(audience clapping)
- The first guy I'd like to introduce to you,
who I think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this. You know someone like
this in your own family or where you work. Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter. Walter. Walter.
(audience cheering) ♪ Do your ears hang low ♪ - You look good. - No, I don't. - That's enough. - Gouda. Gouda. Who the hell cares? Nobody does. (audience clapping) (Walter fake laughing)
(audience laughing) - You know, you don't have to do this. - Yeah, I could get a real job. - What would you do? - I wanna be a greeter at Walmart. (audience laughing) What the hell's so funny? - At Walmart? What would
be your opening line? - Welcome to Walmart. Get
your (beep) and get out! (audience clapping & cheering) Have a nice day. - Anything else wrong? - I don't know. My wife and I couldn't
find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint, and some jerk pulled up
in a brand new Mercedes, goes right in a handicapped spot. He got outta the car and
there's nothin' wrong with him. Don't you hate that? - [Audience] Yeah! - So I ran his (beep) over.
(audience laughing & clapping) I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me. (audience groaning) Took her out with the door. - What's wrong with you tonight? - I don't know, I'm just pissed. I don't wanna go home. - Why not? - I think my house is haunted. - Why do you think that? - My wife is there.
(audience laughing) I walk in the front door and
all I hear is, "Get out." - You guys got in another argument on the phone today, didn't ya? - Oh, you heard a little
bit of that, did you? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I hung up on her. - Not good.
- No, she called right back. She goes, "Did you hang up on me?" I said, I don't know, did it
sound somethin' like this? Click.
(audience cheering & clapping) - Did that make her angry? - Oh, I felt a disturbance in the force. - You ever made her that mad when you're standin'
right in front of her? - Oh, yeah.
- What'd you do? - Well, my mother always told me, when you're in a jam and
don't know what to do, you should think, what would Jesus do. So I tried to turn her into a fish. (audience laughing) You know what scares me now? - What?
- Medical websites where you enter your symptoms and it
tells you what you have. - Are you sick?
- I think so. - What d'ya have? - I've pretty much narrowed it down to a uterus infection or mesothelioma. - Mesothelioma? You
get that from asbestos. - That's what peanut is made out of. - What are ya, sniffing peanut? - It's lonely on the road, Jeff. (audience laughing & clapping) Holy crap! Will you shut the hell up? You too. - Are you all right?
- No! - What's wrong? - I'm pissed. - Why?
- I have no idea. - Have you ever thought about bein' happy? - Yeah.
- What happened? - Pissed me off. (audience laughing) - What would happen if you were happy? - Your show would suck.
(audience laughing) - You know, Walter, just once I think you
should try being happy. - You're an idiot. What the hell is wrong with you? When I call you an idiot and you smile like I gave you cake. (audience laughing) - Do you wanna be in a good mood? - Not if I'd look like a
moron like you. No, thank you. I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, oh, hello, how
are you? (chuckling) - So?
- That makes mothers hide their children from you. - You don't think I should
be nice to strangers. - You know, even dogs sniff (beep) first. (audience laughing and clapping) Maybe you should try that. - So your wife's in town? - Oh, yeah. - She havin' a good time? - She always has a good time.
- Good. - Pisses me off. - She's a lovely lady. - She's gettin' old. - Well, women age like fine wine. - She's aging like milk.
(audience laughing) - Did you guys get in another
argument this morning? - Yep.
- What happened? - I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped
on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over.
(audience clapping) - Never heard it put
quite that way, before. - Oh, it even has a sound. It goes nag-de-nag, nag,
nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. (audience cheering) - [Narrator] Silence! I kill you! (lively percussion music)
