36 Minutes of Jeff Dunham & Friends

this town is too freaking bizarre for me why'd he say that on my way in here tonight I saw Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard why would Aquaman be on Hollywood Boulevard well there's a crowd I guess he's homeless [Applause] you know Walter there are a lot of things to like about Los Angeles like what traffic from hell highest gas prices in the country wildfires mudslides and earthquakes yay I love it here [Applause] you ever been in an earthquake uh does not like falling off of the couch count ER admit already well do you know what it's like to wake up and discover that your life of 45 years is left and is it coming back no I don't yeah me neither that I can dream can I is it really that bad yes the other day uh the Lord's birthday she started yelling at me tomorrow I better see a diamond oh a diamond what'd you do I took her to a baseball game so does your wife like Hollywood and she thinks it's crazy how many folks in this town get plastic surgery oh she wouldn't do that why why not come on putting new headlights on a mini van doesn't make it of course that [Applause] you guys know what I'm talking about and the women who get those fake giant hoo-has they don't want you to miss them either how's that did you look those women in the eye when you're talking to them they got all pissed off and they go hey my boobs are down here I bet your wife likes at least a few things in La like what I don't know the Kardashians are filmed here [Applause] I'm sorry I threw up in my mouth a little foreign she's kind of hot [Applause] did I miss something yeah I think so how are you laughing Walter that's Caitlyn Caitlyn oh Bruce has a sister that's so funny what is she available I don't know like what does your wife watch on TV I don't care are you guys Happy look at me well you still love her yeah of course they're like most marriages we hadn't been through some difficult times sure but we stayed together because of the children oh you say your your children saved your marriage [Music] well admittedly a good marriage can be hard work yeah I know I don't know okay yeah we go until marriage therapist one time just once it was a therapist you didn't like the therapist oh no he seemed like a good guy that after listening to my wife talk for 10 minutes he jumped out the window seriously absolutely and if it wasn't for the leash around my nuts how to follow the guy look well turn over a fact that you love your family you still love your wife and I think that even at this age every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife good Lord like how I don't know do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language like in French some women love that I call her a French name now and then pedals on the floor for me oh into the bedroom right out the front door [Applause] you know there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together like where top of the Empire State Building oh no we tried that a security guard took one look at her and went oh King Kong see just like like you've been married for over 45 years have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted oh yeah Leah marry me I love you like that come on when your wife is in a romantic mood you ever think about taking one of those little pills cyanide oh yeah I do actually come on what is what is it put on she's feeling frisky at bedtime night vision goggles then she sneaks around the house and hunts down there's scary stuff my friends who was the last time you even put your arms around your wife a couple of the league is going she's choking on a piece of steak you see there he gave her the Heimlich yeah I know I was drunk I don't know what I was thinking so close oh no every time we watch a movie she falls asleep then the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home have you done anything fun in town here this week you know I don't like getting out oh you're a little bit of a hypochondriac you want to wear one of those paper masks lice paper he can't stop anything I mean hell the Constitution is tapering this nether stopped our current Administration just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight foreign you're not exactly happy with our government right now are you kidding me Congress is approval rating is at 12 jock itch has a higher rating than that so you're paying attention to the presidential candidates oh yeah how would you feel about a female president oh see just whoever it is menopause what I was there when my wife went through it she could have been president then holy [Applause] I'm sorry [Applause] you realize you just defended about half the room here and the other half is trying not to look at their wives he's going yeah he's got a point so you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately oh he hadn't he getting on Facebook what you get on Facebook yeah what do you do on Facebook I like getting on there and defriending everybody possible why just another wonder what the hell they did wrong funny as hell that's not nice I know it was nice it wouldn't be funny as hell I didn't actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without befriending him how's that oh an old buddy line posted that his wife died oh I clicked like I posted line still alive sad face so you're getting into social networking yeah a little bit you know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves on their phones and then texting to each other what the hell when I was young and dating my wife I never thought she's so beautiful hanging a merrier the first I'm going to send her this picture like balls [Applause] yeah what people ask me all the time if my show is family friendly what am I supposed to say now it depends on your family well since you've gone there do you and your wife have a decent love life oh she does things to mix it up now man really yeah she bought a pair of handcuffs really yeah like I need another reminder that I'm serving a life status foreign just like 50 Shades of old and gray so is there good communication between you two I guess the other night she said you didn't say no but your eyes say yes would you say I have a glaucoma so how's the actual love life it means sex yes it's always doggy style Walter yeah Cheryl's over and plays dead then I just licked myself and go to sleep [Applause] sorry Walter come on good comedies we can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads was a van Gogh yes it was saying I Walter thanks everybody that's all how you doing brother again so what's been going on lately well uh last week I went to another NASCAR race and got hurt hammered drunk again oh no it's the same drunk I just keep extending it yeah if you're not drinking at a NASCAR race you're not at a NASCAR race where are you you're at golf and Bubba J do you drink excessively I don't know what that word means what's the what's the longest you've ever gone without a beer how long have I been out here less than a minute there you go do you know your drinking limits uh daily or lifetime how can you tell someone's lifetime limit on drinking beer well if they die when they're drinking that was a what I meant was do you know how much beer you could have before you've had too much I could have too much beer sure that would be fantastic [Applause] have you ever drank as much as you wanted yeah what happened you looked pretty [Music] can't you have fun without beer yeah but why risk it I don't know would you rather drink beer out of a can a bottle or on tap oh yes yes and yes just remember Bubba J you should never drink alone oh you're not fooling anybody that's why you have us [Applause] so your favorite time to drink is at sporting events uh yeah it's good again do you drink beer every day uh only on like days off oh you don't have a job my favorite holiday to get drunk on is St Patrick's Day oh oh there's all the Germans right I didn't know you were Irish I'm not I also get drunk on Cinco de Mayo and Martin Luther King day and I'm not Mexican or black okay oh sorry sorry what I don't want anybody thinking I'm racist why would anyone think you're racist because I said Mexican and I also said black it's okay to say Mexican and black it is sure why because everybody here is white [Applause] okay to use those words okay well thanks for keeping me real cracker but I gotta do something out in the gut are you gonna start working out uh no I'm gonna get a bigger shirt somebody told me that to stay in shape I should get a trainer that's a good idea I did it you did yeah how's that going pretty good so far I can sit and shake and roll over and then I get a cookie so what else do you know about La uh the bad traffic here reminds me of marriage how's that you're stuck in it because there was an accident [Music] Walter told me to tell that one that's good here's another Little Walter told me you want to hear this no getting married is like your iTunes agreement how's that you'll have no idea what you're saying yes dude but you'll agree just so it'll shut the hell up foreign [Applause] did you see it's a small world is that the one where you're going to date and it turns out she's your cousin and you go oh it's Laurel hey did you know they now sell beer at Disneyland I did know that how old do you have to be to drink beer at Disneyland oh no everything goes by height so you got drunk at Disneyland no I stayed drunk at Disneyland Papa J that's not good I know it was bad at the arcade I like Donald Duck yeah the big one in the suit now he walks a little goofy here in LA last week some guy tried to sell neonat to the Stars oh did you get it no I went duh buddy just look up [Applause] Jay when we're in Southern California are you ever worried about earthquakes no I'm used to it the ground is always moving when you're hammered if it starts suddenly that's going to fall down no it's in Los Angeles can you get Jesus loves kid sorry I screwed up the joke okay [Applause] [Music] wait a minute you screwed up the joke [Applause] the only thing he said what I did you did and then make it your fault my fault my brain hurts now what were you trying to ask no what were you trying to make this scooters of muted I may be done but you're helping me [Applause] all right [Applause] you want to try that joke again huh you want to try the joke again you need them to start sure just just to get it right to redo the whole joke yeah okay okay okay okay oh yeah [Applause] what's my first line hey Mr deal why are we on stage like this all the time this is my job what is this is to stand here and talk to everybody that's right that's your job don't exactly need a college education for this dude well I graduated from college oh now you do this that's right that's a big choice of money wouldn't it you need more education to boil an egg than you do this hey can you boil an egg yeah well there you go you got something to fall back on foreign got to tell you Walter told me I should get on Twitter oh well that doesn't sound as fun does it hey you know what the hardest part is about the internet for me what remember and all the passwords well we'll keep it simple just use the name of someone you love like dog sure what's your dog's name Thug your dog's name is dog actually it's Doug the U is silent it's Italian have you tweeted oh yeah sorry about that [Music] it's a big room I didn't know you know I usually blend it on dog hey somebody told me they saw me on the internet oh have you Googled yourself not in public foreign I can still see so I take it you grew up in a small town yeah version all how small well we didn't have the street light so the hooker stood under a flashlight I called her ever in here you know Walter and I were talking about our government yeah do you pay attention to politics oh yeah pay attention yeah okay can I ask you your opinion on some current issues no yeah let's talk about some things you might be familiar with okay for example Bubba J what is your feeling on gun control oh I know this one oh yeah if drunken seeing double shoot in the middle so what do you think about taxing the one percent oh I don't know I drink whole milk are you familiar with the term No Child Left Behind I think the movie's actually called Home Alone so what do you think about immigration reform is it bad for me to say on kind of on the fence on this one all right what do you think about the clintons my life says I can never find it you know what I heard the other day I heard that some folks get something called a coffee enema I don't know what that is I don't want to know what that is and please don't let it show up on the Ninja at Starbucks on the other hand if you really want to pull an awesome joke when you're standing in line secretly write it on the chalkboard menu then you get to register point to it and say last time I had that one Frozen it gave my butt the shivers I'm gonna open my own coffee place this could be a whole new line of beverages for me the cafe foreign how long you been like this yes sir you're addicted to caffeine is there any way you can get off it I tried a patch that didn't work why I stuck it on my arm took it off my arm rolled it up smoked it yay and then I tried some kind of gum but that didn't work gum because I got it mix up with a condom and that was a big double I blew right there lost a shoe no dude I found one [Applause] it's not funny I hate you I guess I know what we're not gonna see on TV foreign sorry I just kind of got away from me there sorry peanut [Music] stand up come on you're fine close your mouth close your mouth apparently they can understand you and I can't okay can you close your mouth [Music] the ham what the hell oh can't wait to close your mouth oh yeah what the hell yeah what yeah what the hell yeah [Music] all right see what do you do to be honest Ahmed I don't understand why people like you oh that's easy why if folks had to pick between Justin Bieber Kim Kardashian in a dead terrorist I win that contest hands down thank you I kill you thank you I kill you thank you I kill you all right so as a terrorist excuse me I said as a terrorist you think just because I look like this this automatically next near terrorist you just said you were a terrorist no I didn't are you crazy yeah a little bit what Ahmed that's another thing you always say my name incorrectly it's not acne it is it's so frustrating the only folks are getting they need their other Jewish guys and heavy smokers but the best is a Jewish heavy smoker so is there an English equivalent for the name Ahmed yes what's that Larry kill you [Applause] I love this stuff I got named son of a lot in school for that name what school suicide bomber School really and ironically we were in District C4 so how many teachers did you have technically just one but we went through a lot of substitutes and what were the substitutes like a little nervous and I was young yeah that's another thing like why are suicide bombers always young what you want us to use old guys that are already almost dead son of the female goat never thought of that hurry this crap up I have to go make a phone call so Ahmed why do you wear a turbine turban right [Applause] turbine wow the SAT was a wasn't it [Applause] I wear a turd line because it's more powerful than a jet pack hey do you know what Donald Trump and I have in common what's that we never let anyone see the real tops of our heads thank you what is that thing on his head I don't know if you'll ever meet him you should make it talk with a Mexican accent so what do you think of Donald Trump I actually love the guy but you think I'm crazy that guy's bonkers then the Isis guys are like what the hell dude calm down so I understand you flew in today yes on a commercial airline yes no problems like what you you know with the TSA the X-ray machine you idiot for you it's an x-ray for me it's a selfie so are you enjoying your time here oh very much I keep recognized a lot in Hollywood I was out in front of the theater today signing autographs they thought I was an Olsen twin oh screw you that's a funny joke that's what reminds me did you know I have been adding to my career skills lately doing what I am now I'm not just a dead terrorist and they did cyber terrorists a cyber Terrace don't forget to like me on Facebook you know argument maybe for a different line of work you could do something that would help people like what I could answer a suicide hotline I'd be like no no you're fine go ahead you're good so if you're gonna be a cyber terrorist you have a new catchphrase besides I kill you oh yes this is a good one it's going to scare the crap out of you why are they laughing because cyber Terrace makes you sound like a nerd oh being a cyber Terrace is not easy it takes balls not real ones what are you looking at you partner what the hell yes they're gone I lost them in the explosion bye bye balls I found them again yeah balls don't bounce there they are [Applause] and and you kept them dude you don't just throw away your own nuts what the hell would that work hello Salvation Army have I got something for you to do with them oh I didn't like a keychain or something like that I don't know my pillow and wait for the ball Ferry is there such a thing how much could I get from The Ball Ferry it's a matching set in the original rapper oh okay don't ask me how I carry them I have a ball boy all right you don't have them with you no no they're at hole in that junk drawer man what is a cyber terrorist actually do as I said before no more killing you never have killed anyone silence I delete you wait a minute I had to delete someone it's not as easy as you think you'll first have to highlight them backstage cyber terrorist actually does I terrorize Thai computer okay but what do you think the best weapon you have is to make computers not work Windows Vista do you send spam you idiot no pork Oh that was for all my Jewish friends out there yay have you spread any viruses well well for the explosion I had a little itch but it went away if you're a cyber terrorist who's your biggest enemy now the CIA the FBI Siri let's try to search the web for booby traps and she said I found a Dunder of Hooters near you do not Glory I'll never block anything if I don't have my lucky charm which I lost you had a lucky charm yeah what was it I had little camels too the hell are they laughing at what I had a little camel toe you used to look at it all the time I'm not kidding he would rub it for good luck seriously can we sell little fake ones online makes a great stocking stuffer [Applause] you think anybody saw that it's on the floor Kitty you idiot get my freaking arms don't get my arm okay the leg what don't leave me here I'll fall down go with me keep Construction all right fine there it's not fun here foreign [Applause] how would you do that just throw me why not you did peanut can you put it back I think I don't know what's wrong just put it so cute [Music] I think it's good is it okay oops sorry don't touch my leg it's not funny don't touch it I can do this myself no it's not funny stop laughing stop laughing at me it's not funny you know this is all your fault I kill you again what I can do don't touch my land [Applause] I still got it [Applause] father what the hell you want me to yes fix my leg don't touch me you don't have one it's a phantom movie wing his name is Robert unless it's really cold then it's Bob don't make it talk all right it's not funny though okay I think we're good all right so now [Applause] what the hell how can I be naked I feel naked six on this I'm gonna bite you to death it's funny not funny one this one won't stay [Applause] foreign I think so you guys have been absolutely fantastic thank you and good night [Applause]

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 3,168,657

Keywords: comedy, comedians, stand up comedy, comedy central, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, jeff dunham, arguing with myself, bubba j, controlled chaos, all over the map, spark of insanity, just for laughs 2021, stand up comedy reaction, jeff dunham biden, jeff dunham peanut, jeff dunham walter, jeff dunham full show, jeff dunham bubba j, Jeff dunham: controlled chaos, LaughComedyDynamics, Jeff Dunham - Unhinged in Hollywood, LSOLCDS1E063

Id: NnDnZwM8dfU

Length: 36min 31sec (2191 seconds)

Published: Tue May 02 2023