Relationship Expert Reveals Red Flags You Need to Watch Out For | Matthew Hussey on Women of Impact

you don't trust that someone's never gonna betray you you just trust that you'll be able to handle it if they do that you'll be able to walk away that's a massive key to it stop worrying about whether you can trust someone else maybe you can't we don't know that only time will tell if you can trust somebody else that is a pointless waste of your energy to worry about worry only about yourself hope you enjoy this episode brought to you by our sponsors thrive guys get 10 off when you go to trythrive.com women of impact and use coupon code impact you don't know who you are without them but you lose yourself when you're with them you're sad when they're not near you and yet they make you feel shitty about yourself when they are your heart wants them so badly but your broken heart keeps begging you to stop and just just when you've convinced yourself that they're going to change reality lasts back at you you're in your own personal fun house and the jokes on you like the warped mirrors you no longer recognize your reflection you keep walking through the trapdoors of their manipulation you are constantly stepping on the shaky ground of their cruel sarcasm the fun house stopped being fun a very long time ago but you've been in there so long now that you can no longer find the exit but today today the relationship ringmaster himself is here to help us identify the red flags and break down toxic behavior what to look out for and how to navigate it if it does rear its ugly head whether you are single and looking for someone single and healing from a past wound or in a current relationship lean in because this man is about to drop knowledge love bombs one of the most sought after dating and relationship experts in the world a new york times best-selling author creator of the number one relationship advice youtube channel with over 2.1 million subscribers and over 382 million channel views my fellow homie from my motherland the heart doctor himself matthew hussey wow so because i think there's different people in different situations i want to start with how do you spot potential red flags on someone that could potentially be toxic in a relationship so let's say you're starting to date um and you want to know the red flag so that you can identify them before you maybe then commit to them so i suppose there's almost a distinction to make between toxic behavior and mismatches in investment because someone can be toxic there could be red flags that tell you that someone is really going to be poisonous for your life but then there could just be red flags that we are not on the same page okay it's not that they're toxic but our intentions are not the same what we're willing to put into this isn't the same so i think i suppose one that could fall into both categories is where someone's words don't match their actions can you give me an example well you know when you you know when you go on a date with someone and you know they start professing things their their feelings for you and you go how could you feel this so quick you know like this is seems a lot very quickly you know they're ready to write poetry for you after one day they're they're ready to you know they tell you oh my god i've never met anyone like you you're so incredible you're aft if someone's saying all of those things after one day that's a bit of a red flag to me because they don't really know you whatever they're saying has to in some part be to do with their projection of you what idea they have of you i feel the same way when someone comes into an interview with me and they're you know if they're trying to work for my company but the way they interview is like i will go to hell and back for you and i'll do this and i'll do that and i'll do that and i've just i i am so excited to work for your company whatever and i'm like but you haven't even asked me any questions about my company like i know that you're saying this from what you think from the outside but you don't know what it's like working on the inside of my company yet so you don't even know necessarily how much you'll enjoy it and and so i think that when someone is saying something that's not been earned yet by the point in relationship you're at that is something of a red flag so i think there's red flags in terms of is this person saying things that aren't earned by how much time we've actually spent together and how much we've actually got to know each other because if they are doing that it's probably not based on me it's based on an idea they have of me or just a way they want to feel a way they enjoy feeling and maybe they've enjoyed feeling that way five times in the last year and they're they're addicted to that rush that feeling uh and of course you know a classic sort of i don't like to say trait of a narcissist i prefer narcissistic leaning trait because i think that narcissist is a word that's thrown around so casually these days like everyone's a narcissist i think there's a there's a narcissistic streak in all of us you know we're all we've all got some in self-indulgence that rears its head and we spend most of our lives trying to depart from that to be the best we can be right to try and be more giving or or be less focused on us all the time i think we all have that that streak in us some more than others and some are you know we can say are genuinely diagnosable as narcissists but we we're throwing it around way too casually do you think then labeling things toxic is now becoming a thing just like narcissism where we're labeling things in order to be able to just dismiss someone well okay so this so that is there's something that hits on the crux of it in what you just said some people are genuinely exhibit toxic behavior i think sometimes it's dangerous to say someone's a toxic person they exhibit toxic behavior and sometimes like some of us exhibited toxic behavior in 2014 and not in 2015 because we were in a healthier place ourselves you know we've most of us have probably had toxic moments in our life that's not excusing someone who's going through that i'm not saying you should put up with someone who's going through a phase where their energy is toxic but you know i think there needs to be some separation between labeling someone a toxic person and saying the way they're behaving is toxic or the effect of their behavior is is toxic you could be with someone where every time you're vulnerable every time you expose yourself a weakness a wound something that's wrong and you do it in the right way i think there's a right way and a wrong way to do it and i'm a big believer in the idea that we often scare people off you know we have our favorite weapon some when we're scared when we're hurt when we're wounded we have our favorite weapon our favorite weapon could be passive aggression our favorite weapon could be the silent treatment our favorite weapon could be storming off it could be attacking you we all have our favorite weapon and i think we often scare people off in relationships not because of our wounds we scare them off with our weapons the problem is someone doesn't even see our wound because our weapon is so busy trying to like hide the wound exactly and really what's happening is this wound is screaming for attention all right i please heal me give me attention make me feel better but we we like to get that attention in ways that feel safe to us so the reason we get passive aggressive is because if i can if i can get sarcastic or if i can give you a little jab if i then i get attention but i get it in a way that feels safe because my wall is still up the problem is it doesn't help me with my wound because it doesn't help you get closer to me which might help heal me it doesn't help you know me better and you'll spend so much so much time trying to defend from my weapon that you can't ever actually step in and help heal my wound and so what i would say to flip that is when you are when you get good at being vulnerable with your wounds and do it in a classy way and doing it in a classy way is bringing it to someone in the right way and it's also bringing it with the right frequency being vulnerable isn't me telling you the same insecurity 10 times a day that's not vulnerability that's dumping i'm making you responsible for for my emotional state every time i feel it that's not the same thing as vulnerability vulnerability is i'm insecure about this i'm just making you aware ownership is the next 10 times i feel it today i know you're already aware so i don't need to tell you every time i feel it that i i have to do the work myself that's where that's where ownership comes in so both ownership and vulnerability have to dance together but when you feel wounded and you bring it up the right way i would say toxicity is when being vulnerable only when when being vulnerable with a person hurts you more instead of soothes you yeah when when it actually inflames and aggravates and makes things much worse when you're made to feel embarrassed judged humiliated less than unworthy for the vulnerabilities that you tried to bring to the table then there's something that's broken about the way you relate to each other in the relationship and that then can become extremely damaging um where there's a difference in energy where there's just a difference in effort that's where people have to be very careful because that's where people start labeling they're a narcissist well okay i get there's different when someone has truly misled you you know someone painted a picture of themselves as one person and then they turned out to be something completely different that by the way can happen to any of us and it has if you've been dating long enough or been in business long enough that's happened to you somewhere 100 so that's life you know people reveal who they are not through their words but through situations and you have to in order to really see who someone is you have to see them in in enough situations so that doesn't mean distrusting something they say about themselves someone can tell you something about themselves and you go that i take you at your word but that's not the same as investing based on those words you still allow someone to reveal themselves through their actions but if you're finding that ah i'm really noticing that my energy is in a different place to somebody else's i seem to be giving more than they're willing to give instead of allowing that to keep going and going and going and going and going to the point where you become so bitter and resentful at it that when they finally leave or it finally truly breaks down they're a narcissist or they're a terrible human being instead we have to catch catch it early enough because this is a major red flag right oh it seems to me we're in like month one or we're in week four or we're in week eight or month three and i still just feel like i'm willing to give to this more than the other person is at that point you have to notice that there's a gap do you think that that's a problem like don't you think people should actually ask am i willing to do this because sometimes some people may consciously say yeah i want this relationship so much that i want to give more than them or do you think that that's it will never work in that situation if you like if you want it so much you're willing to give more than them yeah well here's where your feelings don't matter like go on i'm so i i really you know like i remember doing an interview once with someone that had a t-shirt that said your feelings are valid and i just remember thinking are they why i get the context that's used sometimes like sometimes if for example you're in a long-term relationship and your partner has an insecurity about something right now that security may be unfounded it may be irrational they may be jealous about something there's nothing but in a sense their feelings are still valid the rationale might not be valid ah all right the rationale might be complete nonsense and we've all got there i mean i the number of arguments i've caused in relationships where a day later i'm like what was that what did i do and i i really think one of the big mistakes in relationships is assuming bad intention where it can be adequately explained by ignorance or just someone not thinking you know but we go to the worst possible motive you you were trying to screw me over you would try and like you didn't care about me at all why don't we jump to that we're immediately rushing to confirm our worst suspicion which is that we are a wretched piece of that isn't loveable is that is that like out of like defense kind of like protect your heart so just assuming the worst so you don't so when it happens you're not disappointed perhaps or perhaps it's just catastrophic thinking like you do something that that inflames uh my deepest fear or can be connected to my deepest fear and we're amazing storytellers as human beings so we're very good at drawing these connections between things we look for narrative this fits my narrative that i'm not good enough for you this fits my narrative that that people can't be trusted that if you're out if you're if i'm not in sight you'll try to get away with murder this fits you know if we have a narrative we we will find these grains of these these tiny granular actions that we can connect to that narrative because it's it's it's it's that immediate i'm confirming my worst fear i'm this is look see evidence it doesn't mean the thought is valid but the feeling can be valid right so in that context i believe feelings are valid if you go into a relationship thinking my partner's feelings aren't valid you're in trouble right but the reason when i see that t-shirt and it's like your feelings are valid i cringe a bit it's because i think of all the situations in which your feelings are incredibly dangerous and one of them is in the situation of really liking someone or loving someone and using that as your justification for continuing to invest and invest and invest and invest to make it work long beyond the point where the evidence suggests that's a good idea for your mental health for your time for your energy for your other relationships which suffer because this is poisoning you and you're miserable and you're giving your worst energy to everyone else in your life who can see that you're breaking down but your singular mission right now is to get this person to love you back and you lisa i have heard this argument over and over and over again someone is going through a breakup and the other person has told them it's not it's not they don't want to make it work the other person's told them oh i just you know the classic is i really love you you're the love of my life but if there's a butt why tell me the first sentence the first sentence is irrelevant if there's a butt coming it's because sandwich isn't it it is but it's this is for you this is so you can feel like the hero on the way out but when someone is exiting a relationship when someone is saying they can't be with you you have to be really honest with yourself and say is okay they're telling me that they can't be with me because whatever reason but there's telling me how much they love me and how they truly want to be with me but they i'm the love of their life but you have to ask yourself if i was them and i loved me the way they say they do what would i be doing right now what sacrifice would i be willing to make what compromise would i be willing to make and if they're not making that then you have to say they either don't love me as much as they're saying they do or we have completely different standards for how much we're willing to fight for each other either one is bad either one doesn't speak to a situation where you should continue investing but what people will do is they'll come to me and they'll say matthew i'll say why do you keep texting them back you broke up they keep reaching out okay why is this relevant information are they reaching out saying i made a giant mistake and i'm ready to invest on the level that you want me to no i mean they're saying that they really miss me and that they really love me and that they're really sad okay so zero information tell me what information that represents tell me what advancement that represents tell me what progress that represents other than just this phatic speech that's designed to elicit emotion without any form of progress the is either because they're just deeply sad and they're too selfish to realize in this moment that this is hurting you to reach out this way and it's only good for them because they can still get their validation or that they want to check that you're still there are you still there i mean i really miss you are you still there tell me tell me firstly how that's loving towards you when they reach out to you the problem is we get this message from this person and we go they're still thinking of me right it gives you the chemical rush that makes you feel good about yourself lisa it's like home it's like home just came back that's what it feels like you you're out in the wilderness you're in the abyss again of being single of the horrible wild west of dating that you didn't want to go back to of wondering when you'll meet someone that you have such a strong connection with again and then in all of this darkness home reaches out in the form of this blue light emanating from your phone and a set of letters that happen to form a name that you have been conditioned to to feel something when you see it on a pavlovian level you see that name on your phone and you can't help it you're this anchoring at that point you've you your emotions are anchored to that name but tell me how you reaching back out to him is a loving act i don't get it i i it's the you know it's it's out of love i i want to you know what someone once said to me recently but matthew i always want to lead with love and i said so let's break that down if that's truly your ethos if that's your philosophy let's break that down is reaching out to him if if either reaching out to him or replying to him is that leading with love your job first and foremost is to take care of you that's your number one job in the world is to take care of yourself to look after yourself no one no one is going to be responsible for that job to nearly the extent that you are in your lifetime you are the only person who has always been there for you you're the only person who has woken up with you every morning of your life and gone to bed with you every night on the hardest nights in your life in the most difficult moments in your life every time you were in your bedroom crying over something every time you thought your world was ending you were the only person that has been there every second of every day for your entire life your job your job not because you're so special but because it's your job is to look after yourself and when someone is going through a heartbreak and a guy or a woman keeps texting you and you keep responding out of this misguided sense of love you are deeply wounding every time the one person you're supposed to show more love to than anybody the one person that you have custody over that you your job in your life is to take care of you're you're wounding that person over and over again and people do that in the name of love all the time they are masochists to themselves in the name of love i but i love them and it it has to stop and those feelings don't matter i really believe your feelings about someone if that person can't deliver if they can't give you what you need if they can't show up for you your feelings towards them are irrelevant is that why you think people find it very difficult to forgive because they can't get over the fact that they've betrayed themselves why do i think people find it hard to forgive i well i think someone we still want in our lives we have to learn to forgive on some level i think that it's hard to forgive when we feel so well a so angry but be so so wronged if i forgive this it's almost it's saying i've moved on from it and because i emotionally haven't moved on from it i feel like there would be something inauthentic about my forgiveness i'd be saying i forgive you but it wouldn't it would be hollow getting my gut health back on track not only gave me the mental clarity i needed to build my business but more importantly guys it helped me get my hormones back on track which quite frankly allows me to maintain emotional stability so that's why guys i'm so excited to tell you about thrive thrive is easy convenient and accessible they send you a gut health test straight to your front door and based on your thrive test results they will customize your diet and probiotic suggestions just for you when you subscribe to thrive's program you can also save 10 on all probiotics and other products they provide you can get 10 off thrive when you go to try thrive dot com slash women of impact with coupon code impact that's try thrive dot com slash women of impact with coupon code impact for 10 off your order and remember guys be the hero of your own life peace out so true um god i love everything you're saying dude and if someone is i really hope people are listening to your advice it's so freaking powerful it really does allow them to take ownership of their own life um so let's say everyone's listening to you they get it they've left the relationship oh my god yes it was toxic i was letting myself down i need to build my confidence how do you because this is what happens and i'm sure you hear a lot of this people bring their past into the present they cannot let go of the toxicity from the past relationship from the hurt of the last relationship and you said earlier right confirmation by so then go into the next relationship and it was like oh because let's say that x did it yeah oh he did that it must mean this is a toxic relationship and they bail like they don't give it the investment that any relationship may need because they've already written it off yes there are so what we're talking about here in a sense is is a form of trust yeah how do you trust the next time round that it will be different right i think that we focus on the wrong thing there i think that we focus on and actually i think a lot of advice that's given gets people to focus on the wrong thing because a lot of people say you have to trust you know this is a different person this is a different situation you have to go in trusting and it's it's like it might be a different person might be the same person all over again i mean you don't know the point is you don't know and you can't know you can't know how someone might disrespect you cheat on you lie to you you betray you you can't know and if you can't know reassuring someone that this you can trust them it's gonna be okay it's pointless why reassure them something that you and them can't possibly know so rather than try and control this thing that's uncontrollable that's kind of just a dead end it's a loop that you have to go on of reassurance freaking out again reassurance freaking out again there's a couple of other ways of looking at it you don't have to trust someone else if you trust yourself that's the first thing and by trust yourself i mean if a lot of people are afraid that they're going to get into another relationship that they're going to get close to someone that that person is going to hurt them but their experience has shown them in the past that when someone hurt them like that they didn't necessarily have the strength to walk away they didn't necessarily have the strength to rebuild themselves afterwards you know i had a woman come to me and she said i i you know she had children from a previous marriage and her husband cheated on her and she said i find it difficult to trust in the next thing i said but you can trust yourself far more this time because she said i was in that marriage 20 years and i i and i knew seven years ago that there were problems that this person was unfaithful and i stayed in it year after year and it scared me off of trusting someone i said but you eventually left right you you're not who you were seven years ago where you found out and then stayed for seven years you're who you are today who actually had the strength to leave and understanding that is the key to self-trust we've learned how to deal with certain situations we've learned how to walk away faster we've learned how to spot red flags in a way that our 21 year old self was far too naive to or ignored we know what to pay attention to these days so it's not like we have to go around playing detective next time or worrying are they going to cheat or are they going to do well they might just make peace with it in in california there might be an earthquake you and i aren't sitting here like this just in case there's an earthquake are we like at any point this could happen no you you know you have your procedure like if there's an earthquake we're going to stand in a certain part of the house that's the safest and and now get on with life you you don't trust that someone's never going to betray you you just trust that you'll be able to handle it if they do that you'll be able to walk away that's a massive key to it stop worrying about whether you can trust someone else maybe you can't we don't know that only time will tell if you can trust somebody else that is a pointless waste of your energy to worry about worry only about yourself so that's the first argument for trusting is that just trust you don't trust them trust you i can walk away if i need to um there's also the standards argument for trust which is that i'm gonna trust and and you know what happens when we don't trust is we suffocate people we get overly jealous we get controlling we start playing detective in their life in a way that invades their privacy steps over their boundaries we start doing things that are unfair to the other person and we start damaging the relationship for a fear that hasn't necessarily even come true yet now the relationship is getting damaged not because of the trust not because of what they're doing but because of the way we're now violating the integrity of the relationship so you have to have a standard that says i'm gonna play my part in creating a beautiful relationship i'm gonna give this person space enough to hang themselves enough to betray me i have to that's what a great relationship is i have to give you enough space where you can betray me well you can do something wrong it can't be that you only don't betray me because i'm monitoring you the whole time yeah the threat of it right that's not now i don't know what i have if the only if if the conditions for you not betraying me are that you're under surveillance i only know what i have if i give you complete freedom to do it and you don't so my standard has to be i'm going to trust not because you're never going to betray me and i know that for sure i'm going to trust because that's my standard for the kind of relationship i want to be in god i love that and when you said like looking through the microscope and making you know checking everything out if you've had a bad um a bad relationship and they've done something wrong and you don't want to learn from it right you're like okay what will i do different next time you've learned all these lessons you bring the lessons to your next relationship and let's say your next relationship where they do one little thing that is similar to that i think people some people who have their defenses up like oh my god there it is i knew that i found it and they'll bounce versus going what does this mean about them is this a reflection i need to pay attention right don't ignore it that would be a mistake but go instead of jump into conclusions let me like play it by ear or let me see if that actually does come into fruition would you like suggest kind of testing a bit like that i think that um you have to come to them from a compassionate place as a teammate because that again that has to be your standard i'm going to come with a sense of teamwork and compassion that says i'm not immediately going to attribute even if my fears are screaming at me too i'm not immediately going to attribute the worst possible intention to this instead i'm going to get curious about what was behind this when you did it here's how it made me feel like his it has upset me and you know rightly or wrongly that's because it made me feel like you didn't care or you weren't thinking of me and if we can do that without immediately labeling without immediately accusing if we can create just a little bit of space between the point at which we get curious and the point at which we've drawn all of our conclusions that space saves relationships and the conclusions are natural if we've been screwed over if the last time we saw this behavior it was followed by realizing someone was cheating on you then it's natural to see a little bit of it and immediately go to the same place but i've i mean in in all sorts of different ways i've been made a full love there where i saw someone in one relationship do something that looked like some somewhat something someone did before which usually was you know followed by some horrible pain and i immediately jumped to this feeling and then you know made a conclusion our brains are we have a super computer but that's also dangerous because the number of calculations and deductions that can get made in mere seconds that can take us from someone didn't text me back to three hours to they're having an affair yeah and that's that's really where i think it ends up being you know detrimental to your future relationship because i mean there's so many different elements here right there's how to not get in a toxic relationship then then if you are how to get out of it and respect yourself and then how to not then bring it into the future relationships um and then like you said you can get there so fast and it really can be detrimental to the potential that this relationship could have and that that is see everyone fights for a relationship based on potential it's based on what they think it could be even that person that you know but i but i love them what they're fighting for is their vision of what the relationship could be right or should be or should be but in their mind it's still yeah like it but we love each other so much this this should be the most amazing thing ever well let's look at what it is in the early stages of dating it's actually very important that i we miss crucial opportunities to see what the relationship is if we lunge in with attacks and accusations instead of letting someone know what we're feeling and asking them kind but honest questions we don't really see what's going on because they feel attacked their offen their defenses go up what we really need to do is say i'm gonna learn more about this person's intentions either because i don't feel they're trying hard enough or as much as me or because they just did something that i don't feel was very nice i'm gonna learn more about what's behind it and that is going to provide me with information acknowledge that there's a gap there's a gap between where i want things to be and where they are highlight the gap in a in a classy and tactful way look at whether this person acknowledges the gap because it's usually the sign of a toxic relationship if the gap can't even be acknowledged what are you talking about i'm trying just as much as you and if you're like you're really not like i'm clearly come on making many more sacrifices than you are doing think of you way more than you think of me do more than you do for me like if you know there really is a gap and it is not being acknowledged at all that there is no sense of someone being able to look at themselves honestly and go okay you're right if they try and make you crazy that's a form of toxic behavior but can they acknowledge the gap that's the first step now that's a positive sign if they can you can work with that right ah this is actually a sign of a healthy relationship i've brought something up they didn't make me feel stupid for bringing it up and being vulnerable and revealing a wound but that alone isn't enough because someone could say i get it you're right i'm gonna do better and then a month from now nothing's changed yeah and that's where you have to say it's one thing that someone is acknowledging the gap but acknowledging and being able to deliver are two very different things and the fourth step is noticing whether the gaps being reduced i got a question for you is that exactly the same analysis that you would do if you're the toxic one in the relationship like i can see where a lot of people blame other people it's hard to see when you're the problem so i think it's important to acknowledge or ask yourself the question with no blame no judgment i'm always about results not about feeling badly about it um but if you're actually asking yourself what if i'm the toxic one would you still break it down like that well i think one of the hardest things in the world is is self-awareness and i think self-awareness about where am i where is what i'm asking for reasonable and where am i being i'm great because no one says i'm being unreasonable people don't actually think that about themselves or do you think that no well i i try to really look at certain situations because i'm a very to it to a fault probably self-reflective person i overthink that's my problem i i you know i'll say something in a conversation and then i go away and i go should i have said that i feel like i i kind of overstepped the mark there and i start you know like i can obsess if i'm not careful so i've had to like i have to really mind my own obsessive qualities what makes me very good at my job yeah i do is also my worst enemy yeah i was gonna say what is your superpower is also your kryptonite for sure because i'm good at seeing 10 steps 20 steps ahead that's that's like my gift but i when i try to be very aware of when i'm doing something am i am i being is this me asking too much or is this me doing something is me am i asking for something unreasonable here or is this reasonable and i think a lot of people go through that in relationships especially when they're with someone who's saying you know because a lot of people's initial defense is what you're asking for is is unreasonable or what you i didn't do that like we we all do it at times we get defensive and our first port of call is to try and make the other person seem like they're overreacting or it's very difficult especially when someone's making us feel like we're overreacting to get impartial and to say where is the line between me asking too much and me asking for the right amount right and and sometimes i think people don't realize they're toxic because they're so convinced of their story right that's what i was going to say it's more like a frame of reference right so it's like my framing versions is going to be very different from toms it's going to be very different from yours right we just have different upbringings and we've been told different things and we've encountered different things we went to different schools like all these things that encounter our but you know build up and create our belief system then comes to the how do you know who is being reasonable and who's not because my frame of reference is i'm very reasonable yeah and thomas frame of reference may be you're being so freaking unreasonable um so how do you i i tried to keep a record not just of the times i was right but i do try to keep a record of the times where i was so wrong you know where was i so utterly convinced of a thing and then i came to someone and i was like you know oh what so blob you didn't text me back because of this reason and they they're like yeah but i didn't even my phone wasn't even on or i didn't even and i'm like okay well you gotta have that moment of that realization where you go oh man what just happened in my mind like where did i just go i think i think it's important not not in a way of all never trusting yourself but just in the sense of being aware of how wrong you can be and therefore at the very least having allowed that to make the space for you to at least go into a situation curious about what their intentions were about what made the way maybe a way that you're not bringing it up in the right way or you know rushing too quickly to accusations or conclusions at least allow your knowledge of how wrong you've been in the past to create the space for you to be curious instead of rushing to the end of the story already and then be honest with uh is this person i'm i'm being honest about ways that i want to bring my best to this and i want to be clear-headed and i want to give them the benefit of the doubt but are they being a teammate in that or is everything are all the concessions on my side is all the work somehow always about what i need to do is it never a joint effort and i think sometimes that that's a giveaway that you know we've convinced ourselves we're the problem all the time but you know we're not we're not getting uh but they're not making life easy for us but when we're the toxic one we're convinced that everything they've done is wrong and that we're justified in however we're acting yeah and look i and and my point is that sometimes we're in the wrong somehow like we need to address certain issues but at the same time life's not black and white sometimes you have your issues but they're also not that they are feeding your anxiety in a certain way or they are contributing in a certain way or they're not being empathetic to certain things that you're feeling or they're you know sometimes it's like if you take attachment styles right people talk about the you know there's the book attached that goes through anxious secure and um avoidant the anxious attachment style you know typically we're worried about the end of the relationship being abandoned someone doesn't love us we need reassurance well if you're with someone that inflames your anxieties all the time that can be a problem it doesn't mean you're not anxious and that you being anxious isn't a problem it just means that you're also with someone who sends you to the extreme when it comes to those things so i do i think we have to be mindful of whether we're with someone that in a way that's not healthy and flames the worst parts of us because i do think the right relationship has a somewhat calming effect on those things that was so perfect just so right like it's not black and white like even in everything we're saying there's so much nuance to everything and i actually really liked you saying like yes if even if we are the one that's toxic we you know if we acknowledge it and then try to change it but also see is the other person in flamie that was just amazing i'm so aware of that in my relationship that i have issues just like anyone else and so i have insecurities and i know that with tom's personality he wants to like fix things so if i'm insecure about something he's trying to fix it it ends up inflaming my insecurity on it because i feel like well i can fix it myself and he's trying to jump in and it becomes like this whole thing and he's like i'm just trying to help i'm like i feel like you're telling me what to do and it becomes this whole thing and so we're just very honest with each other and so now now it's just like babe my assumption is x y and z or it's i'm feeling extremely insecure right now i know you think i'm nuts like i'll even say that tim i know you think coming up right now but i i the fact is i'm actually feeling very sensitive and insecure so what i need from you is and i literally tell him what i need i'm like i need you to hug me i need you to not try and fix it because i know this is a me problem this is not a you problem and if i my natural inclination my natural emotions will go to annoyance frustration and i harden i don't go soft i harden and when i harden it becomes even more confusing that's your weapon because that's my oh yeah right it's my weapon but that's really interesting because that is it's an evolution of what i'm saying because it's if you look at the weapons versus wounds concept right that our weapons destroy relationships our wounds have the power to strengthen our relationships what you're really doing there is exposing a wound and and being brave enough to like expose it but also showing him how to treat it yeah you're like spelling out here's my wound and here's exactly how you can treat it and that's really powerful because now i'm i'm going one step further than being vulnerable i'm also showing you what you might be able to do to come to my aid right now but like you said that's not something someone can even start to do if you go up to them cold and hard that's not something someone can't even access that part of themselves because especially if if they're ever given to questioning themselves or they go what have i done i've done something wrong why are you mad at me right now or why you know why am i not enough to make you happy right now well you know that now all of a sudden you're into a whole other thing oh yes matt you know i could talk to you for hours where can people find you all your incredible content that you do and everything that you're up to in your courses and all of that good stuff uh i think there's something that will help people a lot i have a free training that is if people go to get coreconfidence.com there's literally a free video training where i walk people through what core confidence is and i believe core confidence is the thing that no matter what goes wrong in our lives no matter what relationship falls apart no matter what business doesn't work out if you have core confidence it's it's the form of invincibility you know you'll always be okay amazing and whether can they follow you they can find me online i'm uh um the matthew hussey on instagram i'm also on tick tock i'm on youtube um i'm on clubhouse now oh i'm going to do a clubhouse together let's do a clubhouse and i would like that so i'm you'll find me in places where you can find all people guys guys we'll put all the links down in the um description below so you can check it out i so adore this man i have so much fun with him so please please drop in the comments what was the one piece of advice that you guys thought was freaking fire from what he said and guys if you're not following me follow me at lisa billy if this video did bring you value please please do share subscribe like and all of that good stuff and until next time guys be the hero of your own life peace out [Music] what up guys thanks so much for watching this video if you'd like another dose of bad or arsery make sure you watch this video right here or this one right here because i know you'll like them but hey also while you're here guys you might as well click that subscribe button down there so you don't miss any future episodes and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out you

Channel: Women of Impact

Views: 382,559

Rating: 4.9370236 out of 5

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Matthew Hussey, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, WOI, dating, dating advice, love, love advice, relationship advice, marriage advice, red flags, toxic relationships, warning signs of a toxic relationship, toxic, being toxic, toxic partner, breakups, breaking up, moving on, trust, trust in your next relationship, post-breakup, healing after a breakup, building trust

Id: ny2KL8mYyFE

Length: 48min 22sec (2902 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 10 2021