Recreating Human Evolution in Spore.

ever since fossils were invented back in 1847 scientists have attempted to piece together the story of human evolution where did we come from how did this happen who am i and what on earth is a homo sapien are all questions you've probably asked yourself since the day of your conception well today i'll be going further than any scientist before me as i attempt to discover how the human race really evolved to do this i'll be using the most advanced scientific technology ever created the 2008 video game spore for those who've been living under a rock spore is a life simulation game for the pc in which you create a creature and a task with helping it evolve my hypothesis was if i created a replica of a modern day human and used it to play through spores tribal stage i would be able to uncover just exactly what life was like a million years ago with that said i set about creating my test subject i first began by creating a long cylindrical body with a neck and head then adding arms facial features and legs before protecting his manly hood with a carefully placed leaf as was the fashion back in the day oh god what have i created possibly the most disgusting thing i've ever seen with our perfect specimen created it was time to launch ourselves into the simulation when i loaded in though we were immediately presented with a bit of a problem oh god something's gone wrong i can't see i can't see my guy thankfully a reload of the world set things straight and i took it upon myself to give my race of people some fresh new merch oh that's perfect he looks like some sort of general like a commander you know with this the tribe was in good spirits and after the birth of several new members who just appeared from the town hall somehow i geared up my tribe for their first proper test a battle of epic proportions man versus nature and using humankind's greatest weapon teamwork we swiftly dealt with our foe survival of the fittest we shouted as we run back to camp with a spring in our step oh the babies are adorable everything was going to plan but then the unthinkable happened a whole new species of invisible creature appeared the brown village see not many people actually know this but the first severe challenge to the survival of our species was actually a conflict with a tribe of invisible people i was left with no choice but to attempt to befriend our invisible neighbours therefore i equipped my tribe with the finest wooden flutes and we started a band as the band's manager i offered to book our first gig with the brown village and thankfully they accepted this was to be the first concert in the history of the world and let me tell you the boys lived up to the occasion we opened with a flute variation of skrillex's bangarang which received tens all round before a heartfelt performance of my heart will go on by celine dion convince the audience once and for all in fact the brown village was so impressed they declared as best friends for life helped us out by refurbishing our tribe's village and stopped being invisible unfortunately news of our newfound alliance spread fast across the world and within minutes the pink village cyan village and green village moved into our area however things were going well over in our tribe we had plenty of food plenty of men and during this age of peace we invented a new musical instrument to add to our band the maracas i was in such a generous mood i decided to welcome the pink village with open arms by sending a member of our tribe their way with a gift little did i know that at that very same moment a group of pink tribe mercenaries were on their way to attack my village as a wise man once said though there's safety in numbers and thankfully we were able to deal with the immediate threat thanks to some aid from the brown village even after their crushing defeat though the pink village did not let off the offensive sending waves and waves of attacks whittling down our numbers but more than anything really hurting our feelings to top it all off the scion village decided to take the opportunity to steal some of our food those thieving bastards i was done with being taken advantage of so i decided to improve humanity's defenses by equipping members of the tribe with throwing spears morale was also very poor so i decided to throw a party involving a nice meal and a dance around the campfire you won't believe what happened next oh my god you won't believe it it still makes me angry now the sian village attacked us in the middle of our party how much more disrespectful can you get this meant war and after taking care of their futile attack i decided to capitalize on their low numbers and attempt to wipe them off the face of the earth the boys grabbed their throwing spears aside from one guy who decided to keep with the maracas and we made a charge for the saiyan tribe's base it was a horrendous war the cyan tribe had been practicing their fighting skills they had the high ground and we were no match for them humanity just about escaped on the brink of extinction and as such an age of poverty and struggle began this period in time is now often referred to as the dark ages i'm not sure we would have ever recovered if it weren't for the overwhelming generosity of the brown village who proceeded to give us gift after gift this got me thinking if i could make more allies then i might stand a chance against those filthy cyans okay here's the plan we're gonna make friends with the green village as well and then the entire south side of the world uh the southern hemisphere if you like we'll be friends with us and then we can wage war on the north it's like game of thrones with this in mind i set about preparing for our second ever concert and this time we'd be performing for the green village we performed our old set of course that of bangarang and my heart will go on but this time we played an encore of ain't no sunshine by bill withers and let me tell you the green village was impressed and just like that we had another ally on our side now it was time to gear up for war therefore my tribe was in need of some extra armor okay do you know what we need we need some armor because if the sion village attacks again i don't know what i'll do oh that is that looks incredible and it's much more decent than uh oh it's not very decent around the back that's for sure shoulder pads very important oh my goodness they're they're huge oh wow we can give ourselves facial hair as well oh look at that the human race have learnt how to groom themselves look at that after suiting up with newly discovered wooden axes and didgeridoos i noticed that the pink village was still very angry with us this could prove problematic to my siege of the cyan village and i couldn't have them interrupting therefore i begrudgingly decided to befriend the pink village as well even though they had wronged us in the past we gave them another concert but honestly we didn't even practice for it and some of the maraca players deliberately played out of time just to spite them aside from this though the concert was going down well that is until the scion village decided to attack mid-performance those sneaky sneaky sians luckily the cavalry managed to make it back in time to deal with the threat but that was the final straw it was now or never i decided to hit the sian village on the counter-attack when they least expected it the troops rolled in and began what was to be a long and hard battle this truly was the battle of the century i mean it had alien spaceships giant monsters but after all the hurt and struggle we finally emerged victorious ah doesn't it feel good a world with no enemies the tribe was able to once again eat in peace we even managed to return to the pink village and finish our concert it was perfect but hang on someone's stealing our food again wha the lavender village where did these come from i didn't know much about the lavender village but one thing was for sure they were not friendly and they proceeded to launch several attacks on our home base i knew what had to be done i had to wage yet another war if the battle against the scion village was the battle of helm's deep this was the battle for middle earth okay men this is the final hour i know the lavender village are intimidating but tonight we fight with the power of a thousand men a thousand human men some of you seem to have created a new weapon by merging of a wrecker and an axe together that's really clever guys good thinking okay everyone this is it to war once again it was a gruesome battle and several lives were lost like like about three people died the brown village continued showering us with gifts throughout and in the end we managed to target their town hall which proved too much for them to handle the lavender village was defeated the next few days were filled with raucous celebration and once the excitement died down mankind was finally ready to move out of tribal stage the chieftain gave a rousing speech signifying the start of a long age of advancement and prosperity an industrial revolution started using fossil fuels for power buildings were built a city was formed thomas edison invented the light bulb charles dickens wrote a christmas carol steve jobs invented the iphone and that's pretty much how we got where we are today thanks for listening to my ted talk goodbye [Music] [Music]

Channel: BogBoy

Views: 1,368,493

Rating: 4.9315114 out of 5

Keywords: bog, boy, bogboy, jude, wedgwood, spore, tribal, stage, human, evolution, theory, history, industrial, revolution, EA, maxis, glitch, invisible, fossil

Id: MqwZi2sb1RQ

Length: 9min 18sec (558 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BlueSmashBall]

Fucking loved it

[u/BlueSmashBall]

Fucking loved it