess up again no no i um i'm just getting flustered i'm okay okay okay it's okay to get flustered it's gonna be a painful hour and a half minnie [Laughter] good luck with that can i drink some water please absolutely drink water stay hydrated we're gonna need it um so i understand that you wanted to talk some about self-esteem and and confidence yeah can you tell me what you mean by that um so hmm where'd i start so i i've kind of when i was little i didn't really struggle with like confidence issues like i thought i was really cool and i didn't worry too much about like messing up or anything um i mean i did but it wasn't to the point of like you know shaking my leg and uh having a panic attack but uh but like in i think near the end of middle school and then all the way up till now um i i've i i've been noticing that i don't really feel good about myself at all okay i kind of just hate myself okay um yeah so i guess that's what we're here to talk about cool i mean you know not cool that you do that but cool that you're here to talk about it um and i i noticed that when you say i kind of hate myself you laugh right and and what's your understanding of of what you feel when you say that and why you laugh um well i kind of laugh when i talk about my prob like problems because i feel like if i say it in a serious tone um people are gonna think that like it's too much and yeah yeah okay so i guess i just like laugh when i when i'm saying something uh regarding like my mental health sure so when you say people are gonna think it's too much what would be too much about it what's more than people can handle what makes it more than people can handle well i think when when someone talks about like if they're feeling sad or upset or anxious or something um i usually think that people won't like to hear about it so yeah because yeah because that kind of stuff like spreads what do you mean that kind of stuff spreads what does that mean like i think talking to someone with um anxiety and depression can like at first you can it can be helpful to talk to them but like you can also get trained in the process of like talking to them so i don't want to do that to other people okay so what i'm hearing you say is that sometimes you can it can feel good to talk to other people but then you can almost become addicted to burdening them yeah yeah definitely okay so i noticed that you said that's a good word yeah yeah yeah i choose my words carefully um so let's think about a couple things i i want us to pay attention to okay minnie one is people are gonna think right so so like let's see how much of what causes you suffering is people are gonna think so that's gonna be like a key phrase that we're going to look out for okay okay um second thing is you know i think that being a burden is something that we can also kind of keep an eye out for um and so let's see if we can pay attention and even if people are watching um if they can sort of like pay attention like let's see if we can learn and maybe okay but you can see it too okay so you said that um around seventh or eighth grade you started to use a strong word you said hate yourself or you said that you hate yourself what do you hate about yourself well like i kind of hate myself well i was thinking about this the other day and good for you um like exterior wise i just hate how i look but interior wise like on the inside i just feel like i'm a shitty person it when it's extreme and like i just feel like i cause people around me like sadness and i don't like that about myself you close people around you sadness burden yeah burden there it is okay so good so we caught it okay so and you say on the exterior so that's a strange it sounds to me like you're trying to avoid saying something when you say on the exterior we i assume we're talking about your physical appearance yes yes okay sorry my words sometimes like yeah i i like try to think of a word to say but then like i can't really think about it yeah um so i'm not gonna try to be harsh here but case case in point we just had a i don't know if you were watching the stream but we just had someone say that they you know they're ugly and me and no no no no not you oh they're like they were talking about themselves that's true no don't say that but if they said that about wait hold on so you say don't say that about themselves but if they had said that about you then then what would be your reaction i mean i'd agree let's say right no no so they were talking about themselves right so and and so i'm just curious whether that word feels loaded to you and you avoid using it for a particular reason which which word ugly um yeah it's a it's a loaded word yeah definitely and what's it loaded with it's like a lot of i mean when i think of the word ugly it can't ever be like good if that makes sense yep so there's that and then it can make other people really sad if you say to them [Music] then ah yeah okay so i'm gonna ask you a couple of questions okay okay so number one is ugly is like comes with permanence and hopelessness there's like no chance for change yeah wait well to i don't know i think but at the same time i think ugly is kind of subjective like okay i would agree but okay so see like what just happened there like so it's interesting right because we you kind of talked just earlier you said like ugly is like can't do anything about that but then so i want you to notice as we just start to like look at your your feelings and not we don't say you're wrong right so i i didn't say minnie don't think that about yourself you know you're beautiful we're all beautiful that's what my friends like to say yeah right and so let's think about that so so i i think if people i mean the impression that i got was that you had a little bit of a light bulb go off in your head as we started to look at ugliness it sounded like you felt pretty hopeless about it but then you were like but actually it's actually kind of subjective so i don't know if we got to the point of maybe i'm not but i got the sense you were looking at it in a way that was a little bit calmer and the interesting thing is what happens when when you feel ugly and you tell your friends when you burden them right and what do you say to them about what i about being feeling ugly or feeling like you don't like your exterior as you put i don't know like i was just talking about this with my other friend yesterday um i was telling her i felt like not confident about how i look and then she was telling me that like um that i was kind of like self-sabot sabotage sabotaging myself then i told earth that i'm sorry and i i sound really frustrating and i felt that too like that's what i told her and so let's think about that exchange right so you express a vulnerability to her she tries to help you with it tries to maybe reassure you maybe tries to give you a way forward and then how do you respond i'm sorry yeah right so let's think about that so so um so that's just that's one possibility so that's gonna be the possibility of reassurance or problem solving like if we were to tell you minnie i think that you are not ugly at all i think you're a wonderful person actually that's not even about your physical appearance i've trained myself so hard to not comment on people's physical appearance that i find it actually hard to comment yeah like so if because i think it just it just messes things up but if i were to call you pretty if i said minnie you're very pretty right what would you say how how would you react i'd probably say thank you like yeah but then on the inside i probably think no okay so there's an important lesson to be learned here right so the first thing is that like when people try to tell you that you're wrong you just dig your heels in he heals and deeper right like you're just like no incorrect yeah okay like my immediate response yep and so then then okay so we've got burden we've got sort of the the idea of like reassurance doesn't really work um so let's try to figure out if there's some way that we can help you with those feelings without telling you that you're wrong so you said kind of switching gears for a second i'm going to ask you a little bit more about your past is that okay okay sure so you said around seventh or eighth grade is when you started to be started to feel what exactly just like self-hatred but also a lot of depression like depressive phase episodes and like anxiety okay did you see and you're allowed to not answer any question you don't feel comfortable with right but um i think it would just be helpful did you see a mental health provider who during that time okay so it sounds um so like not then but starting high school uh and then up until today like i saw therapists and stuff okay and do you find that helpful yes and no good answer so what's helpful and what isn't so i've seen about six therapists now because uh half of them was because we just didn't click and then the other half was because i had to either move or like just technical things um but all of them they were really helpful in like helping me find resources like like who to call when you're not okay or like um or just like yeah stuff like that but and also they were helpful with helping me like identify a problem that makes sense but then i felt like and i've definitely made progress in like the sense that i can get up out of bed now and do work and that kind of stuff but um i think everything after realizing a problem and giving it technical solutions hasn't really worked out yet what do you mean by technical solutions like stuff that um stuff like like i still feel like [ __ ] but i can at least like sorry my brother passed by i still feel like [ __ ] but um i can at least like go about my day now okay so let me see if i understood you correctly so it sounds like um you know there have been times where they provided you with resources that have been helpful um i commend you for you know not sticking with people that you didn't feel like were a good fit i think that's really important so a lot of people think that you know if they see a therapist and they don't like it they don't like therapy but you may just not like that therapist right it's kind of like going to a restaurant and saying oh i hate all restaurants and it's like you just may not like that kind of food right um so that that's really awesome on your part i think you you know i i commend you for doing that and what i'm also hearing from you is huh yes sorry oh no you could you can um so then the next thing that i kind of heard which is you know tricky but i'm glad you're being honest about it is that like you're kind of living your life like you can get out of bed and stuff but internally you still feel like [ __ ] i think i can live my life to the extent where it doesn't pain other people to see me upset like family and friends but um yeah that's why i was i wanted to talk about self-esteem because i just feel like i'm not good enough to try like new things and and stuff okay so there's that look at you steering the conversation oh no not me shocking right now how do you feel when i point that out to you um i feel like i've been called down called out yeah i called you up that's because that's what i did yeah i feel to be called out bit embarrassed what are you embarrassed by um uh i'm not i'm not sure okay so the first thing is when i called you out is that a good calling out or a bad calling out i'm not sure okay cool actually yeah yeah so who are we here for today minnie me yes that is the correct answer how does that feel [Music] uh bit weird yes yeah that is the right answer too what feels weird about that that i'm uh having a therapy session with the dude i saw on youtube uh for the past month in front of thousands of audience again not the answer that i was expecting but a fair one what i was what i was expecting was that you know like you don't we don't i don't imagine that you do many things in your life where you come first where it's about you and it's about what you want right i'm not i'm not sure if that's true tell me about that i just i don't know like um when i was getting therapy like for the first time um i felt really selfish because my mom didn't want me to uh and my dad either i don't think they realized i was depressed but i was thinking what's going on i guess just like teenage angst or something and like i was having problems with like toxic friends and stuff so i guess they thought like we had a fight and i was feeling sad about that but i was kind of realizing that um something was wrong so i wanted to get therapy but my mom was well she didn't really like she preferred she told me that she preferred i didn't get therapy but also i like told her i wanted it so she did look for a therapist but it was taking like two months and i needed help like then so i went to like my school counselor and then told her about it and then i was kind of like you know uh taken to therapist okay and then that didn't really make my mom happy or am i done yeah so why were they upset i guess they just didn't want the school to know and they didn't want things to escalate uh which i understand because explain it to us um like i know i feel like i should have waited two months for my first appointment that my mom assigned me up for instead of going to the therapist i mean going to the school counselor the day after and then telling her that i was feeling really upset and slightly suicidal and stuff oh it's like it's just like wait sorry guys i shouldn't talk about suicide so casually but like i mean hey you do you this is your time minnie there you go are you would you be burdening people if you talked about suicide what will people think how will you affect others i know some people can get very uh triggered when suicide is talked about casually like i was kind of like that when i was feeling suicidal so let's understand that um well it was more so that when i was feeling when i was very depressed and suicidal i i would joke about it a lot but then what but then when other people did it it made me a bit upset so hypocritical of me but like yeah so it looks like you just took a quick chance to beat yourself up there i did yeah did you not does that what did i do you called yourself a hypocrite oh wait but like that was hypocritical kind of sure i i don't doubt that you have a good reason for feeling that way or believing that but i just still want to point out that you did it right because when we beat ourselves up like we don't have bad reasons it's like when i look at myself in the mirror i'm not like oh my god why don't you have gills and flippers look at how human like we pick things that make sense all right okay yeah yeah sorry it was no sorry yeah um okay so um can we actually go back to seventh and eighth grade for a second sure so uh when did this stuff so you started to feel what around that time like end of middle school so like uh i was in a lot of middle school drama [Music] with like friends during that time so not like theater no no no like uh like you know fighting with friends and uh getting backstabbed and you know stuff like that what do you mean getting backstabbed and stuff like that can you oh i don't want to get into the middle school drama um why not you don't have to but i'm just curious why not oh um i just i feel like i've i should be over it kind of yeah okay should be over it okay i just get another set yes you can hydrate as often as you want to hydrate yourself um so if someone says i should be over it are they over it no no right and so you got to be careful minnie because like i hear that also that self judgment there that like you're not over it and then we're not going to talk about it because you should be over it yeah right so it's like if i'm bleeding and it's like oh my god i shouldn't be bleeding and then i'm like do you want a bandage and you're like no no no no no i shouldn't leave you bleeding so i i don't want the basic and then like how do you feel about telling us you don't have to but you know i think it's like i think it's important that i do though and i i want to but like yeah but what but the but the self-judgment part of me is like no okay good so now we're gonna pause for a second before we get into it so minnie i want you to pay attention to what you're about to do because it's about to be awesome okay so you are judging yourself and that voice inside of you is saying you shouldn't say this right it's like how dare you you should be over it it's beating you up and then you are about to not listen to that voice so remember that there are two ways to deal with self-esteem for lack of a better term or for just one conception right or one kind of structure to think about one is that we make the self-esteem the self-hateful thoughts decrease so that we don't have them as often the second thing that we can do is not listen to them don't let them dictate our life right so there's a difference between that beast existing and that beast controlling you and so what i think is actually really cool is that if you you know do tell us the story now i feel like you can't not tell us because then oh no you really you don't you don't have to but i just want to illustrate a point but like you know because you don't want to you're like i shouldn't i should be over it like it's dumb but then you say like i want to so like there it's that same part that you talk talk to us about where there's like you know you know the the part of you that says oh thank you very much and then but i'm still a terror you know they're like it's that war between the two parts of you so you know if you share that story with us what you're doing is actually like learning how to like not listen to that part it's gonna keep speaking for a while and we'll get to that but does that make sense yeah you are acting in spite of your low self-esteem and your self-judgment which i think is a really important skill to have so what happened in middle school i i could use a dose yes you know decent 12 year old drama yes it's friday afternoon you know um yeah so [Music] sorry i'm just gonna think for okay uh okay i'll think i'll talk about the one that affected me the most um so i had i had two friends um we'll call one a and then we'll call one b um so and i started and i were really good friends in middle school um but she was um starting like seventh eighth grade she started getting very depressed for her own reasons um and i really wanted to like help her not be depressed because you know it made me sad that she was sad i think honestly in retrospect i did it more out of like me not wanting to feel sad around her rather than me wanting to help her but but so i tried to help her you know be there for her hear her when she like ranted about stuff uh but then like you know i didn't understand that she needed a therapist back then so so the summer before high school started um she tried to like attempt suicide um and it was kind of traumatic for me because for like three days i couldn't reach her like through phone or anything and uh the last thing she said was like i love you so i was like the [ __ ] going on and then i even went to her house and then only after three days like she finally texted me saying that she was at the hospital and i couldn't really go see her because like both our parents were like both her parents and mine were like let's not like you know so uh so she did that but she was she did not you know she only attempted but she was still alive and stuff uh so there was that you know dealing with her this doesn't sound like middle school drama to me oh um this is the last middle school drama this is like actual like scary events yeah i was like i was like i'm not i'm a little bit terrified how this is into like middle school drama because we haven't heard anything about b it's like is b gonna start you came for the like you came for the beast but you left with like back okay yeah you came for the what oh no nothing yeah so um there's there was that and then uh entirety of freshman year was just like us being depressed together and then uh at the end of freshman year she moved schools uh without like telling me uh and then like i also moved schools uh because i didn't really want to be in that school uh so that's the first a friend then be friend um be friend i was friends with her in middle school as well and then this was like seventh to eighth grade uh she started liking me but then um so a little background i grew up like very christian um all the way up until like eighth grade um and i didn't really learn about like uh sexual identity all the way until like seventh grade in middle school because no one taught me about it um so she started liking me and then and then like we used to exchange letters like even though we saw each other every day uh and i thought it was like a friend thing but like clearly it was not um and then made it clear that it wasn't well i mean like i don't think friends really exchange like two to three pages of letter every day okay but i guess i thought that true um so one day it's like actually a pretty cool friendship yeah if there was a friendship like that but anyway i don't mean to derail you sorry yeah i kind of miss her but like so there's that and then just a little bit just um and then she she liked me so one day she gave me like a love letter and then i i checked it when i got home and uh i i was smiling a lot when i read it for some reason but then like i told my mom about it and uh because my mom and i are pretty close uh or like back then we were still i mean yeah we were close uh but then she was like i don't know she she had this weird reaction where she was like oh you know like it's probably just as a friend or something uh and she told me that like she like she liked girls when she was young too but it was just like confusion and she like she basically told me like you're probably a bit confused and so she and i was like and then she told me that i shouldn't like stay friends with people like that because they'll confuse me more so i was like really confused um it's a common state for middle schoolers yes confused and scared um but and then so i got the letter and then uh i had the exchange with my mom and then i had this weird like and i started like realizing i'm seeing this girl the same way as i see a dude uh so then i got really scared for some reason i still don't know why uh so i got really scared and then and i did the worst thing possible and i just started avoiding her uh in true middle school fashion so we avoided each i avoided her and then she tried to confront me once but then i like ran away like quite literally so we stopped being friends but then like a few other people started thinking i was homophobic so i was like oh no and i tried to tell them i wasn't but like you know they they kind of didn't want to hear me so so that happened and then this was in eighth grade and then i got really depressed after sunny after i tried to commit like suicide and then uh i got really depressed and i really missed be like i really missed befriend so i wanted to like talk to her again right so i started like messaging her and then talking to her again before high school started without having uh ever apologized to her uh and like and like that was like my first mistake and then and this is where things get like kind of shitty and like yeah okay but how's your nervousness by the way right now like up the roof and gone up through like through the roof and god okay keep going so you said okay and things get really bad okay so then if i really bad i just mean like now i make a lot of actual shitty mistakes uh and then i realized in my freshman year of high school that i liked her a lot uh like in a non-straight way so i was really confused about that uh and then she but at the time when i realized i liked her she had a girlfriend so so i i knew about them and i like supported them too i like you know uh like this one time b told me to like he asked me if like i could get chocolates for her girlfriend and then she would pay me back so i agreed to that um like stuff like that uh so then i started liking her and then uh i really wanted to tell her because like things were getting a bit like too hard for me to handle what was getting hard for you to handle like i felt like i had to tell her because um it was getting in the way of like me functioning normally around her so maybe i was um yeah but then like she had a girlfriend so you're not really supposed to do that but like i did uh you're not supposed to do what like fall in love with people who are in relationships yeah okay okay so then i told her about it but i told her that i i wasn't trying to do anything i just wanted to like her to acknowledge it and then tell me like it can't happen and tell me to move on which is which is what she told me so like so then i was like okay um oh sorry guys so you did share with her and she said i'm sorry i'm with someone i want you to move on yeah okay and then i was like okay now we can be friends again um but like uh i found this out way later but she told me i mean no she uh when i told her about it she told her girlfriend and then they had a fight and broke up uh so so then b started ignoring me uh and then that got me really anxious uh because like yeah and then so after her ignoring me for two weeks like i confronted her about it i was like hey like could you just like please talk to me i'm sorry if i did something wrong because i didn't know she told her girlfriend that they yeah so uh so i confronted her and this was in the middle school lunch cafeteria we were in the middle school yeah uh well we were there for a class um but like we were there right and people are relatively quiet so it's just me and her talking uh because we had a sub that day and like i remember i was asking her hey what did i do wrong like could you please tell me and stuff like that and then she told me that uh she told me that she never really like liked me from the beginning and that uh and that uh she was tired of hearing me like talk about being depressed all the time and that i was making people around me like tired and stuff so that was like our last conversation before freshman year ended and then and then i moved uh yeah and then okay we actually did talk though on like the phone and stuff after after that like two years later but it was just like i don't really remember how it went but we did talk but we don't really talk we haven't talked at all for three years four years five years yeah okay so if i'm doing mental math then you're in your early twenties ballpark mom i'm in a class class i'm 18. yeah i'm in college i might i'm in my freshman year of college okay hence why i'm talking about middle school drop but uh yeah so okay yeah that's it what are you studying uh i'm in this program where i choose my major two years later so i'm just studying like philosophy and stuff right now in the meantime your basics yeah basic stuff yeah okay i'm thinking is that cool yeah no go yeah can we just check in like how you seem even though you say your anxieties through the roof i get the sense that you're actually like more relaxed i am yeah my heart is like not beating a lot anymore so that's really good okay um how does it feel so you remember there was that part of you that didn't want you to speak and how does that part feel right now it's not saying anything right now but i feel like yeah but i feel like later on i'll probably think why'd i do that or something yep yeah so so i i think that's also an important point that i want to make is that the parts of us so if we think about anxiety right anxiety like is a fear of the future it's afraid of what's going to happen and then often times if we can actually like overcome that hump the actual reality is not what we pictured and our our brain is designed to imagine bad things to keep us from doing catastrophic make catastrophic mistakes so it makes the things that we imagine in the future actually be amplified which is like evolutionary it's not you know if i run across a snake in the wilderness and my brain is like well chances are if i get bit it'll hurt a lot and i'll be like out like we think about death like our brain teaches us to fear death and we take dangers and then we actually amplify them which is what it's supposed to do but i want you to just notice that because many i think a lot of times going forward if you want to move past your that voice in your head all you've got to do is like get over the hump but i know it's going to come back it's definitely going to come back but i just kind of wanted to point that out so yeah so i mean did other stuff continue to happen in high school are there other things that sort of affected your self-esteem um high school was like mentally i was worse than i was in middle school but like nothing was actually like going on if that makes sense yeah what do you mean by mentally you were worse like i wasn't like sometimes i just couldn't go to school even after i moved out of the old one uh uh like i was crying a lot then i wanted to isolate myself a lot and like you know uh my grades went down a lot in freshman year so sophomore junior and senior was just me trying to get them up because my parents wanted them up so oh yeah but like besides that like it was just me in my head rethinking uh that things from middle school and freshman year of high school over and over again so so you were you were replaying that stuff yeah okay a lot okay can i share some thoughts with you sure so first of all good job today um just a reminder that this is not therapy right we're just talking about your past yeah um i'm glad you you do have uh treat like a treatment team right um so let so a lot of times what we explore with people is where the origins of their beliefs about themselves come from so the first thing to understand this sounds kind of weird but like you know when we were talking earlier about reassurance and like you feel basically like you're not a good person and that you burden people and that like your hurt like trickles out like almost like secondhand smoke and then like pollutes like yeah people's lives around you right like your presence is like you know it's like you're peeing in the swimming pool and everyone else is in the swimming pool and then like oh no oh no yeah um so so that that's what i'm getting from you is that you really feel like a burden you feel like you're not a good person you feel like you mess up other people's lives by your presence and so what most people do is they would reassure you right and they'd say like no minnie like you're an amazing person like you're beautiful you're a force for positivity why'd you say that in the british accent like the british because i'm i'm trying to poke fun at it but but you know people will say oh you know you're an amazing person i i do think you are an amazing person um i i actually i'm really optimistic for you um yeah and and i'll get to why but i think the first thing that we've got to do is that you're not dumb unfortunately you are quite smart and so the smarter you are if you have a belief like this is the problem is that when we try to when we see someone who's struggling with a belief we tell them they're wrong because that's not what we see right and so like but that's it's kind of silly because you're not dumb like that belief comes from somewhere i think actually you're justified in believing that you are a burden to other people i don't have i just don't think that that's the whole story so let's just take a step back and think about being a burden so the first thing is that we do burden on other people like that's true right so like if i'm having a bad day and like i'm moody like that's gonna affect my kids right it's gonna affect my wife if my wife is having a bad day my kids are like you do affect the people around you and sometimes you can affect the people around you in a negative way like that's not false um i also think that i know this is gonna sound crazy but i i do think that you know if you are sad and depressed that it negatively affects the people around you i don't i i know it's weird so be careful here because i mean i i don't know how else to say it but like when one person is depressed like as a psychiatrist i work with people who are depressed it's really hard on their families that's a fact now even though that's true we have to ask another question which is equally important i think this is the question you need to ask yourself is it okay to do that i don't i don't feel like no okay like i i feel like even though i know objectively that they're my family because they are there to support me through hard times like like on the inside like i really feel like i shouldn't yep so i get that right and and see we said you're smart because you know what the right answer is and you're like i disagree with the right answer which is entirely acceptable that is where i think you frankly we you know we need to work on your beliefs about what the world is and what human beings deserve from one another because i do think that's okay because i think that's how life works like i think it's i just don't see how else you know when i'm having a bad day i'm gonna burden the people around me and when other people are having a bad day they're gonna burden me that you know life is a multiplayer game it's not a single player game and that on any given day one of us is screwing up right now this is where you say like okay fine even that's true the problem is that i screw up more than everyone else right wait i'm like scared because you just thought of what i was thinking yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what we do here right so like you say like in theory fine you know i get to burden my parents sometimes my parents get to burden me but it's me burdening them all the [ __ ] time so it's not fair and that makes it not okay because if it was even fine okay so this is why i think it's great that you're 18. because you're just getting started there are gonna be a lot of people that get to burden you down the road and my hope is that actually as you as you continue to grow like and is just put more years under your belt you'll begin to see and i hope that you're able to see now we have to be tricky because this is where cognitive bias comes in because you may not be able to appreciate because you're so stuck in your own head that other people lean on you too so i'd give it a couple of years but we'll we'll get to that eventually yep yeah so i i think that you're gonna be i honestly many and this may hurt you here and hopefully i can repair this damage a little bit i think you're going to be a burden on people for a couple more years because i think that's what children are like i don't know how to say this huh but i'm 18. yeah i still think of y'all as kids and that's not it's it i don't try to be condescending yeah but like i know i mean i [ __ ] wasn't anywhere near an adult when i was 18. i i earned my first real paycheck at the age of 32. like i you know i i just i was a late bloomer like literally 14 years is like 14 years later is when i started becoming a self like sufficient adult where i could pay my own bills and stuff like that and it's just it just takes time right so like we don't we don't actually consider 18 i mean we consider 18 year olds adults but if you're in near us you're not allowed to drink right you're still actually in education you're just starting your final base of education potentially and so so i think it's just you know you're not going to be like as productive like you'll be a far more productive member of society at 30 than you are at 18. that's just a fact it doesn't mean that 18 year olds can't be productive adults i'm not saying that but i'm just like give yourself a little bit of time um the next thing is that we've got to think a little bit about like where your belief that you're a burden comes from and this is what i love about your story is because we actually already have the answer you usually have to dig around for with people but where when did you start believing that you were a burden to the people around you like when i started getting depressed which was eighth grade yeah i i don't even think that's it so i think it really comes from when the woman that you were in love with told you that you're a burden to other people and that you ruined their lives i don't know if it was love okay sure sure as hell sounds like it from my perspective and maybe it wasn't i mean i'm in a relationship right now okay okay sorry i mean no it's okay i i mean it sounds like a [ __ ] rom-com mini it's a story out of a rom-com i don't i'm not trying to you know mess up your life but yeah yeah you know i mean like it sounds like you guys had a real connection whether it's like you know whether it's like friendship love or romantic love or something in between it sounds like you guys genuinely cared for each other in a very deep way yeah you know i mean even if if there wasn't romantic love or it really wasn't romantic love like whatever there's there's clearly like some i mean you like you said it's not common for seventh or eighth graders to write each other two to three page letters on a daily basis yeah i don't know what you call that i would just call it a deep connection of which i think the word love approximates the best and and if we think about it like you know what does it do to someone when they care about someone so much when someone is so important to them and to hear those kinds of words from her like what did it feel like when she said that like the exaggeration but also not really but my like my physical chest area hurt when i heard that like i started crying and then like felt like my heart was like breaking and stuff literally yeah yeah right so and i hate to say this many you've been a little bit broken ever since and and because that's the thing is like like when you say you should have gotten over it like you haven't gotten over it and like no wonder you feel like a burden because you know it sounds like in some ways and so you're you're down playing things so i'm gonna amplify things and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle so like probably one of the most important people in the world to you or maybe the most important person in the world to you tells you that you're a burden and you ruin the lives of people around you and then you said that your heart was breaking literally okay so like like if we think about it you know where a lot of these thoughts coming from it's like because she told you that right like you learned that lesson about yourself and it dug it like sunk in really deep and then you sort of had this belief and it sounds like it may have started before that even like when you started to get depressed and stuff but if i were to say you know it's kind of like maybe there were some cracks but like that was the shattering yeah yeah right so and so and so if we think about it you know if you really want to heal like it has to be through that experience and there are even signs like more from like a psychological or even neuroscientific perspective that that was this the seminal event and the reason that i say that is because you remember that there was a substitute teacher that day so if we look at memory memory is tied to importance right people like what do you remember like do you remember what you had for lunch on october 28 2014 no of course not right it's completely unimportant but people remember where they were during 9 11. you remember you were in the cafeteria for a class with a substitute teacher and so like what that tells me is that moment in time sunk deep into your mind like it's frozen it's like a perfect picture and even like when you think about it like the picture in your mind is so vivid that even thinking about it brings up emotions brings up thoughts it's like this whole whirlwind of stuff and so now what that is is like it's sitting in your unconscious or subconscious mind and it's generating the energy of that moment is generating these thoughts it's like a projector that's like putting stuff up into your mind and like the projector is over here but what you see is over here and this is what where you are right now but you don't realize that it's all coming from like this experience right because that's like like it's interesting because even the language that we talked about before hearing her words are like almost identical to her words right the way that you think about yourself is a burden is polluting the people around you everything you touch turns to ash you're like a plague right yeah and so now the question with me questions thoughts yeah comments uh how dare you oh my god how dare i go to the bathroom i know i'll be back she's learning chat she's learning how to troll us back welcome back minnie hi how you feeling you know like less nervous definitely okay yeah so um let me just offer you a couple of directions okay so one is uh you know we can talk a little bit more about the some scar or like this ball of undigested emotion that i think generates these negative thoughts we can also just talk a little bit about uh you know some of the other thoughts that you have we can talk some about your parents or kind of how you feel day to day what what would you like to do um i guess i could talk about my day-to-day yeah can you tell us about that um so when i when i started therapy in like ninth grade i was a mess like grades were down uh couldn't get out of bed not going to school isolating all that stuff uh and um so like day to day back then was like terrible right but then i did therapy and i moved schools and everything and then i realized i was definitely getting better like going to school again um grades are better or like you know but then but then like oh and then the panic attacks got less now i only have it like maybe once every two months but uh i realized recently that when something bad happens i like go straight back to when i was in ninth grade and freshman year like i'm back to not getting out of bed and like feeling like i'll never get better and stuff like that yeah what thoughts oh yeah oh god god so it's just like a constant cycle of like better and then not then better or not yeah how does it how does it feel to be getting better and worse all the time yo-yoing exhausting i can imagine exhausting and uh kind of of like the burden thing again where i feel like i wish i could be this perfect friend or daughter to like and be stable but i'm not so yeah i can imagine that you're okay accepting other people's help if you actually got better yeah but it feels like a waste to you because you lose all that ground are you a good daughter no no i don't think so okay help us understand that uh so when i was little like like all the way until before middle school i was really i was really happy all the time like most of the time uh like i really enjoyed doing things like reading books or whatever uh and stuff like that and i was really happy most of the time and i think my parents were glad that i was like that because i have a brother and he was really hard to deal with for a while all the way until he got into college um like me and my brother are kind of opposites so he's like i i perceive myself as pretty social and i like feed off of um socializing with people because it makes me happy um but like for my brother uh he has a hard time socializing with people he's a bit like he's more the odd one out of the our family so my parents kind of my parents kind of hate him and like i i learned that like if i don't want to be hated by my parents i kind of have to be the opposite of him even though i already was uh so sorry i lost my train of thought that's great pick it up go ahead why do your parents hate your brother it's really like when we were little like we're four years apart so like when i was in when i was six and he was like 10 uh they would fight a lot they fought all the way until he was at the end of his high school years they always fought about like grades or like they even thought about him being bullied uh being i don't know why yeah when he was in like when he was in elementary school like he used to get bullied by his classmates it's a part of why we moved from korea to here but so yeah they used to fight a lot and then whenever they fought i would like i like hide under the dining room table and i just like close my ears uh and then and then i learned to hate him my brother for a long time because sometimes like fights would get violent and then sometimes i would try to stop them but i was like six you know so uh yeah uh or like 12 or i don't know all the ages um so like i learned to hate him because i saw that my parents were hating him and i kind of just hated him because he was really we didn't talk a lot either but whenever we did i always felt like i always felt like he was the one causing troubles for family uh but then like but then i became depressed in eighth grade and then i started becoming the troublemaker of the family uh so then my parents were like what the [ __ ] you're supposed to be the good one um what did they say to you like my parents mhm i mean they said a lot of things but sometimes they're like really supportive and stuff but sometimes when we would fight when i was depressed like they would say stuff like like why are you getting any better or like or like i don't know uh like you're weighing our family business down because my parents do business and they were telling me that because i was depressed like they were depressed so they couldn't do work or something uh oh yeah yeah yeah they did oh oh how wonderful um oh that's all class um yeah but at the same time like like they did say some really mean things but i feel like it was out of like like they had reasons for it yep yeah they are bad people i really love them i don't think they're bad people they were just tired too and they didn't understand why i wasn't getting along with my brother either uh because whenever we talked we would fight so and what's your understanding what's your understanding of why y'all would fight so much um he's done a lot of mean things to me also but like to my parents as well and then whenever we would go like whenever we would go somewhere as a family he would be troublesome socially so i kind of had to cover for him what does that mean troublesome socially like so let's say my family was having a dinner with like a family friend right so we'd be eating and talking then my brother would like not really get the social cues and talk about whatever he wanted to do or like or just do just little things that would be like ha to the guest but for us we were like stop that um so i would try to like sound cover afraid of him embarrassing you yeah we were we were and i was making the family look bad yeah we were and then i was also scared that i don't know yeah i was also scared that like they would look down on my brother because like there were incidents where he actually escalated into a fight with like other people outside of her family and that's when i was like no he can't do that uh so it's just like you know but he like mellowed down in high school he's still a prick but like uh we don't fight a lot anymore i actually had like a semi heart to heart with him in like like a few months ago and i was just trying to understand that like he was really like he told me he was really depressed in middle school and like when he was younger and he was dealing with a lot too uh so i like i remember asking my parents to get hymn therapy when we were in high school yeah uh sorry that was tangent it's a beautiful one i'm gonna just try to take this in yes go ahead what do you talk about in therapy the same thing i talked about here okay and then a little bit more about like other stuff but you know yeah basically but you your therapists know that for example like you had this when you grew up like you would hide under a table and cover your ears when your parents were in a fight with your brother yeah and what are your their how does that conversation go in therapy it depended on who it was but like all six therapists like let's say there's an hour in a session right it's usually like 40 minutes of me talking and then 20 minutes sometime talking or less so it was just me talking a lot and then giving advice like breathe or something which is good but what do you want to hear what's wrong with me because i always hear people reassure me that there's nothing wrong with me but like clearly what makes it clear that something's wrong with you can you hear me um hi so you want to hear what's wrong with you and they won't tell you why sorry and they won't tell you what's wrong with you yeah okay well except for my friend and what did she say he tells me that i'm self-sabotaging a lot what does that mean which like telling myself that i'm not good enough for like i'm burning people and stuff like that and i hear her but i don't know what to do with it okay sorry i had a message from someone okay and then do you if you could change something if i could wave a magic wand and change something about your life what would you change um i want my this is going to sound real bad but i would want my brother okay how does it feel to say that i feel really and why do you want him gone flake i don't know i often think about what it would have been like if i was like holy child and what do you envision if you were an only child like less pain from what he does do you sometimes wonder if you would be normal if he wasn't around yeah and i know i know that's not true because how do you know that's not true because like he's not like that anymore or a lot less like that and my life's still kind of you know so hmm minnie this is going to be tricky they do something wrong nope not at all all right it's just testing you're the raid boss people joke about you know you've heard this meme before in our channel people like oh my god this person's going to be the right boss and no no one expected it to be you but let's see i know how does it feel to be the raid boss i'm sorry guys what are you sorry for for being a raid whose fault is that i'm not sure sure you are my do you see the cycle it keeps going what's the cycle pointed out to me uh so like it's like oh there's a problem i blame myself uh but then like someone tells me i'm not and i kind of believe it but then there's a problem again i play myself yeah very good right and so i know this is going to sound weird but where can we break that cycle there's a problem i blame myself people tell me it's not my fault i sort of believe it there's a problem where do we break that cycle the blaming part nope that's what you would think that's what you would think what do you want when i asked you what you wanted what's your answer minnie um do you remember what you said what do you want from therapy to to be more less self-doubting no no no no see these are all the [ __ ] answers the real answer was you wanted you want your therapist to tell you what's wrong with you oh yeah yeah yeah sorry i forgot so the real problem with the cycle is not there's a problem and i blame myself because that shit's gonna happen you're gonna blame yourself right you can't stop that what we need to change is the reassurance what we need to do is tell you what's wrong with you that's what you want and that's what we need to do because that's what they don't do right and then the problem is that like when they reassure you it covers up the problem but it doesn't actually solve anything and so the cycle continues right and so actually what we needed and the reason you're the raid boss is because i'm gonna have to tell you why you're the problem okay because that's what you want so it's what you gotta hear but before we do that before we do that how do you feel do you feel anxious when i say things like that yeah yeah oh my god and what are you afraid i'm gonna say ah you suck or something yeah i don't think you suck i think you're awesome okay um but i i do think it's it's really challenging right because if we don't if we don't accept responsibility for our situation we also have no power to change it it's like a really tricky double-edged sword and i think in a bizarre way the reason that you aren't changing is because people sort of take that away from you and it's actually what you want you want you want to hear like why you're the problem and i think you're we'll get there in a second but i don't think it's going to be what you think it is but it is actually going to be a problem so it's just gonna be hard that's what's tricky so let me start with this when your friend told you what she said that day in the cafeteria where were those words coming from like when she says you're a burden and you make everyone else's life around you worse where are those words coming from within her from the things i did not really sort of right so like if we think about like let me ask you this was she like of calm and tranquil mind when she was explaining this to you no where what was she feeling in that moment anger yep and so like the words were coming from a place of hurt does that make sense yeah and so this is important to understand because like even though hurtful words can be true they're incomplete right and this is the problem with like hearing what's wrong with you a mini is that i'll tell you what's wrong with you but what i need you to understand is that it's incomplete because that's true right like i mean i mean come on like let's just think about what you've said okay and then let's think about how reasonable some of your conclusions are if you find yourself thinking i wish my brother had never existed and then you're like i'm kind of an evil person and then what are we supposed to say no you're not right so the problem here minnie is is not that you're wrong the problem is that you're right the bigger problem is that it's incomplete because what i want you to understand is that in the same way like do you believe like what do you think that friend what do you think b thinks about you as a complete person she used to tell me that i was really like i made her happy yep yeah and that i was really fun to be around yeah yeah right so that makes sense to me it makes sense to me that you caused her a lot of pain and you brought her a lot of happiness the problem is that in the in the moments in the screenshots that your mind took it like you know took way more or way bigger screenshots of the negative moments in your life as opposed to the positive moments and that's not your fault that's literally the way that our brain is wired so our brain if you go to a restaurant and you eat there 10 times and it's really really yummy you remember those 10 times pretty well if you go there the 11th time and you get food poisoning what does your brain remember about the restaurant i had food poisoning okay at that restaurant yeah exactly right so that's what's happened in your life and if we really look at it it's not that it's false that you had a bad experience at the restaurant it's not wrong to believe that it's just incomplete and so in the same way that your friends can you sort of understand and let me know like if you rebel against this internally because i can kind of read your mind but i can't read this next part okay so i need so if i were to tell you that your friend what she said about you wasn't untrue but at that that it came from a place of like hurt and was incomplete what do you think about that i i agree okay so then what you have to do this is the hard part is that like i can imagine if you're a six-year-old and it sounds like there's an argument and maybe even like a physical altercation between your parents and your brother and you're six years old and you just want to play with what did you play with when you were six years old um like a nintendo 3. okay so you're just playing nintendo and then that's what i played when i was 62. um and uh you know you're just sitting there playing your nintendo and this like altercation breaks out and then like they're yelling and then you have to like like that child is like afraid and then the child runs under a table and covers their ears and what do they when a child covers their ears what do they want what are they thinking in their head they wanted to stop absolutely i just want to stop and if you're a six-year-old and you want to stop what do you see is the problem well in my case like my brother absolutely right it's a six-year-old's thought like the six-year-old does it just like i just wanted to stop i want him to go away because you're not dumb and when he comes like when you're if you stay at home from school and he's not around you get to play on your nintendo and when he shows up your parents and him get into it and then your parents their parents and you sort of get that like even as a six-year-old you're like my parents know what's up right like that's how we think like we think that our parents like know what's going on and so then your parents hate him and they say certain things to him and then you just know that when he's around like it's a mess and so you just want him to go away you want him to never exist it's the thought of a six-year-old completely appropriate does it make you an evil person i don't think so is it an evil thought absolutely and this is where i i think the the real problem many that you run into is that i think that the the bad thoughts that you have about yourself are actually true it's just just because you have an evil thought even if you really want it and evil even if you really believe it on some level doesn't make you an evil person that's the jump that you need to stop making because i have an evil thought i am an evil person because i burden people around me i am a burden do you see the difference in those two statements one is like an identity and then the problem is once you make that identity you carry it with you wherever you go and then you get into cognitive bias but if you have like bad thoughts is it an [ __ ] thought to like wish that your brother didn't exist sure and here's the crazy thing i think it's okay for you to have that thought because i think that that thought comes from a place of just wanting it to end and when you're six years old the world is not a complicated place it's just like uh because six-year-olds have like magical thinking and they're like if i waved a magic wand and made my brother go away imagine how simpler my life would be and then each time you have that thought each time you guys go to some friend's house and i'm assuming they're korean and you guys go to some like you know because it's like social [ __ ] right yeah and then like in the korean community you guys are viewed as like rejects because you've got this brother who gets into fights with people when you guys go to dinner and there's a lot of family shame because that's what we do in east asia and south asia and all over the rest of the world too but i think it seems to be more powerful nowadays it lingers better in these cultures where it's about community and family over individuality there's a whole different system of worth your worth as a human being is not based on who you are it's based on your family thoughts responses questions okay so what's wrong with you i think that uh a lot of the things that you think about yourself happen to be true so i some of them i don't think are true but i think that you do burden people around you i do think that it's an evil thought to wish that your brother never existed i think actually what's wrong with you is that you define your identity based on those thoughts but they're just thoughts like i had a thought about a unicorn doesn't make the unicorn real right it's just a thought our mind just thinks all kinds of weird stuff and i think it's okay for you to like acknowledge that you're a burden but i also think you need to like really think about you know when people say that you're a burden to understand that like that's coming from like a dark place inside them and like we can't let the dark places and each of us define what the world is because if your friend thinks you're a burden and you think you're a burden then like that's a bleak pace but you're more than a burden right you're someone who brought her happiness and you're someone who brought her joy and you're someone who like you know taught her what love is if we want to get corny and and you know i know you're in a relationship now so sorry about that you know i can't help myself for the memes i do it for the music but but i mean seriously like i i think that the problem in here is that what's wrong with you is that you don't see that you're more than your worst parts that's the real problem i don't dispute that you have bad parts i just don't think that that's all of you right and and the other thing is that i forgive you for having the bad parts of you that you do because i think it's understandable like what do you expect what do you expect a six-year-old to want to do when they have a brother who comes home and fights with their parents all the time right and if your parents start hating him you're just gonna learn so it's like is it wrong to hate him yes do you hate him yes is that bad yes does it make you a bad person no right like in fact many what i think is actually really amazing is that you recognize like there's a part of you that fights against all these thoughts and feelings right there's a part of you that makes you the reason that having the thought is fine what would really make you evil is if you didn't think you were evil for having the thought right that's what makes you good is like the fact that you feel guilty is like what makes you a good person yeah and then in terms of you know being a burden like i think that's gonna get better and i think that frankly your parents sort of made some potential mistakes here now i'm not trying to bash your parents i know that you haven't painted a really you know rosy picture of them but i think let's all be clear and fair that i think your parents are seem like actually really good people it seems like they did the best that they could you know they grew up in a particular culture where like there's a lot of shame around mental health and like that's just what they grew up with so like let's not blame them for it that's the whole thing it's like are we going to blame people for like what they grew up with and if you're going to forgive your parents for what they grew up with and you're going to be understanding for them you should be understanding for yourself now be careful because i'm not saying you're wrong i'm just saying you need to be more understanding to yourself right you get a pass is what i'm saying you have an excuse i don't it doesn't count how do you feel about that i'm unsure i'll take it like like i hear what you're saying and i agree give me the butt like but the little the little mini me inside me is like but is that pass okay or something yep so so that's the question that i think you should answer right is is d so who determines whether the pass is okay yeah so that's your choice to make and i hope that you conclude that it is okay i hope that you can learn how to forgive yourself for the person that you are and i hope that you can forgive be for hurting you and i hope that you can forgive your brother for all the disharmony he has caused right because that's his real problem is he's like disharmonious yeah and and give yourself time minnie and there may be like forgiveness for your parents too somewhere in there but like you have to i if you're unsure like i'll take it i think that's as far as we're gonna get today like i don't okay you know you know i i think that i'm i'm actually really happy with that because i was gonna say sorry but then i realized no i'm not sorry okay good walk us through that oh cause like when you said i think we're gonna end with unsure i was like oh but i want to give a better definite answer so i'm sorry but then i realized like no that's what i'm here for absolutely right that's great you did it you gave the good answer even in the end so either either you're a really good scam artist and you figure that out but if that's actually what happened in your mind minnie that's that's actually what we want right is we want you to observe like oh it's your fault no it's like like it's actually perfect because what you're saying is that yeah i didn't do what i was supposed to do i'm not transformed and i don't need to apologize for that [ __ ] that's exactly what i'm telling you like that's like living exactly what i'm telling you is that own that you didn't get there all the way own that you are a burden to people own that you do have evil thoughts and also own that it sounds like you care and love about you care and love your brother that you really do care about him a lot that you guys are rebuilding a relationship right and like that's exactly what i'm talking about if you can stop yourself from saying i'm sorry that's perfect because it's where you are and like that's totally cool oh no you didn't come all the way oh my god how dare you yeah but that's absolutely right how dare you good keep daring my friend you know keep daring to like not be what you think you should be and not be what the world wants you to be and instead keep daring to be who you are good and bad [ __ ] up pieces and good pieces because i don't think you're perfect and that's what makes you perfect so corny yeah yeah it's [ __ ] cool yeah yeah and you called me out on it's beautiful this is who you are what you can't just let me inspire the internet you have to call me out on it come on it's great right this so many the more you ready for more corny okay the more we see of you right like when you shine through a little bit and you're like that's so corny like that's actually beautiful like the more you shine through with like you know calling me out on my [ __ ] and like the more you put yourself out there the more that you let us see who you are i think what we see is really beautiful like really it's amazing you're awesome thank you i'm just gonna let you sit with that discomfort we're gonna watch you squirm we're going to bring the anxiety right back to where we started the beginning oh lord no not the anxiety how does it feel to be appreciated feels weird yeah what's weird about it that i can like be imperfect and people are still like that's so cool or something i mean that's weird if you think about it yeah so that's what i want you to do and i think it's great that you're willing to tolerate that discomfort because you've been you've become comfortable with your low self-esteem yeah right you've been you've become comfortable with beating yourself up and blaming yourself and it can actually be like uncomfortable to start to love yourself and to start to accept other people's appreciation for who you are because it's like it's like icky why can't you just treat me like a piece of [ __ ] at least i know what that feels like oh they'll call me out like that oh no yeah but no i'm i'm not going to because i don't think you are and if it makes you uncomfortable tough luck this is about helping you not making you feel comfortable it's about helping you grow thoughts questions um no wow you're really cool see she's [ __ ] i want it this is the rape boss i'm telling you guys she's using my own techniques against me this is like in the animation so inspiring oh my god oh yeah see she's doing it she knows she's doing it to me chat no one's done this before i'm telling you i told you all she was the rain boss this is like if you play those video games where there's a dark mirror and then you get an evil duplicate of yourself that you have to fight oh no that's you i just never thought that my evil doppelganger would be an 18 year old korean girl with bunny ears on that's when i visited when i envisioned the raid boss this is not what i felt uh but well played minnie well played no but i mean it though like like you inspire a lot of people and that's how i came here so yeah am i making you uncomfortable what's wrong with dr k is this uncomfortable for you what the [ __ ] okay yeah i'll concede i'll concede the uh you can take this round all right but i'll just yeah i'll i'll have to come up with some new tricks so you can't use them against me can't do uh can i think for a moment anymore because i didn't [Laughter] it was like i i thought i thought we were you know i thought this was pve but you're turning into pvp next time i'll i'll be good but listen i i do appreciate you know your i i was joking a little bit but i you know i get what you're saying about me being inspiring and all that and i appreciate that and i think the other thing so now i'm gonna i'm gonna swing back so get ready get ready for it you're inspiring too right because like i can't do this on my own and actually what's really inspiring about this is like the people who come on and that's what makes this what it is and it's your honesty and your authenticity and you're like willing to share the darkest parts of yourself that actually makes it inspiring thank you [ __ ] she said thank you she just took it thank you yeah she's you guys see that she learned she's like adapting and growing and morphing she can just accept it now and she can just maybe accept the compliment and maybe feel better about herself despite her discomfort she's learning she's evolving she is but listen minnie this has been fantastic do you want to learn about meditation or we if we mean ourselves out of that space would i be taking too much time or oh there it is you tell me no i won't i want to do it okay okay but if you want to you're allowed to say no but you're not allowed to say no because it takes too much time no i i do want to learn okay okay so now i gotta now i'm okay i gotta think about this i have some water what are we gonna teach minnie okay so i want you to sit up straight okay and then i want you to put your hands together in front of your chest like this and i want your uh elbows to be at like right angles to the ground so i want your arms to be straight yeah so you should feel like tension um like at the base of your wrists right so you just feel that tension for a second and now what i want you to do you can relax your elbows a little bit and then pull your hands apart just a tiny amount and um i don't know if you're gonna need to take off uh pull your sleeves down i actually don't know if it'll interfere so close your eyes and i want you to feel the space between your hands and you may feel like almost like a desire to kind of pull them together a little bit you may feel like something like you know warmth between them and now pull them apart a little bit more and feel that warmth expand it's almost like a fluffy cushion i don't know if that makes any sense if it doesn't make any sense just shake your head no you sort of get whatev okay [ __ ] all right so do you feel warmth between your palms okay now bring them together a little bit and just focus on how the warmth changes now pull them apart a little bit focus on that warmth between your hands and then a little bit further and as you move your hands a little further apart try to track the warmth so do you feel it when they're this far apart yeah pull them a little bit further you feel it now bit further how about now no okay good so this is the limit so bring them in a little bit now you feel it okay so now what i want you to do is open your eyes for a second i want you to take your left palm and put your right palm inside it like this yep very good and then i want you to put your arms in your lap so that's kind of him sit up straight and close your eyes and what i want you to do is feel that warmth coming out of your palm i want you to breathe and sort of imagine almost like a circuit like there's energy coming into you either from the top of your head or your breath it travels through your arms in a circuit and kind of out of your palm okay and as you sit just focus on any of those sensations that grab your attention so whether it's the feeling of energy entering or it passing through your body or it coming out of your palms and as you breathe notice the vitality within yourself it's kind of hard to describe but just notice that you're alive and there's like life in there there's a heartbeat there's breath there's energy there's sensation there's heat and now see if there's darkness are there ugly parts in there if you can find something nod your head yes and what does that feel like where is it tell us like my head okay what about your head feels like i'm sweating so okay so the darkness is sort of localized in your head okay so just notice it that's where it is and now as you breathe in breathe in through your nose and breathe into that darkness and it's kind of like almost like a sticky smoke kind of thing and then breathe into it and you're probably kind of pumping fresh air in and as you breathe out let that out and now i want you to set that aside for a moment and focus on the rest of your being once again on the sensation of energy entering your body traveling through the circuits of your arms and coming out of your palms and notice that even though there is a dark patch within you that there's a lot of you that isn't dark and that this is who you are not all bad not all good that if you give yourself the time if you give yourself the space and if you're patient with yourself what you really are will start to shine through and think about the difference between the way that you feel now and the way that you feel when that darkness dominates your body and when you can't get out of bed that it's okay to be disappointed that you always go back to square one but then even if you do go back to square one that you still have this buoyancy of life and vitality that pulls you out of it and just let yourself be with that vitality for now and now one last breath really deep and then really slow as you exhale when you're ready open your eyes what's behind the smile this time i'm really sweaty like sweaty where where like my forehead is that new no i think i'm just like like temperature temperature-wise hot right now i mean i've i've heard a lot of things in meditation and people having reactions i've never heard people get sweaty so i was like threw me for a loop i also kept like hearing my heartbeat and whenever i hear my heartbeat i get really anxious but this time like it wasn't anxious so i don't know what that is but i'll take it i'll take i'll take whatever you're willing to give raid boss wow no but seriously so so so i i think that's important okay so minnie i think that you know as you learn how to be comfortable with your heartbeat right that you you can listen to your heartbeat it used to be anxiety provoking but that you can also like tap into it and find like a regularity and a calmness to it and just zone in on your heartbeat if the circuits of energy and [ __ ] like that doesn't mean anything to you you can just focus on your heartbeat and and just sit with yourself because here's the thing like for the most part i don't know if this makes sense or not but like what you sat with is not like a bad person they're not a stain on the earth like it's just not what you are does that make sense yeah and and so you just need to spend more time with that person because right now the biggest problem is that you spend a lot of time with the most negative parts of yourself we're not saying that they're not real it's just you know the the tv is just stuck on that channel and there's so many other channels and so give yourself the benefit of of sitting with the part of you that is awesome and the one that you know took a win off of dr k because that's rare i'm so happy see like she's not even embarrassed by it like oh my god okay all right any last thoughts or questions before we wrap up minnie thank you for having me you're so cool dr k you're so cool minnie it was awesome you came on i'm thrilled you did really it was a lot of fun thank you and good luck to you thank you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 334,538

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, low self esteem, low self confidence, low self worth, accepting yourself, accepting yourself for who you are, depression, anxiety, forgiving yourself, learning to forgive yourself, feel like a burden, burden, how to stop being a burden, self judgement, feeling guilty, feeling inadequate, feeling self conscious, feeling ugly, self conscious about looks, how to stop judging yourself

Id: XYG1R19erOA

Length: 120min 53sec (7253 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 07 2020