-Christmas. -♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪ -Hanukkah. -♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪ -Kwanzaa. -♪ A [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Every single holiday,
a [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪♪ Clear your calendars,
chug that coffee, and wake the kids
because this Friday is Black Friday at Mega-Mart. -Black Friday! -It's the biggest shopping day
of the year, and we're giving you
incredible savings with... -Mega-Mart's 12-minute madness. -This is the shortest,
craziest sale in retail history. You have just 12 minutes
to rush in and grab all the deals
you can carry. It's going to be
a savings stampede! -Savings stampede! -Door-buster specials
like iPads for $39, 3D televisions for $71, and a secret, unpublished
"Harry Potter" novel, "Harry Potter and
the Treacherous Crawl Space," is available for only 6 bucks. And there's only seven left,
so line up early because we're starting
at 4:00 A.M.! -Crack 'a dawn!
[ Rooster crows ] -That's right, coked-up rooster. At 4:00 A.M.,
we will fling our doors open to anybody and everybody, just as soon as we finish
waxing and mopping the floors. -Slide into savings! -All the best deals are located
in the very back of the store down a narrow aisle
packed with merchandise! -Fire hazard! -And to make room
for more customers, we've removed
our security guards. People have already
started camping out in a tailgate sponsored
by Four Loko, America's Premier Hillbilly
and Cholo Fuel. If you show up too late,
you will be humiliated! -I'm ready to do
whatever it takes to get the 12x12 Finished in a Flash
Disney Scrapbooking Kit. I've steeled myself,
my estate's in order, and I've made peace with my God
and those around me, so I will get the 12x12
Finished in a Flash Disney Scrapbooking Kit! Just you wait! Whoo! What a day for shopping! -Your shopping carts can only
be slowed by one thing -- boxes. So everyone in our
Mega-Mart 12-Minute Frenzy will get a free box cutter
at the door! -Free box cutter! -And to keep your energy up,
we've hired DJ Thunderthrust, one of the top death metal
deejays in the tri-state area. He'll be playing music
so loud... -No one can hear you scream. -Finally, we're proud to have 93-year-old actor Kirk Douglas
on hand to sign copies of his book,
"The Ragman's Son." Kirk will be hidden
somewhere in the store, and the first three customers
to find him and touch him will win one free Kindle! -Catch him, touch him, win! -So strap on your combat boots
and start running for Black Friday's
12-Minute Madness at Mega-Mart! This is happening!
[ Laughs ] This is happening! -Get it. Do it. Own it. Mega-Mart. -She's the one who makes
the holidays merry and bright. the perfect gift,
the perfect wrapping, the perfect everything. So, what do you get the woman who makes Christmas
for Christmas? The gift everyone woman desire. A beautiful charm from Pandora. -Oh, it's -- it's one of these. That's -- It's a little coffee cup. -I knew you would. -What?
-Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say you love it? -I do. I love it. -At Pandora charms, we take one
little fact about your wife, and turn it into jewelry. If it's a noun, it's a charm. -[ Gasps ] Aww. Is it a little dress? -Yeah.
I notice you wear dresses. -Oh,
there's a pink ribbon on it. It's for beast cancer? -Oh, yeah. -Pandora charms say the things
you want to tell her the most, like, "I know what job you have, and that job is nurse." Or, "You like drinking." Or, "This is a dog." And once you bought
a Pandora bracelet, you can get her one
of these $60 whatevers for every birthday,
Mother's Day, and anniversary for the rest of
her natural life. -It's a coffee cup.
Greg got it for me. Greg, look.
I'm wearing it. I got Greg a motorcycle. -I got us a threesome. -Wow.
-Wow. -Yeah. -Ooh. -Pandora --
Come back to the mall. [ Bell tingling ] -Everyone knows the story. -Of our Lord and savior
Jesus Christ. -But this is the story... -Of another more powerful
Christmas savior. -♪ The snow's falling down ♪ ♪ It's Christmastime again ♪ ♪ A woman has to get a gift ♪ ♪ For some girl at work
named Jen ♪ -♪ She doesn't know
what Jen likes ♪ ♪ And she doesn't super care ♪ ♪ So she goes inside a closet ♪ ♪ Just to see
what crap's in there ♪ -♪ In the darkness,
there's a light ♪ ♪ Then suddenly she sees
the Christmas savior's ♪ ♪ Here tonight ♪ -♪ It's a candle ♪ ♪ A plain peach candle ♪ ♪ It's been sitting
by a bike for a year ♪ -♪ For a year ♪ -♪ She takes the candle ♪ ♪ Dusts off the candle ♪ ♪ Then wraps it up for Jen
and just says, "Here" ♪ ♪♪ -♪ Then one day after this ♪ ♪ In foggy London town ♪ ♪ Two acquaintances
are having tea ♪ ♪ And one puts a present down ♪ -♪ The other says,
"Wait, what? ♪ ♪ "I mean, I got you
something, too" ♪ ♪ Then she rummages
inside her purse ♪ ♪ For some garbage
that will do ♪ -♪ And it settles on ♪ -♪ Something that
she had just gotten ♪ ♪ From her boyfriend's mom ♪ -♪ It's a candle ♪ ♪ That same peach candle ♪ ♪ Regifted 'round the world
in just one day ♪ -♪ Just one day ♪ -♪ Oh thank you, candle ♪ ♪ The one true candle ♪ ♪ The candle we all get,
then give away ♪ -♪ But here's a warning ♪ ♪ When you give a candle,
that is all that you need ♪ ♪ Don't pair it with a lotion
or some lame little cream ♪ ♪ A lot of people think
two gifts are better than one ♪ ♪ But that just makes each gift
seem smaller and dumb ♪ -♪ So just give the candle ♪ ♪ Don't overthink the candle ♪ ♪ It's passed to every single
woman and most gays ♪ ♪ We all get the candle ♪ ♪ We all give the candle ♪ ♪ That $9 candle ♪ ♪ That almost rude candle ♪ ♪ We're joined by the candle ♪ ♪ It's the gift of having
a gift to give away ♪ ♪ The gift of having
a gift to give away ♪ Thank you, candle. ♪♪ -Hey, girl. I got somethin' real important
to give you. So, just sit down and listen. ♪ Girl, you know
we've been together ♪ ♪ Such a long, long time ♪ -♪ Such a long time ♪ -♪ And now I'm ready
to lay it on the line ♪ -♪ Wow, you know it's Christmas,
and my heart is open wide ♪ -♪ Open wide ♪ -♪ Gonna give you something ♪ ♪ So you know
what's on my mind ♪ -♪ What's on my mind ♪ ♪ A gift real special,
so take off the top ♪ -♪ Take a look inside ♪ ♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪ -♪ It's in a box ♪ -♪ Not gonna get you
a diamond ring ♪ ♪ That sort of gift
don't mean anything ♪ ♪ Not gonna get you
a fancy car ♪ ♪ Girl, ya gotta know
you're my shinin' star ♪ ♪ Not gonna get you
a house in the hills ♪ ♪ A girl like you needs
somethin' real ♪ ♪ Wanna get you somethin'
from the heart ♪ -♪ Somethin' special, girl ♪ -♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ My [bleep] in a box, babe ♪ ♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪ -♪ Oooh ♪ -♪ My [bleep] in a box, girl ♪ ♪ See, I'm wise enough to know
when a gift needs givin' ♪ ♪ And I got just the one ♪ ♪ Somethin' to show ya that
you are second to none ♪ -♪ To all the fellas out there
with ladies to impress ♪ ♪ It's easy to do,
just follow these steps ♪ ♪ One ♪ -♪ Cut a hole in a box ♪ -♪ Two ♪ -♪ Put your junk in that box ♪ -♪ Three ♪ -♪ Make her open the box ♪ -♪ And that's the way
you do it ♪ ♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ My [bleep] in a box, babe ♪ ♪ It's my [bleep] in a box ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ My [bleep] in a box, girl ♪ -♪ Christmas ♪ -♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪ -♪ Hanukkah ♪ -♪ [Bleep] in a box ♪ -♪ Kwanzaa ♪ -♪ A [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Every single holiday,
a [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Over at your parents' house,
a [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Mid-day at the grocery store,
a [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Backstage at the CMAs,
a [bleep] in a box ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪♪
