DO THIS To Get Him SEXUALLY HOOKED & ADDICTED To You |Matthew Hussey & Lewis Howes

[Music] welcome back to the school of greatness everyone thank you guys so much for tuning in today we've got a new friend on Matthew Hussey what's up brother hello yeah man thanks for having me I'm excited about this I am too actually yeah you've you've interviewed some big people so I feel very honored to be here well you're another one of the big people so I first heard about you because we connected a few weeks ago and talked about this but I first heard about you because you're on a show called ready for love and I was being aggressively recruited to be one of the quote/unquote bachelors on the show as well and I remember having been so torn about this because the producers and the casting director for like Eva Longoria wants you this is gonna be a huge show it could be bigger than The Bachelor and I was so torn because I was like this could be great for my business but I don't to be that guy who was a bachelor type because none of those guys have done anything in their career afterwards except for maybe wanted to have like kind of done well and I remember watching the show when it came out because it was just promoted everywhere buses planes you know everywhere you could go I was just promoted and that was like who is this guy you were the only guy in the show who's coaching these women there was two other like relationship coaches right yeah yeah and I remember thinking to myself and this could be big but that under the third episode it went under and they stopped it yeah and I was like thank God I didn't have to make a decision to do like the next the next season yes man that was a heartbreak for you because he did so much time and energy and building this you know it was it was it was a it was a very grueling year doing that show it was kind of a it was an example of something that you know it felt like in life there are things that you invest time in that you know will pay off tomorrow right or tonight or whatever you know whatever that project is sometimes it's writing an essay and you know by writing it you'll be able to hand it in tomorrow or it's making a sales call and you know that you'll get commissioned by next week this was like it was like buying a lottery ticket but then investing a year into that lottery ticket and hoping that it was gonna be a winner yeah and it turned out to be a it certainly wasn't wasted investment because a lot of interesting opportunities have come off the back of that you know there a lot has happened for me as a result of the exposure that that show gave me interestingly not necessarily to a mass audience because a mass audience never watched it right but it gave me exposure to certain key decision-makers who watched me perform in that environment and as a result saw that I was capable of handling a show like that yeah so a lot has come to me but I come from that yeah you know radio exactly I'm a regular on The Today I'm a resident expert on The Today Show I have my own radio show now and you know there's there's lots of good things but at the same time it's still you you know every now and again you think god that that could have been huge yes as it was on ABC right it was on NBC primetime I mean it was a it was a big big show they spent millions and tens of millions of dollars I think the budget I was I heard somewhere was fifty million for the show there were their workouts so it's it is crazy but you know that's kind of life I I have a friend of a friend of mine is a director here in LA and he said you really had the full Hollywood experience from start to finish you show you got chewed up like like everything happened here so that you know that's kind of in a way that's kind of fun except for the huge success of it exactly but you know what that's the part you can do well if you're in a business like ours where you get to invest in yourself and you don't have to wait for a people to give you opportunities then you don't really need the show for that the show you just becomes that catalyst and this is where I remember I do research on pretty much everyone because I'm always interested in seeing what people are doing how they're doing it and then I reverse engineer what they're doing and see if I can apply to my business it doesn't matter if you're in a dating space or the sports or the fitness space right how can I why something to my business and to my vision and I remember researching you and the other two women I don't remember who these other women are but I remember googling your name and seeing your website and saying ah this guy is smart because you would have built the backend getting ready for the amount of track of the thought I was gonna come to you unfortunately didn't probably come as much you want it but you built an engine and a system yeah and this content or the foundation that the other two didn't have yes and we'd been building that for several years so there's certain things that you can't just do overnight now right it took time and and luckily because we'd already invested time in that we were in a different position to benefit then then the others were now you know the interesting thing is someone I remember once wanting to go on holiday and one of my mentors I said to one of my mentors I can't go I don't know I've done enough time you know and he said then you're a slave because you you is seven days and he said at the end of the day those seven days that you have to build the systems in order to get will be worth it just to get you to build the systems yes and you know I kind of think of the show a bit like that that the show forced me to be ready for something that never actually happened right but by getting ready my business is now stronger than it has ever been so you know even that itself is kind of blessing yeah and I read online correct me if I'm wrong that youth over 50,000 women have attended your live events is that yeah you know that number is now out of date it's now closer to $100,000 so yeah so you do live events all over the world or a house we we started in London and and those grew and grew and we started doing them a couple of different places in Europe but mostly the UK yeah and then it was my dream to do a seminar in America truthfully it was my dream to come to America I you know I've had since I think 13 years old I really wanted to live here I had visited what this is the funny I'm embarrassed about this now but when I was when I was that age 12 13 my parents brought me to America for the first time and took me to Florida and I remember exactly the whole of the whole the whole thing and I remember it was the first time I'd ever been somewhere where someone said you know at the end of a phone call like have a great day or someone actually spoke to you or and I just remember and of course at the time at the time you know I didn't put two and two together that I'm in Disneyworld everyone's trying to get a tip everyone's being paid to be super nice and tell you to have a magical day whatever but but that's that's kind of like that in a lot of places it is it is and it did something to me because I it was so different from what I'd grown up with London London any would have not like the complete opposite and and I thought this is more what I want Hey okay you know I was I knew enough to know that there was a slightly contrived element to it where I was but at the same time I thought I prefer this I I you know people sometimes say that about LA like it's so fake the way everyone's so nice to each other in blah blah well I don't mind that you know if their little bit of fakeness means that they're just a bit more polite when I first say hello to them or something I'm sort of okay with that and and so I kind of had this childish view of moving to America and everything being you know Disneyland and then interestingly the older I got that never really changed even when I traveled more of America and saw a real side of America and you know what America is in different states because there are so many different America's workforce but I I still somehow felt more at home here then I did back there and I still love I love England and I love where I'm from but it's something about living here suits me better I used to date a girl who was girls your question I'm sorry I I started to bring seminars here just because I wanted to be here not because I thought it was a terrifically good idea I didn't I didn't necessarily think I'm now gonna make it in America I just thought let me just if I could my seminar for five people in New York or something at least I can say I'm going to America for work and you know it's different when you get to say I'm going for work you somehow somehow you feel important and special and and I I lost money I think the weekend I did it I lost money I spent more on my plane ticket I think that I made in seminar tickets but it just it meant something special to me to do it so now you've done a hundred thousand women who have come to your live events and they they're all smaller events are they bigger events so how those work there there are there are different so we have these one-day dating events that I do for my organization get the guy so we we coach women in their love lives yeah how to find attract and keep the guy they want and the one-day event that we do is kind of a is kind of a show like it's a big it's a big event we have anywhere from the smallest one we do is probably 300 but that's where we go to like a small state that you know we're a small city I should say where we're bringing people that are just getting to know us but you know when we do New York or LA or London we're talking 1,500 people in the rooms amazing yeah all day there's a full day that's a long day and then but people are on their feet they're moving around they get used to the energy these are all women all women Wow and then we do five-day retreats where it's a bit smaller it's more intimate it's about 250 people yeah and there we do more immersive program course yeah and you know it's interesting because there's not too many people in the relationship online dating advice space that I want to hang out with because there's so many guys out there who just leave a bad taste in your mouth but don't you feel like that about self-help in general yeah maybe yeah I sort of I've learnt to hate it any people say that about me too right yeah this guy preaching something Wow but I you know but I just feel like I've got a bad taste in my mouth especially being in LA because I've met a bunch of guys who have sleazy courses and they do the online marketing thing in my opinion in a way that isn't of the highest integrity now I'm not saying I'm always you know I'm the most perfect person in the world with everything I do because I know I make mistakes but when you're intentionally doing something that's like I don't know it's just got a bad taste in my mouth and then the dating space for some reason a lot of the marketers and I remember and I remember seeing your stuff the first time in thinking oh this guy's doing it right but I don't know if I trust him yet and someone introduced us for your email and I was kind of like yeah I don't know if I want to meet this guy because honestly the dating space whatever but then he was like you know he's actually a really good guy you're gonna love his stuff and then when I met you I was like oh I get it now I know why 100,000 women come to your stuff now in a way on the Today Show time now I know why you're getting the results and then I was like let me watch some of these videos and I'm gonna link up a bunch of your videos here in the show notes for people but I started watching your videos and I was like wow okay it makes a lot of sense because you're doing it with integrity and you actually have a lot of sound advice and wisdom for women and I see you're helping a lot of millions of people you're helping and the cool thing about you is you know I was actually listening to a video last night for like an hour of you like it was like the three dating advice tips or something and you speaking in a seminar answering questions right and I remember just hearing your answers all these women say well what if um you know with a guy and the flames out or what if I'm excited and he was excited and then he starts not responding and you were answering questions and I was like they're all so logical yeah and sound it's not like the sleazy weird things it's like well think about it if you were in this position how would you respond and this and this and this and it was like man you're giving great advice and now I know why so many people are attracted to the information you're putting out there so thank you so much I really appreciate that I think that too much advice either strays into the either the aphoristic side of things is very very very cliche I mean this is what I think one of the big problems I have with the self-help industry in general is it it it has it's become so platitudinous is just mmm it to the extent that it becomes mind-numbing and and to some extent I the crowd that it begins to attract I don't like or have anything in common with right you know i when someone comes up to me at the end of a seminar and says you know I love your stuff you know it's it's um you know I'm a big law of attraction fan I know immediately we have nothing in common right I think wow I don't I don't even know how you like my stuff right because I can't stand these concepts and this pseudoscience that is often put out there for me I'm all about the logical I'm all about the the practical and I like things that can be tested I like and I think that's why people like Tim Ferriss perhaps have done so well because they in in a market that is full of just vague silly advice yes you know I hear people in there like you know say to women in their love lives just open your heart and you think what do you mean by that like what does she do today that's different based on that piece of advice just like be yourself you know be yourself is is extraordinarily lazy advice it's the advice people give when they don't know an actual solution because what do you just be yourself what does that even mean you know and by the way be yourself is it often just a euphemism for don't grow how many people were the same person today they were five years ago no no one and who's going to be the same today tomorrow as they are today people change and they evolve so be yourself is a very strange and lazy piece of advice to give someone but that's what we get all the time so advice either goes into the to the kind of vague or it ends up going into sometimes the sleazier or more sarcastic elements Minoo I sometimes think at the other end of the spectrum sometimes you have the comedian you know the guy who is just everything's a joke everything's sarcastic this very cynical while you can't change anything wah wah blah learn to deal with it don't and and that gets too much the other way then then someone essentially just becomes a cynic and for me what I try and base my advice on is this nice balance of realism and and I wouldn't even say optimism just that the being empowered to actually do something about real life stands so what I'm curious about is how why is it you have the credibility to give so many women advice you're only 27 right mmm and why should they listen to you when you know your man yeah so they would trust you you know you're not married right no no and you're currently single I believe right angle so why should they believe what you're saying has well firstly that you're right in the sense that being a man gives me no extra credibility whatsoever I I always cringe when a journalist says to me will you this is so great because you're a guy so you can give them insight into guys I think what a stupid argument that is it's like saying you're a woman so you know all women how many women are exactly the same you know how many of women do you get in a room and they agree on everything the same is true of men I'm not I don't I'm not here to speak on behalf of all men sure I might be here to relay a message that I constantly get from men or something that I observe with an enormous number of men I mean I I say to women I only started working with women a because they asked me to I didn't when when I was with coaching guy I coach nearly 10,000 guys and women were saying when are you gonna do the same thing for us and I said I don't know because I don't really know you I know men because I cut not because I'm a guy but because I've just coached 10,000 of them over the last three years I said so I have something to say about men I said but I don't know you and they said don't worry we don't want to know more about us we know about man says it well that I can do and I start at down and I I started talking about some things that were that felt obvious to me based on what I'd learnt from men but weren't obvious to them you know a very simple thing would be that there was so many women out there that were saying well I I want a guy who has the balls to make a move on me right and and if he's interested he's already coming over to me and there was certain there were massive dating books out there for women that say this like if he's not coming over to you don't bother going up to him because if he wanted to be there he would be this defied everything that I'd ever seen not just from every man I'd ever coached but from growing up around men and what then and and even from myself this is an area where my personal experience does relate to that lesson I was terrified Tara I was terrified the idea of walking up to a woman and saying I like you or I think you're cute I got brought up by my mom to be a gentleman right that that was that I was brought up to you know buy flowers by the meal don't don't ever let her pay don't ever let her carry her bag open her door he's so at school as a teenager I got mauled by women for being that way you know I got I got walked all over they liked me they thought I was a nice guy but I was the one holding their bag while they got with that guy right so it it didn't it didn't translate and I knew as a guy as a teenager something wasn't clicking and something about what I'd been taught about attraction by my mom who taught me to treat every woman like a princess yeah something about that advice wasn't translating and wasn't working now I then when I started hearing from these books written for women if he's like if he likes you he's already talking to you I looked at that and I thought God you know what I'm not I'm not a loser I'm not someone who's got everything going wrong in their life and he's like you know oh that's why he hasn't got the confidence no I was like a guy who had some great things going for him and yet still I would look over there and go no way yeah I'm not just terrifying so so you know I I started to say to women listen firstly guys is even even the guys you want are nervous about coming over to you so you might have to do a little more to make this a possibility because feel good about the corrals comfortable to come correct and women will say well no that's not true mate because you know there are there are these guys who always hit on me when I go out yeah but it's the same 5% every time yes all right there's four there's five to ten percent of guys who will hit on everybody who walks in the room yeah but that's not representative that and they're not giving the girls right very often they're not there's a there's a percentage of those who are like players who are good at it yeah who know how to do it split the game actually most guys aren't in that mode most guys aren't good at doing that and and actually don't wish to do that because they don't want to be sleazy and they don't want to seem like that guy so I started saying women you might have to do a little bit more and don't assume because in a seminar any woman who comes to my seminar see this I'll say put your hand up if at some point or another you've said or thought well if he doesn't have the balls to come and approach me I don't think he's my type of guy anyway and like 90% of the hands go up so say here's the thing as a guy you when you live in a city you probably see 30 women a day that you're attracted to every one of them you can talk to every one of them nor would you wish to nor is it convenient to and sometimes you just see a woman standing with her friend and you're like do I really want to go and him approach her in front of her friend and have the possibility that she's got a boyfriend and I'm gonna have that you're injected you don't want to go do it again horrible yes so so I would like I would say to them if out of those 30 women that a guy sees in a day he's gonna approach the one that makes it slightly easier for him to approach her than the other 29 one that says it's okay for you to talk to him correct however she chooses to do that and that doesn't mean you making some big grand move it just means I call it you know I call it dropping the handkerchief when when you you know women who say I'm old-fashioned I don't make the first move I always say then you're not old-fashioned because a hundred years ago a woman we walk past a guy drop her handkerchief and keep walking the guy would see it he'd say this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man pickup thank you rescue the girl yeah over to her and say madam you drop this and she'd say did I and they now have a conversation now he thought it was his idea yes she was conscious she chose him so I say to women listen this isn't about reversing roles here and you suddenly doing the guy's job it's about you doing what women have always done and dropping the handkerchief you just need to know how to do it in 2015 so that's so what are some ways to do it what are to two or three ways that a woman could do this to create an opportunity for a conversation to happen right so one one of them is really really simple there was a there was actually a book written by a guy called I think Richard Wiseman it was called 59 seconds but one of the studies in the book that wasn't done by him it was done by I think jacker and Landy was about the psychology of favors and what they found years ago when they did this study they were looking for the obvious right if I do you a favor you'll like me more yes what they actually found was if I do you a favor I'll like you more because we like people that were able to help in some small way the only caveat was that the favor couldn't be something that was difficult to perform if you ask me something that's difficult I could get annoyed right and frustrated if you ask me something that's easy for me to do and I get to help you in some way I actually end up liking you mom so the the psychology when when done in the direction of woman to man to woman is much more powerful because men have these two instincts provide and protect her so now when a woman comes up and asks for a favor he immediately gets to gets to cater to those two male instincts that make him feel important so the advice goes like this if you walk up to a guy and you say use this one first line and it will work time and time again you say I could really use your help with something that one line is going to have 9 out of 10 guys immediately receptive to whatever you say they want to provide and protect yeah anything tell me now I can feel important right now so I could really use your help with something now if you could be answering a question in a computer right directions but let's say you're in a bar and you say could you hold my jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends I'm running out of hands here all right you then take your drinks you're given to your friends you come back you take your jacket and you say thank you so much you're a gentleman how's your evening going anyway now the beauty of this is rather than having to go to him randomly and saying how's your evening going which makes it feel like you've really chosen him in this example he's doing you the favor you're just politely asking how his evening is going after he's already done the favor for you so that's an easy way for women to drop the handkerchief in any environment and never happen that they'd never have to risk rejection with that because there's nothing for him to reject it's just a simple favor Wow okay so that's number one yes maybe one more what's number one let's think of a think of a good one here this this kind of goes alongside it I mean you could ask a guy's opinion for example you could say you know no in fact here's a good one with your with your friends and you see a group of guys simply walk up to them and say we're trying to guess what people's jobs are by what they're wearing that's cool and then start guessing everyone loves this game because you have fun guess you could eat and again you can you can start in a funny way and say you're a spy whatever it is play with it a little through then the nice thing is they they immediately know how to carry on that conversation because they're gonna do it back now for guys who are experiencing this and they see a woman who creates an opportunity to talk to them and now it's their responsibility to kind of continue the conversation right and just show that okay now I am interested so this is a really important part this is really important because there is a mistake people make here and I realized this early on because I I was giving women this way to go and be proactive with guys in a way that they hadn't been before but they were making the mistake of staying in there too long oh right so don't stick around no no no that there's a think of it this way in order to give someone the opportunity to hit on you in the first place you need to close the gap so when a woman goes in and says I mean there's another one no I'll give you if you're you know this one's we always pay attention to what's going on around you and if nothing else say the obvious so you could be in a bar you know lining up for a drink and you say to the guy next to you oh my god it's so busy in here mmm right that's it by the way you're not saying it's so busy in here you're saying it's okay for you to talk to me that's really what you're saying so in that moment again if you wanted to make it more flirtatious you'd say oh my god it's so busy in here it's you with your big shoulders moves right and then you'd push him and then you immediately are going to have some great tension he's gonna feel man but the the key thing is don't then stay in there I was in LA recently and there were I was with two buddies and three women came over and started talking to us now I can't fault that because that's why I help people to do that either I think it's important I think they did the right thing but what they what they could have changed is when they came over to speak to us they stood facing us with their feet pointed towards us in a circle and then there was no sign of them leaving ever they were just you know that someone's body language says I'm not going anywhere yeah and it immediately makes you nervous because you sort of think oh you're like how am I gonna get out this is I'm just doing them right you don't want to be here and a woman knows this feeling much better than a man because when a woman is approached by a guy she can't even concentrate on whether she's attracted to him if he's too much in her space to begin with he needs to give her space to observe him and decide she's attracted to him before he keeps just going and going and going so these women would have been better off to maybe a minute in just turn and talk to each other again they don't have to go to the other side of the room and make things difficult but just turn and talk to each other or god forbid there's another person there that they turn to and ask something of right what they've done is close the gap but then recreated space so the second step of recreating space is very very important because when they recreate space it gives us a chance to observe them a chance to miss them mm-hmm and a chance to think oh how do we get them back over here so now when we go over there and say by the way I was thinking about what you said just now and keep talking for them it's like okay that's like now they've made a move now now they've chosen to be in the situation with it instead of us just choosing to be there and never knowing if they were really attracted that's what needs to happen for women is they need to feel chosen as well correct right correct so it's kind of like you you're choosing him to begin with so that you're not just randomly choosing from the pool of guys that are brave enough or obnoxious enough to run up to you but at the same time you're not you're giving it space so that he can choose you and you can be confident in that process and then from there there's a whole nother workshop you deal I'm teaching how to get the guy what is the what's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love or find someone that they you know there's oh my god that's the mistake is it being yourself i I I think this is something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have or the most people have when they're going out to date where they somehow feel like they're just owed the love of their life that it shouldn't be difficult that that they don't have to do anything that it's enough that they are just them you know it's that you know that there's I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones but there's a there's a line in Bridget Jones we forget his name Colin Firth I think it is he's he's looking at Bridget and he's I think he says I love exactly how you are I love you like no changes nothing I love you exactly how you are and it sometimes we feel like we're odd that and it kind of becomes an excuse again no lazy to grow not to you know I don't frankly it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love yeah no one cares I think it's the same thing with work and get more entitled amazing job yeah and so the biggest criticism I get all the time which I'm happy with as a criticism of my is well why do you need to do all of this stuff well I can't you just you know go through life and and you know when the time is right you'll know but why do you have to do all of these techniques I'm happy with that criticism if you if you if that's what you think you're not my audience because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money they're the same people that say you know what if I want to start a business I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing it's not enough to have confidence in life you have to have competence yeah you have to actually know what you're doing and and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives if you for example there's what there's something like um I came to understand I was remember once having a breakup it was a most painful breakup I've ever had it was really really in a bad way over it and a while later I spoke to this to this woman on the phone and I had set on the in a brave moment on the phone I said why did why did you want to break up because by the way you talk to the woman you're dating yeah the one that had later on the font later like a year or two later it was less raw I was everything a little more how long was the relationship for a couple years okay well and and I was I was pretty cut up about it now the funny thing was a to make a long story short she had actually done something I didn't like and that I thought was inappropriate and disrespectful and I remember going to her the next day and saying I think we need to break up during the relationship she did this yeah and she then said to me okay that was when I knew she was breaking up with me it wasn't it wasn't you know when you think you're breaking up with them no no she was already doing she was breaking up with me and it was what was so painful about it is that she was she didn't mind I was he might get upset I thought no she didn't mind and that was the most painful part about it and I should even fake it you know much more favorably like I can't believe this but there really I know no she looked like she was okay this is a good so I so I remember a while later we were on the phone and we became four friends today we're very good friends in fact and I had said to her on the phone why did we break up I said what was it for you that I wasn't doing and it braced myself for the answer she said do you really want to know honest feedback and I said I literally thought to myself wait do I really want to know and I said I gritted my teeth and I went yeah I want to know she said you were boring and wow there was so much worse than I thought it would be do you know I mean like not not just like oh well you know it was just I was young and I was then you know I wanted to be free no you were boring it was really cutting and I I remember resisting the urge to bite back and I said I wasn't born exactly I said no you're in shut up idiot just you asked the question so now listen so I said why was I boring she said you she said when I first met you you were the most ambitious person I'd ever met and she said never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it and she said it was so sexy she said but as we went into our relationship the more time went on the more that was all you were you were super ambitious you know how to get what you want but it you were so one-dimensional you know it was all you did even in our free time you were just you're on the phone you're on your laptop you would talk about your business you were always talking shop there was never anything else you had to talk about we didn't do anything spontaneous we never went and had adventures it was just all one track and she said it got boring and said what house she was right she was right there was nothing I could argue with and I realized something in that moment the thing that makes that one quality can make you really attractive right but it won't keep someone can make you give the person right it can make you sexy it can make you intriguing mystery right but it can even for a time make someone worship or idolize you one quality but one quality will not hold someone because the reality was there was a flipside to ambition which would have made it eminently more attractive and there are a few right if you pair ambition say with an ability to enjoy life now that person is really super sexy you you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity for example adventure very very sexy yes ambition on its own is when you look at it from afar very very attractive you go win will say I won an ambitious man I'd like that but when they get up close if it's only one side to a coin it quickly becomes unattractive the someone I'm a big fan of or unfortunately as passed but Christopher Hitchens he and he once said about love that the challenge is in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves and that's very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it they keep doing it and it becomes if you're not careful a muscle that you that you train to the point of mutation and then every other part of you is is is not working is it has atrophied yeah so now you have a complete imbalance it's like oh you know remember working out at the gym once in my trainer I was I was doing pull-ups and I was trying to work out my back my back was fine I could keep going and then all of a sudden my my forearms gave up while I was trying to pull myself up and I said this is so annoying we try to work my back but my fault and my back's fine but my forearms have given up he said you're only as strong as your weakest link if you're if your forearms aren't aren't there you're not going to be able to train your back as well as you could yeah so so here's the the point about this which I find very interesting about dating to your point of what's the biggest mistake people make apart from of course the entitlement it's over reliance on a key strength that they have come to rely on as their source of validation success confidence right over reliance on that I had come to over rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age yeah that was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on was I am way ahead of the curve for people my age my business is going great correct people I grew up with in my age group are not where I am just still live at home but guess what that alone is boring it's boring and it doesn't make an interesting rounded sexy person the but when you combine it with something else it becomes what I call unique pairing mmm it's a bit like if I if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight not me but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted I could literally if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing but in the right way not an arrogant obnoxious but just he knew how to atone he knew how to play with her and then a couple of hours later you know maybe it's getting late he comes out of the restroom and after being teasing and playful and silly he says you know what it's getting late I called you a car I don't want you walking outside and he says I have to go as well I have to get up early he takes her outside he gives her a little kiss he says all jokes aside I have had the best night with you tonight I'll call you later this week mmm puts her in the car car drives away that woman will be going oh crap I like this guy now the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing it was because he was both ours rom yeah it's the and if he does just one thing it's not interesting enough cuz you can replace the cocky guy like that women know that yes they can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood any night of the week they can go out the next they don't even have to go out the next night they can turn to their left and meet another one straight away by the way they even know people complain about chivalry is dead you can go out and meet a gentleman you can stop me and lots of nice guys that's all they are right incredibly boring women were never to them they don't hold a woman right so but now you find like what seems to be a good man but with an edge that's a unique pairing yes and that's someone that becomes not an attraction but an addiction oh and there's a and there's a big big difference so I believe that we will actually I believe these pairings already exist within us but we've over trained certain muscles we've over trained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit yeah for some people it's being funny for other is being intellectual and they always they're the person that knows everything about everything they've read every book they can always quote so-and-so for others it's being seductive that's the thing they got really good at so they're really good at you know getting someone into bed or getting someone sexually attracted but they're never the person you want to eat pizza with the next day it's like it's finding those combinations that make you go oh my god the person I was with last night they were this and they were this is the and the and is well so good deal and you're and that's what makes it so hard I say this to everybody if you want to know why you found it so hard to get over a certain ex look for the unique pairing because they had multiple things or there was there was some unique pairing that made you feel like they were difficult to replace or and and that's what scares us the more unique pairings you have the more you become a rare bird in the dating market place right right and and when you become rare people get really terrified of of losing you and that's always the case whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think like your heart aches for having lost them like months and months yeah you it's because you go it's not because you got they were good in bed it's because you got they were good in bed and they made me laugh like like I never find that is right and she was a sweetheart tonight like this it's those moments where you go god I can't find this person again and that terrifies you so again to be more positive about it be the person that has the unique pairings that other people are terrified of losing yeah you know I like this because I feel like well I don't feel like but the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now right isn't it something like 50% I hear these know I hear 50% banded around how accurate it is I don't knows but it seems like people are getting married multiple times and they're easy to get out of relationships there you know and I'll speak for myself and I am a lot of fears about long-term commitment you know most of my relationships are a year maybe longer but usually about a year and then I'm like either bored or I get scared because I have my own walls and I still get to grow and learn the show I'm curious why do you think so many people bail in relationships and why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now oh man that's a big question I well there I think there are a number of things I can have a stab at this I I think firstly there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce it's okay now right right not you know in it certainly there are parts of the world where it's not and there are certain religions and cultures where it's not but but certainly less than ever let's speak in America least right there's less of a stigma yeah about divorce we don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have or we wouldn't there would have been a time when I've been outcast from society for it so there's that I think there's also a great sense of entitlement these days where people feel like they're owed and you know marriage is you've met the right person so it's supposed to will feel great and when it doesn't feel great and when it's not all working there must be something wrong with this person not with me not with the amount of effort I'm investing into this relationship there must be something with this person ah it turns out they're not the one after all I thought they were but they're not the search continues so so the entitlement has people believing that it shouldn't be effort and and that's a very dangerous way to think of relationships it's very if you really want to see who someone is in their relationship talk to them about sex and passion and and desire in their long-term relationship and you'll get some very heated answers because some people will will will say it's absolutely paramount we you know you have to maintain that passion you have to find new ways to excite each other with me and my partner we're always searching we're always exploring each other we're always trying to figure out like what's gonna turn you on tomorrow what's it like how do i how do I do something that's that you didn't predict or how do I get you to know me a little less so that you get desire again you know whatever it is other people and I've had hosts on TV to get very very uptight and and and upset over this issue and it's usually they're over playing their hand when they do they'll say you want Matt it's different when you're in a marriage when you're when you have kids when you're in those situations it's different right you you don't you you can't just think of it like that you don't do it Matt we think other things become more important and and I always know who they are in their relationship and those things happen because it people I think don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term and what is required well there's that there's a there's a woman who is a great authority on this called Esther Perel and she talks about the difference between love and desire and I'm a big fan of her work and I think she articulates it very very well that in relationships you have to have both love and desire love isn't enough love is that the thing that makes me want to get close to you when I when I when I feel things for you I want to know your mind I want to know everything there is to know about you I want to know what you're thinking I want to know what you're doing tonight I want to know who your friends are I want to become friends with them I want to get close to your mama what like all these things that's love the desire to almost become merged but desire exists in the space between two people hmm so you feel desire when there's a void and when there's some mystery and when you're still getting to know someone so desire ironically is the thing that ends up creating love because desire is like I want to get close to you because I don't have you and then when I get close we feel feelings of love but not desire now right so well you kilos of you and that's a great question and it's a big one I think there are many answers and I think they change depending on the couple so you've got it so what you're saying at first before you answer is you've got to have both love and desire throughout the relationship in order for it to be a successful one yeah in order to maintain in order to satisfy your needs are on the way because the the I think many people get divorced because not because there's a lack of love I mean sometimes that's true you know sometimes it's true that two people don't don't give each other enough love they don't act as a team and and there are problems with that right lack of love a lot of people it's because of lack of desire interesting that lead that create you know these weird moments in relationships where sometimes people cheat or they maybe it's not going as far as cheating but they realize that they're having all of these thoughts that they're not proud of maybe they just have to leave because they think there's something wrong with them because they're bored you know I got a question on the Today Show recently I mean I mean I was on The Today Show recently of me and Kathie Lee you know got heated over this issue because you know there was a guy on there whose question was my kids have just gone off to university how do you know when we're now basically what he was saying is the kids of all left so now it's just me and my wife so how do me and my wife now keep keep it fresh and there's a great quote by a priest when he says I think it's the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes mmm it's very interesting when applied to a relationship because you're not seeing new landscape you're seeing the same landscape over over over every month you better get good at seeing with new eyes alright now the landscape of course can the landscape can change because that person their job is to be to make themselves less predictable and you don't do that by like playing hard-to-get with your partner necessarily what you do is you you grow you develop new skills you learn new things and you develop yourself in ways that keep your partner guessing about you because they're like oh my god I I have to keep up ya have to keep up with this because they keep evolving yes and that in itself you can start to desire your partner more because you feel like you know them a little less not because they're now hiding things from you but because they're developing and when someone develops and grows you're like I'm like I don't know this side of you I need to learn it and it sparks attraction against so there's there's that all thing but I said to this guy you know I said I know everyone's gonna tell you now your kids have gone off to university now you have all this time to spend together I said but the problem is you're gonna have nothing to talk about you've said it all you've said it all and you've been together this whole time so it's nothing this is right I said I'm gonna give you a kind of strange piece of advice I think you should use this time spend some time apart Wow let go like she go on holiday and you go on a holiday and then come back and tell each other about it you know do have have that some space so that when you come back together there's a little mystery to it you know that this won't it will be scary and this is this is why people get very emotional about this and they get upset because they're like what do you mean get to know my husband less what do you mean like spend time apart we we're supposed to be like this the whole time but what they don't realize is a you never know your partner as well as you think you do so the idea that you're like this and you know everything about them is a complete illusion and secondly you doing there is death to the relationship so if you really care and if you really are a team you'll be able to trust each other but you'll be able to give each other space to create that desire again otherwise you're suffocating each other Europe yeah absolutely so again I think that's another another thing that people don't anticipate when they're in the feelings of love and desire all mixed together early on and they decide to get married they they don't anticipate that over the long term and I think many of us are out there making promises that we cannot keep yeah now of course you you the whole different conversation is to what extent monogamy works and to what it's a whole nother that's a that's a whole other thing you know and and I think to to if we're not going to cover it we should it's fair to say that for some people it works and for others it doesn't yeah but that is a whole other kind of work yeah I mean I've got a few questions left for you I have lots of questions and maybe I can convince you to come back on we could do some more great so far I'm going to talk more about this because I think people gonna like this topic and I haven't really dove into intimate relationships in this way for this extended amount of time so I'd love to have you come back on we can make it happen up to because I want to cover monogamy next time I also want to cover a marriage in general because I'm still in the discovery stage of my life of what is marriage what was the what was marriage originally intended for the first time it was created however many years ago yeah thousands of anthropological level it's very engine and why are we still practicing the same things we did from its original intent and if that's the case should we keep doing marriage yeah and should we keep doing it when 50% of them fail you know I have all these questions that I'm still in discovery for myself as a mine yeah and you know I don't think anything's right or wrong I just think it's coming up with your own solution that works for you and your partner a hundred percent and I think it works for many many people yes I I will say I'm like you I I haven't quite figured out yet whether it will work for me or not I don't know I don't know it's I I know that I have a lot of issues personally with it and I don't give those to other people because I think some people are very different to me and different from each other but I I know there there are things that I struggle with and I haven't figured it out that's why I'm always I was cringe when I go on a TV show and they call me a relationship expert which they love you know these shows love to label you as something nice and simple I always say really what I am is a guy who likes to talk about people but you know that's not got the quite the same ring to Packers III you know the idea of dating expert or a relationship expert to me is a unbelievably narcissistic idea and I and I cringe every time I hear it because it's who could say that they're an expert in all things relationship yeah that's crazy it's all good though well I was gonna ask you a few more questions but I think I want to wrap it up on this one and bring you back another time okay so one ask you a couple different related different questions not related to that one is already most grateful for in your life recently I like to finish with gratitude Wow God they I think one thing I'm I'm very grateful for is I well I just recently applied for my green card hi I it kind of brings a dream full circle fingers crossed I you know should be coming through in the next couple of months hopefully I don't get rejected I am i it's come full circle you know something that I had dreamed about for a very long time and and really has been you know nearly two decades of thinking about that I did you know has actually come to fruition and and it's amazing to me that it started with me thinking why not come and do a seminar for five people and lose money just to just to say that I'm doing something in America and it it and I'm there now so that you know I say to everyone out there always Drive in the thin end of the wedge whatever it is whatever is the smallest possible thing that relates to your bigger dream do the smallest possible thing because you never know what domino effect that might have I could never have guessed that by this age I would be living here and traveling the country doing what I love and and I am and I feel immensely grateful for that that's Karma yeah I've been asking this question a lot lately for some I guess so I'm gonna ask you this one as well because I'm interested to hear the response but it's the many many years from now it's the end of your life the last day and everything you've ever said online written you know your New York Times bestselling author you've got millions of views from all your videos has been a race from time mm-hmm you've got a piece of paper and a pen all your friends and family are there supporting you and your final moments telling you how much they love you you've got a pen and piece of paper and they say you get to write down three truths about life the three things you know it to be true about life and this is the only thing that people will get to see from your message moving forward because everything else has been erased Wow what would you write down is to the three truths let's see if you don't have three it ought to be perfect but what do you mind be kind I think one of my favorite shows is Derek I don't know if you've ever seen it it's a Ricky Gervais show but it's about guy who works in an old people's home and his favorite line is a line his mum told him which was kindness is magic and I don't believe in magic and I certainly don't I don't know what happens later on or whether anything bigger is there but I do I do believe that there is a magic to kindness that is really really special so even when you even when it feels like you shouldn't be kind or that the whole world is horrible be kind because you just never know who is watching and who will decide that there is still some good in the world because you did something kind so and I'm always grateful for anyone who restores faith any ones little Faye in humanity in those little tiny moments so be kind number two always operate on the assumption that you don't know nearly enough that I coming up one of the I remember my friend told me he remember him meeting up with me once this is you know when I was kind of starting out but getting a bit big for my britches about what I was doing and he said you know he said what books have you read recently and I said I haven't I said because to be honest you know I'm doing all these seminars and I said I don't want to put all of these other ideas in my head I want to you know I'm trying to develop these ideas and I don't want to have all of these different and he looked at me and it was an older guy is about four years old and he looked at me he said mate he said I can't tell you how disappointed I am with that one sir and it I looked up to this guy so I I was mortified but but I I have in recent years understood exactly what he meant that he's a learner and and someone who always operates on the assumption that he doesn't know enough so so always operate under the assumption that you don't know enough and and and never trust anyone who tries who claims to know everything about anything and then the third one God the the third one I I I think there there are many many different lives that you could lead I think one of the most depressing things about life is you won't have time to lead them you won't have time to read the books you want to read even if you stack them all up and think about them all now you'll already have to start eliminating enormous numbers you won't be able to travel to every country that you want to go to I mean we always think we will we have all these this long list of countries we think we're going to go to if you want to depress yourself put draw list all of them and look at how many you already have to eliminate you'll realize you're only going to do a select few more even if you're young the jobs you think you'd enjoy the air paths you think you'd enjoy the types of people you'd like to me there just isn't time and that makes it that much more important that we enjoy the path that we take instead of obsessing over the ten thousand paths that we didn't type because it that really is the most tremendous waste of life is is when we obsess over the paths we didn't take instead of figuring out how to enjoy the one that we have taken even if we look to improve it or adapt it or change it even then you'll adapt one way and there will have been ten thousand other ways you could have adapted sure so so it's not easy but I think the challenge for us all is to figure out how to enjoy the path that we're actually on yeah it's a good three truths man I'm really happy because I got to number two I thought what is the last no I I feel quite solid in those yeah that's good I want to ask one more question but before I do I want to take a moment to acknowledge you Matt for your ambition because you are so ambitious ambitious but your ability to continue learning and when you teach you teach with humility and for me that really comes across and I appreciate that and it reminds me to myself to always come from a humble place when I'm educating or facility facilitating anything because that really connects in lands with people in a deeper way and I know you've been inspiring and impacting hundreds of thousands if not millions of women around the world because you come from that place of love and humility when you educate and so I want to acknowledge you for your ambition and your humility to continue learning what you don't know thank you so much that means the load to me yeah thank you final question before ask where should people go to connect with you and learn more well I guess I should give a couple of options one for the men and one for the women the four women out there I have something really fun actually for the women out there is free of charge but I get an enormous number of questions about texting and I think actually somehow the way you text is a kind of microcosm for how you in communication in general there's a guide that I put together which is the the nine texts that get any man to chase you and it's really cute and fun and literally you can take these nine texts whether you're in a relationship some of them are good for a relationship some of them are good for when you have a guy that's gone cold some of them are good for if you just met someone but there's something in there for everybody and it's literally I mean you can download it now and use like copy and paste them into your phone through and use them right now and and tweet me let me know because I always get tweets about this guide from people who have used it and say that was that the one techs really made a difference so if you want to go and download that is nine texts calm and it works either with the number nine or the the word nine so nine texts comp and I'll be sure to link these up on my show great and for the guys you know I'll say this I don't have any immediate programs for guys but there there are huge numbers of guys that watch my youtube videos and and really appear to get an enormous amount from them and and are part of that community and I think that's great I'm a guy and I to women but everything I say is useful to me as well so I would encourage guys to go and subscribe to my youtube channel and actually watch those videos because I'm really good yeah they're fun and they're and they're you know designed to be useful so they're useful on a human level not just a one gender so my youtube channel is called get the guy team but if you just type in Matthew Hussey into YouTube yeah you're gonna see it awesome well it'll linked up and your website get the guy got code at UK as well have it linked up very excited man we're gonna have you back on here soon hopefully last question is what's your definition of greatness oh my god the I love your questions man I love them they're just they're challenging my definition of greatness I guess to your point on humility it's someone who who continues to strive to be better and to know more in and whilst they're doing it instead of looking at those who they are better than in that area they're always looking up at the people who seem to know more than them so you know they look up not down when when they're figuring out where they stand in the hierarchy there you go Matt thanks for coming amber Thank You ppreciate Smith I appreciate you thank you for having me you

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 1,829,150

Rating: 4.8112817 out of 5

Keywords: Matthew Hussey (Author), Dating, Lewis Howes, Relationships, Marriage, Advice, the school of greatness, creating desire, attraction, first date, cheating, why i got dumped, ghosting, confidence, dating advice, dating, cracking the man code, motivation, inspiration, success, girl advice, long term relationship, get the guy, how to get the guy, relationship advice, how to attract men, tips for women, what men want, make him love you, make him like you, how to talk to men, matthew hussey

Id: DTzZTOz69OE

Length: 65min 2sec (3902 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 15 2015