Walter LOVES His Wife: Jeff Dunham

all those years of being married and now it's over yeah so all those years uh raising the girls and now the family's broken up right so no more marriage nope no more wife no what's it like [Applause] oh please let me live vicariously through you walter divorce is not a good thing oh you can't land in the so what happened what happened walter is that unfortunately in our country these days more than 50 of marriages now end in divorce and sadly mine was on that side of things you know jeff i never thought i'd say this to you but you're my hero come on what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life to not think oh here she comes you can leave your toilet seat up all the time i'd hot glue line open for god sakes and then in the backyard [Applause] just because i could walter divorce is painful oh yeah like a deep tissue massage so how long has it been almost three years now whoa okay so you're dating anybody now matter of fact i am oh good female well you other knows sometimes that's the problem honey i got bad news and i got good news bad news is i want a divorce good news is i'm on your team now come on let's knit so this girl you're dating is she the same age as you no oh so she's older no younger yes how much younger doesn't matter because it does come on does she have nice boobs that don't hang down past your knees do your boobs hang low do they wanna do it bro can you tie another knot can you tie an animal you throw them over your shoulder like a complimental soldier do your tits all right where do you hear a song like that i didn't hear it i wrote it down the ass but you never sung it to your wife every morning that's not funny or even the dog laughs at that that last part was me i know well do you make fun of your wife a lot i know it's funny as hell isn't it you know your wife is supposed to be your soul mate you want to be the pot or the kettle [Applause] you know i saw an old photo of you and your wife your wife's quite beautiful he saw an old photo yeah i'm kidding i know i'm married at the cute young beautiful thing yeah she's officially eaten by the woman i live with now [Applause] look walter i know for a fact that you love your family you still love your wife and i think that even at this age every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife good lord like hal i don't know do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language like in french some women love that i call her a french name now and then most cherry quasi lordo so is there romance between you two well not long ago my wife left the trail of the rose petals on the floor for me oh into the bedroom right out the front door you know there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together like where top of the empire state building oh no we tried that a security guard took one look at her and went uh-oh king kong see just like that you've been married for over 45 years have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted oh yeah will you marry me i love you like that come on when your wife is in a romantic mood you ever think about taking one of those little pills cyanide oh yeah i do actually [Applause] come on what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime night vision goggles then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down it is scary stuff my friends when was the last time you even put your arms around your wife called the legion's gun when she was choking on a piece of steak you see there he gave her the heimlich yeah i know i was drunk i don't know what i was thinking i was so close maybe we could do something simple like watching a movie together oh no every time we watch a movie she falls asleep then the next morning i have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home have you done anything fun in town here this week you know i don't like getting out oh you're a little bit of a hypochondriac yeah why don't you wear one of those paper masks why it's taped or you can't stop anything i mean hell the constitution is taper and just never stopped our current administration just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight so i tell you you're not exactly happy with our government right now are you kidding me congress's approval rating is at 12 percent jock itch has a higher rating than that so you're paying attention to the presidential candidates oh yeah how would you feel about a female president oh silently just whoever it is make sure it's after she hits then applause walter what i was there when my wife went through it she had been president then holy crap i'm hot i'm cold i'm sweaty i'm clearly suck you russia watch the missiles can we talk a little bit more about christmas whatever so uh where did you get your wife uh mop well you take the stick out hey it's a wig are you shopping for your wife at the 99-cent store where'd you get your grandson a sponge that's not a toy it is when you convince them that spongebob what did he say to that he said spongebob is not blue with a scour side i said it is when he has an infection keep scrubbing walter what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid oh they're nothing like today what do you mean well you know they got all computer games and all that we didn't have that stuff no no hell we want to play tennis we actually went outside and swung a racket none of that really crap and playing the guitar there were strings not colored buttons hello and there were no shoot-'em-up games we actually went outside and killed the [Applause] oh i like the games when you shoot the aliens oh we shot a lot of foreigners yeah we did that too what walter come on what about people of other religions what the hell am i supposed to do walk around and ask everybody what they are before i say anything to them what you're catholic and you're protestant well merry christmas you're jewish hang on at the moment what are you atheist oh well have a nice day and where do you look [Applause] what was that i don't know i couldn't understand what the hell he said hey get back to me when you learn the language [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 6,797,455

Keywords: comedy, comedians, stand up comedy, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, jeff dunham, arguing with myself, bubba j, controlled chaos, all over the map, spark of insanity, comedy special, just for laughs 2021, stand up comedy reaction, jeff dunham biden, jeff dunham peanut, jeff dunham achmed the dead terrorist, jeff dunham walter, jeff dunham full show, jeff dunham bubba j, Jeff dunham: controlled chaos, LaughComedyDynamics, LSOSCDS9E040

Id: v90fKtK691s

Length: 9min 56sec (596 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 05 2022