- So, I came up with three
ways how I was gonna be cool. I'm like an alien studying
human behavior, you know? Alright, this is
what they prefer. (audience laughs) (deep bass music) - Welcome to This Is Not
Happening Presents Fisticuffs. If you've never been
to the show before, this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories about
real shit that happened. Ladies and gentlemen,
my friend and yours, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani, everybody. (audience applauds) - Hey. Okay, so I'm gonna
tell this story, but there's a couple caveats. One, it's not actually, there's no actual
fisticuffs that happen. So, don't look for a
physical confrontation, it's not gonna come.
(audience laughs) 'Cause I'm physically very weak, and I'm super good
at apologizing. (audience laughs) So, I'll bring it
right to the point where it's gonna
happen, then I'm like, I'm so sorry, you're right. I'm a fucking asshole.
(audience laughs) Two, there a point in this story where you're gonna
get really sad and you're gonna feel
really bad for me. Don't. (audience laughs) We're gonna get through
it together, okay? Are we okay with that? Alright.
(audience cheers) Okay. So, I grew up in Pakistan. That's not the sad
part of the story. (audience laughs) Ha ha ha. (audience laughs) So, when I was a kid in Pakistan all I wanted to do
was be cool, you know? I wanted to be one of the
cool kids, and I just wasn't. I didn't have it, at
school I didn't have it. I went to British
schooling and how it works is you do 11 grades
in one school, then last two years you can
go to a different school, depending on your grades,
go to a different school. And I got really good grades so I got to go to
the best school. Like the rich kids' school,
the cool kids school, you know. And I remember being
like, oh, I could be, they don't know I'm not cool. I could pretend to be cool.
(audience laughs) And they're gonna think I'm
cool, this is gonna great, this is the best fucking thing
that's ever happened to me. (audience laughs) So I came up with three ways
how I was gonna be cool, okay. Way one, I was gonna
walk way slower. (audience laughs) 'Cause in my head, cool
people walked really slow and I remember once
seeing LL Cool J walking. (audience laughs) And being like, he has
the word cool in his name. And he doesn't, he's probably
never run in his life. So that'll work.
(audience laughs) I'm like an alien studying
human behavior, you know. Alright, this is
what hey prefer. (audience laughs) That's one. Two, I was gonna change my laugh to be like way smaller. It was just gonna be
like barely a laugh. Like, say something to me sir,
say anything and I'm gonna. Say anything. - [Man] You're from Pakistan. - Ha. (audience laughs) Heh.
(audience laughs) Right, super cool, right? (audience laughs) Super weird response
to what you just said. (audience laughs) Ha. Three, I was gonna be
like the insult guy. I was gonna like insult people and I was gonna be
really good at it, and they'll think I'm cool. That could go either way.
(audience laughs) so, I get to the school and
the cool kids at the school are like way cooler
than any kids I've seen. They're like the
fucking coolest! They have like great hair.
(audience laughs) The dudes wear these
chains that look awesome. And they all sit
under this tree. They all sit under this one tree and it's the greenest
tree you've ever seen. (audience laughs) I bet if you did like
math, it would be right in the center of the
school, you know. And they would sing all day.
(chuckles) They would sit there
and they would sing. And the song they
would sing was, do you remember
Informer by Snow? (audience laughs) You guys remember that song? ♪ Informer That song.
(audience laughs) By the way, that
song was a hit here but it hit us super
hard in Pakistan. It was the best fucking
song we had ever heard. It changed our lives. 'Cause this was years
after the song came out and it was still the
best fucking song. It was like the heavens
opened, the angels sang to us. ♪ Informer We were like, that's the
best song of all time. So they would sit there,
if you guys don't know, he's this white guy from Canada who sings like a black
guy from Jamaica. (audience laughs) And then on top of that, also put little Pakistani
kids singing that, so. Like, so many
appropriations happening. (audience laughs) So it was, and then
I found out also, the school, the coolness
hierarchy was based on insults. The better you are insults,
the cooler you were. I was like, that's
fucking great, that's exactly what
my whole plan was. That's great.
(audience laughs) Are you guys also into
walking really slow, 'cause I'm gonna be king. (audience laughs) And the highest
insult you could do, if you could twist someone's, take someone's words, twist
them and call them gay. (audience laughs) That was the king of insults. And listen, I know it's
horrible, I'm homophobic, I didn't start it.
(audience laughs) But when I first heard about
it, I did nothing to stop it. (audience laughs) I'm not trying to change the
world, I just wanna be cool. (audience laughs) So, I remember one time,
one of the cool kids was making fun of
me and he went by J. His last name started
with J, he went by J. And I was like,
heh, more like gay. (audience laughs) And he looked at me and
was like, you're cool. (audience laughs) The other thing at the
school was, all the new kids, they called us newcomers
and newcomers were, but I remember him walking up
to his friend, his cool friend being like, "Hey, some of these
newcomers are pretty cool." That's me, I'm one
of the cool kids! I'm almost there, alright.
(audience laughs) So, I'm sort of
enjoying, and then, somehow they figured
out I wasn't cool. Like, it just happened. (audience laughs) Like, one day I got to school and everybody looked
at me differently. Like some bulletin went out, like Kumail is not cool. And I think at this school,
I think more schools, cool is like a very
specific thing. Like you're either cool
or you're not cool. It's very specific groups. And I was not cool, suddenly.
(audience laughs) And it fucking sucked 'cause
I tasted cool, you know. I'd gotten invited
to one cool party. I got like my
cousin's cool shirt. I called someone gay,
I was doing great. (audience laughs) I never got sing Informer
with them, you know. I went back to being not cool. I became friends with this
guy, his name's Walid, so you know, I'm not lying about
this happening in Pakistan. (audience laughs) That's a fucking O-G name. His name's Walid and
he's one of those kids, you know how you have
some kids who would like, come back from summer and
suddenly they were like hot? Like this guy came
back from a summer and he became like
super handsome. (audience laughs) Like he stepped into the
Captain America machine. (audience laughs) And came out and was like,
I am ready to be cool. But he wasn't cool so now, but
the girls had crushes on him. The cool girls had crushes
on him, he could be cool. So I was like, alright, I'll
maybe use him to get cool. (audience laughs) He used to like help me, I used to help him
with his homework, he used to come over to
my house, all this stuff. One day, I'm at home
alone, bell rings. I look out the
window, it's Walid. He's like, hey, come down. I go down there and he's like, hey, come to the
end of the driveway. I'm like that's kinda weird, I
go to the end of the driveway (audience laughs) this car pulls up and
all the coolest kids in the school jump out. And I'm like, oh my god, they came to get me.
(audience laughs) I'm one of them, we're
gonna go to a party. And while I'm thinking that
is when the first egg hits me. (audience groans) And I don't, it smells so
bad, I don't even register it. The second one hits
me and I'm like, I realize what the fuck
is going on, you know. And then I look over at Walid, 'cause I think he's
gonna look like guilty or feel regret but
he's fucking laughing! (audience laughs)
He's laughing! Even Walid, even his name
sounds evil, doesn't it? Walid, like it sounds
like Warrio, you know. (audience laughs) Like there's a good version
of him somewhere called Malid but this isn't him. (audience laughs) This is Walid. So I turn around
and I start running and the eggs are
hitting me in the back and as I'm running,
I turn around, one last-ditch effort, I go, "Hey, eggs backward is
gay, are you guys gay?" (audience laughs) As if there gonna be like,
wait, did he just call us gay? (audience laughs) Stop it, you're cool, let's go! You know the lyrics to Informer? (audience laughs) That doesn't happen. I run back in, they leave, I have to come up and then
I have to clean the eggs before my parents get home. Yeah, 'cause what am I
gonna tell my parents? I go, I was working
one of my uh... Patented driveway cakes
(audience laughs) and shit got out of
control, you know. Oh, why am I crying? 'Cause the cake fucked up.
(audience laughs) I was really excited
about the driveway cake. Fucked up.
(audience laughs) I went back to school and
there were two things. One, Walid is sitting
under the tree and he's fucking singing
Informer with these guys. He got cool. I was gonna use him to get cool, he used me to get even cooler. But I would look at him and
he knew I knew his secret. The other thing, they
knew immediately. Everyone knew that
I'd gotten egged. Somehow the word had gotten
out, I'd gotten egged. And I dealt with it
very sophisticated way, they would ask me,
they would be like, hey, you got egged? I'd be like, no. I just denied it.
(audience laughs) That's what I did. Then after a little
while, they were like, oh, he's just mentally ill,
(audience laughs) let's not fuck with him anymore. So then I wasn't cool and I started having
friends and they were good, they weren't cool,
I was not cool. So this all happens years ago. I thought of this, I hadn't
thought about this in years. But I was on Facebook last week and I get a friend request. And it's fucking Walid.
(audience laughs) And all the details came
flooding back, you know. Like Captain America,
Donatello, eggs. Fucking eggs! (audience laughs) So I click on his
picture, I'm like, oh he's gonna be fat and bald. He's not, very handsome.
(audience laughs) He looks great.
(audience laughs) And then I realized, I was like, this guy taught me a
very important lesson. He taught me that it doesn't
matter if other people think you're cool, you know. What matters is, if
you think you're cool. Be yourself, don't
walk differently. Walk like you. Don't be Snow and pretend
to be someone else, be yourself.
(audience laughs) That was a very important
lesson he taught me. So I looked at his
request and I hit decline, 'cause fuck that guy. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) Thank you, that's the story. (deep bass music) - Kumail Nanjiani, everybody. One of the best
comics in Los Angeles. He's done this show a couple
times, once in Montreal, obliterated off alcohol
and he was awesome. Another time, pretty
sober in Los Angeles. Ask you to leave
me the best stories as comments on YouTube
section and you guys did. Best pranks and here are
some really good ones. There's a lot we
had to leave off 'cause of (chuckles)
legal reasons. Next week, based
on Kumail's story, why don't you tell me about
stuff you can do to be cool. Like walking slow or laughing short. Whatever it is. Leave me your tips
on how to be cool. I'll post the best ones on my
second story from this series that's coming out next week. It'll be the last
story of the run. Thank you guys for
tuning in so far. And that's it everybody,
until next week, the final week, I will
see you next Tuesday. (electronic music)
damn dude, the title makes it sound like he bombed on stage, but he didnt, he was funny
Hey Ari, are you gonna be coming back to New York to live and do stand up? If so which places?
I remember seeing Ari Shaffir when I was in 8th grade in like 2002 on my friend's computer in his basement doing this and I thought it was one of the craziest and funniest things I had ever seen. Thanks for the laughs
Kumail is funny. I went looking for that set he did at the Slipper Room in NYC where he makes fun of John Mayer for doing racist comedy about him, but I couldn't find it. Kumail is very good at getting video photage of himself taken of the internet.
thanks Ari, I really love this series. IIRC You will have Pete Holmes and Bert Kreischer tell stories, right?
I liked Kumail's delivery but it felt like a few of his jokes fell flat in this set. I'm definitely gonna look for more of his work tho!
Is this going to have a 3rd+ season? Its a highlight of my week.
This and getting doug with high are my midweek pickups. I thought the story was good kumail is solid.