-I joined Match.com because
I want a successful man... for intercourse. I've had it before
and I'd like it again. ♪♪ -I think I'm a pretty good
catch, so why can't I meet
the right guy? I've tried all the online
dating apps, like Tinder, OKCupid, and Match.com, but I want to get married now. That's why I joined the new
online dating app Settl. -There's nothing wrong with
the men on Settl. They're just normal guys
with characteristics I am now willing
to overlook. -I already bought my wedding
dress, so I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on
tons of okay dates. That's how I met my Henry. He may drive a smartcar,
but he's a manager at Petco and even has a 401(k). We're getting married in April,
which is before my sister. -Settl isn't misleading like
those other dating apps. It's honest. For example, men are only
allowed to upload their passport photos, or ones of them
pretending to hold the Leaning Tower of Pisa. That way, we can't focus
on their looks. Hi!
-Sorry I'm late. I don't have a car. -Whatever. -And they guaranteed a date
because Settl won't allow us to swipe left. [ Dinging ] -Because, remember,
it's not giving up -- it's settling up. [ Giggles ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Settl. Tick-tock. -Would you like to have
another glass of wine? -Oh, no, thank you.
I-I'm usually in bed by now. [ Cheers and applause ] -I joined Match.com
because I'm a single mom. -I'm new to the area. -I'm a busy professional. -I wanted to try
something new. -Match.com -- more dates
and more relationships than any other dating website. And now, since she signed up
this week, more Martha Stewart. -I joined Match.com because
I want a successful man... for intercourse. I've had it before
and I'd like it again. -Match.com helps me find
someone who shares my interests, like dancing.
-Karaoke. -Sushi. -Whimsical window eggs, tiered macarons, and of course,
the simple elegance of a good bang. -Match.com --
the dating website that knows exactly
what you're looking for. -I want a guy who's kind. -Considerate.
-Thoughtful. -Rough like a rustic
burlap wedding invitation. -Handsome.
-Smart. -Someone with calloused hands
and no debt. -Someone who's silly. -Someone who can
work my body. -So why join Match.com? -Because it's fun.
-Because it's easy. -Because I'm Martha
[bleep] Stewart. I can do whatever I want. -Love is just a click away, so sign up today and meet the
person of your dreams tonight. ♪♪ -Tonight's the night. Just the two of you.
No phones, no emails. Just you and the one
you love. Time to tune out the world
and tune into each other. You've earned this moment, and nothing is going to get
in your way. [ Dog whimpers ]
Unless you own a dog. -The dog is watching us. -Ho-Ho. To your crate.
-Crate. -Ho-Ho to your crate.
-Go to your crate. -Ho-Ho to your crate.
-Crate, Ho-Ho. -Ho-Ho. [ Dog barking ] -Stop.
He thinks you're attacking me. -Okay, well, just put him
in the laundry room. -With his anxiety?
Yeah, right. -No, we're just talking,
Lady Bug. Everything's fine. -Bud, go in the hall,
we'll be three minutes. -Three minutes? -Don't let your fur baby ruin
the intimate moment you've waited for all week. Now you don't have to,
with "Pound Puppy," the furry dog costume
big enough for two people to have sex in. [ Moaning ] Once inside,
you can go to town, and your dog will just think
there's a much larger dog in the room with him. With "Pound Puppy" you get
the privacy you need, and your dog
has a new best friend. Suitable for any style
of love-making. -[ Moaning ]
-Ooh, yeah. -Need to check on your dog? Just use the mascot-style eyes. -Ho-Ho's buying it.
[ Barks ] -I think it's working
a little bit too well. -So throw your dog --
and yourself -- a bone with "Pound Puppy." Your dog will smile
while you doggy-style. Available in the adult section
of Petco. ♪♪ -Are you exhausted? ♪♪ Bone tired? ♪♪ Feeling overwhelmed? ♪♪ Sure. Everyone could use
a little extra energy. But you need it more
than most, because you're dating
an actress. -You're just jealous, Mother, because Tommy loves me! -Introducing 24-Hour Energy
for Dating Actresses. 'Cause for her,
all the world's a stage. -I guess Mama was right
about me! I am cheap! -Whether she's trying out
a new accent for a part... -I am a German woman. I am
a German woman. I am a German woman. -...or being told
she didn't get the callback... -[Bleep] my life! No! No! No! No! No!
No! No! -...or that she did
get the callback... -They want to see me
on Monday! Yes! Yes!
Yes! -Now you'll have the energy
you need to tell her she was great in that
local commercial. -Other blinds are too flimsy. -[ Chuckles lightly ]
Oh, man, I'd buy those blinds. -Or hang out with her actor
friends while they scream show tunes in your face. -Or even see her latest
Off-Broadway performance. -I'm scared.
-That's funny. You don't look scared. -Oh. Hold me every night. -So, go ahead,
date that actress. You can handle it. -Bravo!
[ Laughs ] -Yes, yes. And the award goes to you
for good acting! -And now for women, 24-Hour Energy
for Dating Comedians. -Hey, anybody need a stool
sample? [ Grunting ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
cf. MadTV's Lowered Expectations