r/AmITheA**Hole For Demoting My MIL's Boyfriend To Tier 2?

good day there guys haven't hit rock bottom yet but the good news is the worst is still yet to come it's your main man markians welcome back to another episode of r slash am i the ahole now if you love today's bloody genius content i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn on the barbecue or the barbie i don't really care how we say it and have a good time thank you posted by user led unusual titled am i the a-hole for making mother-in-law's boyfriend tier 2 at our wedding so we got married recently and it had to be super low budget honestly my feelings were a little hurt because when my husband's older sister got married a year ago mother-in-law and father-in-law divorced went all out but they are against us getting married because of our ages both 20 and not being done with school so they did not offer to help my parents chipped in what they could but like i said it was super low budget mother-in-law lives about two hours away and we don't see her that much she's been dating chris for nine months but we never met him she wanted to bring him to the wedding which was fine but to save money we had tier 1 and tier 2. if you were in tier 1 you could pick from an italian sausage a steak a hot dog or a burger for dinner if you were tier 2 it was just the burger or hot dog and there was only enough cake for tier 1. mother and lauren chris went up to get food and my cousin who was grilling asked what they wanted no one told them about the tears so chris asked for steak my husband overheard and explained the tears only family and a couple best friends were tier one chris was laughing but said that it was okay but mother-in-law made a big deal she called us rude and tacky three times my husband told her to stop causing a scene and chris said that it was really okay but she was clearly pissy mother-in-law texted us the next morning that our party was embarrassing and that we are tacky most of the people seemed to get that we were saving money and i didn't have any complaints father-in-law and sister-in-law agree with mother-in-law though and said that we were bad hosts op has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole it was my first time meeting chris and he does have a lot more money so i don't know if it came off as rude my mother-in-law claims that we embarrassed her but it wasn't her wedding so i don't see how if you can't afford to properly feed people at your wedding i question why exactly you're having one in the first place right here right now surely you can save money by waiting a few months or a year and be able to feed people properly as i would expect to see at a wedding i feel like that's not even an entitlement issue either that seems like an expectation that's reasonable you seem to make this all about chris as if he's causing some issues for you guys here and that your mother-in-law going off and making a big deal about it was uncalled for you set yourself up for this situation by introducing tears at a wedding it kind of comes with a territory that drama is to follow that is literally tribalism and we know humans love that stuff you're not supposed to be encouraging it further at a wedding that's your fault entirely op you're the a-hole for this one now in the comments blackmanta004 says you're the a-hole for having teared food like that at your wedding seriously so disrespectful to anyone in tier 2 yikes at least their friends and family know where they stand with the newlyweds now that's one of the nastiest and tackiest things i've ever heard of at a wedding i went to a wedding like this the married couple obviously wanted a society wedding on an elopement budget the reception was at a hotel in a venue at the bottom of the garden while the wedding party had photos done for one and a half hours we had to wait around in the sun as it is transpired non-wedding party guests weren't allowed in the hotel itself no drinks were provided then at the dinner the top table got a different meal from everyone else our food was dreadful i'm sure for the bride and groom they thought their wedding was posh and sophisticated to us mere mortals it was tacky and tedious and for all their desire to be seen as classy they just seem cheap and thoughtless the worst thing about op's wedding is that if she hadn't had steak she probably could have afforded cake for everyone else that's what i was thinking like seriously if they had just had hot dogs and hamburgers for all their guests and skipped steak then maybe they could have afforded a bigger cake it's just so weird to me to invite people to a party but not have enough food and cake for everyone honestly i'd rather just not be invited than to be told that i had to sit through a whole wedding and reception and not get any cake reddit martina 5 says you're young your older self will wonder what in the world you were thinking this just isn't done cringe worthy this kind of decision making ability is exactly why you shouldn't get married at 20. that's what i was thinking i just feel like they should have held off their wedding i mean don't have one if you can't afford it but i didn't want to say that no offense you're the a-hole you cannot treat guests like second-class citizens just do burgers and hot dogs for everyone if your budget is too low to offer everyone premium food and cake everyone deserves cake at a wedding posted by user quasi-competent titled am i the a-hole for lying to my sister-in-law about our wedding date this happened in 2018 my husband's sister is really dramatic and self-centered she has a bad reputation of making others weddings all about herself she tried to give a drunken maid of honor speech when she wasn't the maid of honor at one wedding and she wore a long white dress that looked like a wedding dress to another my husband and i think it has something to do with her resentment over not being married but regardless my wedding day was very important to me so i didn't want her to ruin it i couldn't uninvite her because of my husband and i would have gotten in a lot of trouble with his family so my husband and i hatched a plan we made all of the normal wedding invitations that said the real day to the wedding may 3rd but we made one invitation that said may 6th and sent it to her she doesn't talk much with my husband's other relatives so she never realized that the date was wrong she didn't come to the wedding because she had the wrong date and the wedding went really smoothly after the wedding we asked her why she didn't come she swore it was on may 6th but she'd thrown her invitation away so she had no proof basically we made sure that she didn't come to the wedding and it was a good thing too because she attended my husband's cousin's wedding in 2019 and stumbled into the cake and destroyed it for attention i don't regret keeping the wedding date a secret from her but my husband feels really bad because she's his sister he wants to come clean to her but i told him that would only make things worse am i the a-hole i find it hard that she's so disconnected from everyone that she didn't get any info about the wedding from either side of the family but nonetheless she didn't do anything particularly wrong in this instance you prevented her from doing anything wrong at your wedding in a way that you indirectly kept her out without having to admit to it sly as that was i don't think at this point in time telling her that you guys did it intentionally is a good idea that will just cause more trouble than it's worth but if that's what you guys gotta do then do it i guess i'm inclined to say this situation alone in a vacuum is a you're the a-hole judgment but i'm also open to everyone sucks here if we're gonna judge her on her past actions now in the comments prawn vindaloo i thought that would taste so weird says and no one ever mentioned the wedding date to her in the entire thread up to the event no one posted about it on social media no one called or texted her to coordinate plans ahead of time or to ask her where the hell she was when she didn't show up her entire involvement with her brother's wedding plans consisted of a single paper invitation yeah i'm having trouble believing that nobody on husband's side of the family said a thing to her no one not at all also may 3rd of 2018 was a thursday op replies may 3rd was the anniversary of the day that my husband and i started dating so we wanted it to be our wedding date if it matters look if you were willing to do it and i agree it was the right move you have to take it to the grave because if you tell her for the first time in her life she is not the one who started it do you know what an opportunity that would be giving it to a narcissist like that instead of her sabotaging and deliberately hurting others you did it to her so therefore she would be justified in going after you someone like that will make your lives hell until the end of time she will mess with your kids she will mess with you you will regret opening your mouth the fact that no one in your extended family mentioned it to her means that people agreed with you and we're trying to help if your husband opens his mouth now you're both going to regret it everyone sucks here your sister-in-law is the a-hole because of the way that she acts at weddings you and your husband to the a-hole because you stayed at the chew couldn't un-invite her because my husband and i would have gotten in a lot of trouble with his family but then stated that she doesn't talk much with my husband's other relatives so i highly doubt that this is the case you then took it a step further and asked her why she didn't attend and gaslight her into thinking that she was wrong i see your point but that was a really big lie it's done and you got what you wanted so it's too late to fix i think husband should never tell his sister if i was his sister and i don't think i've ruined a wedding or anything i would never talk to him again are you sure she threw it away i tend to lose things but i don't usually throw them away if she comes across it she'll show it to the whole family couldn't you have talked to his parents or enlist help from your friends or his mum i have heard of people doing this this just seems like it's just going to have to sit as a secret unless like she's an addict and stays straight for five years i would never tell her she may be a terrible guest she sounds like brooke shields mum when she drinks but giving her the wrong date i don't know it seems really more unkind than inviting her at all if you had a friend who for whatever reason did not want you at her wedding would you rather not be invited or show up on the wrong date it's like ghosting his sister not only that she probably incurred some expenses to attend a wedding she never had a chance of attending opie and her husband are cowards they should have either not invited her and told her why or invited her and put her on notice about her behavior with someone appointed to watch her and escort her out at the first sight of trouble this was just wrong no matter what way you look at it posted by user ta constellation titled am i the a-hole for refusing to honor my wife's deceased best friend in our daughter's name in january 2020 my wife's best friend died it was shocking and her death has left a hole in all our hearts it hit my wife really hard and she's still working through it in therapy a decision i support wholeheartedly i have been as supportive as possible and have taken on the vast majority of child care in the past year in order to give her a bit of a breather when she comes home from work in sickness and in health rights my wife got pregnant with our third child and third daughter our first four and second daughters 18 month old name was our dream name and had a lot of sentimental value to us i don't want to say the exact names but i feel it's important to express the vibe of the name so think alessandra eve and elodie blair elegant uncommon but not unique and easy to spell i am very into names so naming my children and even pets is something i take seriously and actively enjoy i stress that both myself and my wife were equal in naming our daughters and by no stretch of the imagination were either one of us left out my wife while also into names is less so than me her best friend was a self-claimed hippie and big into astrology around the time we were naming our daughters wife talked to my friend about names who always said there was only one name that she wanted to name her future daughter constellation v my wife now is intent on naming our daughters this name as a way to honor her friends and carry on her legacy constellation sticks out like a sore thumb v i can work with as both vivian and violet were on our list both times and v can be a nickname for either of those my wife maintains that we have already used up all girl's names sentimental to us so we can honor her friend besides she wants to primarily use the nickname stella with constellation as the legal name as it fits well enough with our daughters i disagree and even if it did i'm very against naming a child a name that you can never call them as it causes way too much confusion the last draw for me was when she told four-year-old behind my back that the baby's name is constellation i only found out when i was putting her to bed and alessandra said daddy are you looking forward to meeting constellation mommy said she's gonna be beautiful like auntie her name's funny though i was fuming as i don't like my kid being used as a tool against me and also cemented that a child can't pronounce the name and finds it funny which i believe is crucial for if you want your child to survive school i confronted my wife and she got defensive and we fought i think i may be the a-hole as i responded that she doesn't have our future daughter's best interests at heart by landing her with a stupid name and if she doesn't cooperate with finding a more suitable name i will come up with one from the list we both like when we had our daughters and register it while she is still immobile from the c-section i hate that it's come to this but a bad name can really set you back in life and it's a hill i'm prepared to die on am i the a-hole i was pretty well on your side until the end there where you decided to just drop a nuclear bomb on the situation dear god what was that opie that straight-up psycho vibes you've just given off there you're like if i can't name the child then i'll wait till my wife is paralyzed immobile she can't stop me and i won't allow that cringe name and her dead friend's honor to ever exist in this world because i have the power now i'm prepared to die before having some god damn decency or sanity like your wife isn't without sin in this situation either i don't agree with her trying to force you into a name that you aren't comfortable with and i disagree with her telling the four-year-old the child's name as a manipulation tactic knowing that they would mention it to you everyone sucks here in this situation and i want you guys to sit down and handle this one as adults and not petulant children who get mad and passive-aggressive when one doesn't get their way now in the comments blackberry beetle says everyone sucks here i was with you until you said that you'd go behind her back and write a name that you thought of while your wife recovers in a way that's just as scummy as her telling your daughter the name she wants is the name of the baby with baby names it's two yes and one no your wife needs to let this name go and think of a different one maybe you guys can compromise with constance since it kind of sounds like constellation your daughter was basically an example of how your unborn child's peers will treat her and her name your wife needs to see that however don't threaten your wife that you'll choose a name yourself you both need to think of a name that you both like or maybe just stella v like legal name is stella it's relatively uncommon easy to pronounce and still honors the friend i have good authority on my first two points as another stellar lol this kind of sounds like sailor v to me which could be annoying but probably isn't a deal breaker everyone sucks here going behind her back no no agree about names my brother was named after a french friend of my parents americans jacques it's a lovely name and boy did it get twisted jackass and jockstrap were the most common i was also given an unusual name but it became a favorite on soap operas when i was a teenager so it's pretty common now fortunately it didn't get twisted names are very important stella v sounds like it would honor your wife's friends and not traumatize the child growing up everyone sucks here her for being unreasonable and you for threatening to use her condition against her sit down and have a civilized conversation you say she was a hippie and into astrology good god you have so many options to figure out a decent name how about choosing a name of a constellation you can search about stars planets the signs in both your culture and other ones and find something you both like that would be a nice tribute to her friend and also the kid wouldn't get mocked for being called constellation something like andromeda v would work captures their naming style and is a constellation and op says that's really pretty we'll put that on the list that's great because andromeda is a constellation so hopefully your wife will be happy with that however do not write down the baby's name when your wife is unconscious she could easily prevent you from coming inside when she is giving birth and she could easily tell the nurse what she wants the name to be either way you're setting up for a lot of issues if you do this and you would be a massive a-hole if you do this and sharper view says stella a street car named desire jokes aside stella isn't a terrible name but constellation is vivien stella violet stella would be good options both parents should agree on baby names everyone sucks here endo p replies i know stella too well i had to write a dissertation on that goddamn play lol the name i'm planning on suggesting is vivian celeste which has a similar astrology feel vivienne also has a sentimental meaning to me and means life which is cool our surname as well as one of our daughters names i used fake names with a similar vibe in the post is a bit too clashy with stella and the streetcar reference is a bit of a put off as well still have cold sweats thinking about staying up all night analyzing blanche stella and stanley funnily enough my wife suggested blanche for a middle name for our second daughter but we didn't use it and op puts an update at the end of their post update apologize to my wife for my comments i can see that i was totally in the wrong i went through on why constellation v was a bad name and she agreed that it was best for both parents to be 100 on board but is still keen to have a name that sums up her friends we are reading through your suggestions she likes celeste estelle and vivienne thank you guys for your comments posted by user throwaway qjwnn titled am i the a-hole for telling my wife to calm down because my mom's just trying to help so my wife 35 female gave birth to our son a couple months ago since then she's become a zombie-like in personality and appearance i found out for the first time how bad it is to be up close to somebody who was out in the arizona heat doing errands and chores who also doesn't shower for three days straight when i try to talk to her she's always passed out in front of the tv or by our son's crib and crying when we try and go out in public together or want to go for a swim in our pool she always wears very much laundry day clothes and even when we're by the pool she just dips her feet in and wears a 10 year old sweatshirt over her swimsuits it's really killed the love tolerance and attraction between us my mom visited us today and my wife was wearing boxy old clothes that have all kinds of fluids on them my mum said the baby was sleeping right now and suggested my wife go take a shower and get into clothes that are more pleasant my wife said she's fine my mum patted her on the back and said that her hair is so stringy and that can't be good for anyone and asked when the last time she had a shower was she said that she used to always smell so good and be dressed so well and that she could make more of an effort she ended with taking care of your appearance doesn't stop when the kids come my wife got exceptionally upset and accused me of side eyeing her stretch marks when she wore her old dresses she then left the room and said she was taking a nap my mom said she sees she's not welcome right now and i told her to not be ridiculous and this was my house too and i wanted her to stay i went to where my wife was and told her that my mom wasn't exactly wrong in noticing how she's basically given up on herself and that she used to love doing and styling her previously long and shiny hair and getting compliments for it i also said that my mom was almost ready to leave and we should never make my mom feel unwelcome when she's just trying to be helpful my wife snapped that my mom could do whatever she wants and then started crying and saying that she wanted to nap am i the a-hole jesus all you talk about is how ugly your wife is and how all she does is care for your kid and she can't handle all the work that she does yet you don't seem to be offering any good solutions for her here all you care about is yourself and keeping your mother healthy and happy it seems like you've created an unhealthy dynamic between yourself and your wife like who cares what she wears who cares if she looks bad sometimes people are allowed to wear what they want partners should care about the health and well-being of their significant others not attack them for being in a slump i'd be surprised if she stays with you honestly you sound insufferable you're the a-hole now in the comments mcity moo says info how much of the child care are you doing what other support has your wife got does she have family around does she get time apart from when your child naps to do stuff because if the child is napping but no one else is watching she's still on duty who watches the baby when she showers your mother just told your wife that she wasn't doing a good job your wife sounds devastated by the changes in her body exhausted and possibly suffering from pnd perhaps she needs someone to be kind to her and opie replies my mum told me that she also had a bit of postpartum but she got through it partly by taking care of herself and making an effort to be presentable in public that's not how ppd works your mum isn't helping she needs to go this my mum said the exact same thing to me you don't know what's going through her head sometimes a simple dress up doesn't fix it this is why women are scared to say anything that's why i was scared to say anything you're the a-hole please encourage your wife to speak with a professional because this sounds like post-natal depression also do you have any idea how draining it is looking after a newborn baby appearance isn't exactly top of the priority list how much do you do to parent your child or is it that you work therefore all care is your wife's responsibility it sounds like you have no idea how tough this time is for a new mom op replies my mum also had postpartum years ago and she said having a schedule and taking pride in yourself is a great way to snap out of depressive states i'm just asking my wife to at least make herself more presentable um no get your wife to the doctor now pbd is no joke and can turn very serious you're the a-hole for not supporting your wife why can't she call the doctor herself do i have to reintroduce the concept of an iphone to her now what happens to the babies who don't cry they don't get fed same concept do you even like your wife not when she's not a hole he can stick his mother lover into oh come on info how much the child care are you doing and does your wife get a chance to shower and sleep and opie replies my wife seems to be under the impression that there's this conspiracy to mummy track her at work so i'm working a lot but yes she like everybody else can squeeze in 15 minutes for a shower i have friends who are bankers and work 80 plus hours a week and they can stay dressed to the nines and smell perfectly good did those bankers just give birth your wife is clearly suffering from ppd get some damn empathy for the woman you supposedly love opie replies bankers can't be mothers don't be obtuse we're not talking about women who go back into the workforce after having kids his comparison is not relevant because those bankers working 80 hours a week obviously didn't go from the hospital popping out a baby then right back to the office your wife just had a baby and is clearly suffering from ppd opie replies but let's be real those bankers unequivocally have less time to shower than my wife does jesus effing christ dude your wife is at serious risk of suicide and you don't seem to give an f she's severely mentally unwell and she needs your support and compassion not your judgmental a hollery it sounds like you do literally nothing to help her with the baby or the household and you clearly don't give an f about her and last two comments just because it gets worse info do you even love or care about your wife because according to your incredibly disgusting responses you only care about how effable she is i hope she divorces you that way you can keep masturbating to your mother edits you're the a-hole and one of the worst i've ever seen in this subreddit and ops reply you may not believe it but i loved her passionately in our twenties when we got married but now i just keep looking at her and feel a deep sense of disappointment that i cannot see the woman i married we've had talks about it and i just can't feel the love anymore believe me i long to be able to love her but i cannot i can't help the feelings of disgust and resentment towards her even though she had my child's i can only be polite to her by reminding me that she is the mother of my kid but as a lover it's gone i can't help it and i don't think i can hide it from her the only people i can talk about it with are some of my other guy friends but even then we're all deeply ashamed posted by user needs ad 4355 titled am i the a-hole for screaming at the teacher that has been terrorizing my son now my son 16 male takes one of the hardest subjects in the entire school i'm going to say it for obvious reasons but it is very important for his career path now the teacher who teaches this subject is a senior teacher which essentially means that unless she assaults a student to within an inch of his life she's all but untouchable from what i had heard prior to my son starting this year she's a teacher with a reputation of getting kids great grades after hearing my son and a couple of peers talk about her she is truly something different essentially if you're naturally gifted student who gets everything on the first try has lots of time and good time management skills she will love you she'll crack jokes give you special treatment like clearance for specific experiments which she won't give other students she'll allow extra time for questions from these students and is an overall angel to them however if you're a student who doesn't get everything at first glance you may as well spit in her face she will scream at you for 15 minutes for getting a question wrong she'll send you out of her class in a second for even daring to speak out of town in her class and she'll call you out in the front of the whole class constantly if you're a bad student my son is unfortunately not a great student and failed the first test not for lack of trying he's been staying up till 12 to study and we've even gotten him a tutor something which this teacher has given him crap for now she typically views tuition as a waste of money and called me into the school to tell me to stop sending him for tuition and that all she does would be enough if he simply revised and studied thing is he never really learns anything because half of the lesson in the class is spent screaming at a student of the class as a whole and the other half is spent learning if you don't understand on the first try she scares the students into not even asking her to explain it again i told her we would not be stopping him from tuition but didn't outline the reasons she kept on pushing until eventually she pushed me hard enough that i started yelling at her telling her about how my son has been coming home every day and barely eating barely sleeping surviving on coffee to simply pass her class i literally haven't seen him smile at all since he started this class and it scares me i ended up saying some not so nice things and while most of the other parents are on my side some have told me i was way out of line if the teacher truly is as much of a piece of flaming hot garbage as you make them out to be where they'll humiliate students for half the lesson to the detriment of everyone else then yeah i'm on your side for that one for them to tell you not to get extra help for your child whilst also not doing their duty as a teacher and then mentally attacking and breaking down the child they are absolutely the a-hole for that however i know your heart was in the right place when you went in talking to them through it and it seems that they did push you to where you ended there i don't think screaming at this person and unloading a litany of harsh insults like you did was the right thing to do though this probably won't get the desired outcome from the teacher that you'd expect it also doesn't look good or reflect well on you as a parent in the wider parenting community of the school i'm gonna have to go with everyone's sexier i don't condone the actions of either of you guys in this situation but i understand why it happened now in the comments right math says a lot of this reads his hyperbole i'd be interested to hear the teacher's perspective since this is written in a way to justify your actions as much as possible of course you're coming off as not the a-hole yeah you can't have it both ways op the teacher is truly something different and gets kids great grades yet no one learning anything in class because of all the yelling actually most of this makes sense if the kid is in a jee coaching class in india it's often the way that they teach and through sheer effort the children do end up getting good grades in standardized exams this is the way my uni worked as well it's known for its students getting great grades or dropping out the teaching is horrifically bad but the students bust their asses teaching themselves the material and therefore get good grades one employer i interviewed at said they loved hiring students from my uni because they're great at teaching themselves the work webby vanderquack says everyone sucks here you're both screaming but when she does it it's terrorizing and when you do it it's justice my son has been coming home every day and barely eating barely sleeping surviving on coffees to simply pass her class then take him out of that class out of the school if necessary it is very important for his career path he's 16. his physical and mental well-being are more important than his career path this isn't just about pressure from his teacher it's also about pressure from himself his parents or both i agree it sounds as if opi's son is struggling in school as it is lack of sleep and food will not help that at all will it be worth it in a few months and years time when he potentially fails his final exam meaning that all that stress and time was wasted and opie letting him survive on coffee and no sleep doesn't exactly make him look good this i'm 18 and at 16 i was struggling with anxiety and depression for various reasons whatever the reason you cannot put your son's important class before his mental health i had to delay taking important classes myself to focus on my health and you know what it's fine the teacher is not going to let your son off the hook after you yelled and insulted them you've basically beaten a dead horse posted by user fair vanilla 5626 titled am i the a-hole for planning family vacations that my sister-in-law can't afford so i come from a large family with two sisters and two brothers my younger brother got married in college and they both dropped out and moved to la to try and make the acting and singing thing work which failed by the way they now work as bartenders and do some music tutoring on the side my family has this tradition of going on a big summer and winter vacation every year we pick cool places that we want to visit and it's always a good time our kids love them however younger brother and sister-in-law can never afford these vacations and my father refuses to help him out because he's always disappointed in him this year after the pandemic ends we were planning on going to japan and iceland for our two vacations my sister and i get really excited about planning these and posted about it in our family group chat my sister-in-law talked to us about it during christmas and said that she was hurt that she could never come on these things and asked if there was some kind of way to bring the cost down for them i told her i didn't think it was very fair of her to ask my entire family and our children to get worse accommodation and lessen the quality of our vacations just to make her happy or for her to ask us to help her pay for the vacation when they already go to my parents multiple times a year because they're falling behind on rent money the rest of my family pretty much agreed with me and sister-in-law and little brother got pissed at us and went no contact again which usually lasts a couple of months till they come crawling back to my father about needing some cash am i the a-hole edits some people have been saying we should do a cheap domestic trip with them we already get together at my parents beach house for thanksgiving and christmas so i'd think that would count apart from that a lot of us work in corporates so when we do use our ptos we want to use them towards something we want not something sister-in-law can afford like yosemite national park none of us like camping and we like to travel and explore the world i don't know why we have to compromise because of her bad life decisions i don't have much to say about this one other than you sound like a terrible person and it's probably better they don't go on vacation with you they don't make as much money as you therefore they're not valuable and that makes them less than right op you must be fun at parties you're the a-hole now in the comments and alessandra says you're the a-hole this whole thing reeks of privilege wow yup and i would say a double a-hole for what op said about yosemite tender one they will visit nature preserves national parks and national wonders when they visit other places i sort of see where op is coming from here i only get two weeks off a year and i don't want to spend that time off at parks here in canada i'd much rather go to places like europe or africa i think both perspectives are valid i'm canadian and love traveling in canada but because it's actually really expensive to fly domestically and i also love exploring the world i do both what bothers me about this is that opie seems unwilling to consider that her bro and sister-in-law have made totally valid life choices that didn't work out well and is punishing them for essentially being unlucky edits to those people commenting below your positions are valid but also consider there are lots of people who have degrees and yet still fail at their chosen profession so they end up in a similar position while also being thousands of dollars in debts i agree that opie's brother and sister-in-law didn't set themselves up for success as best as they can but luck and privilege also play a lot into success i also don't think people should be punished for taking a risk and that risk not working out it's not like they're unemployed and thieving to make ends meet they just can't afford the same vacations that op wants to take and opi's attitude towards their situation is decidedly non-compassionate but is dropping out of college to go and try out acting in music in la a well-thought-out choice or an impulsive one i'd think studying your craft to become a professional at a school that you've already enrolled in even if it isn't a school known for that discipline and coming out of it with a bachelor's degree which you could use to get a better paid job if acting in music didn't pan out rights might be a better option since you'd already put in some time i guess what i'm trying to say and this goes for any field is that there's a difference between setting yourself up for success by putting in hard work and not opie's post reads as though it was impulsive and their family didn't appreciate the lack of effort that went into it gatida monster says you're the a-hole your whole family is except your younger brother and sister-in-law choosing creative careers that make them happy doesn't make them failures they're bartenders during a freaking pandemic of course they're struggling just like millions of other hard-working people you don't have to help pay for them but your refusal to choose a less expensive trip for at least one of those vacations shows that you clearly value fancy vacations over family and compassion i'd say those values are just out of whack and i'm really sorry that your poor kids are learning such selfishness from you at the expense of forming childhood memories with their aunt and uncle edits you would not be compromising because of their bad life decisions they didn't make any choosing careers that make them happy is not a bad decision you should be compromising because excluding a family member from a family vacation is a crappy thing to do this was a perfect response especially the last part it also killed me to read that part where o.p said my dad refuses to help because he's always disappointed in him i would hate to be a part of this family it was in response to op's belief that her children will somehow suffer if they go on a cheap vacation if she's for real and only 27 there is no way those kids are old enough to even understand what's happening or where they're going they would understand a cool aunt and uncle who are probably great storytellers and know a lot of fun drama games to play with them posted by user throwaway dinner dad titled am i the a-hole for making my son eat leftovers when everyone else had his favorite meal throw away because i don't want this link to my main on phone sorry for formatting so me and my wife have two kids adam and jasmine 12 and 8 years old we both came from cultures where rich people wasted a ton of food while there was people starving just around the corner so we're conscious about food waste also i've seen relatives with kids that were extremely picky eaters and it wasn't something i wanted to deal with so when adam was old enough to start being fussy about his food we introduced a new rule if you don't finish your dinner it's going to be your breakfast the next day this was mainly to get him to finish his veggies when he was old enough he started picking his own serving sizes so we weren't forcing him to eat extra we're both good cooks so he enjoys and finishes most of his meals promptly we kind of forgot about the rule for a while until jasmine started becoming fussy recently so we introduced it again to make it fair adam is also doing it last night he overserved himself and couldn't finish a lot of his food this morning my wife's family came over for breakfast pandemic guidelines allow it so she wanted to treat them and made her special french toast and homemade croissants adam's favorite meal which he got excited for but when we sat for breakfast he was shocked to find a plate full of leftovers waiting for him his face got gloomy and he ate in silence he was too full by the end to eat any of the breakfast after breakfast her parents berated us for being cruel and torturing him we defended ourselves by saying that it would be unfair on jasmine if her brother gets to avoid his leftovers but she never does now i think i could have been the a-hole because he has been really good about eating his food recently also we could have just made him finish it for lunch so read it am i the a-hole you definitely could have made him finish it for lunch yet you chose to make him suffer on this rare occasion where he could have enjoyed the food with you guys i understand everyone parents differently and they understand their children more than people on reddit can you know give general advice on but this situation it seems like you went too far obviously what's done is done and now you're questioning your decision you can always go and apologize to your kid and work to be more kind and understanding in the future what you've done here was cruel but i wouldn't go as far to say torturous i think you suck for this one and obviously your parents do too so you're the a-hole edits thanks for everyone's input don't think the judgment is official yet but already accepted that i was the a-hole in this case we said sorry to adam and he'll be getting that breakfast next week too much effort for my wife to make again any sooner we'll probably make it so you have to finish the leftovers for lunch and dinner from now on instead now in the comments drowning in spam says you're the a-hole this was a special visit and treat making a single error in portion size then punishing him is really a-holish when you say adam is usually good about it making food part of rewards and punishment is exactly how children get eating disorders this really disturbed me to read how you punished him for something so minor and ruined what should have been an enjoyable visit they didn't even need to cancel the punishment altogether they could have just postponed it to dinner if he really wanted to make sure the food got eaten this was my thought if the intention of the rule worked and there was a small mistake this concession could have been made it feels like enforcing this during a special occasion given the child's established behavior wasn't in keeping with the spirit of the rule you're the a-hole it's such an absolutely misguided and unhelpful rule to have in place honestly one that may very well lead to a lifetime of eating issues and i say this as someone who was both an extremely fussy eater as a kid and for whom punishments like the above contributed to an eating disorder hunger is a feeling humans need to learn to respond to appropriately and punishing or force feeding a child because the food you served them was too much for them is very wrong kids also often have sensory issues relating to food and much stronger taste buds kids can have extremely variable appetites often needing more during growth spurts the foods we like as children also have little bearing on the foods we like as adults there's almost nothing i won't eat now except coffee cooked carrots or ham or broccoli made me want to vomit as a kid and i remember the distress of being forced to choke them down yet i love these foods now wanting your child to eat a decent number of vegetables is a good thing but putting food they don't like on a plate and coercing them to shove it down is not going to encourage future healthy eating habits and denying your kids food they love can also lead to serious overindulgence when they do have the power to choose for themselves the right approach is to allow your kids to serve themselves a sensible helping let them figure out the right amount of food to eat for satiety instead of teaching them to clean their plates a factor contributing to obesity and struggles in knowing what is or isn't a sensible serving keep serving a range of healthy vegetables and encourage them into trying everything but don't force them to eat what they don't like and if they don't eat it sure don't immediately give them desserts maybe encourage fruit if they become hungry later but definitely don't shame them the next day by serving it up as a breakfast that's as cruel as it is pointless another good approach is to involve kids in cooking so they can learn ways to introduce vegetables and discover things they do like studies show kids who get involved with cooking and preparing their food actually eat more vegetables something else to consider for the op is that if they rescind this rule it'll help their kids to see adults fallible and that it's okay to admit it when an approach you've tried is counterproductive the ops aim is a good one eat a healthy quantity of veggies involve the kids in forming a family plan to work towards this healthy eating goal going forward edits just to make it clear too i'm definitely not suggesting it's wrong to put uneaten food away as leftovers if it's food that your child wants to eat again and wasn't hungry enough for at the time it's just not okay to do it as a punishment with all food regardless of whether they hate that food for example saying oh you didn't eat your carrots well you don't get anything else to eat until they're gone that's controlling and insane god as an adult i'd never put away something i hated the taste of just to force feed myself the same thing for breakfast and there's no gain in making your kids do this it teaches them nothing it's especially wrong to force them to eat it instead of their favorite family breakfast meal and magic tube socks of joy says you're the a-hole i grew up in a house where we couldn't leave the table until we cleaned our plates didn't matter if you weren't hungry didn't matter if it was food that you hated didn't matter if you were usually good about eating your vegetables i'm 41 now i've had a lifetime of problems with food and my weight food should never be a reward or a punishment it's just food it's not a moral or immoral thing what you did left a scar your rigidity left him feeling excluded and disappointed you're giving them a weird relationship towards food a thing they will require for the rest of their lives you could have given it to him for lunch you already know that was an a-hole thing to do posted by user am i the a-hole 9970-7763 titled am i the a-hole for no longer allowing my sister to work in my daycare after what she did hi i'm a 32 year old widow have been for three years i struggled a lot financially i didn't get help from my family because they claim they can't so i decided to start a home daycare it's been open for seven months now my friend was able to get me more clients via facebook thank goodness my business is growing and i've made quite a lot of friends who were mums and also established a good reputation since my daycare has been recommended my sister who is 26 is unemployed she hasn't found a job yet and she has to pay rent for her and her boyfriend my parents suggested i'd let her come work with me at my daycare and i accepted since she has experience in the past i agreed to let her come and earn her living she got along with the other workers and things were going fine until she came to me asking about a specific child that comes to our daycare he's four very well behaved for his age i was confused after she complained about him she said she saw his dad come over to pick him up and didn't feel comfortable when she saw him because he's a police officer and she had an unpleasant incident with the police because of something her boyfriend did that she needed therapy for and struggled a lot from she wanted me to let the child go and tell the parent to look for another daycare he usually arrives at 3pm to pick the kid up from what i understand his wife is sick i refused i have no good reason to let the child go my sister refused to drop it and started being mean to the dad it was unprofessional of her i told her to either be respectful or i won't have her work with me anymore two days ago she sent an email to the dad telling him we won't be welcoming his kid at the daycare anymore he came to talk to me and i was livid when i saw the email he asked why and talked about his kid wanting to stay because he's friends with the other kids talked about not being able to find a daycare closer than ours i lashed out at my sister and told her she's no longer able to work at the daycare because of her behavior we got into an argument and she left after saying that i was being unsupportive and inconsiderate my parents called me saying i shouldn't have kicked my sister out and now causing her to lose her apartment they argued i have no regard for my sister's trauma and i should have let the child go and support her because she's my sister everyone shamed me and claimed i had messed up priorities i felt i was in the wrong for letting her struggle now without a job but i have no reason to let go of the child as well he wears a uniform my aunt suggested that i ask him to get someone else to come and pick up his kid or at least i let her leave before 3 p.m and arrive a bit late in the morning but others would notice the difference in treatment at the daycare i understand that there are parents struggling and i do all i can to help out and be supportive yes she's my younger sister but treating people like that was unprofessional of her one thing to clarify my sister's boyfriend is in no contact with my family due to issues however they said they want to support my sister and be in contact with her and support her although they don't have a relationship with her boyfriends that's why they keep pressuring me to help and support her i honestly think if the rest of the family refuses to have a relationship with the boyfriend yet expect you to maintain one with him by proxy through your younger sister's employment then they're trying to have their cake indeed it too simply put they don't have to deal with or support the sister financially if you're the one employing her and they also don't have to have a relationship with a boyfriend because of that since he's not coming to them for money or a place to live rent free your sister is doing nothing but damaging the reputation of your business and this is something you absolutely cannot sweep under the rug if you allow this to happen where does the line get drawn with who she wants to interact with year by year please do kick her out and cut her off if necessary op yes that's harsh but you did help out ok maybe you didn't do all that you could do but there is other family members that exist out there to help those two outs for this one not the a-hole now in the comments xenovaya says not the a-hole you could have lost the whole business because of what she did and you gave her plenty of warning even if she needed therapy she was still being beyond unreasonable she could have excused herself for a break at the time the cop came to come to his kid and she'd have never needed to see him but instead she went behind your back and dwelt against her explicit instructions she got exactly what she deserves the fact she had the nerve to send an email as if she had any authority she is not an owner or partner and she way overstepped her position if any other employee pulled this stunt they would have been fired too she is not exempt just because she is your sister agreed i'm not one to believe family over everything because family doesn't always have your interest in mind she should have never sent the email to that family i'm glad the father was respectful enough to talk to you before just lashing out or even leaving bad reviews or something everyone should know that their actions have consequences she was a disrespectful loss and losing her job was the consequence i hope she learned that lesson from someone who strongly believes in police abolition you are not the a-hole while maybe your sister would not be the best person to interact directly with this particular dad she is putting her own issues on a kid for what she believes correctly or not are the sins of the father there is no reason for her to have anything against a child or to want to rescind care on the basis of her feelings towards the father's profession right i'm like i wouldn't be best friends with the father but holy hell is this sister whack while 40 percent of cops do admit to abusing their wives you cannot automatically assume that all of them do there is always that one good apple and it's like if you see signs of abuse then hell yes report it him being a cop literally changes nothing about that aspect but she's acting like he's already done something he can be a crappy cop but also not beta's children those two aren't automatically connected not the a-hole she unilaterally made a decision about your business if this person wasn't your sister there would be no argument from anyone that she should be fired unfortunately for your sister this is the consequence of her actions if you're this dependent on a job for your financial stability you don't pull stupid crap like this not just that but could the cop also sue for discrimination since the sister tried to remove the child because he was a cop could he sue yeah would it get immediately dismissed yes a cop isn't a protected class posted by user am i the a-hole trigger food titles am i the a-hole for eating a girl's trigger food in class this just happened today and i'm getting crap from some people in my class i'm female 16 in concert choir at my school i love the teacher but this class is a joke we've been working on the same song since january 5th and is still not done with the chorus we only did the chorus our teacher lets us eat in class and i eat a mix of healthy food and absolute crap in class today i was eating a bag of doritos and a girl private messaged me and said that i need to put my doritos away because she has an eating disorder and they trigger her i said no because i was hungry so she turned on a mic and said hey opie doritos are one of my trigger foods can you put your food away my teacher said that i'm fine but like half the girls in the class agreed with her that i need to put them away my teacher gave me permission to turn my camera off district policy is to keep cameras on unless you have a teacher's permission to turn it off and i thought it was a problem solved but i started getting texts and messages in the chat that i'm being a bear i told them i'm allergic to seafood so if you're eating sushi does it mean i get to tell you to stop because it makes me upset that i can't have it and they said it's different so i wanted to know if i'm the a-hole this isn't a big enough trigger in my mind to warrant putting the doritos away i understand eating disorders are no joke they are serious things but surely just not looking at the screen and ignoring someone eating doritos is much easier than imposing yourself on them and forcing them to put away their doritos to also have everyone gang up on op for doing it is just so not cool that's no i'd be pissed off personally if i got ganged up on for eating something on a video call in this context you don't get to control what other people eat in times of stress in situations like this you obviously can't control how you feel but you can control how you react to this this girl is reacting in a way that i disagree with personally and i think she's an a-hole for that plain and simple the teacher did an okay job i guess by allowing opie to turn the camera off but i don't think it really solved the problem at all this year sucks man why does this have to be a thing not the a-hole now in the comments kitp88 says not the a-hole it's unfair of her to impose her own restrictions on you no therapist would recommend that she has to learn to cope with triggers not avoid them this coming from dealing with ed myself it's surprising to me that she'd announced that to the class to begin with how are you to know previously not the a-hole adjusting to this idea of virtual classes is so odd for me why was she looking at you do you all have to stare at each other in class or anyway i don't normally comment but i did want to jump in and mention to be mindful of your analogies when defending yourself although they're being rude by continuing to badger you being allergic is not the same just trying to respect the depth of emotional and psychological issues involved people that aren't her continuing to come after you are the a-holes and you should ignore them yeah being allergic is a legitimate reason to ask someone not to have food near you because it could actually kill you not just trigger you to make bad choices but they're not near each other this is the ridiculous part they're attending classes virtually the other person can just i don't know look away rearrange her screen so that op is on a different page i'm sure a choir is big enough that there's several pages of cams going and opie says there were four pages she's attention whoring then plain and simple she could have resolved this without bringing anyone into it she just wanted everyone to pay attention to her and her need for special treatment not the a-hole as someone with disordered eating it is not someone else's issue but mine you don't get to control what other people eat that is ridiculous i don't know if what i have counts as disordered eating i have zero control over it at least but if i smell or taste cucumber or watermelon or anything in the same family i get extremely nauseous and feel horribly ill it's not an allergy but i'm almost positive it's a genetic issue i sometimes ask if people can wait with eating it until i'm gone or make arrangements for one of us to move away so i can't smell it but if they won't be nice about it i request not demand i'll take it upon myself to move out of range and if people think i'm being impolite sorry i don't want to vomit up my food i want to eat in peace but i'd never ask anyone to not eat it where i can see it especially not over chats it doesn't matter how paranoid i get about it i don't force anyone to do anything nor would i blame them if they decide to not do me a solid you do what you have to do to feel okay with something like a food aversion as in you remove yourself from the situation rather than putting it on the other person food aversions are real it would only be rude if you made an issue of it like the girl in the op did i think you handle your situation quite reasonably though if it were me i'd just remove myself from the situation posted by user am i the a-hole dress issue titled am i the a-hole for convincing my cousin not to choose a specific wedding dress because i wanted it myself i'm going to be completely upfront i may have done a despicable thing i'm 26 female getting married to my partner 28 male of seven years at the end of the year my cousin 30 female is also getting married a month after my wedding due to our weddings being close together my cousin and i have been bonding over it a few weeks ago my cousin and i went out to lunch and afterwards we decided to go to a bridal store to browse the dresses my cousin spotted a dress that she loved and i did too i've been having a tough time finding the perfect dress and this was the first dress i've come across that i could genuinely imagine myself wearing but my cousin seems to really like it and so i started saying negative things about the dress and how she'd suit a dress with straps instead of long sleeves etc i succeeded in convincing her that the dress wasn't for her and a week later i went back to the store with my sister and best friends to try the dress on and well i ended up picking it as my wedding dress i highly doubt that she will remember the dress by the time my wedding day comes around so i didn't expect any drama to occur two days ago my cousin messaged me excitedly to tell me that she finally chose her wedding dress and well it's the exact same dress from the store that i chose i had no choice but to tell her that i got the dress as well she was confused because she thought that i hated the dress so i told her the truth that i only lied because i wanted the dress for myself and now she's pissed off and she's calling me a snake i am stressing out i don't want to wear the same wedding gown as my cousin and now my cousin is so mad at me i guess i can see why i might be the villain here but on the other hand i wanted the dress it's in my price range and it's the exact style that i was looking for i was simply trying to protect my dream wedding dress and i don't think i'm a bad person for that am i the a-hole if it makes you feel any better op i think you are a bad person for that because this was an absolutely disingenuous thing to do you knew what you were doing and why you were doing it how did you not think your cousin would be mad if she hadn't picked the dress and then saw you wearing it at your wedding you obviously are incredibly short-sighted if you didn't think that one through at all go get some help opie and i think she's right in calling you a snake you're the a-hole now in the comments yuki davidji says you're the a-hole she found a dress she loved for her wedding her wearing that dress for her wedding doesn't mean you can't wear it for yours but you tried to manipulate her because you had to be the only one with that dress you decided to be selfish and steer someone away from something they really really loved because you had to be one thousand percent special newsflash the dress wasn't custom made other brides were wearing it at their weddings it's not just your dress and your selfish manipulation caused all this drama but opie's wedding is special so i'm sure no other bride will wear the same dress and to be honest very few people are going to remember the specifics of the wedding dress the only wedding dress i recall from someone's wedding was before the pandemic my friend had a lime green wedding dress every other white dress that has lace and a veil look the same to me i might notice that it has sleeves or that it's puffy but unless the dress is really unusual or has some outstanding feature no one really gives an f i mean opie sank her relationship with her cousin over a dress that people really aren't going to be paying attention to and for pictures she probably won't look at after a couple months people put a lot of effort into their weddings thinking that it's going to be the highlight of their relationship and then they end up alienating a whole bunch of people over stupid crap like this plus opie is getting married first so even if the dresses were identical they would cop first so the cousin would be copying if someone were to be a jerk about that sort of thing their cousins getting married a month apart you can pretend people won't notice it's the same dress but they will that said opie shouldn't have lied about it and been straight up with her cousin that she wanted the dress too i can guarantee that the cousin would have noticed it was the same dress and then the crap would have hit the fan which is why you don't lie about it you tell your cousin hey i like that dress as well how would you feel about us both getting the same dress darcy knits says you're the a-hole because you lied you didn't have the courage to say i love it too and would really like it for my wedding heck you guys could have had a bonding moment and decided to both wear the same dress after all it's not like your wedding pictures are going to be hanging next to each other and it's kind of cute but now you're just the a-hole who chose to lie to your cousin so you could have what you wanted two of my cousins wore the same dress to prom not the same design but the actual same dress they went to different schools so one of them wore it and then it was sent to the other a few alterations for fits and she wore it a few weeks later they both looked stunning it was a dress that neither could have afforded on their own and they still think it's just about the cutest thing ever obviously opie i don't think you should literally wear the same actual dress with your cousin though i mean you could have i guess but you could have shared or at the very least you could have been honest posted by user through a wii 22678 titled am i the a-hole for laughing at my friend for buying my girlfriend flowers on valentine's day so i'm a senior in high school and i've been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half i have a very close-knit friend group of four other guys the one the story is about i'll call jake and i'll call my girlfriend jen during the first two years of high school jake had a huge crush on jen he even took her to homecoming freshman year jen is part of a friend group that we were sort of tight with during the first couple years so all of our group is decent friends with jen and her friends jen and jake remained good friends but she never had any feelings for him other than just friends so although jake tried multiple times to have a relationship with her she wasn't having it jen and i hit it off during a party and started dating shortly after i feel bad doing it to jake but it's not like i stole her from him he liked her but she had no feelings for him back i didn't think jack had any reason to oppose our relationship and he has been civil for the most part over the weekend jen called me and told me that jake dropped her off some flowers for valentine's day i understand he likes her and he does struggle to meet women but this seemed over the line like i was insulted that one of my best friends thought that he should buy my girlfriend flowers i texted in our group chat lol next time you buy someone else's girlfriend flowers for valentine's day make sure she doesn't tell her boyfriends everyone laughed and he was embarrassed he called another guy in the chat and told him that i was a dick and i don't know how hard it is to watch one of your best friends date the girl that you've loved since eighth grade was i an a-hole edit all this is jen thanks for the interest in our situation opie showed this to me and i thought i'd weigh in jake and i have known each other since we were little i wished i did like him sometimes but you can't force yourself to like someone i have grown to realize that he will probably always have this little crush i think a lot of you are getting this idea that he's some crazy creeper who pushes boundaries he really doesn't he's asked me out and told me his feelings but he's never been an a-hole to me this thing with the flowers is the only time he's done something like this and i want to chalk it up to a lapse in judgment it didn't bother me immensely but opie was a bit more annoyed i told him to handle it how he wanted and i immediately told jake that i would be telling op when he asked me not to hope this helps turning the phone back to op i'm gonna have to go with not the a-hole for that one then he knew that you were in a relationship with jen and yet he continued to push that boundary regardless she even told him what was going to happen with op and jake still has the audacity to be offended by it this is definitely a time where it's fine to call someone out in a group chat that's not socially acceptable behavior by jake and he deserves to feel embarrassed by it my advice to jake would be to take this hit move on and find someone that actually wants to date him the alternative has proven to not have worked time and time again this is just a waste of time man so yeah not the a-hole given the context now in the comments saint elvis says everyone sucks here valentine's day sure is crap ain't a holiday for unrecorded love and come on when is embarrassing a friend in a group setting ever not an a-hole move okay i'm gonna say this jake is a huge a-hole jen told him no to a relationship and jake is not respecting her saying no i bet this isn't the first time jake has tried to get jen to say yes to a relationship jake is turning himself into the nice guy internet trope and needs to be called out on it when a girl or boy says no to being in a relationship that is the final word yeah it seems like jake had it coming maybe now that he faced some consequences for his crappy behavior he'll leave jen alone everyone sucks here because you messaged him publicly but he embarrassed himself by buying her them he sounds creepy to be honest not taking the hint i think it is a tad creepy to do what he did he even told her not to tell me about it yeah really inappropriate agreed however now when he thinks about the situation he feels embarrassed and defensive so he'll never be able to realize the error of his ways the more effective approach would be privately addressing him firmly enough to prove the seriousness of his inappropriate behavior but not belittling him so he has a reason to feel like a victim instead of being forced to face his misdeeds endop replies i understand this i suppose if i talked to him one-on-one it would have come off a lot more serious he might just double down now people like jake never believe they're in the wrong normally i'd say everyone's suckier but i think calling him out publicly is the only thing that will get him to back off he was probably going to make jen increasingly uncomfortable so hopefully the public shaming saved her or the next girl he was going to play nice guy with you were definitely not the a-hole but your friend is a creep so hopefully he learned his lesson by seeing that it's not just you and jen but everyone who agrees he's acting improperly not the a-hole maybe you shouldn't have called him out publicly but buying flowers for someone else's girlfriend is out of line posted by user throwaway evb titled am i the a-hole for yelling at my daughter for speaking ill of the dead so my daughters 19 female stepmother 31 died a week ago she wanted to spend her last days at home and when we knew the end was near my daughter and i went into the room where she was laying my daughter and her stepmom have had a contentious relationship throughout the years and she had left the house at 19 telling her stepmother how much she hated her because we had asked her to pay for college by herself however when my stepmother got sick there was a brief period where both she and her stepmother seemed pretty open to forgiving each other for whatever they felt that the other had done to offend each other my wife had also said that she hopes my daughter can go to college eventually my daughter was away working as a waitress in another town but when the end seemed near she ended up asking her friends to cover her shifts and drove back to our house their initial greeting with each other seemed pleasant but then my wife fell asleep and my daughter went to her room then a week ago doctors said that she could go at any time my daughter and i ended up going to her stepmom's room and when my daughter went to reach for her stepmother's hand her stepmother moved her hand away then her stepmother said to me where is my daughter i want to see my daughter when my daughter tried to say something my wife shook her head and said i don't want you here my daughter walked out and i brought my other younger daughter five in to see her mother when i went to see my daughter later she said she acknowledged that her stepmom was probably in a lot of pain my wife died the next morning my entire spirit is broken and planning a burial the way she would have wanted and being with my five-year-old has been the only thing that's kept me alive after the small funeral we had i let my daughter go over to my late wife's sister's home the rest of the people from my family gathered to talk including my older daughter we were talking about how much my wife had to look forward to and how badly we feel for my daughter my older daughter suddenly snapped and stood up saying can we just get out what everyone except my dad is feeling she was a complete and utterly awful person who has done so much to make each of your lives miserable are we going to continue to pretend that she's a saint now that she's gone i flipped out and told my daughter she could leave my house if she wants to continue speaking ill of the dead and that i couldn't think of anything lower than speaking about someone who can't defend themselves so she should settle her anger towards my wife on her own my daughter ended up packing up her things and saying that she was leaving my relatives all got mad at me and asked if i was making talking about what kind of person my late life was to boo forever i told them that i didn't want to hear of it especially when we just buried her am i the a-hole opie has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole for the scale of my reaction however i had just buried the love of my life and my daughter knew that this was inappropriate i feel like you're leaving out a lot of the parts of this story where your wife did things to your daughter to earn the reputation she has amongst your family it sticks out like if they're asking about you making speaking about her taboo forever even as she's just been buried i can't imagine the things she's done to have that be her legacy i know you're grieving hero p but you have to look at the bigger picture and not deny this reality your daughter has a right to express her emotions to her family and you shutting her down and getting rid of her would just be repeating the abuse she's already endured from your wife this seems like an easy you're the a-hole hero p now in the comments coffee and pizza rolls says my five-year-old has been the only thing that's kept me alive this is the statement that cements my opinion that you're the a-hole everyone else could see that your wife sucked she probably emotionally abused your oldest daughter and you clearly don't care about your oldest because you excluded her in the things that keep you alive during this horrible time don't speak ill of the dead is just a cheap cop-out your wife sucked and so do you there are some dead who deserve to be spoken ilove based on the title i thought this was going to be about the latest crab rave inspiration you're the a-hole you conveniently left out your own age and when you got together with her but looking at the age differences between your wife and your older daughter i'm gonna guess you're a lot older than your wife so tell me how wrong i am about this you probably left your first wife for a much younger woman then allowed that younger woman to show clear favoritism against your older daughter so you basically traded your first wife and family for a shiny new wife and family and expected your older daughter to just be okay with it the wife was only 12 years older than the older daughter meaning that the wife was a senior in high school when the daughter was in kindergarten that just lets you know that opie is at least twice his late wife's age you're the a-hole you married a woman you were allowed to mistreat your daughter and you showed obvious favoritism for your daughter that you shared with her i'm sorry for your loss but it doesn't make you less of an a-hole in this situation you didn't really answer the question was she a bad person put aside the hand thing at the end those who have spent time with a dying person know they are often not the person they knew their brain is deteriorating and they are not as aware of or is in control of what they are saying and i hope you explained this to your daughter why did she blame the stepmom for a decision that you made as a couple regarding college did you set your daughter straight on that her stepmother said the schools in our district are bad so why pay for an adult to go to college when we could invest in a private education for our young daughter horrible display of favoritism so basically your wife was a terrible person and was likely terrible to other people and you allowed it you dismissed your older daughter in favor of the younger one and your wife and have now kicked your older daughter out for being unwilling to play the game at a memorial where everyone but you agreed that your wife was not a nice person you're the a-hole kids over spouses kids over spiteful mean second spouses if you can't manage that then don't have kids also it's considered bad form to make someone out to be a good person when they weren't after they died everyone knows the truth they can feel bad for your younger child because that was her mother without buying into a lie posted by user throwatan titled would i be the a-hole for not allowing my sister to stay with me my sister is 18 and i'm 22 male this goes back to when i was 18. my parents told me on my 17th birthday that at 18 they were kicking me out i thought they were joking and didn't take it seriously i had nothing lined up when i was 18 i had no jobs i had no plans for school sure enough when i was 18 my stuff was packed and i was kicked i was moving from friend to friend and at one point i slept on the street when i was 21 i finally got my life together and now i live in a kind of crappy apartment but at least i have a home my sister was 14 when i left and thought that this was the funniest thing to ever happen she thought it was so funny watching me try to figure out what to do she thought it was so funny hearing about me living on the street it was all one big joke to her when she was 17 i contacted her and told her to get a job or do something so you wouldn't have to end up like me she didn't take it seriously now she's 18 and is in the process of packing her stuff and she asked if she could stay with me and i'm considering telling her no for not taking my advice and thinking all of this is funny would i be the a-hole for telling her no technically wouldn't be an a-hole because it's somewhat deserved i guess after she laughed at you for so long and she should have seen the writing on the wall for four years straight although you'll probably get a lot of flack from people regardless for not taking in your sister after she got kicked to the curb by your parents when you technically have the ability to look after her your parents sound like god damn [ __ ] for doing that to you though sure they housed you for all that time and your adults at 18. but are you really i didn't feel like an adult when i turned 18 i wouldn't be able to support myself even when i worked at mcdonald's part-time i feel like your parents knew your personal situations and just threw you to the wolves anyways and that is so god damn heartless of them sure you wouldn't be the a-hole to say no to her in this situation but i don't think you should do that just because you can personally i would have a little bit of empathy for her now in the comments woodland of weir says not the a-hole you did try to warn her and she didn't take your advice i do feel sorry for both you and your sister however what a crap thing from your parents to do to the both of you keep in mind that your sister was 14 when she laughed at you and she was also heavily influenced by your abusive parents back then you were not morally required to do so but maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive her and be there for her in some small way while still looking out for yourself and your mental health right ah these effing parents men like if you want to kick your kids out at 18 i have zero beef with that they're adults but ffs it needs to be perfectly clear to the kids that it's happening and you need to actually prepare them to go beyond their own i have beef with that how do they kick out their kid the second they become an adult if you hate your kids so much why did you even have them 100 an 18 year old might legally be an adult but they are not emotionally or mentally if i'd have been kicked out on the streets at 18 i'd have died this isn't the 40s where 18 year olds are likely to have stable well-paying jobs and can afford rent and bills 18 year olds are lucky if they have a job at all anyone who'd do this to their kids without knowing they have the means to support themselves probably shouldn't have had kids in the first place and opie replies i feel like the only reason i would let her stay with me is so she doesn't die for me the problem wasn't that i was scared of anybody on the streets or afraid of being kidnapped it was about figuring out what am i gonna eat and drink then how do i get a job without a house and clean clothes luckily i figured something out but i don't think she's gonna be as lucky yeah but you're male hell i'm scared of dudes on the street and i have somewhere to live she'd certainly be at higher risk of being targeted for certain crimes as a homeless girl i've experienced some of those crimes and wouldn't wish them on anyone even if she did laugh at you as a crappy teenager not to say that you should let her move in with you but you could at least help her arrange something else and dopey replies yes i'm a male i shouldn't have said it like that because i'm not a badass when i first became homeless i was afraid but i had to get over it you could tell i was 18 because i still looked like a kid so i thought people would target me after about the first week i would say i wasn't afraid anymore did people target me yes did i worry about being targeted no i was still worrying about what i'm gonna do about being homeless after a certain point i just stopped caring about certain possibilities not the a-hole the real a-holes here are your parents for kicking out their children once they hit the apparently magic age of 18. when i was 18 i had no understanding of the real world and no idea of how to go about getting a job or securing an apartment i can't imagine what i would have done if i had been in your place and airplane adapters says not the a-hole however i would urge you to take the high road and let her stay but only if she agrees to pay rent if not i wouldn't let her stay the only reason i say this is that she's family who's been forced into the same position by your parents as you were all those years ago yes she was a bit of a dick laughing at you for all those years and ignoring your advice but she deserves a chance to redeem herself via helping to pay for stuff just my opinion as i'm a random internet stranger who doesn't know much about your position this that way she's not mooching off you gets a job and figures out how to adults it would help you pay bills while giving your sister a chance if it doesn't work out then at least you know you did what you could and now on to the update ok so here's the update because some people have been asking my sister finished packing her stuff like a day after my post she asked if she could stay with me because she doesn't have a place to go after reading what you guys said i told her no from what i've read the majority said that i wouldn't be an a-hole if i didn't let her stay she started apologizing and begging for me to let her stay i repeated no and that should have been the end i tried to forget about it but i just keep thinking about it throughout the day at about 7 pm i tried to just go to sleep and forget about it i couldn't what you guys said about her being assaulted and with her crying i couldn't let her stay on the street so to make a long story short i found her it was depressing watching her just walk down the street knowing she wasn't going anywhere i told her she could stay with me for a while i feel like i made the right decision and hopefully things will get better so that's pretty much the summary of everything she's working on getting a job hopefully we can live somewhere better if she gets one now in the comments ron frickin swanson says do yourself both a favor and completely cut your parents out of your lives they do not deserve your love affection or your financial support when they get older to hell with both of them right opie is a good sibling heck just a normal sibling to care if his 18 year old sister is homeless on the street in the winter and a pandemic might get sick freeze be assaulted hungry etc her own parents don't care it was the right thing to do op's sister being on the streets is a very different thing than he as a male the chance of her ending up in the sex trade was really high with a roof over her head in a safe place finding a job and helping pay her own way they can finally start rebuilding their relationship one that doesn't include their appalling parents good luck to the both of them you made the right choice your sister was a child being taught bad life lessons so long as she can now see that what she thought was so funny is in fact a harsh reality then some lenience from you shows a high amount of empathy and maturity on your part you went through hell quite frankly no one should ever have to worry about clean water food and shelter those are the basic needs for survival you did more for your sister in this action than your parents ever did if no one else tells you know that i am proud of you and opie replies thanks it means more than you know no problem i'm a big sister and you are a perfect example of what it means to be the better person i can only hope others learn from your example and with each one that does our world gets a little bit better i'm so glad this is what you did but i don't get after reading what you guys said i told her no from my skimming the most popular answers were all you wouldn't be the a-hole but you should let her in glad opie eventually figured out that not being the a-hole isn't the standard for being a decent human being just a lower bound for it the fact that neither kid had anything lined up when they were kicked out tells me that even if kicked him out at 18 weren't reprehensible the parents most certainly did not prepare them for the independence they enforced they failed as parents long before anyone hit 18. the most shocking part is definitely not that they kicked their kids out but that they didn't prepare them i don't like the idea of parents kicking kids out at 18 either but my stepdad told my younger brother that he would be on his own at 18 at 15 and helped him get a job set up a bank account and save money etc starting at 16. didn't just toss him out on his ass and he knows he'll always have a safe place to stay with me if he needs it but damn these parents really made one offhanded comment then tossed their kid out posted by user pretend panda titled am i the a-hole for not moving to help my brother and sister-in-law with neurodivergent nephew so i am the lone childless adult in my generation of a large family and i live within easy driving distance of five siblings with spouses and kids the youngest six old boys are doing remote school for my house they are four five boy 5r 6 b and 7 e they're bright and curious and i've been having a great time here is the am i the a-hole part the parents of 5r asked me to move in with them 5r is neurodivergent i had no idea about any of this before sunday night and really struggled with preschool they were referred to a major academic medical center and given a sucky prognosis he's got an iep and ot and all kinds of everything but since world events he hasn't had any prescribed therapies or enrichment since school started back up at my house he is normalized he's reading and writing and mathing and will not stay in the house while anyone practices a stringed instrument which turns out to be a great time for feeding the chickens they took him for a re-evaluation last week and were told that whatever they had done was important and needed to continue fiverr told the evaluator he wanted to come live with me because it is quiet there are many books on the floor and there's a gecko it is robotic sort of we boys and i have a deal about the gecko and its environment based on how school things go i don't want to move i'm disabled physically my house is adapted and i value the independence i have my brother and sister-in-law's house is not adapted nor is it easily adaptable multi-story lots of single step up and down room thresholds i get along well with this sister-in-law but three of my other sister-in-laws two stepmothers and all four of my sisters do not so the current ammo of visitors wouldn't work i told them that i didn't want to move for the reasons above and that i thought we needed to give 5r a while and we can revisit any time they said that was a good working plan and i believe my sister-in-law when she says that's good with her she is super direct and very clear about her wants and expectations so who is not chill my sister-in-law's family and friends who are all over everything yelling at and about me and my outrageous selfishness depriving a fragile child of love and support also bizarrely my mom who adores 5r and is just frantic that he have all the intervention and every other opportunity ever now right now now now i don't care about my sister-in-law's family but my mom chiming in gives me pause it's plausible to me that not having had young children or struggled with getting a neuro-divergent child to a healthy adulthood my perspective is inadequate and i'm making a selfish and destructive choice so am i the a-hole for not making plans to move which would require construction and turmoil and create lots of adult relationship tension and instead seeing how things go well that was a mouthful and a half i think you've laid clear all the facts of the situation the fact that both you and the parents agree on a suitable and dynamic plan together should be all you need it's so stupid that friends and family keep coming into situations like this needlessly expressing their concerns for families and children that aren't theirs you have every right to react the way you have because you can see it's a ridiculous thing to blow up about but perhaps you're not seeing it the right way i've got to say you're spot on the money here and everyone else is crazy it's not okay for them to be reacting the way they are to this situation and putting so many expectations on you whilst not actually liking you from what i read you really only have a good relationship with the family you're helping and not with any of these people attacking you you would have to like get out of the property during their visits and avoid them since it doesn't seem like in-person interaction is very much a thing upending your life like that is so needless and would definitely be more trouble than it's worth not the a-hole ignore them op now in the comments princess of perky says not the a-hole i think you're being so generous having them do remote school at your house but in no way are you remotely obligated to move in with them endo p replies they are so much fun it is ridiculously fun i think it's because i'm not the parent and i'm not the teacher so i get to just think about what is the most engaging way for this particular small human to absorb this information and then do it with them and they get along very well and try to help each other plus their schedules and the school materials are so strange that i do not know how the actual employed parents are surviving not the a-hole it's highly probable that if you did move this child would no longer get the enrichment because the environment and expectations would change the quietness at your home sounds like it differs from his home environment how would moving his activities to a noisy environment change his response the chickens would they come too i'm guessing no also what about his peers at your home are they going to begin academic activities at this nay place too my point is therapy helps a lot of children because it isolates them from distractions and focuses on them environment can cause effectiveness to vary it is a ridiculous request in demand from grown adults who have access to therapies etc that you move for their convenience especially when professionals did not specifically recommend that routes they said to keep up what has changed and well this child's normal is now visiting your home for school so don't change that for the time being jack burton says not the a-hole 5r likes your home and wants to live with you it's quiet with lots of books him spending more time with you would make more sense edited because i found the sentence specifically asking op to move in with them i think they're missing the point to be honest they can try to imitate your home but you moving wouldn't create the same space not the a-hole even a little bit part of the charm of your house to 5r is that it's your house if 5r is flourishing under your guidance they should be doing what they can to recreate your space and vibe in their own house and continue doing what you are doing that has helped so far who knows maybe the change of moving would make things work not as well or maybe it's in part having cousins around that have assisted in the current progress if it ain't broke don't fix it and now on to the update this is not exactly exciting but it has been meaningful for us i called my mom and told her she was not welcome to visit or call while the boys are having school here especially because she's making a lot of drama and prioritizing what will make her feel better about fiverr over what he has asked for and what his parents who really love their kids and do a damn good job and their trusted professionals are advising i set this limit because of feedback i got in the comments and a couple of dms and for the first time in recorded history my mum apologized to my brother and sister-in-law specifically for being disrespectful and thoughtless of their parenting choices and shooting her mouth off in a way that made a difficult situation harder my brother sister-in-law five 5r and i had a conference call with the team that did his evaluation to talk about what we should be focusing on and how best to work on his schoolwork and they said to take cues from him and to not get into a pattern of him getting overstimulated because then he would be less able to self-regulate in other ways and it was like watching comprehension fireworks go off for my brother and sister-in-law so that was very great this call was made because of a specific comment and it has been a big deal for fiverr and his family huge i do not think life-changing is an understatement my sister-in-law has gone no contact with her family because she considers all the social media stuff they did to be really overstepping petty and mean and doesn't want her kids to think that it's okay in the family to try to bully by humiliation we had a big meeting with fiverr all the other cousins and all the parents the result is 5r is now staying at my house sunday monday and thursday nights he has his own room and he refers to this as one bed for each butt cheek which is almost certainly stolen from an older brother or cousin and starting in 2021 every fourth weekend all the cousins are sleeping over friday and saturday nights it will be absolute havoc so thanks again people of am i the a-hole your thoughtfulness has been really valuable to us and in the comments total hotel 9721 says i'm so glad you're helping out these kids and for once this isn't to cut off ties with the entitled family scenario i'm having so much fun we're so lucky we can do this in a way that works for everyone and it is truly a great time also thanks to you for giving the parents two nights off every fourth weekend you very likely have contributed to their marriage staying together having a special needs child can be unbelievably overwhelming and never getting a break because you cannot find safe care for the child can absolutely destroy even the strongest marriage [Music] every fourth weekend at your house will be crazy and i'm insanely jealous lol my god children used to come for weekends before they got all adults they still come and bring their significant others which i love but the pure joy of crazy fun kids is indescribable there are 22 cousins between 4 to 16 years old so it's going to be insane they are all coming over next week tuesday and wednesday to make cookies and decorations for the bird trees and also build a track in the trees for something i do not want to know about at all this sounds like the sort of childhood experience you remember and talk about all your life in other words someone is definitely chopping onions around here brilliant opie brilliant my cousins slash second cousins and i do cousin camp cousins and second cousins from all the way up in seattle down to san diego and we all get together for a week in the summer my mum and her cousins did it and stayed close all their lives so we started doing it too and opie replies see that's wonderful i did not have cousins but many siblings of all varieties and my dad firmly believes that relationships are cemented by common experience so we traveled in packs large unruly inquisitive packs we are all still pretty close even if on terrible terms in the moment we come through for each other i am hoping that will go on for the cousins they certainly seem on track for it posted by user just call me phil35 titled am i the a-hole for not telling people my missing cousin is staying with me right away it is the middle of the night and my phone won't stop ringing because of my family to try and keep this short my cousin jake got outed about four or five days before his 18th birthday in the summer his parents my aunt and uncle made arrangements for him to be sent to one of those awful camps that claimed they could cure him a kid in his community was forced to go and came back and was clearly not well so jake didn't want to go jake ran away from home and jumped from one family house to another his folks didn't file a missing person reports because they didn't want to look bad to their neighbors they just told them that he went to that camp willingly he disappeared in the middle of october and turned up in my city a week later after making sure that he was safe to bring home my wife and i allowed him to stay he didn't want me to tell the rest of the family for a while because those people at the camp keep showing up to take him i made sure to talk to a lawyer who assured jake that they cannot take him three days ago he told his parents he was there a few hours later those damn camp people showed up but they were unable to take him my family has been blowing up my phone for the last two days angry that i didn't tell someone sooner well jake didn't feel safe yet and still doesn't i wanted to make sure that he was ready still even those that want to protect jake are upset with me for hiding him am i the ahol for not telling anyone that he is here until he was ready i'm struggling to comprehend how you think you're the a-hole for protecting him from such insane parents like that that are convinced those camps are a good thing i understand how everyone thinking he's dead or missing and you lying by omission is a bad thing here but i think it was fine given the context jake didn't feel safe yet and still doesn't he obviously didn't feel safe with the family when the camp stuff was forced on him and no one else came to help him out surely they all knew what was going on like their fears and concerns for jake's disappearing is warranted but that doesn't change the fact that it seems like a lot of them are complicit in this that makes them in my mind inherently the a-holes in this situation keep protecting jake opie not the a-hole and op puts an edit saying wow thank you for all the awards i don't deserve them but thanks since i'm drinking coffee and slowly going through the comments i thought i should say a few things first off while i figured i wasn't the a-hole for hiding him from my more narrow-minded family it was those that really wanted to help jake that made me feel guilty they were all scared out of their minds and wanted the peace to know that he was okay i felt bad for not telling them though i am sure they wouldn't have turned him in i felt bad because we were working on keeping him safe also we got a lawyer who got the police on the lookout for those camp people in case they try anything jake is not going out alone until we are sure he is safe third we're looking on how to get his paperwork like his birth certificate here because no way he trusts his parents to just hand them over my granny and law is talking to some people that could help fourth jake says hello and thank you oh and we're catholic not christian we're our own special type of jackasses edits once again okay you're right about the catholic christian thing i was raised to split hairs i apologize now in the comments sliced nugget says not the a-hole but weird that you'd think you'd be an a-hole for protecting him from those screwed-up conversion camps keep protecting him stick to it man make sure he knows he has a safe place to stay with you family guilting can be a weird and strong thing but yeah definitely not the a-hole oh that's true i didn't even think of that part since i'm looking from an outside perspective my bad op just remember you're doing the right thing for your cousin by keeping him safe i think the part that messed op up the most was the guilt trips from family that wanted his cousin protected from the conversion camp people when you have people who have the same view but are supportive of the opposition it can really make a mess of your thoughts on right and wrong op not the a-hole not the a-hole screw those people screw homophobes that think being gay is something that needs to be cured in the first place screw people that think parents have any right to do that to their kids good on you for protecting him not to get all political but i'm gonna the 11th circuit court of appeals ruled that conversion therapy is somehow protected by the first amendment i can't even roll my eyes hot enough it should be called what it is torture then screw the 11th circuit court of appeals too you need to call the police since the camp people are trying to kidnap him they know he doesn't want to go but keep showing up he needs a restraining order on these people this is very sinister if the camp people show up again call the police take pictures document everything ask jake to write down every time they've come to get him and if there's other witnesses you're not the a-hole in fact you're a saint to protect jake from his clearly dangerous family and even took him to a lawyer jake didn't and doesn't feel safe because he clearly isn't there is a cultish organization following him and trying to kidnap him jake clearly can't trust the rest of the family so please keep supporting him until he gets on his feet he should file one against his parents asap these camp people aren't above kidnapping him the first chance they get it's been done many times he needs a paper trail leading to his parents so if he gets snatched the police have a viable lead that would be best too they don't have his best interests at heart at all who knows what they're capable of it's best that they know as little as possible about jake's whereabouts and now on to the update first off i want to say thank you to everyone for their comments and advice thank you for saying i was not the a-hole because i was doubting myself regarding the camp people we have footage of them coming up to our house and other family members houses looking for jake so we have a clear image of what they look like i already warned those people not to come near our house or jake and they seem to listen but jake is still not going to leave the house without someone i talk to the police about it and they cannot do anything unless these people break the law but they will keep an eye out well better than nothing i guess regarding the paperwork my aunt and uncle refused to hand over the papers they want jake to either come home or go with those people neither is happening we're looking up ways to get jake's paperwork without them but someone suggested calling the police and explaining what happens while i don't usually want to go that far that is what we are probably going to have to do regarding therapy jake agreed to it i'm getting a referral from my own therapist so jake is going to get help there regarding family some family threatened to come over to try and make jake go back home others while understanding why i didn't tell them jake was here are still upset with me it'll be a while before i can smooth things over with them regarding jake he is safe we have him set up comfortably here my granny in law pretty much adopted him and i'm so sure she's going to put him in her will he is safe surrounded by people that support him and i'm going to see about finding him some work when he's ready to try it and again thank you everyone for your messages and advice we will be using them and jake says thank you all as well now in the comments tribalmog says if you're in the states and jake is over 18 he can get his birth certificate and social reissued you should have a local government office that can do so my husband lost his at some point and we had to get his reissued also as someone who also acquired a family member due to parental intolerance of their gender identity you're doing good we got threatened with various legal actions but it was all hot air since there was no actual basis so good luck to you all it might be a bit trickier if jake doesn't have a state issued id or driver's license yet but it can be done start off with the social security office call them explain the circumstances and ask what you can bring to establish identity for him to request a new card he will have to go in person to do this do not pay any websites for this service as they are fraudulent depending on what states you may be able to order the birth certificate online with both of those things you ought to be able to get a state id and license since i didn't see the suggestion in either here or in the original post you and your cousin should be on guard against identity theft from his parents while this is certainly a secondary consideration his parents may go all vindictive and try to f up his life to force him to come back to them or they may just want to get revenge or make the ludicrous claim that since he abandoned them he owes them money and they are entitled to take it out in his name his parents have all of the necessary information to create new credit accounts and the like for him then run up huge bills once you get his id situation set make sure that there are potential fraud alerts at all of the credit agencies change passwords and the like use two-factor authentication set up bank and brokerage accounts are places that his parents don't use etc you may want to check with a domestic violence shelter for advice about this since they will have seen this sort of thing before brian krebs a noted computer security journalist has a good online guide that i can recommend posted by user ama service dog titled am i the a-hole for telling my boyfriend to stop teasing our dog so last night my boyfriend and i were laying down in bed every night he gives our dog a treat for whatever reason he felt the need to tease her about it he set the treat on his chest she's my service dog so she knows she's not allowed to just snatch a treat and run she sniffed at it a few times and then laid down watching him attentively he then moved it to the side of the bed waiting for her to jump off to try and get it before putting it back on his chest she came back into the bed and laid down watching him closely he did this another time before i told him that he was being mean and to just give her the treat he said she was fine and they were playing i told him i was worried he was going to teach her bad habits like snatching the treat etc and to just give it to her he was annoyed but he gave it to her today he is still annoyed saying he felt like it was my way or the highway and that he feels like he can't play with her anymore that he can't disagree with me about her because she is my service dog i still don't think i did anything wrong i didn't yell or snap at him no she wasn't frustrated when i told him to give her the treat but i would prefer that she isn't pushed to that level of frustration he kept saying he wouldn't have it wasn't even as long as i made it sound to be he really likes to tease and push at boundaries i can be controlling especially when it comes to her well-being and training because she is my literal lifeline he's super annoyed i'm super annoyed and i'd appreciate outside perspective am i the a-hole how does he not understand that he's acting like such a child in this circumstance it's not a normal pet dog where it's fine for them to have some bad habits if the family is okay with it like i see it all the time in my personal experience whether that's morally okay or not is up to you i guess or up to that family but in this situation he has no legs to stand on it isn't his dog he doesn't pay for it or train it and he doesn't rely on it to keep him alive he's doing opie a massive disservice by teaching at these habits and then getting up op for telling him off obviously op knows their dog better than his boyfriend's why does he insist to keep this bitterness going just so he can get his way i fully support that he was open and honest about his feelings and being annoyed he didn't bottle that up and to let it become more passive aggressive resentment so that's thumbs up but he went looking for an answer and he got it if he refuses to change his attitude to that situation now that opie has shut him down then he's an [ __ ] for that plain and simple not the a-hole op now in the comments coffee hobgoblin says not the a-hole service dogs are crazy expensive to train and i would be upset if my boyfriend wasn't respecting that the relationship is service dog and protectee needs to be the top priority that relationship needs to be maintained above his as a regular dog human relationship with the dog this is one boundary that i think you are well within your rights to hold furmon op replies i've definitely played games with her where she's not allowed to take a treat this helps prevent her from picking up food when she's working unsanitary and potentially dangerous if she were to eat something toxic but i always reward her once she shows restraint as this encourages the restraints he didn't offer her a reward just was amused by her eager attention doesn't matter your dog and a service dog no less his attempt to frame this as your way or the highway is despicable not his decision by any stretch of the imagination 100 not the a-hole he can't disagree with you she's not his pet she is a medical necessity for you what you say goes bottom line you need to set a firm boundary and if you can't respect it he can get the hell out i can be controlling especially when it comes to her well-being and training because she is my literal lifeline it sounds to me like that's what you're meant to do not the a-hole i don't get why the boyfriend thinks he has a say in this and now on to the update so i spoke with my therapist about it and she reinforced the not the a-hole judgement i was given i tried to talk to my boyfriend about it and he got very defensive about how he didn't do anything wrong a week later he was playing video games he turned around took the toy she was playing with and turned back to his game i knew he would hold it until he died in his game so i asked him to give it back he wasn't even watching her body language to see if she was upset by it and said are we really gonna do this again i told him no but was seething a few days later i asked him to discuss it with his therapist his therapist gave him some tools on how to discuss it with me his therapist also suggested that he no longer should be involved with our dog in any capacity our conversation last night basically devolved into me yelling at him about how he screwed with my service dog's training and how scary that is for me i can't function without her he kept insisting he didn't mess her training i was able to calm down enough to explain how what he did could mess with her training he pretty much said he didn't want to be involved with her training to which i explained every time a person interacts with a dog trains them he shot back with fine if she wants a treat i'll just give it to her i'll just throw the ball and not play games with her this created a new argument where i told him we weren't resolving the issue and he was just deflecting so he didn't have to deal with it i also began to shut down at the idea that he didn't want to be involved with my dog anymore she adores him he realized i was shutting down and begins to ask why i explained how upsetting it was to hear he didn't want to be involved with the other most important part of my life he explained he would still love her and be affectionate but he didn't feel comfortable with any of the things that might he continued to pull me out of my shutdown with jokes and reassurances this is an established request from me this morning he called me from work apologizing profusely he told me i was right i had criticized him and it caused him to lash out because he didn't want to be vulnerable he said he was sorry once he got home he apologized again we discussed healthier ways for us to communicate in the future to avoid us triggering each other he was surprised i was willing to forgive him and grateful that i push him to face his issues everyone has issues but he's willing to work on his it's not my job to fix him but to call him out when he starts bs he has to do the work and he does the same for me thank you for the reassurances everyone now in the comments static says i had criticized him and it caused him to lash out because he didn't want to be vulnerable it's not that i'm an a-hole it's that i have emotional issues that prevent me from being vulnerable let's talk about my feelings instead of yours you know that book about abusive partners why does he do that that's always linked in this sub last weekend i actually read it out of interest 75 of it was stuff i already knew because it was paraphrased often on the sub and other relationship subs i did learn a couple of new things one is that an abusive man might make himself seem like a deeply troubled man with mysterious complicated motivations and behaviors especially if he's the type that's not a macho caveman but a sensitive feminist guy fights will turn into him and his issues which sounds alright he gets deep into psychobabble and therapy it sounds positive especially when he admits that he has some sort of problem maybe because his mummy didn't hug him enough or his daddy didn't let him express his emotions except it's a smoke screen to hide the simple truth he controls you on purpose because it gives him a benefit i'm not qualified in any way to say that your man is abusive but i would say watch out for the apology that's actually an excuse that focuses the conversation away from how vulnerable you felt and towards his vulnerability where he says fine then i won't play with a dog at all since i can't do anything right i must be a horrible person and then it turns into you comforting him and telling him he's not bad he's good you know i watched someone have a service dog placement terminated because their partner persisted in stroking and playing with the dog and distracting it after the dog had been given commands by the intended owner disabled person it went on for two weeks the trainer ots pt's the disabled person all asked the partner not to play with or distract the service dog the partner did a gorgeous southern smile and nod and at the end of the two weeks the trainer came to the gym without the dog and very politely and calmly notified the client their partner the family the social worker pt and doty that the client had been removed from their list and blacklisted all of their references had been notified and told why this had happened and their information had been shared with all other mobility service dog organizations so any service animal they wanted going forward they would need to obtain and train privately the entire gym probably 15 other patients families ot and pt teams were silent and aghast service dogs are working animals their training costs a bomb they have shortish working lives and those of us who rely on them know they are medical necessities you know who else knows and respects that people who love us people who like us and want us to be safe and happy i'm tentatively glad that your boyfriend got it in the end but i would not put money on him retaining it or the dog reaching its potential i would be ecstatic to be wrong please thumb your nose at me in a year if i am g'day there guys and that's the end of today's episode i do hope you enjoyed it and who are entertained by today's bloody good content as always i want to do a quick shout out and a thank you to all my channel members and patreon subscribers your beautiful faces and names will be up on screen right now haven't forgot about you guys sorry i was taking a little break there so yeah if you see yourself give yourself a pat on the back if you want to be on this screen there's links down in the description below where you can sign up and help support the channel and all future projects that i'm going to be doing on this one with all that said i hope you guys have an amazing day night sleep whatever you're up to i'll see in the next episode and i do hope you enjoy it thank you

Channel: Markee

Views: 10,953

Rating: 4.8656716 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: xjXF4HMIyBs

Length: 132min 52sec (7972 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 16 2021