Dean Martin Celebrity Roast ~ Don Rickles 1974

ladies and gentlemen the dean martin comedy hour presents a special 90-minute roast with tonight's guests dan rowan clarkman dick martinez joey bishop cliff robertson bob newhart foster brooks nixie russell matt henry charlie kellis captain eugene cernan carol channing phyllis diller kurt douglas and your roast master dean martin and tonight's very special man of the week mr don rickles tonight we're roasting down rickles rickles is the man about whom adolf hitler once said from him i could learn don's idea of a fun evening is to show home movies of the attack on pearl harbor with a laugh track don's got a great sense of humor he gets his kicks calling in phony reprieves to the death house rickles has the distinction of being the only civilian that was ever impeached don inherited his sense of humor his mother and father were great practical jokers that's how dawn was born he was even a rotten kid one christmas he hung his sock on the tree and a tree died you're learning but you're laughing i know but that's all behind down now today's he's a much bigger bigger success than i am after all he's had four tv series and i've only had one oh boy they say they say that behind every clown is a sad man in don's case it's robert wood the president of cbs few people know this but don's worked hard in show business to attain one goal to save up enough money to send his mother back behind the iron curtain paul is a pleasure now ladies and gentlemen it's a great pleasure to introduce mr joey bishop joey was a little late getting here he was in johnny carson's garage loosening johnny's brakes one of my favorite comedians mr joey bishop when they asked me to appear on the dais for don rickles i said i don't know what to say about don rickles they said say whatever you want to say okay don rickles is a bedwetter not only the bed everywhere he's i really in my heart i must say i cannot believe we're paying tribute to him i mean i mean we've had big names here let me go to him uh who'll be honoring next week prickly you're gonna honor somebody i don't know a man like doctor jonas saul a man who helps fight diseases why are we honoring a carrier and is known for his hostility and i ask you from the bottom of my heart what has he to be hostile about what can a short paunchy bold old ugly person possibly have to be hostile about does have a great sense of humor i mean not on stage i'm talking about tactical joker number one you remember the time you took the safety belt off the mickey rooney's toilet seat mickey almost drowned then i found out and this was the shocker because i know you don't gamble in vegas you don't go to the track i found out you're a bingo addict i called your wife barb i said barbara what is don really like and she said every night bingham i'm sure you all know why we are here because we love this gentleman don rickles is a fine person a great entertainer a wonderful father and a great husband in spite of what he says on stage i know in my heart that it's really a good egg and you all know where eggs come from hey joey a little while back phyllis diller had a facelift and it really did wonders for her now when she walks down the street the guys look at her and say oh boy that's because she looks like one ladies and gentlemen a nice lady a lovely lady a great comedian miss phyllis gillard thank you very much dean you know the man we are roasting tonight took first prize on this last halloween for his costume he painted the top of his head blue and went as a ballpoint pen he's sort of unlucky you know he lost all his hair and still has dandruff my friend don rickles has all the charm of an earthquake and i wrote this job myself but he's kind to animals every night he puts his cat out with ether they should never pull the pen out of the grenade in his mouth well if they're bad there's no saving them done baby you know i'm only kidding with all of this i wish i could say how i really feel about you but then i'd never get on television again ladies and gentlemen the most distinguished actor the star of grip but then of course i've always liked animal acts i've been i've been listening here to people casting aspersions on dawn and about his ability in many areas but particularly is a comic and i think that's rather cruel and as an actor i object to the discrimination because don is a pretty rotten thespian too you know what a question is dean oh sure i got a turn down from one of them the other night right on well let's just let me say this about don rickles as an actor he's had a very long theatrical career you could list all his hit shows on a piece of confetti and not many people know this this is a fact but don was part of the bonanza cast for all the 14 years we were on television he was our fourth son the one we kept in a home don is now dressed with a very beautiful wife barbara two marvelous children and a mother who has moved to florida changed her name and sends dawn money every week to stay away there will always be a place for you in the theater a place where you can do the thing which you are greatest at doing and it's right up the aisle second to the left our next guests are rowan and martin if you've seen them you know that they're a very unusual team two straight men ladies and gentlemen a couple real funny guys dan rohn and dick martin this is it we have not come to um praise don rickles nor have we come to bury him no he has managed to do that pretty well over the years himself now uh we have always wondered why don is so successful and can only be laid to his material great material right so we have collected some of the greatest of don rickles material and every word you're going to hear is from don rickle's own mouth these are direct quotes right what did you say verbatim very good thank you uh first of all here's one here uh it says in case there's a colored guy on the desk it says there happens to be one yeah to you nipsey sorry about the seating arrangement at first they wanted you on the hall with a bucket here i'll make you feel at home all aboard if there's if there's a mexican on that there is no is there a mexican in the audience must be you mexicans hello jose you mexicans never flew around with a wife you're too busy laying on the floor fixing the mud so it don't cave in anyway anyway anyway gang i guess so uh sir you're you're well i'll make you feel at home mine cave-in you'll never see a jew coal miner they're usually in the cabin saying irving there's a cave in down there but anyway i spent a very thrilling evening with easy come back to haunt you i spent a very thrilling evening with dean martin once i watched a fly go up a drape anyway gang i think there's more to that oh but we need the italians that's right this is the saver yeah what for oh yeah your pizza's ready lady i quote the words of the great indian geronimo as he jumped on his horse anyway gang remember the words of abraham lincoln who said to his black servant stop that tap dancing and give me back my high hats anyway gang one of the greatest black men of our day rufus johnson said in augusta georgia run baby and the run was right behind him saying look i'll sell you a bike i think it's always tell you he's the one that divided these up look at i quote the words of the great general robert e lee you said it gettysburg i think we blew it uh you there fella uh how long you been married four days god bless you young jewish kid right if her father-in-law dies what kind of work are you out of i know i know that you gave me these but you should have taken this one because i don't understand what is this that's the biggie what do you mean oh that's the that's his that's the one that does it what is this oh this is this is his exactly this is the funniest yeah oh this is how he closes in show business you close with a big right i'll do my best for him show business is my life my humor ladies and gentlemen is directed in a way to laugh at ourselves it's beautiful if you accept if if you accept it in that spirit i am deeply grateful if not where's the hell's the punchline right here oh we're getting to it if not i wish you what you deserve a glass of hot milk and a trip to tijuana would you all please welcome the man who writes every word that comes out of don's mouth thank you baby it is a real kick in the cooker oh this is the man who gave me my break in show business it is not easy getting started as a writer not too many comics come it has been an honor and the pleasure to be associated with you you are a real pussycat to perform in new york in hollywood in miami beach in paris in london in vegas you are the only man i know who have found more places than i have casey cassandra ladies and gentlemen when it comes to comedy bobby newhart knows where it's at why he don't go get it i don't know ladies and gentlemen the funniest psychiatrist i know mr bob newhart bob newhart's spot john is my best my best friend which just gives you some idea the difficulty i have in making friends as some of you may have already known uh don's hotel room was recently robbed the only thing that was taken was the music to don's act so far the chicago police have picked up 33 000 people who might have had a possible motive don is just about to sign one of the largest deals in the history of las vegas why he is signing frank's deal we'll never know but don has not done that well in television uh he's had four series now uh the last one a couple of dons received a minus four nielsen rating this means there's no one watching but several people without tv sets had heard about the show and said if they got one they wouldn't watch but that that doesn't matter i'm going to get it later so i may as well be happier but don's career continues to skyrocket uh will be announced in a few days in the in the trades in the papers that don has been chosen as the national spokesman for preparation h we're all quite excited about uh many uh many unkind things have been said about don as his best friend i think it's uh incumbent upon me to to tell you the true facts i don't think don will take hemorrhage at this because don doesn't know what the hell umbridge means been said that don never helps other performers uh i remember when i was starting out don pulled me aside and gave me some advice we have a saying in our business be nice to people on the way up because you meet the same people on the way down don told me you run into entirely different people and the hell with them many people say don is not a good father but uh don is very proud of his daughter mindy and his son larry i know this i was in in his house at the time larry came in larry wanted a turtle and don rushed out because anything larry wants he immediately rushes to get as soon as the football game is over he brought him back a turtle and larry gave it to him the next day and said turtle has blisters on his feet and don took it back to the pet shop the owner said that's impossible that turtles don't get blisters on their feet and gave them some salve and don help larry put the salve on the turtle's feet and the next day don brought back the turtle and again had blisters this went on for five days finally gave him a new turtle don took it back to larry and gave it to him and just as he was leaving he turned around something told him to turn around and there was larry going diamonds may be a girl's best friend but carol is an audience's best friend ladies and gentlemen here's the lovely and talented star wars thank you and you know i cannot understand why everyone here tonight keeps picking on poor dear sweet dawn he's really a very good-hearted man truly he is i remember once when i was appearing at the waldorf astoria in new york and i used to sing a number called don't take your love from me well i was singing this song one night and when i got to the part that goes would you take the wings from birds so that they can't fly down was the only person in the audience who stood up and shouted yes audience yes don't you yes so you see i am here tonight is one of don wickl's friends it's a minority group there's so many terrible things have been said about don tonight that i would like to say a few nice words about him you see i'm not like all of you gentlemen here on the dais i don't hate don really i don't because as our president said you can't hate anybody you don't respect now i'd like to introduce mipsy russell nipsey is living proof that black is beautiful not funny but beautiful there he is my good pal mr nicholas they found an orangutan suffering with a hernia fed him poisoned from a rattlesnake bite gave him the soothing voice of a wild hyena and he is man of the week tonight don rickles who has the personality of a lemon taster is not without compassion for his fellow performer when peg leg bates was seriously ill and down on his luck don rickles gave him money he said i know it's tough on you peg here's a few dollars to help you out till you get back on your foot he has suffered rejection frustration only yesterday in a moment of flirtatious sexy attitude he tried to pick up a woman on hollywood and vine and he was chased away by the two boy scouts that were helping her across the street it's because you're hostile done pat and after dean martin a sex symbol and a superstar who upped his prestige in the business through charm and grace he up this prestige done up yours i know the dawn admires the man he said to dean martin he said dean in my act i do a song called i'm a nice guy he said but my musical performance is a little awkward what should i do with my hands while i'm singing dean dean said put him over your mouth and his human he makes some ethnic slurs well when we were all in florida i saw sammy davis jr water-skiing through the everglades enjoying himself immensely at the wheel of that boat in the broiling hot sun pulling sammy davis on the water skis was don rickles i had to shout my accommodation i said don you're beautiful working so hard to entertain your little friend i said you're personifying brotherhood he said i'm baiting alligators don nichols has won many friends in many places before many groups by his philosophical observations before a physical fitness group he said if you want to look young hang out with old people out of billy graham revival he said he said if you want to be forgiven for your sins the first thing you got to do is sin at the naval academy he said don't give up the ship sell it he says forget about the indians if they're not happy the way we treat them let them go back where they came from i was gonna write a song about you tonight don but the notes on the piano don't go that low so i say to you blow the trumpet of brotherhood beat the freedom drum but don't sing along with my people or we shall not overcome mr cliff robertson is a fine actor who won an oscar for his portrayal of an imbecile in the movie charlie and after you hear him you'll know why they picked him for that part ladies and gentlemen one of the most versatile actors in hollywood mr cliff roberts thank you dean i'm very happy to be here tonight because i happen to know something about don rickles that might interest you for the past 20 years don has been leading a double life by night he's one of america's foremost comedians the king of the insult the pasha of the put down but by day he has a different profession by day don rickles is a priest that's right he's a pastor right here in los angeles at the parish of saint hockey puck i don't know i don't know why you should be so surprised to find out that don is a priest after all joey's a bishop and uh eva beaver marine is a saint and uh i'm gonna help her out of trouble right now fatherdon has totally devoted his life to good works every penny he earns as a comedian he donates to the don rickles home for the incurably obnoxious some of his congregation some of his congregation have taken a while to get used to don style in his sermon the church organist wasn't too flattered when don asked him where his monkey was a little nun was a little startled once when don told a man sitting next door to please keep his penguin on a leash few people were taken aback at first by don's version of the marriage ceremony do you dum-dum take this fish face to be your lawfully wedded yo-yo but don john has been very successful as a priest the members of his parish are very careful not to commit any sins whatsoever that's because repentance don makes him watch reruns of his old tv series incidentally some of don's friends couldn't be here you're amazed how i can talk without looking at the cue card but they sent you some wires and i'm going to reach them i am oh god i never saw you this close up you know and horrible one from herb schlosser the president of nbc dear don you had a series on abc friday night at 10 o'clock it was cancelled then you had a series on cbs friday night at 10 30 and that was cancelled do me a favor don get off dean's show fast our next guest is jack klugman you all know jack he's half of the odd couple maybe next time we'll get the funny half the winner of two emmy awards mr jack glover don has appeared with a lot of great stars as we know he's clark gable and tony curtis debbie reynolds clint eastwood he has appeared with them all once what a performance he gave in the movie rat race it almost got him to lead and willard then he made a very important film bikini beach remember that he played a sand dab in heat then in quick succession he was really hot he made the man with the x-ray eyes and ended laughing and kelly's heroes those pictures made they really make it easy to sum up his movie career in one word over and remember again he's speaking don't fake the laughter but he's gonna make a sensational comeback because next week don starts his own life story he's going to film deep mouth now i'd like you to meet pat henry pat worked and traveled with frank sinatra for years which is one of the reasons frank went into retirement very funny comedian mr pat henry as you know ladies and gentlemen there's something about don rickles very few people know first of all don was born and only twin and to look at don you know he wasn't a very pretty baby in fact at birth when the doctor held him up he slapped him right in the face and when his mother saw him she slapped the doctor in the face as you know don was a bottle-fed baby he and his mother didn't trust him up close to get on the good side of all the kids in school don would tell him he had esp unfortunately he was trying to spell carr but you wonder what kind of a guy don really is he once invited jule gibbons over for lunch he served them poison ivy one of dawn's closest friends couldn't be with us tonight because he's up in canada filming on location but he insisted on being a part of tonight's roast so ladies and gentlemen direct from montreal there's one of hollywood's foremost actors mr kirk douglas thank you dean i'm sorry to be up here in montreal when you're roasting rickles down there that's always been my favorite dish roast weasel well i shouldn't have said that after all weasels have feelings too but actually i owe a great deal to my good friend don you see when an actor prepares for a character he gets ideas from observing real people all around him and don rickles has always been a real character now in many pictures i patted my characterizations after him for example i'm doing a picture up here in montreal right now that's based a little bit on don it's called mousey now if it was really based on don completely it would have been called the rat i remember that in spartacus i played a gladiator who fought more than 300 men to death that was based on don he can't get along with anybody either yeah dom gave me the inspiration for the dual role of dr jekyll and mr hyde you know anybody more two-faced than don he also gave me my characterization for the trumpet player and young man with a horn because he's another blowhard with a lot of lip now in the bad and beautiful though it was 50 50. i used myself for the beautiful and him for the back and champion my price fighter like don didn't know when to quit and finally in my last picture scalawag i played a peg-leg pirate who like don doesn't have a leg to stand on but he sure knows how to steal the money and run good luck our next guest is the great impressionist mr rich little yes sir rich can rich can be anybody he wants to be why he chose to be rich little i'll never know when you're in business as long as me you'll know how to read them lines baby a really great talent mr rich little thank you dean for that strange introduction don i'm a nice guy i'm so delighted that carol shannon could be here this evening instead of staying at home and watching will chamberlain drop basketballs in her mouth ah hey it really is an honor to be here tonight to pay tribute to this truly outstanding human being don rickles not many people know this but don recently volunteered to take part in a series of experiments being conducted at the ucla medical center see they're trying out new drugs on dawn to see if they're safe for rats i did that as myself but uh and gotta laugh well here are the impressions that's what you've been saying for years right why don't you go home and take a walk hey i've really been looking forward to this occasion in fact a few nights ago i had a dream about don rickles just my luck actually it was more a nightmare i dreamt that all the world's major political leaders had gathered at the white house in washington for a conference to bring peace to the world and in my dream don rickles was president of the united states and he was greeting them all now here are some of the things that president rickles was saying in my dream hi king facal of saudi arabia so so glad you could come hope you find the parking place for your camera may i say something your harness can i say this from the bottom of my heart you gotta be the ugliest king i've ever seen in my life your face was a building and be condemned anyway gang nazi time oh i love you you you you're a wonderful little guy you're a little taggier i know you got a lot on your mind but try and remember next time no starts in the car huh feed out pastor what are you doing here tonight you hockey pack what'd you do get a note from the russians saying you could take the night off yes bentley is that a bear to you sticking your head under your armpits is he coming towards me if you see teeth it's not an ivory hunt anyway guys isn't this fun this is fun staying up late and everything huh isn't this greatness better than sitting around the house discussing your next series hey look who's here all the way from the soviet union mr and mrs brasner don't tell me let me guess which one is which huh hey bring your tanaka of japan i saw i suck what are you looking so scared for you hockey puck john wayne's not here tonight well the last time i was in tokyo i met your beautiful wife and your lovely kids and i must say that's quite a set of tanaka she's got that and then all of a sudden i awoke the dream was over i was awakened by the telephone i picked it up it was don rickles agent telling me he wanted 75 000 for appearing in my dream you know because of dawn's biting style of humor some people have the idea that he has a cruel streak don't you believe it and so knowing what a fine person don rickles really is it hurts me when i hear stories about him that i know to be false and i would like to take this opportunity to deny some of these nasty rumors in the first place it's not true that when don was a little boy he used to hide his grandmother's bedpan in the freezer simply untrue nor is it true that he staples worms to the ground so that birds trying to pull them out will get hernias it's not true that don once said to pope paul tell me your holiness how come a guy as successful as you never married and it is absolutely untrue that in dawn's home there is a roll of sandpaper in the guest bathroom all these stories are completely false dawn rickles is the kindest sweetest nicest person you will ever meet and i am the queen of romania well our next speaker is one of hollywood's outstanding actors kelly cevallos a man whose talent outshines his head ladies and gentlemen the star of kojak mr kelly savannah thank you you know they say that hate and love are very close uh emotions and don rickles here is proof of that because he's one of the few people i hate to love and i can say that sincerely because for a long time now doll has been one of my or he claims to be one of my best friends during our early days in new york he used to babysit for me he's much more mature as you know don and i were inseparable we had the kind of friendship that nothing could ever break up it lasted until he moved across the street but to this day i know i can i can count on him in any emergency don he's always right there when he needs me and you know i played a very big part in don's life i was the one who introduced him to barbara bob i'm sorry bob is his wife so i get to pick up the litter also helped straighten her tooth before she married don and she wound up with this molar you know don and i made a picture together in yugoslavia it's called kelly's heroes yugoslavia oh god one of the few places in the world where you can still enjoy yourself without having a good time after the movie was completed the whole gang chipped in presented down with a gift certificate with 25 electric shock treatments someone someone wants to find an actor as a person who tries to be everything but himself in don rickles case believe me anything else but himself would be an improvement an affair like this would not be complete without our next guest he's famous for his after-dinner speeches he's one of the legends of show business and he certainly needs no introduction but here he is a wonderful man i'm coming in tonight ladies and gentlemen to salute our daily department words alone cannot convey the grief that i feel in my heart to this wonderful man who was taken away from us by the hand of our heavenly father however we can all take solace knowing that dawn has gone and entered that big stage door in the scar to join the other greats from the hulls and turns of soul business such luminaries as george m gohan owls olsen and ricardo quartet yes ladies and gentlemen don nickels shall not pass this way again and forgot we can all be great but let me just for a moment he come to you those last planian days in danville before the final titan rang down for eternity his lovely wife barbara came to his deathbed with her new fiancee george bush under that crisis of hatred and cruelty was a layer of warmth and love and under that player ladies and gentlemen with another layer of even more hatred and cruelty there's much more i can say but i have to leave i'm doing a model of the griffin and now it is the request of the family that we all get into our limousines and drive out to don's final resting place the farthest lawn animal cemetery all i can say is that's mr charlie carlos ladies and gentlemen let's welcome a great astronaut and a great pal of our man of the week captain eugene soon thank you thank you very much dean i very sincerely want to say i'm very proud to be called a friend of of dons and it's certainly a privilege to share with you this evening uh this honor i guess you'd call it an honor that you're bestowing upon don because from what i've heard you deserve it all the real reason i'm i'm here this evening is that i've been credited with what some people with what many uh call a remarkable accomplishment i'm one of a handful of men who have achieved the near impossible yes ladies and gentlemen i gene cernan have actually spent 10 whole minutes with don rickles without building them in the mouth i've known don for for quite a few years as a matter of fact that may be one of the main reasons uh that i chose to go to the moon hopefully to get a little peace and quiet for a change and wouldn't you know it while we're out there a quarter million miles away from home on our way to the moon someone decided to pipe up your act don up into the spacecraft i later found out that our mission was a little bit more than just a lunar landing but it was somewhat of an endurance test they were actually checking our threshold of pain but you know very sincerely don you would have you would have made a a great astronaut and i really i really do mean that if we decided to send don rickles to the moon i know we'd all save a lot of money because i'm sure the vote in america would be for a one-way trip our next speaker has never met don rickles oh that's a lucky guy buddy uh he asked especially if he could come here tonight just to pay tribute to him ladies and gentlemen would you please welcome mr foster brooks thank you very thank you very much as the puerto rican gentleman just told you i have never met don rickles in fact he's probably wondering what i'm doing here he has never even seen never even seen he has never seen me before he has never heard heard of me and our paths have never drawn however mr reckles you and i do have an indirect release relationship you see i'm fooling around with your wife so you see we we do have something in common i hope you understand john we have tried to keep us very very discreet so don't tell anybody would you my wife would be furious if she found out about it john i really must compliment you on your spouse mrs mrs pickles i say that because she's a real dilly and i must also admit you have a very low a very lovely home incidentally you're out of scotch if you do you happen to think i would pick up some pretzels do you know that what your wife and i love to do most watching you while you're on tv are you on t tv when you're on we just laugh and shackle and giggle and sometimes we even turn the sound on and we are always sad when you finish your act that means you're on your way home and i better cheese it which reminds me you're out of velveeta too now please don don't don't blame your lovely wife on for any of this are getting together with all all my doing it's all my fault i happen to be the one who answered her ad in hollywood free press you know your wife thinks that thanks very very highly of you don she tells me you are one wonderful man and i know that you you must be the put up with all her snoring she tells me that since he's been mrs right here rip ripples she says every day with you is that thanksgiving by ellie that's what she gets for marrying the turkey now ladies and gentlemen it's time for revenge here's our man of the week the merchants of venom mr don rickard mr chairman honored guests monsignor duffy and rabbi kinbike and deacon leroy some jerks in the back no dick and lyra well uh kid mall gathering it is a without question and fairness to mr dean martin this has been one of the longest evenings i've ever spoken except for the drunk it was just charming i know the hour is late the dinner was absolutely fantastic i must say that a bowl of peanuts and water with a guppy in it one of the cheapest i would like to tell you something about this they make it seem to you out there in television land that we're all here with big turkey dinner or something going these people are all called and my name is mentioned like he don't care he's he's at home with his wife he doesn't know he's here right now but he's a millionaire and he says hey as a favor i'll come down and we'll kid with the jew for a couple hours i say to you dean with all sincerity if hitler goes to war so help me i'll back the other side can you imagine if whitley was at war and he was a gentleman yeah i think i think we all attacked but i'd like to say i'd like to clear up a matter right off the bat and tell you from the top tonight i'm very delighted because this is a long road i had my first big break on the dean martin show through dean and greg garrison his producer when they put me on a show for the first time with every celebrity in hollywood and i was completely soaking aspiring to the to the death of me and i'd like to say right out in front so it's not lost in tape that i thank you dean really because if it wasn't your wonderful belief and believing in me and greg really maybe this day would not have come about and i'm very grateful too i've been i haven't gene said a drink to that god bless you dude his lovely wife sits by the bed every night saying try to reach the medicine course when you go this time a lot of women are going to collect no he's got a lovely wife his lovely what's her name tasha catherine she's a lovely girl you'll find her in the lobby later going would you buy me a sweater probably strict and broad it's some embarrassing really i'd like to say going down the line first of all nipsey russell a dear friend we've many many times you've asked to hang out with me but i felt it embarrassing i being a jew i don't need no watermelon truck around and don't put that over your head a couple of guys from georgia will come up here but i love you nipsey black or white it doesn't matter to me our society today we are all brothers in arms as nipsey told you people out there we just got to get america to buy that i love nipsey i oh we have a seal in the crowd i'd like to say to telly savalas from the bottom of my heart really telly i kid you i've never liked you as an actor and telly is the kind of guy with no money that keeps saying to the russian girls you want to fool around now his wife is listening in that's in humor because he has wonderful family and a wonderful wife and telly and all of us and yugoslavia were lonely and we thought of our wives constantly may we be paralyzed god forbid if we were alive but being in yugoslavia the biggest excitement we had was watching tito's door go to the bathroom so you must bring the stain bob newhart made the claim that he was my closest friend i have never met bob i'll put it to you another way bob newhart goes to many gay parties that's why you hear him going uh uh yeah if you want you want to cliff dance is a fantastic actor cliff is sort of like clint eastwood kind of down kind of well you died cliff that's what you did cliff is the type of guy you're in a raft and you're alone and you're a survivor and cliff robinson is the guy with you and you want the shark to bite you on a tushy so you have a little excitement but you're a fantastic actor cliff you've told me that many many times and i wish you in your career a lot of luck really you're you're marveling and thank you for coming we've been so close i met the guy once buying a paper but thanks cliff for coming by i know how busy you are with your busy schedule standing by the studio gate at warner brothers saying to the top of the gate won't anybody see me quick good luck to you rowan and martin you were completely bad but i say this to dick and dan one of the great teams they hang out together when when dan went on his raft around the world that was saying i hope the wind shifts but they're a great they're a great team they've had great success they're going to be on nbc again this year look at this they both win are we i don't know i hope not but uh i love you both and you're marvelous men uh jack klugman i say from the bottom of my heart tony randall feels he can work alone in the series you are annoying i never knew you had that much hair you can't even tell to see jack klugman in real life you can ski off him until he save alice joey bishop we won't bother you i know you're just resting we kid joey i know him a long time and i said to joey when i got married i said joey i got married he said hey you you want to see my car joey and cliff robinson could hang out together literally could just sit in a steam room and watch towels roll up long grain one of the great jewish men of our time who was uh that's kind of funny because we all have backgrounds and he's a great american and to be pop caught right and stand around it always struck me funny to see this man in bonanza saying all right but boys let's get the horses up no jew rallies horses around no way we sit in a big wagon and go bri bring those horses over here rich little someday you got to do you and maybe your wife will leave you your magnificent man foster brooks i cannot say your talent goes without speaking you are a marvelous man really pat henry is my dear friend he knows frank sinatra personally in fact they're that close when frank takes his car out pat runs in front of the car and checks for mines you don't find guys with that kind of loyalty anymore frank did say to say hi to you dean i know how much it means to you dean's the kind of guy you can say golf a bit uh frank sinatra was hit by a bus well i'm going to take my nine-iron agreement and when frank's going to hear your attitude you're going to wind up in a hook in a garage in chicago anyway uh look at that the big irish guy went what does that mean rose two irish guys they don't know anything you just know how to go at a picnic and take a can of bingo but we need the irish because we ain't going to put out no fire you can better not oh isn't it the truth get in there and don't be getting that queen get that fire out and the jewish guy's usually outside more wood hurby more wood and the black man's on the corner i bet we get blamed for this too and the polish kid's going for what you must light a match and blow up and last but not least captain cernan i was overjoyed that this man would be here tonight uh i must say i was at the launch when apollo 17 went to the moon many of us forget great courage and great americans at a time of need with our country today and i do not preach politics or just try to do jokes but in this man i take exception because he is a delightful wonderful great hero and i must tell you ladies and gentlemen to see that rocket take off from the launch pad and to be with his family and his dear ones and to watch this great wonderful human being call me the night before and say hey don uh we're we're gonna go to the moon listen why don't you go over to the tiki club or what have you with the wife and have a couple of drinks and boom it was so casual and so beautiful that i just stood in war and i was mesmerized by this great hero i say to all of you americans and not to embarrass you gene i thank you for being here tonight most important these are all performers but you are really outstanding gentlemen i thank you for coming captain i wanna team just said i'll go to the moon tonight you would but nobody would look up i must say from the bottom of my heart and kirk douglas who was so kind to appear here tonight kirk is a dear friend i was over his house one night and we had dinner and i said kirk how do you feel how's my body look and i said wrinkled ah i know what i said you keep playing everything back just keep drinking and say to yourself your voice is not gone he's wonderful though can you tell he's 68 uh anyway uh captain his young wife's in the back is that how old he is i must say on behalf of my uh dear wife that foster brooks made some comments about she is a lovely lady when we were married i will never forget on the wedding night she looked at me and went this is exciting in all honesty to all you married folks out there i say with from my heart my wife i married a valium uh a valium the guy in the back the puerto rican queen why what the what and the mexican guy went that's something your plan could dumb songs anyway by the way phyllis diller who i love really when when she was born she must have hit the hospital wall uh that's why the hair is you know she come on the doctor oh we missed charlie and i've seen many beautiful women in my lifetime phyllis help her she's a lovely comedian and a dear friend and a wonderful husband ward donovan couldn't be here tonight his cape blew up on the wedding night he stood on top of the sink and went batman anyway uh i can't i can say anything i want dan he and rowan's sitting here going you can't say that what am i gonna do were you invicted on your special and here he is charlie and his monkey anyway which wasn't bad because that'll be picked up anyway uh i'd like you to know that uh on behalf of my wife barbara my dear mother in florida who i love julie and i spoke to her on the phone tonight i said mom i'm going to be on dean martin's show and she said send him my love she used to know gabby hayes anyway but on behalf of my manager joseph skander one of the great italians really he's not here tonight his ice truck blew up on behalf of my manager mr skandori my darling wife barbara my mother my two children my mother-in-law and my family i have been blessed with one thing my humor is aggressive it is nonsense the new hearts are dear friends the roan and martins everybody on this day is tonight has made me feel a little bit important each day as an actor when you take an approach with an image of being aggressive and strong you must wake up every morning as my father said he said don when you're different your heart is open to a little ache but remember when you're different you might capture all the stars but the whole world will not rally around you but you have a chance of having them notice you so go home at night put your head on the pillow and thank god for where you've what you've attained and maybe god will look down and say hey i am grateful to you son for doing something different i like to think that i am different i like to think that the public will understand me if they do i am grateful to all of you i wish you what i have as i say in my performance when i appear people around you who care that's our show for tonight i'd like to thank our guests and a very special thanks to our man of the week don rickles a man who's free of all prejudices he hates everybody equally good night everybody i'm on the way home catherine and warm up the hot chocolate you

Channel: stan phillips

Views: 962,994

Rating: 4.6898756 out of 5

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Id: F_ND6T3D9xs

Length: 76min 56sec (4616 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 01 2014