Overcoming Insecurities w/ Hafu

the third thing this is probably the most important one which i had said is that like you're gonna notice when people are quiet um so what do we what uh what do you go by by the way do am i calling you hafu or should i go oh my god is great okay and um what do you want to talk about today whatever i'm down to talk about whatever okay that's pretty vague how are you feeling i am feeling okay today i'm feeling good today is a good day some days i don't feel as good and it probably has to do with viewer numbers if i'm being candid okay and um it feels like maybe i should be able to do more or maybe i should have been able to put up better content or something um and if i don't win any games i'm in a really bad mood so you and the rest of the internet yeah so today you're feeling good and you said in the past sometimes you feel less good um so let me just ask you because i'm kind of feeling a little bit different today so um do you want to talk about like how stuff works or do you want to talk a little bit more about like your emotions and your experience of things i think either i feel like i have a pretty i mean i think everyone can use therapy i'm not saying that i'm too smart for therapy or anything like that but i feel like when i was younger i was very unhappy i was definitely depressed and it was kind of cool because i was so like depressed and insecure i put all my time and energy into wow as an escape and i actually become a pro wow player and that gave me a lot of confidence because it was i got it yeah that's my fiance he's also the streamer um but it gave me a lot of confidence and um i kind of used like game theory to psychoanalyze myself and basically in games i would be like why am i losing i don't know uh that's not a good thing why don't i know why i'm losing because i don't have enough information about the game i would like try to pinpoint the you know exactly what i had to do against every class and um kind of learn from there and so i kind of saw myself like what what do i not like about myself i didn't like anything about myself when i was 17. let me tell you and i was like very passive-aggressive i'd kind of like lie all the time um to just try to like make myself feel better i would talk poorly about others all the time i didn't like how i looked like everything and then i kind of went down the line of you know what can i fix and what do i have to just kind of live with and yeah now i'm i feel like now i'm 29 and um i kind of fix a lot of those things i think i over fix the passive aggressive thing i'm too blunt now i'm a little too blunt so that's something i'm working on um is to not be brutally honest and i can phrase things in a better way but other than that i feel like i'm happy with who i am okay so that was not what i was expecting oh um no i mean i i find myself being incredibly curious about everything that you just summarized oh like how so here's what i'm hearing this is a 17 year old hafu who lies a lot is passive aggressive hates everything about herself goes on this like journey of introspection and then is now largely happy with who she is as a person yeah which sounds like maybe we should learn about that journey because maybe there's something really really important there sure um and then also if there are particular things that you still want to kind of talk about or try to understand uh you know we can talk about 29 year old hafu yeah then congratulations on being engaged thank you i still definitely have a chip on my shoulder um one thing that uh my entire gaming career i've always had people tell me i don't deserve it and i'm trying to like kind of like tear down my successes um for example in world of warcraft they said i played with the two best players and i was just kind of like carried to winning a bunch of tournaments um and then i won i went pro in a second game called bloodline champions where i won dreamhack they told me that i played with the two best players i know deserve it um pretty much like in every single achievement that i've done in gaming people try to take it away from me but now at this point it's a bit ridiculous like i don't think anyone tried to take away my pogchamps 2 victory um i don't know it's gotten better over the years a game oh it was a chess tournament you know um that streamers get invited too okay uh so they invited all these streamers and um i won yeah it was uh like they it's like hikaru and like the bow test sisters they they coach all like they coach streamers and then the streamers face off um but yeah lately lately as i've had more and more achievements people have kind of just backed off a bit but they're still you know on the thread there's always that one [ __ ] who just still tries to say that i don't deserve it and stuff it's annoying it's deep down it does annoy me and i always feel like i have something to prove um and that's something i'm working on because whenever i see someone else like botes try to defend herself um to haters telling her like oh you're only successful because you're a pretty girl and some like i'm like oh don't defend yourself you don't need to explain yourself because i feel the same way like you're very energetic oh i've had a lot of coffee but um yeah i feel like i still that's something i want to work on is i don't feel like i should feel the need to prove myself over and over because some people are just going to tear down my achievements no matter what i do or what i accomplish or how many things i've done you know and um but i can't help it i always feel like i need to prove myself yeah where does that come from um like i said just when i was younger it's just all i heard i i've always felt like each one of my achievements is like an echo chamber of like people being like you don't actually deserve it and you just got lucky or like you only have viewers because you're female or you know there's always some excuse and um you're not actually that good blah blah here are some stats um and i oh god i got into it with my fiance because he's he's really really good at games and he doesn't understand my struggle okay so one of our biggest fights was like he doesn't understand the kind of comments that i get as an asian female versus him being a white male and like i don't know like no one really tries to tear his achievements down and i would try to explain that to him and he didn't understand it at first but now he like kind of can see more from my point of view that just um yes i don't know maybe it's not stupid but it feels like girls have a lot more to prove in the gaming space sure what does he understand now that he didn't understand before that there's inherent biases in that like no one questions his achievements the way that they try to pick apart mine for the validity of mine whenever he wins something he doesn't have people be like okay but he's not that good like he doesn't get those kinds of comments sure and he did yeah it's just like because he doesn't get it he thinks that it's fine when i get mine i don't know he can't relate to it at all because it doesn't happen to him and for the um sorry oh i mean the example i always use that helped him realize was i was on his stream and someone called me a corona [ __ ] and i was like they're tagging in one little phrase they're attacking my gender and my race right things that i'm are out of my control and for him he was complaining that people said his voice was boring and i was like you don't see how these are different these are like they come from a different place i don't know so what i'm hearing is that sort of early on he wasn't appreciating the significance yeah of course we have struggles right yeah but i mean he it sounds like maybe he was equating some of his struggles to some of your struggles and you felt like that was an unfair comparison yes yeah that every he says like everyone gets bad comments yeah and i was like yeah excited but it's not the same it's not the same thing yeah it would always annoy me what's different about it well one is completely out of my control they're attacking things that i'm born with and have nothing to do with even the game right they're just like basically um just attacking me as a human being instead of like an aspect about me i guess so they're not calling you a shitty player which oh they did that too but you know they do that with the other stuff and um i don't know i just always felt like i had to defend myself for why i got viewers or um i don't know dumb stuff can i think for a second yeah my child wants to tell me to say no when you can say no can i think for a second everyone's like say no say no yeah i just think it's funny that is it a meme from your stream yep sorry okay it has trickled over so i do something pretty unusual which i i guess you know has become specific to me which is that sometimes in conversation i actually pause to think and i don't just keep talking yeah that's fair um i think it's good too but you know by all means say no to satisfy your chat and let's see what happens because no one's ever said no no no no someone's gonna do it one day yeah so okay hafu let's let's talk about so um all right so you feel like you've got something to prove yes yeah and i know that i shouldn't feel that way but i can't help but feel that way why shouldn't you feel that way because you can't ever please everyone and there's some people who are just i don't know they just live to tear other people down so i'm gonna thank god i'm gonna just point something out so i shouldn't feel that way i think that that doesn't help you solve the problem well feeling up getting upset about it doesn't fix the problem yes agreed so getting getting upset about a problem doesn't fix a problem but when you get upset about your a problem and then you beat yourself up for it anyway by telling yourself i shouldn't feel this way you're actually like joining the enemy right because what you're doing is yes so this is weird so i i want you to just think about this let's say that like you know i feel insecure about my face okay okay and then then if i feel insecure about my face like what's you know that like telling myself that i shouldn't feel insecure is actually like invalidating the way that i feel right so imagine for a second that you you told your boyfriend you know when i get called a corona [ __ ] on stream it's different from people commenting on your voice and then he says you shouldn't feel that way how would you respond to him i slapped the [ __ ] out of him absolutely right but when you feel insecure about yourself and then you tell yourself the same thing what do you do to yourself i don't think i'm a corona [ __ ] yeah but my point is that like you tell yourself you shouldn't feel that way and that's totally cool but if he tells you you shouldn't feel that way it's the same message but if it's coming from your mind or his mouth the response is completely different do you see that yeah it's a bad message but we tell ourselves that for like i don't we'll get into that but i just want to point that out to you that like actually if you stop and think about it it's absurd and all we have to do is transmit your thoughts to his mouth and then you quickly see that like it's like not actually okay to not feel that way but don't you think that i should if i pay too much attention to all the negative things don't you think streamers would just collapse i think let me let me rephrase i think or reframe the question if they pay attention to too many negative things would they collapse probably but i feel like yeah yeah go ahead oh just you know i i mean you're a streamer so i'm sure you can relate to this but like stream i mean for streamers and anyone in the public eye you get like thousands and thousands of affirmations right and then for the one for the few people who are loud and rude you still those stick out more than the thousands of affirmations right is that not that's pretty normal no that's pretty normal for streamers yes that's what i'm saying so like i i know that if i like focus on only the negatives it will overrule me so what i try to do is just to ignore them yep yeah i understand so so cool so this is why i was thinking because this is going to be tricky to navigate but it's going to be awesome so you have developed an adaptive system right so like let's just think off i'm going to pull out an ipad in a second okay so should i do it now let me think about that no i'm not allowed to think okay okay so we're gonna do this if you can't fault if it's easier or it's hard to follow me because i'm about to get abstract okay i'm gonna pay attention to my chat you pay attention to your chat and then you let me know if i should bust it out okay so here's the thing you have this idea which is okay i can't afford to focus on the negative therefore when i feel negative i'm gonna fight against that negativity so telling yourself i should i shouldn't feel that way is a fighting against the negativity and essentially an antidote to focusing on the negative from other people no i didn't follow okay i've had time okay so this is this is what i'm saying okay so like you've got there's positive stuff on the internet and there's negative stuff right yes and so the negative stuff from this is from the internet enters your mind so here's your mind okay so then you've got negativity in your mind okay okay so they say for example you don't deserve it okay you uh you don't deserve it so then what happened so like let's just think about this when when you encounter something with your sense organs it enters your mind and then this thought is present in your mind okay so then what happens is in order to block this thought you have another thought you shouldn't care feel that way sure care is better shorter okay now we can't see the ipad that's not my fault hold on hold on good point thanks okay yeah i don't know what you're saying i mean i don't know what you're writing yep thanks a lot missed okay so we gotta i forgot one step oh oh there we go okay ah oh okay i was like okay you're just writing stuff okay okay i'm gonna okay zoom in on that one so so let me walk you through this again okay no no it's not okay i'm a boomer because i'm okay so this is the positive and negative stuff is over here okay this is from the outside this is your mind and so it enters your mind and then this thought gets transmitted from the outside into your mind okay you with me and then what you do so this is the you know in terms of like biochemistry and neuroscience and stuff we use this symbol to imply inhibition okay okay so and then so this is the thought that you tell yourself to [Music] fight against this idea that you don't deserve it you with me yes okay but now now as we pointed out this thought is actually invalidating right you remember like why so so so because like like we said with your boyfriend like if you feel bad in a particular way and your boyfriend says you sure sorry fiance says you shouldn't care you'd slap him across the face yeah right and and so what that means is that like oddly enough when we feel bad about something instead of invalid like like telling ourselves um because when you say you shouldn't care it's sort of like saying like you're stupid for caring uh yeah it's more like yeah go ahead you shouldn't care because if you care every time then like you can't do anything about people like that if you waste energy being upset then you will be upset most of the time i agree so remember this is an adaptive response yeah it's like the best it's not a perfect thing but it's more like the best way to handle it because your brain can't ignore all of the negativity yep but if you focus on the negativity and you allow yourself to get upset over every time and try to defend yourself from it every time then it becomes more and more toxic completely agree completely i think you shouldn't care is the best response that i have i completely agree which is why so so here's the thing when you tell yourself you don't care what happens to this thought that it doesn't matter so what's the chip on your shoulder that there's still people saying that [ __ ] is annoying right so what this means okay so so what this means is like this is still an open wound right like the reason that this is the chip on your shoulder is because this is the feeling that you invalidate for yourself so essentially what your adaptive response does is takes that emotional hurt and makes it dormant right so you suppress it by telling yourself you shouldn't care but the problem is that it continues to live there and you never really get free of it but there's no solution other than like there's no better way to deal with it like i understand what you're saying what i'm doing is sweeping it under the rug right yep very good yes i understand but there's nothing i can do i can't do anything about it i can't i can't yeah i feel like that's the best way to handle it do you suggest another way to handle it absolutely i'm going to teach you another way oh okay right so so it totally okay so let's talk for a second all right so hold on no [ __ ] oh this will be interesting yeah because whenever i've thought about this it was like there's nothing i can do to control other people so the best way i can oh [ __ ] hung up on her sorry hello yeah sorry i just was i tried to stop screen sharing with you and hung up on you instead because oh you're all good you're all good okay yeah i mean from my perspective it's the best way because there is no other solution i i understand where you're coming from and i think that's what gets us into these problems is that we've lost the understanding of like how this stuff works so i i think that that it's very good that you have developed this adaptive response but i think that in general if we want to grow as people what happens is that our minds and our brains come up with the best answer that they know how and when did you start telling yourself that you shouldn't feel that way um i'm gonna cry but i used to just get a lot of harassment on twitch and oh i'm gonna cry i knew it's gonna cut at some point but just it used to be really bad for me and twitch didn't have any systems to protect streamers and i had to make the choice between like streaming or quitting right like i either had to just live with it in order to quit and i almost did quit i almost did quit um it's gotten so much better over the years and i don't face any of that now so it's in the past but is it a lot of it is it's like i can't even express how bad it was i can't even express how bad it was it was so [ __ ] bad back then but you know it was my career and i always felt like you know streaming is my job i dropped out of college where it's something i love doing and just felt like i had to uh i had to suck it up or i had to quit and so i really tried to suck it up for a long long long time and i got to a breaking point and i almost did quit and i don't even remember why i didn't but um yeah i mean i i have no complaints anymore i have a really nice community and everyone's nice and everyone else's communities too whenever i collab with people and it's been so much better um but i felt like if i didn't have the attitude that i would just break you know like i couldn't do anything else about it it was so bad that i would bottle it up and then just like break down once every month it'd be like when i'm pmsing or something and i i like couldn't handle it i'd take a day off and i would just cry every month i haven't cried in so long to be honest but i remember it was so so so hard but i mean what else could i do like i don't know it felt like it was the only thing i knew how to do was stream so i just felt like i should just suck it up it sounds like you felt really trapped yeah really really trapped but yeah like i said it's gotten so much better now and times are changing and like i don't know harassment used to be like cool like 10 years ago it really was and i feel like that has changed and i can't emphasize how grateful i am for like twitch you know like there's auto mod there's like i don't know a lot of there's just a lot more tools to help streamers and uh yeah i haven't i haven't even thought about it in so long i've just been so grateful the last few years i've been very happy and i yeah i don't have that to complain about anymore for sure sorry i'm crying a lot but yeah it was definitely something i had to teach myself was just to care less because i i remember talking to destiny about this uh you know destiny the stream right he's a good friend of mine and he's like the only thing you can do is let it not affect you because there's nothing you can do to control other people because it's not gonna stop and i was like yeah that's right i have to change how i think about it because it's like the only thing i can do and um so yeah that's how i handled it for years and years so halfway i'm gonna do something a little bit unorthodox so a lot of times when people come on stream and they share powerful feelings i try to explore those feelings with them to sort of help them work through it not gonna do that right now we can do it in a little bit okay how do you understand you used to cry a lot right and what i said is that when you tell yourself let me just walk you through what my opinion is okay just so we can kind of get to this point so you get hate from the internet it hurts you this whole emotion that you're feeling started with the question when did you start or when did you learn to tell yourself not to care and when i was explaining i said that when you when you invalidate your own feelings what you cause them to do is to go dormant so it's a symptomatic relief okay it's sort of like saying um you know i can let me just think of a good example so if i've got like you know if i'm sick and i take like ibuprofen or tylenol or acetaminophen it'll make the fever go away but as soon as i as soon as the tylenol wears off the fever comes back yeah right and so what we see is you're constantly telling yourself you shouldn't feel this way you shouldn't feel this way you shouldn't feel this way you're also saying that this is the only thing i knew how to do which is completely understandable because it tends to be how our mind reacts to things so good for you for finding that inner strength to invalidate yourself for years and years and years and then you say that it's in the past and this is my whole point is that like it hasn't solved anything because we can ask you one question and all of those feelings that you've buried and swept under the rug are like right underneath the surface yeah they are they are definitely there but it doesn't i don't have to deal with it anymore so it feels like it's done you know yep yeah it certainly feels that way because you're taking tylenol every day because you're telling yourself you shouldn't care but the reason that you're not at peace is because it's still there and it's like trickling up these thoughts of doubt right because in your mind somewhere along the way so if you tell yourself i shouldn't think this way what that also means is that there is a part of you that does think that way yeah does that make sense so there's actually a part of you that does believe that you don't deserve it which in turn means that since you have that insecurity that's why the things that they say hurt so much because if we look at the nature of insecurity you know people can say a thousand bad things about people but what my mind is going to do is to latch on the one thing that hits where it hurts that's the [ __ ] in my armor yeah that makes sense right and so like you're continuing they're continually like getting through the [ __ ] in your armor and you're continually like healing yourself up by telling yourself you shouldn't have to you know feel this way and so the other solution which is you can't figure this [ __ ] out on your on your own so i think your solution was a good one it's the one that most streamers come up with but the more permanent solution is to fix the [ __ ] in the armor to get to the root of that insecurity because if you get to the root of the insecurity if like someone says if someone starts hating on you for your love of mayonnaise like you're not going to give a [ __ ] about that because you're not insecure about your love of mayonnaise right like it just bounces their their hate will just bounce right off of you and i'm sure you've faced a lot of hate in your life but like a lot of it bounces right off right even at the beginning you said that there's a small portion that like cracks through people can say 99 good things and they can even say 10 bad things and then like the one that really like you're worried about is the one that's gonna get through yeah thoughts about this questions um i'm trying to think i don't fully agree because i'm being very honest good i know that i'm [ __ ] good at games and i know that i deserve all of my achievements but it's annoying to have to read on every thread that i do well on people trying to literally you know like leaf through all of my accomplishments to try to belittle them but i genuinely think that i deserve my achievements i would i completely agree so so i don't so this is where what's really confusing for a lot of people is that our mind doesn't think one way right there's a part of your mind i'd say 95 of your mind if i just had to give you odds 95 of your mind is confident in your achievements and you know that their haters are going to hate yeah the problem is that five percent of you actually believes it which is why you have to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel that way so you can believe that you are confident and you deserve your success and at the same time you can believe that you don't deserve it which is mind-boggling you think you think i really so you think i take offense to it because i really at the root of it don't believe i deserve it not at the root that simultaneously you've got two roots you've got a very big tree which says i do deserve it and right next to it you have a smaller tree which says i don't deserve it but i really do think i deserve it i know you do i think i i think if if if the if that i deserve it tree wasn't as big and strong as it was you wouldn't be able to make it as a streamer what i'm saying is that i can ask you a relatively benign question which is where did you learn how to tell yourself i shouldn't you shouldn't like when i asked a relatively benign question we weren't i didn't like walk you to an emotional point right like yeah i didn't like i was just like i'm drawing a [ __ ] picture on an ipad and then i turn it off and i ask you one question and boom all these emotions come off yeah yeah yeah that tells me that there's something dormant there there's emotional energy that's dormant and we like kind of like struck gold right like just from a mental standpoint no i mean i think being a streamer is really taxing i think everyone whose dreams can relate because you you know you hear so many good things but you also hear a lot of bad things and like you said some of them do get through they do hit some things that make you know hit points of insecurity for sure but um yeah i mean people handle it in different ways i i understand what you're saying but i feel like i can't solve can everyone solve all their insecurities well so the answer to that i believe is yes really yep and you're gonna care about nothing yes what sure zero things so zero things that people say to you affects you yes are you superman dude no so so they they have they have they have a they have a st i mean that's been well described right so like there's this religion called buddhism in this religion called hinduism but the buddhism buddhism okay yeah right and so in buddhism they have a system of training to attain a state of moksha or enlightenment which is a state of eternal bliss which is what you're talking about and the cool thing is that like if we think about it in your case you're saying can you solve all insecurities you don't need to solve all insecurities hafu you need to solve one insecurity [ __ ] the rest of them i mean whatever okay okay right so like later in life you may be if you you know choose or lucky or unlucky enough to have kids however whatever your value system is then i'm sure you're going to get a whole new crop of insecurities about being a sufficient mother so you'll continue to have them but what i'm saying is it seems like there's one insecurity that affects you effect isn't the right word that demands a lot of your cognitive energy on a relatively regular basis that keeps you from being at peace you have to work at it which i don't want for you i want you to just be chill right like i want you to be like free of that and be like have a mind that's like tranquil that doesn't have to fight against that i understand but it's like fighting against systematic like i i hate talking about but like there's sexism right there's like definitely misogyny on twitch just in gaming in general because it's so male dominated sure and so i feel like i'm fighting against that which is so ridiculous like instead of fighting against it just to be at peace with it does that make sense i know i'm not fully at peace but that's what it feels like i'm trying to fight it's like that's not a war i wanna wage i don't wanna like but you fight the battle already yeah but it's just some people you just i don't know because it affects me that then yeah yeah i'm not talking about dealing with toxicity or masculinity or male dominated whatever you say twitch has gotten a lot better what i'm talking about what i'm talking about is that despite the fact that twitch has gotten a lot better you carry this thing with you it's a chip on your shoulder and what i am hypothesizing to you is that there is a method to get the chip off your shoulder and it has nothing to do with fixing the internet go ahead question i think it's a chip that every girl has to kind of wear on that's sad and if i had my way it is sad but it's the truth and i mean the world isn't perfect but it's getting better and that's fine and like i mean it's a world that i it's a world that i choose to live in right like i'm choosing to be a streamer and i i mean my demographic on twitch was 97 male until this year and then i have like a 20 female fan base now like it's it's because of the numbers right like you can't help it when i don't i don't agree so here's here's what it is yeah sure yeah so so so let me let me let me share my perspective the world is gonna be what it is we can't control the world i completely agree if you're a female streamer are you gonna have to deal with toxicity and hatred due to your race the various fetishes of your audience and your gender absolutely i completely agree with you that you cannot fix that i also agree with you that if you are a female streamer on twitch you are going to have to deal with that yes i completely agree can you change that actually i'm not going to say you can't change that because with concerted effort as a community we can change that but what i'm saying is that all of that is outside of you okay and the outside world sends things it's like i want you to think about the barrier of your house right and there's a lot of stuff going on outside and some things from outside of your house enter into your house yes they cross the plain of the outside world and into your mind and what i'm saying is that a chip you can have so i'm trying to help the internet with their mental health it is a huge problem but it is not a chip on my shoulder it is not something that causes me pain it is not something that i struggle with every day in fact it does the exact opposite it's a buff the weight of the problem that i'm trying to solve allows me because of the way i mean now i'm gonna sound kind of you know like i'm awesome which okay but because of the way that i've been taught to train my mind the weight of the challenges against me gives me fuel yeah yeah yeah right and i know everyone understands that like i know you've been in that situation where you have dealt with really painful challenging in unsolvable circumstances and that's when you go super saiyan and what i'm telling you is that it is my belief and has been my experience that despite the world being the way that it is when it crosses into your mind based on the way that you your mind has evolved to deal with that has left has allowed you to survive but has cost you peace and what i'm saying is that there's a possibility that there's a different way and that you resist that is wonderful i'll i'm gonna try to convince you but is great well it's like okay i i yeah i think i'm understanding what you're saying but i don't agree that you're saying that you can control what comes into your barrier right is that what you're saying yes what you bring in and i'm saying that i don't think that's possible of course of course you i feel like if you try to control that too much i just that's that's a big battle dude you're damn right it is i'm not willing to fight that war okay okay so so so that's fair so i think you're right actually so you say it may be impossible but what i'm really hearing you saying is that sounds [ __ ] exhausting and it is very it's exhausting it's very difficult and it's not say it yeah finish your thoughts not worth it because like okay the base example is like let's say a girl and a guy are playing a competitive game they both have 20 000 viewers which streamer do which one of them do you think is better at the game i think people always think the guy is better i i have no idea okay i'm just saying this is like the it's like it's like an instant assumption that the guy is [ __ ] good at the game and that's what that's like an instant bias and it's not like a very harmful bias but it also is at the same time and that's the kind of thing that i feel like it's not worth fighting against because it's you know biases happen for a reason it's not rights but it's just how it is i assume that the guy is better and that's [ __ ] up i'm just saying there's like a lot of things that are just ingrained that it's just uh you can't change the world inst you know like you can't change the twitch world instantly it's because what am i talking about changing what's your understanding of what i'm talking about changing where is the effort that we're putting in what direction is it pointed is it pointed outside of the house or inside the house yeah but i would my stream be inside my house would my chat be inside my house very good question what do you think because if it is because i would say you would consider it is because that's the stuff you're allowing to enter your mind right okay so so so yeah so this is exactly so yeah okay cool so let me start with this you said this sounds really hard and it sounds like it's not worth it and i completely agree with you so there's a reason why very few people attain enlightenment and the whole reason the little tidbit from my bio the whole reason i became a doctor is because my spiritual teachers told me that unless you be can become incredibly successful in the material world that's like the prologue for like playing the spiritual game because enlightenment is way harder than anything you can achieve and at that point i almost failed out of college was had a 2.2 less than a 2.0 gpa and they were like if you can't make it in the real world you're not going to make it over here and then they told me at the age of 21 go back to school become as accomplished as you can possibly be become as successful as you can possibly be in the real world and come back when you're 30. and if you haven't made it in the material world we're not interested so you're right sorry this is for religion yep i tried to become they can do that they can do this that i thought religion was all accepting no oh right so so you're right you're okay sorry i know nothing about religion no yeah i don't think it's really religion i think hafu you're right that you say this sounds really really hard and it sounds like it's not worth it and i'm telling you that your instinct is correct it is cognitively very very exhausting it's a lot of work and it's very difficult to attain to train your mind to the point where the outside world no longer affects you but it's possible now this is where like when we get down to it what i'm talking about halfway has nothing to do with changing the outside world it has to do with putting the chip taking the chip off of your shoulder and what i'm saying and this is tricky because i'm not saying that you don't care what i'm saying is that it's it's hard because you just have to feel it to know what it is you can fight for a cause without that cause hurting you you can believe in doing something that is good and right and righteous and just without it hurting you now oftentimes the root to that fight comes from your own personal suffering which is exactly what happened in my case because i was 21 playing too many video games and like lost and directionless and so i have a question sorry i'm thinking back about what you're saying because you were saying how let's say someone makes fun of my love for mayonnaise which i hate mayonnaise by the way but yeah but but something that's so insignificant because you don't give a [ __ ] about it that it wouldn't hurt you right yep that's what you're saying yep but let's just say like someone comes in and calls you what's a very tame insult a dumb ass yeah a noob i have no i don't it's just not very nice like it's it's just annoying you know what i mean to read that it's not like uh i'm not insecure about anything but i wouldn't like that does that make sense i feel like it doesn't have to be that way just a negative comment is a negative comment period even if it doesn't affect you it's still like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you why you come in here and like be an [ __ ] to me that is affecting you no but but you're reacting to it right if it annoys you then it's affecting you i'm trying to think i'm trying to think okay i'm kind of thinking someone says you're a poo-poo head okay someone says everyone comes in and calls you a poo-poo head am i insecure about being a poopoo hood if i just that guy is just trying to be mean to me is that me being insecure one guy's you know like he's just trying to i don't know i kind of think i'm like the most neutral insult that i feel like i wouldn't actually care about but it's still like negative it's it's uh obviously negative and meant to be taken in a negative way it is someone clearly trying to insult you trying to make you feel bad even if it doesn't make you feel bad it's just not nice to see does that make sense sure so i i'm not at so i i'm with you i think so i think that so it's interesting we're stumbling upon something that's very very kind of uh important but i think we're still it's hard for me to jump there so i'm going to try jumping there and i can fill in the gap so sometimes i'll try to teach people that detachment is different from apathy so what i try to do is i'll work with like clients who are like working in let's say investment banking this is my favorite most common example because you see this all the time and they're very ambitious and i tell them you keep suffering because you are ambitious and then they say but if i'm not ambitious how can i do a good job and i tell them you can absolutely do an even better job if you give up your ambition and that gets really really confusing for people oh right so and and this is where this is like this is the this good i'm glad you're pushing back and hopefully i want you to push back as hard as you possibly can okay don't worry i will fantastic right so so let's just think about that for a second here i am trying to educate you and you're pushing back why am i not getting upset because you want me to challenge your ideas so that i understand things better yeah but like but why why do i think that way right i i'm not a different person could say oh she doesn't know what she's talking about i'm the harvard trained psychiatrist i don't know what i'm talking about i mean yeah but why doesn't that piss me off um because it's your prerogative to get me to understand so it's great yeah so question no so my point is that like there is an internal way that i receive what you do that changes my perception of like suffering or joy given the same stimulus but i'm not trying to be like offensive sure but if i was a narcissistic [ __ ] i would take offense anyway so my my point is that if you questioned me because i mean i've worked with people like this i had an interaction with someone like this a couple days ago who like how dare you question me yeah you don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about i'm a medical doctor and you're not right so like like the stimulus from the outside is the same it's the way that you build your house that allows you to appreciate something that could be like a challenge or confusion or whatever or you could interpret as an insult does that make sense yes yes and so what i'm saying is that like i i just wanted to kind of point that out and i'll kind of get back to like detachment so essentially the reason that i am this way is because i'm not trying to convince you of anything if i was attached to convince you of of convincing you were teaching you something i would be frustrated but instead i'm unattached from that and i say let's have a conversation with hafu and let's see where it goes like this could be fun okay she's pushing back she's resistant to this idea cool let's play with it and see how we can approach it it's all about the attitude yes yeah your attitude yes i mean that's kind of what i think what destiny was trying to tell me was like i have to change my attitude towards it but instead of but you're saying it's how to change your attitude instead of just telling yourself that you shouldn't care right yeah because i i think extremely hard yeah so so here's here's i'll i'll just be explicit for a second so i think that what you have is this ball of undigested emotion which is called a samskar and this is what happens essentially with trauma is like a good example where like i use this example with my kid where like my kid is scared of dogs and so you know if she's walking down the street and she gets bit by a dog one day the next day when she sees a dog across the street she freaks out she gets this upwelling of emotion that is inappropriate to the actual situation yes okay because that emotion is a leftover from like hurt past okay and that some scar is also what we call an insecurity right so if i'm insecure about my appearance it's because i got bullied a lot when i was in grade school and people called me ugly and so then i carry that emotional hurt with me so that when you know when i message someone on tinder and i'm like hey do you want to hang out sometime and they say no my mind fills in the reason that they're saying no is not because i'm a narcissistic [ __ ] it's because i'm not a chad thundercock right yeah like we fill it in based on our past emotional hurts and what i'm telling you is that it's in my experience and i feel pretty confident about this you can digest that emotional energy and once that emotional energy has been digested the insecurity is gone this is essentially what happens in therapy oh yeah i i am skeptical i feel like i cannot like um i don't know yeah i i understand what you're saying but i'm trying to imagine be getting to the state and just like having a hundred like a thousand people come in my chat saying you're [ __ ] ugly and then not caring i'm trying to really imagine that situation and i don't see it happening i don't see that happening yeah so so of course not right so so now now hafu i think your skepticism is very well founded and the simple reason is that sometimes it's hard when we have a wealth of experience that points us one way and then some [ __ ] [ __ ] comes along on twitch and tells you that it doesn't have to be that way and you've been streaming on twitch for how many years oh okay well i'll challenge that one more time okay so the reason let's say like something i'm not insecure about okay i'm blunt right i'm really blunt so let's say a thousand people come to my chat and say you're so [ __ ] passive aggressive what is wrong with you it would get to me because i'm like oh what did i do that was passive aggressive and then i would like really question it and you know but why do you use the term passive aggressive why are you using passive aggressive in this example why do you pick that because i'm not passive aggressive at all i'm just aggressive i'm just blunt so like that would be something i'm not insecure about because i'm no i'm the very opposite you know so i'm trying to think of like something that they could say that's negative about me that i don't feel insecure about at all but still i would address it because i'd be like wait why wouldn't you get that you can continue to address things so this is the where the detachment and apathy are different it doesn't mean that you don't act in the world it just means that you don't suffer because of it okay yeah okay okay yeah i think i wouldn't suffer for that but i think i would suffer a thousand people came and told me i was ugly yup because you're probably a little bit insecure about your appearance like most human beings yeah i guess you don't fully i don't know right so so now we can even see we can yeah hafu i'm glad you're pushing back because i think you're digging yourself into a hole no no no it's good so i know i think it's i think it's very good so so now we can even see another principle of some scars which is that depending on the size of the some scar it's like the weakness in your armor gets weaker and weaker and weaker because in terms of like your you deserving it your some scar there is larger okay and it's not really that you don't deserve to win the sumscar is actually something else which we'll get to in later if we ever get there but it has to do i think more with your loneliness and your isolation and you being put back into a place when you are really hurting because that's the emotion that's the volcanic eruption that we got for you so there's the and the other thing about some scars the tinier the some scar the more comments it's going to take for you to be hurt there crack but for you to yeah right so there was one comment that like and i mean there's a reason why i picked that right so i know which questions to ask because i've sniffed out your some scar and then i have to just like lance it with a you know with a pin it doesn't take a whole lot and the emotion comes rushing out and there are other insecurities that you have that it's gonna take like a drill to get them okay and it just has to do with the size of the emotional energy and let me put it to you this way since we know that they're big sum scars and small sump scars what if i told you that you could take a big sumscar and turn it into a small sumscar if you could feel if you could respond when people say oh you don't deserve it you would respond to it the way that you do if people tell you you're ugly which is that it hurts a little bit but it doesn't really hurt that much would that be worth it the deserving thing it's not really deserving so that's the thing i'm gonna be honest i really think i deserve things i know that's why deserving is a bad is it is a bad it's not really deserving it's not it's not deserving that's not really what the some scar is if you want to get to the sump scar more so thinking back what well the the point at which i cried was thinking about how i used to be so scared to collab with people and kind of like have to deal with chat every day because yeah you know so if you want to get really precise it's not deserving okay yeah yeah it's not that i like that i i know that so here's the reason why deserving brings it out because our brain scans the external environment and tells us when to bring some scar to the surface and what's happening is when people so like my daughter who's been traumatized by a dog if she walks if she sees a cat across the street the some scar doesn't trigger so the only thing it's not the i know you deserve it i've sort of gleaned that but i think what happens is those discussions yeah remind your mind of a time when you felt a particular way so that's like the trigger it looks like a dog and then those emotions which really have nothing to do with deserving because you've built up other some stars over the last decade but that emotional energy is is still there definitely no i don't know i think yeah i think you've hit the i yeah you're right i have internalized a lot of it because that was the best way i knew how to add time yeah and um it definitely still is there but it has gotten better to the point where i don't it used to be stuff i would think about on the daily like it would eat eat at me every day constantly now i don't think about it almost ever and uh yeah like i said i used to have monthly cries like it was like clockwork because you know you have to bottle up somewhere and then at one point it's just overwhelming and then boom cry it out and then just like start sucking up again or sucking yeah yeah just like um ignoring it ignoring it up again yeah sucking it up again and important two letters there yeah and now i know i don't have that like in the last year two years i haven't had that at all i haven't cried because of something like that in over two years so it feels better now but when i think about that time yeah it was just so bad and um i don't know it feels like because it doesn't happen anymore i don't have to deal with it sure it's been swept under the rug yeah but it's like uh you know it's like neatly packed now yeah and dormant yep it's a nice little volcano that has yeah it's dormant it's just yeah so so this is where you know hafu you've got to make a choice okay and so if you want to let it lie dormant you can let it lie dormant the rest of your life and then depending on whether you believe the the hindus would this disagree about this it'll carry with you to the next life um and you know it's a kind of material but in my experience and take this for what you will i'm not pushing you i don't think you need to fix this because i think you're an incredibly strong resilient woman who has learned how to you know adapt to your circumstances learned how to be successful learned how to find happiness you're not that girl who bottles everything up and cries once a month anymore you've like grown into something truly awesome with you and at some point you have to decide whether you want to just let this stuff go completely whether you want to open up the rug because you're right you packaged it very neatly and then get rid of it and i suspect it's going to be far easier than you think it is because when you open it you think i think i know a little bag of trauma that i just don't want to look at yeah it's a very traumatic time in my life yep so let me explain to you let me explain to you why i think it'll be easier than you think it is because you're when you rate its difficulty right so you're pro wow streamers so like you wiped on that mob when you were 17 you're not you're not level 17 anymore you're level 29 you're not the same person who faced those problems you're a completely different person you're stronger you're more resilient you're more confident you have the support of a loving fiance you have the support of a loving community so you're like partying up and zoning into like what's that [ __ ] low-level instance i quit wow 10 years ago dude i don't anyway i won my tournaments when i was 17. i'm 29. yeah so so so what i'm saying is that hafu i think the reason that it'll be easier to deal with than you think about is because your your assessment of the challenge rating of this problem was made when you are way lower level than you are now yeah i don't think so i feel like this is not something i can tackle i'll be honest i'm thinking about it i don't think it's something i can get over yeah so i think that's reasonable because i'm thinking something i have to get over yeah i agree with i understand what you're saying i'm not gonna push you but um i think that it's reasonable to think that you're not gonna be able to go over it because you haven't done it yet right if you go into a raid boss and you wipe 10 times and then i ask you can you down the boss you're gonna be like ah yeah not really so i think that a lot of your resistance is completely understandable because i do think you're someone who relies a lot on your own experience i'd say that you you tend to not have faith in other people's opinions no it's not that i don't have faith in your opinion i don't i don't consider it a bad thing i think it's part of probably part of what's made you successful as successful as you are because you rely so heavily on your own judgment yes right you've come to trust yourself and because the world told you something just think about this for a second the world has been telling you something and you had to learn how to not trust what they're saying and so of course you wouldn't trust me because you've learned how to not trust what other people say you're like i need to do it until i see it taste it and eat it for myself i don't think so yeah now whether that is a part of your interpersonal conflict we can you know [Laughter] no i agree but even when you were passive aggressive you were still quite rigid in your thinking you just didn't let people know this is it's part of your temperament a lot of things yeah i was just able to cycle analyze myself and kind of pick apart it's like well for example like with my ex i would always try to like test him to see if he really loved me and like kind of like pick a fight and stuff and then i noticed i was doing that and i stopped and i would catch myself doing it it's really hard to like look at you know bad parts of yourself but i was actually because of games i was able to do that and um yeah i don't know i'm much happier with who i am now than i was like a decade ago and it wasn't like an overnight thing is like addressing one problem at a time kind of being like why the [ __ ] am i doing this thing like when i think about it from a logical standpoint like it makes no sense and then i can address it from there but yeah it's not like an overnight it wasn't like an overnight realization yeah so how i'm just confused now because you seem to be making a really really great argument for what i'm saying because that's what i'm encouraging you to do so awareness of a some scar is what leads to its emotional digestion and the change does take time it is effortful and you end up way happier at the end of it and if you do that enough times and you get really good at that process of psychoanalyzing yourself noticing what you do and altering it if you do that over and over and over and over and over again at some point you level up in your skill at doing that okay but let's okay let's break down one of them okay example i don't think i'm ugly but i don't think i'm like the most attractive person ever right so i'm not insecure about my looks but i don't love my looks you know i don't think i'm like you know you know like i think at one point you have to just accept who you are it's like do i want to get plastic surgery or am i okay with who i am right like those are your options you can like try to change how you look so you really like how you look or you can accept it right those are your options degree yeah so i've gone with the acceptance route where i'm okay with how i look but it doesn't mean that i that i feels great about how i look right sure so how am i supposed to not how am i supposed to get over if people come in and tell me i'm ugly this is a dumb one but like how am i supposed to just disregard those comments forever if i have to just settle with i'm okay with it but i don't you know well because because so any sense yeah it makes a lot of sense but like so but i feel like yeah so that makes perfect sense because the whole point is that you know you have a small sum scar there and so then you're saying how do i learn to be okay with the some scar because you haven't fully accepted the way that you look because you're unhappy fully no i'm not super unhappy this is like i'm not so it's a tiny yeah but you're not super unhappy with it which also means that you're a little bit unhappy with it yes yes i'm definitely a little unhappy with how it looked but i feel like it's not a real insecurity yeah because it's not a real insecurity it's a baby insecurity but then but then that sun scar how do i get that sunscreen to go away you continue working on it right so so this is where i can show you how to work on a sump scar okay so for that one how would how could we tackle what are you unhappy about with your appearance hate this so much see there it is there's the subscriber you see that right beneath the surface right beneath the surface it's not as small as you think it is hapu i mean no no i know what i don't like about myself but i don't want to like go through all these little things but there are okay there it is no no no no you don't get to get away with that you said i know what i don't like about myself but i don't want to not like that there it is there's the [ __ ] you remember the diagram where you're invalidating the way that you feel the invalidation i wish my pores were smaller i wish my boobs were a little bigger i wish my nose was a little smaller i wish my eyes were a little bigger i wish i had more fuller eyebrows naturally i wish i wish my skin was less oily i wish my butt was bigger i'm working on that i'm going to the gym how does it feel to say that it's fine i'm okay saying all this stuff and that's the thing it's like i'm okay saying it's just weird to say this stuff because i actually am okay stop talking for a second how do you feel what do you notice in yourself what are you feeling right now slightly embarrassed that i have to go through all the flaws yeah right so that's the some scar because if you were truly like if i said i'm fine with my hair i have big pores too i kind of wish my dick was bigger i'm skinny fat i have dad bod like you know i could list the things that i know that are not good about my appearance and i don't really give a [ __ ] like i truly i mean i have a little insecurity there too because i can feel that embarrassment about some of those things and not other things so you do have some insecurities sure i'm not [ __ ] you yeah but i never said i was enlightened yes you did you just told me what are you talking about i said you have no insecurities here like yeah i have no insecurities no no i didn't say i have no clip it and ship it he [ __ ] said it before before i didn't say i have no idea is it possible no i'm not enlightened hafu i'm a [ __ ] twitch noob oh i thought i swear you said you have no one i think you're not insecure about anything you're like yeah nothing that chad could say could it affect me that's what oh i thought oh no no oh yeah yeah so so you didn't say that no i mean i i i say that i really don't get affected by chat that's true but if any but you just admitted to having some insecurities about how you look so if someone in chat said one of those things it wouldn't affect you hasn't yet or much really yeah that doesn't make sense it i know it's confusing because until you experience it until you experience it hafu you're not going to understand i mean like it's just my experience right so part of what i do so this is kind of weird but you can fix an insecurity or what you can do is accept that you're insecure which then keep makes it gives you detachment from it yes i have i feel like i've accepted my insecurities on the way i look because i feel like no no no i'm talking about something else so you can accept your in well no maybe not hold on because um i mean so i just settled i'm just done with that stuff oh yeah see there you go that's kind of that's kind of where it is it feels better yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i i mean i don't think i don't think and i certainly hope i've never made this claim or people haven't gotten this impression that i'm enlightened i'm not perfect i've just trained a lot and i do tend to think that i experience less suffering than the average person i believe that right so like generally speaking like even when things don't go well for me like sometimes i'll get upset of course like i noticed that i was actually way more sort of spiritually adept until i had kids and then i noticed all kinds of like attachments arising for a while i tried to fight them for a while and then actually what i realized is that you know what i'm just gonna be attached to my kids and that's okay and i sort of let go or accepted the fact that i was going to be attached and i would never become enlightened so i sort of was like okay not going to be able to do that anymore but anyway i apologize if i gave you the impression that i was perfect in in because i'm really i really i just remember when i asked you i was like wait you have no insecurities and you're like no i'm sorry you said that i'm pretty sure i didn't say i had no insecurities but maybe i misspoke i mean this is being streamed on twitch so people can go back and yeah i know people are saying you did say it people said he did say it he's gaslighting you okay so he did i remember that you're not crazy so uh okay i misspoke that's what no no no you're all good no that's consider me checkmated no no it's all good um because i was like basically i think things like that like you're right i'm not perfectly happy with how i look but is that is that necessarily a bad thing i feel like that's not that's like a human thing yeah sure but that's why you know enlightenment is not human okay so so is it do a lot of people suffer with it is it acceptable absolutely but i think that you know i personally believe that you should strive for as much happiness as you can in this life yes and that's true i have a lot of happiness yeah so and i'm trying to get so let me let me just say so when you owned your insecurities and you felt that embarrassment that some scar got a little bit smaller yeah definitely i mean i was so insecure with how i looked when i was younger to the point where i remember vividly like my my high school boyfriend came over unannounced i didn't have makeup on and had glasses i got lasik um i glasses i had no makeup on and he rung the doorbell and i opened it and i slammed it in his face because i thought he was gonna break up with me as soon as he saw me because no one could ever love me how i was like that's i remember having that exact thought and then he actually helped a lot because after he was like what you looked fine and i was like huh so that helped a lot it's like a very vivid memory um yeah it sounds like you've grown immensely halfway yeah i think i have i think i'm a really logical person and i treat my self and my own problems the way i treat games and like i said i [ __ ] deserve my gaming success because i'm [ __ ] good at them but um um okay i mean going back to like when i when i was saying like the systematic thing like i don't know i always bring this example up because it's a very jarring one that i think people can understand uh so when i was 17 i was a pro owl player and there was a team that qualified on the tournament realm called gonna rape hafu at regionals and they qualified and nothing was done about their team name and you know that was kind of the attitude of the gaming culture at the time and so like when you look at that how are you supposed to just be okay with that so let me ask you something as you share this story do you s so like as we've talked about particular subjects there have been little volcanoes or big volcanoes that have erupted right do you notice any eruption as you share this story a tiny one quiver here yeah yep so so when you say okay so like let me ask you this if we look at the size of the story and the size of what you're talking about in the outside world that is gigantic right it's huge that's [ __ ] insane it's unjust it's terrible why is there not a volcanic eruption in you because things have gotten better and people are more aware of this kind of attitude and it used to be kind of like the attitude back then was it's expected of you to just suck it up like why are you even complaining that kind of thing it was like a very normalized and so that's what i did okay so so no one ever spoke up against it and like including myself or my teammates or anyone at blizzard you know so what i'm hearing what i'm hearing is that the world has changed and that's why this story doesn't hurt more to tell it's getting better it gives me hope i didn't have hope back then and i have hope that things will continuously get better okay so is hope inside the house or outside the house it's inside i think okay so your question was how are you supposed to be okay with it right yeah yeah i think like how are you so if someone goes through that like how are you supposed to be like that shouldn't affect you right no no hold on yeah but i think we you have the answer i don't actually have the answer you have the answer so let's just map this out so you're saying how are you supposed to be okay with it and my my answer to your question is how are you so okay with it because remember that's a gigantic thing outside of your house but you having lived through that do not have a volcanic eruption you are relatively speaking at peace with it you're relatively speaking you have hope the inside of your house is good despite something so god-awful happening on the outside of the world so how can you have such a gigantic terrible thing as going to a pro tournament and having a team name that is denigr like denigrating offensive and threatening to you and you're just sitting here on stream talking about it um because when it's ancient too like like i said i think um i think the gaming community as a whole has grown a lot since then and just the industry has grown a lot since then and i yeah so i think the reason you're okay with it has nothing to do with that really yes you're leaving one important person out in terms of growth and change gaming industry that's not going to do anything to your suffering what are you doing i'm part of the gaming industry and it makes it gives me hope that you know like i think in another 10 20 years like it's just gradually getting better this is from a decade more than a day so i think hope is reasonable but i still think you asked me the question how are you supposed to be okay with it and i think the same how are you okay with it i think it's because you've grown as a person because you've developed hope hope is inside the house that's how you got to be okay with it so my whole point here hafu is that there's a line between the outside world and the inside world and you're saying how are you supposed to be okay on the inside of your house when the capitol building is on fire in washington dc and that has to do with you how the [ __ ] are you not so traumatized that you quit twitch entirely or quit pro gaming forever when there was a team that showed up in the regional qualifiers that's name was we're gonna rape you how are you able to do that i don't think twitch gets credit for that i don't think the gaming community gets credit for that i think you get credit for it i mean like i said there's no other option the option is to like i still choose to be here i still choose to be in this world that's how you do it yeah that's the only way it's like you can't do anything because these things exist they happen and it's like the only way is to accept like to you know to to be okay with it that's the only way or else i would have had to quit right like that what else could i do that's what i'm saying so you're saying that you like like you're asking how are you learning to be okay with it i think you got halfway there right like you grew as a person like my i feel like i don't know if it sounds to me like you're arguing with me but i feel like we're both saying the same damn thing maybe like i because i everything you're saying doesn't feel to me like it's a point against what i'm saying i feel like it's a point to support what i'm saying because if you really look at it analytically a huge stressor from the outside should correlate with a large emotional response on the inside but if we look at you scientifically what we see is there are gigantic stressors on the outside that lead to tiny little eruptions like a slight quiver in your throat and they're relatively benign questions like when did you learn how to say you shouldn't do that to yourself that lead to huge emotional eruptions ergo minor stressors lead to large things on the inside and big stressors lead to small things on the inside therefore we this is one instance right this is one instance and i don't have to think about it every day whereas the other thing is something to do with like chat which i had to deal with on a daily basis um so that some scar like snowballed like crazy so that's i think that's why it's like a similar vein but it's not like i had that happen to me every day this is one instance that happened and the other one is like on a daily every single day i'm experiencing this well whether a mob on stream or off stream so what i take away what i take away from that is the size of the stressors i'm misnaming right so like there's getting there's getting bitten by a lion once in your life and then there's get getting bit by a dog every [ __ ] day one yeah the dog is going to be far more traumatized absolutely yes so i think that's why yeah well no so so i still think though that i see what you're saying and so i concede that point if we're arguing something but i still think that that doesn't have to be an argument what i still think is fundamental here is that there is some amount of something you can do when something crosses the threshold between the outside world and your house yes and when you ask how are you okay with it you have to study that thing right so like i don't get to choose what life throws my way but i get to choose how i react to it yes that's how you learn to be okay with it right it's these issues of acceptance because like think about 17 year old you and how accepting you were of your appearance and think about 29 year old you and how accepting you are of your appearance i don't think the outside world and in this case the outside world your body has changed drastically between 17 and 29 okay right but you your attitude towards it you have become more okay just imagine talking to 17 year old you and how confused 17 year old if you told 17 year old you if you went back in time and you told 17 17 year old you was like i'm ugly like no one can ever see me like this and you said actually you're gonna be like relatively okay with your appearance you're never gonna look perfect but you're gonna feel confident in the way you look and then 17 year old you would ask you the same [ __ ] question you're asking me yeah that makes sense so you're saying i have to tackle it in the same way so think about why is it affecting me so much and like um your thing is these things i'm not i'm not except i don't think i can get my mind to accept those things sure well but i think it's like a fair thing to accept yeah okay so so it's not only to do what you've done so far because i think what you've done so far is quite amazing but there are other methods that you just haven't learned yet right so you've managed to increase your acceptance from 17 to 29 about your appearance so you've learned to be okay with something that you one day thought you would never be okay with without something outside of your house changing my point is that the change happens on the inside doesn't happen on the outside as far as i know you didn't get plastic surgery i mean maybe you did not have to answer it you don't like the matter so so just just for clear clarity like nothing has objectively changed but you have changed and all i'm saying to you is that even when it comes to your insecurity about whatever the [ __ ] it is i i mean we can dig into it if you want to that too can change you can come to accept it and you can feel more peace like you do now about your appearance compared to where you were 17 years ago that's the process of growth yes hmm i'm trying to think and i'm still kind of fighting just push i know i know you're just push just push okay so you think that because i have not like a vlog eruption but just because i get annoyed by certain comments that those comments actually affects me into okay so a comment like what annoys me i don't want to say it because then they're gonna say it see there's the some scar right you see that well yes have you seen twitch chat you tell them not to do something what are they gonna do they're gonna do it chad no one spam kappa no one spam it and now let's spam it what bothers you hafu if i turn out to be right what bothers you about that why do you have trouble it doesn't bother me i think more so like no it doesn't bother me it's more so like i'm trying to okay i'm trying to think of something um i can't think of something but let's say someone is just someone is just hate watching and just very negative actually it's really cool on twitch you can look at someone's chat messages right and sometimes you see someone i like i see something in chat and sometimes i'm annoyed i've lost a game right i've lost the game i'm in a bad state of mind because i'm salty and i see something criticizing the way i play and i click his messages and i scroll through and every single out of the 200 messages they've wrote is negative in one way or another every single message is meant to tear me down am i justified i'm being annoyed justified absolutely or but it's but you're suggesting the best way to deal with it is to be at home you're saying it's two different things right bro hold on a second this is where the money is okay why do you click on their name well i want to see if i'm being why unreasonable because if they're just a normal person you want to see if you're being unreasonable what's going on in your mind at that moment maybe i'm being a salty [ __ ] i have to see if it's you know me being salty or not no it's not you being salty the reason you look is because maybe they're right yeah cause you're sad i'm sorry that's the [ __ ] [Laughter] so this is really important okay this is really really important why do we go fishing for things that hurt us right i'll give you an example so like let's say i get dumped by my girlfriend i'm feeling bad about myself you said you're feeling salty and then what do i go do when i'm feeling bad about myself at two in the morning after being dumped i got dumped a month ago i log on to instagram or facebook or whatever and i go look at pictures i see one picture of my ex with another dude and then i click on it and i look at all the pictures and i just torture myself i go looking for that hurt why the [ __ ] do we do that as human beings i don't know that's a good question that's relatable absolutely because that's what you're doing on twitch chat well i need to feel justified when i ban their ass you know what i'm saying yeah you need to feel all kinds of you need to feel validated when you click on that you feel validated right and i'll tell you so for the the dude who looks at picture of his pictures of his girlfriend he tells himself i'm a good person but inside he feels unlovable and every single picture that he looks at of another human like another dude with his girlfriend he's like [ __ ] i knew i was unlovable i knew i was unlovable i knew i was unlovable it's validating that's why we torture ourselves because it's not telling yourself because here's the option right like so in that moment when i see my ex-girlfriend with another dude i tell myself oh there are other fish in the sea you should let her go man it's no big deal you're a good looking guy and you're like [ __ ] you that's invalidating i'm gonna go and torture myself because it's how i feel and i want the world to see how i feel i don't want to be alone with those feelings anymore okay even if it hurts sure so you're saying every time i get annoyed at a comment it's my insecurities that they have said something that i think is true is that true though let's say someone calls me okay let's just say someone comes in and says something racist to me okay and i get annoyed and i ban them is that an insecurity thing i don't think so could be so so there's a there's an extreme so there's an extreme way to take this hafu and there's a practical way to take this yeah yeah i'm just trying to understand because i'm trying to think i've been a lot of people let me let me let me let me try to share with you a couple of things because i i think the more philosophical and theoretical this gets i think the less useful it is okay so you can play that game if you want to but here's what i would tell you okay i think that you are an awesome person it's clear to me you've grown a lot i don't really know who you were back then but you clearly come across as someone who is confident in yourself and has grown immensely and has suffered you have the mark of past suffering on you yes i see that very clearly you've gotten to where you are you seem happy you're engaged things are fantastic you sort of talk about being blunt and maybe some other people think you should change that and you tell yourself maybe you should change that but you're actually completely fine with being blunt i am trying to think i know i can tell so like but there's that part of you that's but like you see that too is like where you say oh maybe i shouldn't be that way but you're actually really validating and accepting of yourself there even though that's contrary to the should but that's another separate point i'm with you so right so now here's what i'm proposing to you it's something for you to pick up and play with if you want to okay despite all of your growth despite all of this stuff you're not perfectly happy no right no one is ever perfectly happy unless you're enlightened yep there you go okay so so here's what i perceive in you is that there is still a some scar that is actually quite big which doesn't get triggered very much because you don't see many dogs on the street anymore okay but you're still carrying it around yes and in my experience just like you were carrying a lot around a lot of insecurity when you were 17 you're not carrying that [ __ ] around anymore and it feels good it lets you be happy and you say but this isn't that big of a deal because it doesn't affect me every day i get that but i'm telling you hafu generally speaking the closer you get to the top the harder it is to rise it's just like climbing mount everest it's just like the wow ladder you can take whatever it's a universal principle of life i agree and so what i'm offering you by offering i mean i'm proposing a hypothesis that i think you would be happier and maybe this is what you're running up against i think you would be happier if you let this go too that you shouldn't walk around shouldn't [ __ ] that that there is a possibility to walk around without the chip on your shoulder yes and how would you start trying to clear that slump scar so i think we you feel the emotions in the present is the short answer right so i didn't do this with you today because i had a feeling this would be way more fun and i'm glad that we've had this discussion but like basically when you had started crying if i'd asked you more questions about it what we would have done is lift up the rug and start sweeping stuff out right we would like we would validate you we would get you to listen and you would feel like you'd start processing those emotions you'd start digesting it because when we sit with an emotion is when we digest it and this is the difference because like when you were 17 and someone said something hurtful about your appearance one comment would be so overwhelming you'd distract yourself from it you'd sweep it under the rug whatever and it would hurt you whereas now what happens is someone says something dude they're continual insults people are attacking you all the time but as you grow up and as your buddhi which is a part of your mind that helps you digest emotions grows more robust you can process things for yourself so that they never become some scars so when my five-year-old gets bit by a dog she's like terrified of dogs and she has a phobia of dogs when i get bit by a dog i'm like [ __ ] that was still really scary the first second of the emotion is exactly the same but then i walk myself through it i hold my hand and i say wow i'll look like that was dumb like are you okay like oh [ __ ] that was scary maybe you should be more careful next time but i'm like or and then that it doesn't form a some scar but if what i tell myself afterwards how are you so [ __ ] stupid like what's wrong with you you dumbass that'll form a sum scar you see that emotional digestion evoking the feelings and sitting with them when you use the term psychoanalyze i think what you did is work through stuff you didn't analyze it you worked through it there's a big difference that's true you felt those feelings you sat with those feelings and you were your own therapist so all you have to do is just evoke them and this is where i know we've been at this for a while and you say i don't want to like what i'm really getting from you is not an illogical resistance and i genuinely think you're open-minded and trying to understand what i'm getting from you is i don't wanna yeah that's true part of it is i really don't want to because yep and that's not logical right because so you can ask me as many questions about scenarios as you want to that resistance is going to be there yeah can ask whatever you want to you can checkmate as much me as much as you want i can checkmate you as much as i want to it's not going to get anywhere because hafu you don't want to that's cool every time we ban emotionally because they've triggered a sumscar i don't you say ban emotionally yeah yeah i'm just saying it like let's say someone comes in and says something that triggers your sunscreen we ban them i don't think so so i think we ban people for reasons that are not emotional right okay so like action and some scars are different like you can act without a some scar being active in your mind you can ban someone because you can like it doesn't hurt you but you're like this fucker's gotta get banned true there's a certain like chillness to it right that is detachment that is vairagya yeah you're right you're right you're right if someone says something racist i don't personally get effect affected by it like it doesn't exactly feel like that's an attack feel anything i don't feel like and yet you're like they have your motivation to act is still very strong and that this is where people get confused because they think that's true how can you be motivated to act and still be detached because most of us get motivated by our [ __ ] sub scars and what i'm telling you is that's what leads to a train wreck of a life okay yeah that makes sense so whenever i find myself getting triggered the right word yep absolutely okay whenever i find myself getting triggered i need to break down why i feel triggered sure everything yeah or or you can you know get someone to help you with that because like for example like there's a like so let me ask you something hafu i mean i don't think we have time to get into this because i can't keep doing this i'm running out mp at this point okay but why don't you want to scary there it is yeah i mean i know i know i don't want to so we can you can ask me as many questions you want to it's not going to get anywhere so it should be more like every time i have an emotional response then i should figure out why i'm getting that emotional response i so you said every time i have emotional response i should figure out why i'm getting that response i disagree i'd say do it once a week let yourself live the other six days of the week okay yeah that makes sense i will keep that in mind that it's the thing yeah yeah so just to give you an example if i wanted to get you to want to the next question i would ask would be what are you scared of right because there's a some scar there's something you're afraid of that's a fear that's a that's something that's coming up and then we would work through why you don't want to and as we emotionally digest that then you'll be okay doing the next one well part of it is we're doing this live on stream yeah a lot of the trauma is from stream yep it's from chat so you want me to talk through something you want to give the ammo to the thing that traumatized me in the first place so that is why i'm scared of it you know okay like sure uh i've like for the longest time i would stay in my own bubble on twitch i won a global evo many years ago i chose not to ever cash it in because i would be scared that if i did do a picture of myself then it would be used in a negative way like that kind of thing right i would very much stick to my own bubble it was only in the last two years that i have felt comfortable collabing with other people and felt comfortable are you hearing me say that i want to get into that with you yeah oh no yes or no well you're saying that no i'm saying i don't want okay okay right because i'm explaining why because i feel like i know why i don't want to do it i understand i've there's a reason why i didn't push when the sum scar came up right so like for whatever reason i felt really really a lot of resistance from you to explore emotionally so we've just let that [ __ ] slide like that's okay okay i'm just sharing with you intellectually how that would look yes okay right a lot of what you have said mate has made a lot of sense and uh it is pretty enlightening like the um like certain comments affects me in in a different way even if it's negative so that's what i didn't understand but now i do like someone calling me a poopoo head i might not like it but it's not gonna like make me i don't know good so so now this is very cool because you've stumbled upon another halfway you're brilliant okay so you've stumbled upon another really important principle which is pain and pleasure is outside of the axis of suffering and contentment what sorry that went over my head so you can still continue to feel pain and pleasure if you are detached oh okay so pain and pleasure are not on the same axis as attachment and detachment so you can still feel angry you can still get upset about stuff but you don't suffer it's kind of hard to describe but like you said there are two things that can annoy you but the quality of the annoyance is different yes yes right one is deeper and one shot like a surface level yep so so what what the yogis realize is that there's actually two things they're not the same one is on the axis of pain and pleasure which you can never get free of that's always going to happen and then the second is the axis of attachment and detachment or suffering in contentment you know so like i'd say that if i have to go get a covid test and someone sticks a swab like all the way up into my cranium painful yes it's painful but i'm not going to suffer it's like yes so i think you've stumbled upon that i think you're very it's impressive how nuanced you are with understanding your own experiences and so i think you're more i mean you're not wrong about really anything you've said today i just think that there's like another step yeah definitely cool questions um [Music] no i think i i understand your point i think i the thing i was resistant about that i was challenging about i think i understand a lot better um just that you can you're allowed to be annoyed and you're allowed to act on things but it's different than suffering and suffering is like when you internalize it right it's like this um can i ask you when you became less resistant mean during this conversation yeah oh i just didn't understand the concept because before i was like but there are people who are just out there to be rude to you who exist to be rude and i thought that your argument was that it doesn't matter like you should uh like i now i understand that you're saying ban their ass they're being dumb and it's okay to ban them without actually suffering from it when in the course of the conversation did you become more accepting of what i was saying it wasn't that i'm being accepting it's more of like understanding what you're saying when did you understand what i was saying very recently i think was it before or after we talked about your resistance after okay so i was resisting because i genuinely didn't understand and now that i've understood it it's different and now i can so there's a there's there's a differential diagnosis there which is that genuine understanding became more possible once your resistance lowered yeah that's fine so so what i would even i'm not sure but i would say that there's a decent possibility that processing your resistance even for a few minutes because i was bouncing off right i was saying the same [ __ ] for an hour and a half and it kept bouncing off yeah and now suddenly you're like oh like now i understand what you're like what the what the eighth time was a charm i didn't understand it i'm not gonna just accept what you say i never i i know i know i know i know you're not but but what i'm saying is that i like i think it's a really good illustration of how understanding and resistance are tied and when we address the resistance explicitly and sort of talk about that and notice that then the understanding comes more easily yes i agree okay i'm not sure but you know maybe i i do agree i do agree i think it's i was very skeptical skeptical about what you're saying so i'd keep challenging it instead of trying to just understand it and then when i started just trying to understand it i could understand it okay so you're right you're right that's not what i'm saying but i think it's no no no i know i know i know but i'm just saying that you're right that like as soon as i stopped just trying to yeah refute your points yep so so that too is that inside the house or outside the house inside the house yep a lot of stuff is inside the house hafu yeah okay do you meditate no want to learn how to meditate isn't it about thinking about nothing it's more like what is it what's that what's the app there's an app with the british guy i don't know meditation app anyway headspace there we go see they knew headspace and it's like you think you think about your breathing and you think about like oh it's like in yoga they do this but you think about like where your body is like where your foot what your foot is experiencing and you like focus on that stuff i can't meditate i've tried it i know that it's very good but the way that i fall asleep now is i put on audible and then i focus on that and then that puts me to sleep in 10 minutes because then instead of like thinking about my problems or anxieties in the day i think about something that has nothing to do with me and then i fall asleep so it's kind of like meditation i think in a way okay so you shared a lot thank you very much you didn't answer my question oh i didn't no i don't think i know how to actually meditate that's not what i asked i asked do you want to meditate oh sorry i said do you know how to meditate unless maybe maybe i said do you know how to meditate maybe we can go back i was maybe i misspoke there too oh but here's my question do you want to meditate today now okay i'm down i'll ask again i think you answered at that time but i want an honest answer do you want to meditate uh not particularly but i don't i know i'm not against it so instead of saying sure because yeah yep okay so let's think about that okay okay so if you don't want to what are we gonna do we don't have to oh i don't care i'm down for whatever i'm trying to be as open as possible am i open or am i hard to work with be honest oh i would say you're easy to work with and you're closed oh okay interesting i don't think you're very open really no no huh that's the first time i've heard that i've always seen myself as super open but i'm rigid that's interesting i like that that's something that i didn't know about myself right i thought it was super open i think you come across as open but like so you're open you're open with your manner you're open with your dialogue but you're closed in your mind like you're like a [ __ ] so they're like like people aren't gonna people aren't gonna tell you you're wrong why not right like you [ __ ] know what you're talking about i encourage people to tell me when they think i'm wrong yeah i know and i'm open to admitting when i'm wrong when i think i'm actually wrong yep when but so this is the thing but i do have to think i'm wrong yes yeah there see so let's let's just look at like relationship dynamics for a moment right so like this is going to cause problems because like sometimes your partner potentially could think that you're wrong and if you don't agree with them it's going to cause problems but they have their own perspective david and i he's the same way if he doesn't think he's wrong he also won't back down so we've had that once so what i what i really think about closeness is like what real openness is is acknowledging that even if you don't think you're wrong that you could be wrong right because you're not gonna be right all the time anyway that's neither here nor there i think i'm still deciding about so you know sniffing a fair amount of resistance off of you about meditation whether it's a good idea to try to teach you or not oh right because i will be open to it okay okay so then let's teach you something now the question is what to teach you i'm bridgette trying to think i don't think that necessarily because i don't agree with something that i think i'm right it's just i also don't think i'm wrong like i i know so logically i know that cycle like so i think open and closed is like too unsophisticated of language here's what i'd say about you i'd say from a five factor personality assessment i would imagine you to be a high openness low agreeableness okay that's fine right so i think you're open to new experiences you're exploratory and you're willing to hear people out but you're not really flexible with your opinions takes a lot to change your mind yeah there's like other people that are like oh cool like i'll go whichever way the wind is blowing and hoffw's like uh-uh yeah i yes that is that's that's good right so that's open and closed is like unsophisticated high openness low agreeableness yeah i'm the same way for what it's worth yeah it's very accurate people think i'm really really open but i'm really [ __ ] judgmental in here oh that's one thing that i really liked about myself that i changed well i really didn't like how judgmental i was and my inside the voice in my head was so judgmental and so like mean and then i would filter those mean thoughts like why am i thinking this way why am i judging this way and i would always challenge myself and now my thoughts are very pleasant until i'm pmsing and then i turn to the devil sounds about right that's the only time where my thoughts are rude my thoughts are very nice they're very pleasant because i i cut out all the mean thoughts but then hormones are a [ __ ] like what are you gonna do and that's not my fault yeah that's not my fault so it's yeah so let's think about meditation so now i'm curious about what am i going to teach you ah i've got a good one okay okay so we haven't done this in a little while but so so there are two kinds a lot of different ways to slice up meditation so what i'm going to do hafu is give you a meditation technique it may work for you may not work for you no big deal but when people say you know i'm not good at meditating it generally means that they just haven't been given the right kind of technique for their mind okay so you're someone who's like sort of skeptical doesn't want to be told anything you need to figure things out for yourself and you're also very like introspective so i'm going to give you like okay we're going to give you [Music] what i would call an investigative technique so what we're going to do and by the way i think listening to audible is like a good example of meditation i think you're actually a born meditator you just have to be doing it you have to be given the right kind of technique for your cognitive style when you close your eyes and sit up straight twitch chat can do it too okay back should be straight neck should be straight and i want you to take a breath through your nose breathe in and out and tell me where do you feel the breath mean like my own breath or yep like where is it coming from inside or outside either i mean i can feel my breath on my hands okay and i can feel it going in and out of my chest okay so what does it feel like in your chest nothing okay can you feel something there not really other than my lungs expanding okay so that's something right so you can feel your lungs expanding so you feel a sensation there now let me ask you something do you feel the breath do you feel only your lungs expanding or do you also feel the breath i feel my bra tightening once i inhale because right okay so i want you to pay attention to your nose okay is there breath there yeah i can feel it like through my nostrils okay coming out and now i want you to follow it see where it goes as you breathe in to my sinuses okay keep following see where it goes follow it investigate and then it goes in through my nostrils to my sinus and then it goes through my nostrils to my hands that's that's that right help me understand when you say it goes through your sinuses into your hands well i can feel it because my nose is here and my hands are in my life okay so so what i'm talking about is feeling the sensation on the inside so what i'm hearing you say is the exhalation you can feel on your hands okay is that correct yes but follow the inhalation pay attention to your throat okay can you feel the breath in your throat my throat expands do you feel the expansion or do you feel the same quality that you feel in your nose and your sinuses what do you mean quality so so you're describing musculature when you say my chest is expanding my throat is expanding but i would imagine that the feeling in your throat of expansion in your physical body is different from what you feel in your sinuses is it okay so follow head up straight okay now follow the breath into your throat and see if you can differentiate between the musculature of the throat and the sensation that you feel in your sinuses going back into your throat i don't understand okay so so i think you you're doing it fine by the way so okay so you notice a sensation of breath you may notice the temperature of the breath what is the temperature of the breath where do you feel the coldness in your body when you breathe in how far does it go it goes to my sinuses it's like almost uncomfortable okay so you don't feel coldness in your throat okay that's fine so when you are doing this so i want you to focus on your sinuses for a second you say it feels uncomfortable right so focus on that sensation of discomfort it's like i ate too much wasabi okay okay so now i'm going to give you a separate practice i want you to catch the moment when inhalation becomes exhalation what about that moment have you found it tell me about it it's like at the top of okay just everything stops for a sec okay so are you holding your breath yes for like a split good so normally when you breathe in and you breathe out you don't hold your breath right so i want you to stop holding your breath and find the moment in between inhalation and exhalation what am i looking for just find the moment between in inhalation and exhalation without holding your breath i know i found it so what am i looking okay so if you can find it without holding your breath i want you to sit in that space what what do you mean sit in this okay this is helpful let me think for a second you can open your eyes what oh just uh i don't know close my eyes for a while does the world look different yeah but that's normal right i don't know does that usually happen when you close your eyes no it feels like everything's a lot more clear maybe you just meditated so it's meditation is thinking about less right kind of like decluttering your mind no no so it's not thinking at all so focus and thought are two different things meditation is focused to the exclusion of thought which is something you figured out with audible because you focus the attention of your mind on an audio book and then your mind shuts down and you fall asleep yes so what i i actually don't think these are the right techniques for you i think there are other techniques that are going to be better but i think you did a good job and you can continue to use these techniques so my thought was that if i tell you to do i have to give your mind something because like i don't know how to put this but when i tell you to find the in between space all of your attention is zoomed in on one thing and you're not thinking about anything you're like listening right so like all of your attention is like concentrated into a point yes it's like focusing on the experience yep and so there's no thought there yeah the thought was actually interrupting you because you were like am i doing it right that's yeah yeah yeah right so the more that you got away from that so i i would just so sometimes for people like you what i recommend is meditation that is a question instead of a practice so i'm going to tell you for example that your breath travels further than your sinuses in your nose right and if you focus on it you can feel it in your throat that cool sensation that feels almost painful which what the [ __ ] got there different day but you know who knew that breathing clearly was painful um and and so if you follow that coldness it'll go into your throat and if you follow it see where it goes because i think for someone who's inquisitive and doesn't take like if i tell you to you know do something you're gonna be like what the [ __ ] am i doing this for yeah right so so i have to give you something that's going to engage your mind and keep you curious oddly enough i think that your mind is actually very concrete so when i ask you abstract questions like sit in between the space between inhalation and exhalation i know this sounds weird some people understand what the [ __ ] i'm talking about but you're like what is that i don't know you know which is totally fine so so you know if i give a chance if i get a chance to teach you a different technique of meditation i'm going to have to adapt for that and and do something very good but i didn't need to say audible it's kind of like meditation yep it is because what you're doing is you're focusing your mind it's a dharma yeah yeah it's it's nice yep but i i i don't know if you i don't know if audible will give you the clarity of vision and the crystal clearness of the world afterward yeah who cares i'm asleep that's great it's going to put you to sleep i should be right to sleep so if you do these kinds of techniques i would say you know try to explore and see what the [ __ ] i mean when i say sit in the space between inhalation and exhalation without holding your breath and if you spend a few minutes doing that a couple times a day you can alternate between the two because i imagine you're going to get bored of one quickly why is meditation good uh because it gives us time outside of our mind why do we need that because our mind is the source of our suffering oh okay that's fair see sometimes ask super challenging like oh like what is the purpose of that it's actually pretty simple for rigid concrete people like us it's like that simple yeah if you tell them because tell me why don't you go like watch some youtube lecture on youtube video and the like and they'll you ask why should we meditate some guy's gonna give you some [ __ ] profound answer about yeah inner peace and it's like that's how they make money you need the video to be at least 10 minutes no yeah it's just very simple spend time outside of your mind because the mind is the origin of all of your suffering cool cool um questions or thoughts before you wrap up no this is good this is good i called that i was gonna cry i did cry but i feel good and um thank you for challenging me thank you for challenging me i found that i'm rigid that's not new to you though it is really well frigid isn't the term i would use for myself but now you're right not agreeable yep yep but i don't think it's more it's not i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing it's not i don't think it's a bad thing at all yeah okay well thanks a lot hafu thank you thank you so much for having me i'm glad we finally got to do this yeah likewise and good luck with everything hopefully this has helped in some way but um you know if you have questions and stuff down the road feel free to hit me up okay okay all right take care bye-bye thank you [Music] what are we who are we rating oh we want to write both of these nuts ray joe mama

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 166,406

Rating: 4.9325085 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, hafu, overcoming insecurities, dealing with negativity, meditation, samskara, itshafu, hafu dr k, hafu chess, hafu among us

Id: LtmRr9w3D5w

Length: 125min 47sec (7547 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 09 2021