Former Secret Service Agent Shows You How to Get The Truth Out of Anyone | Evy Poumpouras

I'm so freaking excited that we have teamed up with whoop and today they're offering 15% off to our audience when use the code impact at checkout at whoop com there's actually science that the Department of Defense is doing where they're researching your sixth sense and they found that it actually works in the field because some of the military on the field have been able to avoid IEDs explosive devices and provides explosive devices and so when they ask them how did you know not to go this way I had a feeling mm-hmm and so even if you can't articulate it even if you don't understand it if you feel it follow it I'm Lisa Bennett and I went from housewife to co-founder of a billion dollar company quest nutrition and now president of impact theory our mission with this show is to empower you and all women to recognize that you really can become the hero of your own life welcome to women of impact have you ever had that unsettling feeling that you're being watched and you look around and you don't see anyone so you shrug it off as paranoia or as a sign that you should put down the TV remote because clearly you've been watching too many episodes of CSI have you ever met someone for the first time and there's just something about them that makes you uneasy you can't put your finger on it but you're not comfortable being around them so you tell your friend not to leave you alone with them and they look at you like you're nuts hmm maybe that marathon a binge watching mine hunter last weekend wasn't the best idea intuition Garf feelings all things we were taught to rely on growing up and yet often ignore when they strike sometimes out of fear of embarrassing ourselves for overreacting well tell that to coward ranch the woman who while riding in what she thought was a police officers Volkswagen bug decided to trust her instincts that something just wasn't quite right turns out she was right and that police officer turned out to be none other than serial killer Ted Bundy so how do we know and assess when someone is blatantly lying to us taken advantage of us or manipulating us or when it's just our wild imaginations running away with us a question that if we can figure out can impact all aspects of our life from relationships to business to personal safety and literally in some cases it can be life or death well today's badass is going to tell us just that with a master of arts and forensic psychology this former Secret Service agent was part of the protective detail for President Obama George W Bush and President Clinton working complex undercover operations and Criminal Investigations she took on classified missions from Beirut to Russia with a resume more impressive than parasite sweeping the Oscars this former interrogator for the Department of Defense elite polygraph unit is now using her experience and training to demonstrate in her new book becoming bulletproof how we can protect ourselves read people influenced situations and overcome our fear using natural instincts in order to live fearlessly so guys please help me in welcoming the recipient of the Secret Service Medal of Valor award for her heroism on 9/11 which by the way only five women in all of the u.s. Secret Service history have ever received a former interrogator journalist and now public speaker the human lie detector every pump horas here also the guy is colossi a very good thank you my fellow Greek in the house yes we are busting at the green I'm so excited that you're on here I've been waiting for you to come on so excited about what you've done and how you identify these moments of you know your fear for or threat and that's where actually thought I was gonna start this episode until I started to research you more and realize just you entering the Secret Service what you had to do with your mind has been incredible and you said they had to build mental armor in order to be part of it and that the Secret Service have to basically break you down in order to build you back up talk to me about that and what it takes the broad mental armor well usually when you go through these types of academies one of the things they do is they break you down they they're not there to tell you keep going good job like you will not hear any of that stuff they put you through a lot of stress and part of the psychology behind that is it's actually called a hermetic effect where you gives you and do small amounts of stress into someone and those small amounts of stress when they happen you learn to cope with them and so you cope greater stress you learn to cope greater stress you learn to cope and so what happens is you are a very different person from the day you show up day one to the day you leave because that they are helping build your resilience and building mental resilience is having stress in your lives which is really goes against everything else that you hear it's like Oh live stress free you don't want stress in your life everything should be Zen it's the exact opposite because if you're not I think of it this way if you're not dealing with any stress if you're not dealing with adversity you're not dealing with obstacles then when something does happen you're not gonna know what to do stress is good certain levels of stress are good they teach you how to to cope they teach you how to problem-solve they teach you how to fail and then to do better the next time so training is like that they break you down and they also want to see who you are when you are stressed out because when you're stressed you act you don't really get to think and a big part of that is you want to see somebody's true nature stress them out and see who they are you know people it'll tell you a lot about somebody when they're not actually thinking about what do I do here and can you think under stress not everybody can mmm so when you're under that amount of stress what do you personally tell yourself to get through it because I've heard you say that it's not only such a male-dominated field but it's like one of the hardest male-dominated fields and so for you like how do you level up to perform at the level that they expect of like the men to perform the truth is Lisa I don't know because I didn't go in there thinking oh I'm a woman oh it's gonna be harder for me oh they're not gonna want me it didn't matter to me because we've if I went in with that mindset I'm a woman because right then and there I'm just I'm defeating myself because I'm thinking B because I'm a woman first of all I'm making it a negative that I am a woman and it's a problem and so now psychologically I'm putting myself before anybody even had a chance to put me at a disadvantage I just put myself at a disadvantage because I'm an you know fill in the blank I am up put your race but your ethnicity put your gender put whatever you want I am this no one's gonna like me but you show people who you are if you sit there and you're verbally trying to convince everybody hey I should be here hey you should respect me hey you should this you're gonna you gonna go bananas and so you just perform so in areas where I was weak I performed if if I had to run look I was not a great runner I never had to run before and so I went into the Academy and I was like the running we did was it was beyond running just running with gear on it was running with boots on it was running just for a miles and miles it's running in the heat and the freezing cold I had to work on it and so when we finished running during the day in training guess what I did at night I went running and so there's there's this level of psychology it's like I didn't I was I was there I had earned my place there and I was staying I wasn't going anywhere so beyond that you have we have so much power we don't realize and we think that when we hear this noise or chatter around us it's up to you how much you let it penetrate you it's like you create create this mental shield so it's who do you let in and what do you keep out if after I did all these things people are still had an issue with me despite outperforming even then then at that point you know I'm not the problem you're the problem and so sometimes it's like I'm actually not weak you're the one who's weak right weak people push other people down so that they can feel stronger hearing people's opinions is important because they can help guide you but it's also important to know which opinions you should listen to and when you you know which opinions you should not listen to can you differentiate the difference between those that matter and those that don't how do you decide that you know in my case when I went my first week of training actually with the service Academy I remember some guys pulled me aside and they said they some people don't want you here they don't think you should be here and I remember being thinking myself I just showed up how do people not want me and the reply was well they think that you're physically not capable to do this job and at that point I was like alright well I'll show you and so wasn't about me getting into an argument and debating it it was about doing it and I think I'll we do is we process things in our head and sometimes thinking thinking thinking thinking worrying all that stuff we create our own mental chatter and it distracts us from actually moving forward and I focused on putting one foot in front of the other if I sat there and I thought oh my god how am I gonna get through the next six months that would have been very difficult but it's like how am I gonna get through the next five minutes how am I gonna get through the next class how am I gonna get through the next hour of shooting how many going to get through the next hour of combat training and that's how I did it that's how I approached it but when you see that you're doing all these things and you're doing well you also have to check in with yourself am i doing everything I can yes I am am i succeeding yes I am so it's not me it's you but if I'm falling short if I'm not going running at night if I'm not training hard at night and I just show up there waiting for people to accept me well then now it's me and so a lot of it is self assessment it's 50% you and then it's 50% the other person but you really have to be honest with yourself if you if you're blaming everybody outside of you for what's going wrong wrong for what's happening for why this why that this person doesn't like me this person doesn't respect me if you're so focused on that person you're not looking at you good I love everything you just said like I'm such a believer of like be so good they can't ignore you like a concentrating on yourself being so good at what you're doing that everyone around around you literally cannot ignore you because you're that good and so proving it I absolutely love that absolutely resonates with me and I love the way you said is like earning respect you can't persuade someone to give you respect you have to earn you can't make people respect you I respect is a gift if somebody wants to give it to you they will and if they don't they don't and I think there's something freeing in that and knowing did I do everything you needed to do I'm letting it go if you want to respect me you can and if you don't want to give it that's fine too you can't force it and and in some sense you don't need it oh you don't need it so when you walked into let's say interrogation rooms is respect even on the table is that is that something that is important in those moments so was interesting because before I became an interrogator I didn't want to become one it was a polygraph examiner and my job was to step in and get confessions from people for cases where we had a difficulty we didn't have enough proof or the person wasn't confessing and this this person would get away with a crime and initially I didn't want to be an interrogator I thought who's gonna talk to me they're gonna see me they're gonna high-five themselves and be like oh there's gonna be easy and I'm happy in this situation that the senior examiner believed in me more than I believed in myself and he's like you will be good at this because no one's going to see you coming mm-hmm no one's gonna see it coming they're gonna underestimate you and that's a positive thing and you know when I was like well you know how am I gonna get people to respect me in the room what if I have an issue and one of the things he also told me is like don't force it command respect so we would do simple things like hi how are you Evie nice to meet you have a seat I'd show you what her sit it was my room I'd have a maneuver where for example like my chair had wheels on it the person's chair whom I was entering interviewing didn't have wheels on it the psychology behind that was I can move around this is my room you're stuck in that chair and so there are certain little things that I could do to show you I was in charge rather than tell you I was in charge one of the things they warned me about they said don't tell people that you're the boss I'm the boss I'm the authority you listen to me the minute those words come out of your mouth you just did the exact opposite you just lost all credibility when you have to tell somebody you're the boss you do you think they don't know you're the boss if I said to the person hey I'm the special agent do you think they didn't know their agent and so it takes away from you and so it's less this and more showing through action how do you carry yourself how do you walk into a room how do you speak how do you project your voice all those things exude power and all those things command respect mmm that's amazing and I love that and I think that everything that you say really does apply to just the real world like obviously you live in this or you have lived in this like unique situation but with walking into a room and you know a lot of people fear going into social you know room socially it's like they don't feel confident enough and so having a certain body presence and things like that I just find fascinating talk to me about like appearance and things like that on how looks really do matter I know the people say oh it's on the inside that counts you know and not what's on the outside yeah no think of it this way if nobody knows you all they have to judge you by is what they see and some research shows that within the first five seconds people make it their impression of you and it's so difficult to undo somebody's first impression of you and it takes work to undo it if it's negative it's the minute if it is the image that you don't want and so think about what do you exude shooting how are you dressed think about the audience you're gonna wear one outfit for something else and a different outfit for something else when I was an agent my hair was always pulled back I wore dark colors a war suit I wore flat flat shoes I had a stern look there was a look that went with what I was doing but that was the version of myself that I brought out there are different versions of ourselves there's no one you and when I hear terms like oh I'm just gonna go be me and see how it goes I'm just gonna be myself good luck with that what version of you are you bringing to the table you have to know your audience who are you speaking to because different versions of you resonate with different people there's a version of you with your parents there's a version of you when you do these interviews is the version of you with your husband there's a version of you with your employees so which version of you resonates with certain people and then understanding the human being across from you you adjust to them one of the skills of influence which I actually talk about in my book is knowing who your audiences then based on who they are how you assess them you adjust yourself you bring out the version of yourself that will speak to that if that makes sense absolutely and I love that and do you always start with what is your goal so like if my goal is for this person to like me then I adjust accordingly if this person and my goal is for this person to fear me then I adjust accordingly do you start with a goal like that I won't start with a goal like that because not good I don't care if somebody likes me or fears me per se because that's not my goal my goal is what I want my goal is do I want to make a deal with this person do I want to sell a book do I want to do a show do I want to get a confession do I want to get an interview that's my goal my goal isn't how I want that person to feel about me interesting okay my goal is what do I want my end result is this and how do i navigate my conversation to get to that point now likeability is important if people like you they're more likely to say yes to you so you know the whole concept of like I don't care people like me you should care because it makes a difference but going into your room saying I want this person to like me why now you're trying to figure them out and what makes them happy it's like well what's your goal your goal is to make a partnership do a podcast do an interview whatever it is that's your girl and then you navigate that and fear you want to be careful because do you really want people to fear you there's some research out there some science-based research and one of the things that they found is those people that have the best communication skills and negotiation are better than at influencing people or those that have two components they are competent and they they are warm mm-hmm okay so we think oh I need to be competent and cold that's not what resonates with people it's competence and warmth so how do you do that when you're walking into a room and someone's potentially killed somebody or like how do you be warm to that and I've heard you say that you can't lay your emotions you know rule you and you can't walk into any of those situations with any type of biasness I think anyone listening has always been has been in a situation where they are biased because of their experiences and they walk into either a relationship or a friendship bringing those biases with them and taking things personally so those are two skill sets that I've heard you talk about that is so fascinating on how you actually do that this is the thing it's not about me this is it goes back to like do I want people to like me and fear me and we're making it about me what's my goal my goal is to get information to get a confession to find out that this person do it or did this person not do it it's not about me and what we do is our ego gets in the way me me me me me does this person like me this person disrespected me and I get lost now it's not about what I need it's about me and so when I walked into that room what mattered was the information that I needed so that this person for example if it was a child abuse case or child sexual sexual abuse case and I sadly I worked a lot of those it wasn't about me telling this guy what I thought of him it was about me getting information so that this guy or gal went both ways couldn't hurt anybody else that's what mattered and so if you're able to get yourself out of the way and focus on what the long game is the long game is I want X how do I get to X so me rolling my eyes telling that person with a piece of garbage I thought he was or she was it didn't matter that's not what the point was and truly you can find something good in everybody I reviewed hundreds of people and I can't say that I ever interviewed somebody where I was like this person is 100% pure evil you can find good qualities in people and so if you can find those qualities and chase the good I called it chasing the good find the good things in them and pull them out because if I only point out all the bad things about you and I highlight how bad you are how horrible you are all the bad things you did then I'm gonna pull the bad part of Lissa out but if I can find the good parts of Lee sin say Lisa I know you're an honest person Lisa I know you meant well at least I know you didn't mean this at least I know you're a good daughter if I can find those things about you because they exist then I pull out the good part of Lisa and the good Lisa wants to talk wants to do the right thing wants to communicate and work with me the bad part of Lisa is gonna go to flip me off go tell me to myself right and so it's really being beyond yourself people lied to me all the time they still lie to me everyday people lie everybody lies I lie you lie some research says that in one conversation a person will tell ton lies what oh yes we shield ourselves and look we live for different things we lie because we don't want to give you know we don't want people to know our personal stuff we lie to protect ourselves we lie because we're hiding something so if you can take that personal element out of it oh that person lied to me because they think I'm stupid it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and think to yourself why did they lie to me because of something going on within them and if you can flip it around and not take it personal you'll be able to see what the big picture is short picture short run you hurt my feelings big picture I want X how do I get to X god I love that have you always naturally been like that because sometimes at least in the past and I've really worked on this my emotions almost just take over without me been able to control them and so in an effort to control them I may walk away from a situation take a deep breath things like that but when you're in that sort of high intense atmosphere is it that you just trained yourself enough to not get to that point of like really being emotional or have you always been somewhat able to separate the two no so I had a terrible temper growing up okay I wanted to fight everybody all my kind I grew up in New York and Queens god help you Greek and knew you don't weaken the waves like did you see how she looked at me hold my jacket oh my god I saw her look at me she's gonna get it alright so how on earth did that girl from Queens end up being this person that is so articulate able to explain everything self-assessment you have to constantly self assess I would look at situations and for example if I was fighting with a lot of different people in my relationships I would think to myself well there's one common denominator me what am i doing and I've learned over the years if something goes wrong not to say what did that person do to me I asked myself what could I have done differently what could I have done to change the outcome because I can't control what another person does but I can fully control myself and you said something really remarkable and then agree with when you get emotional which I still do the best thing to do is if you can is walk away take a break so don't send that angry text don't set that email don't don't get on the phone I have a 24 hour rule if I can employ it like just don't do anything for 24 hours after the 24 hours you see it differently because that emotion has passed and now you're thinking thoughtfully about what to do there's a difference one is you're reacting to some what somebody does and the other thing is you're responding thoughtfully so when you react it's impulsive you just go when you respond it means you thought it out you put some type of strategy or tactics in place and then you respond it's when we would do search warrant or arrest warrants we didn't just go into the you know place guns blazing and breaking doors down it was a thoughtful tactical breakdown of how we were going to go into that house well we're gonna go who's going through the doors who's watching the back door who's watching the windows are there any guns in the house should we be worried there's this person out back a history we put a plan in place and then we went in we didn't go in there to be bullies or to throw down with someone we wanted everybody to leave safely not anyone not to get hurt I didn't want to hurt the person either that we were resting and just how can we do this quickly and safely and so it's kind of that mental breakdown of situations but the more you deal with stress this is the thing the more you have stress in your life the more you're able to cope better if you know how to use these situations as a learning tool so when things happen to you rather than completely losing your mind take a minute don't respond don't do anything and I have a term introduce a disruptor so a disruptor is something like you can do time time is a disruptor where you have time in the in the context of a situation where you don't actually do anything and the time helps you kind of break away from that moment or you can go do something go surfing go jump out of a plane go go for a run at the park do something that disrupts the the the hamster wheel that's in your head this person this is person that you need to break that so you can do that with an activity you can even do it with a location move locations change locations get in your car and drive so introduce disruptors I do that to this day if I have a situation or something that happens and I don't like and I find myself spinning and replaying that same story which does me no good I introduce a disruptor I'll go to my Brazilian Jujitsu class and I will get my ass handed to me on the grappling floor or I'll go take take a cold shower which I don't like doing but I do them every night so I will do something that alters my mind set Wow I love that so you said when you're going I love what you're saying like you're going and gut you don't go in guns blazing you have a plan everything is you know ow in those moments what happens I want to go to like talk about and like intuition and gut because all the moments where you're in that situation and you've got a gut feeling about something but you don't listen have any proof have you had that situation and then what do you do about it because as a young girl I definitely had a lot of gut you know like instincts about things but I was always so embarrassed to say anything that I never said anything and then I remember one time when I was about 12 years old I was walking home from school and I just had to gut feeling someone was following me in a car and I turned around and there was this guy in a conclave very slow and I remember being like well if you run like he's gonna think you're an idiot because you're running away from a car and then I was like but then you could die so I actually ran home and it's one of those moments that could have been so pinnacle in my life if I hadn't of listen to it so you're in these moments where there's so much on the on the line you're you know you've got this hot or these departments you're maybe arresting someone and you've got that gut feeling so it's so interesting that you share that story I cannot tell you how many women have shared such a similar story I had the same story happened where it was a woman she was a she was an anchor that I had been on air with and she pulled me aside she said you know what a few years ago I was walking down the sidewalk and I felt somebody behind me and I felt uncomfortable but he didn't do anything he didn't say anything and she's so she's like I thought about crawling crossing the street I didn't do it because I didn't want to be rude because he'd be like all right lady relax she's like I didn't cross the street I stayed there and you know what he did he robbed me whoo so my in those situations you have my blessing to be rude it's not about that it's like let them feel offended or even when you're waiting on line at Starbucks if like I have one of those people who really like to be on top of me I mean I will turn around I'll give them a look or if I don't like the way I feel I get up and leave move go don't be there so it's really about trusting your instincts if it feels wrong follow it there's actually science that the Department of Defense is doing where they're researching your sixth sense and they found that it actually works in the field and they've been investing money into it to see how you can enhance that because some of the military on the field have been able to avoid IEDs explosive devices and provides explosive devices and so when they asked them how did you know not to go this way I had a feeling mmm-hmm and so even if you can't articulate it even if you don't understand it if you feel it follow it there is a point where you have to trust in yourself it's there for a reason trust yourself if you're wrong you're wrong is that a good enough reason so let's say you I mean you you've protected so many presidents now and have you had moments where you're you just had to gut feeling and if so do you then follow it through like what does that look like well how that would work is there's a lot of planning preparation so the part that you see the agents walking around the protectee the president whoever it is that's noting the planning and preparation that would go into the pre-op proactive element to securing something going to a place that is 80 percent of it and so by the time you get there you're pretty solid but you've got a plan a and a plan B and a Plan C for when things break back and if you see something that doesn't feel right you notify the other people hey this looks off what do you think what do you think and then collectively we make that decision but again if you're prepared and this engine this isn't just a protection and security I mean in anything the more prepared you are the more you've done your homework then the more you know about your stuff you walk in not only confident but super aware and when things go wrong you can pivot if you're not prepared and if you haven't done the work if you're not proactive when things go wrong what do you do you lose your mind you freeze you don't know what to do and so there's there's so much of that element but we put so much work so much strategic so much training so much emphasis on preparing for securing a place securing the person and then then what if none of us had this delusion oh my god I put everything in place it's gonna be perfect right despite all the manpower all the research we knew that something could go wrong no I couldn't ever say to anybody i 100% tell you that this person's gonna be safe I can guarantee it I can but what I can guarantee is all the stuff I'm gonna do and that if something does happen I'm gonna respond quickly swiftly thoughtfully violently whatever I need to do that was amazing and in your business I assume that you get confronted a lot I've heard you talk about confrontation most people battle it and try to fight it off but you say welcome it can you talk to me a little bit yes so I have a lot of folks who come up to me what do I do this person's confronting me I'm nervous and I don't like to fight and and some people don't like confrontation well what happens is when we go out of our way to avoid confrontation it ends up hurting us in the end we end up stifling our voices we end up suffering we end up dealing with people and things in situations where we don't speak and it's so much worse for us not just mentally physically health-wise it just demolishes you and so embracing confrontation is a mindset that I took on that it's like you can you can disagree with someone and it doesn't have to be a full brawl you can articulate to somebody say I hear you I disagree with you with this and this is why here's my perception of that so there's a way to disagree with someone and if they escalate let them escalate if they scream let them scream you sit in your chair you stay calm and collected you remain professional you let them become the fool you don't have to mimic that sometimes in the going back to what I used to do in the interview room I would have people they they did not want to talk to me they hated me simply because of what I represented I represented law enforcement and so from that moment I'd walk into a room and people would be rude to me scream at me yell at me call me names what do I do do I were super Kate or do I sit back and I wait I let them vent and you know what ten minutes later 15 minutes later 20 minutes later they're done they're tired they got out of the out of their system and now we can have a conversation I love us very much don't don't be afraid of it so what somebody yells at you and somebody confronts you and embrace it look at it like all right what's up let's go and I have to give my husband kudos for this because anytime the situation and there's something I'm like hey this could get confrontational he's like yeah I love it because he looks at it couples like a puzzle like I like a masteries like how can we how are we gonna move this person how we gonna maneuver them from here to here and look at it as a challenge don't look at it as a negative thing and you're gonna have people confront you but at the same time you should be able to confront people about things that you don't feel right about in your life don't sit there and swallow it all so yeah let's talk about that how do you do that because typically when people go to confront other people it's like all right there's gonna be a battle here they're gonna get their walls up but I've heard you talk so eloquently about the words you use and how you are able to confront people without it being feeling like you're being combative what are the tricks there cuz right I love this well don't don't take it personal and don't talk to people like they're garbage don't sit there and yell at people if you yell at people and talk to them like garbage you're gonna get garbage and so if I want information if I'm trying to get something from you or I want to be able to understand what you're thinking I'm going to speak to you in a way that you understand but I will approach you one at a time when I am not angry because there are moments where I'm like I can't speak to this person I will not speak to this person I need to calm down I need to think clearly and when I get when I get in the right mindset then I'll figure out how to speak to you so let's say you're dealing with somebody who's being dishonest and they've been lying to you well one thing to think about is when you approach them you don't want to say hey I know you've been lying to me and this is how I know think of it this way who likes to be called a liar no one no one likes to be called a liar so what you can say is like hey Lisa look I feel that there's someone you know you're not being truthful with me about everything there's some things that you're holding back and I really want this relationship to work so I'm hoping we can have an honest conversation and open you know dialogue and just really kind of get to the bottom of what's going on it really really important to me so I can be as pissed at you as much as I want but I would do that actually did this was an ex-boyfriend and I suspected that he was being dishonest he was either talking to his ex-girlfriend or whatever this was many years ago do you think I was livid I was furious but I needed to know what was going on I was like I need to know I can't time with this person and so I put on my non-confrontational I'm gonna talk to you nicely had and I put on my interrogator interviewer had and I said you know and I just began talking to him nicely you know tell me about your last relationship Wow it sounds like it was really important to you what was it like that must have been hard to break up do you really think I want to hear about her no I did not but I sat there and I remember being on the phone with him listening to this conversation and then eventually his wall to go down he forgets who he's talking to he starts telling me more and more and as he's talking to me I realized oh my god he's still talking to her yes and so that that point I got what I wanted I needed knowledge to figure out do I stay or do a goal and so because I was able to get that information I was able to go and leave that relationship and avoid future pain so there's three things you should think about when you communicate with people body language verbal language paralinguistics body language is how you're seated so right now I like you you like me and one of the indicators is the way our legs are crossed they're actually called crossed toward each other and we didn't like each other we'd be maybe sittin something like this I'd be a little bit more that way so I use my body as a barrier or even leaning in when you like somebody you lean in and so this creates like hey I like you let's talk so people are more engaged now verbal language is kind of what we touched on before not calling somebody a liar watching the things you say to them even when I would work cases where somebody would steal money I would never say to them did you steal that money did you take that money if somebody raped someone I wouldn't say did you rape her rape is an ugly word who wants to be a rapist did you hurt her right so I would be mindful of the words that I used and so that is the verbal language that we assessed pi linguistics is how you say the things you're saying and so again based on your audience if you have somebody who's a man who's really strong was a boss you might went up deaf you know deep in your voice bring up a little bit more strength and when you talk project if you're dealing dealing with like a young girl you want to bring it down soften it match that person mirror her language and something as simple as look at the words people use like if do they like oh that's great that's great you know what I'm gonna say that's great that's great I even you when I do emails when I receive somebody's email and I look at how they introduce themselves hi Evie dear Evie hello Evie guess how I respond back I look at their email if they write hi I write hi they write hello I write hello if they write dear I write dear and that's to meet them where they all what is that purpose to create something in common I get you you get me subconsciously it makes them feel like oh I like her she used deer I use deer they don't know that I'm doing that even when I close the email sincerely I'll put sincerely people like people who they have things in common with but don't pretend to be something you're not so just bring the version of you that would resonate best with them so you're saying I'm not faking it I'm just bringing out a part of me that works with the work so that her so for example usually when I did interviews in the past I would bring a stronger version of me because typically I interviewed men who committed crimes and so I had to be fair and balanced but I also had to exude a bit more strength and power right but I remember one occasion I interviewed a young woman she was 22 years old she was a babysitter a nanny and she had there was a baby with a broken arm and I had to interview her now she had been interviewed about four times by state police and they were like she's not giving anything up do you want to give it a try and I said sure so when I saw her and I walked into the interview room this is my criminal now right mmm she was scared she was seated like this her voice was really really soft and low and I'm not gonna come in there with the interrogator IV because that would not have worked with her but what worked with her is hi how are you how's everything I brought the version of me it's still me that would work with her hour and a half later confession so it's really about paying attention to the person across from you how do you do that shut up and listen to people like talk less I always say 80% listen 20% talk and especially when you first meet people and you're trying to figure them out let them do the talking ask open-ended questions and then that way let people guide you and give you the infirm you need rather than guessing what do I say to this person who am I talking to let them tell you and people love to talk about themselves let them knocked on themselves out you know let them tell you everything about themselves and then you figure out who they are you figure out how they think what's important to them their values their belief systems what they want to share with you and then you can chime in more intelligently rather than guessing or making assumptions and the wrong assumptions so how do you do that then so there's a woman that has you guys think has hurt this child there's an assumption there that she has done it she hasn't confessed at what point do you say oh maybe she's not lying or maybe this is an assumption of ours and we are wrong like how do you differentiate and how do you know when your assumptions are influencing you don't make assumptions don't assume your assumptions are facts mm-hmm is it conjecture or is it fact and my husband always says that to me when we talk he's like is this an opinion is this is what you think or is this what you know to be true hmm and so approach her from that regard so in this situation we had an assumption it was possibly her but we weren't a hundred percent sure so when you speak to people you have to be non-biased recognize okay I think it's this person but I couldn't be wrong the way you should look at is I'm going in there to find out the truth whether it was the nanny whether it's a relationship whether it's a business partner whatever it is I'm after the truth how do I get to the truth I think I think this is it but you also have to be aware that there's a slight possibility that I could be wrong until give you going with this biased perception like I know this person did this I know this person lied to me I know this person deceived me if you go in with that no matter what they say to you that merit whatever they say to you you can make that narrative confirm with what you believe is confirmation bias you can make it fit in to what you want and then you'll disregard the things that don't suit you so you say when you're going in leave it at the door don't go in with any type of bias make no assumption assume that there is that possibility what you after the truth you want to know something I wanted to know that my if my boyfriend was still talking - ex-girlfriend every part of me wanted to be like slip of the finger and tell him what I thought of him but that would that do me any good no no and so I had an assumption I wasn't sure so I went in there non-threatening neutral conversation hey I'm your BFF let's talk oh my god that's horrible how did you break up oh I'm so sad for you you really must miss her I mean it was really hard but yeah I had to sit through it because go you want to because I needed to protect myself in some way and so I need to know what he is doing who he is talking to yeah I'm sure people ask this a lot of you but what are some key things on knowing when someone's lying to you or not so it goes back to what we talked about body language verbal language and paralinguistic so what happens with body language if someone is lying it's easy and it's not easy so what I want to say with this it's really studying human behavior and really assessing the person across from you now if you know someone and you're able to develop a baseline like you know this person you know when they're talking to you either how they typically carry themselves and then you look for a deviation in their character so if you ask somebody a really stressful question how are they gonna respond I remember once I was interviewing a woman it was for a job because we had to you had to take a polygraph to get into the service and during the interview I had to ask her about her drug history in the whole interview for example she's sitting like this she's nodding her head we're connecting it's great and the minute I started asking her about her drug experimentation her legs started doing this just this nothing else just up and down up and down so I'm watching this and I'm thinking could be a fluke could be something so we talked for a little bit we change the conversation when I change the conversation away from drugs her legs stopped then I'm thinking okay I need to go back to this to see if there's an issue here so I brought the conversation back I'm like hey I haven't know the question about what we talked about earlier about your drug experimentation and the legs started doing this and so in that moment I knew I'm like okay something bothering her with this question now I didn't want to make the assumption she's a liar could be maybe her husband does drugs her father disrupts who knows or maybe it is her and so at that point I become curious and when you become curious when you learn to read people's nuances you become curious and then you ask the follow-up question then you start I need to pay attention red flag and so that's where body language comes in what are they doing that's different from what they've done before because when we're stressed out our body bleeds information so you can sit there and be really calm and collected and lie to somebody but sometimes the body can't control it it's too much there's too much happening and you know there's also this this can't this concept about eye contact oh you know I you know look me in the eyes and tell you tell me the truth right I can look you in the eyes all day long and live live so it's really just understanding that person but if you notice that I'm always looking at you in the eyes and then the minute I start to tell you something that you're concerned about I look away mm-hmm now you're like why did she just look away this whole time she's looking at me in the eyes I asked her this difficult question now she shifts her gaze so you're looking for you looking at the difference what changed in me and now with with language there's also things to look at in language just a lot of times it has to do with paying attention so if I say to you Lisa you know what time did you get home last night and you say to me well you know I usually get home around 6:00 did you answer the question but you'd be surprised how many people will let that go and they will move on I didn't ask you what time you usually get home I asked you what time did you get home last night because people are trying to avoid lying directly is that why they do it yeah snips through the cracks it does well look people we all know it's wrong to lie so we don't like lying so the most popular way we lie is through omission we will leave something out we will be vague in our language and so we really want to listen to the language are people answering your question when you ask a question do they respond back with a question who me are you talking to me it could be a stalling tactic yes it's me there's nobody else in the room it's just you and I who else would be asking you and to listening to the language that people use also another indicator is usually when we speak we'll say I I feel this way I this I went here I that III what you'll tend to see in verbal language is somebody who doesn't use I it means that there's a lack of commitment that they're telling you something but they're not committed to it so think of the sentence if I say to you miss you love you can't wait to see you okay I miss you I love you I can't wait to see you there's more of a commitment on that latter one so you can possibly assume again assumption but the first person really doesn't miss you all that much really doesn't love you all that much doesn't care whether they see you and so there's so many clues and the things we say then also how we say them you know do people speak with conviction are they vague so when it comes to deception people who lie are typically vague because when you're lying there's so much more you have to remember there won't be as detailed Wow yes that was far ago and everything is in the book that they can find everything is so much stuff but it's all great stuff and it's all it's all the little things like there's no gimmick there's no like here just do these three steps you will know it's it's really understanding people studying human behavior look I'm fascinated by people and everyone's unique and everybody's different and so you want to learn people understand people and the more curious you are about people the more you'll be able to read them and think what matters is to this person why would they lie to me well what would there be there what would be their incentive their motive and that's where empathy comes in using empathy to understand somebody else's perspective see the world not through your eyes through their eyes and even something simple as when I would do interviews with people I would sit in the chair the person I would be interviewing and would sit because I wanted to see what does it feel like to sit in this chair where are they looking what are they staring at is their window is their clock are they distracted by something what does it feel like so talk to people not the way you want to be spoken to but the way they want to be spoken to a way that resonates with and how do you do that by talking less and listening more because they will give you clues and insight to who they are mmm God that was fire that was amazing and I think I know the answer to this question because I think you just answered it but what is your superpower gosh my superpower I feel a lot you fail a lot yeah failure is my superpower the more I fail the more resilient I become and the less afraid I am of it failure is my superpower I love that and where can people find you in your new book and you show that you're on and everything that you're doing so spy games is every Monday night on Bravo it's 10:00 p.m. Eastern and Pacific and then 9 p.m. Central and then my book is be called becoming bulletproof and honestly like all the stuff we talked about it's in there and I just took everything that I learned that I was privileged to be in the white house to be around these extraordinary people to go through all this training and my mindset was how do I help people how do I serve people I don't want to write a book about me I wanted to write a book that people could take and use in their everyday lives because all that stuff I use today with everything in relationships it was so vulnerable and there's so many things that go on around us like how do we protect ourselves not just physically but mentally different people you know even people that don't mean to harm us harmless and so how do you how do you navigate that world so it's becoming bulletproof you can get it on Amazon it comes out in April and so I'm really excited about that because again like I just I want it to help people and I really think that's a book that really can amazing and where can people follow you Oh common spelling Greek name hat Febby pauperis so a tvy pauperis and then p oh um pou re s amazing we'll put all the links in the show notes as well guys guys I have been waiting for this episode and dying to get this woman on for god knows how long and so I am a giddy child right now I'm so freaking excited that she was able to sit here and give all those words of wisdom go buy her book go follow her if you're not following me follow me at Lisa Billy and if you're not subscribe to this channel guys and you do I feel like this is bringing you value please please do click that subscribe button down there and until next time be the hero of your own life I have suffered from serious health issues for close to four years now and when I say I've tried everything well I pretty much have I've been to countless doctors read more books on health and you can possibly imagine take an advice change my diet change my lifestyle change my workouts all in an effort to help me get stronger get healthier and as a result show up in my business and my relationships with Han but I'm gonna be real with you guys the biggest thing I did was take ownership take ownership over my own health because the truth is no one cares more about your health in you and so I started to track my own results I started looking at how much sleep I got and the correlation between that and my mood and productivity enters whoop it literally tracks all things sleep from my sleep so I cause stages disturbances and efficiencies and based on how strenuous my day is we can actually suggest when I should sleep so my body gets the rest I need I also started to track my workouts with whoop to see if I was pushing myself too much and as a result suffering from burnout it has a built in feature that allows me to track calories burn my heart rate and what zone my heart rate is in in real time and once I started to do that it literally changed everything I was finally able to improve my work performance and to be honest more importantly I'm just so much happier and let's face it isn't really what we all are going for so I'm so freaking excited that we have teamed up with whoop and today they're offering 15% off to our audience when you use the code impact at checkout at whoop calm that's woop wh ooo P calm and use the code impact a check out to say 15% off your order take your life by the horns strap on a root band and remember guys be the hero of your own life what up guys Lisa here thanks so much for watching this episode and if you haven't already subscribed keep that little bun-bun in front of you click click click away we release episodes every Wednesday so be sure to get notified until next time go be the hero of your own life

Channel: Women of Impact

Views: 1,482,243

Rating: 4.9235454 out of 5

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Evy Poumpouras, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, Impact Theory, Tom Bilyeu, Secret Service, stress, mental armor, respect, interrogator, first impression, lie detector, self-assessment, emotions, disruptor, intuition, gut feeling, confrontation, body language, linguistics, listening, empathy

Id: loG9ujz0N4M

Length: 52min 6sec (3126 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 11 2020

Reddit Comments

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[u/modernmedusaa]

Really like this channel guys, very FDS / FLUS themed contents on being fearless, overcoming obstacles and honouring your instincts. Deffo subscribe

P.s I absolutely adore the chemistry between these 2 women in this interview!! Two levelled up queens :D

[u/pancakeCEO]

I will likely watch this in full but can someone give a TL;DW?

[u/Yggie]

Oh, I saw this too and thought it'd be perfect for this sub.

I'm actually thinking about buying her book when it's released, I found her quite inspiring.

[u/helljess86]

My dream is to become a Special Agent (not likely to happen but it'd be amazing) and this post is tremendous. Thanks.