<i> - So I kind of
position myself</i> to do it discreetly,
you know. And this hot squirt... [laughter] Shoots out of my butt, and I'm like... "Oh, no." [laughter] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [wind howling and whistling] <i> ♪ </i> <i> ♪ </i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Hello, everybody. Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and today all the stories
are about nostalgia. [cheers and applause] <i> A very, very funny man.</i> <i> Give it up for
Mr. Randall Park, everybody.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Are you guys ready
for a shit story? [laughter]
- Yeah! - All right. So I have
a very sensitive stomach. I'd say about half my shits
are diarrheas. And it's not just, like,
when I eat something bad. It's also when I, like,
experience anxiety or, like, trauma. And I'd say the most traumatic
period of my life was in middle school. I went to this school
called Palms Middle School. And I was this chubby, shy, awkward little Asian kid. And I--the school-- everyone else in the school
was a bully. You know, I got--
I got bullied. I got beat up occasionally. Every time I'd go to my locker, stuff would be missing. I mean, when I think back
to my years at Palms Middle School, I just picture a bunch of kids
just pointing at me and laughing at me. It was a nightmare, right? But eventually I graduated,
and I ended up going to a high school,
and I just felt a lot better. I grew up.
I felt more confident. I made friends. And one day in high school,
one of my friends came up to me and was like, "Hey, do you want
to catch a talent show "that my little sister's in? It's at Palms." And I-I could feel my body,
like, tensing up. But then I felt better,
and I was like, "Oh, you know what? "Yeah, you know,
I'm grown now. "That--that's past me. "I'm confident now.
You know what? "Yeah, yeah, I'll be there. I'll see you there." So that Saturday comes. I'm riding my bike
to my old middle school. I lock up my bike,
and the moment I set foot on the campus, I could feel
my stomach start to turn. [light laughter] But I pay it no mind. I go into the auditorium,
right. The auditorium is packed. There's just parents,
kids running around, faculty. It's just packed.
I see my friends sitting in the front row, and they saved me a seat. I join them,
and the talent show begins. And as soon as I sit down, I feel like I need
to use the restroom. My stomach is, like,
about to explode, all right? But I just got there,
so I decide to fight it through. About a half hour into the show, I am literally, like,
in the fetal position. I'm, like, shaking, and sweat is pouring
down my face. I'm not even looking
at the stage. And my stomach is killing me. I really have
to use the restroom, and I think, "You know what?" "I'm gonna--I got to relieve
this pressure. "I'm gonna try
to release some gas. I'm just gonna try to finesse
some gas discreetly out of me." So I kind of position myself to do it discreetly,
you know. And this hot squirt... [laughter] Shoots out of my butt, and I'm like... "Oh, no." [laughter] And I feel this cold circle forming in the back
of my pants. [laughter] And I go up to my friends,
and I'm like, "Look, guys, I'll be back." And I, like, quickstep
out of the auditorium, and I burst
out of the auditorium into the lobby,
and I'm frantically looking for the boys' restroom. And I see the boys' restroom, and I kick open the door,
and I'm in the restroom. Now, the restroom at Palms is similar to the restroom at a bunch of underfunded
middle schools all across the country. There are two stalls. One of them has the door
completely ripped off. [laughter] The other one,
I go in there. The toilet is filled
with paper towels and someone else's shit. [laughter] And I try to flush it.
It just won't go down. So, you know, I have--
I have a problem here. Which--it's a philosophical
question, really. Which one do you choose? Do you choose the one
without the door or the one with--
that's filled with shit? And at this point, I'm, like--
I'm about to explode. So I-I have no choice. I close the door,
I pull down my pants. Now, you know you have
to take a shit when you're willing to shit
on top of someone else's shit. [laughter] So I, like, go into the stall, and I'm, like, hovering
over the--the toilet, and I just let it loose. And it's like--
it's not like a sh-- it's like a dam burst,
right? It just--for, I mean,
a good 20 seconds, it's like... [imitates whooshing] Just shooting out of me. It's like an exorcism,
right? And I--it's weird, because
it's like this spiritual-- it was this spiritual situation
going on. My eyes were closed, and I felt like these demons were, like, shooting
out of my body. Like all of those experiences
from middle school, the kids beating me up, and the kids, you know, stealing my stuff
from my locker, and--and all the kids pointing at me
and laughing at me, it was just shooting out of me. It was the most cathartic shit I had ever taken in my life. [laughter] [laughs] Right? And it keeps going,
and then it just stops. And I open my eyes, and I feel so good. I feel like a new man. I feel, like, completely reborn,
right? And then I look down
at my shoes. [laughter and groans] And I see this brown pool start forming around my feet. And then I look down
into my pants. It is filled to the brim with shit. [laughter] I look back at the toilet, covered in shit... [chuckles] My shit
and the next dude's shit, the dude before me. The wall,
splatters everywhere. I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Oh, no." And I see this renegade,
like, stream start moving out
from under the stall. And just on instinct,
I start squeegeeing it back in with the side of my shoe, and I'm like, "Oh, no. Oh, no, what do I do?" I start pulling out
the toilet paper, and I start, like--
like a sinking rowboat, I start, like, just, like,
scooping it out of my pants. And I'm like, "Oh, no.
I need more. I-I need paper towels.
I need paper towels." So I pull up my pants,
and they're heavy and cold. [laughter and groans] And I, like,
Charlie Chaplin it over to the paper towels, and I start yanking out
paper towels, yanking 'em out. And then I hear
the audience applause. And I'm like, "Oh, no, "It's intermission. "It's the time in the show
when people go to use the bathroom." And I look out
into the bathroom. There's, like, shit footprints
all over the floor, streaks of shit
going underneath into the stall. I look at the sink. Just shit droppings everywhere. The paper towel dispenser
just dripping with feces. It's--it's a crime scene. [laughter] And I hear the audience
walking into the lobby, and I'm like, "Oh"--
at this point, I'm an animal. I'm just, like, acting
purely on instinct. And I run into the stall,
and I just close it, and I just stand there... [laughter] Just waiting for this onslaught
of people... [laughs] To be met with the surprise
of their life. [laughter] My feet clearly visible
under the stall, but I'm like, "Okay, just--
just relax. "Relax. Calm down. Calm down." And I hear the door open, and I literally hear
a grown man gasp. [gasps] "Ahh!" And then I hear the door close, and I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, fuck." [murmurs indistinctly] [laughter] [mouthing words] [laughter] And I hear the door open again, a teenage boy
literally screaming, "Ah!" And the door closes,
and I'm like, "Oh, God. Oh, God." [laughter] The door opens again. I hear a father and son
walk in a few steps, and I hear the son say,
"Daddy, what happened in here?" And the father, I hear him go,
"Let's go, come on. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!" And then the door closes. [laughter] This happens over and over and over and over again, and I just want to die. [laughter] At one point,
I hear the door open, and I hear a bunch of boys busting out laughing. And I hear the voice
of another boy say, "I told you. "I told you.
You thought I was lying. I told you!" At this point, I had become
a part of the talent show. [laughter] My talent? Shitting everywhere. [laughter] The one bright spot
was when the door opened, and I hear these feet
walk in gently and this kind man's voice say, "Is everything okay in there?" [laughter] And my plan was to not exist,
to not say anything, to just...
[laughs] Just be quiet,
but it just came out of me, and I said, "I'm okay." [laughter] And then the door closed. [laughter] Now, eventually,
it got to the point where the door stopped opening and I didn't hear the audience
in the lobby, and I was like, "Oh, okay. "They must be back in the show. "You know, the second half
must have begun. Now's my time to get
the hell out of here." So I open the stall, open the bathroom door. I run out through the lobby,
out of the auditorium, and I see my bike, and I beeline to my bike
with my head down. I'm not looking up. I'm just going straight
to my bike. And from the corner of my eye, I see a group of kids pointing at me and laughing at me. And they're like, "That's him.
That's him. "That's the shit guy. That's him." And I realize I cannot run from the trauma
of my middle school years. It is always gonna be with me. And I get to my bike. I unlock the bike,
I jump on it, and I pedal home
as fast as I could, and I never went back
to that middle school again. [laughter]
- Yeah. - That's it.
Thanks. [cheers and applause]
That's not John Krasinski... that's some asian guy.
I do not think that is funneh.
He was also in Martin Luther King Day