Former Secret Service Agent Reveals How to Adopt a Commanding Presence | Evy Poumpouras

the more adversity you deal with the more resilient you become when you don't deal with adversity when you avoid conflict you don't know what to do when real conflict shows up [Music] have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're being disrespected treated like a doormat or someone is just blatantly crossing a boundary and you freeze you go quiet you don't say anything and then hours later you beat yourself up for not standing up for yourself you replay the scenario in your head over and over and over and now you actually have the perfect comeback you know what you should have said or done and now you're just kicking yourself sound familiar and the worst part is you do the same thing again and again well that can be an average wednesday for many of us you see having the confidence the strength and the courage to stick up for yourself when you feel like you've been mistreated is not only freaking difficult it's a skill a skill today's guest the badass former secret service agent who is part of the protective detail for president obama george w bush and president clinton is going to teach us a former federal agent tasked with arresting interviewing polygraphing and protecting people and working complex undercover operations and criminal investigations developing courage confidence and resilience is her freaking super power so guys please welcome the author of becoming bulletproof the real life superhero my homie evie pompoulas welcome to the show gal thank you for that intro when we did our last interview it's over a million views people wanted to hear more of you so thank you for coming back to the show and where i want to start is with a quote that you said my default response is tell people to go [ __ ] themselves i thought you are absolutely the perfect person to help us talk about what we do when we feel like in moments we're being disrespected and so there's a very clear story that i'm obsessed with that you have told about you and some chinese delegates so i want you to start with telling the story and then let's break down how on earth the girl that says she just wants to tell people to go [ __ ] themselves is able to handle that situation with dignity so i know what story you're referring to so in the u.s secret service a lot of people don't realize that you also protect foreign heads of state we deal with foreign countries so on one occasion i was in mexico and i was the agent in charge of it was the g20 summit and so all these heads of states are there to include the president at the time and the uh head of china and so they were having what they call a closed door meeting meaning sometimes they have these private meetings where it's the the presidents and then maybe just like a handful of their uh head cabinet members so they're in there their clothes are secure i was a person in charge of the venue in the site and so somebody from his delegation wanted to go in now i you know i don't authorize who goes in or out like i just i was the muscle i guess you could say i mean it was a muscle and so he tried to get in it was this and he was huge she was a really huge guy and i was like you know sir you can't come in he was not happy about it i got the state department over my counterpart and i said look you're the one who has the names of everyone can we just double check to make sure that we didn't leave this this man off the list and um she we looked at him and we're like no sir you can't come in and he was pissed you know i think we like definitely insulted him we didn't he didn't we didn't know who he was like and when you're in that type of position like everybody is somebody everybody is somebody everybody and so if everybody's somebody if everybody's important then nobody's important so he kind of tried to sneak in i wouldn't let him and then he got very angry with me and he put hands on me and uh he grabbed me by my suit and like shoved me and when he shoved me back the doors to where the pres the presidents were meeting were behind so he literally shows me through and we i banged through the doors and then i had this moment because i wasn't expecting it you know you can expect to fight with certain people when i'd go out for an arrest or somebody wasn't complying i would expect that type of behavior but i didn't expect it from like this high-level delegate who's i still don't know who he is and you know i had this voice in my head and this is where i went from secret service to like back to queens i'm like oh [ __ ] he didn't like this guy just put hands on me i'm like oh [ __ ] no i grab you know i grabbed him by his suit color and i just shoved him back into all the chinese delegates that were there and um they so he turned out to be a general i had no idea and so they they all jumped on top of me and i remember like one delegate pulled me off another delegate like put me in a chokehold somebody slammed me up against the wall and i've got all these foreign delegates on me and i'm like [ __ ] you game on old in front of the president of the united states now he so what happened is we we backed into his office the doors opened where they were meeting and then we went back in the hallway okay we're brawling and then thankfully like somebody alerted some of my colleagues who were like further down and then you know that's when the interpreter came over and you said shame on you you touched one of our generals and i'm like i think you tell your general that picking fights with ladies isn't very you know general like so but you know i had to control that rage i'm in the middle of a g20 summit and you just gotta reel it in but at the same time you have to defend yourself like i am not about violence like you know violence is like such an obvious way to fight and quite funky it's a very insecure way to fight people overly aggressive and violate because you're so afraid and you feel like you you're like over compensation and i feel like if i'm going to waste my energy on you it better be worth it yeah i love that this is what i really want to talk about the amount of people obviously your case is super extreme but you're a freaking expert but your everyday person like myself and the people listening it's you get disrespected often there are certain things where people cross a boundary across a line um and it's very difficult in that moment to stay cool to um know how to handle it and then even if you get yourself super angry to be able to calm down back to neutral so what are the elements that you feel like are important for people to build because like i said at the beginning i really do believe it's a skill and it's a skill to know how to handle and navigate different situations so when someone physically crosses your boundary um and let's say you don't have the physical skills to actually fight them off what do you suggest people do okay so this is heavy this is like so many layers so let me say one thing first first before we we start assessing another person it's me first i have to have self-control if i don't have self-control over myself if i don't if i cannot master myself forget about the outside world so it always has to begin with you so knowing that i am hot-headed and knowing that my first inclination is to tell people to go [ __ ] themselves which is true i know that i have work to do so i'm very aware of that and i'm very aware that that is not the right thing to do so i don't say this like yeah bravado i say this like yeah this is a a trait of mine that i've had to work very very hard to kind of curtail and reign in i'm so sorry to interrupt you but there's something super powerful here what made you go from you being that to acknowledging your that and then acknowledging it doesn't serve you because i was fighting with everybody and you just said something must be wrong here like yes i was wrong if i'm fighting with this person and that person and even my dad you know i used to fight with my dad all the time because i didn't agree with the way he thinks i love my dad let's put that out there but we would fight all the time and then one day i'm like why am i fighting with all these people why am i trying to convince everybody of what i think i'm like and i i really started to have like this thoughtfulness because if you're fighting with everybody if ever if you're having problems at work you're having problems at home you're having problems with friends if you're having problems with everybody there's one common denom denominator and it's it's me and i would see that and so i was like i got a real me and plus like it's exhausting and i have no time i realize i'm wasting energy fighting with people and i'm not saying that some people don't deserve to be put in their place but i guess i look at it like are you worth my time most people aren't so you have to choose that so going back to what you ask first it's self-mastery you gotta you gotta have yourself locked down you gotta have emotional intelligence over self it's a greek saying know thyself you don't know thyself nothing else nothing else i can teach you matters now if you know and understand yourself then at that point betrayal i think there's different levels lisa of betrayal of disrespect like if it's some yahoo on the street who's giving me a hard time like road rage or what i don't care i'm busy i gotta go somewhere so like i would i would not entertain that stuff so i guess i think of it like are you worth me responding to do i have to respond to you but i also do think like you have to be super careful because if you let some a lot of things go then you will have people who will test you yes and truth be told like i i can see people and i've experienced it myself like i feel like every five years i have like a betrayer like show up every like every couple of years i'm do one person to like really cross that line because i really do avoid the you know i avoid the drama because i focus on my work i focus on my family and i and i avoid putting my energy into negative things in people but i think you will have people test the waters with you i love the quote you teach people how to treat you yeah so it's literally the more you let things go the more they're like oh i can do this and they're not going to retaliate so where so how tell me every version then of levels of disrespect and how you actually handle each stage yeah so you know what let me share this this is what happens to us there's there's some science there's some research they've done in the chemistry of the brain and and it comes to trust and this is where we feel usually disrespected like and this is on a higher level this is where it hits us deeper so when you trust there's two types of trust there's conditional trust and unconditional trust now conditional trust is i'm gonna do a business deal i'm gonna buy a car from a salesman so when you deal with conditional trust you access a higher level of your your brain and when you access this complicated place of your brain you are trusting conditionally which means you're working very hard you understand this person will manipulate you you understand that you can only trust them conditionally and you do expect some type of maybe betrayal or lies or something to happen but you work very very hard when you're in that space so when that person betrays you like that you bought a car and the car salesman you know screws you over you're like you know what i didn't like that guy i knew he was going to do that i kind of felt it you're upset but it's not like this deep thing that's conditional trust that's a lot of work though now unconditional trust the sign shows that axis is a different part of our brain a more primitive part of our brain and this is where we like to live because it's less work so this is like the trust you have with your partner this is the trust you have with a family member or close friend which means i'm not working so hard because i'm giving you all this unconditional trust but then what happens is when they betray you because you don't expect to get betrayed like you did with the car salesman or in a business negotiation so when you get this kind of betrayal this is when it crushes you and this is where you have such a hard time getting over it this is where you see people going through a divorce or painful friendship or where they have that deep you know betrayal and they're like they can't overcome it and i think it helps for you to understand why that is because of in a truly there's science behind it it's like understanding am i trusting this person conditionally or unconditionally so although we like to trust people unconditionally and i have been there i've trusted unconditionally and i have been betrayed it's going to happen to all of us i think though we set triggers or red flags for us to know it to know when it's going to happen if you're just open to everybody all the time you're going to you're just going to be inviting it in all the time so you do have to create those barriers for yourself but you also have to do your self-assessment of people like who am i gonna let into my inner circle you are in my inner circle you know like i i i select the people in my inner circle and i think like you know what you should have people audition in a sense right you should audition to be in my life and that's where your self-worth comes in wow that was so articulate and amazing and so then my next question is then when we let the people in at least for me i find it even more difficult when they disrespect me or if they've crossed the boundary i find it way more difficult to handle in those situations and i think that i allow my like you were saying um the unconditional like the my guard is way less down so i let them get away quote-unquote with more things so you've repeated multiple times emotional intelligence so i'd love to kind of break that down even more and say and and um put the two together on how you build the emotional intelligence and then how you use that in these situations whether it's a work colleague or it's someone very close to you yeah so when we talk about a work colleague or anything like that or issues like that i mean i've experienced those i remember once i had a work colleague this is my previous career when i was in the service um reprimand me and he was an equal to me about a case about something that he thought i was supposed to do that i wasn't supposed to do and he had just kind of like gotten sort of an elevated position and i think he wanted to put on a bit of a show and he did this in front of people and it's like everything in me to not like rip him to shreds so i knew he was wrong i went and got the case file whatever i needed and i went back downstairs and i i stepped away because i really like nothing nothing good was gonna come out of my mouth but i also understand that it was work and i also understood that there was people around me and i was like you're not gonna own my response to you i'm gonna own it that's why i do it for me not for you so i got the case i grabbed him and i'm like hey we'll call him jay i'm like hey jay i'm like come here am i going to speak to you and i remember i pulled him into the stairwell and to speak to him in private because i learned through my interviewing techniques that when you want to let somebody know what you really think of them or when you want to reprimand somebody or discipline someone in some way you should do it in private because i knew if i ripped him in front of everybody he just would have ripped me back and we would have gotten nowhere because he's he's naturally gonna get defensive because i embarrassed him shame is a big thing so i pulled him to the side of the stairwell i said here you go this is what you're saying you need this is what was done and i'm like this is the thing i gave you the courtesy of pulling you into the stairwell to speak to you in private you've known me how many years i've never spoken to you like that again today was the first and last time you're going to speak to me like that again i was like do you understand and i'm giving you more respect than you deserve because i'm addressing you here in private have i ever spoken to you this way and he's like no and i'm like don't ever do that again here you go next time come speak to me with decency and respect but i was also able to do that and he was also able to absorb it again because i did it in private now i'm not saying they're all going to go smoothly like that for everybody but you choose when and how you respond and so i want for me it's like i own what i'm going to do i can't own what you do but i can own what i do but when i feel that rage because i feel it all the time i really when i can't i step away now that to me like honestly that's like low vibration like stuff like that when you deal with people like that that always think low vibration low vibration like this person this is silly like most of the times it is and most of the time you're dealing with people's egos now when we're elevating to like people i have to be honest my inner circle is small and i've just learned when i was younger i had friends everywhere and now this is my friend and that's my friend and i realized over years i'm like they're not all friends and what matters is the quality of the people you keep to you and i'm very thoughtful but there are certain standards that i create for myself so it kind of goes back to what you said about treatment and i say you get what you tolerate so if i know someone's lying to me i'll be thoughtful as far as why they're lying to me because sometimes people will lie out of fear they'll lie because they're ashamed and i will work to see if that person will be truthful with me or if they hold back for a reason but when somebody lies and they really hurt me betray me at least for me lisa i'll tell you this when i'm done when i make that conscious choice to be done with someone i'm done with them you know when i feel that kind of betrayal and again i feel like every five years but usually those betrayals those deep ones come from someone close to you it's not going to be usually an acquaintance it's going to be a family member it's going to be a relationship it's going to be all those different things but you also have to have enough common sense to know when to walk away when to know when to be done how do you know that because so many people struggle with that of knowing when to be done and walking away if somebody is lying to you you walk away i remember i had someone reach out to me and this is go this goes with her partner and she suspected her partner of being unfaithful she was asking me for help for advice i think she actually wanted to polygraph her partner and i'm like so when i heard that i'm like you want to polygraph your partner and she was like yes i was like i think you need to really reassess your relationship the minute yes i i knew i'm like this she's done this relationship's done dude i say that about checking people's phones the second you pick up your partner's phone to check it there's a problem with your relationship you know i think it's okay to check your partners oh let's have this debate absolutely do you yes my husband's on my phone all the time i'm like enjoy yourself so you get so you give each other permission and you like just check it whenever he has my passwords he has everything right well i guess because so tom has all my passwords but i never if i ever felt the inclination to check it to me it means that there's something wrong in my relationship where i don't trust him that i feel like i need um proof i don't look at it as proof i look at it as like well maybe you do need the proof to feel okay because for whatever reason you're feeling something and so i kind of like and this is where i kind of go back into my investigator thing i think there's a problem i want proof here i'm not texting anyone i'm done now we can go on with our lives other than that i hold it in it builds up and i'm going to tell you something lisa and i'm not saying this applies to you i had somebody else school me once no try to school me on like you shouldn't look through your partner's phone it's shameful it's this and it was kind of unsolicited it was in the discussion nobody does that and like this whole self-righteous thing and the irony was that person that woman that's was schooling me sending me this like she sent me this long tired email her husband cheats on i knew you're gonna say that and i know about it i know about it that's the ironic thing now it took everything in me to be like let me lay some truth on you but that wouldn't that wouldn't have been the right thing to do i held my tongue you know they had a family they had all these things but inside me i'm like why are you you so over the top with trying to impose this on me it's like you do what you want but because underneath it all she's like so adam about not looking at a partner's phone because it's like yeah because your partner doesn't let you look at it why when all you would have to do is like here you go babe look and i feel like i i want to look through my husband's phone like maybe i'm having an off day and maybe i feel funny it's like let me can i see your phone yeah here because if i don't i'm doing it for him for him to find peace when i resist it's my ego you don't you want to look at my phone why how dare you why the [ __ ] not you're my husband here's where i always come from with anything like even the suggestions and advice it's always like this work for me like for me i don't ever like to feel jealous i don't like the feeling of it and so i say to myself if i feel jealous why am i feeling it like is it something that he's doing if it is i need to acknowledge and i need to address it is it something that i'm insecure about if it is i need to feel it like let's say for instance because i even use the story of my husband could be walking down the street someone could text me a photo of him hugging another woman down the street or like hand in hand or something like that i'd be like i'm sure there's an explanation i would never jump to he's doing something now i also say it completely leaves me open to being hurt i am so aware of that on so many levels but it's been so beautiful for me and my husband because anytime he may feel jealous or any time i feel jealous we just sit down and talk about why and then we get to the root problem once we've gotten to the root problem whether it's let's say i feel like like um i don't feel pretty right now because maybe i've got health gut issues and that really does you know um affect how i feel about myself so it's like okay it's a self-esteem issue oh okay it's because of my health like we kind of backtrack it and then the same with him and it's actually allowed us to to figure out and solve the problems as we go along there you go so then where do you have a fine line then about where there's that line lined with disrespecting someone when it comes to i had no intention of going here but because we went down the h husband around the jealousy route um do you think that there's a fine line of a communication between let's say your partner and somebody else and that comes across disrespectful and then how would you handle that because like i'm all about right now you've been in so many situations where i think people have tried to push you around disrespect you and so i'm trying to think of all these different scenarios and let me tell you the amount of people i think have felt that um is very high so do you have ways of handling that so and i would be i you probably have dealt with it too but like there are moments where like i'll have my husband with me and i mean he's a good-looking i think he's a good-looking man and like sometimes i'll see you know a woman or women be like oh hey or sometimes people like oh make sure you bring your husband i'm like okay um i won't do anything to that person but he's so aware of that because he doesn't like it done to him that like i'll be like hey babe like she's a little too he's like yeah i know i'm sorry you know i'm like hey that person's calling you a little too much for help on something he's like yeah i know weird so but he and i and that's important like it's it's conveyed openly i don't get mad at him because i'm like it's not his fault someone's like behaving that way now if he engages or does something i'll say hey listen but he's so but we've had so many discussions like we're so very super mindful like we have discussions about this and they're not ugly discussions they're very thoughtful because he feels the same way i mean even my previous career i worked with men all men and so for him you know he's he's like you're around dudes all the time so you have to trust so it starts with the person um but at the same time allowing that person the openness to like go through your phone go through your laptop like if that's what you need to feel okay have it but it's not going to be like every day like i i'm like you it's like why do you want to look to my phone well i feel this and this and this if you can articulate articulate to me in a healthy way have at it you know because there's moments if people need that you feel insecure and you need your partner to be like hey i love you i i'm sorry you feel that way i don't agree with it but you know what here you go but then you can move on but that obsessive stuff that's sneaking into stuff the sneakiness of it no like ask me and i've told my husband once i think i caught him trying to look i'm like hey ask me you can have whatever you want you can look through anything you want it just hurts me when you do it in this in this roundabout way he's like i can't help it he's the criminal investigator in me i was like all right so i think that those are healthy it becomes unhealthy when it becomes obsessive and if you're obsessive about it well then hello there's a reason there's a reason but people if there is no one way your way works for you my way works for me and that's the thing there's no one way to be there's no one way to do it but you have to know thyself and really know your partner yeah i love that all right i'm going to take a bit of a hard right because i'm desperate to ask you about this um but i've actually got a quote of yours that is um very powerful i would like to read my successes in standing my ground wasn't really about my physical strength it was about my mental conviction i had to speak with confidence to make sure those who heard my message heard it clearly the first time and when i did act i had to do it so in a way that assured it would not be mistaken for weak or uncertain of my abilities yeah how do you do that it's the way you carry yourself i feel like breaking down what does size matter like that's the thing like power and strength first it lives in the mind right so if i think myself strong i am strong if i think i'm like you know even with that you know chinese delegate or if when i've had altercations with somebody bigger than me or somebody's messed with me you know my and i knew maybe they'd they could take me you know my mind i'm like all right man you know you may walk over here but and you may beat me but i promise you you're gonna be limping back you're gonna have to earn that and that's kind of like that that sentiment i've always had like i don't ever put myself underneath it's like i'm gonna brawl if i need to brawl but again like i i'm speaking this way but it really isn't my go-to behavior it was though like i really didn't want to fight everybody when i was younger and i wanted to to express my opinion and force my opinions on other people's throats and i'm like why am i doing that and i realize that we do that one ego your ego runs a mock and then two in security especially when you're younger you're trying to figure yourself out so you don't know who the hell you are and be being grounded in yourself so i i really think it's like just about pausing and not letting yourself kind of like run wild but once you do that because you then say like and when i did act i had to do so in a way that assured it would not be mistaken for weak or uncertain of my abilities all right so i'll give you an example power linguistics and you know i've talked about this if i don't want somebody to go into this room i'm going to say you can't go into this room versus you can't go into this room so my tone my pitch i speak with conviction so what do you sound like when you deliver your information what words do you use that's the thing what do they hear what do they hear when they hear you like i know a lot of people who can't watch themself on camera can't hear themselves like oh my god is that what i sound like then fix it how would you start to fix it then look you want to strengthen your voice you don't want to be like okay you can't go into this room you can't go into this room it's like you can't go into this room you also have to believe in what you're saying and why you're saying so when i did my previous job like i was protecting the president of the united states i had the backing of the u.s secret service and look having that gives you confidence gives you confidence but i also went through training academies and i had people get in my face i had to deal with things but the more adversity you deal with the more resilient you become when you don't deal with adversity when you avoid conflict you don't know what to do when real conflict shows up repetition repetition in creating habits that are healthy so that when things happen you default to those habits and you pull up that version of you so i have that version of me that's the stand your ground version it's like oh no no no but i'm also tactical about it so if somebody can come at me or do something or betray me i'm not going to come at them at the most obvious of ways i'm also not going to do anything that brings me lower you know it gets really hard man because that greek part of me and that coins part of me wants to come out but i will i won't call that person names i really really will control but i'm like i'll fix you in some other way but the right way the best way the strategic way not to hurt you but to kind of get you out of their way and you know what's interesting too there's two main reasons or well there's two types of personas to be careful of people who are extremely self-righteous and people who use justification and so let me start with justification when i did interviews polygraphs i would interview people who did really horrible things and can i tell you they would almost always justify it we would have the saying any person can do anything at any given moment in time given the opportunity because you can justify it to yourself well i did i punched him or i hit him with a bat because he shoved me that's justification or i'm gonna go after him and his money you know or after his family because he did this to me or she did that to me and justification is very dangerous because you can you use that to justify you doing something bad or somebody else will use that to justify harming you at the end of the day what you're doing is horrible just be aware of that you're just justifying it to yourself even when i interview people who committed crimes of passion or just crime in general well i did this to her because she did that because she led me on because she teased me whatever whatever the case may be or because she you know betrayed me in this way and so people hit back so you ever have that time where you're like i can't believe this person did this to me he's like yes you can you know why because in their minds they justified what they're doing to you that's why sometimes we have these moments like what are they thinking they're thinking i'm justified the other persona to watch for is self-righteousness that is huge so that's the i am holier than thou i know better i'm i'm above you or when you have people you ever you know you ever have anybody be like you know what i'm really gonna pray for you because you need it right anybody says that to you it's like first of all it's the most condescending thing you can say to someone because it's insinuating i'm closer to god or allah or whoever you believe too than you are so i'm going to talk to him for you no don't worry about it i'll go talk to him or her myself and with self-righteousness it's like you believe you're so right and that's rigidity that when you think no no no i'm so right let me tell you how right i am red flags and look at how people treat other people because if they gossip about other people they treat other people the poor the wrong way i promise you they're doing the same thing to you or will do the same thing to you you have to look at people holistically who they are with everybody because that's going to come back to you that's so amazing i love those breakdowns so if you've noticed these characteristics in people is that when you're like okay this is someone that is probably going to cross a boundary disrespect me so i'm going to distance myself you feel dirty right don't you feel that when you deal with certain people and they haven't betrayed you yet but there's these little lies or little betrayals and you feel like you feel dirty i wouldn't have said dirty but i totally get what you mean but i have that's one of my triggers is being spoken down to so i definitely understand what you're what do you do i'm like i'm flipping the interview around i know i'm curious because what would i do okay so if it was in business i wouldn't bring it up because i wouldn't want to show that i'm weak because it is a weakness i absolutely see it because it's a trigger and i think any triggers can be a weakness so for me i would it's my trigger and i've identified it as a trigger i know that it means that that's a weakness i wouldn't want to show it's a weakness and to be honest i think part of me is like it's a weakness and i just need to get stronger and i'm still i tell myself i'm still in training you're not there yet lisa like i don't beat myself up over it but i do acknowledge it i acknowledge what has happened i acknowledge it's a trigger i acknowledge it comes from my childhood and i take deep breaths and i may either go quiet actually or i step back and we'll try and get out of that conversation immediately because i do not want them to see it but i actually now that i'm thinking about it i think i do the opposite with my family if it's my family in the moment i'll be like maybe you didn't realize but you actually just disrespected me there so i always then follow up with hey i know you don't mean to i know your intention i know you love me but i feel like you actually just disrespected me here and then we'll just have that back and forth it's like oh my god no i didn't mean to this is what i did i was like oh cool thank you for explaining and if it's me i'll even say actually yeah you're right thank you for explaining i realize this is my insecurity i have to go on work on it but if i still disagree and i think that they actually did disrespect i'll keep going and i'll start to break down what language what word they used um because i really want to bond with them and i think that when it's a stranger if you put guard up it's not a big deal but when you want to get close to somebody i'm always going to reveal the truth you know the real me okay so i feel like with family i let a lot go with family interest because it's just who they are i guess like i've come to a place and age where i'm like i know who i am i'm grounded as a person and i i don't feel like i have to argue every point like sometimes like i'll have to check somebody here and there be like hey let's relax you know i'll do that and but even with my husband i'm like hey i'd appreciate you saying that but i i let a lot go because i found like it doesn't matter like my i don't get as affected by it because because you said something you're like most of the time they don't come from a place of a bad place so if i know they don't come from a bad place why do i have to correct it like that's me i'm just like okay that's mom that's my brother that's my husband that but like if i'm betrayed in some way like i will i will have it out but usually for me betrayal like we're talking true like you like stab me in the back wherever you wanna i'm done with you because at that point like you've done so much damage and i'm very mindful like i don't i'm very mindful my behavior because sometimes we can betray someone and justify why we're doing it but i have to do this because it's the right thing to do it's the right thing to do by you and your little head but maybe not by everybody else or maybe not by me and so if if someone crosses that line for me it's it's done if somebody has it in them to harm you in such a significant way why on earth would i ever want to repair that i also can't bring you back in it's just like look it's done just go and then i think that's more powerful and you don't even have to tell people i've cut people out of my life silently why do i have to tell you i just pull back pull back pull back and then one day it's like she's not around anymore yeah how do you not let that feeling fester or build up then oh sure i let it fester and build up but i do it in the privacy of my own home and then you just let it go yeah i'll go work out i'll go run i'll complain to my husband or [ __ ] to my brother like i'll do that i let it i let it come out of me like you can't this is the thing you have to experience things we don't want to suppress stuff because you suppress it it's going to manifest itself in other ways so you are allowed to do whatever it is you need to do to move through it so i do that like i have moments where i'm like heated and angry i'm not like kumbaya all the time like you know no like i'll go through it i may spend a week in rage but then i know like don't have too much contact with people like if it's that deep of a thing but i've developed over time again resiliency and habit it's just habit repetition you bounce back you bounce back you also like and i say this in the book don't be surprised everybody at the end of the day is looking out for their self-interests they really are not because they're bad people they just are and if somehow you get in the way of that you might get either pushed to the side or bulldozed completely and so you have to understand that so when you see from that perspective you you it gives it a little bit of logic i mean you understand the pain of it but you shouldn't be surprised you shouldn't be like i can't believe it it's like i get it you can say that to a point but then you know what let's move on because then you get into that victim mentality and that's a really dangerous place to live i know a lot of people who live there who have experienced a lot of people who live there i've kind of like tippy-toed into that place myself like when i was much younger and i'm like i'm not living in this space i'm not going to be a victim you know i don't like that word and so i just for me again for me the language i use in my mind is so powerful like i'm really thoughtful like of what i consume what language i use to define myself that was so freaking amazing as you know i could talk to you forever and guys guys go check out becoming bulletproof it's freaking awesome everything she just spoke about she goes deep deep deep into where can people find you online girl evie palm purists common spelling common greek spelling e v y p o u m p o u r e s there it is on instagram all over the place and get her book on amazon is that right amazon anywhere books are sold all right guys if you like this episode be sure to subscribe if you're not following me follow me at lisa biliu and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out [Music] what up guys thanks so much for watching this video if you'd like another dose of bad or arsery make sure you watch this video right here or this one right here because i know you'll like them but hey also while you're here guys you might as well click that subscribe button down there so you don't miss any future episodes and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out

Channel: Women of Impact

Views: 1,215,074

Rating: 4.9149346 out of 5

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Evy Poumpouras, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, WOI, Becoming Bulletproof, handling disrespect, defending yourself, having self control, self control, be in control, trusting others, understanding trust, own your response, own how you respond, walk away from others, jealousy, handling jealousy, size doesn’t matter, starts with trust, persona red flags

Id: FmMTb2lF7jM

Length: 39min 34sec (2374 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 14 2020

Reddit Comments

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[u/circescircus]

It's true. Being 'nice', a people a pleaser, being naive, ignoring self-preservation instinct, not expecting reciprocity from adults, making excuses for people etc-- will put you in a cycle where everyone in your life treats you like ass. Not just men, but everyone.

[u/empresselevation]

Idk why the body of my post didn't show but this woman is a freaking BADA$$ and I would highly recommend watching her first video with Lisa Bilyeu titled "Human Lie Detector" as well.

[u/throwthisawayred3]

sigh

problem is, (minority) women have to tolerate SO SO much more, so it's a CONSTANT battle having to extricate ourselves out of bad situations and encounters, by either fight or flight. so sometimes i just stay, cuz i'm so fucking tired of having to resist.

[u/Missybanana]

Thanks for posting this. This lady is a queen! The part about conditional trust was huge for me. You can't give these men unconditional trust.