Therapist Reveals How to Stop Others From Manipulating You | Nedra Glover Tawwab on Women of Impact

what up guys i hope you enjoyed this episode brought to you by our sponsors thrive get 10 off when you go to trythrive.com women of impact with coupon code impact now enjoy the episode and so once you start to recognize the tactics that people will use to silence you you can stand up for yourself better now i don't know about you guys but i grew up feeling like i was pushed around a lot disrespected walked over taken advantage of whether it was by friends boyfriends families teachers or even bosses and often many of us stay quiet whether it's because we're people pleasers and don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers or we don't actually have the confidence to be honest in case of backlash or we don't even think we have a choice so what happens is we stay in silent desperation or maybe you become passive aggressive or maybe you just become aggressive because really that's the only way to be heard but guys the truth is no matter what is holding you back speaking up having the confidence to lay out what your lines are what your non-negotiables are what your boundaries are is the most important thing you can actually do for a relationship any relationship and so lucky for us today's women of impact a licensed therapist and sought-after relationship expert for over 13 years is here to show us how speaking up and saying what you need is not creating conflict in the relationship but rather giving it the exact medicine it needs to be healthy so guys please help me in welcoming the woman featured everywhere from the new york times essence forbes psychology today and vice as well as author of the upcoming book set boundaries find peace the boundary builder herself the empowering nedra glover to wob wow i want you to do my intro everywhere oh my god what your work and what you practice is exactly what i wish i had when i was younger so where i really want to start though is when you say like the key the two pillars of a successful relationship a healthy relationship whether it's with a partner whether it's with a friend a sibling a parent is boundaries and communication and so where i'd love to start is talk to me about how we even acknowledge where we need those boundaries in the first place because i actually have a quote from you which i just i literally laughed out loud we may not even know what we need but we know what we don't like and i was like oh that's so powerful take me a little deeper into that how we can use that as our first stepping stone to acknowledging where we need a boundary when we find ourselves ruminating talking about those things that are troubling and problematic that is an indicator that we are having an issue with something oftentimes we'll just ignore it like ah this person gets on my nerves but why why do they get on your nerves what's going on in this relationship that's causing you to have this response when you talk to this person when you see the text message from this person when you interact with them could it be that there is a boundary that could be set that would repair enhance or save the relationships lots of times it's a yes and instead of advocating for what we need what we want or what we want less of um we kind of deal with it and it's very frustrating to be in a situation where you don't feel like this person gets it or they're doing this thing that you really don't like i think the number one way to know when you need a boundary is your feelings how do you feel when something happens when you say yes do you later feel like i'm always saying yes to them or do you feel resentful do you feel taken advantage of do you feel angry upset sad those are indicators that perhaps there is a boundary that is needed for you to um feel really good in those relationships with people that's fantastic so what happens then if somebody comes to you and you start feeling these emotions right and you're like ned you told me okay this is where i need to set a boundary because i'm really feeling it and you go to set a boundary and the person opposite either says you're being too sensitive or you know um they almost put it on you like this is a you problem how do you how would you deal with that because i think that that's where it shuts a lot of people down where they start to feel badly about themselves it starts to become you know detrimental to their self-esteem they don't want to have that conflict with that person and so you end up staying quiet how do you progress we have to learn how to recognize when we're being manipulated when we're being taken advantage of lots of times people will use those tactics as a way to shut you up right because they want to do something that you don't want them to do and so they're saying this stuff as a way to say to you be quiet here's my bout they're giving you their boundary don't talk to me about this stuff and so once you start to recognize the tactics that people will use to silence you you can stand up for yourself better i was just talking to a friend about a situation i had where someone was doing something really mean and they would gas like me and they would say well i did it because you did this thing and you know at the time i was really young and and i never thought it was my fault i would think huh there's really something wrong with this person so like this thing is clearly not my fault um at that time i wasn't in a position to get out of it right but as i've gotten older i am very clear on when i'm being manipulated when i'm being taken advantage of i'm clear of the wording you know that people will use like you're being too sensitive you're taking this too far you're in your feelings it's not that big of a deal when i hear those things i think it is that big of a deal i'm talking about it anything i talk about is a big deal so i feel something and you're being dismissive so the more you increase your language around what's happening in the situation the better you will be at recognizing when someone is trying to set boundaries over your boundaries they're really trying to say hey i don't want you to talk to me about this thing and this is how i'm going to get you to stop what do you mean increase your language can you give me an example developing your vocabulary so knowing what it sounds like when someone is taking advantage of you by using certain phrases um i would do it for you if you ask me or um it seems like you have enough time to do it why don't you you can't do it on saturday you know when they're trying to do these things that you're like wow like i feel really bad again for not doing it and although we don't like to take certain things as a complete statement like no um that doesn't work for me this is not a good time we'd really like to challenge that with people it's not okay it's not okay for us to do it to people and it's not okay for that to be done to us so true so now i want to ask what happens then if both of your boundaries now come into conflict and i want to give a great example i heard you say in an interview that you have a boundary where it's the last person to get out of bed has to make it and i love that so much and i was like the it was the perfect example because my husband and i used to argue about bloody making the bed and i grew up making the bed that was the first thing you did and he grew up in a world where his parents didn't care if he made the bed or not so for him it actually is against his value system because he thinks of it as a waste of time so now i think of it as this is my sanctuary this is my piece this is my place of you know calm and his boundary is valuable but it's completely against mine so a take me through did you find that with your partner um and then b what would you do in situations like that where both boundaries are valid yeah it does sound like both boundaries are valid but i would ask especially in a marriage um do you want to be right or do you want to have a happy relationship and there are some things where yeah maybe i don't like to make the bed but if this is pleasing to my partner can i do it as a show of i love you perhaps my love language is you making the bed that is an act of service to me um so i need you to make the bed so perhaps positioning it in a different way because sometimes people don't like the word boundary right so positioning it in a different way like i really feel cared for when you make the bed because this is my sanctuary and my place of peace and so it's really important to me to get into the bed and it's all nice and every all the all the 100 pillows are there and then we knock them on the floor um it just feels like a peaceful experience and it would be really be helpful if you supported me in doing this thing you know a few times a week or daily whatever sort of rotation you want to do but sometimes it's not about we're both right whose side do we choose but we we're we love each other and this is not a boundary that's like life-changing right this isn't a boundary that will end a relationship but it's certainly an irritant right so do you do you want to get along or do you really want to stand on principle here yeah god so where is the line between you actually need to stay firm on this and if someone doesn't reciprocate then it's a sign of disrespect first is you know what okay you've set the boundary but you've heard the other person out and now you start to negotiate your boundary where is that fine line yeah so here's a and i talk about it's a whole chapter on on this boundaries with yourself because we can only ask people for so much right and once they repeatedly show that they will not honor the boundary that's where you have to say this is my boundary with this person around this thing so if it is making the bed you know maybe my boundary is you know i will make my side if you want to do that or you know i will make the bed or you know hey i will make the bed but i need assistance in this other area like there needs to be some other things that that you can do you can't make a person respect your boundary you can only make a request so you can say this is what i need i would really like but you can't change another person's behavior and the best boundaries are the boundaries that we set with ourselves with other people because it's very hard to get people to do what you want them to do in all instances if you say you know hey we're going to a party don't get too drunk you can't make that person not have seven drinks you can say hey after after i see you have two drinks i'm leaving you can't make them manage their alcohol intake it is their alcohol intake you can have boundaries around how much you will assist them when they get drunk um how much you're willing to watch it how much you're willing to like you can have a lot of boundaries in a situation that you can't control god i love that so much because that was part of one of the questions that i had is that a lot of people think that is certain things aren't optional right like well i can't say that to them well i can't not do this well it's my mom i can't not speak to her um and the truth is everything is a choice and i've heard you say that of you are choosing to engage in that relationship um how do we start to take ownership over that to empower ourselves um go into the chapter that you just said about boundaries with ourselves how do we actually do that so one of the biggest challenges is our programming we are taught to almost not have boundaries right it's like um you know i see it all the time with with kids i have i have two and when my daughter my oldest daughter was really young there was someone who said to her hey give me a hug and and i haven't seen you in a while and she was like two or three and she was like i don't want to she's like i don't want to and the person kept trying i was like well you know she doesn't have to and i kind of picked her up and moved her away but i i've seen that play out where people are like no give that person a hug you know do this thing that someone is requesting um you don't know when you're full keep eating eat everything on your plate so there are things that adults may do you know smile be happy you have to wear you know like all of these things that really take us away from the ability to be assertive i think we do have boundaries but they've gone um unheard for so long that we start to think they're no longer important and so it's not that oh my gosh i don't have any boundaries we typically do it's about how how do we express those things that are inside we don't express them because oftentimes we've been programmed not to have any boundaries it's not okay it's me you can't tell people that you don't want to come to their party you know you have to like everyone you know you're gonna be really mad if you don't call her on her birthday like all of these things that are done to make you feel like you must say yes you must do this thing even if you don't want to but there is a way to say no or um i won't be able to do that in a gentle way i think it becomes aggressive when we are yelling we are pushing people we're using you know old situations and examples and you know we're name calling we're starting our argument that's when it becomes aggressive and that typically happens when we feel like we've just been taking advantage of for so long that we just get to this point where it's like why are you always asking me to do stuff and you know it comes out as this yelling fest instead of saying no and no should be used consistently right and when people keep asking you things how do we have the conversation around i see that you're not understanding that it's a no for me and so what i would like is for you to stop asking me about this thing yeah what happens then when people still keep asking um does that come to sometimes you just have to cut people out of your life is that sometimes you just have to accept them how they are and they're going to continuously cross those boundaries and you have to deal with it and suck it up and be okay with it like what's the because i think of different scenarios right it's like there are certain people parents are harder siblings are harder to push back on um love you know partnerships husbands boyfriends you know wives whatever um that seems a lot harder and so i think a lot of people go to just then shutting down versus actually still working through it still pushing through it and to find a conclusion because if you're in a let's say a marriage or a relationship where they have the boundary and they just keep pushing back if you accept it i can't see a world where that relationship lasts or am i just being naive you know you presented a few options can you just suck it up can you you know re reestablish the boundary do you just say that's how that person is do you cut them off any of those can be true and it's all based on your comfort level some people just won't cut people off that are unhealthy for them and i don't want you to i don't want you to do anything that is going to uh be uncomfortable and difficult and maybe harm your life and doing even you know like sometimes people just don't feel like they can do that and that's not anything that i would put you have to you don't have to i mean it might be healthy for you but you don't have to do it until you're ready to do it because my readiness may be different from your readiness i may choose not to be in a certain type of relationship with the person but your tolerance of nonsense may be higher than mine i can't determine that i can't determine that i think the challenge is having a one-set rule about cutting people off i do think we have to do what is best for us and what feels the most comfortable there are situations where it may not be to your advantage to to have a relationship with a parent but if you can't envision not having a relationship with a parent i don't know if it's healthy for me to tell you you gotta cut them off this is your life and you get to choose all of this is a choice that's why i say all of those things could be true because they are all choices and you have to figure out which choice you can live with i will say that when i hear the word how do i deal with blank i often think about dealing with anything is a choice so if you ever struggle with how do i deal with my mother you don't have to dealing with anything is a choice so you can choose not to or you can you can choose to continue dealing with it um and some things are just intolerable and so cutting people off could be helpful also placing boundaries on ourself again you know there are some people who may chronically complain about the same thing and you are emotionally drained by experiencing this guess what you don't have to talk to that person every day you don't have to talk to that person for two hours when you do talk to them you can determine what works best for your energy you can say you know i do like talking to this person i do want this person in my life you know maybe i'll talk to them once a month for five minutes maybe that works that could be your own boundary with this person so you figure out what works for you instead of looking at what everybody you know what everybody says like cut them off do this you may not be able to do that in some situations but you might be able to put some boundaries around how you interact with the person girl that's so strong and like i just want to put you on loop and repeat saying it's a choice it's a choice it's a choice and putting like a beat to it because it's like it's so strong and that's i think it seems so simple but when i say that was what held me back for so long because i didn't think i had a choice i was born taught a certain belief system about certain things you don't cut your family out you don't tell you know your dad that you can't have this conversation it's like as a good greek girl you sit down and you are quiet you know and so it's so empowering to tell people you have a choice whether it's a partner or a friend or you know a boss like you do have a choice and that choice is yours you may not like the outcome you may not like the backlash that comes from it but to allow people to really believe it that it's a choice i think is um is so fundamental to everything that we're talking about here because if you don't think you have a choice then you're not going to even start to make the change in the first place to have the re the healthy relationship that you were saying people can have yeah yeah the the the piece about having a choice is so important because we often feel disempowered like these systems that we we grew up in these systems and cultures that are part of our lives absolutely dictate how we view things whether that view is healthy or not and we have to unlearn those things that are no longer useful to us and we have to relearn concepts that are useful and that's that's very challenging and when you're in a cultural system it is hard to be the the one person who is saying you know i'm not gonna do this thing because it doesn't feel good to me or you know i would like to live my life in this way it it it is really hard to do that because there's not gonna be a lot of support within that group and so what we have to begin to do is maybe find new people who are supportive of the lifestyle philosophy that we're trying to create that's what i was going to ask you how do people start creating that lifestyle so things like following you on instagram let's just it's freaking amazing and they need to follow you but what other things can people do so they're listening to this interview they're like oh my god yes i need to make this change i really do need to let go of my you know maybe past beliefs or just the way i used to think and i really want to cultivate this new way of thinking what steps can they take in order to do that so you said finding people i think community is everything and i freaking love that and you know that that phrase of the five people you surround yourself with is how you think and you know turn up every day so what are the other things that maybe people can do to start cultivating that getting to know themselves better when we tap into who we really are it really shows us why we accept things and how we have allowed things to go on for so long to so getting to know yourself more journaling is a wonderful way to start to know more about yourself learning your triggers and coming up with ways to respond to those things so when you are triggered by this person who violates a boundary or by a situation that um you may see on tv what do you do how do you ground yourself in these moments of maybe not having support from other people or being taken aback by something that you see or some experience you have how do you ground yourself um and i just want to go back to community i think being vulnerable with people is a real way to build that community because so often on instagram in the comment section i see so many people experiencing the same thing and they say you know they may send me a message and say i thought i was the only one yet there are thousands there are thousands because we're not talking enough we're not sharing our experiences enough so we feel like i'm the only person with with this you know very random situation and it's like no it's like all of us all of us have the same situation and we just don't talk about it so you can't even find community if you're not being honest about your story if you're not being honest about what's going on who you are your your background that's how you find your people you draw your people to you by being vulnerable and that authenticity people are like oh my gosh that's that's my same thing and it's like yeah look we have the same thing and that's how you build connection with people and that's when you start to see wow okay so you did it like that maybe i'll try it like that and so you start to get some information about some of these things you're going through and you know i there's so many spaces you know maybe online when the world was open you know there's groups and and all sorts of things for us to be in community and those are good things because we do need to be with people who experience things like us who did not who you know we need a variety of people in our lives and so community is really really important all right guys let's talk about thrive now it's been five years since i've been struggling with gut issues and at one point it literally was freaking life-threatening i literally couldn't digest anything i was eating my hair was falling out my nails were brittle i could barely stand up literally for five minutes at a time because the cramps were just so freaking painful now in my case it obviously is extreme but trust me when i say i completely freaking understand that any type of gut issues can have a huge knock-on effect to your health from trouble focusing bloating maintaining healthy skin and healthy way and blemishes like acne and eczema like the list just goes on and the truth is it can be all consuming that's why i'm so excited to team up with five i had no idea but one in five americans are struggling with gut issues today but fear not thrive is here thrive is easy convenient and accessible which you know is important they send a gut health test straight to your front door and based on your thrive test results they will develop custom custom probiotics to help treat these problems just for you when you subscribe to thrive's program you can also save 10 on all probiotics and other products they provide you can get 10 off thrive when you go to try thrive.com women of impact with coupon code impact that's trithrive.com forward slash women of impact with coupon code impact the 10 off your order guys go check them out and remember be the hero of your own life peace out protect the gut okay i love that um and you were actually saying something you were saying about um in like the language you use with people and how you you know show up and i pulled one of your posts that i really want to go deep into because this is something that i personally struggle with which i notice a lot of people do where they're not necessarily being clear about what that boundary is or about how someone else's boundary is affecting them and this goes to the second part of communication and so i pulled a couple of things that you put sometimes the problem is and i loved this post so much and i'd love to go through a few of them where you put sometimes the problem is you allow them to vent without telling them you aren't prepared to listen i was like oh my god that's so strong so that goes back to that's actually you problem right it's you haven't told them that you're not prepared to listen how on earth do you do that um i can't talk right now i'm on my way to work i'm about to start my day this is not a good time for me um is this something we can talk about later wow i thought i was just answering the phone and it was going to be very light but this sounds like something that has a lot of detail and i actually was about to hop on a call um i think there are many ways to say i can't talk about this thing it sounds really big and this is not the best time for me to get into it because there are some people who will call and they're just like this is the problem and you're like oh my gosh i'm in line getting a sub i'm not prepared for this and it has to be okay for us to have some limits around when we're able to talk about certain topics and i think people can understand that we assume they can't that whatever they want to talk about we're their only person in the whole wide world and if we don't talk about it while we're standing in line they won't have anyone and that's typically not true because if i have a real problem i have a few people you know maybe not a ton but i'm like okay she didn't answer all right she didn't answer okay got one i found somebody got one out girl you got me all right here oh and i think it's important to to ask people if they have the capacity because sometimes people don't i want to know if you're you know in a store and you can't talk about something with me so let me know and lots of times when i ask that question i've had people say well let me give you a call back in 10 minutes when i get back to my car or let me give you a call back um this evening when i'm not you know doing stuff with the kids so they let me know when their energy will be available for me to really get into this issue because if it was a crisis i think i would have called the police so this is not it's a life crisis but it's not a crisis right and so this is something i probably could either find someone else maybe go journal about schedule a therapy session and wait for that person to give me a call back so i can process that with them yeah i love that but i also heard you in an interview which is exactly how i felt so that's why i wanted to bring out because she said a lot of people interpret setting boundaries as being mean and so when i read that post was like you allow others to ven without you saying hey right now i'm not prepared to listen my fear is that people are like yeah but i need you now you just are you're not going to be here for me um and so the fear of not being alike to the fear of not feeling like i'm in fact it's not even that the fear of not feeling like i'm there for my friend is also so um just overwhelming that even if i can't handle the emotion that's coming at me in that moment i do just suck it up and i don't know if that's actually a good thing to do um how do we overcome that thought of being a people pleaser always trying to be perfect always trying to be there for your friends or your partner or your parents when it ends up possibly being detrimental to you um because i'm really torn with that because i love my family and my friends and my partner more than you know life itself so i get torn between those things yeah you know i at the end of the day we will always have ourselves and then on top of that is everyone else so the person that i have to please the most is me it doesn't mean that what i need or what i want is more important than anyone else but i certainly believe in self-care first because i cannot care for anyone or anything before i care for myself and so with that in mind um as i am taking on you know more things i have to think about is this something i really have the capacity to do as i am listening more to people i have to think is my energy in a space to take this in as as i am offering more support i have to think can i really do this because we're not doing um anyone a favor when we are depleted and still helping them so often if i say no it's in light of everything else that i have going on things that i need to do for my family that lives in my house myself and then i'm honoring outside requests and people don't know what my calendar looks like what my energy looks like how many how much sleep i've had how much water they don't know these things so as they're coming to me um for help and and with requests um they don't have a background story and so we don't have to take it personal right and say like oh my gosh this person should know that i can well they don't know because they don't know everything that's going on with you and it's really our job to let them know that um i really can't handle this thing right now in light of the other things that i have going on um and there's no apology needed for that because we don't have to apologize for for having other things going on there may be times when you're available to them and there may be times when you are not this is you know this might be a night time how do you avoid then apologizing because you're 100 right it's like we do that a lot right we apologize for things because we want to be liked going back to people pleasing how do you avoid that bite your tongue bite your tongue until you get good at when you find yourself like just cough don't finish it don't finish the sentence because there is nothing to apologize for there's nothing to apologize for people tell us you know i'm so shocked sometimes at how hard it is for us to set boundaries and then i think about all of the boundaries that people set with me everybody has these boundaries you know and we're constantly respecting other people's boundaries our parents you know who were super afraid to set boundaries with they've had so many boundaries you know i'm happy that it's my turn i'm like remember that curfew ha ha i got a boundary for you mom you know it's like we we've had so many boundaries put on us by other people it is okay for us to have a few girl that hit me so hard like that's so true i mean it's it's so simple but it really did like the fact that we all live in boundaries but then yet we're talking about how do we set boundaries it's almost like the boundaries we are used to um one of my favorite quotes is the david foster wallace quote where it's i don't know if you've heard it but there's big fish swimming along and there's two little fish swimming by and the big fish says to the little fish what's up boys how's the water little fish keep swimming one of the fish turns around and i was like what the hell is water david foster wallace the point being when you're surrounded by something every day you don't even question it to the point where you don't even realize it's true and i liken that to the belief system where the belief system that we have growing up we don't realize is handed to us is told to us by our teachers our parents the environment the world you know the street we grew up in all these things and so it just it never dawned on me that that's boundaries that was so strong yeah they're all around us and here we are we don't want to set our own personal balance and everyone we know has these personal brown boundaries i mean i i grew up um and i had a grandmother and there was you know certain furniture in her house she couldn't touch you this is the couch you do not sit on uh this is you know this is the table you do not touch these place settings are not here for you to play little girl you know it's like this is just for decoration don't you touch that you go in the kitchen at the table that's where you eat you know so it was it was all of these things and i was just like okay yes grandma you know i wasn't like oh she has rules for me it's like no she has rules for me and what i love is i actually heard you even say it in an interview like and i never even asked my grandmother why she had the plastic on her sofa it was just like you don't ask that's the boundary and you just respect it yeah you just go with it it's like okay i don't know i mean once i became an adult and i have kids i'm like i see what plastic everywhere plastic everywhere and now i'm like don't sit there don't sit there this is what you eat this is what i got all kinds of boundaries now but uh and my kids have boundaries too you know they they want to dress a certain way they want to listen to you know certain songs that are you know not my taste but hey if you want to listen to that you know it's it's appropriate i don't like it but go ahead you know so we we all have these things about us and i think the more they're respected the more we feel connected i never questioned my grandmother's boundaries because i knew she loved me and if she had a rule who cared you know like i don't even care because this woman is about to feed me some good food and kiss on me and you know so i don't care about play i won't sit there you know i don't even think to question it because i knew she loved me and we were so deeply connected that i didn't even think about these things you know it's like i want to be in relationship with you and if being in this relationship with you means that i have to take my shoes off or i need to call you before nine o'clock or you know uh you want a heads up if i want to talk about something deep okay because i love you so much it doesn't even matter to me god i love that so much you just really hit the nail on the head of what this whole thing is about is that literally by setting boundaries is actually creating a better relationship a more connected relationship with that person and so if we can shift our perspective instead of being like i'm fearful of setting a boundary am i going to cause conflict i don't necessarily have the confidence if we can just repeat to ourselves it's actually going to bring us close it's actually going to make us tighter like i actually think that that's a great strategy of removing the fear that people may have of setting the boundary in the first place but the one thing that i do wonder though is sometimes when you set boundaries and you have people around you that respect them right you've communicated the boundary um you think that you're they're on board everyone understands and over time it starts to wean a bit and it's almost like your boundary has an expiration date um how do you deal with those things because those actually to me feel exhausting it's because you feel like am i just like beating a dead horse is this a show of disrespect because i've told them in the past and how do you how would you advise to deal with boundaries that may feel like um they they have an expiration date so one thing you could do is certainly restate the boundary and when you get to the point of wow um i've said this like seven times um maybe you want to say something a little more definite and you know sometimes people keep asking because they really want to to um break through the boundary and get you to eventually say yes or even forget about it so it's like okay it's been two months i've been doing this thing now i'll quit right uh but that's not really anything personal to you that's just how we do things we exercise for 10 days straight then we quit right it's it's not anything personal to lisa it's just something that people do um because really sticking to it takes discipline and it's not their thing it's your thing they're not doing their thing and so it's it's hard being disciplined with our own stuff right with the things that we actually want to do i want to wake up at 5 00 a.m i want to read two books a week i wanted all this stuff that is hard to be disciplined add on to it somebody else's stuff like now they want you to do x y it's like i forgot like i don't i did it five times i forgot this one time um as we're introducing our boundaries to people cut them some slack for being beginners at understanding this unless you think that they are maliciously trying not to listen to your boundary but sometimes people truly they forget um is not at the top of mind because it's not their thing we all struggle with discipline like there are lots of reasons that people aren't going to consistently be on top of your boundary and it takes some level of training people to get them to really consistently get it because i love that so much because i it was the initial feeling is always it's personal right it's against me it's they don't respect me um so talk to me then about um codependency on setting boundaries and how that really does affect a relationship or really how like boundaries are the healthy thing to avoid codependency yeah so in coded codependent relationships there typically aren't any boundaries um because the relationship is dependent on the enmeshment the rescuing the saving um the minimizing of really big problems and so when you're engaged in those behaviors there's typically not a lot of room for structure and limitations and expectations and so having boundaries certainly breaks up the ability for a person to be codependent and particularly when we have a family history of trauma and dysfunction codependency it's really hard to begin to set those boundaries because it's a new concept they're like whoa wait a minute you're the only person who's saying we have to do x because the the the family's dynamic has operated on not having any boundaries not having any rules or expectations holding people accountable and so in those instances i have found it the hardest with people who have those dysfunctional backgrounds um with family because it's not a supported concept and so often like we started um with you saying that people are gaslighting you and making you feel like why are you saying this to me that is often the case because no one supports um this concept of boundaries but here's the thing if it feels good if it is a healthy concept um i don't know if it has to be supported with people that you're trying to um implement it with because there are times where people just they won't support something healthy and that doesn't mean that you're doing a bad thing you know if you're saying hey wash your hands when you come over my house it doesn't mean that hand washing is bad if these people don't support it it just means they won't support it continue your rule of hand washing so you don't have to take away these things because people are pushing back against them you just have to build your strength and courage and consistently say this is the thing i need you to do and they may push back and over time they may you know well let me wash my hands i know you're gonna say something about me washing my hands great excellent i love it when you know i'm gonna say something you just do it wonderful that's so bad because you know that they're saying that to be kind of like jaby right yeah yeah yeah oh my god i love that so much girl i'm so excited about your book set boundaries and find peace and what is one big key thing i mean you've spoken about so much in this discussion so it's just so freaking amazing but what's like one key thing for people who are listening or watching right now that you feel like they can start immediately and they can take away from your book immediately is understanding that we live in a world with boundaries and it is your right to have them too [Music] i hope that is the immediate takeaway as you're reading the book i hope you connect with the stories in the book around how our history how our narratives our interactions with other people really impact our ability to have boundaries but even with all of that history that we have we can still set them betting them is not easy that's why it's a whole book on how to write i don't i don't want you to think like oh it's easier said than done no it's hard i'm not saying it's easier said than done but it is possible it is absolutely possible and i assure you you already have some values it may just be some small ones that you don't even consider boundaries but you already have some and people are respecting them how do you increase the boundaries that you already have how do you develop new boundaries how do you take those relationships that are really um trouble and put boundaries into those but we already have some boundaries so we just need to learn how to execute boundaries in these situations where we feel disempowered and from the book i hope that people learn how to exercise their choices and speak about boundaries i love that and where can people find you and the book well i am most active on instagram and the book is available everywhere that books are sold um it comes out march 16th i'm so excited for the book i think it will be everything that we need to know in one place about boundaries because it's such an interesting concept that we needed an entire book to talk about this really big thing yes i'm so excited to read it myself and thank you so much for coming on guys guys guys go check out her instagram page go check out her website she's got so much gold there and then if you did like this episode guys please please do subscribe share comment and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out guys what up guys thanks so much for watching this video if you'd like another dose of bad or arsery make sure you watch this video right here or this one right here because i know you'll like them but hey also while you're here guys you might as well click that subscribe button down there so you don't miss any future episodes and until next time be the hero of your own life peace out

Channel: Women of Impact

Views: 163,530

Rating: 4.9529033 out of 5

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Nedra Glover Tawwab, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, WOI, boundaries, how to set boundaries, find peace, Set Boundaries & Find Peace, acknowledge boundaries, stop being manipulated, the language you use, you have a choice, empowered women, empower yourself, lifestyle of empowerment, set boundaries, set boundaries book, set boundaries nedra glover tawwab

Id: RslMYasPpxo

Length: 48min 25sec (2905 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 27 2021