Self Love with Sweet Anita | Dr. K Interviews

welcoming it up is it okay if I call you Anita mm-hmm certainly and so when you so tell us a little bit about so what do you want to talk about today or how can we help you or are you helping us or what's going on whatever you'd like I mean you're welcome to ask me anything you want a lot of people tend to ask about my condition and you're totally free to you if you'd like I hear that you have particular expertise with burnout um yeah also like we can talk we can touch on a little bit about like the pressure of being online and you know receiving a lot of abuse and kind of like prejudices against people with disabilities if you like as well because that's a very loud aspect of my existence that's right if I have to kind of try and ignore on a daily basis yeah so I mean absolutely I mean if there's some way that I can be helpful with you about burnout and that is sort of my I mean I guess I'm developing a different professional expertise nowadays but that was sort of my traditional area of expertise so can you tell us a little bit about can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and then we can talk about burnout or sure I'm Suniya I've been a streamer for about two years now and I went I went viral pretty much as soon as I hit the ground on twitch so I was completely lost and I've been playing catch-up ever since with a crazy amount of growth my stream is mainly variety streaming mostly just chatting and yeah I've been working on you know a mental health topic since I started really because then I'm forgetting that yeah I mean I kind of feel like the platform really needs it this is this whole platform feels like a symptom of loneliness like people want company um so a lot of the people who come here at people yeah a symptom of loneliness I love that yeah so so you're you're whistling mmm oh that's a tick okay I can't help it and and does your the the right eye blinking that's a tick as well okay so you're not just does it have any amount of winking or it's just a tick it's just a tick okay trouble a lot leap because okay if I go to nightclubs where I can't really explain myself right easily across the room a lot of people think I'm hitting on them when I'm really really not yeah so can you tell us a little bit about ticks and what's up with that so I have a condition called Tourette's syndrome a lot of people get symptoms in that early childhood but my family can remember symptoms coming from about the at least the age of one I have involuntary movements and speech so I'll quite often say things that are inappropriate if that happens during the stream I'm very sorry it's not a reflection of what I'm thinking and that's a common misconception about Tourette's syndrome is that it's what was secretly thinking I wish we could say but if it's mostly worth salad you don't know what's gonna get tossed up if it's relevant to the situation at all and sometimes it is it's usually because I'm worried about saying it rather than because it's actually what I'm thinking or feeling because worrying about being inappropriate quite often forces you to be inappropriate as someone with Tourette's but it can be very unfortunate and dangerous in public but luckily slightly less dangerous if you you know have an internet-based job where people get crossed with you they can't do anything about it and and so tell me do you have you noticed that some things make your tics better or worse oh yeah definitely I think that's the case for a lot of people with Tourette's syndrome making music definitely definitely a lot of people with even severe Tourette's syndrome have consumed without tics or perhaps play an instrument without having any ticks at all and there are lots of things a lot of people ask if I tick during sex and I've this is a question I ask a lot of people who also have Tourette's syndrome across the board if if the sex is good no kiss focus and if you're enjoying something and it requires a lot of focus and you're very much engaged with what you're doing it definitely reduces the tics there's lots of where there's lots of things that do reduce the tics exercise things like I don't took as much around my personal trainer um so he's quite shocked what he sees videos of me yeah so yeah definitely and there are things exacerbate it too like high stress situations high emotion feelings of awkwardness my biggest trigger is awkwardness so I can't watch mr. bean quietly that's for sure mr. bean is amazing yes so stress and and what about burnout so I have always I used to be a cafe Bicks and my life was really still for a while and I think that was the worst thing I ever experienced honestly so I have always been chasing things to do and I can never say no and even before I start streaming it was a bit of a problem because I used to run a business I used to care for my mom used to care for rescue animals and I used to do rescue volunteering and the four of them put together sometimes I'd come home for an hour and then go straight back out again and I would do that for days on end and you know and I would like fall asleep at work and then I'd fall asleep in the car on the way to rescue work and I would just never stop and when I started doing what's that I thought that is I don't know I mean I definitely have an aversion to sing still I definitely have an aversion to to stopping for anything and I'm not very good at its handing to my needs so I quite often forget to make myself food or get to sleep or take time for me I feel guilty when I do those things so I feel much better when I'm getting on with stuff actually doing something productive and worthwhile hmm you feel guilty for attending to your needs yeah definitely like playing games or just you know just taking a minute to just sit in the garden whatever I feel this like encroaching sense of dick Christ encroaching sense of um like I'm wasting my time there's things that need to be done I'm letting everything slip out of my hands and I've got to get back to it now sort of thing how long have you been feeling that way I don't know I think he I think it probably started when I stopped being able to go outside back when I got too scared to go outside and I was fully agoraphobic I stayed away from everyone didn't really speak to anyone for years and during that time Easter look out the window and see the Sun was rolling by and know that this was a summers night summer is yeah Saint years yes Wow Angie I used to I used to feel terrible like I was wasting the best time of my life and do you so can you tell us a little bit about when you became as you put it fully agoraphobic I I went I I tried I was up I was really young pestering my mom to go let me go back to school because I starting to feel a bit lonely and I wanted to reach out to other kids why weren't you in school uh we moved around a lot and even when we were still I wasn't I we all went we didn't always have a home sometimes we were homeless and things were just challenging my mom needed looking after and so did our rescue animals and so there wasn't really much space for me to get a formal a formal education but so I started to get a bit lonely and I started to want to go to school but then I did go to school and even though I was doing well academically right off the bat I wasn't doing so well trying to integrate I had these symptoms but no explanation for them so I was coming across as a bit weird and it's not always easy to fit in when you're a bit weird and yeah some some pretty some pretty bad stuff happened so I kind of put you again but the aggression didn't stop and you know what do you mean the aggression so my uh my my last day of school I was 13 and my 4 I think it was for six formers I don't know how old they the oldest kids our school basically beat me until I was unconscious oh [ __ ] wasn't much I could do about it so I woke up in the in the in there I woke up in the in the in the in the health bit I forgot the name for it the met first aid there we go first aid place with their like on-site doctor person and that's my last day I was like I can't do this anymore I mean it's not safe for me to learn here it's not gonna stop so I left but I had a paper route and the kids from that same school would continue to ask me throw stones at me had come home bleeding and they died my house and that constantly ridiculed me so there wasn't really anything I could do to escape it it just followed me everywhere and my world just shrank and shrank I gave up my background I gave up going outside and just even opening the front door started to give me a bit of a heart attack so people didn't take my tics well people didn't you know there was there was a lot of stuff going on that just I couldn't really change or contend with right so but so I just withdrew wow that sounds awful those just sounds honest it kind of insane like I've never heard of a 13 year old being beaten into unconsciousness nor have I heard of someone who like has a paper route who gets like throw stones thrown at them I mean it sounds like you were hunted yeah well it's not always easy to explain yourself if you don't have a diagnosis I used to wonder myself I'd do all these inappropriate things and then go why am I such a terrible person because I didn't have I would pinch people on the back of the arm or punch them on the arm and not want to and not understand why and they might get kicked off buses and things like that and it just became very difficult to get out and you might would do anything because when people asked wiles I don't know I don't know so yeah my world shrank and I stayed in all day and the nights and days bled into one ah I didn't uh I didn't go outside I think have anything news so I was playing the same games over and over again and my yeah I didn't really speak to my mom a lot she was very very ill she spend most of her time in bed the house was always quiet so there wasn't really mm much going on I need I'm gonna say something that may be a little bit inflammatory but like it's honestly the the thought that pops into my head now on earth are you not way more [ __ ] up uh you know the first therapist to ask me that actually but just um I've had four in my life and yeah all of them have asked me that I mean serious I'm not like I mean you you come across as is you know introspective patient intelligent I mean these are all the things that I'm feeling from you compassionate you know aware of your internal state to a certain degree acceptance which is a lot of what we talked about today and and like I'm telling you I've seen people who are way more [ __ ] up than you who have had way easier lives and like consistently right I mean usually it doesn't it doesn't take a whole lot to [ __ ] up patrasche and that's really sad like it doesn't take a whole lot to really mess up a kid and and what I'm hearing from you like I'm just really really stunned to be honest like so you know there's one part of it is like you know all the frankly abuse that you went to but then you're also talking about a mom who's kind of disabled from a young age and and kind of doing left to your own devices mm-hmm and so I yeah yeah how are you how are you capable of just functioning at all at this point well I think one of the big things and this is why I'll always recommend it to parents is I was surrounded by animals and that was partly my own doing if I'm honest so uh when I was really little uh uh the front kind of started with rabbits we lived near a castle market there were rabbits they were being a headed skinned cleaned hung up by this by this giant lady with a meat cleaver there were these fluffy little things in cage right next to the store where it happened and I was just like what and I was like really really young like a toddler's age you know less than four at some point and I love dies with this little white one I was at the st. happening to you and we got out into the car park and my mom was like why is your coat wiggling we ended up with minty and eventually licorice and dandelion and honey and you know they were the foundations for me empathy my patience and my introspect I definitely think that animals were the root of that because you learned to care for somebody else's needs with no expectations of your own they can't give you anything except attention and they can they just think about know jump in for a second so you say you learned to care for someone else without any expectation of your own needs sorry that you learn to care for someone else without any expectation and kind of putting their needs above your own I don't think you need to put a rabbit's needs above your own in order to care for them but sure definitely I cared about them before I learned to care about myself but the the thing was you know I was a toddler you don't really learn a lot about self-care when you're little yeah I knew it immediately I cuz II already I've been through some stuff at that age I was like I already knew what it was to be vulnerable and at the big peoples mercy and I just saw all of these little things that the big people's mercy and I related to that I connected to that in an instant I was like but what I really go ahead say hmm I really just wanted them to be safe that was the first thing I ever felt about any animal was I just I wanted to be one of the big people that was a good thing and you know a good a good presence in their life I wanted to have the power to make things better for them do you mind if I ask what what happened to you at a young age where you had come to fear the big people so much so so much I had a violent relative relative I had relatives word punish me for my tics and which would make them worse what do you mean that I was quite often ostracized from my family and a point of shame I my fat my family broke apart quite early but whenever I would go and be with them they didn't understand me and they would feel embarrassed when I was at the dinner table that constantly apologizing for my behavior they're constantly making me stay at home alone what they went and did activities as a family because they didn't want to have to deal with the trouble I bring and I was left to not I wasn't allowed to eat with everyone like they punished me thinking he would correct my behavior and it wouldn't it would just make it worse because the emotional side of things would make the tics worse and so like whilst I was well behaved I'd have these stats of seemingly just out of nowhere being terrible pushing things over or making loud noises or swearing and they just didn't understand it and thought but I would just act out out of nowhere so yeah I I just had I didn't have much that was fun most the time I was just scared of what they do next because I didn't predict when I'd upset them hmm you actually kind of answered I was about to ask like you know you're talking a lot about other people's feelings and and how they reacted I was really curious about how you felt in those situations like what did you understand about why you did these things I understand any of it I just I knew that I wanted to get on with everyone I knew that I wanted to engage and have fun I knew that I wanted to be accepted I just didn't know how because I couldn't stop the thing that they were asking me to stop and I didn't know why I couldn't stop it was it felt like it would happen and then I'd realised after what Helena nothing my heart would sink how would you feel about yourself place and always having to excuse or apologize for my presence there like everyone else was getting on with things but not me I was trying to be a part of it but always having to excuse my presence and always an inconvenience just felt like I was constantly having to apologize for existing I mean it's interesting because I even wonder about some of the things that you said earlier about burnout and sort of how you tend to ignore your needs and and it's I'm almost wondering if you know when you feel a hunger thirst whether there's some part of your mind that sort of use that as an inconvenience and and kind of views yourself as sort of an inconvenience that needs to be attended to I never thought about it right because like here's here's what I hear Anita I hear someone who's very caring but caring to the point of neglecting themselves right I think that's common among people who are care as though if the first level of engagement you ever know is a one-sided relationship you end up in emulating that later in life often our parents are the templates we use to engage with others and my relationship with one of mine was definitely all giving and without any kind of reciprocating for long periods of time yeah so that's interesting so first of all really viola this is awesome I don't know if you're just brilliant or you've been through a bunch of therapy or you're well-read or whatever but it's it's really fantastic to talk to someone who is so introspective and and able to really look at themselves so let's let's let's think about that for a second right so you're saying that our parents are a template the template that we follow but what what did your parents model for you mmm well my mom was sick so I I learned a lot just because I had to learn how to cook when I was really really young like under the age of ten sure I had to learn to deal with bailiffs and landlords and bills and I had to deal with calling in about repairs and you know my safety as well I had to I was very cognizant with my safety because no one was gonna keep me safe except me so I learnt to be very responsible very young and I'm angry and when my mom was well she was a really great example she the scientist she was really great at dancing she was an accomplished artist um she was a photographer she you know she got silly qualifications and she was just brilliant in many ways and that was very inspiring so she wasn't all bad but I think I definitely learned to be most comfortable when I'm giving but not very very very comfortable or secure when I'm receiving anything well yeah I mean so you say that and and that makes that we can clearly see the thing that I'm kind of confused about is that doesn't seem like the template that your mom gave you right the template that your mom gave you was to be the receiver of care not the giver of care you actually became the opposite of your true yeah I can see that right so that's weird like because I agree with you generally speaking children become some version of their parents because that's what's modeled to us so we just you know we learned through observation monkey-see monkey-do and that's not what I meant as in like quite often I feel that we our parents give us the template with our engagement so if you have a parent who is quite aggressive towards you then your your template is when you grow up is that you conflate love with aggression and you allow people to be aggressive towards you because your parents always told you I love you yet hit you and so you can accept that kind of dye cotton dichotomy I don't know what the right word is when you're older because it's very familiar I don't know that I copy my parents but I certainly copy or relive some of the ways that I engage with them with other people and I think that's what I mean by that template yeah so beautifully put right so that's actually exactly what we see we don't see you copying your parents behavior we see you your behaviors as responses the way that you learn to relate to other people is based on the model of the way that you related to your mom which is one side and caring yeah what do you think about that it's hard to break out of because it's a very expected role of women so like people other people are very comfortable receiving from me other people are very comfortable with me making food for them or giving them see or bringing them gifts or tending to their needs or listening to their feelings um I think that it's very very difficult to step out of that role when people are very comfortable with you being that and things like having good self-esteem and being proud of yourself or being open about your sexuality in things that there are quite often frowned upon and you know given women who do that are giving pretty nasty labels quite often so I think growing up people very much accepted the way that I've been shape and I was never really incentivized to change it I think for a second so let's take your so beautiful example earlier by the way about sort of people who grow up with let's say aggressive or angry parents and who conflate love and anger because it feels normal to them and then oftentimes children who are abused will wind up in relationships as adults with people who are abusive and I think I think you you offered a wonderful and insightful explanation of how you know it feels normal to them that like you can you can be the victim of aggression and also the recipient of love from the same person it fits and then this person ends up in an abusive relationship after abusive relationship after abusive relationship and then one day they come and they say exactly what you just said people are comfortable with receiving what I have to give they're comfortable with me making them soup and and listening to their feelings and I could imagine the same person or not like the person in our hypothetical sentence inators saying yeah I'm a tab uncha dudes or women who are very comfortable beating the [ __ ] out of me and then telling me that they love me the next day people are just like that what would you say to them I think it's very easy to I think it's very easy for violence to become invisible if it's all you've ever known in the same way that if you have a teapot in the room and it might be the most ugly teapot in the world and everyone who comes in might see it it might be the first thing they notice in the house because they're not used to the teapot but if you grew up with that teapot in that room you might not even see it anymore you might walk past it every single day and it won't be there to you sure unless the one cake calls attention to it and so with violence it might seem very garish the others like very garish the obvious from the outside that an abusive relationship is what it is but from the inside if it's all you've ever known since childhood that part becomes invisible especially if you're very desperate for love and attention and that was also something you didn't get very much of as a child enough different for 11 attention I don't know I feel uncomfortable with love and attention so definitely twitch was an adjustment in that respect I feel worried when that happens more than anything yeah so Anita let me ask you a question why does the I agree with you that everything about you said about the teapot is is once again very eloquently put but let me ask you like when that person says yeah I end up dating abusive person after abusive person after abusive person that's just the way let's say men are or women are because men get abused too how would you respond to that person like sure you're saying that it feels normal to you but like why do you think they keep on winding up in abusive relationships is it because everyone is fundamentally abusive I think that people who tend to I wouldn't know how to put this to someone in that situation because I think hearing it in and of itself doesn't destroy that worldview but I think that people who are passive in the face of violence attract violent people because violent people don't hang around people who won't put up with their [ __ ] so the only people they're going to connect with our people Q are passive and will continue to engage with them even when their boundaries is not respected and those people are harder to find but they will always find the people who will allow them to do it so in in a certain way these people who are subject to abuse and people who are abusers tend to attract each other but they're kind of separate from the rest of the world in that a lot of other people can engage with each other without hurting each other or being harmed it's just that this particular life trap tends to magnetize towards the opposite and that can definitely lead to a cycle so Anita who are you magnetized towards and who is magnetized towards you I don't know when I before I started streaming there were a lot of dark people in my life because even now my friends will say it I'm very patient my first reaction when someone messes up the first time is we all make mistakes or mix mal make mistakes someday and I hope I'm forgiven for it we're all human and I try to like help them through it and go here's how we don't do this next time don't worry buddy and I try to maintain the connection I repair it even if I'm not the person who's broken it so my friends will probably tell you that I put up with a lot more than I should and that I probably do attract quite a lot of dark people but since I started streaming twitch is full of givers people who want to give you their time and attention with no expectation and I'm not used to that and that was scary when I first heard right um and now I'm surrounded by people who are definitely very much the opposite that are very lucky to the phone into place because it's giving me a whole new scope of life and friends that are really amazing and safe sounds wonderful and it sounds like it was really a growth a point of growth for you to kind of essentially feel very uncomfortable with other people's giving because that didn't feel right to you yeah I found a way to overcome that though how'd you do that well I thought about the it was actually something a therapist said ages ago she was like but it didn't really click until I fell here and it was how do you feel when you're giving and I went good it's a way to connect with people it's a way to indulge the best part of myself I feel good about these interaction I feel good when I see people happy and she was like well why what do you think other people are feeling when they're giving to you I was like yes exactly that so how do you think they feel if you refuse and you pull away was it okay no I get it yeah yeah can I share a story that reminded me of something from my old life that I kind of learned that my wife taught me can I share that yes so so my mom and grandmother so I'm I might I have one brother so growing up and coming from an Indian culture like gender norms are very regimented so like men do certain things and don't do other things and growing up you know my brother and I were actually pretty chill and so you know my mom and grandmother would sometimes come this and then they'd ask us like what do we want to eat for dinner and we viewing ourselves as chill we would kind of or you know actually being chilled depending on it we'd say like you know you can make whatever you want to or like we can eat whatever you want like I don't really care like whatever you want to do is fine and then what do you think that did to them when we would say whatever any idea I have no idea what I'm surprised were they uncomfortable with that yeah sort of so like like then would have would they would ask us like do you want to eat this or do you wanna eat this because my mom and grandmother would really derive especially my grandmother because she basically I mean she spent a lot of her life in in the kitchen and so she derived a lot of enjoyment and pleasure out of like demonstrating her love through food and that was kind of what she did and and so we would say whatever and then she would ask us like okay do you want to eat this and we'd be like yeah that's fine and then she's like do you want to eat this and we'd be like yeah that's fine too do you eat this and she would be like yeah but that's fine and and then my wife one day pointed out to me that you're driving him absolutely [ __ ] crazy like if you like what you should do is just tell them you want to eat something because they want they want you to say something and then they want to do eat feed you whatever you want to eat and they want to watch you enjoy it but unless you actually express a preference you're actually doing them a disservice because they're here to care for you so like let them care for you and just tell them what you want to eat or just pick something you don't actually care just pick any anything and then pretend you really want to eat it and then let them make it and whether you like it or don't like it just say it's awesome and express your gratitude and eat and stuff yourself and it kind of made me realize that like sometimes the best thing that we can do for people is for us to like if for us to help them is not to actually be neutral towards them but for us to actually be helped by them right is for us to actually like let them yeah sorry that wasn't what I meant but yeah breakfast I I can agree that you know being able to state your needs is an opportunity for others indulge the best in themselves and to rise up Tia and sometimes it can feel awkward and uncomfortable for many reasons some people have low self and feel like others don't like attention and feel uncomfortable some people feel demanding and feel like it's too much to ask there are so many reasons why many people I bet in chat feel a bit weird asking for anything and I'm not the only person and I still have to fight on an emotional level even though I feel like I've I understand it on her what is the emotional level what do you mean by that well I think sometimes instinctively the way that we've grown the way that we felt for most of our lives lingers even if we reason our way out of it we still have to contend with the emotional side of things even if we understand how the trick is done the magic trick can still affect you that's a bad analogy because you yeah what is the emotion what is the theme oh what is the emotion that you're contending with mmm I think it's a mixture of fear and shame yeah definitely okay I definitely understand you Sara that hmm what are you afraid of her what are you ashamed I don't know I guess another way to explain it would be like what someone's nice to me it's always felt like I've taken out a loan of like two billion pounds or something I'll never be able to pay it back I'm not in a position like because when I was younger if people were nice to me like there's nothing to do I can't make this good I'm just taking and everyone around me was always saying all you do is take take take you you know you're you never give back and it's like I don't know how you haven't shown me how and I didn't I didn't really know what to do about it I just felt indebted and it and it felt really concerning and worrying but also people used to be nice to me in order to you then later be cruel it was manipulative there were adults around me that weren't didn't have the best intentions growing up and I didn't have as much protection because my parents weren't there so in that sense it became intimidating it was almost a threat to see things and I might be blamed or people might get angry at me later for having them so I guess I was just concerned in general like that all of that would just hit me in a wave and sometimes it still doesn't have to catch it and go nope everything's good now and you know I can bake the neighbor a cake next time you know and everything's okay so it sounds like you were afraid of the other shoe dropping that people were nice to you and then there would be pain afterward hmm yeah so that's fear what is shame I heard a wonderful exploration of fear but I didn't understand too much about why you felt ashamed I don't know I guess I think it was instilled from a young age that I wasn't supposed to take anything once I asked for a chocolate and one of my member of my family went no you can't ask for things that's rude and really really ashamed to be in front of everyone like really loudly everything went quiet and they kind of exploded at me for asking if I could have a job to you and there was a situation where I went to a friend's house and I made them toast they asked me to go down and make the toast for them and I went down I made toast and their grandparents caught me I'm like all you do is take take take like oh that's all you ever do and I was like I haven't taken anything from you this isn't you it for me but like I immediately feel ashamed because I feel like if I receive anything it's I'm not supposed to have that this isn't meant for me like that there's this idea ever since I was younger that I'm not supposed to take it I'm not supposed to have anything that yeah that it's I don't even know how to explain it but yeah so I feel guilty whenever I do okay can I think for a second he wants breakfast send it now press em first I like that voice it sounds like like it's like a serie or something it sounds like a I don't know how to describe it it sounds like a voice that you hear on like a phone or yeah thank you it's it's a voice I often have tics and for some reason or another I my tics take they have a totally different vocal range than I do generally for some reason some of them are high-pitched some of them have a list some of them sound like a sat-nav you know yeah yes I know that's what it is yeah yeah and it also I need it's it's cool to talk to someone and you sort of mentioned that sometimes emotions make your tics more active and it's been fun to watch and I hope this doesn't come across as mean it's just I find it very so a lot of times when I talk to people I struggle to know what they're feeling or how they could be feeling and it's been neat to sort of have a little bit of a barometer for what you could be feeling based on how active your tics are and that there are certain times where you know it's clear that you're focused and paying attention and you're speaking and sharing and then your tics kind of go down and if there's a period of silence and then your mind is left some energy but some leftover energy it sort of manifests outward as it is a tic and that's neat to kind of think a little bit about I've never been able to quite get a thermometer or barometer of someone's like mental energy emotion and focus in the way that I have been talking with you so I'm learning a lot it's actually kind of cool that's cool yeah I get a lot of abuse for it in chat because people go ah she forgot to tick see I knew it was fake every time she talks or focuses she forgets she drops her acts and I'm just like no that's not how it works please don't pressure me like that no no it's really not how it works I mean the way that I would envision takes for you is an excess of mental energy so if your mental energy is spent in a particular way and if we think about what does emotion do to your mind it creates energy in your mind right so what emotion leads to increased activity so the more increased activity that you have that you cannot focus so if we think about energy of the mind is having inflows and outflows when it rises above a certain level I think it take manifests and so the more inflow you have through emotion and stress the greater your chances of tics are the more outflow that you have through let's say focus practice flow music engaged in conversation that decreases the energy and decreases the manifestation of tics I think it's really just about energy in the mind that's such a good way of explaining it thank you I might steal that next time someone asks me on my street I steal away it's been really fun to see because even when I when I start talking more I think your tics manifest more because it doesn't require a little of your attention to listen so I have a couple of questions for you if that's okay yeah so the first is and so let me actually start off by saying this so you know it's clear to me I think either you've done a lot of really well probably both but you've done a lot of wonderful introspective work what are you really studying yourself and figuring out how the [ __ ] you work which is awesome and it sounds to me like you've had a couple of really good therapists I mean you said you had four and I'd guess that at least a couple of them were like really good and helped you a lot what do you think I'd say one was a life changer yeah the rest were kind of met um but yeah since meeting her she changed her life so I've been raising funds and giving them to her to pay for other people to see her because I really believe in what she does so this dream has helped me to you get other people to get help through her which it's been amazing that's awesome wait now I also read but I think the Agra phobia allowed me to really stop and think and process Who I am what I want to be my ethics my understanding of the world and not fitting in allowed me to observe from an outsider's role because I couldn't quite click and so these things have kind of come together as me I'm just trying to make sense of the world as much as I possibly can yeah that's awesome I'm and I think you've really come a long way which kind of makes I mean I view that I have a Judy to people who come on stream which is to help them understand something or grow in some way I feel like that's what people come on here for not to say that that's why you came on but that's what I personally feel so I believe that it is part of my karma my Karma that I've been given certain advantages and unique opportunities to learn and that it's part of my job to pass those on to people who may benefit from them and I never know who that person is and so I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions if that's okay or a frame a couple of things and then my hope is that you know when we think about burnout that there's still a some part of you that doesn't let you take care of yourself in the way that you deserve to be taken care of and if we think about this like you know there was a anita 1.0 which was sort of like the caregiver and wouldn't receive anything and then there was a Nita 2.0 which is able of giving and receiving and then I'm kind of seeing I need a 3.0 who is someone who is is able to actually give to herself right and and so I think you can now receive from other people but I don't know and I'm sure you can to certainly receive from yourself because I think I mean there's no way that you can become the person that you have without having compassion towards yourself and at the same time I see a little bit of a pattern left over where you have difficulty like giving yourself things from yourself what do you think about that yeah I think if I took you in a house tool you'd see that a lot how do you mean what does a house tour have to do with that I don't buy things for myself I all of the people that visited my house say my walls are bare I have barely any furniture I have very few things most of the things in my house a rabbit related and for them or you know it's like yeah there's not really much that I do or invest time in that's for me I don't know in this house so so I mean in a broad sense and this may be a little bit unfair but I just don't know how else to describe it like I'm trying to get a sense of why can't you love yourself hmm Anais is a good question so and I've got a little bit of a hypothesis so what do you think about your mom I think she's amazing I think she's a very strong person thank you um she she gets very fixated on a task and she she's changed laws and she's changed the world in beautiful ways and you know I think yeah I definitely see a lot of good in her and I hope I can match up to it someday yeah so I'm wondering that all sounds really positive I'm wondering if you have any negative feelings towards your mom no I mean the rest of my family has a lot of Chris's criticisms because they think maybe she let me down but from a first-person like from an in the family perspective I'm not gonna hate on her for being sick not so uh and I'm really impressed with how much she did manage during that time you know yeah did she let you down no I think she really tried and I think that's really very very evident in that when she did have periods where she had more energy you know she would always you know go and get treats for me and things like that and you know she'd show her affection in some ways no I've never hugged my mum I've she doesn't show affection in conventional ways so we have a strange relationship but I definitely do you appreciate the times where you know she would she would do the most she could with what you know what little energy she had yeah so I just think about that so Anita I'm gonna challenge you a little bit there and I know this is gonna sound I'm not trying to it sounds like your mom really is a wonderful person and that she really is inspirational but I think that there's something very very subtle because you've come like 90% of the way and it's clear to me like you've done immense stuff and I think oftentimes that last 10% is very counterintuitive so let me let me just toss out some of the language that you're saying right so she tried she did the best that she could I'm not gonna not gonna blame someone who's ill all positive things right makes sense is fair but let me ask you something is there a difference between doing a good job and doing the best that you can yeah definitely so when we think about your mom when you say she did the best that he can the funny thing is that that's she did the best that she could the funny thing is that statement has an underside to it which is sort of an acknowledgment that she didn't do a great job right it's not that you blame her for not doing a great job there's a difference between blaming someone for not doing a great job and like admitting that someone didn't do a great job hmm what do you think about is that is that fair I mean my mom had a disability I wouldn't blame half being in bed a lot in the same way that I wouldn't blame someone in a wheelchair for not walking like this this isn't a parental failing this is illness you know yeah so this is this is where things get really weird Anita because when we look at your upbringing so there's a difference between blaming someone for something and acknowledging that they actually like that there were problems right because if we look at if we look at it from the outside and I know this it sounds really weird I'm really not trying to beat up on your mom it's just I've worked with people who have been so let me can I tell you a story so I was working with a patient who you know came in and and also had huge respect for his dad and his when he was young his mom when he was about nine his mom got no when he was seven his mom got diagnosed with cancer and then passed away when he was nine and his it was hard on everyone in the family it was hard on him it was hard on his younger sister it was hard on his dad and you know his dad was really in grief and and what would happen is he would finish working around 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. he would go to a bar every day after work and then he'd have a few beers and he'd come around eight or nine and his his you know ten-year-old son in his seven-year-old daughter would be with a babysitter like they'd come home from school babysitter would pick him up and the babysitter would be them from like with them from like three day okay so and he recognizes so his dad worked really hard tried to give him lots of opportunities did a lot of good stuff like you know tried to teach him things and and was a good dad in a lot of ways and and then when I kind of asked him I was like you know how did you feel when when your dad would like go drinking every day he was like well my dad was like you know he'd lost my mom too and he loved her a lot and I don't blame him for going to the bar because he was in a period of grief and and then he kept on saying the same thing which is like he did the best that he could right like he doesn't blame him for doing that thing but the weird thing is if you really stop and think about it just because his dad even if we accept for a moment that his dad did the best that he could it doesn't mean that he did a great job right like it doesn't mean that he didn't let his son down in some ways we're not blaming him for letting his son letting his son down right we're saying that he's got a good reason he's a human being he's hurt he has grief and so we're not gonna blame him for that but at the same time we should be honest with the fact that like his dad whether he has good reason or bad reason wasn't able to provide for his son what his son deserved does that make sense yeah and so when I think about your upbringing I think about an upbringing that really was not good in a lot of ways what do you think yeah I I would say that there were definitely times where I wasn't safe there were things that happened to me there were times where I needed to learn how to process things and I never got any kind of I don't know emotional toolset sure you kind of handle the things around me I was definitely feeling out the world alone in many circumstances and I get that and that's that's something that I don't look at as something like it's really hard to say that the sentence I deserved anything I don't feel deserving of anything I have no expectations of life life is chaos you you aren't defined by your challenges your defined by how you handle them and I my parents they were young my dad was like young Indian teens I'm not sure when and my my mom was in a young one in her teens I'm not exactly sure how old they were but they're in their teens anyway and they they didn't really know how to be parents when I was born so they were thrown in at the deep end and I didn't expect them I wouldn't expect any teenager any kid is essentially to know how to be a perfect parent so I just feel lucky that I managed rather than angry that I didn't get anything I'm sure I don't really know how to see it any other way yeah and that's why I think you can't love yourself so I know this is gonna sound really bizarre but just run so like first of all let's let's start by there's a 90% chance I'm wrong and 10% chance I'm right can we start with those odds but I've got this really bass-ackwards way of looking at this so in a weird way I think that you grew up with givers and takers right and your mom was a taker and you were a giver right and you decided then and there that it was good to be a giver and bad to be a taker what do you think yeah I came pretty much okay so if we stop and we think about that if you say that being a giver is good and being a taker is bad what does that say about your mom yeah points what does it say that logic would say that she was bad right so and I think this is the problem with givers is that givers sometimes don't acknowledge that like they shouldn't be giving that the person who's taking from them is doing like a bad thing right like that's like when we think about the abusive relationship and stuff like that because you're comfortable in giving hmm and there's some people who are comfortable in taking but and it can be hard because I'm not saying that you shouldn't love and respect your mom and I'm not saying that you should blame her but at the same time I think you should acknowledge that there is like a giver and a taker in this relationship and that I find it as much as that you cover everything with like positivity which i think is resilient and good I think you have to acknowledge right I think that the way to really love yourself and I'll talk about how is to first of all acknowledge that like your mom could have done a better job right so even if she was ill or whatever maybe she couldn't have done a better job you can forgive so here's the here's what it is I don't know that you've forgiven your mom for raising you the way that she did because you don't blame her right and so in a weird way like you can't forgive someone for something that you don't blame them for like if you smack me across the face and I think that oh that wasn't your fault and there's like no forgiveness from my end because it wasn't your fault like what point is there and forgiving something if the no one is at fault and when I think about what what are you not able to do for yourself what are you not able to you're not able to love yourself and I think part of that is like what we mean by love is when you indulge you're not able to cut yourself some slack you're not able to forgive yourself for buying a painting for your wall because it feels indulgent for you because in that moment you're a taker in your honor given in that moment I think you become a little bit more like your mom which is not someone that you want to be yeah you don't see that I don't know that's a lot to process and I do I do notice that sometimes when I try to process things they're uncomfortable my brain just bounces off them yes so it's very it's a very it's a very difficult thing to penetrate good I mean I think it's very good that you're noticing that I could be wrong but my point here is that you know when you were talking about dichotomies earlier right that someone can be aggressive towards you and love you I think that there's a dichotomy here which is that you can love and respect your mom and not blame her for her disability which I don't think you should do and you can also acknowledge that just because it's not her fault doesn't mean that you didn't get a bad break mm-hmm right and and I think that there's a part of you that like because if we think about it it's bizarre it's like like you don't want to be a taker like that's the problem is that you're not willing to be a taker you want to be a giver and you've learned through a lot of introspection and growth and and frankly discomfort how to take things from people or receive things from people gifts and support on Twitch but even then like it's like you won't even you'll take their risk they're their gifts and you'll pass them on right like you're like oh it's like hot potato like they can give you positivity and you're just gonna hot potato it right out to your therapist so that she can help other people like I haven't forbid that I take anything but don't give anything to me like let me just let me do let me be a good person and go help other people and that sounds wonderful but there's actually something really [ __ ] up there which is like why can't you just accept people's gifts like why can't the potato land with you why can't people just do something for you and why can't you take it why can't you be on the receiving end of other people's like care and affection and positivity like what within you rebels so much against that because that's why you're beat the [ __ ] out like you might beat the [ __ ] but like that's why you neglect yourself so hard like why do you live in a room I'm not I think it's fine to live in a Spartan room like I lived in the Spartan room for years of my life as well but like I just literally didn't care and I don't know if it's the you don't care or that when the thought of buying something for yourself is like revolting to you yes the latter one so that's [ __ ] up right and then the question is like why is it revolting to you and I think it's because it's because Nick sorry I think it's that's okay I'm confused about when you're doing that should I stop talking and let you get it out or should I keep going do have you comfortable with I don't mind you I'm just wondering whatever facilitates a discussion I'm comfortable either way but I think it kind of comes back to the central idea of that like I think that you actually have some amount of resentment towards your mom and I think that that resentment is valid it doesn't make her a bad person it doesn't make you a bad person and I think what you need to do is like learn how to forgive because you don't forgive you make excuses for people you're understanding right so like actually like it through all of your positivity like this is the really really subtle thing is you've come across as and you are we're really like caring and loving and forgiving person but you don't really forgive what you do is you allow people to behave badly and you're so understanding that you let them get away with it just like just like you said when someone when you said that friends notice that like you cut people slack like we think about that as a positive thing and I think this is a prime example of it absolutely is a positive thing and 90% of the way it's positive but that last 10% is when it starts to become a little bit toxic that last 10% is when you should blame people for being mean to you you can forgive them but you should absolutely blame them if they're letting you down yeah and so I think this issue of blame and forgiveness is what you need to learn which is like actually holding people accountable if they let you down and there's this weird kind of like I mean sure your mom was sick and I don't know what kind of illness she has and it's not my place to be judgmental but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway like I mean just just the raw amount of Lourdes if you read the Lord of the Freid flights note Lord of Liza's I haven't read it yet I still need to so it's a story about like a group kids who wind up on an island and they like sort of like become primitive and brutal it's like when I hear about your upbringing it sounds like Lord of the [ __ ] flies to me it's like people are attacking you like adults are yelling at you people are doing nice things to you and then being mean to you people are being violent people are hunting you down with rocks when you're on a paper out like what the [ __ ] and if you don't blame anyone for that like that's not good I know it sounds [ __ ] weird like I think instead of giving people excuses what I would really think encourage you to do is think a little bit about blaming them if you really do feel that way dig down and see if you feel something like that and then forgive them and then in learning how to forgive if you can forgive your mom I think you'll be able to love yourself yeah that's what I got that's something to work on that's some homework yeah I mean if it doesn't sit with you that's ok too i mean i'm oftentimes wrong because i don't know what [ __ ] i'm talking about so sounds like you do to me yeah i might want to ask some questions absolutely uh what decided what made you decide to move what you do want to twitch just the realization that i could work in my office for ten hours a day six days a week for the rest of my life and i would never make a dent in anyone's liking the problem or what I've used the problem yeah that that coupled with the the realization that most of what I do in my office is repeated right so case in point like when I'm talking to you the reason I have this hypothesis is because I've run through this with another person who is also wonderful and positive and resilient and just a great guy that everyone loves and he's just so positive in like like he's also a caregiver he's like a giver he like supports his family he supports his in-laws he supports everyone and and that like in there's a very like when we good people we start to not want to admit that we have like dark sides right like like your but that's just not how human beings are weird I mean we have love and compassion and we also have hatred and shame and fear and you sound like you've done a great job you can cap you can find your fear and you can find your shame so easily which you really deserve credit for because it's hard to do that what I don't hear from you at all is an ounce of anger or hatred and I just don't think I kind of save it up for things I think are okay to be mad at the thing is I see a anger is like a hopeful emotion like it's when you don't stand for how things are so you have this motivation to change them and challenge them and so I don't let myself be angry at trivial [ __ ] like drama on bloody Facebook but I do let myself be angry and justice is and let that be a motivation to change things yeah but but but you see that like you see how like I mean it sounds so wonderful right but you see how [ __ ] judgmental that is you see how like you don't let yourself feel away about a petty thing because you don't like you're not letting yourself be you you're judging yourself for being like I think it makes sense that you should be angry within justices and fuel that anger and like make the world a better place and like let's protect rabbits absolutely but at the same time you're also not letting yourself be a taker in that moment sure but I I kind of feel like there are certain things that define you and I don't want to be defined by how I feel about trivial things when I catch myself reading something that genuinely doesn't matter or getting annoyed it's something that genuinely doesn't matter in line I'm like am I gotta waste hate on this I can just move on like this this [ __ ] hey hurts me so why just just let it go is it hurting anyone then I don't care sure I'd rather direct my attention to constructive things absolutely so so I think that that makes sense and I think there's a middle ground because I think you say I'd rather I'd rather spend my energy on constructive things which makes sense which is exactly why you don't have Archon walls right because you don't allow yourself the indulgence of doing things that are unconstructive in that I actually it is not fair I don't think you deserve to only be doing things that are constructive I did I think you deserve a break from time to time I think you deserve to be indulgent I think you deserve to be taken care of I think you endure deserve a day off I think you deserve to [ __ ] up I think you deserve to put yourself first and that not everything in like it's so subtle because it's so [ __ ] positive but it's like you deserve to be a little bit petty like you're allowed to be a little bit petty you don't have to be a saint and I'm with you that I don't think you should you know spend time getting wrapped up and with drama on Facebook like I think it's just a waste of everyone's time well what I'm saying is that you're actually at one end of the extreme and I think you're way forward because if we think about like you don't value yourself right like you know you're a good person and you value yourself in a very like a big way but you don't value yourself in like a little way mmm like are two things that I really relevant to that discussion and one of them is that you don't get to [ __ ] up on Twitch like you don't get to miss B you don't get to have a past you don't get to you know mess up in your relationships and things like that because those things you'll be punished for those things depending on your size there are people who've taken like 2 million pound pay cuts because they [ __ ] up in a private moment with their partner something no one would ever have millions of people angry at them for no one judging them for no one you know giving them hate mail sending death threats for not affecting their job in any way losing sponsors for like this is a this is a place where there is no room for fuck-ups where there's no room for Humanity who are always perfect or you are in danger you have there's this place people dehumanize you here and that's something I think you're less at risk of the most but something that those of us who offer mostly just ourselves feel every day because one day everyone hates you in the next day people love you and it turns on a dime like constant and so the other thing is I agree with you with the not self-care because I used to make arts I have a drawer full of artwork right there I don't draw i I've done one drawing in four years I specialized in animation and I haven't drawn since I left uni and it's because I feel that guilt I don't self indulge and I feel like I'm not a constructive thing to draw it's a self-indulgent thing so I think if I take your advice I probably would too and I think you should because I don't think you have to fix the world right like you like the whole point here I need is that you you undervalue yourself in the hierarchy of what deserves attention you are way too far down hmm and and and that I really wonder if like it's because you resent your mom for taking so much from you and you never want to be like her like oftentimes like you said we you know we like you're not you're not actually like you're so afraid like you kind of say you even said when we talked about modeling and how parents model behavior but you're like no no I'm the opposite of my mom absolutely it's weird because a lot of times we're not the opposites of our parents but you point out that you've worked very very so if we think about it if the automatic idea is that if I have an abusive parent the chances that they have an abusive child is very high and if they don't have an abusive chili if their child doesn't become abusive that is accomplished through a lot of effort on the child's parts it's because they overcome and fight against what they were taught right yeah do you think is with your position as a therapist that you have a lot of confirming evidence for that theory that may not be relevant to the world because the truth of the matter is that parent the children if you don't end up [ __ ] up don't come to you I worry that we tarnish people who have heard about abusive parents as likely to become abusive themselves when around two-thirds of them statistically don't yes I think that yeah and that a lot of therapists think that a lot of people become abusive because they've been abused but most people can triumph over that it's it and we I hope that people who've been through a lot [ __ ] don't get stereotyped because of it because the people who come to treat those who fell through the net didn't get the support they needed and ended up abusing because they don't know how to connect those people need help but they can also paint a picture to therapists and the people who help them this is never too you become if you have a piece of parents and I don't know that's true and I want to be one of the people that prove that isn't true I wanna be one of the people says you know we don't always turn out that way and many of us can get over it no so I agree with you a hundred percent so I I'm glad you brought that up so I do so I so the statistics just say that people who are abused are more likely to be abusive in your right that it's about a 30 percent chance right so the statistics are low the second thing is that I completely agree with you that your future is not determined by the way that you were raised in fact what I've seen time and time and time again in my job is that you can overcome those things and I think what we see from you is that you have overcome those things my point is that that overcoming is I do think that the people who are abused growing up have a harder game to play they're playing the game on hard mode this is the way that I'd put it that people who have loving parents are playing the game on easy mode people who have something between loving and abusive are playing the game on normal and then people who have abusive parents are playing the game on hard mode now all three of those people can beat the level at the end of the day it's just the deck is stacked against them and sometimes the people who end up becoming abusive once again I don't blame them because I think that they were playing a tougher game yeah so and I'm with you that they can overcome things if I didn't think that they could overcome things I couldn't do my job like my whole point is that you can overcome that the second thing that I want to address is is there a confirmation bias because I'm a therapist very possibly it's something that I struggle with a lot but I really don't think so because I think that you're assuming that the people that I see are broken in some way and I don't see them that way I don't see the people that I see as being less than the people that I don't see right so I think in a subtle subtle way like that in and of itself is a very dangerous thinking I see normal people everyone I see is completely normal and that's where I start with it this is just a normal person and sure can they be labeled with some kind of mental health disorder absolutely but I don't think of mental health disorders as like disorders of people I think of them is actually symptoms to deeper problems that we all face yeah I've seen multimillionaires that are suus idle because they're not doing enough for their family and I've seen people in jail who were 16 years old when they started dealing drugs because they're supposed to provide for the three older sisters because that's what a man [ __ ] does who's also suicidal because he can't see enough for his family if there's one thing that my clinical practice has taught me it's that the person in jail and the person who's the multi-millionaire at the core is self I know this sounds completely crazy but are far more similar than they're different because our society has taught us that these two human beings are fundamentally different but my work has taught me that this is why I stream on Twitch because I don't think that the people on Twitch are rejects I see myself in them and I see inside sorry that's okay anyway so I don't think that there's a confirmation bias but there very well could be it's something that I struggle right but I think statistically I also don't see I mean I a fair number of people in my practice or don't have even don't fit criteria for a mental illness I I work with people who suffer and I try to help people with suffering which would this says is like a universal human condition but it's still possible that I have a cognitive bias right it's possible that there's a selection bias it's possible that all of what I've learned is like not fair or widely applicable but I still think when it comes back to you like you what what I really think is that like I really wonder if there's a part of you that doesn't want to become your mom yeah and you know you're I'm grateful for that too because I think every parent aspires to have a child that outdoes them and I have the benefit of learning from some of my mom's mistakes from getting not having to live them myself to know the pain of them and that's good too and I think it's good to some degree to want to be different from my parents when I improve on the model that they set for us I think that's a beautiful thing so I am uncomfortable believing that yeah that I would like to be different I would like that I can see things that I wouldn't want to do we'll be yeah that makes a lot of sense let me ask you something are you I mean really what about your personal life but is it okay if I ask you about your thoughts about having kids or whether you have kids I am NOT gonna have kids I'm not I I think if I do start to feel broody I will adopt because I don't think the answer to the world's problems is another DNA copy of me and by the time they have kids that DNA isn't passed on anymore it's gets mixed and mixed again until it's completely different its DNA is not it's a transient thing it doesn't matter but there are people out there who've been through a lot of similar things to me you were waiting for somebody to love them and they go and sit out there and loved while I create yet another human being in a very well populated earth so I think if I did have kids I would go and find someone that my tools would be particularly relevant and use so exactly yeah there it is right so I asked you about kids and what's your answer that I'm not gonna do something I'm gonna do something I'm like I don't know it's unclear to me what your needs exactly are but I hear the same axis of there are people out there who need my help so who the [ __ ] am i to create another genetic copy what right do I have to bring in someone else into the world because there's so many kids out there who are suffering you see how thick it is [ __ ] me and what I want it's not even clearly that you want kids but I don't think you've even entertained the idea automatically it's so [ __ ] automatic that actually upsets me because I think you're you're actually not valuing yourself there there's a difference between saying I actually want kids and I'm gonna give them up but I don't think you'd do that see this is the thing you don't even like admit to yourself that something is wrong and then give that up you just slide right past it and you use greater in justices to justify giving things up for yourself it's so positive and yet like there's a part of me that screams that you are doing something to you that has been done to your entire life which is that you are devaluing yourself and you were saying that if there are things that are more important than me that bothers me it bothers me really deep down because I do think that that kid out there who needs a loving parent is more important than you are right we all deserve to be important yeah and you do it so quickly and it's like clouded with so much positivity and that it's so easy to get away with and yet I feel hurt when I hear you say that which is [ __ ] weird because you're talking about something that's so good anyway can I just say to those in chat that I still think it's worth adopting regardless strategies aside and that there is a certain amount to be gained from adopting someone and connecting with someone beyond a genetic level but rather passing on what's truly important about you the thing that you decided which is your identity your values and your you know your tools for navigating the world and those things are the things you decided about itself those are the things you can take credit for those are the things I think really matter about us we don't choose what eye color we have but we do choose who we are and passing on a little bit of that in a positive way and helping someone else with that is beautiful and I think that is still Parenthood and I still I think it's an undervalued form of parenthood and I'd encourage anyone in chat to adopt regardless of my reasoning even if it might seem a little bit dysfunctional in this content no I mean but like Anita so thank you for sharing that I think it's I really do think your your goals are noble and I support them a hundred percent I think you're a wonderful person it's just there's something that's just so subtle about you putting the rest of the world first like it's a weird thing right but that's what I hear from you time and time and time again is that like I put other people first and I just don't agree with that mmm-hmm and in that because I think you deserve you deserve being put first - hmm it's one thing to hear that but how do you put it in practice because the feeling doesn't go away and sometimes I push back the tide and I start doing things for myself I can never keep it up yeah I had this issue for a long time and even when I did rescue work years back I used to go out there I used to do anything and everything some of it was like dangerous as well and I'd come home and I'd be really really exhausted and I'd go back after an hour and do it again like I spent an hour at home a day for like a month and she's completely burnt out and the thing with all of that is like I would notice the problem trying to fix it get started and then just fall back into again and I just fell back into it with it's dreaming yeah so so I need a great question so I think which the problem here is that you're overcoming something and that's not a sustainable way to live your life so like when you when you think about like you know your desire to make the world a better place is to move away from something within yourself does that make sense mmm like I I think like a lot of your desire for goodness in the world is like because of some badness in you like it's just moving away and then when you indulge is something from yourself it's like that badness within you comes up front and center and then you don't want that feeling so you go out and you help someone else hmm which the world the world loves a relationship with you because you're you do for the world what all these people do and they take advantage of your kindness the world takes advantage of your kindness the world is gonna take as much as you have to give and it'll let you chew yourself out in the process and it won't give two shits when you burn out and when you're exhausted the thousands of people out there who benefit from your you know your sacrifices will appreciate it and no one will be left to care for you and that's completely fine now the question is how do you overcome that I think you have to figure out where that sense that other people are fundamentally more important than I am comes from and you have to explore like where you got that idea and and I know I keep on harping on this this may not be right but like I I really do wonder if you Harbor some kind of resentment from your mom or towards your mom and if you do harbor resentment towards your mom if you can acknowledge that it may not be rational and it may not be fair but you just have to like notice it right and and for you to hold that your mom because you talk about your mom like an ideal figure right like you talk about her like she's one-dimensional like you talk about her his is intelligent in support of and wonderful and he'll and it's tragic that she like but parents are not one-dimensional right all of us like I mean I hope I'm a good dad but I'm a [ __ ] psychiatrist so I'm sure my kids are gonna be [ __ ] up one day because that's what happens statistically right and so so I mean the truth is that there's no such thing as a perfect parent but what I hear you describe is a perfect parent and I think that's a problem yeah and as you start to explore in what ways like where does that feeling come from like why is it like when I asked you this question about kids like you've launched into this whole philosophical explanation and I think great you guys should adopt because there are a lot of kids out there that need love but the question is as you as as I asked that question and you start explaining stuff what is the feeling that you're moving away from if I were to ask you Anita I think you should have kids how do you feel if I say that right right so why do we feel defensive it's because something hurts we have to protect something time to tank up so what is it that hurts with the prospect of you having kids like forget about whether you actually should or shouldn't that's your choice if you want to adopt by all means go do it but what I'm saying is like what what is it within you that you are feeling defensive about you what's wrong with you having kids you I think I think it's a I think it's a couple of things I think I wanted them is uh is I don't really picture myself in a relationship I don't picture myself like I worry as well like it immediately brings up the idea of like almost relationships and and then I'm it's handily connected to another person who probably [ __ ] me over at some point and you know looking at all of the awkward single parents you have to see the other parent and a list of stuff and I see painful connections there whereas I see a connection that's based on someone needing you and it's not incumbent on whether you'll sleep with them with the approve of you or whether they can handle your condition it's just a need and that seems pure from Earth you're talking about the potential father of a child that you have or you're talking about the child themselves the potential father like I think if a child needs you that very that's a very clear and very easy thing to maintain and a very safe thing to you for me it seems like that's not incumbent on anything whereas a relationship is and they fluctuate and they don't statistically last I think that a child with someone carrot the idea if it carries a lot of pain compared to the idea of just helping someone who needs honestly yes that's thank you for sharing that and also like whoa like I feel like this is a whole different conversation right so because it's interesting so I'm gonna toss your words right back at you about you know children of abusers becoming abusers like why do you think you have to fall victim to that statistic right we're willing if you can overcome your upbringing because that was a long shot right let's be honest like most people who grew up in your situation where they're physically abusive the child of teenage parents it sounds like and you know left to fend for themselves like most of them end up like you know in like I mean I've worked with a lot of people with substance use and it's now and honestly I'll tell you I mean so I we sometimes not really joke about this but if I can share one other thing so I need I used to work in an emergency room I don't really do that kind of work anymore but for many years I worked in an emergency room and sometimes we've got a kid who comes in and the kid has all these different diagnoses they've gotten like bipolar disorder marijuana use cocaine use depression ADHD and and really like with the diagnosis for the kid was it was something that there was an older woman as a psychiatric DD who was brilliant she was a nurse practitioner and she would say yeah the kid has [ __ ] life syndrome it's not that they have depression and bipolar and ADHD it's just like they've got just like a [ __ ] life like they don't have stability in their house they don't have parents who are like stable they just you know the child services people are involved and the thing is it sounds like you had [ __ ] life syndrome like it sounds like you have grew up in a place where you don't really have stability or care or support and you overcame the odds and so it blows my mind that like you're afraid of the odds right because if you've overcome such long-ass odds to become the person that you are who's caring and compassionate and resilient like why on earth would you think that if you chose to spend the rest of your life with someone and this gets into monogamy or whatever so like I mean let's not even presume that saying this is probably a different conversation but like you have so many fears around so your relation your fear of having a child of your own has nothing sounds like it has nothing to do the child has everything to do with the partner yeah and so like I think if I mean so that's got to be dealt with that has nothing to do with adoption that's just like what you know like where do you get the idea that you know this is gonna like be doomed to disaster because that also hurts me to hear because I I think that it's possible and and you know I think it's possible for people to meet each other to be invested in each other and to build a life with each other and the fact that you've taken that off of the table I think makes we feel sad I think they have some healing to do I I spent several years in a DV situation what is that domestic violence ah so I had to flee someone I had to give up my life I was midway through studying I got my degree I was studying for higher education and I had to just abandon it all move leave all my friends to get away from it he tried to end my life it's [ __ ] scary yeah yeah that explains woman yeah and yeah it's been hard to connect with people since I have succeeded I had another six year relationship after that but I that wasn't the best relationship either but for other reasons he he never harmed me but yeah I kind of feel I yes still getting past that one yeah um and obviously that's how I get that window into how our relationship with our parents become so familiar that we end up reliving them with our friendships and relationships there are I'm very aware of that and still figuring my way through it I'm still figuring out how to draw people of a different kind and to be in a safer more stable place because sadly and here's the thing people get crossed with women who keep ending up in with a piece of relationship there's so many jealous men who like she only gets with [ __ ] more women like bird boys and all those generalizations but the truth is I didn't end up with bad people because I love bad boys I was hopeful and naive every time and every bad person will tell you they're good at the start and if you're hopeful you believe them yeah and so I I end up convincing myself never again I'm gonna go for someone nice someone kind animated so can I tell you to go for something else yeah I don't want you to go for someone who's nice I want you to go for yourself do you mean so like the undercurrent for everything that I'm hearing from you and Nita is that you put other people first I want you to be in a relationship where you come first I don't even know what that looks like absolutely and that's the [ __ ] problem that is the [ __ ] problem is that you have no idea what it's like to put yourself first you have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship where you get put first and that I think someone in your [ __ ] upbringing deserve some blame for and so I think it starts with baby snacks yeah get yourself some artwork spend some time painting and see what comes up you're working with a therapist now no I don't have okay well okay but then I would say like and then like explore that right like what is that guiltiness like that guiltiness is you putting yourself first like [ __ ] put yourself first you deserve it and you've already made a world like you've done enough like you're already in that positive right how many people did you send to your amazing therapist to is life-changing I don't know yeah I'm gonna have to ask her who's like I mean if you if if you sent more than one then you're not positive for life fine so you deserve a break and like do something for yourself and put yourself first and you've done amazing I mean I neither you've just done such an amazing job but like your positivity is infuriating because it comes in and you're 90% there but that last 10% has to come from like loving yourself and choosing yourself and putting yourself first we're here on Twitch where everyone is so [ __ ] selfish and I don't think they are by the way I have a better opinion in which I sometimes wonder I mean I realize when you're saying earlier about you know twitch and failure and all that you losing my income and all that kind of crap I I think I mean you must be right and I can see that and at the same time there's a part of me that wonders about like how much of that is because of the way that you view the world that if there's love there's gonna be taking away of love eventually hmm right like I see that same dynamic of like when you look at Twitter like this is gonna be temporary the gravy train is gonna stop at some point and they're gonna abandon me yeah yeah you you don't know how hot in the head you are with that my community will tell you as well because when I first arrived I went from in three months I ended up with like 300 thousand followers um the first three months like I went viral and it was scary but I didn't get used to it everyone's like you're a big thing now is like no I'm not I'm viral everyone's gonna go on to the next thing in a few days and everything will go back to 20 viewers again and I just did not believe it and I kept saying that any minute now any minute now for like a year I was like any minute now they're all gonna go and they stayed and I've been like what like this has been like brain scram so I've not I've I'd never understood it yes and this is this is gonna sound crazy but like I think twitch like this is gonna sound [ __ ] weird I think twitch is teaching you how to love yourself right because like this is exactly what happens to someone who's been in an abusive relationship after abusive relationship after abuse is a relationship after abusive relationship is they meet someone who's actually nice and they're like what the [ __ ] is going on yeah yeah it's like why haven't they abandoned me like what is this I didn't I don't this is not how things work people get interested me in me for a time and then they start throwing rocks like we're and then the longer they stay the more confusing it gets yeah and it's just bewildering because you weren't taught how this works you weren't taught that you can have intrinsic value and that people can come around and hang around because they like you for you are that's it yeah yeah and that that is something but I I've been genuinely confused by and sometimes people have like donated thousands of pounds or they have you know they've they've been following me for like ninety months and I'm like why are you still here like and I'm confused and I will openly express it I haven't quite learnt how to come to terms with it yet because it is it direct see it confronts something I don't know how to process yeah so let me I'll leave you with this to think about and then we'll see I mean if you have other questions and stuff but I want you to entertain a crazy idea okay I want you to entertain that people can see value and you without you giving anything to them I want you to entertain the idea that sometimes you're a rabbit but you don't have to give anything in return and that people will just appreciate you for being you and that you don't have to adopt or save animals or other things to be like valued in life that you can have and it sounds crazy just intrinsic value not extrinsic value but just intrinsic value that just by virtue of who you are you have earth and that you don't need to do anything to be worth something yeah that makes so much sense if I picture applying to somebody else that's the weird thing like that's that's immediately when you're describing that it's easier to remember and understand those words if I'm picturing us describing someone other than me which kind of emphasizes yes I think you're very much on to something yeah right and so I think you've got to explore that and I think it's it literally Anita it starts with little things like it starts like I mean when you say people don't say nothing on your walls like so get yourself something for yourself yeah like do you have a bathtub I do do you have bubble baths no do you have things do you ever use the bathtub and enjoy being in a bathtub with like bubble baths or other kinds of bath bombs or whatnot no I don't do that yeah so I think you should try like I think you should start start with Patty and worthless indulgences because you're worth it thank you any last thoughts or questions no I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you do I think that honestly I've watched a bit of your work before here on the channel and I think the beauty of it is that a lot of what's being described as very normal human problems and a lot of people in chat can definitely relate to it you're helping people process themselves and the people around them and contextualize behaviour that they've seen or experiencing that they don't really understand yet and I see that fitting for place fitting into place for people in chat people who've seen your work I've heard them talk about just in the brief periods that they've dipped in it just transforming things for them and I think what you're doing is beautiful I thank you ever so much for bringing this to the platform because it's definitely what's needed and yeah I know that this is gonna keep growing and it's beautiful well I am you're very welcome and I greatly appreciate your positive sentiment it's part of what keeps us growing and I could say that I'm gonna say the same thing right back at you because I think you to bring a lot of positivity and we'll submiss like I'm not too familiar with too many twitch streamers but I think it's awesome how you engage in conversations or on mental health I think it's awesome how you try to be a positive person I mean I know we've been trying to get you to not be a positive person for less I really do think it's great that you you do try to make the world a better place and and the world really does benefit from people like you I mean if we had a you know 100 people like you 10,000 people would be better off I think the only thing that I'll return to is that this goes for everyone else out there too is that you don't you should absolutely make the world a better place but I don't believe it has to come at the cost of yourself I don't think that's fair but I you know I think what you do is awesome and I think that you're educating people around Tourette's and mental health and like teaching acceptance and and all that kind of stuff we're completely behind you Anita do you do you want to meditate sure I teach people how to meditate let me just think about what oh man I do you have anything you must indulge in some ways right do you have junk food at home I buy treats put them in a box and I'm feel good that I have them there and then don't eat them okay so do you have any treats at home right now go get one yeah go get one okay I'm gonna turn the camera off real quick sure go get it okay now yep so you guys should try this too yep cameras off okay so we're gonna do for Mental Health Awareness Month we're gonna do treat eating stream so if you guys have some kind of junk food or something go get it right shouldn't be shouldn't be a big ask for for most of our audience and if you guys eat too much junk food you can also get something go get something healthy to eat as well go get whichever thing you get less you eat less often okay okay so should be back now okay so we I'm gonna let's give people like 30 seconds to go get their own food okay what did you get I got some white chocolate awesome it's unopened mm-hmm see that's the crime yeah I've had it for ages is it expired are you gonna get sick no no it's not expired it's fine okay so let's get started so I want you to start and eat it by sitting up straight closing your eyes and I'm gonna ask you to think out loud a little bit okay so when you think about eating the chocolate what comes up in your mind mm-hmm I can already taste it okay mmm and does any kind of emotion come up uh kind of like relief I guess okay okay so what keeps you from eating it if you can taste it and eating it brings you relief what keeps you from me to eating it what do you think I feel like I should be doing other things mm-hmm okay do you feel like you should be doing two other things now no no after I check okay so the first okay so now well so let's just zero in on that right so let's zero in on the acknowledgement that the reason it has been left it it is left uneaten so far is because you feel like you should have been doing other things and let's also notice that for some reason and let's not be jump to conclusions that feeling doesn't appear to exist within you right now hmm right so now I want you to open the chocolate okay and then take off a piece is it like a big it looks like I'm just looking at it it seems yeah perfect okay so close your eyes okay think about eating it for a second does any kind of lessons to come up taste like your mother sorry it does it wait but this is it bread does it does anything come up for you no okay so let's just notice for a moment that as her mind becomes less occupied that takes in grease so that's movable so now go ahead and take a bite of your chocolate just notice how it tastes and tell us how you feed pretty damn good but shouldn't you be doing something else like this ok now the feelings coming back how do I push it away again what is the feeling don't push it away um gilts ok so shame eyes opened guilt and shame came close the eyes notice the guilt and shame give them don't try to run away from them give them your fullest attention what do you feel like I shouldn't be doing this okay so where is that sensation that I shouldn't be doing this hmm I feel it like a squeeze Wow I squeezed them my chest or okay I feel like I should okay so you feel squeezed and the pressure in your chest so I want you to do is take a deep breath in feel that squeeze expand and then relax and let it squeeze you let it squeeze let it contract your chest down and now breathe into it and then let it squeeze and then a third time feel it expand that squeeze enos and then let the squeeze contract back down let it deflate and now continue your normal breathing and notice what's happening in the sensation within you I feel like it is receding okay I feel I feel like I feel like I feel like even just acknowledging that it helps me mm-hmm to kind of shut it down like it feels less powerful when I actually facing it good yeah so we're gonna go to level 2 take another bite and anticipate let yourself recognize that that guilt eyes closed it's gonna get stronger with your eyes open let yourself let it come in right recognize that there's a part of you that is guilty and ashamed and that that part of you that negative part of you deserves a seat at the table you don't all have to be a wonderful person you're allowed to be a negative person - you're allowed to have negative feelings we don't want them we don't want you to run away from them that thing is not hideous right there they're your whole life you've been taught that there are parts of you that are hideous that needs to change what's happening to it so I'm just letting it be there it kind of feels like an edge like I'm like okay now you're done put it away now like drop off the chocolate put it away they're like that's my media edge good good so notice that part of you right and then tell that part of you that you're gonna take a third piece of chocolate and what you're going to do is this third piece of chocolate you're not gonna necessarily push the negativity away but you're also going to let yourself taste that third piece of chocolate and just enjoy it as much as you can okay it gets to bark but you don't have to respond to it right you're not telling it to be quiet but you're also not giving into it so the third piece I want you to try to really enjoy like really taste it pay attention to your mouth pay attention to the sensation of it pay attention to the way that it melts pay attention to the flavor the sweetness the enjoyment we don't want to push away the thus queasiness you can breathe into it if you want to but really try to just enjoy the chocolate like so it looks like it's a good [ __ ] chocolate white chocolate delicious mm-hmm and just be like yeah this is great the last question I'm going to ask you you don't have to answer this the right way you can answer it the wrong way is is it okay for you to do this is it okay for you to enjoy is it okay for you to not donate that chocolate to a homeless person stop reading my mind is it is it okay to feel both answers yes that's the right answer actually right because I have a Wow I have Wow I have well I have well I have the mental answer and I guess the emotional answer and they're both yep good so so now now we're gonna come to a close with this practice so just sit with both of those answers and see if you can find any emotional answer that resonates with your rational answer right can do you find any enjoyment within yourself yeah so so notice that too right we don't necessarily want logic versus emotion we want emotion versus emotion we want you to recognize that there's a part of you that enjoys this experience and there's a part of you that doesn't enjoy this experience yeah that actually the emotion that you feel is a judgment for the enjoyment so that's actually more of a rational process than I think you give it credit for yeah so there's emotion versus an emotion and then there's rational thought versus rational thought judgment versus yeah of course it's okay for you to enjoy something and then down here there's a sense of tightness and there's also a sense of like enjoyment or pleasure yeah and and either you must do this okay so you pick whatever it is whether it's buying something for yourself and and understand that one day you may adopt a child or maybe you'll adopt half a dozen because why adopt one when you can save six people like yeah and then understand that one of the most important things that you can teach those children is how to appreciate who they are and how to derive enjoyment from life yeah right and how are you going to teach them that unless you know it it's very so do something for yourself and do like you're gonna notice it's like I don't know if you go to the grocery store because of covet or whatever but you're gonna have a chance to indulge yourself and then you're gonna rebel against it but but support that part of you that bought the chocolate that's the one that we want right because in that moment a you know it's like yeah I'm gonna get me some chocolate it's a support that part of you cuz that that part of you deserves a seat at the table too and and spend some time painting and notice how you feel about yourself and even if you can't delude yourself or trick yourself into doing it for yourself you can trick yourself into doing it by telling you that you're actually doing it for the child that you're gonna adopt one day yeah right but do this and for people who are at home if you guys are way too indulgent you can do the same exercise with something that is not good I mean that is good for you that you don't enjoy and just pay attention to what happens in yourself but anyway thoughts or questions before we wrap up and eat it know this has been really great thank you for everything yeah it's been an absolute pleasure to talk to someone who is just so aware of their internal environment and and it's been awesome and I think you're just an amazing person it's been a blast talking to you if you want to talk again we can dig into why the [ __ ] this whole relationship thing and what you're afraid of there that's a whole other can of worms but I mean I'd love to help you understand that you deserve to be loved and committed to by a particular person you know like you deserve that too like you deserve to be put first by someone I yeah thank you yeah anyway so it was awesome thank you very much and stay safe you too have a great evening adios oh yeah okay we did meditation okay our so let's think about okay so guys a couple of week app so first of all so I need is amazing and let's remember I want you guys to be careful right because Anita is so positive but like that comes at the cost of herself and that's not something that we want right like we want her to like you know it's just not fair it's not fair that she should sacrifice her own happiness or own wants for the sake of other people is it noble absolutely is it good absolutely is it fair No right so like let's remember that the way the world works is we sacrifice for others and others sacrifice for us that's how the Ottoman Turks so I think that it's amazing what she wants to do but then like we should and she's doing a good job and I think apparently twitch at and has taught her this is taught her how to receive right which is amazing like let's just let's not forget that that's that's awesome that you guys like think about this everyone thinks tweet chat is toxic but y'all aren't toxic right you can be toxic and this comes back to Anita saying can I feel both of them at the same time absolutely there's a toxic [ __ ] in you and there is a wonderful wholesome person in you there's AoE healing and there's AoE damage right that we are both things that she can love her mom and respect her mom and be grateful for her mom and also resent her mom for being incapable right that's what kids do kids blame adults for all kinds of irrational [ __ ] that's how kids operate that's why they're kids they're like we're daddy like why does the Sun have to go down I don't want to go to sleep why can't the Sun stay up forever [ __ ] you dad like that's what kids do but I don't get any of that from her and it's okay to be it's it's there's a difference between being rationally upset with someone and being irrationally upset with someone and like it's okay to be irrationally upset with someone that's what most of being upset is it's irrational it's not logical right so it does have to make sense and you don't have to dismiss it you're allowed to feel the way that you you do even if it's completely incompetent now should you let it dictate all of your actions no but I think this is where I needa gets into trouble is she does let it dictate her actions right she lets the relentless positivity dictator actions she lets the fundamental premise that she is worth worth less than other people dictate her actions and it looks so beautiful on the outside but it's not fair to her right and what's awesome is that twitch at his his talker this like you guys get this you guys got her hat like you guys got her there probably a therapist to his life changing has something to do with it let's be fair but when it comes to people who subscribe to her stuck around or you know sub for like 21 months or whatever like you guys sent her signals that were contrary to her worldview which is that people leave and that people don't have value order that she doesn't have value and and that's amazing so I believe in the the healing power of twitch at and also the absolute toxicity of twitch chat' I know you guys are capable of both that's why I make it makes it fun so listen this has been fantastic I you know it was so interesting because when I when I talked to people who are so capable and so awesome I always struggle with the sense of like whether I can help them in some way not that I need to right but like Anita has come so far but I want her to see that take that next step right I really want her to and and oh wow I needed a thousand dollars Wow thank you very much Anita and yeah I mean I think like this is what we've got to do so this is what we want to do right so this is what we're doing right now is we are we are doing Mental Health Awareness Month and we're gonna help people in the way that we're gonna help people is through our recovery coaching program and what I'm trying to do is teach people to like talk to you guys and help you like figure out what is holding you back because this is crazy and just think about this for a second right I need is such an amazing person and yet she is still holding herself back the way that she's holding herself back is like oh do you guys hear that when I asked her like have you thought about having kids and she has this whole like rational justified response that is in response to something that she feels like I can't have children like there are thousand questions that I want to ask her and at the top of the list is one that I think is incredibly hurtful but I think she's got to explore which is was she'll an unwanted child like what's going on with like her being an unwanted like where does the worst come from it infuriates me that she has to feel that way that she feels that way about herself it's not fair she shouldn't need to feel that way you know I don't know that we can do this but we're gonna try so we're gonna try to train coaches or we have trained coaches and we are actually pretty good I'm understating things so we collected data for eight weeks and we saw that the coaches can actually help people so we're gonna do this right because here's the problem here's what healthy gamer is about she asked me why did I start streaming so I'll tell you guys and this is why we're trying to raise money so if you guys subscribe or donate or whatever like thank you very much this is this is what we're about so two years ago I posted on reddit I said I'm a psychiatrist who's interested in video game addiction ask me anything post hit the front page a lot of great responses and then people started reaching out to me and I was like oh [ __ ] people think like oh this isn't that wonderful that oh like oh you a famous full heart oh my goodness front page oh it's so wonderful I was actually terrified my response was abject terror because what I heard from people over and over and over again is like help me and then I said I can't and then the next person said help me and I said I can't and the next person said help me and I said I can't and that happened like literally a couple of thousand times and then I was like oh [ __ ] there is a huge problem out there and like no one knows amidst ovid going on I want you guys to think about this for a second okay when Kove it happened we tweeted out we said how are you guys dealing with kovat and the response that we got is that it's actually not that bad it's not very different from my regular life and so my first thought was oh that's pretty cool like people are more adaptive towards you know Kovan because they're gamers but then another part of me like jumped up and thought something really horrible the rest of the world is falling apart because they're quarantined and we live like this every single day that Kovac quarantine is a way of life for our generation that is [ __ ] up just think about that for a second it's not that we're more like the fact that we're adapted to Cove it is [ __ ] terrifying right that there's a growing population of people who lives like this day in a day out the rest of the world is [ __ ] falling apart and we're like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you guys just stay at home oh you can't get your nails did like who the [ __ ] cares right but there's a generation of people who lives in quarantine their whole life we heard it from Anita she was a agoraphobic for years right the world is a dangerous place we don't want to live out there and what I heard from people was even more disturbing was that I I went out and I saw a psychiatrist I saw a therapist because that's what everyone says like oh you're you're [ __ ] up go see you psychotics you're ill you have depression it's an illness right it's an illness it's not your fault man it's an illness it's just something's wrong with you like your neuro chemistry's [ __ ] up man it's not your fault you're just something's broken in your brain go and get that fixed and then you'll be fine and they do that they go and they see a psychiatrist psychiatrist talks to them for 45 minutes says yeah you have depression because they check their DSM checklist right we have a checklist of things that okay if you meet five out of nine criteria you have depression sleep change an interest guilt lower energy level concentration appetite sluggish and suicidality if you have five out of nine of those you're depressed and then they give them a pill and they gamer reject lifelong quarantine er goes home and he takes his pill and he says huh I'm fixed I'm cured and then they log on and they play video games and then the next day I'm cured I'm gonna take my pill take their pill every single day and they continue playing their games in changes in their life and then these [ __ ] reach out to me they're like can you help me because you seem to understand something that these other people are saying I'm like oh [ __ ] why did I start streaming on Twitch it's because of oh [ __ ] it's because when Anita was at the meat market as a child she saw a rabbit that was in a cage that was gonna get butchered so she tried to do something about it y'all are my rabbit right I see the rest of the world not doing for us what we need I see a mental health system that is too old the average age of a psychiatrist in America is like 55 too old too slow how long does it take to get an appointment Oh three months do you have three months to waste in a sense yes because you guys aren't [ __ ] doing anything but in a sense no because if you're like a sophomore in college and you get FS for three months your academic career is ruined and it's too expensive right how much does I mean my hourly rate is astronomical and I see a lot of people for free and that's why I urge an astronomical rate but it's expensive health insurance is expensive depending on where you live wait times are super long they'll see you for 12 sessions we've heard horror stories who was it Ingrid a couple of weeks ago for like one week ago told us the story of how she went to see a psychiatrist she was waiting for 45 minutes into her appointment the guy talks to her for five minutes says I can't help you and sends her out the door like what the [ __ ] the mental health system is not meeting our needs right now and it's so much more than just mental illness right there are like so many problems like we don't have forward momentum we we rack up tens of thousands of dollars of debt for jobs that pay us twenty five thousand dollars a year like something is [ __ ] up and and you know I don't I don't necessarily think it's our fault and so what am I gonna do about it what am I gonna do about it right that's the question like what am I gonna do this is what I'm gonna do I'm gonna start streaming on Twitch and then the number of people that ask me for help increased now we get thousands per month asking for help so what the [ __ ] like what am I going to do about that I'm just gonna say like oh I'm sorry I can't help you I only have 24 hours in today that's what I did for a while then I felt bad about myself I was like I have to do something like I can't just say no I'm sorry I can't help you I've got to do something so it's like okay so we're gonna start training people and like can I teach people to help other people that's where our coaching program was born because I don't think that streaming is enough like I know that AoE healing is awesome and I believe that people get healed but it's not enough right we got to do something about it and so this is where our coaching program is born this is why we have a discord this is why we have a community I found out recently this is amazing so I didn't do any of this or mods on discord they deserve a lot of props too so there's like a cleaning hour where people log on to our discord and they cleaned together for an hour we talked about our emotions we talked about our feelings we talked about all this kind of stuff there's a coding workshop there's a book club because here's the thing the world is not gonna help us right we've learned that like it's not gonna help us like the world is not filled with people like Anita if the world was filled with people I can either you guys one need to do [ __ ] because you could sit around and do give life the 10% that you give it right now and Anita will step in and give you guys 90% and y'all will be fine but the truth is that they're not going to give you 90% I can't give you 90% I can give you 20% I can give you 30% it's not fair it's fair it's not fair that it's 50/50 it's sad but we're gonna do it and you've got to do it too so you've got to step up you've got to take the time to get help right so that's why we're doing the coaching program and we have way more people that want to be coached then we have capacity right now so we're gonna train more people we've we've had thousands of people who want coaching and not all of them can pay so we're gonna try to make it affordable and that's why we're doing the stream because some of y'all are broke which is fine and we don't want to be an organization that turns people away due to a new probably will because we'd go under in a moment but you know what that's why we're trying to do stuff like this that you know I try to I mean our retreat in 2019 was free I don't know that we can do that again because the retreat may be way bigger this time I don't know when we're gonna do a retreat but it's one of our stretch goals I have you want to do when my whole [ __ ] team is like you can't do this dr. K you can't open your doors to the internet because you don't know who's gonna show up but there's a part of me the troll inside of me is like yes you can yes you can you can do something absolutely crazy because that's what streaming on Twitch is all of my colleagues who are psychiatrist said oh you can't do this you're gonna get sued so I hired some very expensive lawyers and they wrote me a lot of disclaimers and then we'll see so that's what we're doing it's mental health awareness month so become aware of your mental health show up here we're gonna be doing some fun stuff we're gonna be doing some educational stuff probably a balance of both right so we're gonna do a lot of fun stuff and we make maybe you guys will get learnt learn something maybe you guys will be healed in some way and you know that's the goal and then if you guys really want to yeah join in and all of your donations and subscriptions and stuff really help I I'm by the way I actually should just express my gratitude there because people like Anita and Lilly Pichu and all of you guys who've been to donating and supporting us I just want to say like a genuine thank you because I was funding this [ __ ] out of my pocket now like I can start contributing to my retirement and my kids college funds and things like that so thank you guys very much because it's great because now I don't it's so awesome to not have to worry about paying my bills at the end of the month because I'm streaming instead of seeing patients and I'm really really grateful for that and I want to do more but I realized also that like I can't do it alone right I can't fund everything by myself so that's why I'm just eternally grateful for like every little bit that you guys give I know it doesn't seem like a lot but no snowflake believes it's responsible for the Avalanche but we're all a bunch of [ __ ] special snowflakes right so let's make a [ __ ] Avalanche and live like let's make a difference let's support each other let's help each other out and let's try to make the world a slightly better place and let's game while we're doing it okay so I love you guys avalanche PAH grab solutely you guys get that AOA Healing is an avalanche right one snowflake is not AoE an avalanche is AoE snowflakes its AoE that's what's so great about it all right okay so we're gonna raid let's raid so I think okay so you guys want to raid we're gonna do an exercise stream or hold on one second the wife hello yeah okay all right all right exercise stream what do you guys think yeah let's let's write Anita right so let's send Anita some love because she you know and then yeah so what we're gonna do is so I've been told can I let you guys guys in on a little a secret so sometimes apparently when I ask for money then what happens immediately is I raid someone else and so I've been told for my team that when I am when I'm asking for money I should give you guys time to donate before I sent you got so laying on the street oh I'm so bad at this oh god I need so much Boober Boober boomer okay so this is what I'll ask give you guys if y'all are gonna subscribe or donate or whatever like please go ahead and do that and then let's rate Anita because we right now have almost 10,000 viewers and she has only 1,500 so let's blow the [ __ ] up out of her stream and send her some positivity and and send her some AoE healing and like break like not give her [ __ ] psyche a chance to recognize we're just gonna send her such a gigantic mother lode of avalanche snowflake love affection and value that we don't want her fragile psyche which believes that she doesn't have value to be able to withstand it right let's just crit heal the [ __ ] out of Anita and just crit heal it and crit heal it and fit heal it doesn't matter how just just [ __ ] heel and and send her some love and hopefully you guys learn something from it and you guys are still subscribing so I'm confused cuz I can trade ok subscribe next time my people are gonna crucify me but you guys don't subscribe we're gonna we're gonna end it or donate or whatever in five seconds it'll be too late and we're gonna lose out on money but who the [ __ ] cares because right now there are a lot of people and y'all are positive so let's go do something with it instead of milking you for money go send people send love do it be a good person and clean your room and exercise and like reflect about yourself and recognize that you do have value don't [ __ ] lose that right send her some love because oh yeah you guys see us are doing the same [ __ ] thing where she's like yeah I can see that other people have value but I don't have value myself you don't do it yourself don't just get away with sending her love without sending some back this way right self love self love phone folks okay we're we're we're out we're gonna raid so if you guys didn't subscribe or donate or whatever no big deal we'll be streaming on Wednesday and thank you guys very much fit heal Anita crit heal the [ __ ] out of her thank you guys very much you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 937,210

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, sweet anita, sweet anita twitch, streamer sweet anita, self love, self care

Id: 5BIuINM96Q8

Length: 128min 30sec (7710 seconds)

Published: Tue May 05 2020