Jeff Dunham - Marriage is like Alcatraz

typical stand-up comedian that I have to have help I have a friend up here I think already does enjoy this guy because everyone knows someone like this you know something like this in your own family or where you work please help me welcome Walter good evening Walter I shut the hell up you know where we are yeah I know where we are I don't give a damn either want to get the hell out of here we're doing to go who the hell cares I don't but you like it here in Montreal none Claire bon jour whatever the hell that means but you don't like you do like Montreal yeah a lot of drinking going on here yeah yeah Budweiser is considered a soda yeah I was at a bar last night sitting next to a guy he put away 15 beers before he started acting like a jerk he didn't try and keep up with him did yet come on man I'm an American I don't need beer to act like a jerk shut the hell up you don't want to stay already want to go I don't care haven't worried went last weekend no I don't want to talk about that it's very nice Walter and his wife went on their second honeymoon yeah like eating a piece of gum you already chewed see they know what I'm talking about Walter understand your wife's in town yeah she's in town super having a good time old she always has a good time pisses me off you've been married what 46 years that's right remember the happiest moment of your life yeah I was 47 years ago well do you seem a little extra grumpy hey I don't know what it is maybe too much more in too much bran that should make you rake in the regular hell I'm about three years ahead of schedule come on 46 years of marriage what does that done for you look at my face Walter you make fun of your wife a lot you know she could be gone for good one day he stopped teasing me you ever cheated on her hell no damn it you know alter marriage is supposed to be forever oh it's taken too damn long so I take it there's been a little bit of arguing a little bit what do you argue about she doesn't like it because I never put the toilet seat back down what do you tell her learn to hover what else does she not like I don't know always pick my nose and I'm driving that's a man's right dang blasted why do you pick your nose when you're driving because my ass is too hard to reach Walter marry marriage is supposed to be an institution yeah like Alcatraz you can't compare marriage to prison yeah I guess you're right the warden doesn't max out your credit cards so that happens she plied some of those useless crap you know what she got me the other day what some of that spray-on hair stuff did you use it on our Chihuahua turn it into a shih tzu Walter do you think about getting old I don't worry about it I still think I want to go like my uncle Ned how is that peacefully and in his sleep unlike the passengers in his car sit down down sit the hell down dammit do you have a ticket and then the union engineer 300 million sperm that's the one that got through right the wheel is turning that the hamsters dead look well did you have kids yeah I got kids whether they give you for Father's Day card said I wasn't really their father that's awful no that's what I asked for yeah nice stupid tion you know what he wanted to get me what a tattoo did you get one no what if you had oh I would have gotten a beautiful womans face where would you put it on my wife's face yeah my wife's company would look on reincarnation do you believe in reincarnation yeah I don't think so well if it happens who did you come back hands what would you do I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone Walter how's your love life meaning sex yeah none none none I thought making love got better with age hang on to that marina pal well do bald men make better lovers I don't know I never made love to a bald man okay the hell is wrong with you stop looking at me like that sir Walter what's the difference between just sex and making love 50 bucks look I don't mean to get personal but how many how many times a week of you and your wife make love times a week I have to use a decimal to answer this one well do you just seem like a spry kind of guy I mean what keeps you hopping hemorrhoids oh so it your age hemorrhoids are a problem no they're a hobby what do you think look Walter what do you think about when you're making love staying awake oh look that guy's wife just poked him I was in the airport those treadmills they've got a huge because Americans are always saying things that there's not that much proof for years say things like we're number one

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 5,118,865

Keywords: Just for Laughs, JFL, Stand Up Comedy, Stand-up, Stand up, Comedy, Funny, Comedian, Montreal, Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, jeff, dunham, Jeff Dunham (Musical Artist), jeff dunham, dunham jeff, jeff dunham full, jeff dunham standup, jeff dunham stand up, jeff dunham comedy, jeff dunham comedian, jeff dunham youtube, youtube jeff dunham, comedian jeff dunham, comedy jeff dunham, stand up jeff dunham, standup jeff dunham, achmed the dead terrorist, Jeff Dunham Marriage is like Alcatraz

Id: lOSQvNDIGaU

Length: 7min 47sec (467 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 21 2015