Finding your "True Self" ft. Mira | Dr. K Interviews

yeah great question so it starts by recognizing that like you're looking for answers fundamentally because this is the way you've been trained so like literally the reason i ask you the question where do you get the idea that there is a formula for success it's because like everywhere around you like even though you've figured out and this is huge for you by the way i think it's awesome that you figured this out that your formula for success is not your parents formula for success the next step is for you to figure out is there a formula for success i'm actually not home i'm uh stuck at hamburg germany right now because of the corona yeah so i have to like stream from phone and work from chrome and like do everything from my phone right now oh wow so yeah i'm sorry okay you're stranded that's fantastic it's okay it's an experience you know there are some good things coming with it so yeah i hope it's involved can you tell me about those and it's mira right yes yeah nice to meet you nice to meet you too so uh mira what are we talking about today oh so much i wanted to talk to you about well um first of all i wanted to say that i think what you've been doing on twitch is absolutely amazing just like absolutely astonishing like uh i'm just grateful that people actually trying to bring awareness into mental health in the gaming community because i've been streaming on twitch for like over five years and i've never ever seen anything like so useful like it's please keep doing what you're doing that's all i wanted to say thank you so much i i really appreciate the the support and and kind of the positive wishes it keeps us going so i'm grateful for your support yeah so yeah um i started watching you from the very beginning actually like the first stream that you did with byron yeah the first time that you stream with byron i actually uh watched the whole thing and i had like a very strong reaction to that uh for two reasons actually well the first one is because i could relate to like what byron was talking about um me and byron we don't keep in touch but like back like few like years ago we kind of had a similar like we connected on a level of like depression and like how we felt yeah um so when he was talking about all these issues with you it just it was like trigger point for me so i was kind of like reliving some of my experiences and all the conversations that you were having with him i found very helpful um like i kept reflecting on that and yeah so obviously that had um an impact on me and as i mentioned like the fact that i haven't seen anything like this useful on twitch for years and years i mean yeah twitch just brings some entertainment here and there but like actual like knowledge like actual help like it's just i just think it's amazing so for me it was like wow yeah so i i think um you know a lot of people i think byron's courage was really instrumental in in you know demonstrating to people that like you can talk about things that are normally hidden and yeah and that you don't have to be ashamed or afraid of of what's on the inside and yeah so what was it about and the other thing that's you know i guess not that surprising but i think a lot of streamers and our community because streamers are like you know we think about streamers as different but i think they're like they're part of our community right like they're just of course yeah and and so depression and mental health problems are something that we all struggle with um and so was there something in particular that like sort of was uh you know resonated with you about the the talk with byron well yeah i already mentioned that me and him like interacted before in the past and there was this one discussion that i had with him one-on-one with off stream we were talking about not feeling much you know that issue when you feel like you have almost everything in life well you know that like a normal person would think they need to feel happy but you just don't feel happy and on top of that you just don't feel much at all and yes exactly and like the more you you dug it with byron the more like you realize that there was traumas that you know sort of affected the way that he is so i really i try to because i try to contact you uh pretty much right after you talk to byron but it was a little hard to get in touch so um but i didn't get disencouraged no no it's absolutely understandable you have other things to do so um i try to sort of dig that on my own and i try to good for you um yeah i just try to get like information online and like work on myself and figure out what was really wrong and i mean i progressed kind of ish i had some progress through that but um can you tell us a little bit about that journey uh yeah i can um well i did realize that a lot of my mental issues just came from the way my parents raised me always in it like that with everyone pretty much and um a lot of it i didn't even realize that i had because i thought that's just how world is you know because their parents raised a certain way and we like believe that's it absolutely yeah so it's kind of hard to reflect on that like on your own but um absolutely so um let me just sorry one second i'm gonna sit cross like that's the tapping sorry about that twitch yeah that's what i'm doing too so mira would you like like is it okay if i ask you some questions about that okay and if you know if there's anything that i ask that you're not comfortable answering just let me know and and you know you don't have to say anything that you're not comfortable with um so let's start with the so so when you said that it was a lot of it has to do with the way that your parents raised you can you tell me a little bit about what growing up was like for you yes i can um i grew up in um i have to be careful with the words i choose you um careful about the words you choose uh my parents they're more or less like public figures so i have to like be careful okay uh-huh so and that's like another big thing that added to my childhood because you can truly do what you want all the time you have to like be very careful about like how you present yourself okay um not so much i guess on twitch they can twitch that's why i like try to you know keep that part separate very separate because i feel like i can um i feel more free to express myself and twitch but growing up i had a pretty strict upbringing i guess like my parents were open-minded about some things but for the most part they had a very specific ideas about how we should be raised and like what we need to do in life um and how um i guess uh what else we need to do to be happy and stay sort of uh very controlling in my opinion and what did they think you needed to do in life you know the normal stuff you graduate school then you go to college you graduate college and of course you have to have very good grades everywhere and you have to be on your best behavior everywhere you have to make them proud what does best behavior look like you just have to be the best you just have to be the best like there's nothing else like you have to have a ways like this that's it like i just remember school is very stressful mainly because of that so yeah and then when you graduate college you need to um you know you don't have to get a job just like go straight into marriage because like you have to have a husband you have to have kids and you're gonna feel happy there you know but then the time comes you realize okay check check check check i feel empty and what were the checks what were the boxes that you had checked okay i didn't get the i didn't get the kids back i didn't get a few boxes but um i think it's really good that i didn't have kids so i think you have to be mentally very healthy and financially also ready to raise somebody else because if you have issues like your kid's just gonna copy you and that's to be bad news bears so yeah um so it sounds like you did well academically yes i did and did you yeah sorry go ahead but even that like didn't bring much satisfaction to my life i don't know i had some good jobs as well um just just nothing really it just all felt very off and i couldn't understand like why and like lately when i started realizing like analyzing things i was like hey maybe like that over controlling behavior from my parents just kind of resulted in me making one choices for myself in terms of like that's not what i wanted that's why i don't feel happy that's what they wanted for me sure so what do you want like evelyn i mean so so here's what i'm hearing mira you told us what you've you've given us a nice picture of what your parents wanted for you and you're telling me that you kind of did what they wanted basically right for the most part for the most part yes and as you sort of lived the life they had wanted for you you noticed yourself feeling not happy as you should have been and also maybe a little bit numb and feeling a little bit empty and so then the question becomes okay if that's if that's what they wanted and we're thinking about like i'm assuming that numbness and emptiness is a problem for you is that fair i mean should it be a problem other people say it should be uh yeah some people do believe that it is a problem but so what can i help you with today how exactly uh can i ask you a question about like your career path sure do you remember the moment when you realized like you 100 want to do what you're doing right now like you want to study in that area and you want to become who you are yes and no so i would say that i had a hundred percent knowledge of who i wanted to be and i was a hundred percent confident in that and i turned out to be wrong and then i kind of figured something out and i sort of settled for second best and then at another point i sort of figured out a hundred percent of who i wanted to be and then i turned out to be wrong and now i have a sense of a hundred percent of who i want to be for the third time in my life and so far it seems to be going well and each of those things when i knew what i wanted to be i think i gained a lot from it it's not like there was failure right so i think that you know there's this idea that you have this revelation and then you figure out what your true path is in life but in my experience it's a series of revelations that are kind of wrong and each of those brings you one step closer to like what you should be doing do you feel like what you doing right now in life might be your life's purpose in terms of your job in terms of occupation i think it's my life's purpose now but what life has taught me is that your purpose in life changes over time right has it always been your occupation like your main focus of your life no so i view occupation is a vehicle to accomplish what you want right so like i'm a medical doctor but like i don't have to be so what i'm doing today doesn't have much to do with being a medical doctor right like so so medical doctor is a part of my training but what i'm really trying to do is help gamers and i teach them lots of things that are completely outside of medicine so medical doctor like my occupation serves my goal it isn't my goal and this i think is exactly what maybe like your parents tried to emphasize for you is that they felt like a particular occupation or a particular part a particular piece of your life is the goal for me it's not the goal it's just a means you play video games oh yeah i've been doing since i was a kid uh well now that i don't have my computer i just been playing lots of hearthstone it's like a strategy card game so i'm a boomer but not that much of a boomer so so when we think about like you know like when you're playing hearthstone you can kind of think about like you have a class right and your class is kind of like your occupation but the goal of the game is like independent of what class you're playing the goal of the game is to win and the class just simply gives you a certain set of tools to accomplish your goal and i think the purpose is not to be a mage the purpose is to win the game and if you are a mage then you need to be using like ice block and blizzard right does that make sense so i don't think that my occupation is my goal it's just i'm trying to help people in the way in which i'm helping people is like has to do with like my particular class it's almost like one of the you know the tavern brawls where you get like two classes you know so like what i am is like a mixture of two things like it's part monk and part doctor and i combine both of those to like have a set of cards that then i use to help people but the goal is really to help people but you don't have to do what i do does that make sense like i don't think yeah absolutely yeah i actually love when you make those comparisons of like our lives and video games like i've noticed you do it often on streams it just helps people relate a lot better so yeah i think there's deep deep wisdom within video games agreed so if video games would try to win what do you think winning would relate to in real life uh yeah so i mean for me or for other people for you i would like to hear your opinion i value sure so for me it's like i see people suffering and that matters to me so what i determine like what winning looks like comes from an internal sense like i see a lot of people you know i get messages and stuff and and i really am sorry that we didn't get back to you when you reached out to us but we just get like literally thousands of people reaching out to us and each of those messages i don't have time to read them all but like i try to read as many as i can i actually try to respond to as many as i can and i have a choice between responding to all the messages that that i get or having a job and twitch streaming and being with my kids and and every time i get one of those messages and i read it i see that someone is like suffering and lost and i feel like i should help them so that's what winning looks like to me it's like helping all these random people who are like messaging me and in a sense it's also helping the person that i used to be like i remember what i used to feel like and i remember feeling directionless and i remember so i have parents that are somewhat like yours i mean i'm the son of two physicians who are highly highly motivated and emphasized education and grades and you know my dad when i was growing up told i have an older brother so he said one of y'all is going to be a doctor and one of y'all is going to be a lawyer and those were our options and and so sound familiar yeah um so you know i i grew up and sort of also recognized that like i didn't value the things that my family members valued like i didn't care about being a doctor like i did it because of ego and i did it because when i was 15 and people asked me at like a party like you know my parents friends would ask me what do you want to be when you grow up and i would say doctor everyone would get impressed and they would like it was like i had accomplished something like they would give me praise for stating something that i wanted to be 15 years from now and that's a really bizarre reinforcement for a 15 year old you know yeah even now i notice it with my kids like when when my four-year-old says yeah i want to be a doctor when i grow up everyone's like so impressed and it's like so i i mean that's what drives me is like helping people and it it i think about the person that i used to be like when i grew up with my parents and you know they did the best that they could like i think yeah that was the formula that worked for them my dad grew up in a in basically like a 10-foot room where like eight people lived and at night time they would have to like literally sleep outside because there wasn't enough room for like everyone just like you can't sleep eight people in the 10-foot room 10 by 10 room um so that's kind of what i think about the person that i had i had been when i was lost and directionless and hopeless and didn't understand myself for life and i try to help that person because that's what all oh you know that's what the people are who reach out to me and that's what makes you happy the most that's what makes me happy the most that's what gives you that purpose in life gives me purpose but what makes me the happy mo the most is probably gaming and doing fun stuff and like watching tv like i get a an immense amount of well pleasure pleasure yeah i feel like pleasure and like feeling happy is not really the same though not for me at least how are they different like when you were describing those two uh just from your example if i had to choose like which one would make me happy playing video games or like doing something useful feeling my self-worth even if it's in terms of uh you know for selfish reasons but like i know i helped someone i would choose the second one like the second one actually would make me feel happy first one it's like little fixes of dopamine or something it's just it's nowhere close have you felt that have you felt that way before where you feel like you have meaning and worth uh actually yes i felt really good recently i felt really emotional about it too which doesn't happen to me often so um and it had to do with uh my decision to go back to school um you actually inspired me a lot to do that too um sorry about that what do you mean sorry about that i you have no idea like how good i felt after i like figure out that puzzle because i was trying to put like pieces together for a really long time but um i think i finally realized that um there's one thing i truly enjoy doing in life and i have some sort of skill for that i haven't even been noticing so much or at all actually just because i was like so carried away about what others want of me or like what others think or all of that so can you hold yes one second sorry hello yes give me a second sorry oh let me see if this is better okay there we go sorry mira apparently my mic was too quiet can you keep going uh yeah so you were saying that that you decided to start education uh yeah i decided to go back to school um so i got accepted for my master's degree congratulations yeah of psychology and neuroscience actually oh very cool what uh what um hold on let me just make sure that this audio stuff is okay is this okay i need to do it testing testing there okay um so you decided to get a degree in psychology and neuroscience congratulations thank you so i felt really strong about that one and yeah but i still don't feel a whole lot besides for that so it makes me think like is that because my body is trying to pull me in direction of like my career and just kind of showing me that this is what you should be doing this is what you should be focusing on why do you think it's your body showing you something well recently i found out that most of the emotions that we experience in it they all just kind of come in from our body and we have to live them through our bodies so i'm trying to listen a little bit more you know people call it the inner voice sometimes right so um i'm referring to my body as like my inner voice um and uh i lost my type of thought okay let me just think for a second okay what did you feel when you decided or when you got accepted to you said you felt something and that's not common for you or that you tend to be a little bit numb so what were you feeling about was it when you made the decision or when you got accepted to the program or when did you feel something uh actually both of them well i did feel really emotional when i got accepted because it was like a hard school to get accepted to so i was like damn you know i can do it i obviously felt proud of myself but um even before then i think i was just searching i kept i kept searching it was so hard i i just couldn't figure out like how to listen to myself how to like come up with decisions and opinions like is it my opinion is that what my mom wants my dad wants what my viewers want what like the world wants for me you know it's very hard sometimes to figure that out so as much as i was trying to get like information on that like how to learn to listen to yourself and like what you truly want from life it just turned out to be so difficult for me and i i couldn't really figure it out but with this specific example of me going back to school it just felt right and i'm not sure if it felt right because i kind of set myself up for it or it truly is that one thing that is supposed to be happening in my life like i'm finally making the right decision where do you get the idea that there's a right decision so you're trying to say there's no wrong decision and everything else is just an experience that's going to lead to no experience that's not what i'm saying i'm asking you where do you get the idea that there is a right decision because i feel an emotional response to something yes to something it's a very good answer okay is that how you usually figure out if you're making like the right move if you're feeling emotional about it i think when you feel emotional about something it signals that that has value to you in some way but i think a lot of the right decisions or something like a right decision that i've made come with bad emotions not necessarily good ones so how does it make it right decision that's a good point oh because in the long term it brings like actually a better outcome even though it sort of hurts in the moment is that what you're saying yeah sort of i mean i i think like for example if i think about grief right so if i have to let go of something that i care about um that can come with negative emotions but it can be the right thing to do so if we think about like let's say you're in a romantic relationship which is just not gonna work out or becomes difficult for any number of reasons and doesn't feel like the right thing to do even though you love that person and you really enjoy spending time with them but there could be like something that's more important than that relationship and so you have to give something up and that can hurt but it can still be the right thing to do but how do you know that that's the right thing to do how do you know you're not supposed to keep fighting for whatever relationship you have there however bad it is that's a great question so mira i'm going to answer that in a second the first thing i want to point out is that so usually when people come on stream i tend to ask more questions and give fewer answers and you seem to have a lot of questions which is perfectly fine do you think that the most helpful thing right now is for you to ask questions and for me to answer them is that helpful to you yes do you agree with me uh i think there are some upsides and some downsides can we split a 50-50 sure we don't have to can i share with you what i think the good things are about that and what the bad things are could be about that the first is that you know when i ask you where do you get the idea that there's a right answer um i was actually thinking a little bit about like you know you were raised to believe that there is like a formula for success right and and really what you what it seems like you've done is you've replaced their formula with success with the idea that you have a formula for success and it just needs to be your formula for success does that make sense like there's still a path there's a set of check boxes that if i do all of these things i'm going to feel happy the only difference is that before those check boxes were your parents check boxes and now you're trying to figure out what are your check boxes with me are you saying we should raise the check boxes i'm wondering whether that's a worthwhile proposition right so you're doing something which is very cool which is you're when i say something you're going through a set you're very smart you're going through a set of reasoning you're predicting where i'm leading you and then you're asking me whether the conclusion is correct do you see that like you're like when i ask you a question you're saying are you saying like you're going you're you're jumping ahead to the end of the road and you're basically saying is this what you're suggesting it's very intelligent a lot of do you think it's a waste of energy to what do you think what i'm doing there is a waste of energy should just kind of let it more become no i don't think it's a waste of energy i think it tells us a little bit about how you perceive problems in the world and i i don't think it's a waste of energy i think that you could be missing something along the way right because you're drawing conclusions from my questions so i ask you a question and then your response if you just literally listen to what your response is i'll ask you a question where do you get the idea that there's a formula for success and then your response is not where you get that idea your first response is are you saying dot dot dot so you're not actually answering a question about yourself you're trying to figure out what i think yeah because i have just value yeah maybe i should just go back to watching your streams yeah because i just want to know what you think i just kind of want to listen to you more right so let's just think about this for a second right like your problem is that you don't know what you want and your default answer is to listen to me more because i think you have a better idea of what those check boxes are and etc etc yes right but like maybe what you should do to figure out what you want is instead of looking from for the answer from me look for the answer from you so how does one do that effectively yeah great question so it starts by recognizing that like you're looking for answers fundamentally because this is the way you've been trained so like literally the reason i ask you the question where do you get the idea that there is a formula for success it's because like everywhere around you like even though you've figured out and this is huge for you by the way i think it's awesome that you figured this out that your formula for success is not your parents formula for success the next step is for you to figure out is there a formula for success and for a little while i was wondering like why are you asking me the questions that you're asking me right like you're it's kind of interesting because and and so when when you ask me did you have a moment where you know what you're supposed to be in the rest of your life and that presumes that such moments exist and that you find yourself and then you're you're set for life right like does that make sense you're kind of assuming that i had such a moment and my answer was actually yeah i've had several of those moments and i turned out to be wrong through several several of them so it's been my experience that there isn't a formula for success and that thinking in and of itself is the thing that's holding you back that you think that there is a answer but here's the thing i think it's wonderful that you're going to get a degree in psychology and neuroscience you're clearly very cerebral and very intelligent and very capable and i think that you're gonna be unsatisfied after this why because that's not where happiness comes from where does happiness come from where do you think it comes from okay we're going 50 50 it's your turn to answer oh what makes it hard for you to answer that question well i don't think i have a very clear idea i mean obviously it's gonna be subjective yeah good so like like now we have to think a little bit about this okay so now mira i'm gonna ask you a question i'll answer whatever questions you want okay but i just want to make this point so if you don't have a clear idea where does that clarity come from does it come from you or does it come from me let's just start there it should be coming from me but we're here right now and i'm talking to you with a clear intention of gaining knowledge so i would like to hear your point of view first and hopefully they'll help me understand myself a little better yeah so i'm fine with that if that's really what you want to do but like let's just think about that for a second right like sure you can learn from me and hope to understand yourself a little bit better that's absolutely a really important source of knowledge because we like the whole reason that the aoe healing works is because other people like the whole idea behind healthy gamer is exactly what you just said that i can have a conversation with one person and that a thousand people watching at home can learn something that has nothing to do with an internal exploration they can see it in another person and they can learn from it right that's what we're here about now i get that you've watched our streams and that you've gained a lot from it and i i'm really i'm really glad that that's happened i'm happy for you and i'm also happy for myself that's why we do it and today of all days mira you have a different opportunity you can watch me answer questions for other people as much as you want to but today you have a very unique opportunity to explore yourself with my help and if that feels difficult for you like i get the sense that you're really resistant to doing that and i'm trying to understand why and i think it may have something to do with you being afraid that you don't know answers and it's hard for you to be ignorant in public that would be my hypothesis but i'd have to talk to you about it more just when i think about children of high functioning parents who are expected to get all a's not having the answer on stream is probably going to be hard for you what do you think okay um okay i hear you so um would you like me to answer the question about what happiness is for me first let me think about that so you said earlier that pleasure and happiness are different right yes so help me understand how you discovered that we're talking about pleasure um i can think about video games sex just little things like that it's it's something that is more physical and short term for me and happiness it's more of a mental long-term state okay so are you happy i'm happier than i was before yes um but i don't think it's my final form hmm so have you been happy before not in my final form no it's just what does that mean final form i think i have an idea of what i want in the future like how i feel in the future and that's what i mean by the final form so how do you even know that exists because i made it up right so but that's the thing right so like there's a part of me that wonders a little bit so i i do think that you can feel happier and more fulfilled than than you do right now if you say that you don't feel happy and fulfilled i i think the challenge is that you're chasing something from your imagination and in doing so you may miss out on sources of happiness that because you're looking for something right like if you think about are you do you mind if i ask you a couple of questions about relationships yeah go ahead are you in a relationship right now yes and is that when you think about a good what are you happy with your relationship i'm uh definitely happier than i have ever been in a relationship before yes okay so when we think about like what you imagine a good relationship like looks like and what your current relationship looks like before your current relationship when you envision what a good relationship is how similar is what you're doing now to what you envisioned oh i missed the first part uh before my current relationship yeah before you started your current relationship when you looked into the future and you said this is the kind of relationship that i want you created a fantasy or an ideal of what a relationship should be how similar is that ideal to what you're living now ooh really really close but not 100 which is why i'm i'm i'm having doubts about it it's like should we really settle if it's not 100 even if it's 99 you know is it is it really the one how do you know if it's not 100 are you just wasting time are you just settling what do you think ah i googled this so many times google didn't help yeah [Music] well google thinks if you have any um doubts at all like you probably shouldn't even be in that that's what google thinks what do you think i mean i'm just being really grateful to what the present is compared to the past but then again maybe i'm just settling down because i what do you think about settling are you okay with settling it depends if the worst thing is going to come yes but what if there's something better please okay so sorry for making you uncomfortable we don't have to talk about that more but i i think it's i think the feelings that you're having are very common in relationships right like most people in relationships think about whether this is the right like until you're married and even after you're married many people are you married okay um so you know i think it's completely normal and healthy to think about what else is out there because until you have those thoughts like you can't settle down with someone in a completely authentic way does that make sense like if i'm did you go through that too no so you always knew that your wife is the one like that's it that's somebody i want to live the rest of my life settle in i feel happy even if you have some moments like that's it did i know that she was the one sort of but it was also far from perfect from day one okay right so my point was that when i think about my ideal relationship it was very different from what i thought a relationship looked like so you say that your current relationship is pretty close to your ideal my ideal was very different and one of the things now i'll answer so one of the things that i've come to appreciate is that there isn't a formula for success and perfection is an idea and that i got a lot of happiness from letting go of perfection from letting you do that of looking for 100 but how did you get rid of that idea of like what if this is not my thing and i'm just well it's the idea that so it's the idea that something is your thing or isn't your thing that presumes that there's an objective truth to what's your thing and what isn't your thing no there's not huh right and this comes back to like where did you get the idea that there's a formula for success it's because i think deep within you you have this idea that things are done right or they're done wrong there is a right and there is a wrong there is a right way to be at school there's a right way to behave when your parents friends come over there's a right way to answer questions there's a right way to look there's a right way to present yourself and twitch reinforces that right right that there's a right way and there's a wrong way and the thing is mira you're not right or wrong you're you and they're going to be parts of you if you measure yourself against the scale of right and wrong you're not you're never going to be right like you can't be completely right you're just you you're flawed any relationship that you engage in is going to be flawed okay okay okay that makes sense but still there's got to be some sort of signs that you derive probably from within yourself to figure out if this person is your person and not your person if this is what i want to do in life like job-wise or not so how do i get like very sensitive to those feels like how do i get to listen to myself better yeah so i think that you are listening to yourself better i think you just need to listen for different things i think you're good at listening to yourself i think the issue is when you say is this what i'm supposed to do in life you can't know and no sense of yourself is going to tell you what you're supposed to do in life in a sense oddly enough what i would encourage you to do is like what are what is something telling you in the moment and then reflecting on that so like is is getting a master's degree in psychology and neuroscience supposed to be what you do in life i'm not sure but i think it's a wonderful thing for you to do now and that was my whole point betw behind my earlier answers like i thought at the age of 21 that i wanted to become a monk and it felt so right for and me turned out to be like absolutely wrong oh that was one of the things that you said you accomplished and then you realized it was wrong yeah i decided at the age of 21 i wanted to become a monk two weeks after i tried to like give up my life and my teachers wouldn't quite take me yet i met the person who was gonna be my wife and i was like i'm gonna be celibate no more women i'm finished and then i met her and then i was really confused because you were kind of saying did i know she was the one like it was weird it was confusing because i didn't think there was gonna be a one does that make sense i let go of the idea of success i let go of the idea of a formula that was going to be right for me i was so wrong and it felt so right it felt so good it felt so wonderful that i was going to be this spiritually enlightened master one day and then i meet this girl and wow she is kind of hot no but no no no that's not for me that's not who i am that's for regular people and she was attractive and i just enjoyed being with her like our first date i didn't even realize it was a date like i was like yeah i'll like i'll take you to lunch like i'll i like if you like thai food like there's a really great restaurant so we like went to lunch and then 11 hours later i dropped her off and we just hung out the whole day and like there i was in my head feeling like this is wrong like not wrong but i was like oh yeah this is not anything like i had feelings in here that i was actively ignoring because i was doing the right thing like the right thing was to be a monk so i'm not going to have a relationship with this girl and so you never had you never had like any big doubts about her you never i had thousands of doubts that's exactly what i'm saying but like not about your relationship with her her you were sure about her you just not we're not sure how she was fitting into whatever idea of your life you had at the moment no the whole problem was that she wasn't fitting into my idea of my life right yeah but you still felt like she is right for you yeah i don't understand what i feel that now i don't know that i felt that then right so i didn't understand what i felt that and i still don't really know exactly what it was looking back on it it makes sense hindsight is 20 20. but in the moment like this is why i'm pressing you to like look within yourself because in the moment like it's a mess and the other like the whole problem is you're thinking like how do i look within myself and find the right answer my point is that i don't think there's a right answer there's only like the best answer you can make today so there's no like technique or trick you can do to like feel out your inner voice better there are things you can do to hear out your inner voice but i think like you're still attached to this idea that there is a right answer out there and there's a secret formula to uncover what the right answer is and oddly enough you're not wrong there but i think what you really need to do is move away from the idea that you can get to a perfect answer can absolutely do things to better and if you want to learn a particular practice i will teach you a practice to enhance the strength of your inner voice and people think i'm a good psychiatrist but i've said this several times i'm not a i mean i'm a good psychiatrist but what makes me exceptional is not that i'm a good psychiatrist what makes me exceptional is that i do practices literally the bulk of my spiritual practice is about cultivating my inner voice and that's what allows me to connect with people because like i have data that like other people don't have and i think that that's through my meditative practice so there's absolutely things you can do that that you can do and i'm happy to teach you that but i want you to be careful because it still presumes that there is a right answer like mira i think if you want to be happy in life you need to start making bad decisions you [Music] i think what you need to start doing is making imperfect decisions instead of looking for the right answer start accepting that like you can do the best thing you can do today and it may or may not work out and that over time if you do the best thing for you today tomorrow and the next day some of those are not going to work out some of them will work out and over time hopefully you'll find yourself in a situation where you're happy but that happiness is not something that can be chased it's something that's found right have you always been in tune with your inner voice or is it something you came to no yeah i mean i did years and years of meditative practice i was deaf to my inner voice for most of my life why were you deaf because i was like a normal gamer like i played video games all day and had no idea what i felt or how i felt that way and all i know is that every every night when i went to bed if i wasn't absolutely exhausted tons of emotions would come rushing up that i hated i got pissed off every single time my parents asked me how did your classes go today it pissed me off so much the worst part of my day would be like how did my classes go because they didn't go well and then i'd lie to them and i'd say everything's fine and i knew it was a lie and i knew everything wasn't fine and there was a part of me that was telling me hey man you're kind of up here and then what i did with that inner voice was stuff it way down by playing diablo 2 and warcraft 3. and wow and all kinds of other stuff you've been there done that so basically it's by meditating and just working on yourself you've got into practice that sensitivity within yourself sure that's the way to get sensitivity sure okay like there are particular practices which i believe you know i believe that different meditation techniques affect different functions of the brain in different ways there's some evidence to this i think there's some stuff on our discord we've uploaded some papers and stuff so they they've done like eeg studies you know what eg eeg is okay so eeg is measures the electrical activity of different parts of your brain and they've done studies on different meditation techniques that show that different meditation techniques create different patterns of electrical activity in your brain and the electrical activity in your brain is a reflection of which parts of your brain are quote-unquote turned off and which parts are turned on so different meditations activate different parts of the brain is kind of like a simplistic and frankly incorrect way of looking at it but that's not really incorrect it's just a simplistic way so if i were to go on your discord i can get more information about like what meditation i can do to help no you can get you can get scientific papers about the science behind whether meditation techniques affect different parts of the brain differently but if you want to know what meditation techniques to do i'm going to teach you because i know what you need to do so you can start with one or two practices and then we can go from there i'm happy to continue to teach you like from time to time thank you this helping at all yeah it is okay what are you hearing from me mira um first i was a little confused but yeah but i think it's because i had my own idea of like what you think i will what i thought you would say but you didn't give me a specific answer you kind of just marked my the answers that i was expecting out and so i was confused but now i'm just trying to like i'm really uh so that meditation that you just mentioned is it something that we can do in stream and then i can practice upstream as well absolutely okay and i don't need to do with someone else i can just do it by myself nope yeah you can do it by yourself okay so can you help me understand a little bit about what you're taking away from this um [Music] there's no formula i need to stop oh let's not say need maybe i shouldn't focus as much on specific steps i need to make i said need again why that's okay you like the word it's okay for some reason i don't like the word need they put pressure on me it puts pressure on me and i don't like that anyways um but that's how you feel right yeah i feel like i need i need i i need like that get that very strongly so the vibe that i got from you that i just need to chill the out and just kind of let things go and let things be which i thought i did last year it was very what was i i thought i was not doing anything i was just like traveling and enjoying life but so let's talk about that for a second i i think that you should live a life of intentionality so i don't think that you should chase pleasure and just chill the out what i'm saying is that you have this i get the sense mira that within you you have like there's like a mirror inside you with a whip and she's just whipping you forward with a whip and she's just whipping you forward she's like you need to grow and you need to find yourself and you need to find the right technique and you need to cultivate your inner voice and it's all like clouded by like this very positive like language like inner voice and discovering yourself but at the end of the day like you're whipping yourself forward you're pressuring yourself to find the answer the right answer find an answer what's the right formula for success what what are the check boxes that you need to check and it's a huge step forward to step away from your parents checkboxes but there's still the idea that there are check boxes and you're trying to live a perfect life you're trying to have perfection in your relationship you're saying it's like 99 of what you want but it may not be perfect like that's a problem right that you're you're looking for perfection but without the whip would there be any movement excellent question absolutely but this is the hard thing for for people like you and by people like you i mean people who have achieved this is the most difficult thing that i when i work with people who are high achievers the whip is what gets them to where they are and so the question is how can you care about something without the whip that make sense so you're saying the energy can still come within you without you pushing like forcing yourself to do things absolutely right and so so this is the thing the reason that you don't know what you want is because you're not aware of that thing like that's exactly what we're talking about this entire time is that there is a force within you that can propel you forward without whipping you it's something that you gravitate towards it's what feels right it's what makes you happy it's your internal compass it's your internal voice but you have lived a life where you have whipped yourself towards a particular external goal that you have lost sight of like what your internal compasses and even the way that you find your internal compass is still whipping do you see that like you're asking me for the perfect technique to find your internal compass that in and of itself is an external goal that you have an idealized answer for you see that does that make sense yes it does right like that yeah how does one get rid of the whip you tell me well realizing it is already a step forward right knowing that there is one and that doesn't maybe it's just not optimal for me it's not the best way to go around it because you know how they say that there are different ways to get people to do things and like if you if you choose the stressful one through like fear intimidation manipulation whatever it's not as effective as opposed to when you inspire them or like all of your answers are coming from the outside mira they're coming you're smart so you've read a lot of things and you're quoting a lot of theory it's very very intellectual it's not that right right it's not wrong but it's incomplete it's all coming from up here and when i ask you questions like what do you want like it's really hard for you to answer that and this is like where the numbness comes from like the numbness is because like you don't know what's going on in here right so i think oddly enough like the way that you need to answer that question is to look for yourself like don't look for i mean i'm going to teach you a technique because i think you have a very good temperament for this and i think it'll help you a lot but at the same time start to recognize that like the way that you need to find that answer is by trying things and up for a few times right and and when i ask you have you been happy before and you say no i don't believe that i think you've been happy basically you said you haven't had your final form of happiness which implies that like you're saying like yeah it's kind of like asking have you ever been um have you ever had like a great horse ride and then you say yeah i've had like some pretty good like horseback riding sessions but i've never ridden a unicorn before that would be nice to ride a unicorn absolutely it would be nice to write a unicorn but what i'm saying is that like you're looking for answers from happiness from the outside but like there is no doubt in my mind that there have been moments of time where you've been like purely happy and what you need to look for in terms of like where to go is like go back and look at those times and i wouldn't be surprised if they're confusing because they may not be what you thought they would look like and we're not talking about playing hearthstone or sex or other dopaminergic pleasurable things we're talking about a moment of pure surprise joy and happiness where you stopped thinking about expectations and you felt present and you loved being where you were for a moment is that weird that normally i only by myself no not at all but see that's an important revelation like i think it's telling that your question was is it weird right that's telling me that like what you're discovering is running a little bit contrary to what you believe because otherwise you would have said yeah it was mostly when it's by myself you said is it weird you're asking for confirmation because it seems a little bit confusing which is exactly where you need to go so tell me about that don't come up with the right answer just give me the answer that you've got yes don't pull that with me give me the imperfect answer what were you thinking about when you said it was is it weird that it was by myself um i mean society does tend to judge that but i i truly feel i feel like my happiest moments were just with myself like when you started like mentioning oh it's not true that you didn't feel happy i was like this i started just kind of like going through that briefly and most of them are by myself and can you can you give me an actual example yeah like what um like when i go to forest well there were a few like really intense ones but basically most of them were just in the nature and without anyone around people just i don't i don't like people very much i don't like being around people very much uh and it's pr it's probably me um my bad like communicated communication skills and stuff but yeah maybe me trying to so so many questions i haven't had like so many things i just want to ask you it's weird right you're asking me a question but instead i would just want to say this this is your opinion it's like well me trying to become a psychologist will that get in the way the fact that i don't really like being around people but at the same time i feel so fulfilled when i can talk to someone and like help one way or another uh that's just like a random thought that just was there good now you're making progress what what else do you have i don't know if i should say it while we're streaming okay i i don't i don't know people tend to get really weird on twitch about stuff i i have ptsd a little bit from twitch okay it's been a while okay i don't know whether you should or shouldn't say it because i know less about twitch than you do and i don't know what's in your head but anyway so maybe move on to the next thing like like what other questions do you [Music] have [Music] sorry i'm a little slow so i'm just like processing some of the things that you said and uh yeah not slow mira you're doing it this is what you're here to do right this whole time you've had a thousand questions for me and now i'm asking you what are your questions and you're slow this is what exploration looks like this is what looking within yourself looks like [Music] i mean if a person let's say the person just ends up living the life just by finding like a good job and not necessarily like build up good relationships or like meaningful relationships in life like without getting married or having kids that's totally fine too right that doesn't have to be yeah but that's me setting up again like a checkbox like okay then this is my plan i'm gonna get yeah no no but i i don't think that's you setting up a checkbox if you really listen to that question what that question is asking is can i be happy if i don't check all the boxes that's the question you need to be asking do you see that like that that scenario is actually letting go of a few of the boxes it's erasing a couple of the boxes yeah i mean i feel like relationships are overrated anyways yeah so sorry i'm just i'm not i'm not voicing it but i just have a bunch of things going on okay good because i i still have a filter because uh with streaming and um i i understand that we need to stream because it's useful when people listen to our conversations and can we learn something else but like i have to filter myself like when it comes to what i say okay i feel like i need to fine let's just respect that for a moment okay um and so one or two other so one or two thoughts so like you're asking a couple of questions which i think are good and you're making a couple of observations which i think are good i'm happy to still teach you about how to find your inner voice and all that stuff but i think this is actually the most important thing that you're doing right now so you're noticing that actually when i'm happy like it's in the woods and also like the idea of being a psychologist and working with someone feels very gratifying or when i've had very intimate connections with people and helped them in a significant way it feels like it gives my life meaning all that makes sense so i'm gonna try to toss out one way to understand that i think the biggest thing about those two things i don't think you need to be in the woods i think you need to be free from expectation because what i'm hearing from you time and time and time again is that twitch your parents and other people in your life have lots and lots of expectations with for for you and then you take those expectations and you internalize them in the check boxes are you good enough are you pretty enough are you smart enough are you you know sharing enough are you not sharing enough and and you're so full of expectation finding your final form of happiness and and you know setting all these bars for yourself that like you just don't know how to be except sometimes in your life you are put in a particular place where expectation has no it just doesn't compute like when you're with trees like what do they expect of you like there's just no way like nature doesn't give a and that's why i think it's wonderful especially for people like you so for people who have issues with confidence and self-worth which i think way deep down i think you've got something going on there you're afraid of the judgment of others right and you have good reasons to be afraid of the judgment of others it sounds like i'm not saying you shouldn't be afraid of that but at the end of the day like nature doesn't give a like if you if you decide like i remember when i was also going through my growth and transformative period you know there was like i remember seeing this like 12 or 14 foot boulder it was just big and i was out hiking one day and i said like i'm gonna climb to the top of that whole boulder and and i tried to climb into the top and what do you think happened mira you fell no thankfully i didn't fall but i couldn't make it to the top i was just too out of shape and weak and how do you think i felt about how myself i feel if i couldn't climb a boulder i was trying to climb i would just keep climbing i would not give up i would figure yeah yeah so i did that for a while and then i realized that it was physically impossible did you try putting stuff around it to climb no i felt like that was cheating like i wanted to climb it you know yeah yeah how did you try to work out after that to get stronger and stuff sort of like for a day or two but then that fizzled how do you think i felt when i when i failed how does failure feel like i probably felt disappointed yeah right i felt weak and i was like yeah i need to work out and get into shape and things like that and then i remember this really strange moment where i like looked around and i looked around because i was like does everyone realize how out of shape i am was anyone watching and i was like oh like no one was watching and no one gives a and that like all of my disappointment like comes from me it doesn't come from anywhere else the boulder certainly doesn't give a but what if people were watching how would you feel ah so now people watch right and so what i learned that day is like most of the things that we beat ourselves up for come from us ultimately they all come from us and that you can learn a way to like literally become impervious to the criticism of others and that's what confidence is impervious is immune ice block okay so it's like i'm ice blocked like you can't hurt me anymore but that's what confidence is like when you when you derive a sense of self-worth from in here people can say whatever the they want to and it doesn't affect you your eyes blocked it's not that you're numb it's just that you realize that like they're allowed to have that opinion and it's not that they're wrong it's just i'm not going to let their opinions determine my value as a human being but what if they come what if they take that opinion even if it's not based on anything factual they group up they make the group larger and they use that let's call it one opinion just because it's not based on facts and they spread it all over the internet and you get that sounds awful a lot of negativity yes that's when you have to watch what you do and what you say right so so far i've been lucky enough to not have experienced that and i don't know if you know i i've dealt with criticism i've dealt with harsh criticism before i've dealt with criticism from people that are important to me and so far i've maintained my confidence i'm not saying i think if twitch tried to tear me down or the internet tried to tear me down they'd succeed because they're just that powerful i think the big difference though mira i really wonder when you say it's their opinion and it's not based on fact i would question that because one of the biggest sources of my confidence is when someone tells me something i don't assume that they're wrong i assume that they're right so if i get a criticism and there have been lots of people who criticized me since i started streaming on twitch i start with the premise of like maybe this person knows what they're talking about and then i test it and then i see like okay are there things about this criticism that are fair and sometimes the internet definitely like bandwagons onto things but i think like this is an important part of soul searching on your part that if like a lot of people think that you're doing something out of line you should at least be objective and like look and maybe you did do something out of line when i get criticisms i don't i don't assume that they're wrong i don't assume that i'm an expert it's like anyone is entitled to criticize me and they could be right but what if you looked into that you really reflect it and and you just don't see what they see whatsoever sure so practically what i do is i i try to engage people now i think that that can be hard so it's different from a man and a woman and it's different with the internet right so i think like there are some things that i've come to appreciate that are different about gender but generally speaking if i don't understand someone's criticism i will actually make a full faith effort to ask and then you know say like hey i really don't get this right like i don't understand why like i'll give you an example so one of i'm working with someone who has a parent who's upset about my work because their child is doing something that they don't want them to do and their child is doing something that's objectively bad and they kind of blame me for it they're like since he's seeing you and we're paying you a ton of money like aren't you supposed to prevent this kind of and so then like i kind of you know there's a part of me that says like i don't think you guys understand like i'm not responsible for your child's behavior your child is responsible for your child's behavior but you guys think that you know their parents a lot like yours who think that their child should behave a certain way that there's a right and there's a wrong there's no sense of agency there's just like there's a right and there's a wrong and if there's a problem we throw money at it and we find the best person out there and he fixes it and the problem goes away like they don't get that like the problem here is that like you guys can't communicate with your child and he doesn't respect you because you guys don't respect him but i'll definitely stop and ask them you know that's what i think and it's actually i believe that because i talked to them and i was like well what do you guys think you guys think that i'm i'm letting your son down and i'm letting you down so like tell me about in what ways and am i letting you down and they said like this this this and like we thought this would happen and it actually turned out that they had a couple of very good criticisms you know i realized like oh actually during covet i haven't been checking up with him because he has been doing better and it's been a stressful time so i can do better at that am i responsible for their son's behavior no but can i do better absolutely does that make sense yeah i'm just trying to apply it to my situation so here okay so yeah i like that you brought that part up about any criticism regardless of how stupid or not factual i think it is you can still derive something like really reflecting that but imagine with that even though you're just telling me what we're talking about like do you want to just tell me what the internet got pissed at you about i mean there's just so much stuff i it's not even that it's like i i pretty much forgot all about it but i want to make sure that in the future i have like a better formula to react to stuff which is why i'm asking you so that's one way of it but you know sometimes people are just so unhappy like those parents let's say they just had their own issues and they just want to take it out on someone they they're struggling with their son they don't want to take responsibility they're very immature themselves and they put it on you like why do you need to put up with that and let's say they also talking to everyone around saying how bad of a psychiatrist you are why do you need to put up with that you don't need to put up with that does it affect you absolutely do i ignore it no i mean so i don't ignore it i try to address their concerns directly and if there's a population that matters i will address it with the population as well so for example like if people complain to my boss which has happened before i will go to my boss and you know there's a part of that that feels hurtful but then i'll go to my boss and i'll explain my side of the story and then there are also times where like you know i've been in conflict with people and you don't ignore it but you also like address it directly and then you can walk away like i think now we're speaking so abstractly that i don't know if it really makes sense but you know so i'll give you just a very clear example so i had an issue with i was about to take a job and we got down to defining what my title was and i felt like the title that they were giving me was not appropriate for the kind of work that i was doing and so there were a lot of people who were my mentors and stuff who thought who basically told me they're like the title really doesn't matter like you should just do it and you'll get the title that you want in a few years and then i kind of took issue with that and i said well this title is actually not the title for the job that i'm doing and i want the title for the job that i'm doing it's not about ego it's about like this is what i'm doing and i want a title that's commensurate with that and they took an issue with that and so then i said goodbye so there wasn't any confrontation you didn't feel i felt disrespected right i felt taken advantage of and i felt betrayed because these were people who and i think they still do care about me they genuinely do they've been incredibly supportive for years and years and years and i'm sure they think i'm egotistical because after everything they had done for me i walked away but i just didn't think it was fair right so i think if you're dealing with like venom from the internet like you have to be like centered in here and the more you're centered in here the less the criticisms matter to you like if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing and you really didn't do anything wrong chances are i mean i mean there were things that i did that were out of line and stuff like that so you reflect on those and you grow from them you even concede those points but i find that you know generally speaking like even with twitch chat like there have been times where i've made mistakes of course and what i usually do is like i don't know i mean i don't know how often this is actually i apologize a fair amount on stream and usually i find that the internet is like actually a bizarrely understanding place like i respect twitch chat a lot like i don't think they're a bunch of mindless noobs who are haters i think you've got to be careful because there certainly are communities of people who are very toxic and they can hate you yep do you think there's prejudice towards uh women because absolutely people like i said males young males i can't really relate absolutely right so i said that at the get-go like i can get away with some things because i'm a man and you're gonna get a different shake and that's unfortunate like i can't and i can't pretend to say that what i can do is doable for you because like i think you just deal with more venom than i do right like yeah sometimes i really question if it's a waste of energy to even respond but like if you don't put your five cents in people you will just say oh okay whatever is going on it's right but mira the only way i find frustrating about this conversation is that i don't know what you're talking about and i feel like if i understood what you were talking about then it would be like way easier to like actually because we're talking about hypotheticals yeah but we use your situation it was perfect because like i actually the first example with the parents it was actually perfect like i i really don't want to go into that okay because i don't know you know it's water under the bridge so well i don't think it is though i don't think it's water under the bridge because whatever happened there shapes the way that you look at the world and shapes who you are today of course i'm like so careful right now about everything i avoid any type of collaborate with like any any streamer at this point you're probably the only the first streamer i talked to in like two years like i've been streaming on my own since then it's just and now i find myself being incredibly curious which i i'm not trying to push you i'm just sharing my feelings okay so please i mean i i can imagine you're gonna feel pushed so be aware of that now i find myself like what the actually happened with you mira like what happened you don't have to answer that that's just like i hear you saying i haven't talked to streamers in two years and it's like holy like what is this girl gone through what happened to her that's my that's my reaction when i hear you say that and you've been dodging questions from the get-go and i i'm fine with that like every time i ask you a question like you know your default is to ask me you've been deflecting this whole time which is fine i i get that you this has been a place where you've gotten screwed and attacked so of course you're going to be doing that i think yeah i feel like it doesn't matter what i say like there's just a lot of prejudice at this point so it's better not to talk about it at all that pisses me off so much because i do not want to live in a world where it does not matter what you say like that's not right your words should always have value and like i don't want you to believe that about yourself like however prejudiced it is but like don't believe for a second that your words don't matter because they do yeah i guess maybe because i didn't express like i said i am generally pretty bad at communicating with people you know sometimes you want to say something you feel a certain way but it comes out completely different and people uh take it differently so maybe because i didn't do it correctly in the past like whenever i try to say what i wanted to say just always turn out to be not good so well like i'm talking about the situations that we're not you know like sticky iffy situations so i think it's just best to probably okay i'm sorry if i pushed you in a way that was like made you uncomfortable um i no you you didn't i it did remind me a little bit of like how unfair some situations were and i'm like and it's still sitting there i can feel that emotional response but it's not really what i wanted to talk to uh to talk about on stream today that's not it's in the past um i i feel like i'm i want to focus more like the present and like what's going on right now and how much progress i made mira i i know like i'm not i'm sorry if i'm you got to really let me know if i'm like doing something that's that's disrespectful but i don't think it's in the past right like we're well this whole conversation is about you looking inside and finding answers within yourself but this is inside you and you're looking away from it you've been looking away from this your entire life like like and and the thing the problem i mean there's so many subtle things that are actually like really really terrifying to hear you say right like to hear you say that your words don't matter and i have no doubt in my mind that like when you were growing up with your parents you felt the exact same way but the whole thing the whole point is that you do matter and what you feel on the inside is important and if people hurt you that's not okay if they were unfair to you that's not okay and i want you to to find a place within yourself where you can sit with that and say that sometimes people are on the outside but it is not a reflection of who i am as a person that what you want in life is important and that your words absolutely do matter and you are intelligent and you're capable and you care about people and you're moving the right forward in the right direction in life which i think is amazing given all the that you had to deal with growing up with a life where you've been given check boxes and then being in a place like being a public figure where the world judges you for what comes out of your mouth is terrifying and for you to like start to discover your own path and to to a certain degree move past all that is amazing sorry sorry i should be apologizing because you've signaled to me several times that this is an uncomfortable topic for you and i just can't let this go because like i don't want to let this go because it's not water under the bridge right it's water that's flooded your basement and it doesn't belong there and it's got to get cleaned out because you deserve to be happy in life well i think this is one of the battles i cannot win you can't change their mind but you can acknowledge for yourself that it hurts and you can let it go you can still speak your truth and take solace in the fact that like you were confident in who you are and that you spoke your truth and that other people are not willing to listen right now i think the problem is that their opinions of you affect the way that you view yourself expectation that's why the trees are so happy for you because you don't have to deal with any of that the trees are wonderful yeah but uh yeah to some degree it does affect me there were some points sometimes in my life where i was googling again and why a psychopath or seeing a therapist or generally asking my psychopath and when she was saying no i was like how do you know if i'm a psychopath you wouldn't know i would trick you so twitch chat really makes you put some funny ideas in your head huh yeah so i think um i mean if it's any consolation i'm kind of a psychopath take that for what it's worth but um in which way so i think so we got to do a stream about psychopathy and sociopathy because it's been coming up time and again but like i would love to watch that so you know i think i think doing so what what a sociopath or psychopath is someone who is able to separate their emotions or not feel emotions when they act in certain ways that's superior that's superior this is not bad yeah i don't think that sociopathy is necessarily bad why is it perceived as bad because some people because sometimes it leads to predatory stuff right so like people who can separate their emotions are able to hurt and take advantage of people in a way that people who cannot separate themselves from their emotions can't so if i was free from all kinds of guilt it's way easier for me to be a criminal right but if you test people for sociopathy you find that politicians test highly on the sociopathy scale but also physicians surgeons and psychiatrists surgeons and psychiatrists are the two types of physicians who test the most highly and it's just because in my case like if i got overwhelmed by all of the emotions that i feel with people i couldn't be able to help anyone of course right yeah so being able to separate yourself from your emotions is a little bit of an adaptive strategy and in your case this comes back to the numbness like why do you feel numb it's because you've got in there that you don't want to feel and the whole point of like if you want to talk about how to find happiness you can't be numb on the inside but the problem is that you've got so much down there that you turn down the volume it's kind of like i want you to imagine this for a second right let's say you've got a radio and there's a station that's playing really bad music and there's a station that's playing really good music and how do you deal with the really bad music you turn the volume all the way down and then you can't listen to the good music either because the volume is turned all the way down okay in order for you to be happy you have to stop being numb but the problem is that in order for you if you stop being numb you're gonna dig into all this that you say is water on the bridge it's not water under the bridge it was water under the bridge you wouldn't be feeling whatever you've been feeling for the last couple of minutes and if people treated you bad like you should feel bad about that and you should feel sorrow and you should say that's not unfair and you should receive comfort and if you up in some way you should be reflective and you should be honest with yourself about whether you made mistakes or not and you should learn from that and then let it truly be water under the bridge and then you can be happy [Music] your daughters are adorable by the way one second hold on [Music] why are you all wet that's why she was laughing okay it's okay i'll keep her for five times yeah yeah that's fine yeah we're just gonna meditate why are you all wet okay avi why are you all wet okay um so hello hold on a second can i have these no no no but how am i supposed to seriously you're soaked okay sorry mira give me just one second okay hold on hello how are you at do you want to talk to the lady how did you get with this daddy needs to teach this mirror to meditate can can daddy teach me something to meditate you want to meditate with us okay hey hey i can't blame her evie can you guys even see her okay avi let me get can i have can i have it back no okay mira i can't hear you but i can still try to teach you how to baby can i have this please okay we're gonna go ahead and we'll we'll do this let's try to do oh my god we're gonna have reverb if i unplug it you smell like soap just give me a minute okay i'm gonna try to drop her off okay let's go let's go play something you can go play something okay okay go go go go go go go go go go she's so cute okay okay yep all right mira questions sorry about that um let's fix your hair crazy banana can you hear me okay yeah um is it okay if you just chills here for a second of course yeah what's her name her name is avi [Music] hmm thoughts or questions sorry i was you know talking at you for a while it's a pop filter sweetie can sure feel it okay let's step outside for a minute and then daddy's gonna daddy's almost done and then we can play something okay but can you go be outside for a little bit can i finish up [Music] okay [Music] they get so confused when i'm home and now we're home all the time so they don't understand when it's play time and when it's not play time yeah i get it i get it so do you think it's important that i i really don't want to go into that so if there's any type of i guess negative emotion from the past do you really think i need to like do more work on that and i guess try to close that gift i mean it doesn't have to be now but if if it sits with you still like you you owe it to yourself to be unburdened of that right i can't just like move on from that that doesn't really work like that um sorry i'm so sorry about this mira i don't know if there give me a second okay i'm sorry this [Music] i'm really sorry about that mirror you were saying do you have to you ha do you have to deal with those emotions uh yeah i mean it's been a while and i sort of moved on from that but um you know you kind of brought up a few questions and erased emotions in me so you're saying this will keep effect in my overall state somewhere there this is going to keep sitting and i need to clean it up absolutely cleaning it up may not be as hard as you think it is though well see when i try to talk to a therapist about this most of times they don't even get that stuff and i mean talking to people that cause the negativity in my life is definitely useless so a good way to be just ignoring it i guess close enough well so processing emotions doesn't have to happen through talking about them so i think like this is where something like a good meditative practice could help but you know if you're going to become a psychologist at some point oftentimes the training of becoming a psychologist involves like doing therapy yourself like being a client or patient in therapy i'm not saying you have to deal with it now and it doesn't necessarily have to be with a professional although i think that's good and i'm surprised to hear that you say that you know therapists don't understand this stuff you know twitch and gaming and like so far from what like normies i shouldn't say normally like normal people yeah life are like they it's hard for them to relate usually well yeah but i mean i think a good therapist is like there are a lot of things i mean i have a lot of clients that i don't relate to because i can't understand like take for example you like i can't understand i've never been crucified on the internet before i'm not a woman on the internet and are going to be fundamental things about your experience that i will never be able to understand right like how can i know what it's like to be a woman on the internet because that's very different from being a man on the internet how do you advise in situations like that you just do it for the best of your knowledge yeah so so if you don't know like but in order to help someone you don't have to be able to relate to them fully right you just need to be able to support them uh you kind of like lead them in the through the process right and they do not even lead them but like for example you know when i have a client who talks about postpartum depression i have no idea what postpartum depression is like like i can't even begin to understand postpartum depression because i can't begin to like understand what it's like to be pregnant and when i talk when i work with women with postpartum depression they'll say things like you know they'll feel like bad mothers like they're not a good mother and like i can't i don't know what that feels like right like i don't know what it's like when you can't breastfeed a child and people judge you for not breastfeeding because breastfeeding is healthier than bottle feeding and all that kind of crap there's a lot of stuff that i can't understand but it doesn't mean that i can't help people and and the this is the beauty is that like actually mira like you don't need someone to teach you and this is the whole thing you're looking for me for answers like i think you grossly underestimate what you yourself are capable of you don't need someone who's gone through your experience and it's bad on their part if they didn't help you understand this or maybe they didn't you just didn't have a good connection with them but like you're gonna you're able to do most of this work on your own like you need some help and some support you need a space more than anything else you need space to do this work and that can come from trees it can come from meditative practice it can come from a person and you need to feel those things and then like recognize that you were hurt and that you know you're scarred and also let yourself recognize that it doesn't make you a bad person that there have been may have been mistakes that you you made there may have been things that you did that were callous what is callus callus is like unfeeling right like you you may have you may have done things without the consideration of other people's feelings ah okay but that too doesn't it doesn't mean that you're a sociopath a lot of times when people are mean to other people it comes from hurt and so like if you did lash out in some way or you were mean to people in some way like does that come from hurt or does that come from you being a bad person because somewhere inside you right now is this idea that you're not good enough or you're a bad person or something i don't really know like there's something in there about the way that you view yourself where you have this like very very like relentless focus on positivity and finding the right answer but like why do you need the right answer like why do you need to be better like why can't you just be content with the person that you are because there's something within you that's like deeply discontent and what is that and why aren't you happy right now what's missing from your life is it something external or is it something do you believe that something that you do in the outside world is gonna make a certain feeling in here go away it's honestly not that i feel like i'm a bad person i feel bad about myself it's that whip that's telling me that i need to progress i need to keep going just get better get better just fix everything be perfect get to that final form that's what it is yeah right but if you think about that if you feel like you have to get better you're not happy with who you are those two things come hand in hand yeah definitely not fully and so how can you learn to be happier and what is it that has taught you to be unhappy with who you are because that's learned top of the list is tiger parents honestly it's just the society around i feel so good by myself like it's when i interact with other people not always but like there's some interactions with other people it just brings so much traction and i'm just like oh yeah being by yourself or somewhere in the nature just it's that's good so absolutely i'm not a social human being i guess no i don't know that it's your social human being i think you're a human being who's been hurt by other human beings so what if those human beings think that i heard them they felt hurt by you i i don't know maybe you were just not compatible possibly sure but you have to acknowledge the possibility that you did hurt them and maybe that's what you're steering away from so right mira we can definitely have you know we can i'm gonna have to get going in a couple of minutes and i definitely want to teach you to meditate and i want to give you a chance to ask questions if you have questions um but let me try to like tie things up for you so the first thing is i think that you're on a wonderful path and i you know i really am rooting for you um i don't know exactly what happened i'm not i sort of sometimes i wonder whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that i'm not too familiar with like who people are on twitch um but i think it's wonderful that you're like exploring this and you're trying to figure out what you want to do and that you want to help other people very concretely i think you should spend some time being happy on your own like with trees and stuff and the cool thing is like if you let some of these emotions up i think the trees are going to help you with those and you kind of let it up and you let it out and you leave them with the trees the trees will take it they have no problem with it and then you kind of come back and then i think that you've just been hurt like you're someone who's been traumatized right and you've gotta like you can't trauma water under the bridge is not is a lot of times what trauma feels like but it's not really like under the bridge it's just in the basement it's not truly gone it's just tucked away and i think i can feel it on my own right if i just spend time with nature and just the good things i hope so i hope so but maybe you can't i don't know right yeah and and you know i think there are definitely some techniques that i can teach you today which hopefully will give you a better understanding of yourself these techniques are not geared towards understanding i mean they're not geared towards healing they're geared towards understanding and yeah i mean i think that i i don't know that you're gonna be able to heal it on yourself and even then we see a subtle example of your thought process which is this ideal of you being healed like can you accept that you may never be fully healed you'll never get back to 100 hp you know that you'll get to 90. like that comes back to this once again your final form of a perfect healed like that's the problem is like you you have to accept that you're going to be flawed right right okay so thoughts questions before we meditate let's get to it okay so um let me first ask you do you wanna have you done like breath oriented meditation before um i tried one hot one okay um so i have two techniques both of which i've kind of taught i think on stream before so some of this may be familiar have you seen the charging the laser beam technique that's what people call it here okay so i'm going to teach you a form of meditation that is focused on your agna chakra agna chakra is your third eye i like that x in there these are third eye meditations and if you have the option to like if you ever join like a yoga classroom meditation class and people have can teach you third eye meditations i would learn those because i think you have a talent for it um so the technique is kind of weird so i want you to take your middle finger sit up straight take your middle finger is it okay that i'm cross-legged yeah cross-legged is great i'm actually going to sit cross-legged myself so take your middle finger close your eyes sit up straight keep your neck straight and i want you to hover your middle finger above yeah a little bit further down yeah right there close your eyes don't touch your forehead just hover it right above your forehead and then focus on the sensation on your forehead do you feel anything on your forehead with your finger hovering above it i feel my left leg is falling asleep okay you can adjust positions if you need to but just focus on the spot between your eyebrows okay so hover means like one sorry english is your second language like a millimeter away center or okay and if you don't feel anything you can move a little bit closer but you don't want to touch and just concentrate on the point between your eyebrows maybe a few millimeters above the center of your eyebrows and hover your right hand middle finger above it and now go ahead and let your hand rest come down keep your eyes closed and focus on that point in your forehead try to send your attention and your focus into that point my headphones died sorry no problem just focus your attention on the center of your forehead kind of between your eyebrows and tell me if you feel anything i think i feel i feel warmth in my face but i think it's because i'm just hot right now okay so notice that sensation and return your concentration to the to the eyebrow center and now take a deep breath in and notice the air as it enters your nose and notice the air as it leaves and now with a breath inward imagine the breath going up to that point between your eyebrows feel the coolness of the air as it enters your nose travels up and now let your concentration return to the point between your eyebrows let go of the breath and bring your finger up again and point it at the spot uh bring it down let your hand come down concentrate on the spot and now we'll bring the practice to a close put your palms together in front of you i kind of like a namaste perfect rub them together so you feel heat and warmth and friction fast fast fast fast fast fast fast and then come over your eyes cup your hands over your eyes take a deep breath and as you exhale slowly open your eyes and let your hands come down when you're ready how do you feel i feel a little bit lighter i do have a lot of images going on through my mind though when i close my eyes uh do you have that too when you meditate not usually what do you mean by images like first when you told me to put my finger here and i really started focusing on there with my eyes closed i saw that i had a big bolt going through my hat then as i started breathing deeply in and it said to push that air through it i kind of pushed the bullet out with the breath and i just had a hole so i was thinking about the hole that i have in there and my scalp and then you told me to put the finger there again and i put it all the way through and i started i had my hand and my head and going all the way through my body it's just i have a lot of images in my head usually when i take yeah good sounds good to me yeah i think everyone's experience of these techniques is different but some of the sensations that you're describing to me make sense and like i think you're doing it right basically and and if you have those images let those images come and see you know not that you should analyze them too too extensively but if you want to reflect on their meaning that's fine and try to do the practice for let's say three to five minutes and then eventually work your way up to 10 or 15 minutes i would shoot for three times a week although if you want to be ambitious and do every day that's fine and then also go ahead does it matter when i do that so the short answer is any time is good but sometimes are better dawn and dusk are the best times for meditation there's some interesting stuff around circadian rhythm cortisol levels and like your body's natural cycle and dawn and dusk are very attuned for mental or spiritual activity so if that's doable you know meditate at sunrise or sunset should i try not to think about anything okay sorry excuse me for a second [Music] i think i should let dr k go you were saying should i try not to think about anything all right if i do have this feeling right yeah so as you have thoughts you can kind of notice your thoughts but don't get caught up in them right and then you know you can have a thought and then let your attention return to your forehead or your practice so your attention is going to go away and then it'll come back and then if you have images you can sit with those images i think that's fine images or sensations just sit with those and then a thought may happen but like an image is not exactly a thought does that make sense right so i shouldn't try to block them i can play with them right yeah sure play with them and then then don't you'll you'll see i mean you'll let yourself you can kind of play around with it i think play with them is actually the perfect thing to do but don't get caught up in them unless it feels like don't get caught up in thoughts and then after meditation you may find that some of these thoughts or sensations or feelings start to arise and if they arise after your meditation or before your meditation or even during your meditation you can let them come up don't get but don't go down the rabbit hole with them and if you want to reflect or process or something like that you can do that but i'd say especially after meditation is when you should let your mind be active and think and try to understand and reflect on what your experience has been okay and in your case especially i don't know that it's so much about time but i do imagine it's about location so i don't know where you live or what the state of germa you said you're in germany yeah what germany is like but if you have access to trees i would strongly strongly recommend that you make this practice part of like even an hour-long thing where you go outside you hike for a while you find a spot sit down meditate for like 15 or 20 minutes and then you know let those thoughts come up and those feelings come up and then leave them with the trees and then come back a little bit lighter yeah i'll do that thank you strong work today thank you so much any final thoughts or questions before we wrap up uh just please keep streaming i absolutely love what you do it's just so helpful to so many people watching your streams just please keep doing this cool will do all right thank you take care and good luck mira we're i'm really rooting for you okay and if you run into if you have questions about meditation or something like shoot me a dm and and we can talk about it okay all right all right take care bye-bye okay [Music] so okay sorry about all the interruptions guys i don't i think my daughter's having a rough day today um and so she's just you know it's confusing for her because i'm at home and she doesn't understand when she can play with me and when she can't so i apologize if that kind of disrupted things i think it sort of pulled mirror off the hook though because she was getting you know we were going into some um pulled her off the hook is maybe not the right term but you know i think it was timely that she went to a place that was important for her and then also got a break from it which is important right we don't want to just like swim around down there we want to we want to we want to go there for a time and feel those feelings and then also take a break for a time right we don't want to like jump into the ocean and live in the ocean we want to go for a quick dip and then come out and dry off and then go again and then dry off and the more times you do that the better you'll get it swimming so unfortunately um daughters are the raid boss dude let me tell you what um we're unfortunately i don't have time with all those interruptions for q a today but uh just a quick reminder that on friday we're going to have will sue who's going to be talking about psychedelics he's a buddy of mine out in la um also a harvard trained physician who's an expert in psychedelics for both medical and non-medical uses so a big thing that's interesting about will so will's a psychiatrist um is that he's actually a proponent he thinks that psychedelics are becoming overly medicalized and believes that they have value outside of like treatment of ptsd and depression and thinks that they can be useful tools for growth and understanding and self-development so we're going to have him on stream on friday and i don't know exactly i mean like i'm not going to interview him the way that i do normal people but he's just going to share his perspective because it's something that our community is really interested in and i'm an expert in a lot of things but um you know he's definitely more knowledgeable than i am so he's he's offered to come on and and talk to us um and thank you guys very much for all of the support you guys have given uh i saw we had you know some gifted subs and things like that i really appreciate that twitch prime subs donations all that stuff really helps um and and i i appreciate everyone who's offered to come on stream and has come on stream and and shared their difficulties even though it's clearly hard for them and you know i struggle a little bit about being respectful and being authentic so i apologize if if i i step out of line there and if you guys feel like i do something out of line um you know please let me know and i'm i'm happy to consider it or reconsider my actions last thing is uh friday also marks the kickoff of mental health awareness month and healthy gamer is we're going to be trying to raise some money to support our coaching program which is to help people work through stuff kind of the way that they work through things with me but i'm training coaches and so we're going to be doing some fundraising around that and so hopefully y'all uh you know around that month and we're gonna try to do a couple of other things um you know some more fun stuff cosplays etc and let's go ahead and send some love to dylan kg who's a small time streamer but apparently is awesome so let's raid the out of him and our aoe our raid message is always is aoe healing so send some love to dylan and take care of yourselves i'll see you guys on friday [Music]

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 123,527

Keywords: drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, twitch mira, twitch mitch jones, twitch drama, twitch mental health

Id: eZXV0nNfdsw

Length: 127min 15sec (7635 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 30 2020