-<i>And one thing
a white girl could do</i> <i> that just blew my mind?</i> <i> She could put her hair
behind her ear.</i> That just... Oh, my God! <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [man roars] [both snarling] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [man grunting] [gunshots] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> [zombie growls] [gun cocks] [zombie growls] [gunshot] <i> ♪ </i> -<i>An absolutely hilarious comic.</i> <i> I'm so lucky
to have him here.</i> <i> You guys are gonna love him.</i> Please give it up
for Lavell Crawford, everybody. Let him hear it. <i> ♪ </i> - Hell yeah, I'll tell you
a story about me drowning. Uh, yes, I drowned.
I literally drowned. And the audience is like,
"Wow, that's amazing, "you being so large and buoyant. You--how would you drown?" Well, it was--
it was when I was smaller, if you can believe it. I was a little younger.
I was a kid. I was in this day camp
at this little day care where, you know, they--
my mom, it was free, so she put me in the day care. We up there with these little
stupid-ass kids, and we was like 11 and 12,
so he was-- I used to beat them up and take the peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches, you know, and our counselor,
she was, you know, she was--she smoked weed. She was a--
she was a whore. You know what I'm saying? She was nasty, and she didn't
know what to do with us. We didn't have no arts
and crafts or nothing. She didn't do shit with us. We just hung out, playing-- making up our own games, man-- "Kiss me, you can finger me." You know, them little-- And that got old after a while and they ran out of hand soap, so that--that-- that wasn't gonna be
a fun night, you know. You know, but I--
when I-- And this--this day camp
was in a, uh, you know,
predominantly, you know, suburb--may I say,
you know, like it is in here,
more whites than blacks, you know, and--
and I used to live in the hood, you know, and when I got
around white people, there was a lot of things
that was different. White people have season passes
to Six Flags, and they could go
a bunch of times. But the main thing was
the white girls. That threw me for a loop. I had never seen
a white girl before. I had never seen nobody named
Rebecca or Samantha or Elizabeth, you know? I--I was around Lakeeshas
and Sharondas. You know what I'm saying? You know, Chiquita, you know,
that was my girls, and when I seen Elizabeth, man,
oh, my God. She was cute,
she had red hair, and her cheeks were, like,
rosy like a cartoon, like Charlie Brown, you know. Little Charlie Brown girl you
had a crush on back in the day. Her cheeks was red. And one thing
a white girl could do that just blew my mind? She could put her hair
behind her ear. That just... Oh, my God! That was so sexy to me! I was like, holy shit! Do that again, Elizabeth. She's like, "What are you
talking about?" Oh, man, I was-- I'd break out in a cold sweat.
I could-- I was in love with her from-- from that day on. I followed her everywhere. "Please put your hair
behind your ears for me. Just for the day." "Lavell, I'm sick of
doing this for you." Oh! And--and this little--
little girl that was from my neighborhood,
her name was Shakeesha. She couldn't stand me 'cause
she loved me. She was--had a crush on me, but she was mad
'cause I liked Elizabeth. She went to the day camp too. "Why you like that little
ugly white girl? Why you like
that ugly white girl?" I said "First of all,
watch your damn mouth "around my white woman,
all right? "You're being highly
disrespectful. "Second of all, Shakeesha, can you put your hair
behind your ear? Huh?" She said, "Yeah, I can." She tried, and it popped out, and she tried again,
it popped out. I said, "I ain't got no more
fucking time for you, all right?" She said, "Let me get
some hair oil." Fuck that,
I ain't got no time! If you can't do it on your own,
you don't need to do it at all. So, one--you know, one day,
we was at day camp, and we was trying to-- we were supposed to go to a--
a--you know, go do something
with the counselor, and she couldn't find out
nothing to do, but she wanted to see
her boyfriend. I heard her on the phone
talking to him. "I'm gonna come over, Robert. "I'm gonna see
if I can get away. I'm gonna bring the kids over
and let 'em go swimming." I heard her say it,
and I was like, fuck it, I'll go swimming, if you gonna take us swimming. You know, kids love to swim,
you know. I don't--I couldn't swim.
I'm black. We don't swim.
You know, black kids don't swim. We learned later after one of
our friends died, we'd learn how to swim. You know? And we-- This is black swimming:
when we're at three feet, we walking on the water, like, whoa, look at me,
I'm swimming, player! We just go over and put
our foot on the deep-- ooh, shit,
I almost got in there! And that's how--
that's how black-- that's how
black pool parties are. We don't go in the deep shit. We jump off the diving board
close to the side and get out. If somebody try to push you,
"Bitch, I'll fuck you up, "if you push me again. Stop playing.
I just got my hair done." But we--we don't--
we don't swim. But I wanted to go,
and she said, "Hey, guys, "I'm gonna take you over
to my apartment complex, but you can't tell anybody
where we're going." 'Cause she wasn't
supposed to take us away from, you know,
the day care center. We wasn't supposed to leave
the premises, but she doing some foul shit. She said--we went over there. She didn't even watch--
she watched us for five minutes. We was unsupervised. All these 11, 12 years old,
all by ourself. And it was cool
'cause I was trying to get up on Beth anyway, so, you know,
we jump in the water. I had on my little Aquaman,
uh, swim shorts. They tight up--
a little tight up in my crotch. You know,
I'm ready to get out there and follow Beth around the pool. She was cool as long was we was
in, you know, three feet, but Beth was trying
to get away from me. Apparently she wasn't as into me
as I thought she was. But I was like,
"What's wrong, Beth? "Come on, baby. Slow down. Put your hair behind your ear
and let's talk." You know, and she kept going,
"Leave me alone," and she just started floating,
and I'm following her, you know, and I'm mesmermized
by her beauty, you know. Her--the hair behind her ears
just have me hip-- hypmatized, and I'm--
I'm following her all the way over there,
and then I noticed that I wasn't paying attention. I'm still walking
under the water, but the water
over my damn nose. But I kept walking with her. Next thing you know,
she took off like a feather. Just floating across the water,
'cause she white. They know how to swim. She swam real well,
like a damn mermaid. And I went under
the damn water. I didn't know what--
I'm under the water. Bloop!
I'm sitting around like... This is weird. Why ain't I floating like Beth? I don't know what I can do to get up on the water
like Beth, and man, this is weird, because I don't know why I can't breathe now. And I'm under there,
"This is bullshit!" I'm gonna...
[sputtering]. And I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get up, but I couldn't get up,
I couldn't get up. Next thing you know,
I've disappeared. In my mind, I was gone, and all I dreamed about
is white women just leaving me
all over the place. And when I woke up, I'm laying on
the side of the pool. The camp counselor,
she freaking out, like, "Oh, shit, I'm gonna
lose my fucking job." Fuck me.
Hell with me. She didn't care
if I was alive or not. She worried about her job
'cause she wasn't even there. She was over there, probably
doing some ungodly shit with her boyfriend, smelling like marijuana. And the paramedic's trying
to give me mouth-to-mouth, which, that woke me up, 'cause you ain't gonna put
your lips on me and I don't know you. I came through,
and I threw up. I had died--they said I was
unconscious for ten minutes. I was dead! I died! And I'm sitting there,
like, damn, I--I died? And Beth? Where is Beth? Beth's stinking ass had
went home with her parents. They had sent everybody home,
and she left me. That dirty bitch. And after that, I didn't like white girls never again. I went back to Shakeesha. I said, "Shakeesha, "I don't care if you can't put
your hair behind your ears. "Can you swim? "Fuck swimming. You gonna be my boo for life." That's my story.
[applause] <i> ♪</i>♪
