ALL OF r/WOKEKIDS

[Music] we went to the planetarium today and when the voice over said this is the earth one of the kids booed and that was me i was that kid hi my name is damian liam a voice over artist and i hate earth do you hate earth too come with me my five-year-old niece saw the blue deer on my shirt and was like oh it's a boy dear i took the opportunity to be like or it could be a girl dear girls like blue too she stared at me and was like i said it's a boy because it has antlers take my degree away now you heard her boys take the degree away blue boys come here blue antler boys take up take the degree away my 11 year old has been selling her art and someone offered to buy a canvas for 10.11 said no oh a lovely 11 year old she could only charge six because that's what she thought it was worth i told her not to shortchange herself and she said mom i'm an artist not a businesswoman art never lies and then she painted the mona lisa singing to my five-year-old twinkle twinkle little star how i wonder what you are her stop it's a ball of gas but it's just a song singing a little song science stop pretending you don't know what it is you pay rent how do you not know what science is well look at her name my six-year-old just explained to me an idea he has that is essentially bitcoin and asked why we still have paper money kids these days and transactions would be recorded on an immutable electronic ledger called the block chain mommy mommy are you listening and they're gonna make a meme one called dogecoin hey you like dogecoin i don't know why they became the kid on the polar express at the end there [Laughter] it's going to the moon my 18 month old son built this i told him good job and then took half of it he cried so i told him that's socialism don't let them bring it here he looked me dead in the eye and said at 18 months old not in my america he then shot a fully loaded shotgun drunk a coors light and got into his jeep wrangler now that is my son his jeep wrangler for tots mind you i'm not a maniac who needs a husband anyway my son just turned around in the filling station after two grungy men commented on how quote fat my ass unquote was and my son turned to them and said maybe you should wash your mouth out since apparently you don't wash your body i'm crying thanks son hello i work for a company called buzzfeed and i was wondering if i could use this post in an article i'm writing about people making up fictional scenarios for internet clout seeing as you got 76.1 000 likes for this fake tweet when i am 100 years old when i turn 100 years old i'll be tired of everything and everyone so i'll tell everyone i'm going to canada but actually go to the bahamas i'll live in a tiny hut with my tiny dog and i'll order fish tacos when i'm hungry and live my best life with no crap sounds like she's already a hundred emma's already a hundred she's just writing this to let everyone know that that's what's going on i just told my daughter that if we could have a woman vice president in the white house then she too can do anything since she's two years old she responded that she would like some chocolate ah yes the classic sharp wit and comedic timing of a two-year-old so we asked the kids what they wanted for christmas and their response was simultaneously almost nothing really i am over how commercialized christmas has become can't we just take a trip and spend time together absolutely we can because i'm over it too kids hashtag we have done something right well you did do something right you correctly forged this post because it was not real you forged it in your imagination good to see that that's still working just fine but you wanted a ps5 admit it tommy tell me the truth my favorite part of my husband working from home is that our six-year-old critiques all his conference calls i think you should say don't get me wrong instead of let me be clear next time daddy it just sounds better what are you a boss baby you alec baldwin you alec baldwin boss baby you where are you gonna critique me government doesn't even know you exist yet you have no social you know security social security card my two-year-old son just came up to me and asked why do i have jordan's socks but no passport mom i want to experience the world not warm feet i looked him in the eye and had no answer what's your old comprehensive first of all that the brand is jordan and number two what two-year-old doesn't want warm feet if i'm a little kid you god damn right i want my tootsies to be toasty you kidding me i told my fifth grader that alexandria ocasio-cortez wanted to take seven dollars out of every ten dollars she makes and my fifth grader told me that's not how tax brackets work and that i'd never make enough money to have to understand them anyway and also that she wants to live with her mom uh so if anyone wants to come hang out the house is a little emptier so i asked my boys if they could go back in time and change any part of their past what would it be unselfishly zach said i'd go back to 20 minutes before the planes hit the towers and pull both fire alarms everyone would get out safe my jaw dropped and my eyes teared up my son's a war hero only two years old he then he then showed me this pictures of george w bush and jet planes and i was starting to say hey what's going on son that's when i realized he was wearing a hat made of tinfoil canada just passed the free willy bill making it illegal to keep dolphins and whales in captivity this one's from my son who at age 4 and upon leaving seaworld at closing time asked when do the orcas get to go home when i told him the truth he refused to go screaming at employees to declare he wouldn't leave florida until he had released every last animal for you i don't think that happened i think you could throw a tantrum when you want to make it seem good let's let's just be honest here with what happened come on now just got my stimulus check i tried to offer it to my three-month-old she said no father i would rather you spend it on foot and i can get that new skin this food in the fridge so proud of my son oh well see this one's inherently just a joke but god you have a great kid great a kid that really is so selfless yo stop lying on your kids i hate it when i see posts like junior saw me crying and said fred not mother fauisha prevailing this trying times word yo dumbass son ain't say that he probably said that's probably what your son said your son's eating the blue crayons that's why they don't taste like blueberries okay mom can i tell you something weird sure i really can't wait for martin luther king day that's not weird sounds like you're really inspired by him yeah because if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be able to play with my friend well you know what i actually some i don't know how old these kids are i can't gauge age by by a picture of a toddler but if they're old enough to know about martin luther king day you might know the the you know everything about it i would say i would say the kid maybe said it that's a three out of ten we're gonna tell the plausibility scale my son on black panther black people with access to vibranium they create the most equitable and advanced society in the world white people with access to vibranium they build a big frisbee given to one guy ah your son gave some riveting racial commentary thank you miss aguirre you sure that wasn't you are you ghostwriting for your son watching election coverage who are they oh those are people who want to be president what is the president though well first of all not my afro snacks and this is how a real conversation about politics where the child goes thank you for showing us thank you for show finally finally we get to see my two month old i can't sleep daddy i'm afraid of frankenstein don't you mean frankenstein's monster i do not personally i find unethical and irresponsible scientific practice far more terrifying than any physical being and so should you kiapo snacks you know your child and what their limitations are i let my six-year-old watch game of thrones in its entirety she frequently pours cereal over her brother's head slowly and says today i have chosen to spare your life but next time it could be molten gold should you ever misbehave she owes druckeries i've never watched game of thrones i don't know what drakers is i hope i said that right whenever a teacher assigns homework followed by a girl has no homework i think it's great i think it's a lie probably got scared of the gold seed i know i did saw that clip on youtube my five-year-old son gus walked right in when you said i feel ugly i was waiting for him to say she said a bad word but instead he just looked at me with the saddest look on his face and said that's so sad that she just said that about herself i think she's so beautiful and i love her golden eyes so what i'm trying to say is my son's trying to [ __ ] told my three-year-old we needed to pick up dinner for her dad and she said daddy's a grown man he could cook his own food my work here is done got him one of my boys just came running from his room dad dad dad he shows me his phone shows me the headline he's impeached and in his voice his eyes there's hope hope i share so my mom lies on the internet and i went through her instagram and found this quote from me only problem is that i didn't say this mommy my goal for middle school is to be the best my goal is to try my best in everything i do it sounds absolutely perfect to me jake absolutely perfect it's like parents are like projecting these like these idealized versions of their kids into their social media posts it's kind of weird my four-year-old daughter tonight how many more sleeps into our labor government just two more my baby good i can't wait for jimmy corbin to punch those tories in the butt ah gotta get them young you made your kid a a labor i don't know what that uh i don't understand uh uk politics i don't know like what's the labor party what's a tory overheard at target little boy daddy you get valentine's candy for jessica too father of boy no why would i get candy for your babysitter because it's just like yes mommy i thought i wouldn't see that old man so you kissed i saw you kissing jessica go ahead get her get her candy [Music] [Laughter] random guy honks me for taking too long to pull out of my parking space move your car lady my four-year-old rolls down her window hey you can't tell my mom what to do you're not her kid only i can do that nine-year-old pokemon have non-binary characters me how can you tell because of a boy or girl symbol when they don't they're neither interesting which are non-binary mostly the legendary types pauses and smiles and that's what makes them legendary or you know i thought it was the scarcity there was only one of them there's only one while i was meeting two counting because me too is genetically created so technically he made two because he's mewtwo oh my god hello please provide me with feminist socialist or anarchist literature for a ten-year-old and a seven-year-old it's called don't there's none put on freaking paw patrol tell them to touch grass my almost three year old is reading proust you don't need a test i don't think when you know you know really when i know i know huh my 18 months old just said to me mommy you seem very interested in what you're reading on the ipad look around you mommy the world is wondrous when you know you know yo my i i yo my two-month-old just lit me and said mother unfettered capitalism is ruined the world when you know you know my four-year-old son asked why i was crying and i told him i was sad about the death of our democracy he looked at me with his young hope-filled eyes and said this is why mom is cheating on you you absolute [ __ ] loser couldn't be prouder of my son nobody lying-ass parents i'm about to pump my gas and my son got the car and said it's okay mommy get in the car a woman shouldn't be pumping her own guys when a man is present really i made him do that so i can take the picture but hey you know you know my kid's pretty cool how was your day i just worry they're doing it wrong doing what wrong they separate everything so we can't understand anything who says music isn't really math to math is in science really some main categories but there wasn't much in place than that anyway school was okay i mean no no you're wrong you're right you're stupid me too 11 year old son do you know what eradicated means 11 year old yes of course okay use it in a sentence measles will be fully eradicated if not for idiot parents who don't vaccinate their children was that good for the tweet mom oh i got you my son told my husband today he's going to work out meditating healthy so we can control his emotions he's four you gotta start him early you know what i mean gotta get him on that kraft mcgahn when i broke up with my high school boyfriend my ten-year-old brother walked in on me crying and asked what was wrong i told them and he proceeded to log onto minecraft join my ex's party and go set their town on fire family of psychos hey i'm making crazy seem cute that's not scary [Music] last night my three-year-old kicked me during a tantrum as i took him in bed later he apologized i'll never kick you again he pulled me in closer and kissing my cheek just do exactly what i tell you to do and i'll never have to kick you again my son's a mobster and i guess this makes me slacky my five-year-old niece were asked to write down her daily routine and i couldn't relate more wake up stretch have a moment busy that's everyone's schedule isn't it the child i babysit sometimes is five years old last time i went to take care of him i noticed he had this awesome painting of the moon in his bedroom he told me his mother's friend painted it after he told me the artist's name he then explained to me she used to be a boy but she didn't feel good so now she just takes medicine and helps her to be a girl she feels better it's literally that easy to explain it to kids you're a five-year-old child you babysit was that and used complex sentences listen he he doesn't care one way or the other he he just wants the painting he thinks it's a cool painting surprisingly eloquent woke election children where are they now my two-year-old niece just told me woke election children are a rhetorical device manufactured by adults to lend a sense of purity and innocence to their viewpoint they may be based on real people but are anthrocore fictional i am in awe hashtag blessed tell him dan you and your two-year-old niece your two-year-old fictional niece my five-year-old son was playing in the garden and sees two spiders he asks me is that a mummy long legs under that daddy long legs no son there is no mummy lung legs only daddy long legs i felt pretty proud of my answer until he stomps on both spiders saying well they have none of that gay [ __ ] in our garden it was alex jones i didn't know what he was he was in disguise as my five-year-old kid i didn't know i to alex what are you doing he said today the first grader i was watching said that she didn't understand why kindergarteners got naps because it's the easiest grade she said that college kids should have naps because they only get like three hours of sleep at night make her president when you see thinking about colleges you choose what classes you want you you that's you can nap in between it's okay dummy i didn't go to college i don't know i went to tech school my nine-year-old i would gladly give up watching movies on netflix ever again to protect myself in the environment from radiation from 5g all right back to watching paw patrol back to watch a miraculous ladybug for me my nine-year-old brother just announced that he has his first girlfriend but immediately wanted to clarify and said he'd still be in love with her if she was a boy or any other gender because he loves her as a person and that the gender is irrelevant to him i really would die for that little dude why would he clarify that immediately hey guys i got a girlfriend but here's the thing i'll take it never happened 500 alex and i what is this tweet i taught my daughter the truth about flat earth the other day we were in the toy shop but she spots a globe first thing she says was what is this nonsense why does the toy shop preach lies look at that face that's the face of a believer you guys i just saw the most wild thing a man started walking toward the girl scout cookie stand in front of my grocery store and he yelled my [ __ ] are back and this girl scout just yelled no walk away and he did i still can't process what i just saw i don't understand it at all it was like witnessing the worst miscalculation he was bright red and just went back to his car everyone just stood in silence this girl death stared him all the way through his walk of shame i need to vote for her for every office but i think she's like 12. i just went and talked to her tried about cookies but couldn't because cash only i told her i was impressed with how she handled that dude and she just said with perfect comedic timing you'll want to be pretty tough if you're gonna go out in this outfit what comedian was posing as a girl scout that's what i want to know i told my little brother that it was fine if we didn't get ice cream and he said are you sure i looked it up online and said when girls say they're fine they're not so chocolate or vanilla ice cream scoop you want my seven year old is doing a math worksheet and it's telling him that the eraser 37 cents costs more than the pencil 18 cents and he's outraged if you're poor and you can't afford the eraser you can't correct your mistakes but if you're rich you can erase all your mistakes ah yes it's just outrageous man i i have no commentary for it it's like yeah no your kid said that okay i'm out my baby's dad when he gets a call my daughter passes me this paper and whispers that's his phone that's when i saw it that's weird but it makes a two oh no all right i set my password on my phone as me and my girlfriend's anniversary because it's something like it it's the easiest thing in my head to remember my nieces have been asking for usa and donald trump themed birthday parties all year [Music] so great at real donald trump i think these girls deserve a birthday card imagine getting a birthday card from donald trump just dear little child i heard it's your fifth birthday today happy fifth birthday from the 40 wait he wasn't the 45th no he was he was he was oh my god i i don't know my presidents now oh holy [ __ ] sure i'm here to wish you a happy fifth birthday a happy five from the 45 and remember when you grow up stay away from me because i'll scream and i'll yell and i'll make monkey noises and all right i'll throw my poop at you i'll do it it's my dog that's my donald trump head cannon because he likes to be a a monkey cosplayer in his past time feeling poop with the ongoers i mean damien you're becoming too political i'm life guarding and i just witnessed an eight-year-old girl tell this boy that they can't be together because he has a phone and she doesn't he then threw his phone in the dive pool and said nothing could keep me from you this generation loves so hard wow you know that didn't happen you just watched this you're you're on the job and the first thing you did was tweet it is that what you did dundee you're a dumb dumb job my four-year-old daughter asked me what even is the point of boys all they do is play and i'm still working on my response i see your daughters listen to lizzo gave my five-year-old the new pokemon and they started crying i said honey what's wrong and she said the code authorization was bad and the shadow quality changing different distances model pop-in issues it's 30 fps and there's no anti-aliasing i said wow you're so eloquent for a five-year-old and you know quite a bit about uh how this game its quality is integrally and the baby said i write for hard work the level of emotional intelligence in my son is insane he hates sharing popcorn it's his favorite snack he just gave me some and said i'm working on getting over my anger when i have to share my popcorn take some for me so i get used to sharing this nine-year-old didn't say that you took popcorn and made up the story which to be fair popcorn's pretty busting my mother is out here lying on facebook my nephew speaks in power ranger quotes he ain't saying none of this i'll zoom in what'd he say my mother told my grandson if you're bad santa will not give you gifts under the tree my grandson told her i don't believe with santa i believe in god and through all and through him all things are possible he's only three but he knows the word can i get an amen he didn't say none of that he's he said can we get mcdonald's yes we can absolutely my kid just called froot loops pride cheerios and i've never been happier in my life that this little dude calls me mom i mean i'll be honest if you label if you if you rebranded froot loops as pride cheery if you if you called froot loops gay cheerios i would buy them just to have that in my house i think that'd be hilarious just on the brand name alone wake up with a bar with a bowl full of gay cheerios combine that with my uh with my ambiguous milk five-year-old is there a band called princess me well not that i heard of that's not fair because prince and queen and kings of leon are all bands but there's no banco princess you make it then you make you make the band princess then if you're so mad about it overheard this evening four-year-old why do girl's clothes mostly have buttons on the back but boys clothes have them on the front i'm not sure they're probably a patriarchy you show me a four-year-old that could pronounce that word both but you know what both show me if we really could say probably and patriarchy eloquently show me i'll give you a hundred dollars and how do you do i need you to fix this listen i got my own problems you fix it listen you got my problems and your made a commitment when you didn't use birth control okay pal i didn't ask to be born i think i wanted this this sucks all right you know that's very accurate give me your toy i'll fix it i'm sorry for questioning warning as my daughter laughed at trump's speech she turns and asks how is this idiot president so began our lesson on demagoguery populism nationalism etc a week later i get a call from daycare saying she started a protest over inadequate napping areas she's three and apparently lives in a zit con because that definitely happened with an audience laugh track to boot finally finding the perfect bedtime story for your child it's your child young sheldon quantum physics for babies general relativity for tots quantum entanglement for kids babe he loves aerospace engineering finally for the little kid that wants to be an aerospace engineer rather specific no i didn't just want to be a space man if you think you're too young to make a difference because you can't vote i just found out that my 11 year old has been daily reserving free seats at trump rallies so that they'll be empty is your kid making thousands of fake emails listen i'm all for a good prank i think that's hilarious but i don't think this actually happened it makes you sad because that sounds like a good rib i was in the bank with my five-year-old sister when we hear everyone get down we all got down except my sister who said stealing is wrong the robbers well they shot her 78 times [Laughter] so maybe she should have listened instead of trying to be woke because now she's asleep forever there are so many other worlds sometimes when you hold special rocks you can hear them you named your kid rainbow wolf oh i want to get into a fight with you in the parking lot oh that's a walmart fight right there that's you bumping your cart into my caravan and i get pissed that's unacceptable you named your kid rainbow wolf you named your kid after a deviantart oh oc is that really what you did micah's gonna have the most lit wattpad account utah elementary student refuses to answer offensive math problem about girl's weight what this is offensive sorry i won't write this it's rude you know the writing being there almost makes me believe it [Music] you know i believe this one real i believe this one's real 100 dear santa please stop adam sandler he's gotten away with too much too many movies i knew i had enough when he made hooby halloween obviously i didn't like it i'm just saying he's had it too good for too long the next day christmas morning news news reports around the world saying adam sandler's disappeared no one knows where he went left without a trace my two-year-old son just asked me father if santa's real why didn't he dedicate his factory to the war effort and produce ammunitions during the shell crisis in 1915. unbelievable that's because santa is a as a sheep for coca-cola and coca-cola didn't care about the shell crisis so proud of my youngest she was in line for lunch at school today and it was french toast sticks and sausage the boy in front of her said no to the sausage and she called him a communist what maybe he just doesn't eat sausage she's in kindergarten that's a great thing you're teaching your kid uh yeah if they say no to meat they're a communist all right what different lifestyles cultures no that's communism but hashtag proud parent well there we go yeah talk that talk baby fight for what you believe in it looks like you believe in a lot of scribbles two weeks ago i told kids at school to write an essay titled quote if i were a millionaire everyone was writing except a girl who leaned back with arms folded what's the matter i asked why aren't you writing i'm waiting for my secretary she replied scored her 10 out of 10 and i got i got her a secretary she didn't even do her work anymore linda does linda's temping my five-year-old son who recently finished his sophomore year of college has called me on the phone crying he said father one of the 15 players who made all nba this season were white how am i supposed to be successful in a country that hates white people oh goodness that's a spicy thing that your kids said sure didn't sure the phone didn't scold your ear without hold with how hot that take was got your blisters i would have said whoa kid listening to crowder dad i took this red pill it wasn't tylenol it was a different kind of red pill dad i don't know what it was but all of a sudden that alex jones guy's making a lot of sense someone should give him a talk show my little girl just said to me mom how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia ah yes just a casual toddler philosophy [Music] [Laughter] i just read the second part the idea of the first half wow literally at a loss for words she's a german shepherd i had no idea this was possible and asked if she wanted a scooby snack and she said mother you know i want a goddamn scoopy snack she didn't win i feel like the the more i go through these posts the more and more ironic they're getting like they're getting less and less serious and i'm here for it i love it i was just in target and heard this third year old say to his dad daddy i think people who use the word simp are doing so because they are rooted in misogyny women deserve to be treated with respect without people calling them simps ah i see it's what we're calling the women's sims incredible wow and everyone clapped after two just like the kid got a medal the stores gave them free cookies for life you know just casual day and target my 18th month old came up to me this morning and asked mom why are people spending their time quarantined not learning a new skill trying to create new sources of revenue or trying to acquire an llc you're your kid ain't got no idea what an llc is so i didn't know your 18 month old was on uh what's on entrepreneur's side of twitter he was on grind twitter where everyone's on their grind my 10 year old was not having it what increased the need for slaves most people did not need slaves well while i agree with you it's uh the invention of the cotton gin i suppose so i'm watching netflix with my son hello well this is the conversation daddy she has a big butt i like it yeah she does bro i like it too lol oh my your kid said oh my god look at those titties [Music] my kid then looked at it look at the tv and said [Music] my kid said look at those bazongas daddy i see him bro you gonna marry a girl like that one day only is she smart daddy that's my boy he likes him smart my friend's six-year-old brother made this bracelet he accidentally put the beads on backward but that's okay it's still super cute oh it says snart but what does snart me my son told his whole class that vaccines are bad and that whoever is vaccinated are idiots i'm so proud of him he's growing up smart hashtag and evacs yeah no growing up until someone sneezes on him coughs on and breathes in the general direction or is in a six foot radius of because that kid ain't gonna last that kid is on borrowed time he's expired oh feed him old or something he'll grow up [Music] give the boy mold 10 year old the only need star wars to make money seven year old if nobody did anything to make money we'd still be cavemen you wouldn't have your xbox we'd just be a bunch of guys throwing spears at deers it sounds like a really fun indie band name guys throwing spears at deers it's like a folk band this kid's on to something my son asked me to post it on twitter he wants to know how many people like his drawing looks like a a human version of spongebob holding a sign saying donald trump i hate you no it's official he's lost the youth vote [Laughter] i was at my son's softball party a few weeks ago and asked if the kids needed anything they all had the same answer a more diversified stock portfolio and deregulation of securities trading and i cried um i then asked if it's anything you wanted for food we said hey can you use the money you would get food for us with and invest in food companies instead for us i want to i want to share mcdonald's and i ain't talking about mcnuggets i'm talking about part of the company my 10 year old all these marvel movies this is the first one with a woman lead me yep i wish women didn't have to wait till 1920 to vote why i'd better think of votes sooner we'd have more superhero women leads i don't know if those two things are necessarily parallel to each other but at least he knows his history this little white girl on the train asked her mom am i gonna be white until i die her mom said yes and the girl is dead ass throwing a tantrum third grader gives his teacher his 15 bucks birthday cash and a note saying he doesn't think teacher get paid enough uh so the note the note says i don't think the teachers get paid enough for what they do so will you exp accept this gift he wrote in black ink he added my own money with an arrow putting down the cash in a little ziploc baggie and the teacher wrote i can't accept this but appreciate the gesture parker students like you are the reason i teach well i'm not sure that he he's the one who wrote it but this is very sweet and you know i can't make a joke about this this is just sweet this is cute i'm sure that made her day like oh he wants to you know make sure i'm recuperated for the effort i'm putting in because i'm basically uh these kids second parent second you know but can't accept that uh campaign for me to get a higher minimum wage though thank you my eight-year-old came across my bound thesis in basement reddit and spontaneously wrote me this note i will now be listing yours as a suggested reviewer for all my manuscript submissions i was very amazed by your work it surprised me that it took you four whole years to write that thesis i'm sure it took a lot of hard work i found out lots of things about genome sequence i also like hearing about what you studied and were interested in a lot of things made me say awesome well you know i do think that they wrote this but i think they were told to write it because no one oh god the way i look into it that's kind of sad the joke i was about to make like no one wanted to review the the thesis so they made the eight-year-old read it please say nice things about my thesis i worked really hard on it i was eating breakfast with my 10 year old granddaughter and i asked her what day is tomorrow without skipping a beat she said it's president's day she's smart so i asked her and what does president's day mean i was waiting for something about obama bush or clinton etc she replied president's day is when the president steps into the white house and if he sees a shadow we have another year of bolton and you know it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose it also hurts when you're lying to me over the internet i know he didn't say that she didn't say none of that she probably said there's no school that's what president's day means to me everyone else's toddlers into politics political satire binding electoral commentary my toddlers into paw patrol play-doh and asking when it can be halloween again you know i think those are both classic toddler traits you know one is the boss baby the other is the baby boss and that's just how it is sometimes sometimes children are wiser than adults you're so is in jail the cages are too small the tigger was crying well it's a tiger but you know it wasn't close enough i guess i hate the visit and i'm sure you do i do too my three-year-old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me i told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life he looked me dead in the eyes and said i'll listen to you for the rest of your life toddlers are cold-blooded man listen dude i'm sure they are but you you made them you gotta deal with it you made the guy your own creation is your hubris my seven-year-old daughter someone at camp said girls aren't tough well what'd you say to that my seven-year-old who has had a loose tooth for over a week i pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me well asserting dominance is a very fun thing to do at camp did you get your dominance badge i like to get a mcdonald's and burger king sometimes but i don't like the toys they're really bad of the environment ah yes both sisters said that i was doing face painting for kids and this five-year-old boy wanted the comedy and tragedy masks one on each cheek i was like that's different but okay and did them then later i saw you smudge one of them and i was like oh no your comedy mask is all smudged and he said that's because everything's a tragedy and i'm still stressed out about this kid who knows far too much he's far too knowledgeable for this world get him out of here i closed my finger in a drawer and yelled son of a [ __ ] and my six-year-old called from another room what is it is it trump bloody though do you say something stupid nah he can't do it anymore he's banned off twitter can't say nothing stupid no more he doesn't have a platform to do that writing in math evan told his class that the people in his family have 14 legs altogether quinton said evan must have seven people in his family is quinton correct explain why or why not yes because 14 divided by two is seven but not everyone has two legs go to www dot wounded warrior and blah blah blah blah blah you know they say inclusive children go far but that's unr that's unrelated to the answer i'm gonna dock him points for that don't you don't you grandstand on your math test i was about to go pay my rent and my unborn son handed me this cash and said dad it's time for me to start carrying my own weight around here i got this i love my son man how he's getting bread in the womb i don't know must be something whatever his mama's eating the feminist baby finds her voice it's not developed yet it's a baby it's a child i don't know what kind of productive feminist or rhetoric you're going to get out of i don't think that's going to be very productive you know oh they're going to find your voice that way that's not a productive discourse for any group oh i don't know how you i i've never felt good about bringing like seeing people bring their kids to like political movements it makes me feel icky like come on let him be a kid let him be a kid take him to chuck e cheese go to skee-ball have them touch grass i found my five-year-old daughter's elizabeth warren action figure apparently that is a thing in her bed when i was making it this morning when i asked her why she said i was scared and she makes me feel brave why is there an elizabeth warren action figure she got a licensing fee from that watching atypical on netflix the boy has autism ella i bet vaccines gave him autism me not even thinking about that yeah probably lord thank you to me such a smart warrior child that i have to keep it a containment cube otherwise she will die everyone dies one day everyone even wolves but not books not words words don't die my son three who is a lot smarter than i am oh piss off rebecca he did not say that in fact you know what edit your wikipedia bio [Laughter] [Music] i remember reading something uh someone said uh it was i think i am very badass video someone was like shout out to the homie for forcing a laugh at the worst at the least funny parts every 30 seconds and i'm like man you just don't get it i find ways to make things funny in my head you don't understand the world's a really bad comedy and i'm a rotten tomatoes reviewer like that that is how i see the world you can make a wish but then you have to do to wish it doesn't just happen from an anonymous nine-year-old ah the most believable of sources honey can you go see if the baby's sleeping okay let me see down with the bourgeoisie she woke as hell i think she found twitter my 11 year old just told me everybody in his middle school talks about andrew yang a lot he says all the kids have convinced their parents to vote for yang he also says he wishes he could vote too i told him re-election in 2024 he can vote yang gang hashtag gang gang but your kid didn't say that man that's what we're trying to tell you your kid didn't say none of this 11 year olds aren't worried about politics they're worried about what their minecraft flex player is going to say next on the twitch live stream and if it's going to involve dream smp lore thank you guys for watching if you like this video and want to see more like it be sure to subscribe and until next time my name is damian you've been watching daily and i'll see you next time [Music] [Music] you

Channel: DeeLee

Views: 103,452

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% true stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, ez pz, reddit funny

Id: RESUMM4mD1Y

Length: 38min 43sec (2323 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 20 2021