It's Complicated...No, It's NOT. (Relationship Experts Love Advice)| Matthew Hussey & Lewis Howes

you know what makes relationships better true realness vulnerability people living their truth people being more real being more upfront more direct you know what makes you more attractive on a date being more real mm-hmm not going there you people worry about the hair and the road is this alright be tell a real [ __ ] story on the data that's what's gonna you want to talk about deep attraction not surface level [ __ ] deep surface level [ __ ] is in 2d on Instagram deep attraction the kind of attraction that gets relationships comes from real stories real shared experiences [Music] welcome back and one of the school greatest podcast we've got one of my dear friends Matthew Hussey in the house no man super pumped back again last time you were on was four years ago we thought it was three and then I went back and looked at it and you yeah crazy for years and that episode blew up and it continues to get a lot of traction on YouTube and audio and you continue to blow up you have a massive audience on social media on YouTube email you have thousands of women that come to your library tweets every year you know thousands of people who are part of your courses in your programs and you serve so many women who are struggling all the time in finding the right match for them a loving partnership and a man or a partner they want to be with and you've been helping women for I think almost a decade now is that right eight to ten years over yeah I been over a decade now this is the 10 this year's the 10 year anniversary of our retreats Wow and the retreat started I don't know three or four years into me doing what I do how many starting like 15 I would say I was 18 when I started but I was working with men men not women right when I was 21 I really made that transition to working with women and I've been doing that ever since it's amazing man and it's interesting there's a lot that's happened in the last four years because tinder really started exploding you know four years ago I think it was kind of four three two years ago there was coming around and perhaps lost its taboo maybe yeah in that time yeah exactly and then all the other apps came out to make it more accessible to swipe left and swipe right and Instagram became a dating app essentially in itself that snapchat and all these social media apps are just now yeah dating and looking at there's thousands of options it seems like there's so many good options yet not one great option well when you say you know they've all become dating apps then I've makes me feel we've come full circle because it wasn't that the original point of Facebook was just go on and see who's who on college campuses single you know who's that to me is was a cute friend yeah we kind of started there and we were you know it's now just many different ways to do it obviously social media is used for many different things but I think anything that that makes easier the ability to meet people you know Cal Newport in his book the happiness advantage talks about the activation energy required for a task and the higher the activation energy the less likely it is you'll do something you want to get yourself to do so he uses the example of like if you want to play guitar keep it by the couch so that when you sit down to watch the TV oh the guitar is there if it's up in the closet I'm stairs going now the activation energy is higher you're less likely to practice playing the guitar and I feel like the activation energy of meeting people when people had to go out to a bar do you know dress up look the part see someone across the bar think about what they're gonna say take the risk to get rejected in front of someone's friends or in front of their own friends the activation energy was really high and people I think whether they admit it or not love the idea of the activation energy being really low now I can slide into someone's DMS on Instagram and hit someone up with very minimal effort I could be in my pajamas watching you know some TV show doing it and I've also minimized the potential rejection from that the rejection isn't it doesn't hurt it's not happening in real time at the very least you might have the rejection of I never got a response but it doesn't hurt no no I'm looking someone I know their hearts not beating out of your chest it's not real time rejection of I approached you and you're now being cold to me or you don't want to speak to me or you tell me you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that's like really relying in the moment do you really have a boyfriend right how many times you go up to a girl when they say I've got a boyfriend thank you you like your life I just didn't do well I know so that that is you know we've lowered the activation energy for meeting each other and that I think has saved a lot of people but it's also done something hurt a lot of us it's interrupted a little bit maybe a lot the story of attraction you know I thought about this recently how if let's say before any of this there was a man who meets a woman when they're out in some social environment they exchanged numbers he goes home and he has to call her right now that takes guts I have to pick up the phone after have a conversation and you know already I'm kind of investing if you know what I mean before I've even made the phone call I'm investing because I'm thinking I'm gonna say how do I come across right and how do I steal my nerves that's a form of investment and we tend to value what we invested so now already beginning to value this person more because I'm having to try out something because I I'm ette her I got her number exchanged information and I'm thinking about yes depth and even just by the way the meeting someone out in exchanging them there's a story already happening there it worked I went over to someone and it work and there's a potential first oh my god yeah she could have said no and she didn't and she and I knew and I thought I was attracted to her and I went over there and I did the fish she confirmed it and it worked and now I have a number and this is a story that's happening you go home you think about it make the call you tell your friends about it your friends isoform I know I met this girl you gotta hear about this girl you've got to see this girl this just adding to the story now you go on a date that date you have a great time where am I gonna take this personal dude after the date you go home and you might have to wait three days or four days till the next date with this person and in those three or four days you may not consider it work but you are working for that person there's a chasing that's going on in your mind there's an investment that's going on in your mind and an imagination their narrative that's happening and that is all part of that kind of natural courtship that that pulls us into the next stage of the interaction whether it's day to date three date for exclusivity moving in together whatever it is now compare that with someone you know hits someone up swipes we got a match okay there's like no activation energy to that really we got a match who are they okay and read their tagline loves you know dancing whatever they you know okay yeah well so what's up me all right you know you want to hang out then you know let's go for a quick drink they get out together he comes back when she comes back from a date to five more matches before he has even got time to process whether he had a good time and what was it about this person what there's already more options coming out someone there's more or at the very least you can go home and just explore more options from your bed that night after a date this interrupting the circuitry which will give you more dopamine which would give you more excitement yes getting attracted to the novelty again right now not the depth of where this thing might now lead now I'm not saying that that's insurmountable and that we're just although this is not me painting a picture of doom and gloom about current dating I do think there is a toxicity there is a toxic elements of modern-day dating but it's not I'm not defeatist about that mm-hmm I just think that the impact we make on people in the time we have with them becomes that much more important yeah because you can no longer rely on being the only person they're talking to that week or that month there might be a five dates that week and a hundred messages from guys and probably today for a lot of people it's less likely they're on five date this dates this week but they're talking to ten people this week yeah you know they're not a lot of people are going on fewer dates than everyone thinks people are having a lot less sex than everyone thinks but what's happening is there's a lot of nonsense conversations superficial you know going no we're incessant texting conversations whereas ever happening and no is actually even just getting on the phone and talking are they not unless they want to be different right and that that's where it really begins to shift is you have to be the person who's different that takes a risk stands out that yeah well in that that's the current question is in a world with more noise than ever and for all of your people out there watching right now everything I think we talk about here in this hour we can apply to business to course you can apply everywhere now I get hired to go do speeches for corporates where I apply what I've learned ten in ten years of attraction and relationships to business because it's the same thing going on everywhere right now there is so much noise everyone's talking in business too right it used to be that you were you know in a if you were a personal trainer you were competing with the five personal trainers on your gym floor and maybe down the street at the other local gym and that was the those were the people that were your competition now everyone's a fitness trainer now anyone with an Instagram account and a six-pack yeah is your competition who's trying to sell their digital program or trying to you know convince people that they don't need to go to their local trainer that I might be the other side of the world but I've got something special for you that you should do it with me so the whole thing has opened up and what that means is that you can no longer rely on just the scarcity of people to be special I'm the only one in town mmm yeah even if you live in a small town that someone's options are only limited to the radius they set their dating app to it right three if I went out banned it out by another state I got a lot more options yeah so it we now can no longer rely on that we have to be we have to have a voice that defines us we have to have a voice that makes us different you know from your business how many podcasters keep joining every day every day every day you can rely on having the the market share simply because you're doing podcasting right you have to now be a voice that's different why are people people only have so many hours in a week right this is a long-form podcast it's you know the interview is an hour or so on why are people gonna sit with their limited hours and listen to my hour instead of though these are the six or ten top podcasters because we can't listen to them all right so now your voice matters and in dating our voice matters because it's not enough anymore to just be a viable dating option for someone but do people even really want to stand out to have a committed long-term relationship before they more just they say they want the commitment but their actions don't back it with just constantly being surface-level or constantly being a part of the noise as opposed to trying to stand down like they might try to especially with guys it's like okay hmm maybe it seems like more women want to be committed than more guys want to be committed all right well that's a tricky one I most people I believe who think they are evolved enough for a relationship or not right and when do you know a long time by the way I count myself in that category where I thought I went to MIT I really thought there were times in my life where I really thought I was a great I was a great guy mm-hmm I wasn't I was it it wasn't that was ever a nasty person I was never a mean person I was never a that wasn't the great partner I thought I was it's not like I you know there are times of my breath away I'd just be a great partner to someone and I was not ready to be a great partner to someone because I think the first time you really give yourself to something really commit yourself to not just your own happiness and your own needs because that's what most people talk about when they talk about a relationship is their needs their happiness all right how good it feels to be in a relationship it's about them but it's not about seeing someone else truly seeing someone else and understanding who they are and understanding what their needs are and supporting them and their happiness and their goals it's a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and you just say I'm gonna give this person and look at them from a place of understanding and want to bring them so much joy and fulfillment and not expect in return but hopefully the other person is saying the same thing too about you well yes and no there's a lot of there are a lot of people who on that idea that ethos have lived a very masochistic life for a long time really that by the way you what you just described could describe one of two things one beautiful one terrible what you just described could either be an extraordinary relationship of two givers or it could describe unrequired love mmm they could describe the person who is giving giving giving giving giving to someone and playing the martyr in their own relationship they keep ignoring me they keep you know not meeting my needs they keep being selfish they keep but I I'm just gonna show up and be my mother and love them and give my all and one day they will turn around to meet me in that many many people have caused tremendous suffering to themselves and and wasted a lot of good years so was it worth giving yourself make sure you're asking for what you need but also giving it's I it's a combination of respecting what your core needs are well what do I need like when it really comes down to it what's my standard for what I need now how exactly someone meets that standard is that's where the messiness of relationships comes in because you say I want to be respected and then someone does something and you go I don't feel respected but they go but that doesn't mean a lack of respect two minutes so now we have a whole conversation on the execution of a standard oh my god any different definitions of what meets that standard that's that's where the confusion comes in and that's where we have to have some really loving cooperative conversations to figure out am I you know am I being this is one of the hardest parts of relationship by being reasonable and asking for what I'm asking for or is this my insecurity school you know am i which one is talking and sometimes we're so close we don't even know that's the danger that's by the way I see one of the most valuable jobs I can do for people in my work is not to be a smarter voice than they are because people it's what people couldn't be great they couldn't when it comes to their friends or people around them or whatever they can be very smart but to be an objective voice outside of their drunken haze mmm because we're so close to something we get weird when we're not sober and now we don't have logical answers to questions because some ones we get to the point where arguing about something you I don't even know if I'm right I don't know if the thing I'm saying is is if I'm being the insecure one or if I'm being the reasonable one and sometimes we leave a situation we go god I was insecure and sometimes we leave when we go I can't leave I let someone convince me I was crazy right they like they were the one that was doing the wrong thing and they convinced me that it was nuts so how do we step out of that emotional feeling where we're feeling overwhelmed or disrespected or hurt or sad or like the relationship didn't meet an expectation or communication was off and we're in it and we're communicating and we're both frustrated how do you step out and look at it from a different point of view so that you just don't keep repeating that conversation over and over I mean it's all herded further yeah I I think there's a we have to have a really healthy combination of always questioning ourselves and and saying where is this coming from for me and what it really hurt me to compromise on this standard is is would it be the more loving thing to do to understand this about my partner but in order to that that needs to be combined with a simultaneous respect for ourselves and what we need and to I think go to a situation and say okay I want to be the most understanding compassionate loving partner I can be who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner who supports them wants them to do great but I also need to recognize that it's not what was I saying I lost my train of thought I need to be the person that can be understanding what was I saying the understanding of my partner never be the most understanding of someone else but you also have to know your own needs be understanding of someone else but oh that's right I need to be the person that is understanding of the needs of my partner and what they want but at the same time though what was it loves my I need to be understanding of my partner's needs does it I need to be understanding of my partner's needs but the context of me being super compassionate and understanding needs to be that I am that this is happening in a loving environment where my partner wants to be my teammate mm-hmm if we're in a situation where our partner isn't showing empathy for us and isn't like if you feel they're not trying to that we're always coming to that side that's a problem that's tough that's a problem there should be seeing I see where you're coming from as well type of energy and communication exactly not just I'm not getting what I want you did this wrong you need to feel you have a teammate you know and a lot of people feel like they're constantly being understanding but they don't have a teammate on the other side I'm constantly trying to grow and understand your position but I don't feel the same from your sight that then becomes a problem how do you have the conversation so that it switches or becomes more of a equal partnership and teammate if you feel like you're the only one being on the team mmm how do you get the other person I think we need to communicate a lot about what about the spirit of the relationship you know I mean like not keeping score yeah like pride is a very hard thing to give up in a relationship because we've become competitive often very quickly when we feel threatened when we feel vulnerable when we throw our plant has done something to hurt us now I'm so now how do I score a point well how do I know and that's that's a just once you get into that cycle it's like you're just if it spirals it has to one person has to be prepared to break that cycle I'm not going to do that game and I do believe that we have to love the way we want to be loved and we have to constantly educate our partner on what it is to love not from an arrogant place but we're all in all in a sense both partners are always educating each other by you do something I don't like and if I have a loving compassionate response to that I'm also showing you what I want this to be in Reverse when I do something you don't like right here's the response I want I'm not attacking you not a game playing response not a you know like if you see a partner you're in the early stages of relationship and you feel your partner was really flirting with someone over there having a conversation about something that made you feel uncomfortable but from a loving place and from a kind place and from a place of that made me feel you know it hurt me to see that and not I'm gonna blame you and I'm gonna do this I'm gonna get angry but that you know that made me feel uncomfortable bringing an energy like that most people aren't used to that mm-hmm in a relationship we're not used to that standard of communication we're used to doing something and then someone attacks or anything yeah exactly so I think it's educate we're constantly educating what's it gonna take for us to not react to a situation where we feel hurt or like we aren't expectation wasn't met from our partner and come from that place good it's so difficult because why does why do we react so much sometimes it's just spice like how I need to take them a moment to to process something so that I can say I can have a more evolved respond now react it's funny I've been you know the relationship I've been in which is newer in the last five months I want to talk about something right away and address it she doesn't want to talk she wants to have space so she doesn't react yeah so she's and she'll say like I don't get angry at you I don't yell at you that's not the type of person I want to be so I'd rather just not talk and then I'm in limbo and I'm like I don't know I just want to like get the resolve this thing let's at least communicate and then we can move on as opposed to holding on to something yeah for half a day or a few hours yeah I that is the thing spice is easy when you get a text you don't like you know or when you see something you don't like from afar and you're not gonna see that person for a few hours or til tomorrow now you have space to go through you know I'm angry you know I'm really really angry I'm upset I'm sad I'm hurt I feel rejected I don't feel enough I you know you can kind of cycle through those and then have a couple of sensible conversations with people whose opinions you respect you and I have it's not that big a deal you know okay this thing I'm feeling this and I'm just hurt and I'm this and I'm that no matter you have a couple of smart voices either that come from in here which is hard to do it which is very hard to get that objectivity and all that come you know from just one or two people whose opinions you really respect who aren't going to tell you what you want to hear yeah well I'm gonna tell you you're so right to be to feel that way you angry yes someone who is brave enough and close enough to you and smart enough times to recognize your I'm concerned that you're overreacting to this and that this this reaction is it's not going to serve you you know and then I think you need to bring this energy to the conversation that is extremely valuable what's hard is when you get information in real time and you're with the person and you're in the same room and now you're dealing with try to process and create that you know okay I need to I'm trying to get to a more positive place here while being asked to communicate in real time well real time elicits reflex responses and reflex responses are often very harmful to a relationship it's the reflex responses are often based on instinct instinct is very dangerous whilst in stage yes so often told you know trust your instincts and that's just no often great advice if you're not emotionally intelligent and you haven't if you're jealous all the time then having a jealous instinct isn't necessarily the best thing but some of these instincts are kind of hardwired right what we're doing with a lot of our better nature is overcoming certain programming that we have you know in a Riptide you get pulled out to sea your instinct tells you in that moment to swim back to shore against the current mm-hmm ignore the Riptide I need to get back to shore which is stronger you or the current or the current and it will drown you you will exhaust and drown before you get back true so until there washes it ashore just like right so in that moment fighting harder won't save you thinking clearer will and thinking more clearly means I need to swim sideways I need to swim parallel let it take me out swim further I'm going to swing on parallel because I've actually I'm giving myself a further a longer journey but then when I'm out of the current then I can swim back to shore yeah that's not instinct won't get you to do that that requires thinking clearly instinct will drown you in that moment and in a relationship in dating your instincts will get you killed that's true you know your instinct says the woman goes on a date with a guy and has a great time and says your instincts says clear the calendar for the next three months we found it right we did it guys we had a crazy night clear the schedule we were connected on every level he's awesome we have a great connection clear the calendar this is what we're doing now even if I'm not even saying someone who doesn't hate the rest of their life you can like your job and still be so caught up in the chemical rush of this was amazing that this is all you want to do now mm-hmm right well this isn't good for what you want to happen here what do you want to happen well you want to get to know this person better it spend more time with them invest at an organic pace based on the level of investment that's going on right thing I've said for years don't invest in someone based on how much you like them invest on but based on how much they invest in you mm-hmm people don't do that people invest on instinct I really like them and my investment is proportionate to how much I like them not how much I'm seeing there's a mutual investment I tell you about the castle what castle all right this is you don't like this so I was thinking about this whole idea of investment it's like buying a castle whoo that's the thing you can't buy a castle for a relationship I see to me the relationship is the castle right when you meet someone you have a connection because I'm always I'm you know me I do seminars all over the world we have thousands of women come and join us and the thing that there's always someone who puts their hand up and says it starts the story with Matt I have this incredible connection with this guy so they're already anime no no Danny often not yeah now I know now I know we have a problem when someone's justifying whatever they're about to say next with what an incredible connection they have with someone an incredible connection is like you meet someone you connect and you have a great plot of land this plot of land could be great because it's in the middle of a forest could be great because it's on the cliffs overlooking the ocean mm-hmm it's a beautiful place to build does the connection or just a connection but it's still just a plot of land mmm all right I see it for what it is its potential still just the plot of land now what you need is two builders two people who are going to build something here and that requires two people who show up each day and lay brick after brick of the brick of the brick and slowly but surely create a castle most people have the experience of someone who joins them on that plot of land and they both look at it and they're like isn't this great look at the ocean this is great look at the view we have here look at the trees look at this is amazing and they get real excited now one of them might be willing to build one of them might be a builder another one might just really like the potential of this plot of land and then you have someone who's there building every day they're doing the investment I have the woman come to me who's building and a guy who's left the construction site hello where he is he's at home he's binge watching his favorite show he's out on another he's looking at another plot of land you know and then three weeks later he calls in and says he you know he sends a text to her after three weeks of ghosting her or or just disappearing or just patchy communication and says thinking of you that's a builder who started building then left the building site for three weeks and called him from home and went how's the castle going meanwhile she's over there building the castle on our own you can't build on your own and the problem we have right now is there are too many people who value connection instead of the castle Castle is where it's at and if you don't have a true builder who over time is gonna build that's what this was about a relationship is a castle this is why I love at first sight is [ __ ] to me doesn't work huh its infatuation is you she's hot he's hot you know there's some connection there that's based on the fact you like this and I like this oh my god we're supposed to be together this is bunny part of the equation you've Castle becomes a castle because two people work on it and it becomes unique and ornate and they're a secret passage where he's only the two of you know about there's an argument that knocks down a wall and then you build it up and fortify that wall dresser and it makes it even stronger and you know the the weather over time weathers the stone on the castle in a unique way that makes it your castle there's other castles in the world but this one is uniquely yours it's been built by the two of you it's been hard one you know that's a relationship that's why you know a 20-year relationship on marriage or 30-year relationship a marriages is special it's because two people have had to go through hmm [ __ ] together yeah they've done things together they this isn't fantasy this isn't building a castle in the sky mmm the idea of love the idea of what we could be the one-day wager I call it the one-day wager the one-day I'm making a wage of that one day you'll be what I want you to be mmm one day you'll you're investing me the way I want you to one day you'll change the one day wager is the most dangerous wager you can possibly make in your love life the real [ __ ] is what's going on now is someone trying do they wanna be here are they focused on the little [ __ ] not just the big [ __ ] because anyone can go and have a like people said but when what it's great is the Razr yeah when we got like well you know we've been on some amazing dates or we appreciation we had the best time it was amazing of course you are on [ __ ] vacation anyone can go to Disney World and have a great time his Disneyworld right that's the Lister job of the place is to make sure you have a great time no matter who you with right right but you know what when I was 13 I had like mine I was the thing I was 12 or 13 my parents took me to America for the first time and we came to Florida and where do you think we went we went to Disney where and I was massively excited you know I was so excited it was exciting to be in America I was excited to see the things I've seen on TV excited to see the references to movies I'd seen excited for the rides we go into Disney World and I learn something very interesting about myself there this is gonna sound profound for a trip to Disney World a better - yeah I but I realized something about myself because of course I go in there it's magical it's oh my god this is crazy you did you follow with Mickey you're on Space Mountain yeah there's Mickey there there's all these dazzling attractions but it was something that stood out to me even more than Space Mountain even more than the big ride and it was the trashcans oh yeah on some level that maybe I couldn't fully articulate at that age I saw the trash cans and I was moved by it I said someone cared enough about this place to theme the trash can sir the trash can in Tomorrowland is a futuristic trash Canada the trash can in you know Indiana Jones land or whatever it's called is a tiki bamboo trash can the trash cans were different depending on where you were it's amazing someone cared so much about the detail of that world that they styled and themed the trash cans it moved me yeah I've never forgotten that Wow the trash cans in life and I've thought about that endlessly in my business mm-hmm when I do retreat I'd just got back from my retreat and you know someone ki told this story on the retreat someone came to me at the end of the retreat because of all the little details we put on the retreat you know the law it's not just a it's not just a seminar an event its we hold parties and inside experience it's an immersive world it's like it's it's we like to think we've created the immersive theater of the self development world and someone came up to me at the end of this retreat and said you achieved trashcans status mmm and it that's big the 13 year old in me wanted to cry I was amazing right and it it moved me again and I and I thought that's why I want and I'm I thought about this even today as I was coming here and I was like you know what this aleut lee applies to relationships too often in a you know in a breakup often when people are going through difficult times with that partner or whatever the thing they go back to is we had that amazing trip but we have those amazing times they go to these highlights they go to the Space Mountain of their relationship remember when we met Mickey it's that right the the meeting Mickey moment of their relationship but relationships are about the trashcans man it's the trashcans yeah because guess what in a day at Disney you ride Space Mountain once maybe twice how do you use the trash cans every day all the time actually 20 minutes every day it's the trash cans and what will define your relationship is the trash cans not Space Mountain the lower moments the messy moments that a barely noticeable are the moments the micro attractions mmm the moment where we do something sweet where we think of our partner when we didn't need to and we worry about that the day they had or support them or even just support them silently or in private you know or support them by what we don't bring to them it's that it's the detail it's the detail and that's what's going to determine how great your life is and my concern is and we've all been there my concern is the number of people out there who are staying in the wrong thing because of the Space Mountain of the relationship a few moments that were magical or they're spending too much time grieving the loss of the wrong thing because all they remember is Space Mountain interesting no didn't think of how shaky the trash cans were and the trash cans that's the stuff that's the day-to-day yeah how good was it day to day this is the difference between being in love and being happy hmm what is the difference between love and happiness you can be in love and be really unhappy be suffering inside and be in love constant being loved and be having a relationship that's causing you constant anxiety constant heart ache constant pain feeling overlooked not feeling important you can be in love and all of those things still be true how crazy is that we think that love is this thing where it's like it's rational like I'm gonna love I'm gonna be in love with this person who brings me joy not true and we need to start worrying more about happiness because if someone isn't building with you if someone isn't committing to actually building the castle with you mm-hmm that's the quality of your life ya know how in love you are you might love certain things about them you might have loved the date you went on you might have loved them the Space Mountain or certain characteristics they had sex wasn't cloud charming they were how charismatic how whatever it didn't but maybe it doesn't mean that you're happy day to day it's a big difference right when do you know I love this analogy and it made me want to ask you about when do you know you're ready for a committed intimate relationship when do you know you're ready for it as opposed to you just feel alone and you want to have someone in your life I guess when you're when you're ready to build then you're ready to build when it's not you're going there because it the fantasy of it all is exciting to you but when you're actually ready to build and and that doesn't mean that you're not looking see the castle analogy is is cool because when we were talking earlier about this idea of giving without expectation well you you do expect something in a relationship right it's overly simplistic we do expect things we expect respect mm-hmm as loyalty defined on whatever Tom terms loyalty means to us love appreciation all of that to be seen we have a lot of expectations in a relationship so it's not a relationship when we just we give without expectation but that to me is where the building thing is really interesting to me because you want to work down hard as a builder in your relationship but you want someone else who's building to right that's where the expectation comes in I'm gonna I'm gonna work hard to build this thing and I'm gonna build it a really high standard mmm not gonna look at your work and go we'll have you missed out grouting there then I'm gonna you know like skip it on my end no this is my standard oh I'm gonna build to a really high standard what if the person you've been with for a year isn't building to you standard that's that's a conversation that's a real conversation like here's what I need here's the kind of relationship I want to have when do you start to just say well it's okay if they do half the job that I do is the job is the job they're doing half-assed one you really need them to do well or is it one that can be done half-assed you know sometimes I think there are certain things we let go in a relationship that's what compromise comes that's where the sacrifice comes in there are certain things I'm okay with you not doing as well as I once thought I needed someone to do them well I thought this thing was really important if not it's not a head pull yeah I love you what are we doing don't worry it's not that big of a deal I and we've all done that we've all seen those things that once were important to us and we let them we said you know what this I was at an age where I thought that was really important and it's no longer as important or significant as I made it and then there are things that never stop being important well they become more important you know the ability to communicate well I think as you get older those things become more important yeah the ability for someone to have genuine empathy to the ability for someone in let's say an argument to to not jump to saying a spiteful thing mm-hmm that's hard to then forget someone who doesn't try and do damage in an argument but tries to build tries to figure out let's figure this out together we may both be hurt but let's come to this in a loving way when you're younger you say [ __ ] that's just mean hurtful yeah hey and then you realize oh god three months later they still remember that comment even though they said they forgot it but they hold on to it they still they still have that in their head I'm not doing that again there's certain things I think as you get older hopefully if we mature we start to see these are them this is the importance what do you think are the I didn't prep you on this before but what do you think of the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive long term committed for decades what are like it needs to have these three or these five things otherwise it's gonna be really challenging to be to sustain this type of love and joy and happiness I mean a couple of simple ones I guess I need to I need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to not just ways that are comfortable to me mm-hmm we in other words pay attention to what your partner actually needs because it's really easy to say you know I'm gonna bring them lunch every day that's that's like I I'm a really good cook and I'm really do you know I want to slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day because you know that's me giving maybe they don't care bring lunch every day like maybe they don't care maybe what would mean the most to them is you them getting home and you really being interested in their day mm-hm do you think la love languages is an important part of this where it's like understanding someone's love language and giving them their time are you think I think it's I think that it's an interesting framework and it's been for a lot of people a very successful framework I think any framework that just allows you to kind of you know create a little structure of the things that gives you some simplicity around it is can be valuable sure you know and it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply but it is a valuable model to work from so it's showing up in ways yeah not what do I want to give but what do they actually need I think that's a llama game that's a lot of conflict in relationships because and I think you need to understand do I want to do something that's uncomfortable every day that's not foreign to me or that's foreign to me or do I want to find a partner that enjoys the things that I like to give well that's that's that's an interesting question I you know might be a relationship is gonna be a bit of both but sometimes it works even without like that's a kind of compatibility issue I think it even works outside of that in day to day stuff because you might say the thing I want to give to my partner is an awesome you know night together but maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends and the maybe the most loving thing you can do is say hey I know you haven't seen this person in a while you should go and see them I know that relationship is important to you mm-hmm you should go and hang out with your mum tonight or you know recognizing not what's easy for me to give but what might be less comfortable for me to give but it's actually what would mean the world to them yeah and and I think if you really want to make yourself irreplaceable to someone it's recognizing that mmm because no one else is going to do that for them I mean you know I mean like it's they may be there it's really rare to find someone who who is willing to do that for you okay so that's all one thing is to work on yourself yep and to say I'm responsible for me my partner isn't responsible for me I need to do the work to be the most loving confident person I can be in this world one of us fulfilled mm-hmm has their own purpose has things that drive them that to me is very very important if what's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves because you you throw a few things out there but what's like I mean firstly do you have maybe here's an interesting question you can ask yourself if I had 10 hours free right now what would I do with them interesting if you can't give a good answer to that question you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship and been what binge watching a series is not the best use of your time it's you know that if if the answer is oh my god well I have my purpose the thing I love getting stuck into or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose not everyone has found like their life's calling but it could be do you want to learn this language or I really want to see this friend I really want to go on you know whatever it is read this book or learn this think I care of my home yeah well I can't wait to get to the gym oh if you should be able to answer the question of my partner can't sort of me today hmm what would I do with that day now and if you can't that then your you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting their partner detects them waiting for their partner to make them feel good and that's not attractive it's not and it's not fair to our partners it's a lot of pressure it's a lot of pressure and and by the way people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a bandaid on all sorts of things for them you know if they're feeling like we there's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now now I think vulnerability is huge I think the work that people like brené Brown are doing and so on is huge it's massively important vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage and we should encourage it more both sexes all the time but his vulnerability is something's making me insecure and I'm gonna share it with you because you're my partner and I love you and I tell you things right but you don't need those vulnerabilities if an hour from now I tell you feeling insecure again and then an hour from now you know that things affecting me again and this month tonight because now in a way what we're doing is instead of sharing we're dumping mmm I'm asking you now to fix it for me to put a bandaid on it for me now feel better yeah of course it's part of that part a loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and to make you feel safe and to make you feel secure and it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling is insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job in those days true they're not reloading they're not building they're doing things that are proactively making us feel insecure there's minor betrayals Milan neglects all of that but sometimes we have to say okay what part of my what part of this am I responsible for and it's my it's my partner's responsibilities our responsibilities in life together to share mmm to share the load to work towards things together but it's not your job to carry the load for me mm-hmm to carry my problems to put the band-aid on every day I need to maybe once in a blue moon yeah of course of course and we're walking do that over there like well we're gonna have days weeks times where we're going through something really serious and our partners job is to show up yeah you know but my friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me some days or weeks you get to be needy and difficult and high-maintenance and boring and you know insecure and then you don't and I thought yeah like we get to be those things for a time mm-hmm till we don't until it gets too much for somebody else because we need to be at the very least we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth yeah so the you know the first one what do we have show up in ways they need not just ways you want to show up the second one's work on yourself yeah I think I guess the third one to me teamwork is everything like being a genuine team is huge really looking at each other as team mates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs or I'm competing with you in some way yeah I've done that before like we're an actual team and I saw you know one of the things I loved most about Chris Rock's recent standup tambourine I'm assuming it's such a genius name the whole concept is you know about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine he complained about the backup instrument right right and and I thought it was such a great great metaphor because in a in a good relationship you know in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship did some days you play tambourine some days you're their team mate you can't heat you know the way he says it her success is your success and vice versa you're in this together you and and some days that person's the the the lead and you're on tambourine and a lot of people have never learned how to play a tambourine mmm there's the other thing I don't know I remember where it comes from but every relationship has a flower and a gardener all right why most people don't to be in a relationship where they're always the gardener and they wouldn't be never the flower right blew me all the time yes and sometimes you have to be the gardener no matter how long you've played the flower right right you and I have played flowers a lot in our lives right have been used to being a certain you know having a leader role and having these kind of big lives and big worlds and whatever and then you go to a relationship and the relationship doesn't give a [ __ ] you know I mean our you know yeah okay although you know that you're the flower out there in the world sometimes in our relationship you have to be the gardener sometimes you got to play Tambourine even if to everyone else you are the the constant flower alright movie reference Constant Gardener you can't you can't be the constant flower you can't you might be in your business in some way but relationship is different you can't now you're coming as 2 equals hmm and so it's so much of its checking your own damn ego being like I'm in this to be with you as a teammate not this or this this when you know you've found your match for life or your potential match for life so you think this could be the match by the way these are much harder questions than the first interview you know the only thing when you see these three things after a period of time and you feel convinced that the the the bricks are being laid equally in a certain way yeah when what are you saying I'm ready to be committed all III think they're four four stages to a relational go stage one stage one is admiration that's when you don't have a relationship with this person you admire like I like you and I look at you and I'm like this person is hot they had something about them I like their qualities I like their energy they have a good potential yeah okay and by the way that doesn't even mean they have a good potential for you right now it just means this is a person of high potential in some way you admire them yeah the second stage is connection mm-hmm and you could I think in that in a sense connection and chemistry are both relevant to this stage because you have this person where there's a mutual like I like things about you you like things about me I think you're attractive you think I'm attractive we share some common ideas common grounds in life our outlook whatever is yeah that could be found on a great date right it doesn't really mean much still mmm-hmm this is the plot of land yeah you can have great sex so it'd be chemistry you can call make out all night none of this means you're gonna have a great relationship the third stage is commitment that says I want to do this with you I am committing with you and you are committed to building with me mmm that's a really great stage to be a it's very important right it's you can't have a relationship without that any relationship without that or where that's one-sided is unrequited love by definition mm-hmm and there are a ton of people out there right now who say oh I'm just you know I create a program recently called attraction to commitment which literally dealt with why people keep getting stuck in limbo why they keep getting stuck in the casual phases and it never gets to a relationship one of the things that fascinates me is how long we stay with something that's just casual there isn't a real relationship on the hope that it will change mmm unrequited love you know certainly unrequited commitment yeah it's a nice time we're at 23 right that's stage 3 stage 4 is compatibility mm-hmm and the hard thing I think for a lot of people is I used to question this one myself like if you know that idea love conquers all right it does not a wish I like it I like that phrase it's an amazing I love the phrase I love the sentiment of it may be amazing bumper sticker you know and there's nothing you know what is more powerful in the world than than love and all you need is love yeah apparently apparently not it's not you need a little more it you can have love without commitment right and you can have you can have commitment without compatibility understand this is where things get I I used to think well maybe commitment is enough and maybe issues with compatibility cannot be overcome as long as two people are truly committed to each other I don't I don't believe that anymore I I think that it goes beyond commitment they're truly lost you have to have two people who are really comparable like okay let's say we got commitment to people want to be together they admire each other they have chemistry right there cook they say I'm committed to you but one person's sex drive is here and the other ones is here not compatible this is going to be difficult one person likes to spend a lot of money another person wants to save all the money right one person believes in a certain religion another person doesn't believe in one person you know wants to spend five days a week together the other person is happy with one night a week together one person wants their family to move in the other person was their space right these are serious serious issues that often end relationships and so to me you want to say what how do you know when you found your match all four four stages oh I admire this person we have connection and chemistry we have genuine mutual commitment and we're compatible how do you know if you're fully compatible or somewhat compatible and is there a spectrum of what's possible yeah that I mean I wrestled with that for four years myself is we're compatible here but not here and can we overcome this incompatibility here is it that goes back to is it one of my deal-breakers is it really important to me or can I let up here and does the other person understand the sacrifice I'm making in letting up there and do they show and I appreciate initiation for it and do they you know do they see me for that compromise that I'm making or do they just expect you you should do it easily yeah you just well you should have that that's the way I am so that's the way you should be yeah and to me again part growing up is realizing I wasn't always right I was you know there were things that I used to you know I've looked at ways that I've been in relationships in my past where I did something and I just so thought I was in the right and so took for granted what someone else was doing for me the way that they were being forgiving understanding and just completely took that for granted you know and I think man I mean you know you talked about we were four years ago we were together on this mm-hmm what's the biggest difference in my life being [ __ ] humbled and I saw God in so many ways in so many ways thinking you had to figure it out in one way but realizing that there was a lot of growth still thinking you wouldn't experience this kind of pain or worry or anxiety or fear and then oh it turns out that I can feel that too and those people who used to use that I used to hear using the word anxiety who I used to think along with everyone oh [ __ ] yeah the the ways that you realize you're not you're you're more vulnerable than you thought that mistakes you thought you'd never make you made America yeah he said where everyone else's mistake and then you make them things that were going well for you for a long time and then all of a sudden didn't go as well and you thought they were just always going to go well there's all sorts of things you have and that to me is what as you get older you hopefully hopefully you you know Socrates said the mark of an educated man is someone who has some awareness of how little they know mm-hmm and hopefully every year I realize how little I know no less more and more I realize how much I dug here and that has just it's made me better yeah it's made me better as many more forgiving it's made me more empathetic it's made me less judgmental it's made me a better coach a better speaker not to be so sure of myself about everything all the time you know yeah she doesn't always make for great Instagram I know I know I don't know one thing I know this well yeah maybe I feel I know less now than five years ago and maybe that's a good thing it is a good thing I think humility is a good thing we all need it at times I'm curious for all the women who come to your retreats who are suffering they deeply want this love this connection this compatibility commitment they want all these things that we're talking about and they feel like they've been struggling for years they've done the dating apps they've gone on hundreds of dates for all the people at your treats or the women who are watching or listening at home that just want to find their match their partner what's the first step they can take to start getting out of the weeds of like failure after failure and start seeing some progress to greater potential matches or a couple of things I mean firstly as a guy called John Kay who wrote a book called oblique 'ti and the whole idea of the book was oblique a tee is when you reach goals through indirect means so if you take building a business you're far more like if you're if your goal is to make money instead of focusing on making money focus on all the things that provide value to people yeah because the making money part will be the by-product right if you focus on I need to get ready to get rich I need to get rich you're probably not going to do the things that are going to get you rich right because what makes you financially wealthy the relationships you take time to build they're often for a long time you don't ask for anything you don't even care - you're just building you you know the products that you create for no reason then you just think that they're great or do you think they have value or whatever the service that you provide people it's just it's not what's the quickest way for me to make money most people like that don't get rich and right in a relationship there's all these things that build a relationship that really have nothing to that don't feel like they have anything to do with a relationship like who would say knowing what you would do with the next 10 hours of your life if it was free is actually going to be a huge determinant of the health of your relationship it's like one's over here and ones over here right shouldn't we be talking about how to have better sex yeah shouldn't we be talking about how to communicate well with my partner no we're talking about you being an independently attractive purpose driven independent person who is attractive just to watch from afar because of the life you lead that's going to lead to a much better relationship by the way even that will lead to better sex yeah because your partner looks at you guys like this more attractive this is a person just an extension of me yeah this is a person so it's the indirect things that contribute and so let's now take that to the single place I'm single what's what do I do next understand and study and this is a big part of what I do in my work so I'd encourage people to come check that out study the things that contribute to getting you a relationship that often have nothing to do with getting a relationship the things you do with your spare time do I you know do I do if I want to learn yoga do I do it on my own at home with a youtube video learning yoga by the way on its own could be a good thing just because it makes you more interesting you have more to talk about you feel confident in yourself all of that but okay now let me do a more sociable version of that let me go into a class where I might actually have the chance of meeting other people maybe they're not men maybe they're other single women but other single women are useful too another indirect variable because you have more single friends or more fun friends more charismatic friends friends who come knocking at your door going hey we're going out get out of your goddamn pajamas we're going out right that person is going to be great field of life makes you more desirable now make sure you and makes you leave the house instead of staying in every weekend makes you leave and go to places where people are you know the books you read who would say the books you read have anything to do with your relationship but they do on a date when you have [ __ ] to talk about absolutely all right so there's all these factors now the reason I'm saying that because of course there are direct factors but look my programs in my company which by the way people could go to how to get the guide calm to go and find all of these but the programs I have there are about very direct things like how to flirt strategy to meet someone how to do this how to do that but that's one piece of it right it's I encourage people to do all those indirect things and then someone can't say I'm just sick of going out I'm give I give up on what on what yeah like someone said that to me in a seminar I'd say I just feel like giving up tell me well I'm yourself on life you're giving up I want to hear this tell me what are you giving up on well I don't meeting people many people would you not meet people if you if someone said you can never find their love of your life that's off the table would you really stop meeting people you'll need for a human interaction would disappear I don't think so you'd stop flirting with people that's part of your character flirt being flirtatious is a part of who we are at times yeah so why would we lose that being sexual would you really lose that you're gonna stop being sexual just cuz the end result isn't coming I don't buy it you stop doing hobbies you'd stop getting out there all the things that you have to get rid of to say I'm done with relationships are things that would absolutely erode your life even if you take the relationship out of the equation yeah so I think people have to I understand I know there is a terrific level of like dating burnout right now and if you're out there feeling that right now I I urge you to think about this differently and to say I don't have to constantly have it in my mind I'm trying to meet something I'm trying to meet someone I'm trying to meet someone that game gets boring and now when you go on a date and it doesn't go anywhere you're a failure you see it as a life this isn't dating its life it's meeting people mmm experiencing a great conversation having a fun moment of interaction of flirtation doing things you want to do anyway doing hobbies you want to do anyway because they're there enrich your experience of life all of those things are really important you don't have to call it dating let's go live it's kind of like the analogy is said about running a business if you're focused on I need the relationship or is like I need to make a certain amount of money yeah is there is getting the relationship as opposed to one of my add value to the world and I'll track the customers that will pay me and I'll make money because I need to make money focuses on things that make the short-term economics work yeah and those things are generally not good for a business that's a right a Simon Simon love and what I want to ask you a couple of one of questions this just came to me I don't think I've ever asked anyone this but since you're the love guy okay I'm gonna go there typically I would ask the three Troost question which is what are your three true suppose the last day of your life what I'm gonna ask you a different spin on this imagine it's the last day of your life and you been in a committed compatible loving relationship with the woman of your dreams for the last 30 40 50 whatever years and you've been a part of this journey and experience where you've built this incredible castle with all of its dents and wears and tears and love and magic and unicorns and everything and it's your last day mmm and you've got a lights are gonna go off and you're not gonna be on this world anymore and your partner has one more day to live hypothetical you see you're 150 years old a partner has one more date you don't want your partner it has one more day to live let's screw that your partner has a few more years to live she's gonna live a little longer than you and you get to write three things a love letter to your partner write about the three things you loved about her the most that brought you the most joy the most incredible life from this relationship that you built together hmm what would you say or write to her are the three things you love them most about this woman that she would remember and go on for a few more years afterwards and that would be specific to a relationship right to a specific person to that relationship yeah to that person and the relationship imagine the relationship is everything you could ever dream of got it you created the relationship of your dreams it's the golden standard for the world look at a relationship and say wow they lived it in it they loved they went through it they were vulnerable it wasn't perfect but man this couple is the golden standard man okay what would you say is only three things so I want you to go there because I believe you're gonna create that and the relationship that you want to create what are the three things you would write a love letter to your your wife on your last day about the three things you appreciated the most about the love you created together that maybe one would be your you made me feel safe enough to be the best I could possibly be you know you your love made me feel so secure gave me such a platform to go and make an impact in the world on that that you know don't get me wrong I think we should have our internal security but I felt so secure in the relationship that this gave me this relationship gave me the energy mm to go out there and do amazing things with that energy so I made a bigger impact in the world because of the energy then your love gave me I'm getting chills already this makes me emotional just thing if I have anywhere to go from there so safety security that you you made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world and I don't just mean because we had each other mm-hmm you could feel very lonely in a relationship especially if you don't feel seen mmm but you find someone who sees you you know who know who really gets you and all of a sudden you don't feel so alone in the world because life is lonely you're gonna have tons of people around you but there are certain there's a certain existential loneliness that many people feel in life that for moments or times evaporates when you feel a true connection with someone and you see each other oh wow this is that's it that to me is transcendent so you your ability to see me made me feel less alone in the world and I guess you you were role model for me Wow the through observing you and seeing the way you live and seeing the way you approach things that there was so many times where I noticed you were better than me and that taught me how to be better it taught me how to you I grew because I saw the way you were Wow and that showed me no matter where I thought I was being around you showed me how wonderful people can be and that made me want to be more wonderful mmm I guess those are beautiful beautiful love letter what's the letter you would write to yourself you're 200 years old the last days till and you'd write a letter to your 32 year old self 32 now I'll tell you one thing - in a couple of weeks you read a letter to your 32 year old self and say one piece of advice looking back at what you'd say to yourself on how to become the best partner to create that magical relationship one thing I would say looking back up looking at myself saying here's that here's my advice being here's what you need to do to become that partner with that with that other person here's what you need to let go of here's what you need to step into here's where your ego needs to take a check I think how many things do I get I give yourself a few in stood let's do a couple I think I always loved just the idea of you question everything you know do don't that thing that you take for granted that you're right about you know question everything because it's I mean it's just amazing to me the things I I look back on now and I no longer district I no longer agree with what the 23 year old version of me for the 25 year old version of me thought and I think understanding that at least we're not very good at thinking about all the ways we might be wrong today but we're really good at knowing the ways we were wrong before right and it's more that's you know if you think of a lot of a lot of self-improvement people right dude gurus leaders whatever people want to call themselves they struggle they're very good at telling stories of how they [ __ ] up ah five years ago or ten years ago but now you should have seen me there but not many people are good at talking about today yeah and I think that that's a kind of blind spot we are we almost of us have in life people in general and I think if we can apply that thing of oh yeah god I was so wrong about that five years ago I was sober I couldn't be more wrong about that and I know that now we should apply that to the next five years - yeah you know in the next ten years and say there's a lot [ __ ] I'm gonna look back on five years from now and say god I did not know what I was talking about that doesn't mean we should not trust ourselves on anything you know there's I've heard it said that you know strong opinions loosely held you know they it doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate about what we think now but it does mean we should leave room for questioning and to that end I think I would tell myself to be kinder to myself over the course of my life things that I had mistakes I've made within relationships I have definitely I have definitely been the person and even today have to wrestle with making doing something that I know that wasn't the best reaction to that mm-hmm we should have handled that differently we should have said a different thing we should have phrased that differently I wish I didn't say that and then really really being myself up for it yeah you know not letting it go even after you've finished the argument even after you get to the other side continuing to berate yourself for it and and the shame about that is that it lacks humanity it makes us forget that we're human and that we don't get everything right and the only way we're gonna get more right is by making certain mistakes and learning from them and it also stops us from being effective because that energy that we're putting into to berating ourselves is actually stopping us from doing the very things that would move everything forward from that mistake if it's not it doesn't make relationships better mistakes actually make relationships better very often can you learn or you hopefully you learn you learn those things they really can transform mistakes can transform relationships but not if you sit there consistently dwelling on them they make relationships better if you can improve from them and move on and be the thing you want to be now so I think I would tell myself to be be kinder to myself for mistakes yeah so not obsess over things I should have said or done differently yeah you know what to that end we we should the halfway through this interview I was kept losing my train of thought and probably you were gonna edit that out to be kind to me I'm gonna keep it in let's keep it in all right because like don't beat yourself up over it give people the real [ __ ] yeah Matthew has he's really eloquent look at the way he could string a thought together well I lost I lost my train of thought three or four times I don't know what happened I don't know what happened I couldn't think of the thing I was gonna say next I kept kept blanking mm-hmm okay some people with that that's that's inspiring oh [ __ ] Matthew I see convey in the middle of an interview and just go completely blank and not know what the hell he was saying yeah then what am I worried about yeah that's more interesting and that's you know that's a real relationship yeah a real relationship as well that's the real stuff there's stuff we're not seeing when we see other people's relation chips and everything think the highlight reels right and everything no this is like if we want to if we want to change our world forget the world for a moment because it's always seems a bit grandiose when we talk about changing the world but changing owl up let's bring in the real because that that genuinely changes things you know what makes relationships better true realness vulnerability people living their truth people being more real being more upfront more direct you know what makes you more attractive on a date being more real mm-hmm not going there you people worry about the hair and is this alright be tell a real [ __ ] story on the day yeah that's what's gonna you want to talk about deep attraction not surface level [ __ ] deep surface level [ __ ] is in 2d on Instagram deep attraction the kind of attraction that gets relationships comes from real stories real shared experiences and if you want any if you do want to change other people's worlds as you know cuz you're so good at it it's bring people the real yeah because that's more inspiring than the guy who sits there and does great for an hour and always knows exactly what he's gonna say the perfect person yes it's not as interesting I love this man those against insights for you hopefully that's helpful for your life reflecting on that yeah you've mean that was yeah you asks question you're great though man you're great at what you do and I have to I know that you you say a lot about you know you hear you talk a lot about gratitude and you ask people questions constantly about that and I have to share my gratitude for you while we're here to honor you to your audience because you have you know I've been through difficult things and I've given you the phone call at difficult times in my life where you know I'm like Lois I need someone to talk to him oh and you've given me the time sat down with me and been a voice for me that is sober and out of my own head and and been truly kind in kind and wise which is a good combination when someone's not just being kind to you but they also are saying things that for very astute and helpful and you've been that for me in some in some really difficult moments and I remember in those moments thinking got them so going home and thinking how grateful I am for that friendship yeah and and hoping that more people get that for themselves yeah it's a tremendous thing when you have it so thank you for not appreciating it's been a beautiful four years it really has excited for 40 more ma'am they say that's more important paint on the wall I mean buildings any building and I'll say to anyone out there right now who's watching because I want to I'd love to give you a way to kind of continue the journey with me if I'm resonating with you there is a wonderful video I do my retreats twice a year as you know they're a six day program and I urge anyone to apply for that if you you know can create six days to transform your life to damn trailer please please please apply that's at Matthew Hussey retreat calm but I also created an at-home version of this for people who aren't able to come to the live event and you can obviously go and do that program and I would encourage you to do it but what I've done is taken a training piece from that and I'm giving it away as a gift and that's I literally bring a woman on stage this beautiful gorgeous soul Alexandria I bring her on stage and we really transform her perspective and her confidence in a kind of very relatively short space of time and people can see what's possible for themselves in their confidence by watching this video and by watching the process that I take her through was over birth that's it get Matt's secret calm Matt with two T's get Matt's secret calm you know just go there put in your email address you can download you can be watching it immediately five minutes from now but it's very very powerful and for anyone who's like I don't know I you know I wanted more of this they can you can go and get more there yeah and subscribe to you on YouTube because I watch your videos and I'm not a girl you know they're for women but I'm like I learned so much as a man being in a relationship when I was single I would watch them when I was just learning so much so it doesn't matter who you are I look forward to every Sunday to getting your emails for the videos so make sure you guys subscribed there Matthew Hussey on Instagram Facebook YouTube and get Matt's secret com final question for you before I ask it I got to acknowledge you man for for constantly being a powerful voice in the world for so many women who are suffering you know you mostly work with women and there's a lot of women I think who are just suffering because they don't know how to get out of their own way and you help them gain the confidence by focusing on their life and taking responsibility for life and giving them strategies and tools to really attract love committed compatible love and I think at the end of the day we all want that connection and that intimacy and that love and you're providing a safe environment for women to cultivate that within themselves and truly love themselves first so they can attract a partner that they want and yeah what they want so I know g-man it's amazing you've been committed for a decade plus now and you haven't slowed down so thank you and I want to say really appreciate you saying that and I want to say to anyone out there I'm I mean I'm on the journey with you mm-hmm like I'm I'm not coming from here I'm right there whether you doing the work for myself yeah I'm my own experiment all the time I feel a perfect lifestyle it is my life's hard and I'm working on it though it's good I encourage other people to come and you know work on it with me there you go your final question in - what's your definition of a great relationship I think is it's got to be one where one plus one equals three there you go now you hussy my man appreciate your brother power shake

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 810,990

Rating: 4.8143592 out of 5

Keywords: lewishowes, the school of greatness, podcast, interview, 2019, business, self help, motivation, Matthew Hussey, relationships, love, dating coach, energy, matthew hussey, matt hussey, love advice, dating advice for women, tips for women, lewis howes, relationship coach, dating advice, how to attract men, make him like you, make him love you, attract men, what men want, how to get the guy, relationship interview, lewis howes interview, matthew hussey interview, how to talk to men

Id: SRLjQO3u9ZQ

Length: 88min 36sec (5316 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 26 2019