If A Man Is TRULY SERIOUS About You, He Will DO THIS! | Matthew Hussey

so when a guy on a date says i'm not looking for anything serious you can trust that he's either a definitely not looking for something serious or he thinks that there's a very good chance that he's going to end up hurting you [Music] is he not calling me back because he's busy or because he's just not interested when he says i'll see you soon does that mean tomorrow or just when he gets around to it if ever what about when he said he loved being with me and then disappears for days on end let's face it mixed signals constant questioning and second guessing can seriously be draining and bloody exhausting and that repetitive negative doubt certainly isn't good for your own mind and self-esteem let alone a lasting relationship and so today guys i wanted to do a different kind of show i want to bring on a male relationship expert to help us understand each other better to give a perspective that my own estrogen eyes may not otherwise be able to see it can allow us to understand our partners or the people we are dating which then in turn gives us the skills and ability to navigate situations and make romantic decisions with our eyes wide open the more understanding we have the more ability we have to act as we choose and so i am beyond excited to introduce to you today's guest the new times best-selling author relationship colonist with cosmopolitan magazine and creator of the number one relationship advice youtube channel with over 2.1 million subscribers and over 300 371 million channel views saying he's changing millions of women's lives and relationship is certainly putting it mildly so guys get ready because this man is about to drop knowledge love bombs the heart doctor himself cupid with a british accent the lovely matthew hussey welcome to the show we did it we got together we did i'm so excited to have you on um there's so many things i could talk to you about but i've got it it was like the first thing that i was the most interested in it's just not that complicated yes here's the great simplifier in any relationship or dating interaction is am i seeing someone actually invest some of my most popular videos are about decoding male language and that's great and it can be a lot of fun but also you have to step back and be like there's only one language that really matters which is am i actually feeling someone trying you know i was reading books that were designed for women that were saying if he doesn't come over he's just like he's not interested don't bother it's not going anywhere and i as a boy who had grown up very shy and afraid of the woman that i really wanted to talk to i was like this isn't true like it's exactly the woman i want to talk to that i'm not talking to so the idea that if i haven't already come over to you don't bother because i'm not interested i was like this is literally the opposite is true so my feeling at that time was if i can just get women to be proactive in an area that culturally they've been taught to hang back in you know look great and wait until the right person comes along and says hi to you if i can just get them to be more proactive then they'll have more choice maybe one of the reasons that women are settling for the wrong person is because of a lack of choice that if they had more options more quality options they wouldn't be like well i gotta sell for this guy all right like he's not treating me right he's disrespecting me he's he's not everything i want but what else is there i thought if i can get them to a place where there's tons of options now they'll make better decisions now i was half right oh go on because when i started it more choice was an exhilarating thing for a lot of people you know i would have this idea that one of the metaphors that kind of started this whole thing for me was the idea of the handkerchief i would say to women look i'm not trying to make you into the pursuer but i do want to make sure that you have the power to meet anyone you want any time you want without having to wait and women will say i don't want to make the first move i'm old-fashioned and i'd say well that's i need to to make sure you know what old-fashioned was because old-fashioned was a woman 100 years ago walking past a guy dropping her handkerchief and then continuing on he would see the handkerchief he'd think this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man he'd pick it up he'd walk over to her and he'd say madam you dropped this and she'd say did i they now have a conversation that he thought was his idea he thought he was the one who started it it wasn't she chose him so what i would teach women at that stage was how to drop the handkerchief right he'll still feel like he's making the move but you're the one who did the choosing now where i was half wrong is what i didn't realize is that there are certain ways that we're weighing up someone's value wrongly and certain insecurities in us that make us value the wrong kind of attention so the drop the handkerchief all of a sudden guys are picking it up they're coming over but and i say metaphorically dropping handkerchief i had ways that weren't about carrying around a hanky all day but i they were guys were picking it up and then they'd be so excited about that attention that they forgot to qualify whether it was the right kind of attention and so what i started to realize is ah attention does not mean intention we can get lots of attention from someone who has no intention of taking it anywhere further of having a meaningful connection with us of having a relationship with us so i started to now okay now i got new mission it's not just to help women create attention it's create the right kind of attention and to distinguish right between what's attention and what's real intention and then beyond that where does intention become true investment because intention is is great too but if someone can't deliver someone say i i i'm intending to treat you great i'm intending to do right by you but they did everything wrong by you they strung you along they cheated they did now it's someone who has intention but can't deliver on those promises so often when we're in the right place of trying to measure intention what are his intentions what does he mean by that what is that piece of what does that text message mean we forget to just ask ourselves the simple question which is is this intention demonstrated in real investment is it demonstrated in real actions and i'm all about looking at who in your life is giving you consistent investment who in your life is consistently showing up and i always say don't invest in someone based on how much you like them invest in them based on how much they invest in you oh where do you even start them because if if you're saying like let's say lisa's saying i will invest in you if you invest in me but then now doesn't it become kind of like one of those um what they like in the westerns like who draws first and then it feels like somewhat of a well i'm not going to do it until he does it or to the other person does it and now like how do i know that they're not thinking the same thing about me that's a great question a simple phrase invest then test we're never getting anywhere in life unless we put ourselves on the line to some extent right you have you have to have some skin in the game yeah and you have to be brave enough to know that i'm gonna have some skin in the game but if it doesn't work out i'm strong enough and this is where building your internal sense of security and confidence comes in if it doesn't work out i'm gonna be okay i can go out and get rejected and still be okay i don't lose my sense of self it stings most people you know we there's tons of people online influencers and self-development gurus who talk about you know never caring about rejection but the truth is we all do yeah right like it's things but what happens is you don't stop caring about rejection you just care about something else more so if i put out a video this weekend and i get rejected you know if and the rejection for me comes in the form of people finding a hole in my idea that i didn't think about until they saw it and then i go they're right about that i don't you know i'm not as clever as i thought this week and that you know that can that can be a sting if i feel it but it doesn't ever stop me making my weekly video because what i get from that what i get from sharing with the world the enjoyment i get from putting out my ideas and and being the kind of person that keeps expressing myself regardless of what shots get taken at me is just bigger i want that more than i want to not get rejected this week in a video and that's true that has to be true in dating too because how can i come out of this relationship and then go and put my subject myself to this again how can i come out of a divorce and subject myself to this again i got cheated on last time how to we're gonna have wounds we're gonna have scars but it's what do you want more than to not be cheated on again well you wanna live a life where you still actualize where the beautiful part of you the sexual part of you the loving part of you doesn't now become numb and go under utilized or undernourished simply because of someone in your past that i'm not going to allow that person to control the rest of my life now even if it happens again i got through it like it didn't kill me that time so if it happens again it won't kill me the next time either so you're absolutely right you can't sit back i've been on dates before this is crazy i've been on dates where at the end of the date i could be sitting with a friend and go i have no idea if she likes me i don't know i didn't there was no moment in that date where this person telegraphed that they found me attractive that they were excited to see me again that they were having a great time like i never at no point and then you know a day later i really would love to see you again i'm like what i don't know so at some point it serves us to to make clear like i like you right that's communicating i like you i find you very attractive i'd love to have coffee with you sometime you looked really hot in that shirt you know like those things are communicating so invest then test means yeah give a little bit give someone a compliment don't sit there in the coffee shop like you know seeing that hot person over there that person you want to speak to and don't do anything for two hours and then leave and say well if they really liked me they would have come over no it's hard it's really difficult for anyone to come over make a move risk rejection they're now stuck in this coffee shop with the person that rejected them they've got to leave i don't want to stay here anymore you just rejected me i can't sit here and drink my cappuccino now like it's it's very difficult people underestimate they completely get how hard it is to take a risk when it's themselves but when it's other people they're like well he didn't come over like for every lady out there like for a guy to come over to you and get rejected feels for a lot of men like dying like it's like they would rather anything else happen to them they'd rather lose money today than walk over and get rejected by a woman so it's those little moments where you get to to give a little bit that you then measure okay did i have i communicated would this person know i like them would this person know that i'm open to doing something with them to going out for a date to going for a coffee whatever now that they know that let's see if they meet i move a little bit let's see if they move a little bit and so on that's how it has to be but what you don't do is move a little bit they keep standing there then you move and move and move and move that's the part where communicating becomes chasing yeah and this is where it gets really like it's complicated but it's not complicated and that's really what i wanted to talk about is that the phrase he's just not that into you when that phrase came out me and my husband had this big massive debate about that phrase because he was like yes like if you're wondering why he's not making a move he's just not that into you it's as simple as and what i came back is like but sometimes you say it's as simple as and other times it's not because you're giving me signals you're telling me you want to be with me sometimes you are but then you disappear again and so it seems like it's very messy it's very intertwined with messaging and signals on both sides i'm not actually saying just for men it's also the women i'm sure um so how do we know when something isn't that complicated and it is exactly how they say and other times it's actually way more complicated and there's this whole underlying message that maybe we're trying to read into or want to read into how do we decipher those things life can be complicated and sometimes people will come up with all sorts of logical reasons why they can't invest right now why they need to take a break why they you know whatever logistical difficulties there are in the two of you being together you're far apart you that person runs their own business and they haven't got much time whatever it may be they may be giving you logically sound reasons as to why it's they're not able to give you what you want or why they would be doing this but and then what happens is people get entangled in all of that logic and i think the way to simplify that and make it uncomplicated is simply to say whether or not this logic is true is not for me to figure out so many women take on the problem you tell me it can't work out because of these reasons and i see a problem to solve so they'll go so you're saying that we can't be together because of because you're really busy with work well listen i could do this and you could do that and we could find time on weekends we could like they start trying to solve the problem and part of that is because they created an expectation in their mind for what this could be right we have a story story is very dangerous right because instead of watching in a relationship or dating scenario instead of watching a story unfold we've created the story before it's happened people do this before they even get on a first date right they you you see some someone asks you out you start talking to someone and then you look them up on instagram and oh wow oh they're really cool oh they're impressive oh they seem nice too oh they have family and they're close to those people and like they have a good life and wow this is exactly the kind of person i want i think you me and this person could really have some you haven't even been on a date with them yet right so now what happens is our mind takes the five percent of what we know and uses it to build a story for the next 95 percent so now how do you how do we get so damaged so hurt so heartbroken so quickly that's something that we're like sometimes i think we shock ourselves am i an insane person i've been on one date with this person and i feel like i'm experiencing a mini heartbreak because they didn't get back to me what's happening here that what's happening is we created a story that hasn't been earned yet why do we do that though because we want it on one hand we want it we want it to happen we're a biased judge of the situation we can't be trusted right we we want it to happen so we're trying to find any evidence for that story that we're looking to create i want to find the love of my life i want to see someone as perfect i want to so we're looking for evidence of that so we start filling in the gaps and our brains it's not like we do this consciously but our brains make so many calculations and we do it in the other direction too we do it you know if if we've got insecurities and someone goes out one night and they don't text us for an hour or two who are they talking to they talk they're at that party you know and i knew they were going to go to that party but now that they've not texted me for a couple of hours they're talking to someone attractive i wonder if they're flying maybe that i think they're flowing two and a half hours they still haven't texted me what the hell now we start building up a a story right and we create this reaction i heard a beautiful thing the other day which is if it's if the reaction is hysterical then it's historical right then then it comes from our trauma our wounds our history the beliefs that accumulated over time so now what we're reacting to is not the situation but our past the situation is simply the thing that aggravated our past and now we create a story about the future based on that so instead of going in with a curiosity we go in with a conclusion [Music] so i need to slow down the story that's happening this super computer is amazing but it's also extremely dangerous because it's creating a story at a rate that is unbelievable and the way that you slow down that story is that you start valuing a different thing instead of valuing potential you start valuing the work that's actually happening in real time there are i always say there's four stages of importance in any relationship or potential relationship between two people the first stage is just admiration right that's where i look at you this person is beautiful this person's intelligent this person's they've got all sorts of qualities that i really want in a person admiration now that doesn't mean there's any kind of back and forth by the way you can have that for someone you've never met someone you saw online right but you have a level of admiration that's the first stage of importance clearly not very important although even there people put a ton of importance on it i found someone i like it you found a person isn't it also good to be excited you can be excited but about the right thing you could be excited that you think someone's awesome but not about what you have together yet because you have nothing together so admiration's the first stage the second stage is connection or you could say connection connection or chemistry or both that's where we have a kind of mutual admiration there's some connection there's some chemistry there's something that's an exchange between us where we both feel something again not very important because you can feel it with a lot of people and that it's no indicator of investment right it that and this is where people get real caught up women tell me the most horrific stories about who a guy is about how little he invests about how much he's disrespectful but we have such a great connection man listen our connection like that's the thing and they want me to buy into this idea that stage two is super important but i don't because i know it's not the third stage is commitment the third stage is there's admiration there's mutual connection or chemistry and there's a yes you and i have actually said yes to each other you want to be with me yeah i want to be with you okay we're doing this now there's an actual connect commitment that's beautiful now we're into something important but there's a fourth stage and the fourth stage is compatibility beyond chemistry beyond connection beyond us both saying yes it also needs to be compatibility in the way we want to live our lives in the stage of our lives that we're in do they work you know this is why one of the reasons that relationships with big age gaps can struggle they can work but they also struggle because you've got two people often in very different stages of their lives and there's a compatibility issue there even though there's connection and chemistry and even though they're both saying yes now you have the problem of compatibility issues or you have the problem of compatibility issues because one person you know their idea of a good time is going out and drinking every night of the week and another person's idea is you know to go on hikes and to you know be healthy and to they value the morning the other person values the night so now you have a compatibility issue and there are many relationships that end not on the fact that they haven't said yes to each other but on the fact that they're not compatible and we always want to believe that you know love is all you need right we want to believe that that if we just love each other enough but actually the many many people have experienced in their lives the cold hard truth is that you need two people who also work together and so the reason i say all of this about these four stages and to give you one more kind of metaphor for this because it's important that you know when you meet someone on a date that's like that's like discovering that and you both like each other that's like discovering a great plot of land has potential but there's nothing to mourn over right now and when two people decide we're gonna start investing that's like two builders who start building a castle on that land they start building whatever their castle is you know but they start building this amazing thing this amazing investment on this land and it becomes theirs becomes ornate and unique and there are secret rooms no one else knows about and there are you know all these details that are the fabric and the colors and the textures of their relationship that makes it uniquely theirs right there's many ways to build but this one is theirs and that's what makes it special people are not valuing the castle they're valuing the connection they're not valuing stages one through four together they're valuing stage two or stage one just i've just admired this person or i just have a connection with this person and when we start valuing the castle over the connection we'll start unwinding the story that's gotten too far ahead because we'll realize that story we have on the date where our mind has gone way too far and that's by the way why we get so nervous is because the story is already happening in our mind and now we're getting nervous why am i so nervous on this date it's okay to have a little bit of nerves but why am i like now paralyzed i can't be funny i'm not charming i'm not telling any interesting stories i'm just frozen why am i that nervous because i've gone way into the future as if the castle has already been built when actually all it is is a fantasy set of blueprints right now wow that's so on point and so beautifully said um and i agree with it a hundred percent and then actually one thing i wanted to ask you is do you think that we need to maintain all of those steps throughout our relationship so always maintaining the attraction the commitment um well and the compatibility i think that there's in any relationship it's you know any time i post something that suggests that you could you should continue in your relationship working to impress your partner i get backlash yeah every time oh my god it's just why does it have to be so much work and i always think what world are you living in where things aren't work i don't know what this is i have a company i've had that company for the last 14 years i know that the day i stopped caring about it is the day that it will start losing its value now maybe i find somebody else to be the custodian of it and to take care of it and they love it as much as i do and fine but when someone stops giving it love it will begin its death it's slow decline that's true of our bodies why isn't it true of our relationships and part of people's frustration is that they are really deeply unhappy with what they're getting but they haven't found the courage to go find something else or to value themselves more so this deep-seated frustration at being in a in an untenable position where they also don't have the courage to move or the call the deep self-worth to move to go do something else so now i'm i'm every day i'm going through this slow torture i can't don't want to leave but i'm not getting what i want here i've invested too much time i've invested too much energy i've and that that's where the sunk cost right bias comes in i've spent all this time i've sweat and then they do what i call the one day wager yeah one day one day someone will become what i want them to be he says he doesn't want to commit right now he says he doesn't want kids he says but one day you know he never has time for me it's all business he never has time but one day you have to assume that who they are today is who they'll be and you're thinking five years from now they're going to be a completely different person and that's the thing you're you're banking on for your happiness that's the one day wager good i love that so much i want to ask you something because you were saying about someone you know people saying i don't want to commit or i'm not interested how do you know when something's actually true or not true because you did a video that basically was like when i got you know when you're at dinner on a first date or something the guy says to you like oh so how come you're not you know how come you're single and then you give examples of what they really mean and at the end you end it on yeah i'm not looking for a really a serious relationship and the takeaway is he actually means that right so right like even what you were saying like but one day he will one day he will how do you i'm gonna tell you you're gonna love this okay please you're gonna absolutely love this and by the way for anyone who wants to watch that video it's called what he means versus what he says and it's on my youtube channel um here's the rule if someone is telling you something that would make their life more difficult to tell you then is probably true we'll say all sorts of things in service of our pitch right what's the pitch in dating for a lot of guys what's the pitch the pitch is i would like to sleep with you [Laughter] that's what i'd like to happen i'd like for us to sleep together and if i like you enough i'd like for us to have something more or whatever but right now we're on a date i find you attractive so anything someone says that helps their pitch we don't know enough right now all we know is we don't know enough to distrust them either all we know is that just that you know i i could take at face value what you're telling me right now but that doesn't mean that after one day i make a whole bunch of decisions in my life based on this moment i i take you at your word right now but i'll also see how this unfolds and whether it goes in that direction by the way that's generally general principle for anything right but if someone is telling you something that isn't good for their pitch that means it took some effort to say that means it really took a lot of you know act what sean aker calls activation energy and the happiness advantage it takes a lot of activation energy to do that at the end of a pharmaceutical ad no pharmaceutical company wants to put all of those disclaimers you know such and such that we've just you know shown you pictures we've just shown you footage of old people skipping around a meadow able to run and jump and dance and sing again but also a reminder this may make you so depressed you'll kill yourself right no one wants to put that part in the ad if they had the choice they wouldn't put that in the ad so you know the part you can trust if nothing else i may not be able to trust everything you're saying this drug can do but what i can trust is these side effects that you're saying it might give me i know that because you didn't want to tell me that and you told me that so when a guy on a date says i'm not looking for anything serious you can trust that he's either a definitely not looking for something serious or he thinks that there's a very good chance that he's going to end up hurting you because he's done it a bunch of times in the past and he's kind of sick of being called the villain for leading people on and so now he's establishing very quickly i want to see you again and by the way that doesn't make him a bad person it makes him more honest than most but it when he says that he's saying i don't want to be the villain again and i don't want you to keep going thinking this is going to go somewhere so just so you know probably it's not when he says that you can trust it because it doesn't help him sleep with you it doesn't make it more likely you're going to sleep with him tonight when he says i probably won't call so those things when someone says something that hurts their pitch that hurts their motives that hurts their end game you can believe that part that's so strong oh my god i love that so much um give me a couple of the things that you can trust that a guy does or signals that a guy does that shows you they actually do like you well you can look how much is this person truly interested in me are they asking me are they genuinely curious about me my values what i like what i don't like what i'm into because that's a sign not only that he's taking the emphasis off of himself it's easy you any anyone who's achieved anything can sit there and talk about all of they've achieved and reel off their stories about how you know this hard time in my life and this thing and that thing that's not a bad thing but it doesn't tell you that they're genuinely curious about you and when someone has real intention in dating they are looking for a real match they're not looking for you to be impr they want you to be impressed of course i gotta secure the deal i gotta land the account but is it the right account yeah do i actually want this person is this the right person for a relationship when someone is being intentional about dating they are asking intentional questions about who you are and what you're all about because they're trying to figure out is it i'm trying to use my time wisely right now is this someone i want to invest more in so that's one of the things to look for if you're looking for someone intentional right um and and again look for those moments where someone actually invests are they willing to come to my part of town or is it always about coming to is it always the thing with the lowest activation energy for them are they making any kind of a sacrifice is the is the effort equal when i look at our text message chains you know are they are they actually equal or is it or am i in the blue it's like big chunks of blue and then a little line of gray where they gave me a quick response you have to look at these things because these are the things that tell you you know oh there's there's a genuine back and forth of investment yeah oh god i so wish i would have found you at when i was 16 because i was definitely that person that would go on a date and it's like oh he said he liked me he said he was going to call me back so i would just take them for for their word and i love you did a post where you laid out like look if they want to go to the movies after sex it means they're interested if they call you when they've had a shitty day and they call you to tell you about their day but also reading into okay going back to even what you said right at the beginning does their actions align with their words and as you say it's not it's not about like we have this we have this real idea of like heroes and villains that we need to let go of that it's not it's not about that it's just there are some really terrible guys out there there are but a lot of people they're not their intentions aren't bad they're just different from yours and one of the mistakes i see people make a lot like i don't think men have a reputation for being liars i think most some men are pathological liars and a lot of men aren't liars they're just great avoiders they they don't bring up the thing that's unhelpful to bring up they don't bring up the thing that's inconvenient or that would be painful to have a conversation about and the reason i make that distinction is because a liar you'll ask them a question and they'll tell you a lie an avoider will avoid the conversation but when you ask the question you'll often get truth and so people have to be brave enough and and this is for anyone but if we're talking about women women have to be brave enough to ask questions that they're afraid of the answers to but your fear of the answer is gonna put you in the way of so much more pain than the pain of the answer you're afraid of because now you have a woman who's a year in two years in three years in and continuing with this situation that is meeting some needs but not nearly enough to feed her soul to make her happy to to nourish her and she's now not asking the question anymore because it becomes higher and higher stakes it gets more and more scary to ask because the answer might now show me the last three years of my life were energy misdirected towards a person who shouldn't have had that energy and he's not having the conversation because i mean it's easier for him not to right and he can claim ignorance because she's not asking me and i don't you know i'm not i'm not doing anything technically wrong i'm i don't see us as long term i don't see us as ever having a family i don't see us as ever moving in together i don't see this as the great relationship of my life but she's not asking so let's just keep enjoying ourselves right so you you now have this complicit kind of toxic situation between two people and it may not be toxic in the sense that they're butting heads or that they're having a bad time they could be having the best time ever and that's the problem they're having the greatest time and that's fine you can just have a great time but when you know that you're telling yourself you're having a great time but there is deep insecurity in you because ultimately you have no idea if this is re if you two are actually on the same path here now you begin conning yourself and now that great time that you have and that connection that you have the stage two that becomes the great kind of the blanket we put over everything to hide what's underneath which is that you and i have very different ideas about where this is going i want a family and you don't i know i want to marry you and you are seeing this as just something nice for this point in your life we have to have the courage to ask those difficult questions to say to someone and it doesn't have to be aggressive it could be very loving can be extremely compassionate extremely kind how do you see this you know i really like you or you know i love you you know i'm in love with you and that makes me excited about what we could have but not if we're not on the same page where you know where do you stand with it or if it's earlier in dating and you're trying to figure out you know you don't even know if you're exclusive or not hey i really like you and i want to give my attention to you i have other people asking me out and right now i don't really know what to tell them and i don't mean to make things heavy but i just want to know if like you feel the same way because right now i'm in a mode where i just want to give my attention to you and i i would rather say to people no i'm seeing somebody how do you feel about it it's a loving compassionate way to bring it up it's also there's a little there's some there's some stuff going on there too because even though it's honest right there will be other people asking you out and you don't know what to tell them yeah but you're also introducing an element of like i you know i'm not going to be around forever why um so that is and i i always say to people be kind in your tone but ruthless in your actions be kind in your tone but ruthless in your actions kind in your tone is i'm going to be loving and compassionate i'm not going to compromise how great i am and the beautiful energy that i have by having like a diff like an angry conversation with you about this i'm gonna be super kind and loving and i care about you too so i'm gonna i want the best for you too but i know that i'm gonna be if you tell me that we're not on the same page then i'm gonna be ruthless in my response to that not in my tone but in my response which is to find a path that's better for me and to not indulge something that is making me unhappy or not worthy of my time yeah actually to me i realized in my relationship it's worse for me to wonder than to ask and actually get the truth and the reason being is that at least even if the truth stings more i can do something about it or choose to not do something about it but at least i know the wondering to me is there's no end in sight there is no release valve so i'm such an advocate for asking the hard questions so much to the point that me and my husband wrote i think it's a list of like 20 questions and this order of ease so towards the bottom it gets very hard to ask each other the questions and if anyone's watching one they can click on the link below or put the link in and but like the second to last question maybe the last question is what did you want in a partner that i don't have and another question is what did i because me and my husband have been together for a long time such a brave question and then the other question because we've been together for a long time it was what was i did i used to do for you but don't do for you now that you wish i did wow what a powerful question you have to go in with just emotionally sober that's an amazing question i love that question that's an amazing question and we answered it honestly and his answer was i used to take care of him i was a housewife for eight years and you know before i was in business and i used to put his clothes out for him every day and i used to make him food every day and he was like yeah i really loved that he said i understand why you don't do it so he's not saying you should do this now but he's like you've asked me the honest question what do i wish i still had it was that you would take care of me like you used to and so it didn't mean i had to act on it instead of pushing back making him feel badly about it or feeling badly about it i recognize it's a choice i've made so i've made to not i've made the choice to not do that i've made the choice to be a bit into business but actually if that's something that's really important to him is there a wiggle room for me is there something that i'm just not seeing here so now what i do is every weekend i cook him his favorite meals that's lovely wow and so now i've heard the answer i'm not gonna do it like i didn't go oh okay well in that case baby i'm gonna quit everything and just go back to what i used to be but i heard him but it gives you you know without returning to that lifestyle and that dynamic it also does give you a tool it gives you a superpower yes because knowing that that has a profound effect when it's done is like now you could turn on that superpower any time if you wanted to on your terms you but it's to know what someone's buttons are to know what our partners like those attraction switches are or to know what those love switches are is really really powerful yeah and the answer is the hard question the the uncomfortable conversation lasts an hour yeah maybe five minutes the knowledge the answer you have for the rest of your relationship yeah and i like even approaching conversations with the word look this is actually really uncomfortable for me to say art or whatever um but so bear with me for a second like i kind of do do these caveats so that because i just put myself in that person's shoes if they were approaching me like that you would have empathy and openness to listen to what they have to say even if what they say is hard to hear and the humility of saying is there anything from your perspective that you want me to work on or is there anything that i'm not you know here's the thing i need to bring up with you but i also want to know if there's anything like if there's a way that i'm not showing up in the way that you would like i want to hear that too and that's a hard thing it's very easy for us to go and say something we don't like but to also invite them to the table to have an equal say about what they don't like that's the hard part and i think when we do that we're showing we're not coming from a place of uh of a pedestal where you're doing everything wrong but it's actually we're a team and also you know my my father steve he does on my retreat program he does an entire module on confrontation and one of the really valuable lessons he talks about in that is this idea that what gives you the the money in the bank to go and have a difficult conversation with someone is what you've been doing in the weeks leading up to it or the months leading up to it that if i speak to one of my staff and i say dan what you did yesterday really really pissed me off i'm so unhappy with it and i'm happy with unhappy with it for these reasons if dan has learned many times over that my intention is good with him that i take care of him that i go out of my way to praise him that i go out of my way to uh help him then when i have that conversation he knows it's not coming from a place of trying to wound him or say something it's coming from a good place especially if afterwards i say we've had the conversation it's done let's move on that also what i'm doing there is i'm setting up a productive conversation the next time there's something like that because i'm showing you that when we have one of these things it's contained to this thing and when it's done it's done when it's dealt with it's dealt with and you can expect that the next time i bring up something that i don't like but someone understanding your intention and your kindness from what you do generally with them that's what gives you the permission to go in with some with firmness in that moment when you need to say something you don't like you have the credits in the bank because of who you are the rest of the time i love that earning a reputation right over time your reputation will be what it is and so if someone has if multiple people are saying your reputation is you're really open and you're really honest and it's like okay the next time i say something if it really hurts or stings then just know that my reputation is that i'm open and honest and kind and so i do that with tom 100 like if he said something to me that i feel is disrespectful or hurtful or like oh my god i can't believe he said that i just go to okay i've been with a man 20 years what do i know about him he loves me more than life itself he's proven it time and time and time and time again so why right now with that one thing that he said does that eliminate 20 freaking years of him proving yep that he actually cares about me and that he means good and who he's been right with you the whole time is what gives him the credits in the bank yes that's what when you hear that conversation you're able to weigh that up against the pain of that conversation and this wins yeah oh my god i could literally talk to you forever i love your message i love what you're doing towards women i think that knowledge is power i keep saying it so i love that you give incredible tactical advice where can people find you and just all the amazing stuff that you're doing so um one thing i think that will people find really useful is especially in these times i know a lot of people want to meet somebody they want more success in their love lives i have a little free guide that people can download and it gives them three habits that make their love life more successful that are gonna hasten the point at which they'll meet someone special so that's at threelovehabits.com and other than that come follow me on instagram i'm at the matthew hussey and you know we we have a bunch of programs and we have a retreat that we do twice a year and all these things people can do but we have this amazing online community and i do free videos every week so even if people never buy one of my programs just come and watch the free videos whether it's on youtube or instagram or facebook that's awesome guys guys i've had so much freaking fun with him you can guarantee i'm going to make sure that he sits on that chair again to give us such fire advice if you're not following me follow me lisa biliu and if you're not subscribed guys and this episode did bring you value click that subscribe button down there and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out [Music] what up guys thanks so much for watching this video if you'd like another dose of bad or arsery make sure you watch this video right here or this one right here because i know you'll like them but hey also while you're here guys you might as well click that subscribe button down there so you don't miss any future episodes and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 1,540,429

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Matthew Hussey, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, WOI, dating, dating advice, love, love advice, relationship advice, marriage advice, get the guy, it’s not that complicated, intentions when dating, investing in a relationship, don’t complicate dating, building a story in your head, four stages of dating, four stages in a relationship, what guys actually mean

Id: pse1IbIc7vM

Length: 48min 56sec (2936 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 28 2020