- I could have had a boyfriend
named Chad or Connor or Cooper or Skylar,
some nice football player who finger-blasted me
behind the racquetball courts. [laughter] No, dude.
I was different. <i> [tense techno music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [creatures snarling] [hatch whirs] <i> ♪ </i> <i> [distorted electronic warbling]</i> <i> ♪ </i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm the host,
Ari Shaffir, and tonight the topic
is "Melee." [cheers and applause] Hells, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, a very, very good friend
of mine-- you guys will absolutely
love her. She's the host
of "Your Mom's House" podcast. Please give it up. <i> Christina Pazsitzky, everybody!</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Oh, hi, guys.
Hi. Hi. Thank you, yes.
So, um... I went to junior high school-- I grew up in
the San Fernando Valley, which is a suburb of here. - Whoo!
- And--thank you. In the late '80s, early '90s, and it was
a fucking crazy time, 'cause that's when, uh,
N.W.A. came out with "Straight Outta Compton,"
yeah? And it--that album really, like,
blew the city apart. Like, they wouldn't let you wear red or blue
to junior high school because of all
the seventh grade gangbanging that went on, right? And people are like,
"Christina, have you seen the movie
'Straight Outta Compton'?" I'm like, "Motherfuckers,
I lived that. Okay?
I ain't gonna go see that. No." And also,
around that same time, uh, was Rodney King. Poor Rodney King gets beaten up
by the LAPD in 1991. In '92, the four
piece-of-shit cops that beat him get acquitted, and--
you're, like, 12 years old. Do you even know
what I'm talking about? [laughter] He got beaten by cops, and they put the cops on trial,
and they all got acquitted. And there was this thing
called the LA riots. [whispering]
The LA riots. And it was so scary. You had to, like, you know,
lock your doors, and-- well, not me;
I lived in the suburbs. But other people did. The point is,
all that shit happens. LA is like a hotbed
of racial tension and awfulness. And it's this exact moment that the
LA Unified School District decides to embark on
a massive integration program. [laughter] I live out in the suburbs in a super, super white,
like, pretty nice school. And they decided
to bus in, like, violent gangbangers
from downtown. From where?
I don't know. From fuckin'
the awfullest neighborhoods in the world. They bused in, like,
black and Mexican-- and not--not to-- Donald Trump had it some right. Some of them were nice. Some--
[snorts] Some, I assume,
were nice people. Not these demon seeds
that were in my school. And don't get me wrong.
I'm all for integration. I'm not, like, a--a bigot. I just--
I would have preferred to have read about it later... [laughter] In a book, not, like, live through it. 'Cause it was really terrible.
It was terrible. And the worst part is,
in seventh grade, I was hard-core goth. [laughter] You guys know
what goth kids are, yeah? So goth is like... Goth is like
all the fun of being dead... [laughter] Except nobody gives a shit. Nobody cries for you. So, like, a goth kid
going to LA public school was a lot like a man wearing a summer dress
and sandals to prison. Oh, shit got real
real quick for this white girl. Dude, I had one friend
in public school-- a Mexican girl, a chola named Chula. [laughter] No shit.
We met in remedial reading. And we got along
because cholas and goth girls have the same makeup. [laughter] [snorts]
And we used to-- she taught me how to smoke
cigarettes, you know? Like, in the bathroom,
we smoked cigarettes. And she'd talk about oldies. For some reason,
cholos love oldies. "You like that song
'Angel Baby'?" I'm like, "Fuck no.
Is that The Cure? I have no idea
what you're talking about." But anyways, yeah,
her name was Chula, and she was always like,
"You know what, Christina? Our friendship is like
a blessing in the skies." [laughter] I'm like,
"That's right, girl. Way up there." So here it is,
seventh grade. I'm super, super goth. I'm in this school
that's newly integrated, and it's a nightmare. And here's the thing--
like, I'm a female comic. You got to be really,
really fucked up in your head to be a female comic,
right? It's masochistic.
It's horrible. Everyone hates us. I love it. [laughter] I love it 'cause
I'm whacked in my head. I could have been
a normal white girl. I could have had a boyfriend
named Chad or Connor or Cooper or Skylar,
some nice football player who finger-blasted me
behind the racquetball courts. [laughter] No, dude.
I was different. And I think
what changed me-- you know, you have, like,
one thing in your life that happens to you, and... [clicks tongue]
Ah-ah! It just kind of... [laughter] I got into a fight. And I got into a fight
with a black girl. [imitates record scratching]
Right. Look how weird
you fuckers got. Yeah. I'm not saying
that all black girls are amazing boxers,
because that... [laughter] That would be a stereotype,
you guys. A stereotype
that is completely fucking true. [laughs and snorts] That's what's up. MMA does not have shit
on a black girl. They will fuck you up. Even little black--
12-year-old black girls, I see them doing
double Dutch in the street; I get the fuck
across the street. No way, dude.
No way. Now, the girl
that messed with me, her name was Rosina Johnson. What? Yes, that's that bitch's
real name. Let her come find me now. So what happened is,
Rosina and I... Do you buy that? That I'm super-street?
I am. So Rosina and I
had PE together. That's physical education, something children don't have
anymore today, right? And, uh, we would change
in the locker rooms, right? And this girl
would fuck with me. Like, she would mess with me, but she did it by, like,
singing songs at me. Like, first,
it started with her just calling me
"Beetlejuice." She'd be like-- Remember, like,
that stupid movie? "Hey, Beetlejuice,
Beetlejuice! "Oh, shit, I see Beetlejuice
is coming up over here. "Beetlejuice! Oh, damn,
she look like she Beetle--" I'm like, "Yeah, I know.
I got it." But then one day,
after PE, they fucking--they used to sell
pickles for some reason. Like, you went to public school
in LA, after PE, they would sell you
the unhealthiest crap. It was, like, rock candy,
Now & Laters, and then pickles. I remember this bitch--
this bitch stole my pickle too. One day, she just took
my pickle. But what broke
the goth girl's back... [snorts]
Was... she was singing at me
one day, and I can't--I can't sing
what she sang for legal reasons,
but--I don't know. What's a popular R&B--
it's, like-- [vocalizing and scatting] ♪ Kiss my pussy
And... ♪ Why don't I fart
in your face? ♪ ♪ Fart in your face, girl ♪ You know you love
sandwiches in my ass ♪ I don't know.
So... That was the song
she sang at me. ♪ Kiss my pussy,
kiss my pussy ♪ ♪ Kiss my pu--
And she would repeat it. And I couldn't take it anymore.
You know what I'm saying? I couldn't take it anymore. You can poke the little doggie
so much, and the dog's gonna bite back. And I turn, and I stop
in the middle of her singing, and I say to her, I go, "Why don't you... shut the fuck up?" [laughter] Oh, you guys think
that was a good idea? Oh, hey,
should I try heroin? [laughter] Yeah, I hear
nothing bad happens. [laughter] Dude, this girl
was a powerful fighter. I'm gonna break it down
for you. So first of all,
very physically intimidating. She had, like, upper body--
like Michelle Obama arms. I don't know
if you've ever seen her in those strapless dresses. And she would come at me,
dude. She came at me with--
with windmills. Just bam! Bam! Bam!
Bam! Bam! Yeah, see, you were laughing
'cause you know that move. Go to worldstarhiphop.com.
You know it's real. Wham! Not only that, this girl
was a psychological warrior. She got inside of my head. And she did this
by repeating things. She would just get in my face
and just, "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! "Oh, no! Oh, no! "Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no!" "Un-uh, you don't know me!
You don't know me! "You don't know me!
You don't know me! "You don't know me!
You don't know me! "You don't know me.
You don't know me. "You don't know me.
You don't know me. "You don't know me.
You don't know me. You don't know me.
You don't--" Like, "Yes, bitch.
I don't know you. Just stop hitting me." Oh, my God. Having flashbacks. And just a word of advice, during a fight, if someone
asks you questions, do not answer the questions... they ask. Those are rhetorical.
Those are not for you. She was like,
"Oh, you think you cute?" I'm like, "I don't--I don't--
I guess I'm okay. I'm not, like, a model.
[chuckles]" "Well, somebody's about
to get fucked up." "Is that somebody me?" Ugh, so stupid. It was the dumbest decision
of my life. It was,
because the biggest comeback I had in seventh grade--
this is my biggest comeback. "So?"
That's all I had. [laughter] Dude, Rosina Johnson
would come at me with, like, haikus, fables, stories,
rhymes. This girl would have me
choked out up against a locker. Like, she choked me out
at one point in this fight-- choked me out,
and in the middle of that, stopped to bust a rhyme. This is the exact rhyme
this girl spit from seventh grade from this ass-beating
I got from her. I gonna sing it
for you now. Here we go.
It was... [chuckles and snorts]
It was, um... ♪ Talk to the hand,
it's yo' breath I can't stand ♪ ♪ I don't mean to be mean,
but you need LISTERINE ♪ ♪ Not a sip, not a swallow,
but the whole damn bottle ♪ [laughter and applause] Right.
Wow. [chuckles] You know how hard it is
to get punched in the stomach and laugh at the same time?
Like... [chuckles]
"You're a genius. Oh, you're so funny." It was--it was hard. And here's the thing, I stood up for myself. I pushed back
on Rosina Johnson. I pushed back. Yes, I got my ass kicked,
but... at the end of the year
after all of that, we were okay. A weird thing happened.
Like, we were cool. I'm not saying this bitch
was in my wedding, but I'm saying, like... [laughter] Oh, it's not like that,
but... we were okay. And at the end of the year--
true story-- at the end of the year, she even signed
my yearbook. Yeah, she wrote,
"Dear Christina, "you're a nice girl. "Stay sweet. Love, Rosina Johnson." [applause]
Yeah. That's right. That's right,
so the moral of the story is, sometimes
violence is the answer. [laughter] Thank you guys
for listening to my story. <i> [tense techno music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
that was amaze
GDI. Not available in Canada. Fuuuuuuu
Not to be a dick but this was posted here 13 days ago.