Talking with Fuslie | Dr. K Interviews

foosley hello hello it's working am i it might be able to be heard hello yes it is working wonderfully this is very surreal already oh no what is surreal about it wait what is happening are you aware of something oh no no it's because i i've seen a lot of your uh your episodes i watched them on youtube who knows i told myself not to say that and so i said that within the first couple seconds yeah so why would you tell yourself not to say that though because i don't want you to think that i am expecting anything or or have like a i don't know i guess it just it's like you go into a conversation with somebody and you're like oh i already know everything about you not that i know everything about you but like i have seen like maybe i would say like 20 or 30 full episodes so um it's like uh i guess i just don't you know sometimes you can just things are better left and says you can let the conversation go naturally yeah so is the issue that you didn't want me to think that you had expectations or that you don't have expectations uh probably that i don't want you to think but you do have expectations oh um no well i have like an idea of how it might go because i've seen like you know start to finish a lot of them um but i'm willing for this to go wherever so i didn't like you know normally for something i would like rehearse a bunch of things or like um not like this is my first time talking to any kind of therapist or any like i've never talked so i i'm just yeah i'm just interested to see where this will go but i didn't want this to be like oh i know everything and i know you're going to see this and then we're going to do this at the end oh no no no someone has been doing replay analysis and i'm at a disadvantage oh no see that's what okay erase it all okay chat she's figuring us out no i haven't figured anything out i don't know anything it's okay you know yeah i think it's totally fine um so you know one of the things that we try to do is like we bring things to the surface and we become aware of them so the fact that you have watched it i'm really glad you told me we have talked about it i'm aware of it yeah totally fine so um but i am curious where did you think this would go i don't know like as in like me telling you or like this no no i mean the whole episode was there something you wanted to talk about no there's something i want to talk about but it's not like um i had this a whole like okay i'm going to say this and you're going to say this and i'm going to say this and then you're going to say this and then we're going to do the meditation thing and then i'm going to go yeah okay great so yeah no i'm happy to for it to go wherever i feel like i'm like entering into a game of starcraft where i'm thinking about build orders and counters yeah and i know i know every which way this is gonna go and i have an answer prepared prepare for the sixth pool if you know what that is but it's it's a boomer term it's a it's like so back in the starcraft days there was a race called zerg i guess the zergs still exist and and there was a super cheese strat where you basically like don't build in an economy and you just like rush people with these little things called zerglings and it was like people would rage a lot because it's sort of like a low it's a high risk high reward kind of strategy and if you failed your sixth pool you basically lost the game i did that one time i played starcraft for like two days and then um my fiance was helping me and he's like oh you just do this strategy and he was like doing all this stuff and then i was like what are you doing and then that was what it was i'm pretty sure he was just choosing them so i kind of know what you're saying yeah cool um so let's see if we can do better than kind of for the rest of the conversation okay so foosley um yeah this is a blast i'm glad you you know yeah you mentioned i just wanted to but i would i'd feel like i was keeping a secret if i didn't tell you that i had watched 20 full episodes okay probably more okay well that's about 18 more than me so 18 more of i don't know yeah i don't watch them of your own oh yeah but you live them yes yes that i i participate um i find it very awkward to watch myself i don't know if that's something yeah i just can't i'm the same way i can't watch myself i'm not well i would never like go stream myself and then come like at the end of it go back and just watch my whole stream but i do watch funny clips of my own stream sometimes if i'm like what did people find funny and then i'm like oh that was funny that was funny something that strangely like disturbs me is that my children have gotten used to seeing my face on the youtube recommended algorithm like at first they would comment on it like they're like oh that's daddy and then now it's just like you know they just do they expect my face to be on youtube which is strange and do they watch like the okay no they're three and five right i was like i know i've seen them come in and like i can't imagine them like watching this and like really relating at all or understanding the the only thing so the only piece of hg content that they really do love to consume is someone made like some kind of like song where they did like they made like a techno song out of like me doing teaching and meditation and the kids absolutely love it and i can't stand it like when they're listening to it but they really love it oh they remixed you yeah yeah they like remix yeah that's the word that's the word yeah so they're like reflections yeah well uh yeah just listen to it without me at the very end instead of meditating we'll play the song and i'll just step out of the room and you can just jam i doubt um so yeah foosley you are a very um charismatic person oh really yeah thanks oh cool it's a lot of fun to talk to you oh it's only been five minutes or ten minutes oh i have to say one thing so i was very nervous to come on um even like last night i was like i have to sleep early because i already know i'm not i'm gonna have trouble sleeping because i'm fine to sleep normally right but then if i have anything big the next day anytime i need to talk to anything any interview any call it's like i have to give myself a two extra two hours to fall asleep yeah or i'll because i know that like i'll close my eyes i'm like just fall asleep just fall asleep just fall asleep and then like my mind starts racing with like things and then i like open my eyes and i'm like wide awake so i tried different positions and i'm like just fall asleep just anyway so that was me last night i finally fell asleep at some point and then so i woke up and i was like very ready if anything what i did is i got ready too early i was sitting in my chair at 9 20 a.m ready and i just time to sit now 10 20. okay oh sorry for pst yeah so so an hour i was ready and i just sat here and like my nerves would go and i felt my heart going and then and then it hit 10. and then i'm actually very happy that you were like you know we were we started a little later five minutes later because it gave my heart time to like calm down and then get nervous again and then calm down and then so that's just my morning anyways i just wanted to is that what you wanted to talk about do you want to talk about maybe sleep anxiety and no uh well no i normally i i don't have sleep anxiety i think that's one thing that's just something that i don't me i feel like it's not a big deal like i don't have insomnia i sleep really well um eight nine hours a day if anything um i'd say the thing i want to talk about um is more age pressure okay and um age pressure and then like under age pressure i think that comes with like job pressure um marriage pressure like there's just it's like because age is a thing um and i'm always thinking about what i need to be doing what's my step in life then that leads to like me having pressure with my job and pressure with my engagement slash marriage um and no like never i'm always overthinking so i'm never sure like what's the right step to take if there's a right step to take um why am i doing something that i'm doing is it because i want to or because society wants me to or because that's what my parents want me to do or my viewers want me to do that's like an added layer it's like being a streamer and being very open on the internet about my thoughts and my personal life they a lot of people have inputs so now i'm like oh okay i want to do this but they want this one you know so then i get confused about what i want to do yeah dude i am so excited about this conversation because i think it's something that for i don't know why i guess we just haven't had someone talk about this but like i think engagement pressure absolutely yeah absolutely right it's nuts like it's nuts um you know and maybe i'll kind of teach a little bit towards the end but there's actually an interesting psychologist this guy named eric erickson who basically said that all of our psychiatric problems like depression and anxiety and stuff come from sort of we have this trajectory in life where like at each stage of life we have a different goal from like a developmental standpoint and when we don't succeed at that stage of life we kind of get stuck there so like teenagers are all about individuating and like developing my own identity so we see people like coloring their hair and getting piercings and going goth and like whatnot like they're trying to figure out who they are and if they don't do that stuff properly like if they don't do it successfully then they kind of get stuck and then you'll sometimes have like you know older people who are still trying to figure out who they are no harm to them it's just you know so we kind of get stuck and so then like you know as we get into like our 50s and stuff you start to look back on your life and you start to think like did i do enough what did i like do enough in the world and like make my contribution because like now you're kind of past the halfway point you know things are starting to wind down you got that hip pain and you're balding and you're a little bit overweight and like you're like you know did i spend my youth in a productive way and and so it's kind of interesting because you know i really like to think about things the way that eric erickson does and he sort of says like you know at this age group this is the problem at this age group this is the problem and then depending on how you kind of mess up there you can end up with different issues like later on so i i really actually love this topic it's something that we haven't really explored if you've watched a lot of our videos maybe you'll know that um so i i think it's really fantastic i appreciate so much about your thoughtfulness about what to talk about so tell me what kind of pressure do you feel okay well so should i talk about just age pressure in general or like because a job pressure marriage like i feel like they all go together but they are all their own thing so yeah so i mean the one that i feel is the juiciest is the engagement pressure yeah that's the one that i'm personally the most curious about um but you know we can talk about i'm just curious about you know what pressure do you feel like what leaps to your mind when i say that okay so i think i i can start with age and then like engagement stems very quickly from that so like i'm 28 um and i guess you know our my whole life i'm was told like you have to get married by this age uh for me i thought i was gonna marry get 25 really uh and have kids by actually thought i'd be married but 23 have kids by 26 i don't know my my mind was always like in my 20s i'm going to have a family 30s i'm going to be like super established job kids husband all this right but my fiance is literally 33. so it's like that's not that like it's so anyways um i guess i was oh sorry this is just me talking with my hands oh this is our age different this is our age gap okay but so okay okay okay keep going so he's 33 i'm 28. um uh i guess my whole life i always thought right i would get married 20 early 20s kids right and then now i'm 28 so i didn't fulfill any of that and i feel this pressure i guess not even it's not even my parents if anything i've talked to my parents about this and they're very understanding that like i think my mom growing up has always been like you you should have you should get married and have kids and all this but recently i've told her a bit about the pressure and just a bit about how streaming has like come in from like left field and kind of taken like the forefront of my life and i can't just have kids right now like it just feels weird to have a kid all of a sudden or sorry get married first of all and then have kids um sorry my thoughts are a bit sporadic so yeah you will have to i'm sorry i just try to follow where they're going so um i guess i i can start with i got engaged oh sorry i got me and my boyfriend sorry this is weird me and my fiance started dating in 2016 when i was 23 and i was already like when i met him i have a journal entry of me saying like you know i met this guy and like i'm 23 so dating isn't just like we're not just like casual like this could turn into something like if i was 17 and i'm at the same guy i'd be like i'm in a boy and like we're you know boyfriend girlfriend who you know wherever this goes right but i'm 23 so in my mind it's like this could turn into like my husband like i'm not just dating for fun i'm dating to like i'm dating at 23. so so anyways that was my first i literally wrote like on the first week like what if i marry this guy question mark question mark i mean who knows anyway so fast forward four years uh in 2019 or three years he proposed to me on stream so we were streaming and yeah so that's the thing is like he he was he just finished like breaking this world record of like most hours streamed on twitch in a month in a 30-day period right and on the last day of it like at the very end he like pulls out this chipotle bag and he like pulls out this ring and and then he proposed to me and i was like whoa like yeah okay let's get married you know and this this clip like went very pop it was very viral on the internet and like i had my cousins and random people from high school like i saw you on reddit oh my gosh you got engaged my cousin was mad at me because she found out through the internet all this stuff so then i was like okay wow like this kind of reached a lot of people anyways so now uh now fast forward okay so then we're gonna get married and that was in 2019. kovid happens right and now it's like all this stuff don't know when to do the wedding we had a wedding date and then we did it and then we well we still have it but we're like we told our wedding planner to cancel it because we are basically i just feel very a lot of pressure because i don't know uh if i'm getting married like because of the viewers because of my parents because i want to um all this stuff my sometimes i have this urge to run to the courthouse with edison and get married on the same day and then some days i want to plan this like big elaborate wedding and i don't know does this make sense the only thing that doesn't make sense is the chipotle bag that's the only thing that i'm everything else is crystal clear okay okay the chipotle bag is just he was trying to like like uh hide the ring and he's like i got you a surprise and i was like chipotle but it was a wedding ring got it i was like is that some weird product placement or like what what exactly like not yet chipotle where weddings happen you know it's like they're they're fighting with de beers like a diamond is forever but a burrito is for today they have to they will cut cater my wedding that's a great idea not you've given me yeah so sorry yeah uh foosley i'm i'm yeah so let me let me tell you what i'm hearing and then you tell me if you're making sense okay yes so so like i'm hearing that you kind of had this script in your mind about how life is supposed to go and yeah oddly enough you're sort of following the script but what i'm hearing is that you're actually like genuinely like i don't you know it sounds to me like you're genuinely in love with edison is his name yeah okay um so you're in love with like you met him at 23 which is when you're supposed to meet your husband and it turns out that you kind of probably met your husband there yeah and but i'm also hearing that there's a lot of like genuineness so you were supposed to follow the script but it turns out that there's actually like a lot of genuineness to this relationship and that you actually do want to get married and now sort of feels like the right time so so you may have kind of followed the script or were aware of the script but that you're actually sort of living your own life and and now you're it's kind of like where you know what is my life and what is like the script and should my life be based on the script like is it actually better you know because the script is based on something right yeah and and you know so i'm i'm hearing you kind of trying to figure out like you know what should you do yes yes yes that's it's very spot on yeah so what what do i do well i i mean you know i gotta say i i think you gotta marry edison no yeah yeah that's the steps but how but because i i don't know um i don't know many people who propose with the chipotle bag i know yeah but so so let me ask you um can i think for a second yes yes yes so let me just kind of map out a couple of other things you said you said like job pressure parental pressure but i'm sort of hearing that the parents actually aren't pressuring you much yeah so really quick it's like my parents are great like my i always uh like i was a good student my whole life and it was never because my parents were like you don't get an a bad you know spank like it was me doing that to myself so my mom if anything like i guess they wanted me to do well and they're very like they've been proud of me but my mom and dad have never like been mad at me for not doing well if anything maybe a little when i was younger um i went to a private school initially and then i couldn't handle the pressure but i got really bad grades there and then when i moved to public school i think everything ingrained in me from private school like i was like i became very like on top of everything very like musket a's musket bees pluses like it must do well um or else you know i'm gonna be mad at myself so my mom if anything said leslie don't be so hard on yourself like you did well like you did well on this test i'm like i didn't set the curve on this exam though like i i only got an a like i wanted to be like top three four in my in my college class like i i would be upset over that and then my mom's just like like or my parents in general just be like you don't need to you're doing fine like if anything like you work too hard so that's been my even in college i was like that so in in um in in streaming i'm also my mom is just constantly reminding me to breathe to stop stressing to stop working so hard she's like leslie like slow down like you don't need to do if anything she thinks streaming's bad for my health because she's like you need to just step back and like it's it's too much happening in your life too quickly like you're you're running life on like stop like fast forward like you're too many events or you're traveling like when when i could travel you were i was traveling like five six maybe more six seven times a year events and like you know very high like very stimulating events meeting a lot of people and you know when i yeah i guess it just felt like i would do what um most people would do like event wise like in ten years in like two years you know just like why do you feel like you have to run life on fast forward i don't well um i don't feel like i have to but i feel like that's just the pace of streaming and like this whole industry it's like conventions and and then okay it feels like i work like a ton i gotta stream a bunch and then to take you have to like take an extreme break to make up for the extreme work like um this is like before when i could so so pre-covered it'd be like i'd stream like an intense amount and then i would go to like korea for like a week and then like instead of i feel like taking weekends because i didn't have weekends the way i'd look at it is like stream and then like vacation and then stream vacation instead of like work weekend work week and work week you know i'd do it like like weekends would be my vacations and i would treat them less frequently yeah yeah what what made you do it that way this industry is like very like you know like you i guess it'd be very like there'd be conventions right i wouldn't want to miss conventions because that's when i get to meet up with like people like uh you know i have friends from different parts of the world and i never would get to meet them and then they're like hey are you going to pax east or are you going to twitchcon are you going to this event and that'd be my time to like meet up with people so i felt like kind of like i have to go i have to travel to go meet my friends that from you know different places and and to just make memories with my current friends because we're all just in our room playing games all day or streaming all day so i felt like that this is the time so it's not that i want to live life on fast forward it's that that's just kind of like it's very easy to to just just start doing that um very exciting a lot of things are happening and it was great it's just sometimes i do feel like i need to slow down um sure so so i think in order to if you think you need to slow down in order to slow down you have to figure out first why you're running it fast forward right and what i'm hearing you say so i'm just going to point out some stuff in your language so when i ask you you know why do you feel like you have to run life on fast forward and then you say i don't feel like i have to run on my life on password it's the industry sure right and then as we dig into that we begin to see that like you start to act because you make it sound like an external force pressure so pressure is an external force coming from the outside age pressure like every year you look at your driver's license and you look at the calendar and it's like there's this external pressure like the calendar is like have children right like it's like a pressure and then like there's job pressure there's industry pressure but but this is what i think a really key thing is that as we tunnel down into it there isn't actually industry pressure i know it sounds weird but when you get a phone call something happens in your mind and then you feel the pressure like your friends are just asking you if you're going to be at an event and you could say no but you won't let yourself say no right and yeah that's it like it's not like they're like foosley you have to come otherwise i will never speak to you again like that's no they say it oh they do oh god joking jokingly yeah no it's more like but i'll never see you i'll never have the opportunity to see you like yeah yeah okay okay okay okay so that's actually a very important detail right because it you know it it sounds like actually that is external pressure i mean it's like joking and then i know they're not actually going to be mad at me it's more of like this is our one opportunity to meet like in this you know in the past it's been like uh that's true you know we've been friends online for six months a year it'd be really cool to meet this person you know i guess it's the pressure of like you don't want to miss out on meeting people and you know in my mind it's like life is about making these personal connections and then like i never regret having a really nice talk with somebody like you know in general and so it feels really like yeah it'd be worth it to fly to berlin to like talk to this person that i've known and we can just have a good talk off stream and and and i'll feel very like fulfilled and happy by that but then now i'm hearing now i'm hearing a couple of other themes one is missing out right that you have this opportunity and you should take care of you should take advantage of this opportunity while it's there and that also that like the sacrifice is worth it i'm hearing that living life on fast forward is worth it because you get to live more life in a shorter amount of time yeah yeah is that how it feels yeah some some not because like it feels like i'm only comes back to age pressure i'm only in my 20s once i'm at like it feels like my i mean i'm past my physical prime definitely been struggling but i'm kind of you know this is what is that hold on what i'm having some shoulde you know some arm pain some some pain you know that i wouldn't have when i was 17. so i'm a little bit like you know getting you're saying 28 is past your physical i feel like i would you know like you would like i get up in the morning and go and i'm like oh that's how it feels now but when i was 17 i would just go whoa and then jump out of bed and like [Laughter] so now i feel um a bit i mean definitely a little bit more right so anyways my brain's like leslie you're in your 20s you're going to be in your 30s soon you're about to hit the big 3-0 and in my mind 30 is like have your life together married kids you know so my brain is like there's not much time even though i've seen other people on the other side of 30 and they're not doing that and they're fine and i don't look at them any less for not doing like it's all on like it's me putting my own like views of like my past self like being like when you're 30 you're going to do all these things and have this and so where does that come from i don't know just you know i guess growing up you just hear it it's like you know you you have to like that just i guess can you tell me about private school sure okay so i went to private school until sixth grade sixth grade and let me think uh i think i had new uniforms i it was a primarily there it was mostly asians at my school it was um a lot of competition i felt like there's very every everyone was very uh like very strict i got yelled at a lot i was the out the kid out of line all the time um and um i rebelled a lot in private school i hung out with the kids that were not as smart like i was not i was one of the kids getting c's all the time in private school i hung out with like a group of three girls who we're all kind of trouble back then we like gossip a lot talk about boys a lot right on our zangas you know just a lot it was just i would rebel against the teachers i always thought the teachers had something against me um i i did like a few of my teachers but a few of them i was like i would put the toilet paper in soap and i'd throw it at the ceilings and then they'd stick to the ceilings i got in trouble a lot for that um what's your understanding of why you did that um i didn't like the teachers so one of them i sort of knew i would get in trouble but i did it anyway oh i did bad stuff i stuck stepped on some bees and i would like put the bees in bags and then put those in lockers of girls i didn't like i was a really bad kid back in the day i don't know where it stemmed from but i think it came from um i was upset at like girl other girls for being mean i was mean to other girls uh i was i don't know i was just rebelling a lot and it was just like i guess i hung around also like some kids who like encouraged that and so i you know i fed into it as well like we both we it was like you you know you find someone you kind of both just like yeah let's do this and you do and then you just enable each other sure what did your parents think about you know getting in trouble and the seas and whatnot they pulled me out of private school i would complain i think that was it i wanted to be out of private school so badly there was this thing called recitation on fridays we'd have to go in front of the class every friday and recite this poem and every week it was it gave me so much anxiety every week i just wanted and i said public school mom they don't have recitation they don't have to do this and i'd always complain about private school private so i don't want to be here until i think i i guess i just made so much trouble that my mom's like yeah let's you don't need to go to private school i think maybe that was a bit of it is i really just didn't like it i i think i just didn't like it what didn't you like about recitation what would it feel like the night before what were thursday nights like for you dress it was like every thursday night was like this this past night the sleeping thing i i'm terrified i just like would be like tomorrow i'm gonna get up in front of the class i'm gonna pull the stick out see that i have to go sixth or whatever and then my heart's gonna be racing for the entire person in front of me and then i'm gonna go up and i'm gonna mess up all my lines and i'm just gonna like be staring out of the class and everyone's gonna be judging me waiting for me to mess up and then i'm going to mess up and i'm going to stand there embarrass myself oh and i have to do it and then i finish it get it over with get like my b or whatever and then go through it and then like it's like a cool down and then i have to do it all over again every friday and it was just the worst i remember just i hated that and so did you ever think about did you ever fantasize about what you could do that would prevent that horrible future like as in like people prepared or yeah so it's kind of like a leading question i'm really sniffing for something and i i think i'm actually not gonna find anything but seems good on paper um so like i'm just kind of envisioning you know what must have been in your head about if you were a different person or if you did things differently because like usually when like did you have those kinds of thoughts like if i was yeah i mean yeah the way i thought about it is like i wish i would i i could be more like this student or this year like there was a kid named ayush in my class who was just the best at it i remember he'd get up there and he'd like commit yeah i know and it was just like he just killed it every week and he i was just like how he closed his eyes he used his hands and he would just give it his all every week and he would everyone would be like wow and i was just like i can't do that why can't i be like him and that was the one thing maybe i would think i'd fantasize a world where i could probably be better at speaking or more charismatic like he could be yeah but instead i just get up there and go like like and i just stuttered my way all the way through it and i would and i had a horrible fear of public speaking all the way i always talk about it like all the way up to even until streaming i i can't i public speaking is just the worst and um and so that that i guess that was it what did you think was different about ayush versus you he didn't care what other people thought he was just like or maybe he did but he he didn't show it he wasn't afraid to be dramatic and like it felt like he was that was his happy place like he was like i'm here to perform this is my moment versus me i'm like dreading this moment like oh god everyone's gonna think i'm weird and if i try to commit like him they're gonna be like like why is she doing that even why is she trying so hard you know so if anything i just wanted to disappear i just wanted to say it get it over with and everyone forget about it be the complete just be completely average up there and be not memorable in any way um and yeah he i knew he just went up there and he he like yeah he felt it felt like if anything he was excited to go up every week do you think yeah do you think ayush was living his life on fast forward probably not if i had to guess yeah is that is that how you saw it i didn't think about fast forward back then because life felt so so so in the moment and slower back then like i was just living every moment back then as like this is forever because when you're a kid like that's that that's how it feels yep yeah yeah so i'm gonna need so maybe i'm barking up the wrong tree here foosley so this is gonna be really for you to decide but like here's what i'm noticing so what you are is kind of ultra conformist in your head yeah right like there is a there is a path to success and we have to follow it and then like you get really bent out of shape if you are like not ultra conforming like 23 26 marriage gotta do this and there's a very like there's a very like reasonable part of you that's sort of like i can't really get married because of covid i'm not really ready to have kids i'm in a happy relationship i enjoy my career my life is pretty good i'm actually happy on a daily basis but inside is like a nun who's like foosley this is the way of doing things and and so then the really interesting thing is to hear you talk about private school it's like actually the voice in your head seems to be the very opposite of what you have now like you used to be a rebel you used to be like no f in rules like f you guys like toilet paper on the ceiling like bees in the lockers like you know screw age like you know like yeah it's interesting because i and and so i'm just wondering when i see such a drastic shift in someone's like internal dialogue i sometimes wonder if those are like connected um and i wonder if sort of like you sort you know your road out of private school was that you became exactly what you wanted to be and now you're the person like you used to be one thing in private school and then you realize like this is not working i have to turn myself into something that is not the rebel and then like you became this ultra conformist and now like what i'm hearing is that you know your parents didn't make you the ultra conformist it's like age who made you the ultra conformist because ayush was like i'm gonna i'm gonna show you how it's done and you have to like take every opportunity and every friday is like a chance for life in joy and passion and then you get this phone call from your twitch friends and they're like do you want to do this and you're like what would a you should do is what you some part of your mind is telling you you're like ash would not skip it aish doesn't [ __ ] take weekends i can't believe we're talking this is so funny um yeah i mean i uh but i could be barking up the wrong tree there you know sometimes i work myself up yeah no no i i feel that like i i don't in my mind i wasn't asking about ayush i don't think i really thought back to that until like but yeah people like him i was i was jealous because they they felt i'm jealous of people who are able to like pause you know and live life in the moment and i feel like i'm always like leslie take this opportunity take this opportunity yes say yes say yes so that later you can relax but why later why not now why can't i just you know yeah yeah but so it's there's a very interesting conundrum there because you're not actually talking about living in the moment right because if you were really gonna live in the moment you would pass on the opportunity yeah so like what you envy it and so it's let me just sit does that make sense uh i think so yeah i feel like there is a more profound or clear way that i can explain this but because it's interesting because you talk about living in the present and living in the moment but then the other thing that i kind of want to point out is that like you were stuck in the present when you were in private school yes and you hated it yes and now you you have this idea of what it is to live in the present but there's another part of your mind that's like f that we want to live we don't want to like pause the video we're gonna fast forward fast forward fast forward the video right yes well i don't want i don't choose to fast forward sure i can't control the speed at which life is going like when i was a kid all i wanted to do was be older i was like i remember being 12 or like 11 i was i went to the store and i sat in the this chair that's supposed to you know it's like a massage chair i sat in it and they're like i'm sorry you can't like how old are you and i was like 11 and they're like you can't sit in that chair it's going to mess up your bones or whatever and i was like are you serious why are you like that shoulder problem that's the chair so it's they wouldn't like i was so mad i was like oh i just want to be 18. like that's all i want to be 18. and then like when i was 18 oh i want to be 21 like i just want to be able to drink i want to be 21. 21 like then i'm like wait slow down slow down yeah what age do you want to be now 22. 22 or 23 forever yeah 21 i feel like is a bit young so 23 because now i'm like approaching the age well actually 25 is good too i like i feel like now i'm like i don't want to be 30 because it's forward because then i'm just gonna get old and irrelevant and ugly i feel like i'm just gonna it feels like when i was 23 i thought that of 28 i'm gonna be honest i thought wow leslie have five years left in your career when you're 28 it's over it's done no one's gonna relate to you no one's gonna watch you you're 20 you're gonna be 28. you're gonna be married and you're probably gonna be having kids in the next year so that was 28 for me and so it is somewhat relieving to be 28 now and think that way about 32 but then i know 32 is gonna happen well i think that way about 38 when around 38 lefty 42 142 would that be 48 you know and so i guess um yeah i guess i just i'm scared of the future i i guess it feels like time's running out especially when my career is like you know it started when i was 23 and it feels like you know i'm in front of a camera i'm on twitch it's a job that doesn't have like this obvious next path as well so it feels like i have to make the most of what i have now like this is my career i'm probably just gonna try to do this for 10 years and then like it's over like something's gonna happen and people are gonna be like oh she is old okay i can't watch her anymore like i just think that p i have this fear that people are gonna just click to just that i'm old and they shouldn't watch me because i don't they don't relate to me or that it's just that i'm just old now and it's like ew i'm gonna be watching like my mom you know so something like that so foosley thanks a lot for sharing all that i i think i'm hearing a very very common thread here which is that you're never happy with where you are right it's like you either want to be older or you want to be younger like your mind is like retreating it in whatever way it can except like nowhere but the present yeah like like present is unacceptable sorry anywhere but the present yes and and so it's like you know when you were young you were thinking about the future now that you're old you're thinking about the past and you're like 23 to 25 maybe there's a little bit of erickson here where you you will feel ready to be older than 23 once you get married because that's the milestone that you associate with 23 so maybe there's something there but really what i'm hearing is that you detest and by you i mean a part of you because this is a weird confusing thing about our mind as we think about our mind as monolithic but it's not like one way right but like what i'm hearing is that you never wanted to be where you are like age-wise in general but yeah age-wise sure yeah well i can't say i don't like i think i'm very i am very happy with where i am like like i'm very i mean there's parts of me that are yeah struggling but like overall i think i am but yeah so so so just to quickly explain kind of how that works if you've heard me talk to talk about some scars you know it's like that part of you that is unhappy with where you are is something you carry with you and sometimes gets activated like if i have a phobia of snakes that phobia of snakes is something i carry with me and i can be like happy and then then i see a snake and then the phobia arises so you're like happy in the day to day but you carry this thing with you that like sand in the hourglass is running out i'm too old i'm not 23 i was supposed to get married i was supposed to have kids you know i'm not even gonna like touch this we're i don't know if you recognize this but we're you know we're circling around potentially like talking about being too old to have kids and that thing right so that i'm just steering clear of that one unless you want to talk about it but i mean in my mind it's just certain that i will have kids when i'm like 32. if i'm feel about that i'm just preparing i'm like okay my my basically my mind like maybe 33 or 34. but like i know that i want to have kids i know that i don't really have a choice to have kids but after i'm 40 so i have to like i can choose to get married like married is like you know i have to you know it's not like a biological thing but if i'm having kids at 45 like you know i take a risk my kids so i i am like yeah i have to if i want to have kids then i gotta do that when i'm in my 30s so in my mind it's since it's a set decision almost i feel less anxiety about it and kids are cute so i've started to get more excited i see kids i'm like and anderson's like oh i'm kind of looking forward to it and i have a cat i don't know where he is but caring for him makes me feel like this love so i want that yeah yeah so it actually sounds like you're pretty good around the kids thing yeah i don't feel too much anxiety about it because i want to have kids yeah yeah sometimes when people are very like sensitive about their age they also like there's a like for women there's a lot of pressure to have kids at a certain time and and you know things like that but i'm actually not hearing that from you right so it sounds like you're okay having kids at 32. i feel like maybe because it's also kind of far like it's like well it's like full that's actually not that far five because it could be from 32 to like my mom had me when she was 38. so because i feel like that's some ways away um i think if it was like uh you know i was married and then we're like me and edison are sitting down all right you wanna have kids you know that maybe might start to freak me out a bit because that's a huge like life change but because it's still somewhat distant um i don't feel it entirely but as i'm having this conversation you know i am thinking a little bit yeah it does give me a little bit of work it does worry me a little bit because i'm not sure how much that would change my life and also edison we've had the talk about it and he's like if you want kids we have kids if you want one kid we have one kid if you have two you have two if you don't want you what we don't have kids he says like your body you know like i don't have to go through it so i'm not gonna make you have kids so him saying that gives me like makes me feel so free like there's this option in where i don't have kids maybe so i think that that also is like yes yeah that that was instantly like a so much relief like oh like i don't have to have kids so maybe there's a small part of me that isn't sure i'm gonna have no i'm pretty sure but like maybe a ten five percent chance that like if i randomly decide not to that i don't have someone pressuring me as well and my parents also don't always don't pressure me about it at all they don't i think that obviously they want to but they don't say anything about it so i don't have like this yapping voice like kids kids kids kids kids grandkids you know so it's it feels kind of it sounds like you have that voice in your head sometimes it's my own voice yeah i was gonna say i i think you're you know your parents learned that that you're you know you have your own yapping voice they don't want to add another yapping voice yeah yeah and and so is there like a type of pressure that we sort of haven't touched on i mean do you feel like we've covered age pressure or drop yeah i yeah i think you really hit the nail on the head with um like i'm just never happy like like uh like when i was a kid i wanted to be older when i'm older like i wanted to be younger and when i was the age i wanted to be time just went like that so it just feels like also on twitch it's very like you know the boomer zoomer jokes like they're everywhere every even so one of my friends brought up like yesterday or two days ago why are we always talking about age like i feel like it comes up in every conversation and i'm like it's because like you say something like you're such a boomer and then you're like i'm not a boomer i'm gonna justify why you're not old or it's like i try to say something young and hip but they're like leslie stop it you're talking like the you know gen z and like the zoomers and it's all about like age these days like how old you are what jokes you can say or can't say or like if you get something or don't oh you're so boomer you're too much of a zoomer to understand like it's very the culture especially i think in gaming and streaming it's very prevalent social media so my age comes up a lot in terms of at least in my own head i don't even always say like oh i'm 28 you know i just i just hear it a lot and so it makes me think a lot about how old i am um and it does it's not like a big issue in my mind it's just like a voice like you said or something i'm always like thinking it's always in the back of my head that of things i should be doing or or like am i too old to do this or um so it's nothing like crazy it's just like i think that that's just a general thing i'm carrying with me and it's of the yapping voice i mean i want to just learn how to like slow down and like actually just you know not like live like when i was a kid yeah but you don't want to live when you were like a kid in fact i think the reason you're in this trouble is because you're trying to get away from the way you were living as a kid yeah so like live like the times the top how slow it is outside it just felt like yeah how did it feel outside of school it was good it was great like um i would go to my cousin's house every day after school and we'd rollerblade around the streets have knee pads and fall down and um [Music] yeah it was it was good so yeah do you so what part of you makes you think you're living too fast um living too fast uh time birthdays are happening so quickly every day is the same i'm like living in a it feels like a like a wake up do the same thing every day and i know that when i do the same thing every day it just all blurs together like one big year just went by like what did i do i woke up every day streamed played games went to sleep some days i remember that one day that i left the house with edison and we went on a cute date um but usually it's very routine and routine tense like when i'm a kid um you know i've only lived so long so every day is like a new memory right and so it feels like um time is slower because that's like every day is like it's like a bigger a fraction of my life like it takes up you know like but now every day is like less of that so i think that i have so many memories that are like so it feels like time is just racing um but yeah i noticed like wow i'm always saying oh my gosh march went by 2020 just happened like that um everything is just going by so quickly um and i think that that yeah that that and also i used to break things up a bit more i would travel right and stuff and that would weirdly it would be by having all these things it would slow me down in a way or at least make the year very memorable for me like oh i remember i went to here and then i went to this and then i traveled there lucy can i ask you to just pause for a second yeah i want to just try to because i think you're sharing a lot of really important stuff i just want to be able to process it before you keep going go ahead i'm going to need like a long second okay take your time can you tell me about transitioning to public school and how that was different for you yeah um so i i really wanted to get out of public school because because i was so rebellious and stuff i also caused a lot of drama with my friends and so when i left i remember being very dramatic about it and like i didn't say bye to anybody and people were like leslie it really hurt this guy who liked you that you didn't say bye or you're like i remember just drama like on the last day and i was so happy to get out of there and it was a new start so i went to public school and then uh it was different because i kind of came from being like a cool kid in public school to a private school to a complete like nobody like new kid at a public school where everybody already knew each other because i joined in seventh grade and everyone had already been together since sixth grade so things were established and i remember walking around like i didn't know anybody and i would like my mom signed me up for choir so i immediately joined choir and i found like a home in choir luckily and i found like a really close knit of like a group of three friends i think we met in like my history core class or something but i found a nice knit of friends but i was um and i hung out with my cousin who i rollerbladed a lot with she was also like my best friend so we went to school together and luckily we had each other so that was that um i also shot up my grades i was instantly like an a student because like uh because i came from like redoing like i took geometry or like classes that i was basically redoing a year because i was going faster at private so i already know that stuff so i immediately became a really good student so that was nice i started writing for the school newspaper um how did you feel about yourself great i was like wow i'm actually smart like it felt weird to go from being the dc student like okay i'm just the stupidest kid at my school to i'm passing this class and like helping other kids like learn how to do stuff and i'm like hey like you need help i like i i did the stuff last year so immediately um and i would like kind of gravitate towards smarter students too what happened with the toilet paper in the soap what about it did you continue doing it no no way i felt uh at it in sixth grade or fifth grade i felt like everyone knew me to be rebellious i would go out of my way to make trouble because that was my reputation as well and also it felt good to be rebellious and to say yeah um oh um it felt good to well i don't know i felt it felt like i was pissing off the people that like were mean to me like my teachers i was like why are you so mean and like why do you get me in trouble all the time or call me out all the time so to do that felt like yeah i did that and i don't care um and i guess i just that was my attitude it's really bad and so i got really bad remarks on my report card all the time i remember just like out of line talks too much causes troubles you know all this i was like yeah and what what happened when you i i sort of jumped in a couple of times so what happened when you so you were doing better in school the rebelliousness went away do you have a sense of why well at a new school i'm i've gone to this private school since i was like a child like i literally like first grade second all the way um um i do remember one year sorry i went to fourth grade i switched schools because my mom switched work so i moved to the same private school just a different branch of it in fourth grade and i have an incident of i don't know why it happened but like or like i can't really but maybe this will but basically my teacher asked me like what or i had a best friend named danielle and her mom like worked she had really her mom had a really cool job and my teacher and she asked me like what my mom did and i would tell all my friends i lied and i said my mom works at the monterey bay aquarium i don't know why i just thought it was the coolest job ever and my mom was an accountant which i think is great now but back then i was like my mom's gonna count it that's so boring so my friends moms were like i felt like they were like oh really cool i don't know so they're like your mom works at the aquarium and i was like yep so so anyways my everyone started talking about my mom who works at the monterey bay crime how cool is that anyway so then my teacher like one time walked me to my car my mom was there to pick me up and he's like oh i'm gonna come with you to talk to your mom about her job and i was like you do not need to do that and he's like no no hey mrs foo i heard you work at the monterey bay aquarium my mom's like no i'm gonna count oh gosh i was so embarrassed i was like yeah i lied i don't know why i lied but that i don't know that was like this one side year i like lied a bunch i i don't know i just felt this need to be cooler than i was um or and that was this one year where i came from the rebel rebellious school went to here and then and after that year i went back to that same school and then i started doing all the shenanigans again um but i don't know there's just a side tangent and then yeah um lovely story that's just embarrassing i still sound sounds mortifying it was awful but i brought it upon myself so um so then uh yeah so switching to the new school like i think i'm not just gonna go to a new school with a brand new like no reputation right and then just start causing trouble i'm just like this is my chance to have a new to turn over a new leaf and to make a good reputation and so i think the first thing that gave me an identity was i was having a really easy time in school and so i started to make friends with all the other smarter kids so i started hanging out with smart smart kids and i'm like wow you guys are really smart so we're also all kind of smart and so we all just you know we'd work on school and we'd have we'd talk about things but we weren't like the cool kids or anything kind of hang out and eat in the classroom and stuff um but that was fine and it was definitely different um and it's not like i was like goody two shoes i was always talkative and we get in trouble in almost all my classes like i just talk a lot so in high school i remember my i would yap all the time my teacher would spray water at me sometimes because i was talking so much and then so that was all the way until like senior year of high school so i was never like shy or anything or just like good eating when they sprayed water at you what do you imagine your teacher was feeling in that moment angry that i'm not paying attention disrespecting her like just having side conversations while she's like trying to talk to the class so let me ask you something this is once again loaded question i love this hypothesis may not be so did you when you moved schools did you become age no i couldn't achieve him what ayush was i've never been able to be asus i've like i've never gotten to that point he's he achieved that by fourth grade boy do you try yeah i'm i still am envious of there's and i see in people on twitch as well it's like their ability to to just immerse themselves and live in the moment i see it in the way they are and just the ability to like not care i have like this thing holding me back that's like that's like don't do that or else like you're gonna embarrass yourself so just it you know it's always this thing i'm afraid of failure so i don't let myself try those things but ayush if he was committed right and then he stumbled it felt like that stumble would be more embarrassing than someone who's already fumbling like if he's committed and then and then he goes uh oh crap so i might but he and he would but he just carried on through it but i always thought if i committed so hard to something and i choked that i would i would never be able to live that down so i was like okay it's fine just just just be just be average just don't like do don't don't stick out or don't like fully like commit to anything and then you won't fully fail and that's why i still have that voice uh holds me back a lot from trying things and um yeah so one day i hope to like be able to achieve that or in my mind i actually think in my in my head i tell myself you're not actually capable of that that's just not who you are you're not able to like just let go and fully commit to something without i i sense it in um you know actors actors who can like completely like i feel like they're almost like a different breed like people who can just like you know like action and then they can like commit to a scene so hard i i admire those people i feel like that is just so cool that they can do that in front of so many people and cry and be vulnerable but like i i could never like i i just keeps you from doing that uh fear of i'm just insecure i think i'm just like i of of trying and then someone being like yeah that's not it yeah he retried though you know i think there's that voice of uh rejection of telling me like you know if i never try can't fail in that aspect right so i'm just oh i just look at actors and admire them um but not just i view them as like like yeah like i'm pretty sure she was like in drama and all that stuff i think it comes with a lot of people who are able to put themselves out there it's so cool and i i've always looked up to them but never have i wanted to dock someone in my whole life i want to track down and i don't know if that's the right term i do i'm so curious what this guy's up to now i know okay so so foosley i i think um for better or for worse i i think i have some guidance for you okay so i think it's beautiful that you shared that little anecdote at the beginning about falling asleep because you know the funny thing about falling asleep is that the harder you try the harder it becomes yes and and i think that's a beautiful parallel for like just you so there's some like weird kind of like psychological stuff going on so i think part of your hesitation to commit is because there's a part of you that still feels so what i what i'm guessing foosley and this is you know i don't really know it's just something for you to think about so i tend to offer people hypotheses as opposed to conclusions but i make them sound like conclusions really you who decides so what i'm getting the sense is that like there's private school leslie who's buried underneath public school leslie who's buried underneath you and so the problem is that like the foosley of today can't ever commit because you don't know whether private school leslie or public school leslie you don't know like who you are like which one of those is the real you and the reason you can't commit is because like because now you've built up this kind of shell right like where you're like private school leslie like you're successful you're engaged you're a streamer you have all these things to be proud of but underneath like is public school i mean is private school leslie just like lurking like is that person who couldn't do anything right and no matter how hard she tried right because that's the fear is like you you gave it your best and it just wasn't enough yeah and you know i heard you rebelling and i think it's interesting because when you we conceptualize things we're like a lot more um we think of ourselves as far more autonomous than we are so i don't think that you went to your new school and were like this is an opportunity for me to reinvent myself i think it's actually the other way around where like you went to a new school you were filled with anxiety you kind of stumbled into being one of the smart kids and you're like oh wait a second i don't have to be what i was before i can reinvent myself but that process of reinvention happens after like the realization that you're reinventing itself comes second not first the reinvention already happens so what i'm really hearing from you is that like you know you're you can't you can't commit to being who you are and you call it insecurity which i think is a wonderful umbrella term but what it really is is like i think you're you know i would venture that you're maybe afraid that who you are fundamentally is not good enough and that's where we get to the age pressure because if you don't have faith in yourself you need a playbook right like if i trust who i am i can go up on stage and i can give it my all and come hell or high water like it'll i'll fail magnificently or i'll succeed gloriously there's still magnificence and glory in each one but if i don't have faith in myself and i'm not willing to do that then i need a teleprompter right like i need a playbook that like by 23 i gotta do this by this i gotta do this because like walking my own path like may not be good enough because i think this is where we sort of get into the age pressure which is sort of you know you talk about living in the present and and now we get to something which is like i think you've learned that the present is actually a really painful like it sucks to be the present yeah right and and you kind of say that you're kind of talking about and it's it's definitely a shared experience where you know the four years between 14 and 18 are way longer than the 10 years between 25 and 35 yes and and so that's a common shared experience and so i i think you sort of started to like adopt like you started to like become something right in in public school and you're like okay i'm gonna do things right and this is where the voice comes in and like the voice is like okay i've to do a good job i've got to do a good job i've got to do it the right way i can't do it because in public in private school did you do it the right way or did you do it your way my way and how did that work out for you bad and when you were in public school did you do it the right way or did you do it your way the right way and how did that work out for you better yeah good right and so now we see like the pressure there's a script because you learned like very early on that your way is a bad way and the right way is a good way and and now it's getting even more confusing because now you're actually learning that that's not actually true that you can do it your way and your way can do the right way but then there's like there's like a like a private school little fourth grade leslie who's like why would you stop being a ush you you did it you did it you were on the right track and even now you can hear the qualification right you've never become age and i asked you in in public school was at the right and you were like yeah it was decent there's a step in the right direction you qualify it you can't really own it and so there's this part of you that like wants to be this perfect thing and like being you is not that perfect thing but now you're confused because as you're mature and stuff like that there's a 28 year old you who's like i found my person we're gonna get married when it's like convenient for us to get married we're gonna probably have kids i want to have kids and but it's weird because you have these like three voices right there's private school leslie there's public school leslie and then there's like the leslie of today and so you say and now what what you're noticing is like actually i'm living way too fast like this is too much too fast and this is where you kind of talk about the industry and there's like this is this one opportunity to like go to germany and meet this person and this is this one opportunity and this one opportunity let me live in the present let me live in the present let me look i have so much present to live in oh my god let's live in all the present let's do it all right now every day live in the present baby let's go let's go let's go live in a present oh yeah right yeah it's like like you're falling into this really bizarre trap of like trying to force yourself to fall asleep and it's like the more you try to live in the present the more fast forward your life becomes it's like yeah let's take advantage of this opportunity separation is only going to happen once in the present yeah yeah let's go right so true and so it like it's it's really challenging because i think in order to live in the present now now you know we get to be wise you ready for the wisdom yes i'm ready in order to in order to live in the present you have to let go of the desire of living in the present because it is the desire for living in the present that has you living in the future and fast forwarding your life i'm sorry do i get rid of that desire to live in the present you don't get rid of the desire to live in the present you just don't give in to it right so like like i i know it sounds weird but very practically you know like i know it sounds weird but like so if you go to a conference and you ask yourself the question is this me trying to live in the present and then your answer is going to be yes because this is a wonderful opportunity that i can treasure and i can be in the present if i go to the conference but that's what you've always said and then you go to six conferences and then life passes you by so oddly enough you should ask yourself is this me trying to live in the present and if the answer is yes don't do it it's gonna be really difficult i know it's confusing isn't it what okay i but then when will i ever do anything exactly and that's what living in the present is right because the present is not about doing it's about is it's about being it's not about doing so like what what you are is a doer instead of a beer yeah like doing is about like like even when you do something truly in the present you're not doing it you're becoming it like like i know this sounds weird but like you know i i've been working with some esports professionals recently and we talk about becoming one with the game they're not playing the game anymore they like become this weird like super human thing where they're like one with the game and you'll see it if you like watch esports where there there's like one thing where like it looks like they're hacking like they their game sense is just out of this world and they like predict things it looks like their reactions like they've got some sort of weird like you know like map hacker like you know some like you know aimbot or something it's not that they have an aimbot it's that they know where the enemy is going to be yeah and they even like shoot the bullet before they see them on the screen and then lo and behold the person shows up and then you know they get sniped and it's and isn't that like float flow state absolutely so the flow state is not like and so the more that you try to do yeah the less you be and the purest form of doing is actually being when you become like one with the object right like like when i'm not i'm not a person anymore like i'm not someone who's doing something i am that thing like you become like like you know an embodiment of like valorant whatever that is or whatever you know yeah what what do you think about that i i actually think that that makes sense i have like watched a lot of videos about like the flow state and like yeah when i and i've like i want to achieve that and i know how it feels to like be in that flow state uh and like i know i love that feeling and sometimes it's me even like working or something i'm like i just feel like this sense of like i can't be interrupted because what i'm doing is i'm just so one with what i'm doing my mind is like going and i'm like i feel like very present in that moment and i really love that but i don't know how to access it regularly yes so we're gonna get to that yeah so i'm so perfect so let me ask you something when you access the flow state before you access the flow state did you want to access the flow state i think i always want to but i i didn't uh look at refresh yes did you try to access the flow state when you succeed in accessing the flow state uh sometimes sometimes sometimes it's like i put myself in the right minds i clean my space i take drink lots of coffee and i like clear my mind i have everything else done around me so i don't have random distractions and i can like set myself up but i can't always guarantee it it's kind of like a it sometimes is and sometimes there isn't good so so so so i know it sounds okay so let me think about it okay we're going to talk about flow state and the prac like the practicalities then we're going to talk about your life again and this whole like stop trying to do so much yeah um and and that kind of business okay so the first thing is that so i like sleep a lot because um and i like this discussion of the flow state because like the yogis in india understood this really really well so part of the thing is that they they have so many different they have like as many words for snow that eskimos do is like they have tons of words for consciousness in states of mind so what they recognized is that you can't enter a state a flow state so flow state is a state of consciousness called diana and that's one word for it anyway so diane is like a state of mind so it's kind of like sleep so can you go to sleep think thank you how tell me instruct me in how to sleep close your eyes and then you you think i my trick is that i think about a very specific memory from like fourth or fifth grade and i try to recall every detail of that story it's like i'm watching a mini movie of my life or like yes last night i did high school but like every night i pick a night or a day i think ah seventh grade and i just go down seventh grade in my mind and like what it was like and who i was talking with or a specific aim conversation i had with them and as i think more and more details so interesting so the way that you sleep is you start so sleep is recalling lots of memories about a particular day in your past yeah is that what sleep is well no that sleep is when you're actually unconscious and then it that that helps me relax and then but how do i sleep is recall sleep because you're telling me that what you're doing is recall no recall leads to sleep for me okay so now we get good so one is an action one is a doing the recall is the doing and the sleep is the happening there's a doing and there's a happening there's a doing and there's a being and the two are different fundamentally different and so your problem about like trying to live in the present is that you're trying to do the being yeah but the being in the doing are different yes right just like you said so you've figured out a dharma so now we get to the verb part so diane or the flow state is a state of mind it's a noun it's not a verb you can't do it you can't be in the present being and just think about it for a second b is a beaver right it's not like an action verb so you can't be in the present like it's not something you can do you can exist in the present but it's not like an action like i'm not like uh okay i'm gonna do a little bit of being right now you ready oh man do you see that guy that guy is an olympic runner man he can run so fast that guy's a pro gamer he can play so well dude did you see that guy look at him being man like oh damn that guy's like olympic level pro level being look at him oh right right damn look at that oh my god did you see his moves look at him being there oh my god sick sick can't do that you can't do the big the doing being are fundamentally different things if i am saying like i am in the present that statement alone is like now i'm not in the present sort sorry okay yeah so so so like i would say that you can still be in the present but i'm trying to be in the present means you're not in the present like the trying is like the action verb right so it's like so so so the focusing technique so this is what the the yogi's figured out the same thing you figured out good job foosley which is that there is there is a verb called focus so this is so what you do is a focusing technique you like pick a particular memory and what you do is you make your mind one pointed on one thing and so like the way this works with sleep is that normally all these different thoughts interfere with our ability of sleep so our mind can't we can't clear our mind but what the mind is really good at is letting one thing block out everything else which is why we love video games and why they're so [ __ ] addictive because like i can play a video game and it can knock out everything else so what you start is a focus a verb and then when you do the dharuna is as long as you sit with that tarana for a while your mind does something really cool which is a general principle which is like it acclimatizes that and and it starts stops experiencing it and so what i mean by that is like if you walk into a room you'll notice the smell and then within a few seconds your brain literally blocks out the signal of the smell it acclimatizes to it when i put on this shirt i feel it but then within a few seconds i stopped feeling it so over time when you focus on one thing you use that to push all the other thoughts out of your mind and then when you sit with that one thing eventually your mind will get used to it and then it's gone and then you are in a no-mind state that's when you fall asleep when you acclimatize to it yeah okay so and also you figured out like just like the flow state like it's weird that you talk about these weird things like you clean your room before it flow safe how on earth does that work so once again there's a sanskrit word for that means cleansing and so what people figured out is that an important part of meditation practice is people who clean their room enter the state of dion more easily than people who do not and it's just something about that like the rote mechanical like putting things in order there's some kind of like if you really think about it like cleaning is like not a mentally activating activity it is like a mentally like calming activity right so like your mind is like focused on this little menial task you can't really think about other stuff so cleaning is actually a really powerful form of almost like daruna because you know i can't really you know my mind if i'm sitting there i'll get bored and my mind can wander it can think about all kinds of things anxieties and whatnot when i'm cleaning it's like it requires just enough brain power so that i can't be anxious at the same time yeah yes when i'm stressed i clean when i do like when anything is bothering me i look around my room and i just start picking things up and it immediately alleviates it as things are getting clean yeah so it's weird but like you figured this stuff out which is fantastic so yeah so that should be and so like there are other things that you can do to prime yourself to be kind of in the present so i'm gonna have to think a little bit about you know i'll teach you a formal practice to try to get you into the flow state in a few minutes i just have to think about what that is and where you are but now i want to talk a little bit about living in the present so i want to go back to this idea of like you know if you tell yourself in order to live in the present i must go do this how do you feel about not doing those things sad because it's like in my mind that's what life is kind of all about it's like to go make those connections that to those people that you met or to like i don't know that's just and go travel see other parts of the world and me staying in my room or at my house is like more of the same so time if anything in my mind will pass quicker because it's the same it's like routine so my brain will just mesh all those days together but if i get up go somewhere and you know talk to all these people meet all these people um it it's like yeah that that's in my mind that's gonna if anything slow things down um yeah so so that makes a lot of sense so let me add a couple of like nuances or caveats here so the first is that if you're not going to a conference and you maintain your same routine at home it's not going to work at all so the goal is for you to like not do your home routine at home which i know sounds weird um but then then you may actually have to leave so like i'm not saying don't go somewhere because it could be a good idea to leave but what i want you to be careful about is going somewhere with the intention of getting the most juice out of life yeah because it is that juice it is that desire of getting the most out of something it is that hunger from the flow state which prevents you from getting into the flow state to begin with right so like i think you can go somewhere by all means like go somewhere peaceful but don't try to be in the present just go there just to hang out don't try to accomplish anything because flow states are not about accomplishing and in fact the harder you try to accomplish the further away the flow state becomes the flow state is about letting go sleep is about letting go the harder you tell yourself oh my god i need to fall asleep i need to fall asleep right now i'm gonna be so tired tomorrow i'm gonna be so tired tomorrow let's go oh let's go baby olympic sleeper let's go oh yeah let's go let's go son that's me right yeah and so the more that your mind is doing that like the less in the present you're going to be because your mind is like let's go fast forward baby like six conferences in one year like two is for scrubs yeah private school leslie like we're like we're like hey you should do ten every week he shows up and he goes to every one of those conferences and he performs like it was his last day on earth so we're gonna go to this conference it's gonna be a last conference on earth we're gonna form connections we have deep conversations let's go that's me yeah that's exactly how it feels it's like okay like this one's over now on to the next one at that one i'm gonna schedule all these times to meet all these people i'm gonna boom boom boom boom boom and then it goes like that and i'm like wow where did that go yeah absolutely right so so if we think about it you know this the speed of your thoughts is going to correlate with like something about your experience of time and there you are whipping yourself to get like the most out of this experience that the experience whooshes right by you and so in order to slow down you have to like stop trying to slow like get so much out of life you know it's sort of like okay like let's go to this conference and just see how it goes like maybe i'll i'll hang out with some people like that's cool i love that but how do i do that like i ah you love the idea of it so so this is how you do it see your problem is the question that you just asked because you're like how do i do that there it is again there's your mind do it let's go like how do i like yeah like tell me tell me how do i be in an olympic level yeah that's what i want yeah let's go sorry there you are again you see yeah yeah i'm all about efficiency in life yeah and like yeah like i when i buy things that's like best reviewed things sit with this foosley you don't you don't do what i'm telling you to do you can't do it how does that feel and if i can't do it then and then it's impossible he said i can't do it so so if i can't do it then then i might as well well keep going keep going it's new territory for you so it's going to you're saying i can't i i can't uh like what can't i do like be present i can't be present it's just not possible for me to remember yep it's just impossible so then what does your mind do well go back to the conventions and just go back to how it was if i can't achieve the other one yep yeah and in doing so you will be one step closer to being present just by acknowledging or see because it's it's it's kind of like saying like ah [ __ ] it this night is ruined i'm i'm not gonna be able to fall asleep and then it disarms the anxiety and you pass out yeah that's very true once i give up and snap my eyes open i'm like eh yeah yeah so so like so being in the present is about letting go now you understand what letting go is because when once you take that burden away from yourself that you don't have to be a ush you don't have to make the most of it are you going to go to the conference absolutely but you know what you're not going to be able to be present because you just suck at that all right so let's just go and let's just like let's at least have a good time like sure it's gonna pass me by i'm gonna feel exhausted at the end of it i'm gonna have to go back to streaming i'm gonna regret it in a couple of days and i'm gonna have all these like choice memories to hang on to and at least i'll have made the most of it but i'm not gonna be present it's gonna actually be kind of crappy it'll be like sort of fun but it'll be like exhausting it's just like it is what it is let's just go for it and then boom you'll be present but you can't trick yourself into doing that because you can't say oh oh oh this is how i'd be present i pretend that i'm not going for the presents oh oh oh let's pretend i'm gonna beat that and uh the no no you can't trick yourself you really have to just you can't do it yeah yeah this i had like um so twitchcon um is it i don't know if you've been to oh i probably haven't been to twitchcon but twitchcon is like this convention that like you know you go and it's like a very hyped up event because it's like the one time of year i'm gonna be at a place and all the people who watch me are my friends or whatever they know where to find me like this is that one place and they find each other it's like this super hype weekend everybody gets to meet each other and it's like in my mind this is the one weekend i need to be like there i need to be like as much yes anyways i do this meet up at the end of it and i remember there in my mind there was so much pressure leading up to that and me and edison actually got into a fight like right before it to the point where like i was like we're arguing and i'm like please can we make this argument end right now because i need to go to this meetup and i need to be in a good mood like i can't be crying and i was so mad at this time that was like that was like okay three o'clock you need to be at this park and you need to be happy you need to be ready to meet people and it's like two what 2 15 and i'm crying in a hotel room and me and edison are like sitting there like and he's like i don't want you i want you to be happy but like we need to resolve this and i'm like can we resolve it later it's just so i remember being so frustrated because like i just needed to be in the best mood and ready to be like and it was anyways i always come back to that when i think of time convention pressure and like needing to be yeah so i don't know that's just so here's what i'm hearing i gotta be happy let's go [ __ ] happy time good moon yeah what the hell is wrong with you why can't you be happy right now come on yep be happy right that's what i like that's the best i don't have the language there's no word yeah like that is not being in the present yeah i know what i'm hearing is accept those moments where you're not like that like edison right it sounds like you just met a dude and he's dope it's like oh my god he proposed to me he rented out the entire symphony hall and there was a 64-piece orchestra it was so great we had an instagram photographer who took care of everything no he he proposed to you with chipotle bag yeah at the end of a marathon stream where he was like mentally fatigued that's your life and it's perfect the way it is you don't need to have the script yeah right and so in terms of twitchcon by all means be on on twitchcon but what's happening the other 51 weekends of the year uh i'm working usually streaming okay so like i will allow you and it sounds so controlling but i will allow you to be bent out of shape for twitchcon let that go you can't you can't be present during twitchcon don't worry about it don't try to be present too much pressure too important too professional too important for your career fine so let that what about the other 51 weekends you know well well there's another twitchcon in europe that happened so that twitchcon as well ah oh okay so that's two out of 52. what about the other 50 then okay there's lacks okay well uh okay fine right so like like so there's like six or eight and sure so like that's where you gotta all really think about do you need to go to all these why do you need to go to all these because ah okay you know how you just described that as how my weeks are like i have an empty week on my calendar and it'll be like monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday right and i have empty bubbles for it and then my weeks all slowly fill up as people say hey can you do this sponsor hey can you do this call at this time for that sponsor hey do you want to play this game on this day hey and my brain is like yep yep yep sounds good okay oh excited cool my week's filling out doom doom so i slowly start typing it at all and then my week starts going like it looks i'm like whoa and i read that out and then people are like you need to slow down yeah yep so so that's where the key thing there is when you get that phone call what happens in your mind can you do this it says well okay well yes so for me it's like of course i can do that i want to do that because uh if it's a sponsor it's like well it goes back to well here's x amount of dollars and i'm not going to be able to make x amount of dollars when i'm 35 because i'm not gonna have a job in my mind because that you know back to where i thought so now i must work now so yes i will take that and the call i have to take that because that goes along with the sponsor uh you know and then my friends asked me to play a game well of course i'm gonna play the game because i knock two things out at once i get to hang out with my friends and work so and content double which you know so of course so it starts to fill out like that and then everything is like i can always reason it back to of course yes yes must yes yep so so good so the couple random questions are you afraid of death do you i always think death a lot all the time twice a day twice a day yeah okay yeah you sound something to me like someone who's afraid of death um so so um wait what does that mean you sound to me like someone who's afraid of death like i mean everyone's a little bit afraid of death but this sounds to me like someone who like thinks about it twice a day yeah okay um so so because it's kind of like this idea that like you know once you're gone you can't have anything with anyone so there's a certain like desperation to like living life it's like you've got to live as much life as you can before it's too late so oddly enough you know one thing that you can do is work on your fear of death and as you get more comfortable with that a lot of the stuff will actually melt away um it's weird but there's a there's an interesting book called the tibetan book of living and dying and and there's a there's there's a particular sect of monks who sort of think that all of our fears and attachments come from a fear of death hasn't been really my experience i think you know some of our attachments come from you know seeing ayush every week uh but yeah you know but but i i think so sorry for i just wanted to check that box or try to see if this kind of makes sense but um kind of coming back to what to do so i want you to notice that in that chain there's one really important thing which is like when i'm 35 this opportunity won't be available yeah and in a sense that could be true but like why is that a problem um because then you know in my mind i'm my work i always think uh protect yourself from the worst case scenario so you know when a time when like cancel culture is very real um and i've seen like a lot of my peers just like lose their jobs and stuff i kind of like don't know what i do without my job right now or like i'm not sure how to handle it so i kind of want to like cushion myself for like that time when i'm unemployed so that's why so foosley i think this this gets tricky i think it's probably beyond the scope of what we can cover because this is a whole thing that we do with like creators as a whole like in our i don't know if you know this but we have like a creator coaching program so there's like you know we talk about you know like cancel ptsd and and things like that but um we just this is where i think there's a balance between being like calculated and acknowledging that this opportunity may not last forever and also recognizing that there is the truth of that and then there is the fear of that right and be really careful about which one is dictating your actions because i suspect that strategizing for it and being afraid of it that you're actually like a little bit heavier on the fear end of the spectrum so that's what's causing you to like take too many opportunities yeah and what we actually find is that like when people start to really acknowledge this that actually their performance actually improves right so it's kind of weird but like we had a call in from an investment banker a couple like a week ago monday maybe and and it's i've worked with a lot of investment bankers and they're so anxious about doing a good job that they do a bad job you know absolutely right because it's like i'm trying so hard it's like uh gotta be calm gotta be relaxed gotta sound good like gotta be in a good mood gotta crack jokes gotta be impressive gotta do all of it and then like the more you uh it like the worse you do and so what actually happens is like like what i have to train them in is like learning how to let go of doing a good job right and the more you let go of doing a good job like sure you have to account you can't like show up on twitch and like you know drop n bombs or like say like really like of course you're going to get cancelled but like the strategic thinking around avoiding getting cancelled and the fear of getting canceled controlling your decisions and like letting that desperation drive you is not going to lead to like contentment happiness and living in the present it's going to lead to the rat race rat race like it's gonna read lead to this idea of like you know constantly on the move always got to be grinding fast forward yeah that's me right and so yeah i mean i think you just really got to be careful about that decision-making process and like ask yourself when am i giving in to fear like is this decision strategic or fearful and there's always going to be a good reason to take those calls right and so just think a little bit about like try to block off one time where there's like no stuff during that time and then you're going to want to move it around and someone's going to be like can you do this and they're like yeah oh i can do that yeah absolutely and then just be aware like no this is my time and you're gonna have to do things that can are gonna feel stupid to you like it's gonna feel dumb like i'm gonna miss out on this opportunity yeah you're gonna miss out on the opportunity absolutely that's the point you need to learn how to miss out on opportunities yeah and then you'll be able to be in the present and during that time of nothingness like is there something i should do god that's a terrible question you're learning you see you see you see how like how calcified it is yeah it's my first thought like what do i do during that time of nothing um yeah dr k how can i make the how can i make the most productive use of my nothingness time how do i be the most efficient is there a practice can i meditate a particular way yes yes so notice the absurdity of it right it's like what how do i have the most fun during my relaxation time yes ah it's ingrained it is absolutely right so that's how our mind works it's ingrained the good news is that every time you notice it foosley it gets less ingrained yeah so noticing actually chips away at it and then i will give you a practice so let me just think about that unless you have other questions no that was very helpful like that just that yeah yeah good right so so like here's the cool thing is that when you made that realization you weren't oh right you were like lol that's what it is it's like it's like a realization that's actually calm the harder you try like you weren't actually paying attention you caught it you didn't hunt it does that make sense at that moment and so that's what happens those moments of realization are not hunted they're discovered and there's a big difference one is doing one is being i'm just scared that like i mean i have to cut like it's very easy for me to fall back into that like i need sure you in my head to remind me you know yeah yeah so so this is where foosley no you don't you don't need me because it's okay to fall back into it that's you see how like it's okay to fall like you're gonna fall so be it you don't need to be perfect that's like a slightly different thing but it's kind of the same thing where you don't need me you're fine just the way you are you caught it like i didn't point it out to you you caught it yourself have faith right you'll catch it true okay so meditation okay so i'm gonna teach you a technique that is a little bit um has two parts so one part i'm happy to teach um today and then if you do this technique for some amount of time and we do meet at a convention i will teach you part two but part two really shouldn't be talked publicly it's not like shady or anything but um it you know other humans can be in the room it's not but but it is it is something that's like a little bit more so there are some cases of meditation-induced psychosis and meditation is not without risks so this is a technique that like sometimes like needs to be taught like when people are ready for it so i won't like teach it publicly oh okay it does it doesn't have to be like late at night or like other humans can be in the room i just don't want to teach it on stream or even i can teach you privately in a call in a video call um but there's sort of a phase one and there's a phase two okay because phase two is like really intense um but phase one is gonna be uh a technique called thrataka which i think would be a good fit for you so trotaka's fixed point gazing so here are the reasons that i think it'll be good for you first is that technically it's a should be technique it's a cleansing technique even though we teach it as meditation what it actually does is sort of cleanse your mind that's the mechanism through which it works antarctica is fixed point gazing so what we're going to do is teach you to stare at like one point and like just stare at it without closing your eyes and then the reason the long-term reason i'm sort of picking this a couple of other things from a temperamental standpoint one is that it sounds like you're actually good at focusing your attention like you practice you practice this sounds like every night before you go to bed so this is going to be practicing your attention in a slightly different way it's a hard technique to teach people like usually for introductions i'll teach like breathing stuff because breathing is easy it's a little bit more hardcore it's a little bit more okay which you're so good at and the second thing is the second phase of this technique will start to help you work on that fear of death okay so that's why i want to kind of teach you this so what i'm gonna do is pull something up okay okay sorry for you know if i was creeping you out with all the has to be taught in private no no i i didn't think it was i just was like what what could be yet to go like i don't know i just i was just yeah not creeped out let me ask you something um what do you want in your life i know it's kind of a broad question what do you want i want um like can i just list off a bunch of things that i want yes go for it happiness my parents happiness to make an impact meaningful connections to people um to be present and yeah and um to be secure in like financially but also just myself to accept myself um if i had to give you a choice between power wisdom and happiness which one would you pick happiness okay perfect alright so this is what we're gonna do i'm going to show you i'm going to screen share something with you okay uh how am i going to do this we're going to do see if this works nope so we're not gonna see your yeah we'll just stick with this one okay so then what i'm gonna do we're gonna move this over here so and then share can you see this yes okay so this is what i want you to do so what we're going to do is look at um so i want you to i'm going to ask you to focus your eyes on the red dot in the center do you see the red dot in the center yep okay so i'll explain the practice first so what we're going to do is try to look at the red dot in the center without blinking and then what i'm going to have you do is rotate your attention to different things so i'll ask you like what colors you see in particular places but i don't want you to change where your eyes are looking i want you to keep your eyes focused on the red dot but then kind of answer my questions okay okay so a couple of things about thratika so you know there's going to be a little bit of a strain on the eyes if it starts to get like really unbearable you can go ahead and close them but we're gonna do our best not to blink and not to close our eyes okay we're gonna try to not blink for about 60 seconds to begin with you may end up blinking which is okay you can do a quick blink and then open them again and then keep looking okay okay so start by closing your eyes sitting up straight and take a deep breath and another just take a moment just keep breathing deeply take a moment to just sort of notice that the conversation has been pretty animated we've talked about a lot of stuff maybe there's a lot to think about whatever notice just all those kind of thoughts all these desires goals whatever just kind of notice the energy of the conversation and that now we're going to kind of recalibrate and just for a few moments we're going to be completely encompassed by our practice and that the stream and the rest of the world will kind of continue onward outside of our bubble but that for a few moments like 60 seconds 90 seconds maybe two or three minutes we're just going to try to be at this inside this bubble and now when you're ready open your eyes and then stare at the red dot are you looking yes so now what i want you to do is tell me while you're staring at the red dot what is the outermost color of the image um yellow okay and what is the next color inside the yellow green and then inside that yellow and inside that blue and inside that yellow and inside that um yellow okay so now what i want you to do is go all the way look at each color put your attention on each color on your own just like i'm asking you and notice the color and then move in and move in and move in at your own pace and try to keep all of your kind of like keep your eyes focused on the dot and let your concentration collapse inward towards the dot one layer at a time this is very difficult yes it is so move at your own pace it's okay [Music] it's really hard i can't do this so so then go close okay closer to the screen no no no no just look at the red dot just okay put all of your attention now on the red dot okay okay just stare at the red dot and then look at the color that is closest to the red dot what do you see yellow and what's the color outside of that green and then black and then red and then blue now go back in um red black green yellow red and now let yourself just rest on the red just focus fully drive your attention towards it focus on it do your best not to blink we're gonna try to go for 10 more seconds and now close your eyes and what i want you to do is notice the after image do you see the after image yes just look at it just let yourself see what's there let your breathing relax and we'll just meditate silently and you can just focus on the image for about another minute yes you may start to notice it kind of fading away no problem let it go see if you can find it if you can't focus on your breathing it's not so much about finding or holding as it is waiting for it to appear foreign and now we're going to take three deep breaths breathe in for three seconds and out for three seconds in for three and out for five and in for three and out for seven nice slow exhalation as you finish your breath put your palms together in front of you rub them together and then cup your hands your palms over your eyes and while your palms are over your eyes go ahead and open and then let your hands come down how are you feeling yeah that was hard that was hard um i wasn't sure what to expect from that the picture so i thought in the beginning i thought that i didn't like it the colors all start to turn to gray so i was like oh oh like i thought well in my mind i have it's like my eyes i was wondering if there's something wrong with my eyes so i was like trying to blink to clear it but it would work but i realized after i realized that i'm sort of supposed to struggle there um then i was able to let that go and focus more um after closing my eyes the the image was very vivid and i could point out every color backwards um or like they weren't the same colors but i could point out the negatives i suppose and then um like clear as day and then as i struggled to see it more it would fade and when i'd relax it would show up again and so it was kind of like the more i wanted it the less i could have it and then if i just yeah perfect so this is a technique to train you to learn how to find what you're looking for by not looking right so do this technique and like yeah that's what we're looking for right because you'll begin like literally your brain will learn how to like let go and like let things come right and the last thing i'll leave you with foosley you are where you are because of your hard work but you're really where you are because you let things come right like i don't know if you went out and hunted for edison you know but not at all you let him come oh god i wasn't thinking like i wasn't thinking like that no i didn't know it's like it's like that you like you know you can't like as i was doing the yoga talk i was doing the yoga talk you can't blame me for it it's the natural thing to say yes it is it is no and i was thinking about it that way that i was thinking about it in the other way and then and then i would guess yeah no but really right like i mean like you like you allow things to i can't i can't yes you know what i mean yes yes it is i went i didn't go looking for him at all right stumble that's a good word yes right like so you just let him stumble into your life and like that's you like like life is like just let it stumble into you you know you don't need to go looking for it so hard fantastic so do this practice i'd say you know start with 60 seconds you can work your way up to like three minutes five minutes if you want an alternative you can also look at a candle flame and and if you look at a candle flame like what you can do is like you know you can just see the colors in the room and then work your way in and so oddly enough really foosley it's not about getting it right like that's the other thing that you can learn to let go of just like you did like know what you know it's not great there's no grades what you're really practicing is just the struggle of attention and then letting go right so it's not actually about the colors is are you gonna send the photo yeah i'll i'll send you it's it's called the sri anthro but yes i will send you a photo i will send you a photo so other thing is i would recommend that you print it out or you can like order them on amazon or something so ideally you're not looking at a screen because that does all kinds of other things to your brain but i'll i will send you the photo okay okay okay yes thank you very much thank you that was oh that was amazing i'm like i'm like thinking so much about things and and uh and i didn't even i like the direction it took um because yeah because those are things that i think on a every single day basis i struggle with like just fine like just trying to squeeze the juice out of out of life at every moment and i'm always like how can i be the most efficient do this do this do this and chasing that and like and all that so that was great so fantastic thank you for your time thank you for yeah it was great to meet you and and yeah thank you thanks bye bye okay chat then who are we rating dragon deez nuts bend over these nuts

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 143,642

Rating: 4.9639702 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist

Id: Zv8JdXIHquk

Length: 117min 40sec (7060 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 13 2021