♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Did you two order yet?
-No. -Did you two carve gang signs
into the baby changing station? -Yeah.
-Yeah. -All right, what do you want to
eat? -Uh, yeah. I'll have
a grilled cheese deluxe, and could I get a salad
instead of the fries, please? -Yeah. Sure thing --
one grilled cheese, vagina-style. Great, how about you, pal? -You know what?
I'll have the lobster. [ Dramatic music plays ] -Excuse me? -The lobster special. -Did you just order lobster
in a diner? -Yeah, why? -Because it's a diner! No one orders a lobster
in a diner. The whole seafood section is there on the menu
as a joke, man. I mean, seafood!
The word "seafood" is in quotes! -I'm in the mood for lobster,
okay? I won my lawsuit against Bumble
for getting zero matches, and I want to celebrate! -But the lobster, you're sure that you --
you want the lobster? -I don't see what
the big deal is. It's on the menu. Like,
I'll have the damn lobster. -Just don't do it. -As you wish. All right, everyone,
the time has come. We've got an order here
for one lobster! [ Intro to "Who Am I?"
from Les Misérables plays ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ ♪ Who am I? ♪ ♪ And why am I condemned
to boil alive? ♪ ♪ When all that I have done
is live my life? ♪ -♪ And why would someone
on a whim ♪ ♪ Choose from all to order him ♪ ♪ Who's this guy? ♪ ♪ I thought that there
was an unspoken rule ♪ ♪ That lobster in a diner's
never cool ♪ ♪♪ ♪ A diner menu's way too long ♪ ♪ And half the things
are fake or wrong ♪ -♪ Must he die? ♪ ♪ How can you ever face
his lobster friends? ♪ ♪ How can you ever face yourself
again? ♪ Monster! ♪ I've lived here 40 years,
I know ♪ ♪ An age that lobsters
never grow ♪ ♪ And in that time,
there's been no one ♪ ♪ To order any crustaceans ♪ ♪ Who am I? ♪ -♪ Lobster Number One! ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -I mean... I mean, you can't
eat the lobster now, man! They just sang "Les Mis," bro! -I'm sorry, dude. I'm more
of a "Mean Girls" guy... on Broadway now!
[ Laughter ] -Wait, what's happening
right now? -Papa?
-[ Gasps ] [ Laughter ] -Clawsette!
Oh, what are you doing here? -There's something I've wanted
to tell you, Papa. [ Intro to "Castle on a Cloud"
plays ] ♪ Papa, I've heard
they want you dead ♪ ♪ Let me go in your place
instead ♪ ♪ Whether it's boiled,
steamed, or fried ♪ ♪ Up to the great tank
in the sky ♪ [ Laughter ] -No! Clawsette,
I can't let you do that! It's not your time! It's mine! -[ Voice breaking ]
I love you, Papa. -Oh, I love you, too! Now, run! Run from this place!
-Oh! [ Laughter ] -Dude, the --
the little baby lobster! Just order something else! -Hey, they put it on the menu.
I'm calling their bluff. -Form the barricade!
-Form the barricade! -Wait, there's a barricade? [ Intro to "Do You Hear
the People Sing?" plays ] -Wow, this diner has
incredible set design! [ Laughter ] -♪ Will you join
in our crusade ♪ ♪ To keep this lobster
from his pot? ♪ -♪ Will you drop
the masquerade ♪ ♪ And give our BLT a shot? ♪ -♪ Then join in the fight ♪ ♪ That would give us the right
to be free ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -All right, all right,
all right. Forget the lobster,
I'll have the veal instead. -Yay!
-Yay! -All right, everybody,
let's go kill that baby cow! -Yeah!
-Yeah! [ Film projector clicking ] -Yo, just the Skittles, and do
you have a bottle of water? -Uh, sure. You want it super-hot
or solid block of ice? -Never mind. Never mind. -Hey, man, uh,
do you have a bathroom? [ Dramatic music plays ] -A what?
-A -- A bathroom. Like, a bathroom I could use. -Uh, dude, did you just ask
to use a bathroom in bodega? -I mean, what?
Who cares, it's an emergency. [ Chain rattles ] -Would you like the key
to the bathroom? -Charlie, if you do this, I don't think we can
be friends anymore, man. -Dude, relax.
It's just a bathroom. I'm sure it's fine.
-It's a cinder block, bro. -And so it shall be. Oh, Bodega Cat, show this man to the bathroom. [ Intro to "Pure Imagination" from "Willy Wonka
& the Chocolate Factory" plays ] -Make a wish. Hold your breath. ♪ Come with me and you'll be ♪ ♪ In a world
of zero sanitation ♪ ♪ Close your eyes
and avoid inhalation ♪ -♪ If you want to view
parasites ♪ ♪ Take a look around and view
them ♪ ♪ All the sticky stuff
is fluids ♪ ♪ Want to know for sure,
put a black light to it ♪ [ Audience laughs, groans ] -Oh, my God! -That's right. You're the first person
to use this bathroom that's not a dog giving birth. -What kind of creep would let
a bathroom get like this? -I did! [ Intro to "The Candy Man"
plays ] -♪ Who can sell you condoms ♪ ♪ And AriZona Iced Tea ♪ ♪ Luci cigarettes
and plantain chips? ♪ -♪ The Bodega Man can ♪ ♪ Oh, the Bodega Man can ♪ -♪ The Bodega Man can 'cause
he mixes lots of pills ♪ ♪ And calls them
Tiger sex pills ♪ -♪ Who can make a rainbow ♪ ♪ With cans of Goya beans? ♪ -♪ The Oreos are Russian
and the ATMs Chinese ♪ -♪ The Bodega Man can ♪ ♪ Oh, the Bodega Man can ♪ -Enough! The child is mine! He took the key, and now he
must pay the ultimate price! -I'm sorry, my son. I cannot protect you any longer. -Oh, come on. Feed me, Seymour! Feed me! -Stop! -Bodega Virgin Mary Candle? -That's right. If no one else will protect
the boy, then I will. [ "Memory" from "Cats" plays ] And I hope that someday
we can erase... ♪ The memory,
oh, this horrible memory ♪ ♪ When he needed a toilet ♪ ♪ In a moment of shame ♪ -♪ If you touch me, you'll
understand what unhappiness is ♪ ♪ Your worst day has begun ♪ [ Dramatic music plays ] -[ Clears throat ]
-Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. Uh, I think I learned my lesson. -Not yet, you haven't. [ Intro to "Oompa Loompa"
plays ] -♪ Oompa-Loompa doopity doo ♪ ♪ We've got a troubling bathroom
for you ♪ ♪ Oompa-Loompa doopity dee ♪ ♪ We got an F from the CDC ♪ -♪ What do you get when you
sit on that seat? ♪ -♪ Swine, HPV,
and a wave of heat ♪ -♪ Where are you at getting
desperate like that? ♪ -♪ The sink is a swimming pool
for rats ♪ -♪ I don't like the looks
of it ♪ -Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. You got Oompa-Loompas
in your bodega? -Oh, no, those are just
sour patch kids that have been in the store
so long, they came to life. -Hey, listen,
here's your key back, mister. I decided not to use
the bathroom. No, Charlie, don't you see? It's all yours now. The bathroom, the bodega,
I'm leaving all of it to you. You passed the test. -But what will I do with it? -It's a bodega, Charlie. The possibilities are endless!
Because there's... [ Intro to "Seasons of Love"
from "Rent" plays ] ♪ 525,600 items ♪ -♪ 525,000 unrelated things ♪ ♪ 525,000 flavors of ramen ♪ ♪ How can we sell you
one loose beer? ♪ ♪ There's shampoo and hot-dogs ♪ ♪ And the worst-ever
cup of coffee ♪ ♪ And tampons on the top shelf ♪ -♪ Why are they there? ♪ ♪ There's a guy
who doesn't work here ♪ ♪ Just sitting
and watching soccer ♪ ♪ And chargers ♪ -♪ But they're only
for an iPhone 3 ♪ -♪ Just unwrapped flan ♪ -All right, I've decided
to drop out of NYU and run the bodega full-time! -Yeah!
-Yeah! -♪ Bodega of love ♪ ♪ Bodega of love ♪ -Yeah, I'll get this
Chobani yogurt with no spoon to eat it with,
please. -Yeah, and I'd like
a bottle of water that will roll
to the back of the plane as soon as we take off. -All right. A $15 Dasani water,
extra plastic. -And, you know what, I will
grab, uh, this sushi, too. [ Dramatic music plays ] -I'm sorry? -This, uh, sushi, you know,
the spicy tuna roll that sitting in the display case next to
the ham and cheese panini. [ Dramatic music plays ] -You're s-sure you want to eat
the sushi? -You're buying sushi
at LaGuardia Airport? Have you lost your damn mind? -Well, I want a nice balance
of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man. [ Dramatic music plays ] -Your wish is my command,
Ke-mo sah-bee. Oh, Phantom of LaGuardia? Why don't you tell this
fine young man how he'll feel after he eats our sushi? [ Intro to "The Phantom
of the Opera" plays ] ♪♪ ♪ In dreams it's haunting you,
that fish you ate ♪ ♪ The expiration date
is in '1-8 ♪ ♪ and still you're choosing it
as food for a plane ♪ ♪ The phantom of the bathroom
is there ♪ ♪ It smells insane ♪ -♪ I am the sushi chef
that made that roll ♪ ♪ The fish inside of it
crawled out a hole ♪ ♪ Yet you're consuming it,
this great mistake! ♪ ♪ You'd honestly be so much
better off ♪ ♪ Eating a Wuhan snake ♪ [ Audience laughs, groans ] -Is he supposed to be a pigeon? No, he's one of the geese
that took down Sully's plane. [ Laughter ] -Miracle on the Hudson? More like massacre in the sky! [ Groans ] -And there's just a bird loose
in the terminal? -Of course there is. Haven't you been
to LaGuardia before? [ Intro to "America"
from "West Side Story" plays ] ♪ I like to wait at LaGuardia ♪ ♪ Lots of delays at LaGuardia ♪ ♪ Too small for planes
at LaGuardia ♪ -♪ Watched a man die
at LaGuardia ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Baggage claim carousels
cling, clang ♪ -♪ Outlets are there
for a cool prank ♪ -Ha-ha! ♪ Loose wires hang
from the ceiling ♪ ♪ Gives you a skanky old
feeling ♪ ♪ I like to be at LaGuardia ♪ ♪ It's hard to breathe
at LaGuardia ♪ ♪ We have Hep C at LaGuardia ♪ ♪ Who can you blame
for LaGuardia? ♪ -I'll tell you
who you can blame. -Auntie Orphan Annie? [ Laughter ] [ Intro to "Tomorrow"
from "Annie" plays ] -♪ When anything's bad,
De Blasio ♪ ♪ Throw your hands up
and say "De Blasio ♪ ♪ You ought to feel ashamed" ♪ ♪ I know some of it
was Mike Bloomberg ♪ ♪ But it still feels like
De Blasio is to blame ♪ -♪ Why are there five planes
on the tarmac? ♪ -♪ But the taxis must stay
three miles away? ♪ -♪ De Blasio, De Blasio ♪ ♪ The cops hate De Blasio ♪ ♪ He'll keep them a song away ♪ -[ Gasps ] And look,
here comes a crying baby about to board a
transcontinental flight. [ Intro to "Cool"
from "West Side Story" plays ] -♪ Goo, gah, goo-goo, gah ♪ ♪ I'll scream and cry, boy ♪ ♪ Got a striper in my diaper ♪ ♪ Ew, it's stinky stool, boy! ♪ -Just play it cool,
unaccompanied baby. Real cool. -If my parents are looking
for me, which they're not, I'll be in the kids play ground
that's also a pet-relief area. [ Laughs ]
-Wow! That let a baby through
security. -Did someone say security? [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello, Guy Who Travels
in Pajamas. -That's right. I dress so that TSA can have
easy access to my body. [ Intro to "Defying Gravity"
from "Wicked" plays ] ♪ So if you care to search me,
I'll spread my legs real wide ♪ ♪ I'll even bend over for you ♪ ♪ You can take a peek inside ♪ ♪ You can tell that
I enjoy security ♪ ♪ You can search way up
in my cavity ♪ ♪ You can pat me down ♪ ♪ You don't have to use
the front of your hands ♪ -Okay, Jesus, we get it. You can continue on
to Cleveland now. -How did you know I was
going to Cleveland? That's where everyone at
LaGuardia is going, like it or not. -♪ Aaaaaaaaaah ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Attention, we have
a gate change for passengers
going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it
to that gate in time and the plane will leave empty.
Thank you. -Man, I told you we should
have left out of JFK. -[ Chuckles ] And I guess
I should have stayed home. -Aah! -Oh, relax! I'm not sick. I'm just a...
[ "Suddenly Seymour" plays ] ♪ Profiled Asian ♪ ♪ Standing beside you ♪ ♪ If I cough, then it's over ♪ ♪ You'll get off the plane ♪ ♪ Profiled Asian ♪ ♪ No, I wasn't in "Parasite" ♪ ♪ I know the virus is bad, but ♪ ♪ It's coming from Italy, too ♪ -Man,
this airport is its own world. -Yes, a third world. -And if you stay here
long enough... And if you stay here
long enough, you will learn the mysteries
of LaGuardia. -Why, it's the baggage handler who tosses everyone's suitcases
into Long Island Sound. -That's right.
And you should know that... [ Intro to "Road to Nowhere"
by Talking Heads plays ] -♪ We're on a plane to nowhere ♪ ♪ Come on in inside ♪ ♪ They say it's
about to take off ♪ ♪ That is a lie ♪ ♪ Sure, it will start to taxi ♪ ♪ But then it comes back ♪ ♪ We're on a road to a motel
overnight ♪ ♪ Where's my flight? ♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
He and Jost writing together is always gold!
That might be my favourite sketch of all time. Milanese + Les Mis is so inspired
Airport Sushi has too many coronavirus references. It isn’t going to age well.