r/FACEPALM TOP OF ALL TIME

[Music] fox news and facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us i'll stick to the nintendo wear a mask don't tell me twice joe might as well carry a purse with that mask joe hey fellas is it gay to survive a pandemic [Music] oh i mean yeah just a little bit but it's okay i've been informed by several angry twitter people that if i support folks tearing down statues of christopher columbus i should also support the tear down of statues of the muslim prophet muhammad as a muslim i say go right ahead and tear down every single statue of muhammad because here's here's here's a fun fact that i just learned uh so i i had to double google to make sure i was right um yeah no if you're muslim you're gonna say yeah tear that tear that down it's defensive like the whole thought behind it is it's thought to encourage the worship of idols and they're like nah oh nice argument twitter morons hey jackass we use pyro in this country um wales is an australian magazine we use metric measurements okay look buddy you're on the internet which is american therefore you can use american the best way did who wrote this comment therefore you can use american the best measurements you're on the internet okay which is american obviously therefore you can use american the best measurements we have inches and centimeters and feet [Laughter] actually the world wide web was first developed in cern i don't blame you for not knowing that though you're apparently an american got him dude got him roasted and toasted uh if vaccines were healthy you could put it on a spoon and eat it try it you'll oh this is a classic post try it you'll die a uh if broccoli was healthy you could put it in a syringe and inject it into your bloodstream try it you'll die i mean he's got a point dude the dead ass used getty images photos of a shark and cropped it under their poster the dcu is a joke uh that's what stock photos are for do you think they actually photograph the dude chillin with sharks you're a dumb dumb dummy dum dum person i'll get people like bezos if i had billions of dollars i would impulsively start fixing stuff homeless vets i don't think so hungry children not on my watch he could be batman what a waste this is what bill gates did start doing with his money now internet morons blame him for every conspiracy they can think of and he's still not batman bill gates malaria not on my watch starving africans i don't think so in coming global pandemic hope i could teach people how to avert it brainless bill gates wants to spy on everyone and started coving 19. you know how i know the nine is merely an inverted upside down g a g for gates hey uh i fixed your wi-fi no you didn't yes i did well how come my home wi-fi isn't showing because you're not at home stupid ass people i deal with yeah drive 10 miles tell me if it picks up ex houston police officer said he was in dc during the pro-trump riot for business attended the president's rally on a whim and did not enter the capitol building that's when an fbi agent showed him his own deleted images and videos from inside the capitol rotunda on january 6th that was his business these bomb-ass canadians don't even have cash app i like that that's a sign of how well you're doing with an idea of cash app uh universal healthcare anybody 18 years anybody at 18 years of age can vote a multi-party political system during the pandemic two thousand dollars a month was given to impacted workers wheat is legal and instead of cash app we have e-transfer which is free eats poutine in peace millionaire makes 20 million dollars in 2020 millionaire hires artists to make art for 25k artist puts one streak on canvas millionaire thanks artist and has art appraised by an appraiser in his same circle of friends appraiser values artwork at 20 million millionaire donates 20 million artwork to a museum to get a 20 million tax write-off and the millionaire therefore pays no taxes in 2020. all right not okay i'm understanding so far me at museum this is stupid it's just a line on a canvas hipster next to me nah you just don't understand it because you're uncultured because you're not making 20 million in 2020 capitalism what you know about it clearly not enough just to prove that the election was rigged who really won sleepy joe donald trump american flag red white and blue 90 overwhelming majority for trump democrats are cheating in this poll too this is unbelievable i saw a job post the other day it required four plus years of experience and fast api i couldn't apply as i only have 1.5 plus years of experience since i created that thing maybe it's time to re-evaluate that years of experience equal skill level i developed fast api and i couldn't even apply for the job unbelievable people say well what do people do before vaccines slash antibiotics pasteurization as if that's an argument for going natural they died carol a lot of people died that's what happened well if the lord wants what he wants no no is america in a better place than we were four years ago yes i'm doing much better i'm literally making four times as much as i was making when obama was president what do you do i work for a debt relief company oh but oh no i've been called a lot of names and accused of a lot of things by er patients but it's surreal to have a patient accuse me of falsifying their covet result because they don't believe the virus is real as i'm actively trying to keep them from dying from multi-organ failure from coven just on the bed pull the plug i'll rather die before i take your dead bill gates virus the nine is an inverted g [Music] [Laughter] i put on a mask and literally within seconds i'm struggling to breathe well the surgeon who wore a mask for six hours to reconstruct my knee thinks maybe you're lying and also a drama queen oh boy can't wait to get my 600 stimulus check and immediately send it to a credit card company where it will disappear without a trace and not stimulate i plan to use 400 to open a restaurant the wrestler uses down payment on a house the lego house how you i use that 200 for that you too could beat coven at first sign helicopter that's the best hospital check into a six-room suite and get 24-hour team service get the newest drugs and treatments return home to full-time in-house medical staff and facility have your government pay all the bills then tell everybody how easy it is sounds like something that happened didn't it not only do masks reduce your o2 and increase your co2 intakes which makes your wheeze of gas but they also provide perfect warm damp breeding grounds for pathogens to breathe in that will progressively make you ill for those who want more respiratory illnesses job done absolutely none of that is true and there are exact qualifications for stating that are uh a degree in medicine and the fellowship of the royal college of anesthesia for which i was examined in respiratory physiology and the mechanics of gas transfer what are yours infowars you know americans are actually just gonna go extinct when they're putting in ventilation grills into their into their masks i mean she's wearing it wrong anyway aren't the sides supposed to not stick out like that i don't know there are two types of people in this world those who extrapolate from incomplete data so two of my classmates just asked a professor for sure it's missing a second part nah it's a joke get it atheists if god isn't real how do you explain walking on water can you walk on water like jesus yeah show me a video of you walking on water i need to you just need to have faith that i did not what you all about anyway i accidentally hit the language button on my remote last night and watched family guy in spanish for 10 minutes thinking it was a weird joke to be fair that seems like something they would do i don't blame you for that man i'm a black cop on the scene of a shooting one night using a flashlight to look for a bullet casing between houses to collect as evidence dispatch gets a call of a suspicious looking black male and quote police clothes using a flashlight to look into people's houses damn oh there's not even a joke for that that's just awful the power went out on halloween so my friend and i still wanted to make tea we had to do this took 40 minutes but it worked but it's gas not electric you could have left the burner with a lighter i'm just saying you're apparently not on halloween you were almost murdered my friend the ghosts took you for for a haunting millennial dads have pathetic diy skills compared to baby boomers oh yeah well baby boomers have pathetic blacksmithing skills compared to 9th century saxons alright i got dumped for having red hair my boyfriend's mom didn't want to risk having ginger grandchildren so she made him dump me he married a bond and had two ginger kids karma my kids are blonde the mom gets what she deserves if i have a medical emergency don't you dare call an ambulance y'all better uber my ass to the hospital because we're not about to pay five thousand bucks for riding the wii u wagon everyone outside of the usa what the hell are you you're gonna pay 5 000 for a ride in the wee wagon tough you weren't socialized medicine tell me again about how good canadian health care is tell me about the wait times for serious medical procedures did you guys learn anything from the complete failure of obamacare my husband needed brain surgery world-class neurosurgeons removed a wedge of his skull used lasers to remove scar tissue on his temporal lobe and then put his skull back together my biggest expenses were parking and snacks for stress eating so yeah no i think it worked with his handmade keychains that go for five dollars each this eight-year-old boy raised four thousand fifteen dollars to erase the lunch debt of students from a school and six others so he like helped seven schools or did he help just six people i don't know either way that's amazing but what this really should say is that an eight-year-old does months of manual labor so his friends who are children can afford to eat without going in the debt that's what the article should say but america i know the more jokes you know about america being kind of sh people gonna be like i don't like it leave no i'm lazy like comparatively i'm doing just fine but i can recognize that it's crappy for other people you know and then do something to help with that in any way i can you know i think that's like a a general like you can recognize it and then oh whatever i'm going on a tangent fauchy wearing two masks is better than one i'm old enough to remember when he said masks don't work at all hey yo blair white this you normally changing your opinion upon receiving new information it won't kill you i promise you know what will kill you though not wearing a mask and going into a highly populated area imagine living in a country without universal health care then a pandemic kits in the government still doesn't try to do universal health care [Music] i don't know what you're talking about welcome to clowning on america for 20 minutes a hospital cancels an elderly patient's covet vaccine appointment because he has an outstanding medical debt of two hundred and forty three dollars this is gonna piss me off but it's gonna make me mad man i can already feel my blood boil a little bit kendall jenner ate grilled cheese fries crepes and more before hitting the met gala red carpet now that is bravery what who wrote this bring me who wrote this i just want to talk i live in syria and this story gave me the strength to carry on thank you for sharing her story of eating food before going to a public event this is a mask this is a chin guard nobody told you to wear a chin guard wear a mask yeah no where where am i that he's not wrong wear one it's pretend it's halloween and your your costume is a surgeon fbi raids brooklyn man's home after he hoarded over 5 000 boxes of n95 masks and was trying to sell them at 700 markup cool none of the insulin manufacturers next oh nasi guevara that's uh that's what you call an industry we can't mess with our capitalism oh no man i i i i wish we went back to the barter system give me two chicken i want two chicken i'm not allowed back in lebanon i was banned from the middle east which is crazy because they're the ones who watch my videos the most statistically muslim countries consume more porn than anyone else the men who were yelling at me are the same men who are clicking on me i thought that was interesting the united states developed into riots again sad obama needs to resign a real leader does not let the country fall this low by the way in a couple of years they're gonna have this funky little speech and then we're gonna all check her take a walk we'll go to washington dc go to the capitol me and all of us all of my all my friends all my rowdy friends from college oh man cannot believe that dude got uh impeached twice history my kids history books are gonna look really weird when we get to the donald trump chapter if you use facial recognition for anything the government has your face lol hey yo wait until you find out about driver licenses i've known people that wear a mask religiously and have still gotten the virus oh yeah i've known people who obey speed limits and traffic lights still get into car accidents people who didn't smoke get lung cancer how many helmeted kids get hurt on bikes the fact that no safety precaution is 100 effective is not an excuse to act irresponsibly with your profile picture of a shocked looking man no i'm shocked japan has less than 1 000 kovat deaths they never went into full economic shutdown they have an unemployment rate of 2.6 percent how'd they do it virtually everybody wears a mask americans have no idea how freaking stupid they look on the world stage on the world stage were the janitors trump tells fox news radio he didn't retreat into white house bunker for protection from potential intruders but instead to examine the place it was much more of an inspection no no see your honor i didn't myself i was testing the capacity of my pants that's all my girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the 70 dollars she wanted to spend on adopting a koala bear from the australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear like they would just fedex that to us and not just her become a sponsor you don't want a koala bear first of all hey yo send her a drop bear [Laughter] send her a drop bear send her some manzamite and a note that says good luck [Laughter] one time i was like to practice and coach made me run lamps my dad was the coach and he drove me to practice but i had to run laps because i was late whatever all right cool whatever sure i spent 50 years of my life studying viruses just so i could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks that was my career goal five decades of hard work blood sweat and tears went into a funny prank maga themed wedding pays tribute to trump how empty is your life when you make your wedding about another man not even the man you're marrying all right the four covet personality types spotted at a local grocery store one believes in science one denies science one doesn't understand science and the final believes in magic because of male in balance 2020 would be the most rigged election in our nation's history unless this stupidity has ended okay believe me we voted during world war one in world war ii with no problem but now they're using covert in order to cheat by using melons wait donnie do you believe world war one and world war ii were fought on our shores are you aware that the men serving abroad in those wars voted by mail trump you you know this this is a what do you think they took a timeout a person infected with measles went to a portland trailblazers game last week and got 22 people infected the year is 2019 not 1819 and this happened no way i can do this but someone should count the number of times obama uses the term i in his ridiculous 700 page book we might have here the greatest egoist of all time at least outside of lunatic asylums oh no what kind of monster writes their memoir in the first person you make a great point but the usps is viewed favorably by 91 percent of americans despite billions in losses annually uh it's a service it doesn't lose money it costs money no one says the military loses 750 billion a year i'ma start saying that i'm just wondering one of these televangelists have been showing up at hospitals and performing miracles on all the coronavirus patients don't let kenneth copeland do it'll zap your youth why does it look like that for every single one all televangelists look like they like survive off of the life force of other people reaching their hand out that touch your forehead you instantly age one wrinkle goes away on kenneth copeland's forehead and he goes the bank says i can't afford a 950 mortgage so i pay 1400 bucks a month in rent instead i figured that works out why do i need an ar-15 because someday the government may tell me i'm not allowed to put my sick son on a plane and fly to italy for treatment and believe me when i tell you i will be putting them on that plane i need an air 15 in case i need to hijack a plane to fly my son to a country's socialized health care is currently my favorite take on gun ownership because it completely avoids the real problem at hand with what you're stating drop the ar-15 and open up healthcare for everybody for free my sister started 8th grade and it's all on zoom and today she got in trouble because she got him to get water during class as she's getting yelled at she looks at me and says how does [ __ ] go to me i can't get water in my own house hey fair enough during this pandemic you really see who your real friends are who's checking up on you making sure you're okay remember that when this is all over you know i feel like we need to constantly remind ourselves that the entire world does not revolve around us testing people's loyalties during a pandemic is narcissistic at best narcissistic got worse you're a terrible person use this metric system uses metric system uses metric system all of them but only one's been to the moon uh you know that nasa uses the metric system but they didn't go to the moon america did says the donald trump jr facebook post i feel like that'd be a legitimate counter argument he would make i don't know i just i see it today i learned that new zealand let health experts make the decisions about how to deal with the pandemic rather than politicians and as of today they have zero covet cases wow it's almost as if science and common sense works that was in july of 20 wow makes me jealous makes me jealous last week my daughter was sent home from school to change a pair of shorts she was wearing these said were too short this week the health district issued a mandatory mask in public order and school said they don't have anything they can do for non-compliance i mean like sending them home wishing all our loved ones neighbors and friends across the country lighting their first kindle night at beautiful happy hanukkah oh what's wrong with wishing us a merry christmas uh because it's the first time to hanukkah not christmas yet it's the 10th buddy so christmas is a month-long occasion starts in november school boards we don't have the power to enforce a mask policy on students also school boards no dreadlocks no haircuts with designs no distracting hair colors no visible shoulders no bra strap showing no knees showing no open-toe shoes no political shirts you get the point it's been an interesting day to anyone frustrated with the robin hood investment app i'm not the ceo you're looking for work wrong guy wrong guy everybody oops norway is the happiest country in the world what's the secret wow i can't believe that a wealthy country with free health care and education high wages a strong middle class and a nearly a month paid vacation time by law is happy unbelievable if you're having a bad day remember that we unloaded 6 000 breaks on the wrong address was that some holland in the back it looked a little bit like him at first yo tom you training for the new movie this morning the young barista woman told me that a customer came in with a mask but not wearing it when she asked the customer to put on her mask please the woman said why there's no one in here that customer not seeing the barista as a someone very much stretched to my anecdotal experience of non-mask squares that that about tracks yeah barbara shaves triangle in the man's hair after he pauses video of a model he wanted to look like oh well now you look like a walking youtube video hell yeah imagine being bill gates right now you spend 30 years of your life in 50 billion dollars of your own money supporting humanitarian causes you directly save hundreds of thousands of lives in southeast asia by providing anti-malaria netting to half of a continent you drop infant mortality rates throughout the entire developing world by funding vaccine programs including vaccinating 40 million children for polio and amongst a plethora of philanthropic endeavors you fund free education platforms like khan academy so people can have free access to high quality education then after donating half of your wealth to charity and pledging 90 of the remainder to charity in your will arguably doing more to better life on earth for humanity than any other human being to ever live you hop on the internet only to find a million scientifically illiterate imbeciles that are using the very computers you pretty much invented in the first place to call you a child murdering archeville and antichrist because they watch a youtube video made by some other yoco with a comprehension of a potato imagine being bill gates christians and muslims are brothers and sisters and we must act as such why don't you ask muslims to convert to christianity please read john 14 6 yo did you just seriously ask the pope to read the bible when i was 17 i worked at a bagel place and each night we loaded dumpsters of bagels from the day a homeless man came in and asked for a bagel and rather than throw them out i gave him a few in a plastic bag my boss reviewed the cameras and fired me for quote feeding the animals and that is what radicalized me i paid 2 000 a month in rent for my family's health i made every payment on time during covid a mistake made either by me or the payment system i really don't know caused me to underpay my rent this month by fifty one cents i just received a letter from my rental company threatening eviction unless i pay my balance immediately my property management company is starting to kick me and my family out of my home for point zero one percent of my rent but i still have to wait two weeks for them to fix a sink so glad that there's that standard hey how you gonna be called rob hood then start shutting down when robin hood stuff starts happening huh weirdos in light of current market volatility we are restricting transactions for certain securities position closing only including amc and gme hey yo is this you you said let the people trade in 2016 is that you dwayne the rock johnson recently told people that he decided to watch moana with his four-year-old daughter jasmine and was extremely excited to reveal to her that he voiced maui i said you know that's daddy's voice and i'm gonna show you maui starts singing and then i start singing and within 10 seconds she's trying to put a pillow over my mouth and says you're ruining the song yeah quiet down dwayne you're ruining the song man scoop the wisconsin pharmacist who sabotaged 500 doses of the mardona moderna moderna chronovirus vaccine also believes the earth is flat and the sky is actually a shield put up by the government to prevent individuals from seeing god what a nut case oh my god oh he looks creepy how you gonna say all lives matter when just two months ago you wanted to sacrifice your grandma for the economy weirdos wouldn't it be nice if pro-lifers focused on suicide prevention surrounding the death penalty or fighting poverty or curbing hunger or stopping gun violence and police killings or combating the opioid epidemic or ending wars you know things that would actually save lives yeah me too friends i'm desperate here i am a newly non-vaccinator and i want to write about vaccination dangers for my final thesis in college however i have to use scholarly journals etc as my sources when i search deep into gsu's library every article seems to be pro-vax and nothing supporting my argument does anyone have some scholarly docs that i can use to prove my point effectively thank you all you know the fact that you can't find any journals to back up your viewpoint may suggest you need to reassess your viewpoints no i'm not wrong the archives are incomplete schools are saying we can't enforce mask wearing as if they haven't forced girls to cover up for decades if you could send me home for wearing a tank top you can send someone home for not wearing a mask that's true it's real that's real this is the standard vaccine composition which of these chemicals do you object to having in your body and then he lists a bunch of chemicals and this person goes all of them really because i've just given you the chemical composition of an apple which is living testimony to the fact that anti-vaxxers aren't qualified to know what they're scared of thought you should know that don't bother calling for takeout they you on hold never come back i'm sorry for your inconvenience the server taking your order had a seizure while doing so and couldn't complete the process when you showed up to retrieve your order and it wasn't ready even though there was an ambulance in front of the restaurant and we were tending to the medical emergency at hand we offered to complete your order at that time i'm sorry that you declined and chose to complain in a public forum van oh man i'm in my fist clunch up man people are oh facepalm showcases the worst in people i think angela merkel has a doctorate for her thesis on quantum chemistry our president called her stupid but stewart is he needs two hands to sit from a small glass if you want 15 minimum wage don't complain when your talk about order costs 38 bucks for a burrito the most expensive taco bell burrito in washington dc where the minimum wage is already 15 bucks costs 3.79 jordan rachel you [ __ ] you dolt you dingus when you're five years old that's your first day of school ever and they expect you to know how to read type and send emails now you can just stare at the screen like monkey i have lived next to the same guy for three years thought his name was steve i call him steve his name is steve on my phone i've been to his apartment we've had dinner his name is brian his dog is steve you had dinner with the dog my boyfriend turned down five fully paid scholarships just to stay here with me i really love this man so much yo your boyfriend dumb as hell he turned down five fully paid scholarships i know if my girlfriend had gotten any sort of fully paid scholarship i would be like do it you know pursue that i'm not gonna i'm not gonna test your loyalty to me by whether or not you're gonna turn down a good opportunity to pursue the further your life that's stupid a georgia high school suspended two students who are posting photos of crowded hallways with not a mask in sight when someone praises socialism oh hey i'm an owl expert here uh known as an ornithologist the owl is in fact orgasming thanks thanks for the info yahoo refuses to buy google for 1 million dollars in 1998. in 2002 yahoo realizes its mistake and tries to buy google for 3 billion google says give us 5 billion and yahoo says no in 2008 yahoo refuses to be sold to microsoft for 40 billion dollars in 2016 yahoo sold the verizon for 4.6 billion don't be like yahoo don't be too stubborn if you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before a cove at 19 but of course we don't believe in doctors do we bernie sanders should be forced to give away 90 of his birthday cake hashtag happy birthday bernie actually this is how birthday cakes work when you have friends give away a lot of it don't buy goodyear tires stevenage to bear it on manga hats get better tires for less this is what the radical left democrats do two can play the same game we have to start playing it now well goodyear's chief competitors are fire sound slash bridgestone uh continental michelin and pirelli so you're saying buy anything but american okay all right which addiction is yours [Music] god i just love uber too much i cannot stop ordering ubers to my house and having them join me to the nearest bus stop and calling another uber to go to the next one just ah it's a rush uber each just spent 5.5 million plus whatever it costs to get cardi b mike myers and dana carvey to tell us to support local restaurants while putting local restaurants out of business by charging him 30 delivery fees nice hi excuse me i just found out that the professor for this online course i'm taking died in 2019 and he's technically still giving classes since he's literally my professor for this course and i'm learning from lectures recorded before his passing it's a great class but what ghost professor after seeing half a country actively reject wearing a mask during a pandemic i would like to apologize to the filmmakers of every horror movie ever made for calling their characters unbelievably dumb for going into the murder basement turns out that's exactly what we would do people who leave their phone set to military time are freaking war criminals how do you look at 1605 and go wow i can't understand that bootlickers what's next you gonna join the army recruit me americans be like okay i can't count past 12 actually yeah i can't so what call me out on that i am literally locked inside a 24-hour fitness right now they closed the doors and went home while i was swimming laps in the pool doesn't the name suggest they stay open 24 hours walking around trying to figure out how to get out i called sandy dispatch they told me they'd call me back i called my wife she said find a comfortable place to sleep what would i do if i was locked inside a 24-hour fitness what what would i eat are those at 24-hour fitnesses my brianna's gave me a brilliant idea i would have i would have sustenance and i would have all the time in the world to get freaking swole i would break the doors what are they gonna do i consumed all of their whey protein outdoor yoga and a dome pop-up coming in toronto so we just let the homeless sleep in the rain and snow because why when we have these domes here all right whatever i remember seeing this i remember back in november when that white dude tried to like post about being a black gay guy was clearly meant for an altar count he had i'm a black gay guy and i can personally say that obama did nothing for me my life only changed a little bit and it was for the worse everything is so much better under trump though i feel respected which i never do when democrats are involved by the way my name is dean browning i'm a white guy everyone makes mistakes says teen who kicked old man into river he just made the mistake of walking in front of my leg while i was kicking i don't know what happened all right let me pull them covers off there we go you know i took the diagnostic a couple of weeks ago and it said an iq of 512. did you tell someone about it that sounds very important ainsley earhart proudly remembers the time that the united states quote defeated communist japan proving we are truly a great country fox news is informing viewers that our troops defeated quote communist japan we feel 20 more stupid just having typed that back to you how about you just shove it in there yeah just like that perfect yeah just like that ah hey um which one of my favorite australian editors are editing this one what does it say can you tell me i can't read that i can't find my house keys i found them where in the bathroom well technically in my pocket while i was in the bathroom if we're being super technical but i found them you're welcome water one mile water one kilometer americans the my home the mile i know miles uh but the americans are right a mile is less than a kilometer a mile is 1.6 kilometers uh oh no that does make sense okay okay i get it my brain my brain was like so if i went if i went a mile i've gone 1.6 kilometers oh yeah this is okay this is confusing my brain no a mile is longer than a kilometer idiot you're a dirt idiot and you make me feel stupid that i had to google it how dare you here's an exchange that i'm currently having with my landlord hey uh the hot water's broken how can you send me some photos well it looks like this but it's not hot what do you mean send me some photos the hot water isn't working cloaked in the fur of their slaughtered brethren i think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how yarn is made my friend hello lovely it's spelled mom not mum actually it could be spelt as mum or mom british english is a thing no my lovely don't call my you're lovely and it's a fact that it can be spelt as mom or mom uh it's mom lovely damn y'all are about to make me start saying mom instead of mom sheesh over this argument little no lovely it's not true like that that was so passive aggressive they were like you knew that like you wanted to say go yourself but we're just being too polite about it republican gohmert what a name asks whether federal agencies can fix climate change by altering orbit of the earth and moon dream big gomer dream big you know i just saw this i guess it's safe this way what's what's going on here through the through the wheel ain't no one taking that moped joe biden shoots away pesky chica and that is that is all the news we have for today it might be slow but hey now i know that biden is at least a bug hater he hates bugs and bugs are part of nature and so joe biden hates nature that's all i'm saying bro do you know newton's second law dude i'm a science student bro not a law student how dare you ask me that kind of bro you kidding me newton's second law i don't know uh go read a law book maybe straight up thought my burger had a sticker that said no [Laughter] that said yo on and asked an employee what it meant i just i didn't know ufc fighter does photo shoot with shorts on backwards that's okay why does he look like he's about to cry as jacob leandro pointed out today i learned a woman named pamela cramier died at a gender reveal party after her family members feel the steel umbrella stand with gunpowder but instead of emitting a shower of sparks the metal pipe could not take the over pressure acting like a pipe bomb it's an accident yay [Music] goodbye plastic bags hello plastic bag drive carefully this is our pop pop your pop pop look at me ram into the back of your car your elantra every second someone dies every second someone is born so why isn't our population zero because this is not how you forgot the whole in-between of living got that whole part that can last anywhere from one to like 100 years hi boss yes i'm pregnant what so i need a few days leave now to discuss this with my boyfriend please approve my leave hey how about you please first discuss this with my wife she read your first couple of messages and why can't you type all this in one message my wife wanted to clothesline me unbelievable sorry that was my wall street bats it's sure weird how depression and anxiety are huge problems for young people in a society where everything costs more every year and every single human act gets monetized on a planet that is boiling alive yeah it must be a coincidence oh my poor parents bought me a pride balloon for my graduation because they thought it meant they were proud of me it's the thought that counts oh my god brick is just sleeping at my feet you good dude you okay you are so sleepy you're just a sleepiest boy brick he's so tired millennials aren't buying diamonds why uh you know too busy filling out job applications that ask them to attach their resume and then what's on that same resume on the next page and it's a whole thing the space force is unsure of who the good guys are in star wars oh boy well that that's off to a bad start if you are stolen call the police at once you're welcome i forgot to take my mask off in the sun and now i have tan lines hey bro those are some sick ass tan lines [Laughter] now you know exactly how to apply your mask i'm straight but that's incredible yo hey fellas is it gay to like sunsets nah all those people are equal nonsense oh wait what hold on all this people are equal nonsense is because we are led by women and they are socialists and men are merit-based men will say steve is the fastest and kicks the ball furthest let's make him the captain women will say jane is the best looking and fastest swimmer tell everyone she has herpes didn't a comedian make this joke i'm pretty this reads exactly like a in a much better way but this is this reads like a joke a comedian said if i find it i'll i'll i'll mention it in the comments but i'm pretty sure this was a comedian said you're not you're not original pal prize winner amelia wanted us to point out that her teardrop tattoo is not because she murdered anyone she accidentally killed a pedestrian once after falling asleep at the wheel and got the tattoo to honor their memory all the while wearing a truck [Laughter] next week they're entering the amy schumer look-alike contest for five hundred dollars america got americans brainwashed they could live in the dream dude my friends in the uk get like three months of vacation a year just traveling and laughing living the dream part of the capitalist machine let's go baby pay the working people the extra 300 a week and see how fast the unemployed get employed that's actually what we're trying to have happen that's that's actually the problem you've pointed it out perfectly thank you parents kids are more depressed these days i wonder why kids you destroyed the economy for us the earth is literally dying we are going to work until we die and on top of that the nazis are back ah it's those pesky iphones i got dumped for having red hair my boyfriend's mom didn't want to risk having ginger grandchildren so she made him dump me he married a blonde and had two ginger kids karma my kids are blonde get absolutely rammed buddy turns out my red is deception oh you tried to you tried to keep yourself anonymous but the news failed you oh i'm so sorry [Laughter] a swing and a miss from images that are unbelievably cringe i love twitter accounts like these i can make an entire like series of videos going through these twitter accounts because they're so i love these like niche or niche i don't know you want to pronounce it but i love these niche little twitter accounts for my favorite things online why the f is there a birthday candle for zero nobody turned zero years old uh buddy i hate to break it to you but uh when they're in the womb pal give them a cake right before the birth like right before you go to the hospital when the water breaks right there cake right there balenciaga and crocs unveil their newest collab stiletto clogs and platform rain boots slated for 2022 would you buy it uh yes just because it's made of rubber doesn't mean i won't feel fancy wearing it just cause they're crocs and i could put my little fancy croc plugs in my croc hell yeah damn girl are you a construction worker because you are building what [Laughter] that's right i keep biting my tongue when i talk and i think it's because my tongue is swollen from some of the food i've eaten before like in the last week um and it gives me like this weird sound it almost gives me like a lisp and i hate it i'm not i'm not a lispy man okay hey chris looks like the power's out in the building oh bummer don't know who's gonna take care of that oh hopefully you chris [Music] your job sir help oh my tongue hurts bro i'm on the bus and this guy is so fine but he has an iphone 6. yeah and you're on a bus yeah so i mean so what what's wrong learn about chinese culture off a chinese zodiac placemat for one dollar it's the best way to do it it's a practically giving it away one chopping board white clean only okay wipe up spills immediately all right to avoid staining of course do not soak understood uh do not use as a chopping board so what what is it then is this just a decoration this is a conversation starter what do i do you cook no i just pretend i do that's why i have the wood chopping board that's nice to use as a chopping board ah yes my favorite some authentic various and confused pizzas this girl rescued a coyote thinking it was a dog and his face is priceless well you know what now you have a new dog a new coyote dog clearly he's not upset about it he's like oh okay i didn't expect this to be my wednesday yo let's do this from keep let's do this to keep the potatoes from getting dirty this is a good idea all right good job everyone we did it just in all caps i do not like puerto ricans like just yelling it from the heavens why why don't you they disgust me what do they be saying uh you know i i think they'd be saying nothing good especially if it's uh about someone whose name sounds like i'm summoning an uh demon oni shinonial or sorry oni chaonio what the name do your parents playing like mad libs but they picked your parents put letters in a hat and just until they were done until the hat was empty oni shionil jesus oh my god i'm sweating outdoor yoga and a dome pop up coming to toronto so we just let the homes sleep in the [ __ ] rain and snow because we have pop-up domes and y'all letting the homeless why why if you use facial recognition for anything the government has your face whoa oh wait until you find out about driver licenses you're gonna be are gonna be shocked face coverings should not [Laughter] face coverings should not be worn in the water due to increased drowning risk i didn't know people were wearing masks in the swimming pool that is hilarious like i i'm all for the mask mandate but i think the pool is the one place that the mask should come off because if you're going swimming clearly you're that's that's hilarious nothing is to be above below in front of fire extinguisher um what about the paper above the fire extinguisher and the glass door in front of the fire extinguisher think about that what about those two get them out of there what the hell were you trying to make you're toasty failed a bit i think you're saying why is it beans and bread you know you get like a value meal for like five dollars beans and bread it's probably like a is this a british thing is this is this british let me look up a toasty oh it's supposed to be a grilled cheese sandwich they just filled theirs with beans weirdo noel gallagher calls prince harry woke snowflake for dissing on family don't say bad things about your family says the man who called his brother a man with a fork in a world of soup that just means his brother's not well off it's not bad it's just accurate alrighty new poll asks people the name famous asian americans nine percent said bruce lee eleven percent said jackie chan 42 said don't know does that add up i don't i don't think that gets to a hundred that's only that's 62. out of out of out of 100 of the people you asked at only 62 response i'll understand why you have percentages i wish we could choose our baby fathers hey get this you totally can but only once once per baby i'm so proud that we're creating an international alliance of nationalists together we will beat globalism i see no one tell them this is the best tweet since the flat earth society announced it has members all over the globe and they don't know why that was funny to say they don't get it they don't understand why that was funny it's for me to laugh at and for them to feel proud about it's a win-win hey you got your sydney tickets yet if not i got some i want to sell i just found out that i'd be going to my grandma funeral that day hit me up with your zell cash app ready only thanks so you're saying you're preempting your grandma's death by six months oh yeah oh my bad she's dead already it's a memorial yo whoops he's active and free karma for you don't trust this man oh look at that hidden network i'll never guess the password i'll never i'll never guess it thinking bill gates can do what he want any given day might be the most naive thing you've posted you sound like a 13 year old that wants to grow up and be a millionaire so you can eat ice cream for breakfast every day oh sure mate keep working until retirement well i'll eat my ice cream for breakfast oh yeah sure mate keep i i can't saying it without like trying to do an accent feels so weird sure mate uh-huh okay yeah sure mate keep working until retirement while i'll eat my ice cream for breakfast how does one not work until retirement while you eat ice cream for breakfast that's that's the secret amazon's newest euphemism for overworked employees is industrial athlete and i like that that's a that's a fun spin every home is worth protecting except for these particular homes right here woman stranded at croatia airport after arriving for a flight a a year early how do you how what uh-huh how do you do that for the next year i don't even think that's like a like a user like a common mistake you know that's not something where the airline's like hey be careful you don't want to book your flight for the next year no this is dummy this goofball jesus i always love seeing the withheld alumni out and doing well this young lady has her own apartment and is working three jobs i'm so proud of her now give me my frosty a thief gets stuck between atm and wall and hilarious robbery fail a thief from tamil nadu recently had a hilarious faux pas excellent use of the word faux pas when he found himself cut between an atm and a wall while trying to steal cash just take the whole atm just steal it steal the whole atm you can save face no one's going to look at you weird you know you wanted the atm that's fine i get it take the whole thing you know i work with a flat earther at an airline i i don't know how that works out so this lady came in this morning and walked up the front desk to greet us before gasping loudly and saying i forgot my dog she forgot to bring her dog with her to the vet well maybe you can update her shots instead bernie sanders should be forced to give away 90 of his birthday cake hashtag happy birthday barney yeah no actually this is how birthday cakes work when you have friends didn't know if you knew that but typically the birthday the birth the the the birthday have or doesn't eat a hundred percent of the cake my boyfriend turned down five fully paid scholarships just to stay here with me i really love this man so much yeah your boyfriend dumb issue while some olympians are pursuing prestigious careers and university degrees outside of sports because they want to many need to take on other jobs to pay the bills and sustain their sporting careers uh i jogged a fun run 5k over the weekend and then went back to my day job on monday it's called life oh i'm sorry anonymous twitter user are you a olympian level athlete is that is this are you are you the same are you on the same level shut up cloaked in the fur of this slaughtered brethren i think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of how yarn is made no i know perfectly how it's made from the fur of slaughtered brethren i got dumped for having red hair my boyfriend's mom didn't want to risk having ginger grandchildren so she made him dump me he married a blonde and had two ginger kids karma my kids are blonde and all four of them are stupid i have proof i have proof that bmw drivers don't know what a turn signal is uh this weird green light came on should i be concerned yeah it's called your turn signal idiot that one shows you're going to the yeah left now turn left they do say the pen is mightier than the sword but perhaps alan slattery man fails to rob bank because staff can't read his terrible handwriting uh yeah i can't even understand that either homeboy wrote in simulation said all the money in the bag but he didn't even bring a bag south carolina man steals horse hides it in bedroom deputies say an upstate man is in jail to deputies say he stole the horse and hid it in a bedroom well it just he needed a roommate what's wrong with that cheerleading outfit top for orem high school in utah go hose that's awful that's terrible but i mean hey uh now you guys can cheer to that one song by the lumineers and it'll be fitting because the song is called hey ho how did she get there she had a date with michelangelo of the teenage mutant ninja turtles don't mind her she was experiencing turtle power here is the irony of a sign explaining the formation of sand dunes being covered by a sand dune i tell you how that happens but i don't know the signs covered attention customers these in-demand items are not sold in store playstation 5 places five digital edition xbox series s and x check walmart.com around for a vote but what but i see like four xbox series s's right there do you think i'm stupid walmart i can just open your funny little cage and steal it right there i don't advocate for it but do as i say not as i do i live in syria and this story gave me the strength to carry on thank you for sharing her story and what was the story it's a classic we've seen it before it was kendall jenner eating grilled cheese fries crepes and more before hitting the med gala red carpet because that's bravery you heard when you spent money on jewelry instead of music lessons no that's just how that's how the pros play i guess you don't know because you're not a pro that's okay you got time to train you got time to practice maybe one day you'll be at the big leagues buddy like gia you all really be arguing with scientists about science i don't know why people think labels automatically classify you as smarter just means you got a job oh bobby bob you even spelt de niro wrong your name's sisters is his name bobby de niro like bobby money bro it's it's de niro not all right whatever okay okay whatever the prize for this contest from shake shake shake shake all right is ketchup packets we're teaming up with hunts and one lucky fan a year supply of the condiment we can't live without ketchup now you can never ask us for a packet again at our restaurants with his handmade keychains that go for five dollars each this eight-year-old boy raised four thousand and fifteen dollars to erase the lunch debt of students from his school and six others wow did you mean eight-year-old does months of manual labor so his friends who are children can afford to eat without going into debt america home of the hungry land of the indebted that being said uh can i get one of them one of them uh keychains because i lost my keychain so anything to help the guys people who leave their phones set to military time are war criminals how do you look at 1605 and go wow i can understand that bootlickers what's next you're gonna go join the army recruit me send me to the navy maybe with the ymca boys my brain forgot they were called the village people ymca boys oh that's funny americans be like okay i can't count past 12 actually and what about it took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy a ruth i don't think it was the alarm i don't think the university of north texas mug designers really sat down and gave this product enough thought i don't see anything wrong with it it's just a friendly phrase yo nachos for lunch at the high school today those are pathetic nachos is that naruto man he's looking awfully western in a bizarre accident and i ain't even gonna try pronouncing that a bride caught off the wedding because her to be husband couldn't read the newspaper without his glasses on the incident took place after argentina who lives in jamalpur village fixed his daughter's wedding with siobhan who lives in banshee village so your man couldn't read without his glasses on and he said nah my babies need perfect 20 20. you are terrible you guys got all the way to the wedding you said wait you nearsighted pathetic reading that gwyneth paltrow's clean beauty regime means she starts every day with a refreshing glass of alkaline water plus a spritz of lemon which makes the alkaline water no longer alkaline and highlights the magnificent level of bs that people will swallow from celebrities fun facts dude i did it i have my own business card i'm so so so so happy i sat in the parking lot of office depot and was smiling and crying i can't believe these are real did you misspell patreon oh poor popcorn popcorn sorry dude oh god i'm confused how he's homeless but has a working cell phone are you confused how a home costs more than a phone so it's your first day on earth no start sweating nervously let's not go into 2020 being fools phone flipped over means either you hide in something or cheating no dummy i flipped my phone over to let you insecure fools know i'm focused on you idiot dumbo stupid and now you're single because you're too stupid if you're not willing to have engagement photos like this then we can't be together because there's got to be room for jc dude imagine hating england there is no country in the world more beautiful you know i feel like when people say i hate england they're not referring to the plants and cows just uh just a thought in the 1980s a w tried to compete with the mcdonald's quarter pounder by selling a third pound burger at a lower cost the product failed because most customers thought the quarter pound was bigger this is why i don't argue online say no to atheism to the global prayer to end atheism guys atheists are praying in mass to counter our prayers please we need more prayers we can't let them win they're praying really now are they really look at his eyes while it tries to breathe it looks so sad her yo i think your pug's gender is the least of our worries how dare you and that's that's the hard thing is like i know the like pugs and even like brick he's like a more of a bracky breed and so they had breathing problems i got lucky with brick because he's bred with something his snout isn't all mushed in like you typically see on those breeds but man like seeing them and they just they go like it makes you feel bad that being said uh at least my dog's doing good brook's doing great scammer made over 500 000 selling 5g repellent lotion online just called business baby what do you know about it huh millennials aren't buying diamonds why uh you know i'm too busy filling out job applications that ask them to attach their resume and then enter what's on the same resume on the next page takes a lot of time bro the dead ass used getty image photos of a shark and cropped it onto their poster the dce was a joke that's what stock photos are for did you think they actually photographed the dude chum with sharks idiot yeah he's aquaman that's what he does scoop the wisconsin pharmacist believes the earth is flat and the sky is actually a shield put up by the government to prevent individuals from seeing god woman using guns laser sight to play with cats shoots friend in kenosha well there we go stupid games stupid prizes british tourists puts in complaint after holiday to spain was ruined by too many spanish people while you were going to spain are you from the united states or england australia wow can you say something in australia and i've never heard australian speak english idiot whoa i just i figured out the word hurt it's past present and future you will be hurt you are hurt you were hurt because something truly hurt it never really stops oh you poetic little uh it's because it's an adjective you will be stupid you are stupid you were stupid that's because something's truly stupid it never really stops my sister started eighth grade and it's all on zoom and today she got in trouble because she got up to get water during class as she's getting yelled at she looks at me and says how does that tell me i can't get water in my own house oh that's gonna get you a bad grade what the [ __ ] am i looking at this is just a bootleg thing why is this a face palm uh is pink panther a lion i say that again but slower uh i don't get it he's the pink panther uh okay but is he a lion mack angel light of my life he's a panther is that a kind of lion no it's a panther yo i just googled panthers aren't pink what the hell is this cartoon character what the [ __ ] am i being am i being lied to for this cartoon here is an actual representation of periods there's the vagina and there's dementors oh yeah but it's nothing compared to the pain and sacrifice that our troops have felt for our country they fought for iraq to bleed and spend money on overpriced feminine products so be thankful and stand for the flag and anthem please what who who invited you i'll see you in the shower i love you my queen thank you guys for watching if you like this video and want to see more like it be sure to subscribe and until next time my name is damian you've been watching daily and i'll see you next time [Music] [Music] you

Channel: DeeLee

Views: 327,769

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% true stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, ez pz, reddit funny

Id: N4uI3GINVOw

Length: 58min 52sec (3532 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 29 2021