ALL OF r/CURSEDCOMMENTS

[Music] the villains and films before the sad incident were like all right mom i might had to apply at the art school wait no someone stop him right now notice the good oh yeah abandon the dead that's what i always say hi please tell my wife that you can't fix my phone i don't want to check my whatsapp messages the 50's yours thanks no no no no no take the fifth repair the phone call the wife show her the chat consoler banger call the girlfriend blackmail her about informing the wife bang her if she's not threatened pay her the 50th then banger well he seems to have his plan figured all out he has his priorities straight ooh being the only provacs in my family ugh i'm surrounded by idiots yo don't worry i don't suspect they'll be around for two so i i i think you're good [Laughter] 2003 i'm gonna be a famous artist 2010. i just want a nice car 2016. maybe next year i can afford health insurance 20 20. i hope i die soon back to back huh 1907. i'm going to be a famous artist 1939 i'm going to invade poland that's a good idea jeff bezos realizing that he can change his gender and become the richest woman and then he marries elon musk divorces him gets half of his money changes gender again and boom he's the richest man in the world all right i'm screenshotting this to a rule 34 artist we're gonna get to work got our best men on this right now what do you consider is your greatest sexual achievement i haven't slept well my wife in over a year and still had a baby apparently the sperm can survive for a long time in the uterus and when this happens the color of the baby's skin gets darker no no no no you got it all wrong is that clear [Music] 20 years of repeat attempts and a few pieces lost along the way but finally finished this 3d puzzle of manhattan i have some bad news for you oh who's gonna tell them i don't want to do it i don't want to do it i think you got a couple more pieces you gotta lose buddy can you guys please recommend a book that made you cry um data structures and algorithms in java second edition or alternatively any book my uncle beat me with you have forgotten me simba remember who you are get the hell out of my clowns remember me dad what are you doing up in the air you know knowing zeus that's probably not what he'd actually be doing if you saw mufasa bent over like that i just want to let you what if you had to had sex every day during pregnant building the baby wait with the same man actually that's a great question perhaps if you mix it up you can combine jeans like a build-a-bear and that's what we have cosmetic gene editing yo why tooth is there a birthday candle for zero nobody turns 0 years old it's for the abortion cakes you didn't know after every successful abortion the doctor wheels out an abortion king red velvet man i kind of missed the 70s when the killers were mysterious and smart and planned stuff now it's just a bunch of [ __ ] shooting random people left and right where's the flavor be the change you want to see in this world be the flavor dear santa why are all my toys say made in china i guess even you can't abstain from the allure of cheap labor oink oink you capitalist pig from josh well that's not cheap labor if you're getting it for free [Laughter] nurses show triplets to the father who passes out with excite photo from 1946 when ultrasound did not exist wow he went to buy cigarettes so fast he forgot his body i love the guy holding up like this is your life now pal man titties are light one comp just one comma changed your sexuality maybe that's what he meant though you know everything about that maybe he didn't mean that man titties are life and which i thank you guess the art hey how often do you guys rinse out your condoms huh wait are you supposed to take them off huh what are you guys doing these men don't have sex no these these guys are wearing them because they want to know what it feels like santa claus is immune to covet 19 says dr anthony fatchy harvest his dna bleed him drop find old satanic and bring him up to the gurney tie his arms and legs bring me a hacksaw i am going to drain the blood up on the rooftop reindeer paws out jumps good old santa claus into the trap with lots of toys screams screams and pain on my christmas joy what if your first name was holden and your last name was barry and you'd be like i'm holding berries [Laughter] and everyone would think you're holding berries excuse me sir you'll attack the name is cox holden cox hey yo this dude's hole i hate the word nut [ __ ] is a nicer word oh look at the squirrels doing come for the winter all right well i regret this thanks [Music] you're the apple of my eye you're very cute some ass we make an awesome pair not sure if that's a fact or a demand well let's try it again it can either be someone putting her ass or someone putting me in their ass i just realized that king kong was a legendary scent for sacrificing himself to a woman he can't even have sex with no no he could have sex with her but she would just not be alive uh not really consider this apes have a much smaller penis proportional the average abe's peen is about one and a half inches king kong on the original version at least is 25 feet tall since the average jeep is five and a half feet tall that would make king kong have a penis size of just under seven inches which is completely survivable i did the math so you all don't have to does this mean i could get a king kong dildo and have it be movie accurate it's almost over 14 years since this movie was released and i don't understand how a bull have tits i mean it's a kids you wouldn't wanna you wouldn't like to see a 25 centimeter ding dong bouncing in the entire movie hey you don't know that'd be i wanted to see the little dangle around funny laugh man spent 12 years in a coma i heard everything including his mother saying i hope you die whatever my mom says that every day that turned out fine what if santa gets covered and passes it on every household in the world in one night and kills the entire human race on christmas don't homicide um can i have my baby back no i told you no babies you get this back at the end of the semester who stuff's baby in the desk drawer the baby drawer man screw this pandemic i miss eating out my friends wait no sorry with my friends with my friends apparently you had out your friends what you did what's harder peeing with an erection or giving birth why not both giving birth with an erection hello little human okay i'd kiss you now actually fun fact the cat is checking the baby's mouth to see if it's still breathing we're not breathing the cat would commence to eat fun facts hey breathing normally is easy mode i turned on the asthma difficulty for the extra challenge oh so it's an optional difficulty how do i turn it off start a new game do it [Laughter] yo oh it's a ps5 ah son you couldn't get a girlfriend so i got you one you even think about telling greg will not stop referring to his testicles as gregg stickles how i discourage him from this behavior all right just checking in all right checking in greg has been neutered so he can kiss goodbye to his greg stickles you've been visited by the good sleep hamster upvote within the next six seconds and you'll be blessed with cozy and restful sleeps oh well to view more photos of such cute hamsters visit www.xhamster.com you could trust me i'm just a stranger on the internet there's a stranger on reddit in 1989 you know in 2020 how times have changed it really looks like yoda harvested george lucas's youth in order to rejuvenate bastard my fiance just told me he has feelings for someone he met at work this week he's been working from home that chick must be good at hiding yeah i am complete the sentence wait don't jump it's not that high get to the roof hey come on come on man i just wish someone would kiss me the way biden makes out with his 19 year old granddaughter wow this put niche on the roof of my mouth that only a shotgun could scratch how to out pizza the hut and dominoes but better oh joshua weissman don't forget that you just gave me your address went out pizza the hut will outlive the josh i love a pikachu so happy well yeah i'd be too he has the power to literally kill everyone in the hot spring except for p chewing what's the weirdest compliment you've ever been given wow i'd kill my grown children if i can go back in time to make a new set with you old lady buying cigarettes thanks gretchen physician 20 miles from patient performs long distance heart surgery with remote control robot that's cool as hell but you could also now die in real life due to lag so i mean there's that as well best halloween costume of the year yeah cause arch nemesis is legs luther he just pushes over the wheelchair an architectural masterpiece norway is opening a whale watching museum in the shape of a whale fan wow place to observe whales my country it's called mcdonald's how many calories are in uranium 20 billion calories are you challenging me wait wait wait wait you're telling me uranium canadian world hunger let's go and feed these poor kids some uranium actually i think the u.s tried to do that in japan guys joining the military is the male equivalent of screw this i'm gonna become a stripper yeah well one's a noble career which takes a lot of bravery and courage and the other is the military so i don't know why you're trying to compare the two you're an endangered species you've been added into minecraft which will bring more awareness about the situation and maybe we could fix it hey nice so you're saying i need to make more animals endangered so mojang will add them okay who's next what's the worst thing to say to a girl before going down on her you really do look a lot like your mother our mother [Laughter] you wake up in the year 3020 after being cryogenically preserved what is the first thing you do boot up a porn simulation let it rip a thousand years of built up sperm that jazz will fly so hard it'll pressure wash the logo off the nasa shuttle let me tell you that i'm just saying what was your school's huge skin uh we had a guy that go into the bathrooms and smearers poop all over the walls and jerk off on all the toilet paper he would destroy any bathroom he went into and he wouldn't be allowed to use it for a couple of days our principal would get on the loudspeakers at school and announce that the poopa traitor has struck again and tell us what bathroom was not to use he finally got caught in the act sorry this this bat this lasted up this lasted for about three weeks it was the six foot seven goth of a giant probably weighing 350 plus pounds finally got caught in the night that had a chase through the entire school running through the lunchroom down to the gym just knocking anybody over trying to get in his way the football coach was finally able to tackle him after he sprinted through the school with poop on his hands for 15 minutes straight he had all five stars on gta he is a menace to society that was a cursed paragraph hansel and gretel ends with two germans pushing someone into an oven yeah but the witch deserved it she was a big nose curly-haired liar who was hoarding all the treats for her grease uh oh little boy invites his entire kindergarten class to witness his adoption you know the kids of the scots are orphaned too he is evil pov you became friends with the kid you never saw again crawling through a tube and runs into another kid hey which way is the exit oh i don't know i never made it out kids ghost vanishes in front of you that's when you realize it's closed it's been 10 years men have read it what is the hardest thing to explain to why i'm hard no i'm not horny i wasn't thinking of anything i was reading about the fall of the roman empire okay it just does that what part of the roman empire do you find most sexually arousing ah now the part where julius caesar gets penetrated over and over again by all his friends and that's probably the best part japan's first lady made a surprise to pearl harbor you know what they say the japanese are big on surprise visits to pearl harbor you love doing he loved doing that you could upgrade one organ in your body what's it do now well since i was born deaf you could imagine that's an easy answer for me i would love to have a bigger dick god i would death and a micro penis oh french pigs be like japanese pigs be like oink american pigs be like stop resisting sounds about right a woman filmed driving without a seatbelt says it wasn't her fault because the belts are quote racist to fat if that's a race got it yeah race to the death phoenix why i'm losing it how serial killers who never got caught watched documentaries about their crimes oh relatable wait what would you say if you could telepathically say something that all 7.8 billion people on earth could hear at once what would it be pick the correct religion i am real and this is the proof you've been asking then i'd watch the world blow up what movie would be better if it didn't have a happy end uh toy story three was the role toward the incinerator fade to black credits with a very sad randy newman singing a down tempo had a friend uh hey satan it's goddamn kids movie okay think tom hanks would be in something sad no in britain we don't bother with these bull crap elections we just have a queen that doesn't die i reckon that'll change soon i reckon you're full of garbage and just some prick owns a gun i reckon it'll happen on november 25th schlatter huh i don't think you could say that man what did we learn your cat can make your death seem like a suicide we ain't like other triplets yeah it kills you some trooplets on the field and your enemy is like what the hell man i already shot that chick two times she respawning how's she doing that i found my ex-girlfriend's body in the morgue i work out this is very awkward yeah she's still giving it a silent treatment cold shoulder she goes to you well no she didn't ghost by the will say she is kind of like a dead weight why is billy eilish's brother dating someone that looks exactly like billy maybe he doesn't know it's not his sister oh that's weird yeah they look very similar that's terrifying this picture speaks a thousand words um i think i think i can say seven at least you know she got filled with that optimus slime i think that's that's seven at least coincidence or not if the alphabet equals twenty six then knowledge eleven times fourteen times fifteen to what plus twenty three then knowledge gives you ninety six percent hard work 98 both are important but fall just short 100 now attitude that's a hundred percent oh no gay sonic 4 gives you 152 i'm just saying you know germans neatly sorting glass even after the container is full well you know germans have historically been very good at sorting by color this isn't of much surprise that's god-awful you're watching porn hear no sound even though it's on max you know last night i was watching the porn and i accidentally pressed cast a tv i found a samsung tv and started streaming i'll have a samsung tv in my house sorry neighbor frequently bought together cat girl headphones cat girl mouse confederate flag the sound will rise again spider gf catches you on their web spider gf 88w 88 what's this all right stop sending me spider hentai it was just a tweet come on if you're cold they're cold bring them inside all right what's step two because there's a bear in my closet invite him to dinner i ate kiwis with the hairy skin on my mom said it seemed like my mom said i seemed to like it so she wasn't gonna stop me later on i find out that i'm a freaking agent for doing it but i still eat it that way because i like it the only downside is that since i like the texture of the hair and the skin i have forbidden fruit moments when i'm looking at the abdomen of a tarantula yeah obviously this comment right here lock him up put him in the clink put him in the clink i don't want to see him ever again put him in the clink throw away the key you guys always act like you're better than me they all taste the same so who am i to care chonky hedgehog and her babies they're born with the spines dang oh that must have been an awful birthing process uh look what i imagine guy fieri's testicles look like take a shed load of muscle relaxants take a deep long breath shove the entire titanic up my ass why me why my post thought that was funny why does it have a wholesome seal award why who gave it that naked girl gets 500 likes in five minutes let's see how much a veteran can get depends if he shows me his tits cough him up cough him up happy birthday mom and dad yo how they got the same birthday they're twins no they're crips it's plain different what if i unplugged your router in the middle of your game use the time to form a strong romantic relationship with you that eventually leads to marriage when we eventually grow old together and we find ourselves in the hospital on life support i'll bring up the time we unplugged my router then unplug your life ziplong con [ __ ] i was playing fortnite a tick that makes you allergic to meat is spreading a single bite can reprogram your immune system looks like the vegans have launched their first attack i'm not a burger oh you're more than a burger you're a steak you're a stew a versatile queen is what you are never just confine yourself to the means of a burger people who have sex with celebrities how was it you know it was great until they kicked me out of the wax museum but i was bumping elbows and bumping much more oh rubbing shoulders was the least of what i was rubbing who's your favorite artist mom my mom would she create yep right here that's the 14th reason why didn't even know there was 14. that's the 14th one right there male redditors have read it have you ever shown your best friend your penis if so why we were at a party with 30 or so guys and we all took turns two people walk into the bathroom and small stick leaves last man standing when oh i'd be first out males of it when was the absolute worst time you had a random bone i was holding a weeping woman who i was coming to realize i was in love with during a funeral moved her to my side but i think she knew oh no that's just morning wood guy don't even worry about it happens all the time a bomb dropped by britain during world war ii just exploded in a canal in poland boris be like why did i just get xp what happened what what it's weird people whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house such as plumbers and electricians what was the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house my wife being kissed in your sleep is like the purest form of love i mean unless you're home alone don't put that image in my mind no no no no no i'm trying to sleep alone i stretch out in the bed turn to my side and i get right oh oh smart people have poor eyesight because lower graphics make your brain run faster yeah you know stephen hawking closed all the background tasks for fps you know stephen hawking he just really liked to optimize his set his window settings you know new boeing 737 fusela fuse lodges i hope i said that right wrecked in train derailment uh in montana july 2014. is boeing now pre-crashing them for the convenience of their customers seems like a weird service but hey if they if you know what their customers want i guess this is garabaldo from brazil he may look scary but he's one of the nicest birds i know big bird i'm sorry but garabatta looks like he sells orphans don't frown garen baldo you know what you sell orphans and organs and orphan organs at that i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field no rent no job no college just moo it's all fun and games until you're 80 20. and that's yummy scientists say that if a giant asteroid hadn't killed off all the dinosaurs intelligent dinosaur roids might have evolved in humanity's place bruh imagine a velociraptor opening an only fan's account come on second would you buy that i wouldn't buy that would you i'd be terrified i know amazon drivers be like damn this house again you know i work on an ambulance and the thought is the same same process different job american girl releases first doll with hearing loss the other ones can hear us oh no your heartbeat is probably perfectly synchronized with someone else's yeah my girlfriend that's sweet especially if you're dead then they're extra synchronized they think that women youtubers can't go to heaven because men masturbate over them this is crazy you know what read one out for them now no one goes to heaven joke's on you guys 14 year old student builds an atomic bomb as a science project now detonate it for the history project i think that'd be real that'd be real funny you'd be in the history books i'd guarantee you'd be in the history books works great my girlfriend and i were on the verge of breaking up because i would keep her awake at my constant mouse clicking not anymore consider this relationship saved this mouse is so silent she'll sometimes forget i'm even home and invite her lover over he's a pretty cool guy got me chicken nuggets one time guys who sag their pants below their butt why you know easy access for the homies you are married to the love of your life but they're cursed every time you have sex their life is shortened by one day but you can never tell them how do you make the relationship work you have sex as much as possible and take out a huge life insurance policy on them get to bang my dream girl for a bit then be rich after i'm a happy guy if this video gets 666 comments and this comment gets 666 likes not hell but a deadly virus will levate earth next year what he knew my queen killing you dusty ass females check out her naughty profile on mad for hoes [Laughter] oh she's killing them all right by luring them into the sewers with red balloons and paper boats oh that kobe joke is too soon oh bruh if i draw an edge on her forehead if only elephant brains rag to humans the same way that human brains react to puppies they think we're cute my life has had no greater joy than knowing elephants think i'm cute all right now imagine a puppy killing your entire family in order to sell your teeth as jewelry not so cute now huh when you realize everyone in the marvel universe speaks english which means that britain must have colonized the entire universe laughs in british here we are when i last watched it they were speaking german ah so the germans invaded jupiter saturn neptune and uranus makes sense given that they are all gas planets you know what i can't take him seriously his username has chungus among us next to it he's just a chungus in 1910 there was a u.s baseball team made up of death row inmates whose execution dates were delayed as long as they were winning otherwise known as a clutcher kick kratos is on the nice list hashtag god of war you didn't know he killed people right who hasn't answered me who hasn't even i all say nick i made a gun gold saint click click clack clown what's ready or not here i come in your native languages oh blitz creek here we go again well i'll be god damned we really are the same color on the inside i'm not going to read that second part i like this first part it's wholesome i'll leave it there hi hello there damn six feet and three inches you're tall these are two separate measurements damn didn't know humans could only be three inches tall with a six-foot dick too oh my god crazy being said about my friend's death turning him into a meme so his memory can live in forever i mean he will die two times now since he's a meme template sorry to break it to you i named my dog five miles so i could tell people i walk five miles every day i ran over five miles today nice nice nice congratulations man man who donated his mother's body to an arizona center for alzheimer's research discovers it was sold on to the us military for six thousand dollars strapped to a chair and blown up in a blast test wow and how do you even discover such a thing piece by piece thank you thank you thank you this woman just came about three hundred dollars worth of fireworks and i was being nice and said oh are you planning a big barbecue and she said no my son has muscular dystrophy i was supposed to die by 18 we're celebrating his 40th birthday tomorrow he likes fireworks he likes fireworks wow you know that's a pretty cool way to put her son out of his misery isis announces it will suspend all terrorist operations due to the coronavirus outbreak oh thanks satan hey this is fake my boss still wants me to work this is garbage my name is kim yo jong and i'm late for my first day as dictator you know i'm not gonna lie that's actually kind of cute i'd let her nuke me what'd you down it's not very american of you he's an insider google user review of chernobyl plant i can count on one hand the amount of times i've been here and it's 14. don't ask i feel so paranoid like everyone's out to get me he knows this didn't help my paranoia at all oh we know we know i don't know how to describe it come on get him he wants to leave without paying we're not letting that bastard do it crab boiled in pepsi max for two hours served in a baguette sorry for good quality why i was tired of the sun always blinding me while i'm on the computer i wanted rain and i thought the best way to do that was to make god cry men have read it would you take a male birth control pill why or why not yeah i want to be giving birth anytime soon right no way i'm pushing a baby out of my penis until i'm damn sure i want kids just irresponsible otherwise this could be us you know even though i was like 10 i still thought how the hell did he pipe her i mean he's a donkey and she's a dragon was there like a was there a uh like a tube involved or they just walk in like make a deposit leave like a bank i wish the sequels expanded on that biodegradable cigarette filters with flower seeds you could help nature in two ways by planting trees and killing yourself that's a little dark i don't know if we should add that in but hey i said it you know she's a hoe when she puts her phone in her back pocket said didn't know that was indicative of anything i'd do it because i like the vibrations well you know you know what if why stop with the back pocket let me just shove it up my [ __ ] then why not why not if it makes me a hoe in my back pocket maybe i like the way it feels if you're afraid of guns just remember that even winnie the pooh was on when he heard a bump in the night bro imagine getting shot by winnie the pooh with a double barrel well you don't have to imagine if you're in china what are you saying you're saying that some some sort of national leader looks like winning the pool is that what you're suggesting i don't think i'm allowed to well i just got daily banned in china yoda and the originals creature i am yoda and the prequels backflip i do responsible for war crimes i am a misrepresentation of my character this is guilty of all charges i am not as george bush after it during presidency iphones are so nice without the case well it's because everything feels nice without protection didn't we learn something guys do you remember when big time russian patchy the pirate from spongebob had a crossover i don't know this looks like the sort of a very questionable gay porno but i'll keep watching this out of curiosity nothing funny you guys remember when bugs bunny shot someone because he wouldn't stop coughing getting major north korea vibes took an allergy test turns out i'm allergic to almost everything do not leave home do not pass go do not have a social life do not consume any food or drink honestly man just eat a big peanut butter sandwich and i'll be roll better stats when you respawn that's a bad roll man i'm so bored i've been trying to get these two to tell me bible stories for the past hour you know my mom took a cucumber into her room one time she kept saying oh god so it must have been a good sermon no no there was no holy activities going on my friend this new animal breed oh my god is that a cat or a sheep it is a please don't call it that would you friend me called a [ __ ] or would you like a chat i did both earlier but don't yeah that really tickled you huh silence is violence mute people maybe i'm a monster perfect slaughter all the mutes not that they're gonna have anything to say about it what are they what are they gonna do talk what are they what are they gonna do say no they can't say anything adam sand i forgot to press the unmute button on them and click and now they're like that forever what would you do if you found me in your fridge well i'd be extremely scared because the other bodies in my fridge don't smile what's different about this one at my funeral there's going to be a closed casket and then it'll be open to reveal that i'm not inside we'll turn on the ceiling fan and my lifeless body will swing on the room while the space jam theme song is playing in the background i for one think that's a beautiful funeral plan one that really that's a real tear-jerker until the lights turn on and then it's a party oh no my mom says i can't do that is the pinata option still available where they cover your body in pink and yellow sticky notes and have you hang from the top of the roof when i die i want my body to look like a fortnite loot box i want to be inside a a fortnight drop a big blue crate today i discovered my husband has me in his phone as jennifer wartman well it could be worse one of my identical twins has the other twin in his phone has spare parts i mean you could always be worse reply to this tweet in the next hour and spotify you can ireland might slide into your dm's with a surprise nobody wants to see your dick spotify we want premium is this how we got is this how we gotta get it now is this how i skip ads this is weird as hell i need to talk to your pr team that one was weak teen masturbated 56 times straight before dying of heart attack impressive who counted it like was guinness there was it a like a world record was like a referee situation was he doing laps actual superheroes he killed my dad wow a lot changes in that depending on who speaks first halloween 2019 my superman and his super girl you know he didn't think this couples costume completely through because supergirl is superman's cousin no he thought it through all right got suspended twice in school suspension five times always skipped class had a 2.4 gpa and did nothing but [ __ ] around you can do it kids now too bad we can't all sleep with our teachers some of us are ugly how high is too high to jump off a building originally it was a team project but we're down to one imagine you miss a payment on a tesla and it just drives itself back to the dealership now imagine old dead people in their teslas just arriving places now imagine cars black widow is scheduled to drop in theaters exactly three months from today well i mean technically black widow dropped in theaters two years ago she died remember i do please not flush anything other than bathroom tissue thank you carefully puts turret in pocket had it twice for safekeeping an estimated four percent of the internet is porn well really it's all pointing if you have the right attitude and i have an attitude of gratitude so you bet it's the right one japanese death or inmates are not told they're dead of execution they wake each day wondering if today may be their last it sounds like they want to leave them hanging am i right am i right i had cancer and got really skinny for a while everyone kept asking me my secret and then got all offended and told me it wasn't funny when i told them cancer it wasn't the truth though cancer cheat won't make you drop wait later tomorrow i'm back to a healthy weight now ten years later so what type of cancer you recommend which one's the easiest what's the easiest you know remission to weight loss ratio i made the softest pant in the world and here i am thinking winnie the pooh had only fans women's 100 meter rr1 well you know at least the comments aren't disabled oh wait it's the paralympic games no [Music] oh no grown men really let a football match ruin their day lol yeah growing women let zodiac signs shape their future well to be fair cancer can really shape your future so i think i think that's uh there's some fairness in that my boyfriend really cheating on me with this japanese name anna may or however the [ __ ] you spell it oh went she oh no he's dipping his hands in all the baskets this high school was strategically designed to make it harder for a potential mass shooter bro they are literally designing entire schools like maps and fps games this looks like i'd play this on a cs go game if you laugh at other people's conditions you'll be like them in the future bill gates lmao bill gates is a millionaire come on come on there is a giraffe loose in minnesota oh just wait until all the cops find out giraffes are from africa someone better tell the giraffe you know if i were a nun i would wear heelys and glide everywhere just to mess with people no don't do that why not you know stop me i didn't think so i glide long ago a wolf explained to his son eat a man and you'll be fed for a day whimper and roll over and play dead it'll feed you for a lifetime and the next day the wolf woke up to find his balls missing found his big old balls missing the wolf said this was a mistake dude my epilepsy friend loved this scene so much he's dancing on the floor weird lol should i poke him what's going on is he okay doing a crazy dance the harlem shake's so old i don't know why he's doing it now new prototype economy airline seats looks like see they're trying to break the record for most deaths in a plane crash this is just bicycle seats with consequences there is no with extra steps really the idea of ghosts that moan may have been started by children that hurt their parents having sex in an adjacent room and denied having heard it ah that explains ectoplasm too you have all the answers who should a self-driving car kill the baby or the grandma depends on where you're from well i mean if you drift you should be able to take out both of them why choose when you could have both i'm a man of i'm a man of ultimatums the ultimatum is i want all of them i'm a man of absolutes so i will absolutely wreck both of them there is one fourth of july that always sticks out for me 1997. that's the year my stepdad pulled me aside from the fireworks show to reveal he bought a grenade he tossed it off a cliff and just he and i saw it i started calling him dad the man earned it that was a dark year for me me and my dad were at the grand canyon for the fourth of july and then out of nowhere he just blew up right beside me it was like that scene in the first episode of the boys he was just his hands were in my hands that was all i had my uber driver rigged a covent barrier up with ac running to the back with these homemade air vents turns out it's actually just exhaust gases trying to kill me so you can steal my wallet smart move uber driver smart move sean of the dead only a half star dude there was way too many brits in this one movie well i'm edgar wright i directed the movie in my defense i tried to reduce the amount of brits by having most of them eaten in the movie but i'm sorry if there was still too many for your liking um next time i could have all of them eaten but i don't know how we're gonna resolve the movie after that thank you for your biting criticism griff griff my cat caught a baby rabbit and brought it into the house oh my dog did that once it was a baby and i was so shocked at how gentle he was with it i ended up freeing the poor thing oh my god i read it as frying i was horrified hey pal nothing greater than the taste of the fried bunny you don't say that it tastes good raw too um no not raw i'm not having like rabbit sashimi i'm okay hey reddit what's the dumbest thing you believed was real when you were a child that if you walk next to a road that didn't have sidewalks the drivers were legally obligated to hit you with their cars obligated oh if only i would have racked up so many points ah good times good times nickelodeon you can't show people dying on screen and avatar meanwhile on spongebob fish sticks get your fish dicks here hey i do love to eat my audiences very quizzy man this beat drop harder than my grandma on the stairs oh damn grandma how'd that be go again damn straight graham i scared them i got a break slamming on the table he was like whoa what's going on it's okay brick just reading some cursed comments me there's no way we live in a simulation person have you ever seen your neighbor bringing in groceries oh god no i haven't i mean i did kill them five years ago and the house couldn't be resold so no i i guess that you know it's fair enough glass frogs on a leaf and those are the forbidden gummy candies not allowed to eat them but you can't admire from a distance your hacker name is the combination of your username and password read backwards so my hacker name is mark victor oh oh that's his password all right i'm not gonna read that i'm not gonna read that mark victor she see a doctor i eat cereal without milk i eat hot dogs without hot that's right dude a girl my middle school died doing that was she okay no as i said she died and she's obviously not why'd he get a wholesome seal for saying someone died hold on i see that and let us know if her condition improves buddy i'm sorry death sounds scary do infinity and beyond i'll be back dad no oh dead inside from mentor incel we have it all baby hey what's going on he's splooting oh he's splooting hardcore baby my fbi agent watching 10 year old me google boobies my fbi agent now watching 23 year old me google how to sell my own kidney wait why sell your own kidney when you can sell someone else's keep your own kidneys outsource the production my dad left got his art displayed in public for the first time and i'm super proud of him oh bro my dad left too damn bro not quite what i meant but i'm sorry wait you eat cats me too dogs and donkeys as well wait how do you marinate them well usually i eat them alive i'm an alien so venom actually what's this a sneak peek at the bathrooms of super nintendo world at universal studio parks feel even more immersed at the mushroom kingdom as you water these thirsty piranha plants be in my mouth now pee in my mouth give me pee pee in the urinal let me give him something to really save her you know i'm tired of uncle sam what about auntie sam no that's incorrect she would have a gun she'd be a bit overweight and going to mcdonald's for breakfast i live in america so i know how it goes but fun depiction buddy ikea confesses that their meatballs are made out of the people that didn't find the accent where can i find the recipe i have the ingredients all right cannibalism is not a joke it happened to me you mean someone ate you or you ate someone else yeah exactly i mean if you're here it means that you ate someone so by the way is ikea meatballs made out of human balls or what's up with that i'll never tell no thanks i'm allergic to peanuts i almost killed a guy oh mission failed try next time next time force feed him mozart was a he musician you know that music is art too you know that dessert too so how about you stop talking about what is it is an art bunny until you recognize my favorite kind tired of it this man has been keeping his arm raised for over 45 years the reasons behind it are incredible you know that's an interesting way to know fap so you know proud of him for keeping the cause alive the cursed doggo i hope we can play together again when the npc you really had fun playing with goes back to their generic dialogue after request man the worst thing about life is the life span of the pets dude gonna pay human i've heard they live pretty long well the ones in my basement didn't oh basement comment oh it's cursed oh it's spooky get original hey don't forget to throw on some occasional food for them it's quite important apparently i've learned from experience believe me i don't want to go through that again hey this is fake right uh unfortunately not i saw this episode a while ago and apparently her grandfather died in front of her when she was a child the grandfather's dead eyes moved and looked at her and that scared the ever living out of her olives apparently reminded her of the dead gays she's scared of olives her entire life after that this episode aired around 2000. i hope she's doing well nowadays dude that's pretty funny yeah for a similar reason i'm terrified of cucumbers stared right at me horrified of them so alluring at the same time though hey are your dad free on any time of the week oh let me just grab my ouija board and ask him bestie i'm attaching a demon to your spirit when i lost my ex at a party i found him hooking up with another girl in the next room last night i lost my boyfriend at a party and found him alone eating buffalo chicken dip straight out of the crocodile that's upgrades well ideally the boyfriend would have been eating buffalo chicken dipped straight out of another girl in the next room how she got the buffalo chicken dip in her is another question entirely ah emergency toilet paper it looks like it's already been used but you know that's all right i gotta make do it's a pumeranian i'm gonna sit up did someone say d-day why does it have a wholesome seal why is there a hole why my dad wondering where i got the extra battery for the remote me who took it at a mom's lightsaber that vibrates too and blot twist buddy that was your dad's what is that why are you so sad parents be like damn i missed when you were nine and didn't have a personality so you did everything i told you too that reminds me of the time i uh corner of my room to mark my territory from the cat we're not the same pixie darko we are not the same hey how do cemeteries not run out of space well you see the cemetery and local sausage company are owned by the same people the steady supply of meat in the cemetery has plenty of vacancies so think about it huh damn shaggy really been hustling in these streets to fund his scooby snack addiction ever since the gang kicked him out you ever wonder how they had scooby snacks was that already a brand before the named scooby scooby or was that named after scooby because he was so popular in the tv show i never knew that i never i i don't know if we ever got an answer for that white black asian gay straight people who have naked women as their wallpaper well i have a nude picture of my dad as my desktop background and it's the perfect family not just the snowmen but the snow women and children too they're all being taken down good god since special effects were too hard to do lucasfilm actually built an entire death star in space and blew it up in new hope there were some casualties ah that's fake that didn't happen uh yes it did i paid to sit in the splash zone do your research buddy [Laughter] parents watching their kids put ketchup on a 200 wagyu steak and this is why you don't feed kids they just don't understand they don't get it how do you guys get this big so quickly if you go to the gym you support fat shaming i don't think that's necessarily true this is a very strange oh it's on it's on our slash offensive jokes no wonder this is contentious oh by the way it's not true if you want to go to the gym support yours support yourself that's fine do what you want to do your body your choice bout my take on it is i don't give a [ __ ] it doesn't affect me i'm going to do whatever i want to do for my own body you do whatever you want to do for your own body i don't give a [ __ ] [Laughter] everyone makes mistakes says teen i knew about this i talked about this in a face palm video didn't i i'm pretty sure i did the man who kicked the 74 year old guy into the river hey why could i see this in a physics test banning an old man standing next to the mercy 20 meters above the walter's surface ben kicks the old man with a force of 50 newtons for 3 seconds how long does it take for a scouser to start singing drowning in the mercy interesting question i don't know what do you think comment section i don't feel like making a review but my ipad wouldn't close without one so thugs hugo 50 gigs in a good very yet if he giving up his thigh he gave it juice so i'm saying a new york city police officer comes face to face with ming a 350 pound tiger secretly living in an apartment in harlem in 2003. i have a cougar at home and a similar thing happens to me often anytime someone knocks at my door she tries to pounce and scares me i tried telling her to knock it off but i mean she's my mom so what do i get you know what can i do yeah it's life crispy vegan balls yummy those are human testicles yummy this man looks like if a disney prince grew up in a bad neighborhood he text a girl that is going to cinder rail her because like the get it cause like the princess get out oh uh i want to solve the puzzle luck be in the air tonight luck be in the air tonight no duck be in the ass tonight that's right uh oh son i'm 14 and this is deep two people on a donkey's back poor animal how cruel he is by letting his wife walk dude how stupid he is by letting his wife take the ride alone fools don't even know how to utilize the donkey and this is our society sad but true man i don't know what to tell you well duh they're supposed to carry the donkey everyone knows that no no it's like the donkey rides them that's how they're on they're supposed to be on their hands and knees and the donkey gets on so it gets confusing i understand but that's how it's supposed to go i know we live in a crazy society nerf mortar and flashbang the nerf mortar and flash bang playing nerf with people with epilepsy throws flashbang automatic wind my dudes look they're shaking they're shaking don't even gotta use any of my nerf bullets it's pointless we already won well this isn't quite what i expected when i searched garfield inflation but this will do i'm so excited for this date i've been saving up all week i don't really oh i really don't mind splitting the bill yeah i'm not talking about the bill say some tip for the waiter sir i know what i'm saying oh i'm gonna show that way or some gratuity that's gross [Laughter] dude this scene is so good that my parents like to reenact it at 10 o'clock at night while i'm playing minecraft bravo adam driver oh my god what a what what a performance really nobody people in movies when somebody does something cool he's the herald he's the champion that's why they're holding them up oh so when spongebob puts cheese on someone's food he's a hero but when i do it i'm told please don't do that i'm lactose intolerant and seriously stop putting cheese on my fruit salad like you should be grateful i'm a hero okay i'm a cheese-based hero now eat your cheddar singles all right here we go i know amazon drivers be like damn this house again dude i work on the ambulance the thought is the exact same go to the same house both of you [Music] imagine just sucking all his earwax out like a straw [Music] you know it costs zero dollars to keep thoughts like this to yourself oh oh i keep it to myself when you get something even more priceless by your reactions it is priceless oh man i haven't seen this meme in a while my mother-in-law who i secretly hate keeps complaining she can never win an ebay auction for an old childhood toy she's wanted for decades i out bitter every time i see one come up online and throw them away once i get them [Music] you should wait until she's dying and give them all to her moments before she passes away and say it was always me [Laughter] oh that's awful when humans were prey yeah that's why i leave my kitchen window drapes open i let the birds see me scramble eggs just so they know what i'm capable of inform their next of kin what's going down oh and a little bit of eye bleach warning sociable dog those who do not wait what oh those who do not flee will be cuddled to death from peanut dude i can hear the excited tippy taps and tail wiggles from here i can still hear the screaming that sign isn't a joke strippers don't have any air conditioners in their homes oh yeah only fans [Laughter] actually i thought the joke was gonna be because they work at the polls oh that took me a second oh that's funny oh is my dropbox stopped responding no there we go i fixed it i fixed it fart sound effect 100 hours i played this with my mom sent a voice message to her friends all right edit i'm sleeping on the street guys you didn't like that joke too much all right it was fun hello neighbor worse than i thought oh don't don't even tell me about it that game was a disappointment oh yeah it's that one weird game where you invade your neighbor's privacy and you break and enter you commit a crime oh dude i play that game all the time now i have a restraining order but like oh that's gonna stop me you know what i mean wow that's a nice beverage you got there be a shame if someone were to jump in there and die oh a glorious death yeah add a little more crunchiness to the chewy bubble tea don't disrespect my boba like that how's he getting through he ain't getting through my straw buddy [Laughter] god this music video was so bad oh i i feel i i always feel a little bad for for ripping on this music video but come on he looks like an elf on the shelf came to life oh the animation looks like it was dipped in french fry grease left on the bottom of a bts i ain't going no i don't know i'm gonna retract my statement right there sassy baca i ain't getting involved with that listen dream stands go hard but bts army i am convinced that all of them could have the ability to kill so i'm gonna just stay away from that we love bts here all right now now everyone watching us to go stream butter whatever dude gus is the only person i've seen so far who can simultaneously look 15 30 and 60. man of many talents don't quit look how far you've come if nobody else is gonna say it i will i'm proud of you who decides not to quit smoking wow so looks like a hopeful message just went the wrong way um my positive reinforcement went nowhere from or creo you can create clones but they end up in a random place on the earth is there a limit if not then let's solve world hunger well is it like clones of people or clones of anything because i don't even think this is a necessarily cursed comment if it's a clone of anything ipod ipad i paid steve jobs i died no he died how could you possibly leave this common if you died this is good a guy gets down on one knee a girl gets down on two knees person from chernobyl gets down on three knees am i right when the lego set says 3 to 99 years but you finish eating it in 15 minutes that's competitive eating baby nations of the world but it's only countries not invaded by england alternate title the queen's to-do list and time's a ticket queen listen if you want to get this done for them 12 days a morning you better start going now how quickly the maggots eat burger no i want to put a girl in it ah what's wrong weirdo i want to put someone in the box of maggots how fast can they go coal miners coming up a coal mine elevator after a day of work in 1920s belgium yeah they're gonna fit a lot more of the used children they're real compact sons of bass fit 15 in that in one compartment this looks like this looks like a terrible time god i love living in the modern world where i didn't have to do this people who buy with money why i want to support my cousin it's a family business sorry that was a bad joke it's a bad joke i i read i read support my cousin my brain was like oh this would be funny [Laughter] my kink is honestly so many things one of them is pinning someone against the wall and then mugging them [Laughter] pins you against the wall whispers i don't want to whisper this uh so instead i will give uh pov you're being mugged by popular youtuber chills pins you against the wall whispers give me all your money oh yeah so hot talk more i'm not joking give me all your [ __ ] number five i'm robbing you [Laughter] how to make a mummy from len bloch oh i was looking for a tutorial thank you wait gumball oh no switching to your knife is even quicker than reloading yeah i could confirm this this method helped me win the nerf war today wait what you'll ever be and when you go to wipe your finger slips through the paper and then you all just oh dude no i'm having a great time in the slippery today i had to participate in a wedding in five minutes oh well now at least everyone will know you came to the wedding bravo bravo bravo he did it an eyeball tattoo rainbow jesus i want to pop them out like gumballs and start chewing on them you can only pick one choose wisely dog girl girlfriend she loves you robot dog army are loyal to you but robo dogs don't have a mouth yeah but you have an army of robot dogs you can make a piss beer if you're if that's something you want to do and you watch that youtube video yesterday i really liked i really really like michael reeves morgan freeman wears earrings that are worth enough to pay for a coffin in case he dies in a strange place this is actually an old sailor's tradition yeah well i want a fancy coffin so that's why i've got a prince out what oh you a weird man wobbly cheese what is the worst thing to say at a funeral how much do i inherit how long do life insurance payout usually take orgasms are well known to assuage grief let me be there for you yeah i read that a sausage for some reason well that's just the second worst thing to say people who take walks at night what's the scariest thing you've seen uh two deer fighting then yelling at each other then having sex oh just like married couples dude this is exactly why her name is just short for cardiovascular bronchitis and nobody can change my mind [Music] stop buying plastic skeletons for halloween it's terrible for the environment locally sourced all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly dude it costs like 40 bucks to get a real skeleton where i live you pay for your real skeletons i get mine free and fresh baby after all free food is always free me when a tampon falls out under her skirt and i just [Music] that not reading post 40. soon as soon as i read it boo boo this post stinks the younger man i accidentally hit me hiding in a two by one home on half a heart oh dude it's way worse when it's just accidental eye contact and then the cereal yeah that sounds too specific did something happen yeah breakfast was ruined [Laughter] someone at disney thought this was a good idea no this was intentional yeah why are the thumbs at the bottom oh my god we got ice cream at home ice cream at home oh it's a fist emoji oh a knuckle sandwich favorite my parents just give me those all the time for dessert the what thomas thomas what do you what do you mean that doesn't sound like a very tasty dessert thomas are you okay dude these are my favorite game pieces do forget the zodiac signs tell me which monopoly piece you play uh no i always played as the dick one yeah it's because i got all four railroads and made it hell for everybody oh i've seen this video they're just beating the life out of this green goo and it's me when i find baby yoda grow goo grow gone turns out there's no candy because you were the candy all along so sweet and melt in your mouth sorry that was gross hey uh pro tip if you're a guy don't ever install an unshielded oscillating fan in your underwear you don't tell me how to live my life i don't get it why i don't know what this is i don't know what an unshielded oscillating fan is does or why i can't do that so you know what i'm with him you can't tell me how to live my life maybe i'll do it this was a full face swimming mask meant to protect a woman's face from the sun in the 1920s damn girl you looking fine what's your scp entry number list you might be cuter but i'm willing to risk it all six-year-old me drinking apple juice from a fancy glass i mean this is also the doctor when you pee in the cup but don't mind me i just lost my medical license the top 10 organs to sell to buy a gaming pc me and the boys were all bones now but check it out i got an rtx 3090. yeah you know i tried to do this but the doctor didn't want the 10 fresh hearts and kidneys i got yes i like i was like look they're straight farm fresh they're farm fresh doc and he threatened to call the cops of course i had to take his heart and kidneys too and now i got 11 pairs of hearts and kidneys i just don't know what to do with them that's 11 hearts and 22 kidney you know how hard it is to store 22 kidneys his hair be like the birds he drew as a kid you know after seeing his trim he must have told his barber i'm loving it well that's not really a cursed comment that's just funny yo how come in all the christmas movies the adults don't believe in santa yet not only is he an actual entity in the context of the film but he's the one putting presents under the tree like where do they think the presents come from they didn't put them there it's like not believing in the mailman or something it doesn't make sense oh dude i hate to break it to you but your mailman just one of your parents in a costume oh so that's why she's always inviting him upstairs and he keeps going i got a special package for you oh that's why would you make out with a girl who looks like your mom when she was young at this point i'd even make out with a girl who looks like me how sad ring bell for meat service you know the quotation marks are uh disturbing yeah just lay up my 12 inch chorizo sausage on someone's chin call that meat service hey come to the deli what's up salami pepperoni it's the meat service people who take an hour showering what do you do oh you know dissociate for the first 55 minutes i like to imagine all of my skin peeling off and then melting into the abyss also disassociating yeah that too actually showering after pooping pooping after showering you know sometimes you got meat in the middle and poop while showering oh someone just padlocked my ear and ran away with the key well you know this has me thinking what else can you put between those ear holes just so just pegged my ear and ran away just stuck his willy through my ear he said want a wet willy that's not what i meant that's not what i thought yo i wonder what attracts this lake to so many murders that want to drop their dead victims here maybe it's just the scenery the location who knows hey bro don't put pizza in the oven if you're gonna forget ah too late burned my house what are you gonna do british people playing chess and knowing their queen can't die yeah americans crying because they lost their two towers say it on your main account guy on alt the couch say it on main that was made on the 601 what day was that it was a cheese day [Laughter] if you ever get stung by a jellyfish try peeing on it not the sting the jellyfish it won't harm the jellyfish or reduce the pain you're feeling but revenge is sweet and warm and piss picture of saddam hussein and his body doubles in a boat i want you i you know what i dare you to find me an iraqi man of a certain age who doesn't look like that well the the challenge has been issued comet section go find him man gets diarrhea on a roller coaster and splashes 14 people and i already know what's gonna happen it's chocolate rain there it is some stay dry and others feel the pain ain't that the truth huh if you spell dog food lid backwards it spells dildo of god yeah i think jesus needs to die again for our sins well i didn't know jesus spoke in the third person just jesus is that you oh brown jesus 99 back up on the giant t buddy go for round two hey uh notch does minecraft steve have a square [ __ ] and balls well go ahead and flip a coin no they're normal shaped uh you don't get to make that decision anymore notch you no longer you are no longer notch minecraft you left the project so actually i'll rely on jeb and jeb probably says their normal shape too so i guess steve has a canonically normal shaped bangers and mash what are you doing step truck oh no actually this suvs are made this is normal hold up i thought i closed this tab sun tzu art of war not sure if that was in the actual book but i appreciate the quote i don't know what tbh means and to be honest at this point i'm too afraid to ask oh easy it means to be horny and tbh that's right the last thing you ate is what you have to name him left kidney stone [ __ ] covered frog sour worms little wolfers be doing madness these days that's right start deep throating the dog for little wolfers no no no you're wrong it's actually much better because if you look closely the man is buying ice cream car with a woman a dog and a skateboard all for just a hundred dollars wait you all rocking with buying women hey there's human trafficking in lego city buy the brand new windowless van it's my favorite thing to construct in lego city you can do whatever you like with my image my music remix it re-release it whatever just never make me boring well you got it freddy because here's the freddie mercury gets trapped in a slide and calls out for mama asmr you're welcome freddy also i know there's a comment at the end of this but i don't like it so i'm not reading it i'm not giving you the satisfaction to me saying that a cursed word i'm not doing it condoms aren't biodegradable if you care about the planet and have unprotected sex oh you know one condom is much less waste than the amount of waste a baby produces but you know a baby is biodegradable so it takes from the earth but gives right back doesn't it you know condoms can hold up to three liters of water if necessary i mean how much water can they hold if it's not necessary to your heart's content the worst she could say is no her female dragonflies often fake their own deaths to avoid having sex like that'll stop me wait hold on what i'm going to make a meme about you about how good i am right no internet explorer is slower than my younger brother ooh sad hey what you doing if they come after you i don't know go through a narrow doorway maybe it buys me at least five minutes a man goes to hell the devil greets him and says you have to pick your torture pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity the man goes through hundreds of rooms and can't decide until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on tv and getting a [ __ ] from a cheerleader the man says that's what i want to do for the rest of eternity the devil says are you sure the man screams hell yes the devil goes up to the cheerleader and says you can stop now i found someone to replace you oh well you know what they say one man's hell is another man's heaven explorers and the forest reaches of experience or whatever pinhead said whatever he said with his pin head hey germans have read it what is it like when you first learned of your country's history well i assumed disappointed because they lost but you know they can you know bring it back around [Laughter] yes well i'm guessing you save 15 or more on this you killed that stupid little gecko man take the title of the last song you heard nad in my ass fortunate sun in my ass well what's the last song i listened to let's open a spotify what was the last one i listened to so mine is a soda in my ass all right perfect cool would you rather speak every language or be able to speak to every animal but what if an animal flirts with me and i end up falling for it you already got some things to work out pal if that's your concern hey did you know a body decomposes four times faster in water than on land who starts a conversation like that i just sat down well not for nothing peter but this would have been nicer to know last week so uh thanks all right hey fun fact seagulls have a lifespan of 20 years well you know actually the eurasian herring goal can live 45 to 50 years they're a long-lived species well they also die after sex at least with all the ones i tried anyway poor creatures sex while the car is moving will become much more common with normalization of self-driving cars yeah cause my car's lack of intelligence is the only thing keeping me from getting laid okay that's why i chased the seagulls are we gonna try to censor this post this is just a gratuitous would you rather have me or this car and overwhelmingly the car cause that that lasts a lifetime easy decision i choose her now that i own another person i can force her to work non-stop for the rest of her life and use the profits to buy that car oh i see you're taking the capitalistic approach well found guilty hulk huh gives a whole new dimension nickelodeon's green slime doesn't it disgusting you're putrid think about what you've said and that's gonna do it for our slash cursed comments and i hope you guys enjoyed thank you guys for watching if you like this video and want to see more like it be sure to subscribe and until next time my name is damian you've been watching daily and i'll see you next time

Channel: DeeLee

Views: 1,194,659

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% true stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, ez pz, reddit funny

Id: -p8tPKRog0M

Length: 64min 48sec (3888 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 23 2021