♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ -Where are these clients? Peggy, what time is it? -Oh, don't ask me.
I'm just a woman. I'm not allowed to own a watch -With good reason. I'm starving.
I'm just going to eat something. -Oh, I wouldn't until
Don gets here. -He won't care, trust me. -Campbell, put
the sandwich down. It's for clients.
-Come on, Don! -Fine. Do whatever you want. -Campbell. Put the sandwich down. -Yes, sir.
-Who calls in the morning and expects an ad pitch
on the same day? -Clients.
-Rich clients. -Mr. Sterling, Mr. Draper,
your clients have arrived. -Send them in, Miss Holloway -I'm leaving.
Want to watch? -Ready to hear
some pitches, babe? -Yeah. -And now, "Two A-Holes at
an Ad Agency in the 1960s. -Welcome.
My name's Don Draper. -Your hair looks hard.
-Yeah. Okay.
And you look lovely, Miss... -I'm sick.
-O...kay. Great.
Well, please have a seat. Would you like
something to drink? -You want a drink, babe?
-Yeah. -Yeah, she wants
something to drink. -Yeah, I heard her. Uh...
What would you like? -What do you want, babe?
-Guess. -She wants you to guess.
-Yes, I heard her. Gimlet?
-Martini? -Harvey Wallbanger?
-Grasshopper? -Ovaltine?
-Oh, I know. She probably wants an egg cream. -I want a sandwich with lettuce.
-Yeah, she's hungry now. -Oh, well, all this food
is for you. Help yourself. -They got us food, babe.
-Yay. -That's ours. That's ours now. That's ours.
That's ours. You can have that.
-Yeah, okay. Great. Should we move on? -You want to move on, babe -I need a light
for my cigarette. -I got it. There you go, babe.
Want me to spark it? Want me to spark it, babe? Want me to spark your cigarette? Cigarette, babe? Spark it? Spark-a-rette?
-Here. Allow me. -Smoking's queer. -Yeah, she doesn't smoke.
-All right. Before we get started,
I have to be honest. We received the prototype
for your product, and we're a bit confused. What is this? -It's a hula hoop
with a strap on it. Show them how it works, babe Look at this.
Put it on like that. Check it. Look how much fun she's having
Look at her face. -I have to say,
I am at a loss for words. -Yeah, 'cause it's
brilliant, right? -No, because I don't know
how to sell it. -I know how to sell it. Celebrity endorsements,
like Marilyn Monroe. You guys know
who Marilyn Monroe is? -Yes, of course.
-Yeah. Babe, do your
Marilyn Monroe impression. -Happy birthday. -You guys get it, huh? You get it, bangs? -Yes, it's funny.
-Yeah. Marilyn Monroe.
Silver fox, you get it? -It's a good one.
-Yeah. What about you, gay guy? -Who?
Me? -Well, uh, I... I'm sorry. I guess we need
a little more time. -Now, wait.
Wait. It's true this hula hoop wit
suspenders doesn't do anything Nowadays, when we're expecte
to maintain our jobs, our families,
our bodies, and our mortality, isn't doing nothing
the ultimate luxury? We spend our lives
jumping through hoops. Isn't it time we relaxed
inside of one? 'Cause none of us are angels but don't we all occasionall
deserve a halo? Gentlemen, these suspender aren't holding up
some plastic ring. They're suspending reality They're suspending
our childhood. And this isn't just a hula hoop. It's the circle of life. -So, what do you say? -No.
-It's stupid. -All righty, then.
I'll see you out. It's noon.
I'm on my way to the bar anyway. -Wait. Your pocket square
looks like a rabbit. -So it does. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Projector running ] [ Applause ] -And now, "Two A-Holes
Work Out with a Trainer." ♪♪♪♪ -You work here?
-Yes, I do. Can I help you? -Yeah, we're supposed to meet up
with some trainer. What's his name, babe? -It's Matt.
-Yeah. Go get Matt. -Oh, actually, I'm Matt.
Were you guys my 2:00? -Is that us, babe?
-Yeah. -Yeah, it's us. -Okay, well, you know,
now it's 2:55. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
don't worry. We got here at 2:00.
-What? You were here at 2:00?
Why didn't you come find me? -Why didn't you come find us -I didn't know
what you looked like? -You do now. -Okay.
Um... Well, I'll tell you what, I've got a half-hour
before I need to leave if you want me
to at least get you started. -What do you think, babe?
-I don't care. -We don't care.
-Okay. Well, what do you guys
normally do for exercise? -What we do, babe?
-For what? -For exercise.
-For what? -For exercise.
-Do you guys sell boxes? -Yeah, we're moving today. -No, we don't sell boxes. Just --
How about you guys just answer a couple
of fitness questions, okay -That okay, babe?
-Yeah. -Yeah, shoot.
-Okay, fine. Now that you have a trainer,
what are your goals? -I wanna own a horse. -No, I meant, physically,
what are your goals? -Oh, right, right, right.
I got you. I wanna physically own a horse -Okay.
Great. What about you? -I wanna lose 45 pounds. -Wait. Did you --
Did you say 45 pounds? -Yeah, don't forget
about my horse. -No, I got the horse.
Thanks, yeah. Miss, losing 45 pounds
would not be good for you. -Okay, then I want a horse, too. -Yeah.
We'll take two physical horses -You know what?
Let's just skip the questions. Okay, how about you hop
on the treadmill so I can, you know,
measure your heart rate? You've used one of these
before, right? -Yeah.
-Okay, great. -Good job, babe. You have fun?
-Yeah. It's like the sidewalk
on "The Jetsons." -Right. You know what "The Jetsons" are? -Yes, I know what
"The Jetsons" are, yeah. -She can do the voice
of their dog, Astro. Babe, do your Astro voice. Astro voice, go. -Rye, Relroy. -She said, "Bye, Elroy."
-Yeah, I got it. Yeah.
-He does Shaggy. -Yeah, the guy from
"Scooby-Doo." -Yes. So, are you gonna do it or...? -No. -Okay, fine.
Why don't we just-- -Zoinks. -Look, folks, not to be rude
but the two of you have wasted more than an hour
of my time, you know? The last thing it seems like
you wanna do is exercise. You don't even know
how to use the treadmill. I mean, why are you even here? Okay. Now you're just staring at me. Did I offend you? Wow.
This is absurd. Never happened to me before. I don't know how to feel.
Um... I'm kind of mad. I'm embarrassed. I guess I'm mostly embarrassed I have to go now, okay? I'm gonna be leaving, all right? Goodbye. -Great workout, babe.
-Yeah, I'm sweating. -Yeah. Give me a little
more Astro, babe. -Roo rook rike a rabbit.
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -And now, "Two A-Holes
at a Travel Agency." ♪♪♪♪ -Hi, come on in. What can I help you folks
with today? Have a seat. -Yeah, we wanna take a trip. What kind you got? -Well, we have all sorts
of travel packages. Do you know
where you want to go? -Where you wanna go, babe?
-I don't care. -We don't care. -Okay. Well, I can
help you with that. Would you like
to go someplace warm? -What do you think, babe?
-About what? -The warmth.
-The what? -The warmth. -Can I have a diet ginger ale?
-Yeah, I'll take a lemonade. -Uh, we don't serve drinks here,
but we do have water. -Do you want water, babe?
-I hate water. -She hates water. -Well, I guess a cruise is
out of the question, then, huh -Yeah, we don't get it. -Should he be showing us
pictures or something? -Yeah, you guys got brochures? -Of course. Here are a few of our
popular destinations, all very beautiful. Are you familiar
at all with the Yucatan? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know that place. You know that place, babe? -You know Yucatan? -You heard about
that place, right, babe? -Babe, Yucatan?
-Yeah. -Yeah, we know it.
-Great. Would you like me to pull up
some more information for you? -I don't know.
You wanna go there, babe? -Where's your ATM? -Yeah, she gotta
check her balance. -Uh, look, folks,
we don't have one of those here. There is a 7-Eleven
across the street. -Mm-hmm.
Wanna go over there, babe? -I want to go to Europe.
-You guys know where Europe is -Yes, we know where Europe is. Did you have someplace specifi
that you wanted to go? Someplace specific in mind -Yeah, what you think, babe?
-I want to drive there. -Yeah, we want to do that. -You can't drive to Europe -Can if I drive a boat. -So you want to rent a boa
and drive it to Europe? -What street are we on?
-Yeah, where are we? -Look, why don't you two
think about this some more and when you narrow it down to
a few places, come back, okay? -I know where I want to go
-All right, we got it, buddy Where you wanna go, babe? -England.
-Okay. England's great.
It's a big place. There's London,
Brighton's very nice. Did you have some place in mind? -I wanna go to Hogwarts. -You mean
from the "Harry Potter" books? -Yeah, you guys got trips
to that magic school? -Sir, that's not a real place. -Mm-hmm, all right.
They don't go there, babe. You probably got to go onlin
for that, right? Something like Orbitz
or something? -No, it's a fictional place. You cannot go there. -Right, right, right.
Gotta wait till summer. The wizards are out of school,
right? -No, never.
It's impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts It doesn't exist.
-It's invisible, right. -Look, you obviously don't kno
where it is that you want to go, so why don't you go home
and think it over, and come back
when you've made up your minds -I want to go there.
-Where? -Where you wanna go, babe?
-I want to go there. -Ma'am, that's a poster
of an airplane. -I know.
I want to go there. -Yeah, we'll go there.
How much? -Get out.
Get the hell out of here. -They're closin', babe. -Can you rub my shoulders?
I slept weird. -Yeah, you guys do
back rubs here? -Leave! -Make me a grilled cheese. -Fine. You know what? I'm gonna go in the back,
and I'm gonna get some coffee. When I come back,
you two better be gone. -He looked like a rabbit.
-Yeah. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Classic sketch, two of SNL’s best performers - in their PRIME.
A rare Casey Wilson sighting!
(I miss Happy Endings).