Rich and Mike Talk: Disney's Han Solo Terrible Movie Ideas

hello I'm Mike and I'm Rick Evans and today we're here to talk to you about the new Han Solo standalone film that's right Disney Star Wars han solo solo film han Solo a Smuggler's tale or something stupid like that now we're not here to endlessly speculate about all the drama that's gone on behind the scenes like how original directors Phil Lord Christopher Miller were fired from the film after completing 98% of it and replaced with infamous Hollywood hack Ron Howard and that's not fake news or that the two lead actors were apparently so bad that they flew in a special acting coach just to show them how to act or how original screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan was furious with Lord and Miller for turning his serious dramatic Star Wars drama into a comedic farce complete with bark and queef jokes rich there's always going to be some kind of drama behind the scenes of these terrible Star Wars films but after the movie comes out they'll just deny it ever happened everybody was just friends behind the scenes and everything went fine it's all going to be lies lies but Mike if we're not here to pointlessly gossip about the film what are we here for well rich after the embarrassing Star Wars porn that was rogue one I can describe it in one word goosebumps I thought it might be fun for us to script our own Han Solo standalone film that's a great idea Mike we're not going to make predictions but we're going to come up with our own lousy ideas and see which ones make it into the terrible Han Solo film rich I love this idea I know well rich we both come back now and we have ideas for what we would do if we were hired or forced by gunpoint by Disney to make a Star Wars Han Solo standalone film we're going along the mindset that the film will be centered around everything that Han Solo has done in the three Star Wars films that people know or recognize well his entire life story before new hope is going to be condensed into 90 minutes but they're gonna they're going to start with kids han Solo briefly it'll be oh you think young Han so you gotta you gotta you gotta you gotta have been orphaned right yes Han Solo has to be an orphan why I just tragedy tragedy who becomes a smuggler unless you're orphaned right right when an epic smuggler great character of all time has to have amazing backstory can't just have parents who loved him but you know he wasn't the good in school so he kind of dropped out and he fell in with a bad crowd you can't do that okay his parents have to be like members of the rebellion who gets slaughtered by the Empire and and then this leaves han solo a little bit bitter towards causes okay causes just just get you killed I'm going a little deeper here his parents owned and operate their own transport vessel oh okay okay and they let Han Solo pilot it every now and then you know so he learns to become a pilot they're gonna have a scene where his dad gives him some advice it's gonna be on the bridge of the ship ha ha ha see you can tell him only to look out for himself the universe is a tough place on don't trust anyone here's my opening sequence after a little bit of establishment of Han and his parents yeah life is good transport ship they have people on board here comes a Star Destroyer and it's going to be the one I guess from the prequel era yeah maybe a little maybe your in between in between it'll just flat-out be the classic survives and so the Empire boards the ship and then they discover a bunch of hidden cargo and and smuggling [ __ ] underneath the floor okay because that's where Hans gonna learn to hide things under the floor yeah unbeknownst to Han his parents are secret smugglers so they got killed by the Empire the Empire and but Woody Harrelson is on board who plays a character named Skippy or woody and then he's going to he's going to take han and escape and he's going to essentially be the smuggler uncle okay the rescue Hana how it's going to be mrs. parents being killed by the Empire yeah yeah that's that's not too far from what I got I don't know if Woody Harrelson is going to be actually blood-related or just somebody who takes on under his wing but yeah he comes under the influence of of a smuggler Woody Harrelson who is going to wield Han Solo's famous blaster pistol oh okay so we're going back to where he got his blaster it's his blaster from Woody Harrelson okay on that note I have woody taken under his wing to a secret life of smuggling he gives him his famous smugglers Feist and says every good smuggler needs a good smugglers vest and he also he's wearing the Han vest yeah and it maybe maybe if it starts off with Han as a little kid the vest is a little big and then it does it does Indiana Jones but where you know when you got hard kid and they put the head on in d8 and then it tilts up and then in B's on the ship do you remember this do you know what the talk I don't know you're tired it's going to do that with Hani's going to where the smugglers West is going to be a little big it's going to look up and it's going to look up to Han 20 year old Han maybe he was ten then right now he's 20 and then he's going to go like this punched right in the face and then there's going to be some kind of smuggler brawl so we're going to jump from age 10 page 20 Woody Harrelson's been raised in the mountain yes so you think it's gonna be the best I I figure it might be a little bit subtler I think you know that that red stripe he's got along his pants oh I figure that's the the smuggler insignia oh that's got the red stripes a subtle little thing that the smugglers do you know you're in the business okay okay so we're going to break down he's going to wear the same clothes his entire life yes from from 10 years old to age 68 when he when he falls off a bridge after his son stabs him with the lightsaber never much cared for styles of clothing so rich it's time to talk about the plot I think we've set up our premise I went with the smuggler parents you went with uncle uncle woody woody an unfortunate man and now Han Solo is is living the life of a smuggler what's the plot he gets a job working for Java grito grito he gets a connection with like Guido and Guido introduces them to this fat slug and we're going to have the scene where we revisit Jabba's palace because we haven't seen that since you know Return of the Jedi I didn't think about Jabba's palace definitely Jabba's in the film yes I'm going with those job is a good guy oh he's good work for yes yeah but but I'm having that at the end I was working for Java at the end oh I have it completely the other way around okay I have him I have basically this woody has some kind of plot involving a big time heist which you know is the premise of most kind of crime movies yeah you need the big heist as the central point of the film I have the central point of the film being like be the cargo that Han Solo has to ditch that gets him in trouble with Java and the first oh you think Java is going to be trying to collect his money for 35 that'll be like the last egg no I I think I think they're gonna pull out to a road one it's going to end right where a new hope begins hmm that is stupid this doesn't items man's entire life his entire [ __ ] life is going to be condensed into 90 minutes you know you're probably right I think I'm not thinking stupid enough I'm thinking set up a couple things oh yeah and then leave yourself you can have six seven eight nine ten han Solo standalone films after this one but you're right it'll probably be like Rove one which is unfortunate see I'm thinking woody woody harrelson aka the mentor yeah will be someone who ends up becoming Shady and betraying Han the switcheroo is very common in most heist movies okay okay and that's where Hans gonna get a little more jaded I don't have that Bing woody I think I think what he's just gonna die I think the betrayal could have come from love interest Oh a love love interest is going to end up like secretly being like a rebel spy and then she's going to take off with the money to fund the rebellion she's going to do something like to benefit the rebellion at the expense of Han Solo amid film Han is going to get captured and this is where he's going to meet Chewbacca Chewbacca is gonna be a spice miner he's gonna be forced prison labor you know he's gonna be wearing the exact same style of handcuffs that he wore in a new hope while he's doing his digging and that's going to be wiped Ibaka hates those handcuffs in a new hope that's brilliant han Solo is going to unlock the customer not sure what he's just going to take the handcuffs and like throw them okay great great will there be a scene where a stormtrooper is like trying to put them on and they won't quite right right they won't go on all the way yeah okay how about this han Solo and and Chewbacca are thrown in an imperial prison together and we have a scene where that's the first time they meet Chewbacca's like in shadow yeah like Rim lit you know kind of like how he appears in the beginning of return and then here brew and then until was like oh my god you know there's a monster in here and then he comes out because mmm and the hunts of us I'm sorry what did you say that's good laughs moment yeah yeah and then they're stuck in the prison for four months oh wow you think it's gonna be months and then and then they bond okay I'm definitely thinking there's a scene where because we haven't seen this yet mm-hmm and they have to milk everything the floating ball with with the syringe on the end is going to come in with the truth serum and try and Vader's going to interrogate somebody with my theory of his entire life is 90 minutes the heist you're talking about it's going to all be centered around the spice mines of Kessel of course there's going to be the whole adventure is going to be an adventure on Planet Kessel where the spice mines are and there's going to be walkers on the surface of Kessel walking around but the whole film can take place in one location we have to go to nine different planets you understand the plan we definitely have to go to Cloud City okay and we definitely have to go to Tatooine because we have to go back to the masa Eisley cantina I I don't well yeah I think the canteen is going to be early early it's beginning of the film and at the end when he when he meets Java for the first time to get employed as a smuggler I don't know where they're going to work in Cloud City but I admit they have to do it you've got a lot of guts coming here because Lando's he's already going to be on Cloud City he's landing was done nothing but Cloud City no or Empire no I I disagree that's so terrible you might be right but I'm going to have to disagree Lando runs on Cloud City he's the administrator of a mining facility okay so that will mean that Lando will be will be digging around on Kessel oh this mining operation is going to be a budding entrepreneur running a mining operation on Kessel when it gets wrapped up in the smuggler game with Han Solo Lando is is a wild card in this definitely flying at first I thought Lando is going to be flying around in the Blenheim Falcon with Chewbacca yeah and Chewbacca kind of comes with the ship but I did do a little bit of Wikipedia research and I know that's all out the window at this point yeah it has Han rescuing Chewbacca from a space prison and Chewbacca owes him a life debt that's why he's best friends forever and I think that's just terrible usually would you call a life-debt I think it's more terrible than what will actually be in the film the bet that Han gets the Falcon from that's all going to be part of the same Kessel run heist it's all going to be tied together in the same [ __ ] thing um yes now let's let's just do the do the real story let's not the real story the Wikipedia version oh yeah yeah which um which is terrible the line in Empire is your ship eh remember you lost her to meet fair and square so of course nerds on the internet created the Wikipedia or nerds that wrote Star Wars books of course you won her from me must have been a bet yeah they never really say card game but that's what nerds wrote on the Internet sad Bach was a card game played in the galaxy ass a black duck comprised a number of base cards for suits 15 pip cards blah blah blah blah blah blah sab X special table in a suspension field subbox players flow with generally potential bog and regeneration welcome hero nice entire area unbelievable your ovarian busy the blocker and could only be with a fire under here oh there will be like a referee and solo kept the pair of golden dice used in that game that's boring and that's stupid but considering this is something that has never meant to be it was never meant to have been seen on screen I'm okay with Han Solo winning the Falcon in a space poker game but not in the movie no movies it's going to have to be more epic than that yes and by epic we're talking about the Kessel run the Kessel run this is just going off I'm adding some of the spaceman buddy you think like with meeting Lando and Castle because he's got the mining equipment they're going to make some kind of bet like they're during the heist like who gets out with the most spice who gets out fairest or something but the bet but that's going to be involved on the same Kessel run that the Falcon sets the record for the Kessel run was smuggler stealing Earth smuggling illegal spices from castles somewhere and it was it was an illegal trading route so it would be like the the ship that did it the fastest that's boring yes no no because a parsec is it a not a measurement of time it is a measurement of distance I think near the end of the film with with the people the Star Destroyers the Imperials going to be chasing Han Solo with Chewie and Lando and the girl and the Falcon from Kessel and he's going to try and lose them by flying close to a black hole which will condense the space allowing the Falcon to make the trip in less space thus a shorter distance while this Star Destroyer that's following them it's going to get too close and it's going to you're going to see it get sucked into the black hole it's going to like get ripped apart that's an interesting theory and that's almost too interesting and cool I think they're going to I think with the parsec acknowledgment it's going to be a wink wink okay okay I like your idea about distorting black hole tearing up our two Star Destroyer but I prayed that's a little too clever but they do like visual spectacle and that's visual spectacle speaking of visual spectacle my prediction for the Kessel run is a space drag race okay let me elaborate okay other than the pod race in episode 1 the Phantom Menace we haven't really had the ending the climax of a film be like like a like an exciting chase it's always been fighting the Empire gotta blow up the thing I think that the Kessel run will be the Kessel run but it's going to be a whole bunch of smugglers and different ships all racing through some kind of crazy complex on run and that's going to be the exciting ending and there's going to be a little bit of a twist Lando will be flying the bunting Falcon when it makes the Kessel run Oh is our sight it just says the ship that made the Kessel trip that made the Kessel run it's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs oh it's gonna be like whoa and I have a feeling that the Kessel run will tie in with with the exciting conclusion of the film yeah Han will be flying some other kind of spaceship it's gonna be like a junkie spaceship and he's gonna be like competing with Lando Lando is going to be kind of as like it's competition you're welcome and Lando's can be like [ __ ] you Han I'm going to go faster and faster and Hans gonna keep trying to catch him because he has to warn him about something like a bomb or the Empire's coming it's a trap all that stuff host will have young Admiral Ackbar in it Oh oh my god I didn't even think of this webinar I just thought about it he's a young Admiral Ackbar is going to be like like like a cool guy he's gonna have bell-bottoms and like like a like hip outfit he's going to be like you can have an earring and big earring yeah it's going to be a early phase of smuggling before he joined the military worked his way up to n roll in the next five years so all these different these different pilots are going to have their own ships and they're all we trying to make the Kessel run but there's gonna be some kind of plot involving bounty hunters and the empire and some kind of trap okay so it's Lando and Lando makes the Kessel run in 12 parsecs because he's trying to outrun Han Hans really not trying to beat him he's trying to warn them some bad spot to go down and it's going to be this exciting chase sequence it's going to end in some kind of space battle probably but there's going to be a big big space race because we haven't had a race in space they did this on an episode of Star Trek Voyager that go in there's like the space race with all these different like alien cultures may all have their own little like two seater crafts and Captain Janeway's likely gonna do it as a problem you're right cultural exchange rather than and something happened but it was just terrible wikipedia says he was born on the planet Karelia and then the Millennium Falcon is a Karelian YT class freighter or something like that yeah is where the Han Solo was born them for the same plant but some random ship that he flies later in life comes from is really confused han Solo said Corellia once and Star Wars fans have no creativity I've outrun Imperial starships not the local bulk cruisers mind you I'm talking about the big Corellian ships now so now han Solo is from Corellia hmm okay even though he won the ship from Lando it's coincidence okay it's like if you drive a Ford you're from Detroit yes okay yes I'm sorry I have a correction I I just said the Millenium Falcon was a whitey freighter it's technically a whitey - 1304 9 - 7 - 7 ze d you kind of get that right you gotta get that right I know what sounds so we're going to be flying beforehand something new they made up or what ship can they reference I thought of something so stupid he's flying slave one I thought that oh my are you [ __ ] part of that and then and then Boba Fett's feels it from yes that's the shipping and show yes it's so bad it's gonna we both have that so it's definitely going to happen that was just shoot but I didn't were to my father last night and I thought of it too terrible I had screenwriter thought of it as well Oh possibly Java will will have arranged the space race as a big kind of betting thing because Jabba was kind of overseeing the Padres in Episode one I I think even though this makes no sense in Jabba's palace he's going to have a trophy room full of people frozen in carbonite oh the people who have like failed him this could happen to you be careful those ideas let's talk about Carbonite I always interpreted the carbon-freezing room as some sort of like industrial things some probably like transport the gas they have to freeze it in the Carbonite instead of putting it in a container yes and they just like let's put a person in there but I predict that Lando Calrissian will have a Carbonite freezing gun that is so dumb it has to happen because maybe he later comes up with Carbonite freezing technology it's going to turn people in devotee you're going to get the whole bar are they just going to look like a massive it won't look the idol it'll be like the deliverable and they'll turn like that ugly Brown yeah yeah but it'll be all like jagged around the edges and stuff and won't have like the control panel and right that's the technology later on Tatooine Han will bump into a five year old boy and Han will say watch where you go and kid then a man off-screen will say come along Luke got to get back to your and Peru and then the audience will run off and hear a little bit of this weird phone with someone will bump into Han what watch were you born say I I don't think they can resist having this movie and exactly where Han Solo is at the cantina scene in the new hope the last shots going to be him sitting in this booth you think so while Chewbacca walks away to talk to an old man in a robe no no no no no no no they won't go so far as to have obi-wan talking about Herbie han Solo sitting in the booth and the exact same pose he's lounging in I think they're going to ignore the age difference I know oh god I'm on the fence about this I have a feeling they're definitely going to the moss eisely came to you and we're definitely going to see a lot of the same familiar faces we just in a band but Hana is going to get into like a bar fight and he's going to get his ass kicked and he it's going to be a really like night and day example of Han before you know [ __ ] the place up and flips the bartender a coin yeah nobody messes with them to Jung Han out of his element kind of like how Lucas keyed up by the guy with the fucked-up face yeah yeah you know like yeah you don't belong here you got a lot to learn kid that kind of thing yeah I'm gonna get his ass kicked by I want to say it's the same guy they just did him in row 1 it's going to be like hammerhead it's going to be somebody else Wolfman well they don't you saw they big CG it out and though it's going to be some creature that beats up hon maybe he'll run into Lando here there's a whole lot of abilities and the Empire Strikes Back when the mining Falcon lands inside the belly of the space monster han Solo goes oh my knock it shows he's familiar with my knock-knock cheeri check the rest of the ship make sure they're no more attached am i not be in this film they might be in the spice mines okay the spice mines will be full of mine axe okay and I've got a couple like they'll have a scene where they have to run from my knocks all right lying everywhere though they'll be running from someone and might actually like like shoot the wall and the Minot's will fly down and they'll fly in like stormtroopers face escape I got caught up in the engine never like that right all this chick was trying to get them yeah my not sucked into the engine one more like startle them early on in the castle sequence and then in the later on he'll he'll use that knowledge to his advantage very good very good but III think the most important thing is that all of the famous aspects of Han Solo of winning the Millennium Falcon from Lando the Kessel run and the the cargo that Han Solo loses that angers Jabba all the same adventure there's got to be some kind of like Jedi thing here somewhere right I have an idea like someone they escaped with from the spice mines one of the prisoners was a Jedi who got imprisoned after the Clone Wars so they have an excuse for him to whip out a lightsaber at some point he'll have to die during the adventure but they meet a Jedi on Kessel that's terrible oh that's how we could tie Vader into the plot okay and hunt them down one of those last okay maybe Han Solo has to smuggle a Jedi that's the cargo that he's got to go to Kessel for it's not really the spice that's just a little side thing but they have better he's hired to rescue the Jedi who's imprisoned the Jedi is in like a spacious chamber and Han Solo's trying to get him to Tatooine it's the stasis chamber Carbonite oh my god is there going to be a sequence what they have to free I was frozen in carbonite yes yes okay they got to get this Jedi to tattooing because the Jedi wants to talk to OB 100 and now I'm talking about a Ewan McGregor cameo yeah I searched the prison to the Jedi I'm kissing the Lord leader he's hiding in this space amazed that I will get him and kill him with my lightsaber hahaha be careful lord Vader there are lots of smugglers they may try to smuggle him out for a price I understand the premise of the film my master that or I was thinking that amongst all the the stolen smuggled goods there is an old lightsaber that perhaps was owned by a Jedi one random Jedi but has somehow been dispersed through the galaxy and Han Solo picks it up and uses it during one scene awkwardly because we learn an empire that Han Solo does indeed know how to turn on and use Luke's lightsaber so Han Solo will pick it up and use it awkwardly because he has to it'll be an inverse obi-wan Kenobi scene in Revenge of the Sith when obi-wan is without his lightsaber and has to use a blaster so uncivilized and I'll use it maybe it'll be real bad with it I'll just throw it away and write prefer a blaster reverse it up he'll be fighting a baby rancor and his blaster will get knocked out of his hand and he'll knock over a bin of stuff and it'll be there I got it there's gonna be a rancor cave on Kissel so this will be where they get this weird Java gets his rancor he'll take one of the rancor with it yeah we'll get a younger version of the big beer belly guy raising the rancor and javis here mmm how much was the ring [Laughter] so in Jedi little does Hondo that the rancor that he fought years ago is downstairs of the basement of Jabba's palace nice pet you got there we'll say that to the guy yeah your gums are wrinkled we hear it well that's that's that's a--that's a bait-and-switch for the audience we hear we hear the roar of a rancor and han goes like this and then we have a shot and then the camera pans down and we see a little bit it's just a baby and then it starts running at him really fast he goes right so the Jedi angle then is either smuggling a Jedi in carbonite because good Lando shows on how to the carbon-free somebody he kind of any life signs we got a phrasing let's use my Carbonite freezing gun he survives the freezing process there's this guy named Kenobi on Tatooine he wants to reach him for some reason we got to smuggle them through the Kessel run job is doing that big race it's the perfect time there'll be so many other ships going since the presence of Ag Day and Kissel it's done we got it got it we got it got it Leonov gentlemen we got it at least we got a bunch of ideas we are we are we're 95% correct I could feel it and and well you know what we'll throw in the Jedi at Carbonite smuggling plot and we'll also have a scene where Han Solo awkwardly uses the lightsaber don't fight off a baby rank or if that's going to be unlike the jedis possession that's where he gets the the drone it's got its got its got all of his personal effects okay yeah what's this lousy thing I'm kind of sward I'll take a good old blaster any day it's too perfect yeah I want I know I want to see this film I went into this having absolutely no interest at all and now it's not the movie of the year [Music] [Music]

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,925,394

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, best of the worst, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans, star wars, han solo, disney

Id: kjEd3DpH_e0

Length: 31min 41sec (1901 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 18 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/Ezren848]

I don't think I've ever seen Mike as happy as he was when he thought of the Slave-1 idea.

[u/Tbird555]

I'm down with the Space drag race. I hope Kessel has a Space Drive-in where all the Space greasers meet up in all their tricked out Space ships.

[u/goonygorilla777]

I look foward to seeing the dark and gritty origin story of Han Solo's pants in this upcoming film that had absolutely no behind the scenes drama.

[u/Kim_Jong_Unko]

That last shot juxtaposed "edited by Mike" was perfect

[u/notbarrackobama]

Just imagine that the Empire has to win the Kessel run space race like Grease or some stupid shit and they enter a Star Destroyer as their contestant. That would be hysterical.

[u/chappinn]

Mike and Rich talking Star Wars shit for 31:40 minutes.

I'm gonna cum!

[u/tcoogan15]

I hope young Admiral Ackbar's earring is a fish hook

[u/JPaverage]

Why does Rich keep saying 90 minutes? Don't he know that all the best movies are at least 2 hrs and 40 minutes?

[u/[deleted]]

What if Han and his love interest are talking about their future and the topic of having kids gets brought up Han will say "I'd rather get stabbed with a lightsaber and thrown over a railing then have kids".

Also, we have to have that one moment where Han sees the Falcon for the first time he remarks "What a piece of junk!"