r/AmITheA**Hole For Not Telling My Wife I Had Agreed To Be A Guardian Before We Even Met?

g'day there guys why does this just feel like 2020 part two it's your main man marky and welcome back to another episode of r slash am i the a-hole now if you love today's ear noise i would love you to sit back to relax chug a prawn on the barbie and enjoy today's bloody good content thank you posted by user roy rairo titled am i the a-hole for not telling my wife that i had agreed to be a guardian before we even met i've always said that i didn't want kids of my own however i became very close with my niece's nephew i babysat them and they've spent weekends with me when they were little my brother and sister-in-law asked me to be their guardian should anything happen to them i agreed because they are truly the only kids i could see myself raising niece is now 11 years old and nephew is 10 years old i got married three years ago and my wife felt the same as me about not having kids she's very good to my niece and nephew however i never told her about what i agreed to with my brother and sister-in-law last year my sister-in-law passed quite unexpectedly it's been very hard on my brother my wife and i have been helping him out a lot last week my brother sat us down and said he was updating his own will he got a sizeable life insurance policy from sister-in-law's death and he's put most of it into trusts for the kids he wanted us to be in charge of the trusts in the event of his passing we agreed then my brother mentioned adding my wife as guardian in the will as we never did that my wife was confused and i told her that before we even met i had agreed to be the kids guardian she got all freaked out and started saying we agreed on no kids this wasn't no kids etc this started upsetting my brother as he worried his kids wouldn't have anyone to raise them we are literally the only options i told my brother that i'd talk to my wife about it she's pretty pissed that i never told her this before i told her it shouldn't matter would she really let the kids be orphaned if their dad died i said my brother dying probably isn't going to happen before they're 18. she pointed out we didn't think sister-in-law would either she basically relented and said she'd become guardian but i'd be doing all the work with them i called her selfish for viewing my niece and nephew as a burden now we're barely talking my friend has told me that i'm being an ass and i can't be surprised at my wife's reaction upon further reflection i wonder if he's right am i the a-hole rp has given the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole upon further reflection i can see i might be an a-hole for thinking someone who didn't want kids would automatically be okay with raising my niece and nephew at the very least i might be the a-hole for not telling her i had agreed to it i think that yeah you really do suck for this one you understand your wife better than any of us reading and listening to your story so you definitely were aware that she'd have this reaction upon hearing the news it seems like you gambled on the fact that her having to be surprised by it and facing the reality of a close family member passing away would suddenly change her mind and she'd be cool with taking the kids under her wing while to some that may seem heartless that she would stick to her guns and not raise those kids when you say there is literally no other choice i disagree she made it crystal clear what her intentions boundaries and deal breakers are for this relationship you don't get to be offended that she's sticking to those boundaries nor does it give you the right to react to the way you have and attack her for those boundaries you're the a-hole op it's clear this isn't going to work now in the comments obeakrider says you're the a-hole you tried to strong-arm her to something she'd never agreed on here's the proper way during the dating process you say i do not want to have children she says great me neither wear a match i have this deal with my brother what kind of deal and then you proceed to explain the deal then your future wife could have made an informed decision whether she stays with you instead now the problem snowballed to a much bigger problem what else is he withholding from me exactly wife's position no kids ever husband's position two very specific kids at a random point in time i i mean no kids opie why would your wife ever assume that you would take these kids in when the agreement your marriage is based on is no kids you assumed that just because you had these values that your wife would help raise these kids but you hid these values from your wife and never even allowed her to express that she does not share these values you failed to consider your wife's feelings on the matter you changed the terms of your marriage that you entered into deceitfully and you're calling her selfish truth and why on earth would op want to put these kids in a situation to be around a person who clearly doesn't want them to the degree she refuses to be involved none of this is fair to the kids the wife or the brother you're the a-hole your wife is right this should have come up and is a deal breaker you can decide this for yourself but you cannot make this decision for her your argument is weak at best i feel so bad for the wife this news would have felt like a slap in her face i'm a child free woman the rage this would cause me is unexplainable honestly a lie as emissions are still lies about a fundamental compatibility issue like that would be divorce worthy for me what else has he lied about what else does he just assume she'll roll over and do his bidding on and striking firefly says you're the a-hole you knew how she felt about kids and to say it shouldn't have mattered really of course it matters to some people i'm not saying you shouldn't have agreed to be guardian but your wife should have had all the information so that if she married you and you guys ended up with these kids it was a choice she knowingly made or maybe she wouldn't have married you if she had known and that should have been her choice to make you owe her an apology both for not telling her and for how you called her selfish and tried to play this off like it was no big deal and someone suggested a few comments ago to just read the replies from op so i'm gonna do that i feel like we don't really need some context for some of these there really are no other options to take the kids if my brother dies our other siblings are not going to step up and take them we have no parents sister-in-law's parents are elderly and in a nursing home i'm the only choice but you're right in that i never told her because i didn't think it would happen and if it did she'd be on board basically after the few first dates as we got serious she made a comment about not wanting kids i said i didn't either though i was pretty close with all of my nieces and nephews not just the ones from this sibling she was cool with that but i can see how i probably should have mentioned the deal if that's how it'll be so be it they deserve someone to love them and if she's unwilling and selfish fine and i just wanted to wrap this post up with the update that opie put in the post wow you guys have been loud and clear i was an a-hole to those wishing my marriage would fall apart congratulations wife left this morning posted by user throwaway wnsnd titled am i the a-hole for yelling at my daughter for asking a very personal question first i'd like to say that in my defense i thought my partner put her up to it basically i 46 male have been with my partner 45 female for about 20 years after our daughter 13 female was born i realized that i didn't know a lot of things but the one thing i did know is that marriage wasn't something i wanted with my partner i just feel like you meet so many interesting people over your life and have the chance to take a myriad of different paths and to give up that mindset in exchange for a bunch of governments so-called safeguards was not worth it at least from my perspective i felt like i was committed to the maximum i would want to be committed to my current partner in context of how we feel about each other my partner unfortunately despite initially accepting my beliefs later started nagging me on or off about it she's been out of the workforce for 10 years because she lost two jobs due to what doctors later discovered was a condition called adenomyosis in which endometrial tissue grew inside of her uterine walls she burned a lot of bridges because she was unable to remain conscious at her desk and her bosses thought she was just lazy recently she started nagging me again because she said she's been trying to get work again with no response to any of her hundred applications and that apparently terrifies her her parents have also begged me to marry her so she won't have to worry about what they believe will be an eventual midlife crisis anyway my daughter goes to an episcopal middle school the community there is kind of insular and gossipy and everyone seems to have an opinion about everybody else my daughter came up to me on friday very upset she asked me point blank why i didn't want to marry her mother and if i would leave her and her mum for a new family i could not believe her mum stooped that low on the marriage question so i blew up saying she had no right to get involved with adult business and that i had the right to do what i agreed to with her mom my partner denies setting our daughter up for this after speaking more with my daughter she said that some of the girls at school said they overheard their parents saying that i would marry her if i wanted to but he doesn't want to also that he does want to get married just not to her i didn't expect my marital status to be a topic of scorn and conversation but apparently it was i feel bad for assuming the worst but am i the a-hole for also believing that my daughter shouldn't be nosy about adult business either way i feel like my partner's attitudes about this topic is rubbing off on our daughter nonetheless and wish they'd realize this family situation is great ops offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole for jumping to the worst conclusion but to be fair to me my partner has been dropping very conspicuous hints of wanting a ring all the time i may have slightly been on your side here if you'd given me actual legitimate reasons that keeping the relationship where it's at is the best option for you guys but it's apparent it's only a good option for you you want to meet so many interesting people and take a myriad of different paths that is so incredibly vague that my first conclusion was that you wanted an excuse to flirt with a bunch of different women without being burdened by the presence of a ring or the guilt of its emission your other major point is that your wife is suffering a medical condition that's kept her out of work for 10 years what about that makes you not want to marry her you've not made that part clear it's fine for people in this life not to get married and just be in 20 plus year relationships without their commitment with government paperwork yes but what's not fine is that your wife has changed her mind and you continue to be an [ __ ] about it to her and not take her feelings into account you've instead chosen to take your emotions out on your daughter who just wants to understand what's going on instead of dealing with the issue with the therapist like you should have in what universe are you not the a-hole op you're the a-hole now in the comments jackalope78 says you're the a-hole did you seriously think that your daughter would never even think about why her parents aren't married when she attends a religious school she's 13 and then instead of going that's a personal question what makes you bring that up you went full meltdown to a young teenager gross on a young teenager who's more likely than not being bullied or questioned or mocked by her probably religious teachers or classmates because her parents aren't married her father refuses to talk about the topic other than saying that he wants to keep his options open to leave his wife if he digs someone else and who was sent to a religious school where such non-family-oriented ideals directly contrast with what she's being taught as the norm at school hopping in to say people gave me a boatload of crap at school when my parents were going through a divorce for reference i went to a private catholic school also private religious schools tend to be fairly small being shocked that everything is gossiped about is naive on opie's part it's like small town mentality i heard my classmate's parents talk about my parents i got mocked by fellow peers not a fun time you're the a-hole you're the a-hole quote she had no right to get involved with adult business and that i had the right to do what i agreed to do with her mom end quotes it's her business too jesus f in christ men this is your daughter expressing concern for the stability of her home life and your response is to blow up at her and frankly the over-the-top defensiveness about the possibility of leaving in the future kind of speaks volumes he won't get married because he wants the option to leave everybody's gossiping parents at school are on point how extremely wrong of him to accuse his daughter and partner of being manipulative liars with zero proof this family situation is great to say you seem to be the only one in your family that thinks that your daughter was gonna ask questions one day about the family dynamic it's her family it's her business she clearly seems to think that you might abandon her one day i'm sure yelling at her to stay out of your life is the perfect way to alleviate those fears why feel the need to yell at her unless you're ashamed of how she might see you from now on you're the a-hole edits never mind i'm canadian the us has different rules on common law aren't you guys in a common law union at this point more or less legally the same as a marriage with all of its government safeguards honestly having a child is more of a commitment and government safeguard than getting married posted by user throw away snenz titled am i the a-hole for asking my step-daughter to drive her mom to chemo i felt bad for asking this right now it's been three weeks since my wife has begun chemotherapy for her cancer and it's been hell for all of our family but especially for me because i have to wake up to see clumps of her hair on the pillow in the shower on our bathroom counter ever since she first got diagnosed and was told she had to do chemo i have been very supportive but after that first time when she screamed at me in the car saying my car stinks and to pull over to buy her some water even though we'd be home in half an hour i've been feeling like all she does is find things to criticize me about my wife continues to be much nicer to her daughter than she is to me even when she's in one of her moods now every time i think about driving her the 30 minutes to see her oncologists i am filled with dread i am filled with hatred and resentment for the situation and also towards my wife for making me feel useless and thoroughly unappreciated my mother is also getting older and the time my wife is scheduled for chemo and the care that needs to be given to her before and after keeps me from seeing her i sat down with my wife and stepdaughter who's 16 at dinner yesterday and told them bluntly that neither of them was stupid and we could all feel the tension in the house and that they obviously work better with each other so i asked my stepdaughter if she would be okay with driving her mother to chemo on friday and the times after i said i felt i'd be more useful if i wasn't around and my mother and my son who is in college haven't seen me in a while my wife started crying and my stepdaughter angrily said she'd drive her if this was such a big deal am i the a-hole rp has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i guess more tact would have been helpful i thought if i talked to both of them openly and honestly we could start setting expectations better so i can stop being on the other end of complaints that i disappoint expectations i know everyone deals with grief and extreme situations like this one differently and in their own unique ways but unfortunately however the hell you're choosing to go about this one is so wrong on so many levels i can't believe you exist instead of supporting your wife you've chosen to see her struggles as a personal attack and delimiting your own personal freedoms in time like do you even care about this woman you've married and promised to keep and protect you care more about seeing your mother than your dying wife you blame her chemo appointments for keeping you from visiting your mother there's absolutely no excuse for that behavior that's frankly sickening that you would find that an issue apparently so much so that you've palmed off all responsibility you may have to your 16 year old daughter i'm at a loss for words and fail to see how anyone here is the a-hole but you you're the a-hole now in the comments grim is tired says you're the a-hole you just don't want to take care of your sick wife do you not remember your vows in sickness and in health pretty sure it's especially difficult for the sick person must be hard for her to find out she married such a colossal a-hole now of all times you're the a-hole god he had to see her hair on the pillow and stop and get her water once so you know it's only fair right you're the a-hole this whole post is me me me this whole situation is especially bad for you because you have to see hair clumps what about the woman actually losing her hair and no wonder she's crabby she's probably pretty scared and chemo is likely making her feel crappy you in turn need to find respective support groups or therapists instead of you trying to escape dealing with the situation this his comment about the hair clumps especially pissed me off like how the f do you think your wife feels about losing the hair god you're the a-hole and you're the a-hole chemo makes people very sick to their stomach and the least little scent will cause her to vomit also chemo is notorious for dry mouth your wife is sick so either be a man and help her or divorce her she doesn't need you in her life my mom had such a sensitive nose when she was going through chemo i had to start buying scent-free everything if i planned on visiting her that week i remember once i walked past someone with a heavy perfume before visiting my mum and getting sent home because the perfume smell lingered on me though i never smelled it then i remember her being on some medication that wouldn't let her sleep like at all my stepdad was asking her where she moved x items for months afterwards but my stepdad did everything for her without a single complaint he drove her to chemo or the hospital he helped her with her bloody noses and cleaned up her vomit he shaved her head when her hair began to fall out he went above and beyond for her without even a single thought i think there was only one time when he asked me to drive her to chemo and it was due to an important meeting with a client that was coming from china or some crap tried paying me for gas and everything but i was happy to help out was only so much i could do since i had a newborn around the same time posted by user unfairfunny3424 titled am i the a-hole for moving out after my sister wanted to triple my rent due to dad cutting me off my sister is two years younger than me i took a gap year meaning that when i was in my first year of university she was applying for her own unis and courses my sister liked a university about 20 minutes away from mine she missed out on holes and rent in the area is expensive so dad said that if i found a flat that could suit the both of us he would pay for half of the overall rent and my sister and i could pay a quarter each rent in the area on a two bedroom starts at around one thousand pounds per month so this was a bargain i found a flat and my sister and i have been living together since september 2019. i'm now finishing up my third year of university i've been dating my boyfriend for a year my boyfriend is a transgender man i didn't tell my dad because he has expressed transphobic views previously and it's not his business my boyfriend is on t for testosterone and it's administered via injection my sister found his kit and questioned us on why there was a case containing vials and needles in the flat we told her the truth saying she can't tell dad dad rang me a week later calling my boyfriend a [ __ ] and saying he won't pay to put a roof over a dike's head so my sister and i are on our own and paying for the flats my sister swears she didn't tell him frankly i'm not sure i believe her i told my sister that i could pay 500 pounds a month so if she can come up with the other 500 pounds we would continue living here she says she can't do 500 pounds as she's only budgeted for 250 pounds per month and that because i'm the one that got us into this i should be paying 750 pounds i said i can't do 750 and that it's fair that we pay half each she said she shouldn't have to pay more because of my issue and maintained that i should pay 7.50 things got worse and worse at the flats with the rent deadline getting closer and my sister insisting that i should pay 750 and not backing down as things got worse there i started spending more time at my boyfriend's place a few days ago he asked me to move in with him and i agreed i've already paid 500 pounds of rent for february and my boyfriend and i found a studio flat within our budget that will let us move in in march my sister and i are renting on a monthly contract so i have the option to just not renew it i've told my sister what my plan is and she is furious says i've screwed her over because she's now got less than three weeks to sort herself out she can't afford the full 1000 pound per month alone and dad isn't willing to help her because he's convinced she knew my boyfriend was trans and hid it from him even just flat shares in the area started about 600 pounds well over double what she's budgeted all she can afford right now is petrol for the drive home well over three hours away she says i'm being unfair selfish and cruel and that i'm intentionally having her over am i the a-hole info dad lives over three hours away with my mom and other sister my boyfriend is not openly transgender and dad has met him and has no idea he was trans before this dad has also not entered the flat in months so he couldn't have snooped around and found the tea on his own there's a possibility that my sister told her mother or other sister who then told dad so my sister didn't tell him herself but was still the source of the information there's no logical scenario that i can come up with where my sister wasn't involved somehow to me that seems like the most likely case that she either did tell him or a string of people and it led to him finding out via your sister tipping off the family with that information i think it's unacceptable that she shared that information without your permission and now refuses to own up to it and instead put the onus on you to fix the problems she's caused sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up to do and mirrors to look into and ask herself what the bloody hell is wrong with her for doing such a thing she absolutely knows your father is transphobic and it sounds like she shares the same sentiment if she refuses to apologize for her actions here if i were uop i would cut off connection for a while from these people and i just continue on with life and work on yourself from here on out go back to them when they decide to take their heads out of their own asses she got herself into this mess she's the a-hole here and she can figure out how to get herself out of it you though are not the a-hole here now in the comments little flamingo 352 says maybe she should have kept her mouth shut then not the a-hole she caused the mess knowing what your dad is like and she still ran and told him really impressed with how confident that sis was that she would get her way here when she was the one who screwed op over and opie had a different place to stay how did she not see this coming i guess short-sightedness doesn't always have to do with your eyesight sure glad the hole is in that side of the boat and not mine not the a-hole there's exactly 100 chance your sister told your dad about your boyfriends she was the only other family member who knew about it she made her own bed let her lie in it well for one that's not how statistics works but also it seems weird that if her sister did tell her dad he's now mad at her too edits to be clear opie is not the a-hole and her sister is most likely how it got out i was being a bit facetious about the way the person phrased it at the end of the day even if it wasn't your sister who told your dad it really doesn't matter you can't afford to stay there and your dad has made it so she can't either none of that is your fault transphobes aren't exactly the most rational of people her sister could have easily told someone else who told the dad she may not have intended to let it slip but gossiped she still doesn't deserve any kind of pity she knew how homo-transphobic her family is and she just spills all the beans nope this is an extremely childish behavior only she's not a child and her gossip majorly screwed her sister possibly for life and octopus god says not the a-hole it makes no difference that your dad cuts you off or why that happens and it makes no difference whether she told him or not fact is you've always paid half of the rent each because a third party covered the rest now that third party isn't paying i cannot fathom a reason why the 50 50 arrangement should change she had a chance to get on board and pay her share this is exactly right your father's transphobia your sister's selfishness none of it is really important to the issue and if your sister assumed you'd just pony up the dough because reasons perhaps this reality check will educate her future choices not the a-hole exactly she could have paid 500 which is totally fair but she refused her not being able to find and afford a new place or pay the full 1000 could have been avoided all because of her own selfishness she could have won not shared sister's boyfriend's info to anyone or two agreed to pay half the biggest a-hole is bigoted dad but sister is too for sharing op's boyfriend's business with others and then refusing to compromise and then getting mad that it all blew up in her face posted by user agreeable river 73 40 titles would i be the a-hole for calling cps on my sister because i disagree with how she's raising her daughter making a long story short here the day after christmas my 16 year old niece emma called me sobbing begging to come live with me she said her house was a prison and her parents wouldn't let her be happy anymore we talked for a while and what she told me was confirmed as true by my sister when i talk to her emma has always had lopsided grades with a's in english and history but season d is in maths and science this time last year she was diagnosed with adhd which i knew because i was diagnosed a few years ago and my sister called me to ask my opinion on how well non-medication treatments worked since her husband was adamantly opposed to letting emma take what her doctor prescribed for fear of her becoming addicted medication and intuitive living has always worked best for me but when i was pregnant with my kids and couldn't take meds i got by with the recommended adhd diet and exercise regime and a good routine it turns out my brother-in-law has taken that into hyperdrive and gone full prison guard on emma's life in order to get her grades up she has a strict routine that only includes school studying exercise and family meal times she's not allowed any contact with friends outside of school and eats a special diet that doesn't include dairy caffeine or sweets of any kind everything distracting has been taken out of her room including all of her books and beloved paintings by my late mother her science and math grades have come up to bees which my brother-in-law insists that means the routine is working but still can't be eased up on yet since she hasn't come to her full potential the incident that triggered her phone call she stole her brother's phone while he was sleeping because she's not allowed a phone or unsupervised computer time was her being banned from celebrating christmas by the family since it would be a deviation from her routine i feel like this has fallen into awful territory and has only gone on for so long due to the current craziness i got my sister on the phone and she broke down crying saying that she's begged her husband to ease up but that openly instituting a lighter set of rules or telling emma to ignore him will absolutely lead to a divorce she said she's weighed her options and since her husband would definitely get 50 50 custody of the kids sparing a divorce to get emma out of brother-in-law's rules half the time for the next two and a half years of high school isn't worth the kids being in a broken home and losing her kids half the time especially with the other two still just 13 and 10. she said she'd work on him but according to my nephew my brother-in-law has been even harder on emma since he found out we talked i think cps and the school need to be aware of this but my dad said it's not against the law to be strict and my husband says i would be wasting resources calling them since it's not serious enough for the courts to get involved i just don't know what else to do i feel like cps could at least get emma real treatment i don't honestly know the family dynamic well enough or whether cps will actually solve anything in this family op from what i've read they're often ineffective in actually solving issues but if you believe this is the right call in this situation i believe you wouldn't be the a-hole something is better than nothing and that sounds to me like genuinely abusive behavior by the husband not just on the child but on the wife too he's threatening divorce and to harm the children further if she tries to step in jesus i feel bad for those kids i don't know what to recommend you do in this situation but anything to convince him he's destroying his family from the inside out would help but it also may not help it may do a lot more harm much faster this situation sucks and i hope it gets resolved well for the kids opie not the a-hole if you call cps but yeah in the comments elfitch47 says not the a-hole but don't be surprised if cps doesn't do much yeah this is hyper-strict but i don't know if you can call it abusive i think you can expect that your niece will flee the house the first moment she gets when she turns 18. yeah you should probably talk to your niece and tell her when she's grown up there's a spot in your house because it'll be difficult when she leaves edit i don't think miners are allowed to leave without parental approval also op's sister is not doing anything to stop this problem as the kid is still facing this harsh treatment and even worse than before why not offer her a home now she's still a minor in many areas it might not be legal should her parents not approve though i do agree letting her know she has a safe place and a person to trust is important i'm not a lawyer but what about emancipation ridiculously high requirements in most places like the niece would need to prove she's completely able to support herself with literally no help in a manner that's completely legal so like work a full-time job that pays a living wage wherever they are at 16. why would her husband definitely get 50 50 custody surely most judges would take the preferences of a 16 year old teen into account especially if she was very empathetic that she was miserable with her dad and his awful treatment of her was literally the entire reason for the divorce i don't think you'd be an a-hole for calling cps so not the a-hole i just doubt it would result in anything changing worst case the family eliminates contact with you this is what i was thinking as well the judge took my opinion into consideration when my parents divorced and i was 11 and this was in the 80s ended up giving my mom full custody rather than split like he was originally thinking i'm assuming he's the main breadwinner in all that and i think it depends on the state if the judge would even listen to her but because she's under 18 the courts could mandate visitation on all kids and make her go not the a-hole he's abusive but her best bet is to tell someone at the school because they may have more power cause cps i'm sorry but cbs sucks a lot of the time and they drop the ball because many believe that family is best and won't take the kids out unless absolutely forced and captain space pants says not the a-hole this does feel abusive to me but i'm unsure cps can or will do anything can emma talk to a therapist or a guidance counselor it may take third-party non-family intervention by a specialist for your brother-in-law to see what he's doing here as actually harmful emma isn't allowed any outside contact maybe i was unclear in my post my sister said they haven't been able to keep a therapist for her because the two they've already tried wouldn't let her husband run the session so he fired them he listened in on all of emma's school calls and takes her laptop back at the end of the school day so he can make sure she's not deviating from her routine and talking to friends so she has no way to reach out to a guidance counselor or a teacher that's what really worries me and makes me think a call to cps is warranted being strict is one thing but keeping a 16 year old completely isolated and unable to advocate for herself seems like it rises to the level that a social worker could intervene and potentially force my brother-in-law to ease back somehow i disagree with the one saying that this isn't child abuse isolating a child from socialization withholding medication and exerting control over their entire life is abusive this absolutely will hurt emma's mental well-being cps may not be able to help but you can't just sit there and do nothing this her father is not strict he's abusive make the call get it on record send him a message do whatever is in your power to do no judge would force a 16 year old to spend 50 of her time with a psychological abuser against her will no doctor will defend her father's actions unless he's charismatic and goes before the judge acting like a maligned father just trying to do his best while his wife and sister-in-law are the ones who are undermining his reasonable steps for his daughter this kind of abuser is adept at using family court as punishment on top of everything else charisma won't make up for ignoring doctor's recommendations for medication though or not having her see any type of therapist or specialists cps in the courts will both take that into consideration they'll see he's not doing his best if he's ignoring all the professional recommendations posted by user fiction genres titled am i the a-hole for declining to read my co-workers manuscript because it's young adult genre fiction so i'm a short story writer who has stories in literary magazines two in an anthology and i'm working on my first collection right now writing has always been a huge part of my life i joined an mfa program but had to leave due to finances one of my co-workers is also a writer we talk about how hard writing can be the fun parts stories and sentences and ideas strewn on papers around our homes lately she's opened up to me about trying to snag a literary agent this co-worker writes young adult fantasy so it's a very different experience and scene she asked me if i would read her manuscript and give notes i told her that there is a big difference in what we write and while i'm sure her manuscript is great it's young adult genre of fiction which is not my thing she said are you saying it's beneath you to read young adult or something i said no the craft of writing genre fiction and literary fiction is different add to that the age category layer i said it would be the same if she'd asked me to read and give notes about an adult romance she said i sounded stuck up and she could smell the mfa on me and then i saw her twitter where she went into this whole rant about how literary fiction authors have huge egos how y a fiction is derided because it's such a female woman-heavy industry and especially since its biggest readers are young women she kept referring to me as an a-hole co-worker and had a bunch of people raping apart pieces of my writing based on a short story that i wrote back in college i saw all this because she sent me a link telling me that i'm the twitter main character and should probably apologize to her for insulting her book when it's obvious no one cares about mine i told her that what she did was ridiculously childish bullying so it's no wonder she's writing young adult fantasy she probably feels right at home with its main audience this pissed her off even more so she blocked me on twitter i don't think that what i did was bad i don't really read a lot of why a so i wouldn't be able to help her but am i the a-hole not sure how relevant this is but i'm a woman not a man opie has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole based on my responses and reactions to her while i don't do y-a fiction i could have thrown her a bone and given her basic feedback it's not like it would have cost me anything but time and brain cells so apparently skimming the comments this is a very heated one but i'm of the opinion that opie is not the a-hole here they don't have to do anything for this person they don't owe them a damn thing and opi rejecting their request to review their work isn't a personal insult to them their work or the y a genre there's a serious victim mentality being perpetuated by this person it's as if op is absolutely denouncing them and their work is beneath them when they simply just don't want to do it if i don't want to read a book that you wrote that doesn't make me an [ __ ] it just means i don't want to do it that's not an a-hole move in and of itself i do think if op didn't want to do it then they should have just said no it seems like the devil is in the details where they said more then no i deem opie is not the a-hole here because the other person sounds like an entitled prick plain and simple opie did nothing wrong in the comments funky orange penguin says everyone sucks here she definitely sucks for taking it to twitter and crapping on your work i didn't think you were the a-hole until you told her she was writing y a because she's childish and a bully just like her readers you do seem to think that young adult literature is beneath you or less valuable than other types of literature i'm assuming that your views had already been noticed by her despite how much you try to hide them edits the fact that opie dislikes y a fiction isn't why she's sort of the a-hole she could have just told the co-worker she didn't want to do it instead of going on about the craft opie owes her nothing not wanting to read the manuscript doesn't make her the a-hole making a dig at the genre and young adults as a whole to put someone down isn't what mature people do the co-worker is insecure but responding that way doesn't reflect well on op added too opie also never mentioned that the amount of time necessary to review it was the reason why she didn't want to do it she said she wasn't qualified which is fair but never mentioned time as an excuse despite her co-worker accusing her of being a snob it seems to be a very fair concern so why not bring it up if op doesn't look down on why a lit she decided to lie to hurt the co-worker if she does opie still stoops to her co-workers level by leveraging something they love to hurt them it obviously doesn't mean she's the biggest a-hole but there's definitely a difference between choosing not to take the baits and being a doormat i think i kinda get by the craft to take this example to video games if i made platformers and a friend asked me to take a look at a first person shooter they were making i would have no helpful notes not because they're better or worse but because they're different also i don't know if video game creators tend to focus on one genre i don't know anything that's the idea i was getting too like you wouldn't ask a shipbuilder to do the inspection on your home renovation not because boats are better or worse than houses but because they're constructed differently so the person wouldn't know enough about what they're supposed to inspect for yep i hate to break it to you but if you ever put your house in water it'll sink immediately everyone sucks here yes mfa programs do have an elitism problem but given how many writing professors i've encountered who have no frame of reference for even adult genre fiction beyond a couple of authors or series they make a point of never having read themselves i wouldn't trust them to offer helpful constructive criticism for the same reasons you cited and you at least didn't offer up any judgment well that is until what she did was ridiculously childish bullying so it's no wonder she's writing young adult fantasy she probably feels right at home with its main audience that's an insult to young adults and you know it better to simply point out that if she can't handle people telling her sorry this just isn't for me without going nuclear she's going to have a hard time finding agents and editors of any genre who want to work with her which she will wow you are so not the a-hole this co-worker is literally cyberbullying you i hope you report this to hr i would not be able to focus or collaborate with someone who did this to me take screenshots also as a writer raised by a writer who works in publishing it's totally legit to pass on giving a manuscript critique at any time for any reason she asked you to do a lot of work probably for free that is highly specialized seriously working editors charge hundreds of dollars an hour for this exact thing a typical length young adult novel would cost like two to four thousand usd for one developmental critique if you're nationally published and or have formal education to back up your work you should be charging to do it even for friends family co-workers or students charge a discounted rate if you'd like but never do it for free because it's work if you were a woodworker she wouldn't ask you to give her a custom rocking chair for free you weren't wrong to pass because of discomfort about working outside of your genre either it's not snobbishness though snobbishness against ya writing does exist you were being honest that you felt you couldn't do your best work demanding a critique from someone who's reluctant or uncertain is a great way to get a bad critique posted by user karina mama titled am i the a-hole for telling my husband to get over the fact that my parents call our daughter by a nickname my husband and i have an eight-month-old daughter named karina we loved the name karina from the get-go and decided on it before she was even conceived important context my husband is white and i'm punjabi i'm the only one of my siblings and cousins to have married a white person my family is fine with it but it's definitely a noteworthy thing because i'm the only one for example this cousin is tall this cousin loves to go hiking and this cousin married a white guy lol my parents fawn over my husband and my sister's husband because in punjabi culture it's normal to flatter your daughter's husbands i guess in the olden days it was to make sure she didn't get returned to the original owner lol so my husband's always had a really positive relationship with my parents when our daughter was born immediately my family noted that karina sounds close to the punjabi name kiren so they jokingly called her kirin and it stuck right away it's not a joke anymore they say it so naturally that it's legit her name to them i never thought anything of it all of my nieces and nephews have punjabi names that we say with a punjabi accent even when we're speaking in english everyone on my side calls her kieran exclusively my husband noted a few months ago that he doesn't like it but i told him i don't think it's a biggie he said we named her karina and i said okay that's what 90 of the people in her life will call her it's not like it's going to cause some identity crisis yesterday when my mom was visiting my husband randomly says i'm tired of you calling her by another name she is our child not yours you need to respect that if you want to see her if any of you are punjabi or from another family-oriented ethnicity you know that speaking to a parent figure like this is oh my god no like what the f stunned silence my mum left immediately she told my dad and he was pissed he told my brothers and they were damn near seeing red again for punjabis someone speaking like that to your mom is the epitome of fighting words i told my husband two things one he needs to get over the nickname it's not that deep it's not going to cause an identity crisis and there's no damn control to fight over my parents see our daughter maybe twice a week and just to play and spoil her aka normal grandparent crap two he can never ever ever speak to my parents like that any issue with them needs to go through me i think we can salvage things from here but if he ever said something like this again and it got back to my siblings crap would go south real quick he's mad that i'm not defending him or taking his side i've listened as he's explained her birth name is karina that is her identity we can't let other people change her name and i legit don't see a valid point our daughter is lucky enough to have a huge family that want to spoil her why mess with that op has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole because her name is karina and the nickname kieran was never discussed or approved between the two of us also i haven't defended my husband to my family who are all mad at him it's clear you're pretty well entrenched in your cultural ideology hero p and if you had a husband that were on board with these ideas and views on the name then for sure this wouldn't be a problem unfortunately the reality is that you have a husband who does not see this from your point of view he sees it as a problem and his views are valid your views are also valid but you absolutely refuse point blank to bridge the gap with him here and understand where he's coming from and acknowledge his feelings and potentially your child's future feelings also instead of approaching this privately together you've sided with your family and their potentially violent threats as you call them fighting words and it won't go down well next time that's ridiculously childish and toxic you don't marry someone just to ignore their feelings and invalidate them it's obvious you only care about what your family thinks and everything to do with your husband is an afterthought since you brushed him off time and time again when it came to this matter you handled this situation so poorly i failed to see a universe where you're not the a-hole here you're the a-hole and in the comments blue bloom says you're the a-hole imagine if this was the other way around if you had given her an indian name and your husband's family was constantly westernizing it and refused to call her the original name all hell would break loose racist would be heard in every sentence how he doesn't respect your culture yada yada yada well that's exactly what you do you also said that your husband had to go through you and not speak to your parents like this he actually did and you dismissed him you're the a-hole again and again they also said that he had brought it up to her and the grandmother as something that bothered him before and everyone ignored him exactly i don't know why she chose her husband if he's always going to come second because she benefits from having a gaura husband gora means white by the way i don't agree with it but brown women with white husbands definitely get a social status boost oh give me a break there's a definite cost of the said gora husband being not able to integrate well in the family going by how much you claim to know about sa family dynamics you must know that family is very important in sa so no brown women with white husbands do not always get a social status boost it varies from case to case agreed anyone who thinks a brown woman marrying outside of brown culture would get a social status boost is talking out of his ass what alternate reality do you fragile folk live in 70 of my asian colleagues had to westernize their names or use ridiculous nicknames like sam and dany because white folk couldn't or wouldn't say they're given names these people actually pick white names just to survive professionally also as far as i know south asians have a culture of multiple names and nicknames it is very interesting sometimes they're not even connected to their given names maybe op can see if this is true so if you want to be worked up be worked up about opi's husband erasing his bicultural daughter's culture this is at worst and everyone's sexier jesus do you not see the difference between your colleagues choosing to go by a different name and your boss choosing to give them a western name as a nickname never acknowledging their real name because that's what's happening here no because it's not really a choice they do it so we won't mangle their names and so they won't lose opportunities for not integrating there's also a world of difference between a bicultural child having a loving nickname for private use from her minority culture and a minority employee forced to use a western name in their public lives i'm surprised you don't see that after reading all the comments i'm going with you're the a-hole because you don't seem to get that it's not just your child's your husband is fully allowed to have an opinion and he's allowed to voice that opinion quotes any issue with them needs to go through me end quote except he shared his issue with you and you did nothing because you don't think it's a biggie but he does and he's allowed to you want him to respect you and your family and their culture but you aren't respecting him because it's a white person thing i guess you don't think taking the leap too out of the blue tell her parents they would stop them from seeing their children at least pulls this to everyone's sexier i mean i can understand that the name thing is crappy for him she should have been more open to his feelings in the first place there are cultures where you don't speak to parents like that indian cultures are one of them if he had paid any attention to her culture at all he'd have approached them differently with this he put her relationship with her parents on the line if my partner pulled that bull crap on my mom i'd bloody leave but because he loves me and has taken time to integrate into my culture and i onto his we know how to appropriately be around each other's families yes and there are some cultures where husbands are the head of the household and wives don't go against them but clearly we're picking and choosing our traditions here rather than blindly obeying them posted by user evil a110 titled am i the a-hole for accidentally melting my roommate's tupperware in the oven last night my roommate said to me don't heat up the oven right now i've got something in there that was around 5 pm i assumed she meant she had food in there and that she was going to cook later i spent the rest of the evening in my room this morning i woke up and assuming she had cooked her food last night started to heat up the oven to make my breakfast after a few minutes my roommate came in and said what are you doing i told you not to use the oven turns out she had a plastic bowl of her dog's food chicken and rice sitting in there the bowl had melted and now there's melted plastic all over the bottom of the oven i apologized and she said it's okay but i'm not gonna clean the oven i know i screwed up but part of me feels like i shouldn't have to clean it why did she have a plastic bowl sitting in the oven why didn't she tell me specifically what it was why was it sitting in there for so long so i guess my question more specifically is should i have to clean the oven you didn't do your due diligence and check if there was anything in the oven yes 99 out of 100 times you shouldn't have to do that because it's a safe assumption that nothing would be in there yet in this case you had that thought heavy in your mind that roommate had used it and had told you not to use it the previous day instead of taking two seconds to open and check the oven for anything that may be inside you chose to not do that and now we're here your roommate sucks here for leaving their food in the oven in a plastic container no less they should have had the forethought that you'd assume it was empty instead of assuming that you'd assume it wasn't empty that's their bad and they definitely can be faulted for that just as you can for your assumptions it takes two seconds to move the food and container somewhere safer also it is your responsibility to clean it as much as that sucks everyone sucks here now in the comments tinkerific says yes clean the oven i think everyone sucks here you should have checked what's in the oven because of your roommate's comments your roommate should not be storing dog bowls in the oven that's what the fridge and cupboards are for this is genuinely flabbergasting if a roommate told me don't use the oven right now never in a million years would it occur to me that they meant that the oven would still be in use 12 plus hours later right now means right now if the roommate meant don't use it tonight or tomorrow then she needs to actually say that you should still check the oven before preheating it that's basic crap nah the vast majority of people don't store crap in the oven i never understood why people do that it's so weird edit to add you should have been clearer apparently i don't understand why people store food in the oven cookware while still something that i think is weird is at least logical foods such as chicken can not be stored at room temp wobbly wump says the oven isn't a storage space so you can't make breakfast because her dog is keeping the food in there or whatever she said don't heat up the oven right now she never said don't heat up the oven until i say it's cool i think it's reasonable to keep the oven off limits unless she's got a time frame and communicates it not the a-hole and terror gator wreck says not the a-hole all the people saying you're the a-hole is just shocking why the hell should anyone check the oven before turning it on nobody should leave plastic in an oven ever especially for a long period of time it's just begging for an awful mess to clean up ovens except for the ones that specifically have drawers specifically for storage are not storage spaces you check the oven when you don't live alone because you never know when somebody might have temporarily set something in there or forgot about it when a house fire is the consequence don't take risks checking the oven takes less than a full second posted by user throwaway wmde titled am i the a-hole for calling my daughter paddy for crying about not being mentioned in my award speech in the area where i live i've been part of a professional association for 30 years ever since i was 26. every year there is an event where a number of awards are given out this year the event was held over zoom and i was told that i had been nominated for the lifetime achievement award my daughter 27 decided to get tickets my ex-wife 56 also bought tickets because my son 16 wanted to be there i was happy they decided to be there i'm obviously on speaking terms with my ex-wife because of our minor son and the more the mary are my wife of a year 30 and our son one of course were always going to be my guests so they listened in i honestly didn't expect to win and didn't want to jinx things by preparing a speech but when the time came they announced my name i was ecstatic because this was the highest honor to be given my wife and my son were hugging me and she kissed me on the cheek so i started off my speech with that i was sitting here tonight with my beautiful wife and my wonderful son i said that i'd like to thank them for their support and know everything i have and continue to do to them after saying that i didn't know how to add in anybody else so i thanked the professional association and ended the speech yesterday i was in therapy with my older kids and ex-wife and my daughter was sullen the whole session and finally started railing against me for ignoring the three of them during my speech and said that my ex-wife could have been just as successful as me in my profession given how many ideas she'd given me in helping me start my business and that they were the ones dealing with my late nights and absences and being poor for many years i explained to all three of them that i didn't know i would win and that i was obviously going to acknowledge the people who were currently besides me and was tongue-tied my daughter didn't seem to accept that explanation and continued crying i finally told her that at this point she's just being petty because of old grudges and my son stood up and said excuse us for being with you at the starting line my ex-wife also started crying and the therapy session ended there am i the a-hole for thinking that three weeks is enough time to get over sour grapes over a simple speech you're seriously hoping that this situation is going to resolve itself after three weeks when these people endured a lifetime of building this business with you encouraging you accepting your absence a large majority of the time with them and then you walking out on all of them for a woman 26 years you're a junior what kind of fantasy land do you live in where you can't even give them the decency of acknowledgement for their contributions and support at your award speech you've made it more than clear you don't care about them at all using the word petty was the least of your worries in this situation i'm genuinely surprised you're in counseling with them still since this seems like the tip of the iceberg here shame on you op you're the a-hole you're the a-hole you said you owe everything to your current wife and small childs i'd say she's pretty justified especially considering they paid to be there if i wasn't related to you and heard that i'd think you had no other children you may have been tongue-tied but what you said was thoughtless and insensitive yeah his wife of one year somehow helped with his career of 30 years her and no one else exactly and their one-year-old was a huge help you're the a-hole i'm not going to mention the fact that your new wife is three years older than your daughter oops and like 26 years younger than you oops again but honestly seems like someone hint you just wanted to show off his much younger bride so instead of thanking the people that have been by your side for almost the entire time you had been doing this job the people that had stuck by you even when times were tough and when you were not present you chose to thank the person that honestly had done the least for you came to say you're the a-hole of the day. this right here a deep and all-encompassing you're the a-hole it truly floored me to read how incredibly dense opie is being about this no empathy or consideration for anyone but himself you're the a-hole not just for failing to mention them but far more so for failing to acknowledge the context of why they are so upset i get it you were caught on the spot the cat got your tongue as such and your wife and son were right in front of you it happens but there is so much more to unpack here and you're sweeping it completely under the rug instead of listening and apologizing we'll start with the beautiful wife and wonderful son comment it's a lifetime award and you're explicitly talking about what your one-year-old son means to you while completely admitting the 16 year old son and 27 year old daughter they must have felt so forgotten and ignored highlighting one child over the other two is bad enough but it's much worse in the context of a lifetime achievement award where that child hasn't been on earth for the vast majority of that life bluntly put i think your daughter is also right about the fact that she your 16 year old son and your ex-wife made the sacrifices that your current wife and baby son have not and yet you credited your success to them starting a career or a business is incredibly hard and requires sacrifices in terms of time money and relationships i assume that your new wife only came into the picture in the last few years god knows how your ex-wife must have felt hearing that you owed it all to your new wife be aware of the broader context too you're in therapy for god's sake so you know that there are problems in your relationship with them already and it's incredibly sensitive you've left your wife or she left you i don't know and shacked up with a young woman who is your daughter's age and now have a new baby of course your old family feels like they've been replaced first you're punched drunk on love for someone who was your daughter's peer then you're reveling in your new fatherhood again for the first time in 16 years your daughter son and ex-wife feel forgotten emotionally forgotten but also that their support for you and your work has gone forgotten you need to listen to what they're saying acknowledge it take it on board and apologize for what you didn't say this is not sour grapes over a speech it's resentment over a lifetime posted by user house steeler 2021 am i the a-hole for not giving my sister my house after stealing hers throw away to remain anonymous so hubbs 31 male and i 29 female a jew with baby number one and number two we are only 13 weeks along but we're looking into buying a new house our property is great but our house is one not big enough and two falling apart this is a big deal to us as we thought it was never going to happen as we had been trying for five years anyway my parents have been looking into downsizing for the past few years as they say their house is just too big after my sister and i grew up this is completely understandable as it's a five-bedroom home a few weekends ago they sat hubs and died down and asked if we would be interested in their house as they closed on a new one and are preparing to move this took us by surprise and we told them we couldn't afford it they insisted saying they didn't want payment for it we went through financials of the house and decided it would be doable and we happily agreed but insisted they let us pay them whatever we sold our property for okay great both our problems were solved and everyone is happy everyone except my sister 26 female that is ever since we were kids she swore up and down that the house would belong to her someday and begged my parents to give it to her in the will she's part of the reason they decided to downsize when she found out she called me to banshee scream at me about stealing her house from her and started demanding i give her my property because it's not fair that i get to while she rents i told her the property was being sold and the money was going to our parents she screamed more before i hung up i texted her that she needs to stop being an entitled [ __ ] and that she couldn't afford either property so she needs to start thinking with her head since then i'm getting non-stop calls and messages calling me a thief and a [ __ ] for doing this to my sister and that i have to give her my property i'm starting to feel bad because she has always wanted our parents house and i'm getting it basically for one tenth of the cost edit their house is worth about 90k we're hoping to get 10k from our property and are hoping to be able to give them 16k they're planning on giving her an equal gift as they give her 500 a month and have bought her several cars throughout the years and have bought all of her furniture brand new for her i do not receive the extra money though they bought me a car at 18 have helped with emergency repairs when we were younger house and car and like to buy big ticket items on birthdays and christmas they bought us a new oven two christmases ago our parents try hard not to play favorites i don't accept most of the help unless it's 100 needed because i don't want to do that to them and i can support myself edit number two for those asking we live in the midwest in a small country town cost of living is pretty low though we are giving up some amenities such as restaurants grocery stores access to jobs we have a gas station and a dollar store not many people want to live here which keeps prices low i can absolutely see why your sister is mad about this situation here and i think there are aspects where she's justified but also not justified for being so why she is justified in this matter is that this is equivalent to a 74 dollar gift from your parents whilst she doesn't get anything of equal value that comes from the ninety thousand dollar evaluation plus op expecting to give them sixteen thousand that's more than enough to drive a wedge in an otherwise healthy family dynamic and i'm willing to bet most people here listening to this including myself would be pissed off if the same thing happened to me them etc now where she isn't justified in her anger is whether that 74 000 amounts to the 500 a month several emphasis on several cars throughout the years and brand new furniture in the place she rents depending on the amount of months she's received that money plus the value of all of that i can see that equaling or even surpassing the 74 000 value that opie's parents has provided op another aspect here would be her seemingly feeling entitled to an entire five-bedroom house now at the end of the day it's the parents choice as to what they do with that house and neither daughter gets to claim entitlements to it that's just not how life works and wills can change at the stroke of a pen sure there seems to be in this case at least obvious favoritism for op though op has made a good enough case for me to rule in favor of them also the sister has no right to be as angry as she is about this one as she's received in my view equal compensation throughout her lifetime so far if not more and with that ladies and gentlemen of the courts i rest my case i rule in favor of opie not the a-hole now in the comments starchy tuber says this is a huge gift and unless they're able to give her something of commensurate value at a similar stage in her life cycle i can see why she's mad she of course is not entitled to the house and her reaction is crazy but this is an example of big favoritism since she was so attached to this specific house why didn't your parents sell it and split the money between you that way you have money to upgrade to a better house and she doesn't get the double slap in the face of you alone being gifted the house of her dreams while she gets nothing has she done something terrible to the family to lead to your parents to completely cut her out like this if not then everyone sucks here because you don't seem to care that your parents treat her so much worse than you edits even with the new info i still see everyone sucks here the parents have always been very generous with both kids they have given the younger sister more help but not necessarily four thousand dollars more help this house is not just money but something younger sister is emotionally invested in certainly little sister should not be given any property right now and she's not ready for homeownership she's also behaved in an a-hole way by throwing a huge tantrum but does she have cause to be very hurt absolutely everyone knew she cared deeply about this house so there should have at least been a family discussion about this opie and parents seem to not care about the emotional piece of this at all opie clearly feels entitled to this house so how is she ultimately better than little sis nothing in opie's post suggests that she's deeply loved her childhood home so i stand by the idea that the best thing would be for the house to be sold parents give op a chunk of the profit to upgrade to a new home and they tell little sister that when she's at a point in her life where homeownership makes sense they will assist her with a down payment as well doesn't have to be the same amount of money given that they've supported her in the past but it's still fair between the daughters i admit when i first read the comments i assumed the house at issue was at least a mill i live in a high cost area so you can't get a rundown two bed in a crappy area for less than 800k so the financial stuff in this case matters less than the loaded emotional value of the property to those people who sent me nasty comments yes i've owned housing for 15 years so i understand carrying costs i also understand what it is to be treated as an afterthought by parents it's not the money it's the love and caring that the money represents i'm surprised that you were the only one to bring this up yeah it is technically mum and dad's choice to give it to op but holy crap giving one of the biggest assets you will ever own to one kid and not even talking it over as a family seems really cold edit apparently her sister has been financially supported to a large degree by opie's parents if that is the case and it is relatively similar to the value of their house or they plan to continue until at least the point is reached then it seems to be fair play do you know anything about homeownership or you just thinking yeah free house because it isn't free yes op is getting it at a fraction of a cost but say she didn't say sister inherited it she still has to pay taxes on the property she still has to pay for upkeep my house was built in 1954 not super old but in the five years i've earned it both the basement wastewater and water lines needed replacing this involved digging up part of the concrete floor it wasn't as bad as it could have been but it still cost about two thousand five hundred dollars the ac unit which is necessary where i live is 33 years old it could go at any time and then boom another 2 000 the washing machine is 40 years old and still working but again saving for the eventual replacements if the street needs work or the city decides to install a sidewalk boom i will be assessed for part of the work another couple thousands the sister is getting 500 bucks a month from the mum and dad which is six thousand dollars free money a year if sister cannot afford to live on her own she cannot afford to be a homeowner or a mum and dad supposed to gift her the house and pay for her to live there too sister is deluded and entitled not the a-hole your parents are playing favorites which sort of sucks but a house costs a lot more beyond the initial and monthly payment and i suspect they know she won't be able to maintain or afford it if she's waiting for them to die before she gets it i would ask your parents to handle it as it's their call ultimately endop replies honestly the cost is a big reason my parents won't give her the house she can barely afford her 550 a month rent let alone property taxes the increase in bills and any maintenance we have two things we have to fix on the new house starting off posted by user logical sandwich titled am i the a-hole for refusing to help out my dad now he's fallen on hard times so me 23 female and my sister alice 19 female grew up with divorced parents 54 female and 57 male neither of us have ever lived full time with my dad my dad both earned significantly more than my mom when we were growing up and still underpaid child support he made it clear that he liked functionally being single with a good wage we didn't have bedrooms in his house and were often told to sleep on the sofa i'd understand all of this if he was poor but he wasn't i as the eldest daughter was often used as the gopher between them and knew all this information from a young age my dad would brag about his behavior to my mom and vice versa in 2018 our mom kicked both of us out to move to spain with our stepdad i went to university my sister went to live with our dad he was all thrilled about alice moving in and said that he was excited to finally be given the opportunity to parent one of us my sister didn't want to go to school and he made her get a job which is fair enough she was paying rent she's lactose intolerant and he would throw the food she bought in the bin and tell her she was a waste of space he told her he regretted having us both and wished he'd never bothered to be a father and we'd never been born alice got a boyfriend and moved away in february of 2020 i graduated last may having worked part-time during my degree while job roles were getting sparse i was applying for anything i was panicking as while i had an emergency fund it wasn't a big one and while i was coming to the end of my tenancy and employment as i was employed by my uni i was terrified of being made homeless and devolved into having daily panic attacks living with my mom wasn't an option especially with her living abroad i called my dad and begged him to consider taking me in he laughed at me down the phone said he'd gotten rid of alice after she'd invaded his life and almost ruined his relationship with his current girlfriend he said he didn't want me around but out of the goodness of his heart he'd take me in if i got a job but also paid him 800 pounds a month for the privilege of staying in his spare bedroom rent in the house i was living at the time was 350 and i hung up sobbing in the end it all worked out okay because i found a super good job albeit in a non-ideal location that pays me very well now my dad has fallen on hard times his girlfriend has been made jobless because the company she works for has been found to be committing fraud and is being investigated he's been on furlough and without her he can't afford the mortgage he rang me the other day begging me to move in with him to help cover his bills reader i can't lie i laughed at him i told him that i didn't want to invade his life despite being his biological kid and maybe he should use some of that magical child support he didn't spend on us on his mortgage now my extended family are calling me an a-hole and that i should at least pay an allowance to him now that i earn good money to help him out op has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole as i definitely rubbed salt in the wounds everyone's having a tough time right now but i definitely let my bitterness get the better of me both in terms of my financially unstable childhood and his response to my desperation last summer also i don't want him to be homeless because of my actions and i could afford to help him cover the mortgage for a bit even though during normal times i earn significantly less than him your dad has proven time after time that he cannot be trusted and that he's a giant douche sandwich parading around in his own sad little swamp ready to chuck dirt on any unfortunate passer-by i'm failing to comprehend how he can earn so much money and not pay enough child support for your entire childhood continue to earn that amount and now that his girlfriend is out of job he's not able to afford mortgage something here doesn't add up add on top of that the emotional manipulation of your younger sister and then the absolutely horrendous abusive behavior during her time living with him i just have no sympathy for this man he didn't even have the decency to let you to have your own beds whilst visiting him as kids does your extended family just choose to be ignorant of the entire mountain of abuse and neglect he's provided your immediate family over the years to me it sounds like they're complicit and couldn't honestly care less about either of you you owe your father nothing and i encourage you to keep laughing in his sad and pathetic face op not the a-hole and in the comments all it says not the a-hole tell them you like being functionally single with a good wage honestly there's no other way to respond to this and if he sputters at those words assure him you know he understands that so not the a-hole op not the a-hole he didn't want to be there for you he was neglectful and hurtful when he had the money and power in the relationship if he would have helped you when you were down that i could see why you'd help him but the way you describe it it sounds like he's about to learn a valuable lesson i really hate when absentee parents suddenly think their bio kids owe them support when they hadn't been there as a source of support for their own kids spend the money you save by not bailing his ass out on whatever you want not the a-hole and zevel says not the a-hole screw him leave him to the consequences of his life and choices he's made he burned those bridges and now he has to deal with the fallout posted by user logicalland 6365 titled am i the a-hall for letting my daughter have bugs in her room to teach her a lesson about stealing i 36 male have a pet bird who eats meal worms as a part of his diet my daughter loves animals and constantly tries to steal the worms despite being told numerous times that she's not allowed to have them i don't like her going into my room and they're not hers i've tried to let her be in charge of other animals such as our cats and i got her a fish but she's simply not ready for any kind of responsibility maybe when she reaches her teens in the past when she's attempted to steal the mealworms i've been able to stop her before she gets them but when i got back from work i noticed that a pack of mealworms had been left partly open and immediately knew she had carried out her mealworm heist instead of going into my daughter's room and demanding to know where she had put them i decided that i'd teach her a lesson about taking things that didn't belong to her mealworms grow into beetles so i thought that when a cute little worm grew into a nasty bug she'd finally learn her lesson and the fight would be over i've had that batch of worms for a while and their room is pretty warm so i guess they grew faster than i thought they might she woke up in the middle of the night in hysterics because there were bugs in her room and she wanted me to go get rid of it i explained to her that the reason that there were bugs in her room is because she decided to steal the mealworms from me and they had turned into beetles i told her that she needed to face the consequences of her actions and she had two options she could either get rid of them herself or she could wait until morning and i'd get them for her i was not getting up in the middle of the night because she decided to steal she was scared to remove them by herself so she asked if she could sleep in my room but we just stopped co-sleeping and i didn't want to go back into bad habits i believe she ended up sleeping in her playroom instead in the morning after i removed the beatles she kept saying things like i hate daddy and daddy's mean which was hurtful but kids will be kids i guess it upset her so much that she decided to call her mum and have her mum pick her up for some reason my other daughter decided to go to her mom's house as well i thought it was a creative way to teach natural consequences and in the morning she would laugh about it but apparently not now both of my kids are gone over some stupid worms am i the a-hole or are they overreacting personally i think you went too far with this one and there comes a point with things like this where you do have to step in and be the adult in the situation op all this is done is prove to her that you can't be counted on to help her out when she makes a mistake and isn't able to fix it herself your natural consequence in this situation is losing your daughter's trust that's the reality here you're also ingraining a fear of bugs and creepy crawlies into her alongside that and i feel like that's a cruel punishment for learning not to steal mealworms is that something that can be dealt with over time and with patience not fear absolutely you can and i assume will redeem yourself for this situation and this will be a steep learning curve for you as a person and a parent i do hope you learn your lesson from this and don't repeat it you apologize to your daughters for upsetting them and you do better at educating them in the future you really dropped the ball on this one though you're the a-hole dominoes and hoes says you're the a-hole what in the literal hell dude consequences for her kids actions is fine but this is too far i think also how old is this kid side note crap like this is why grown adults have irrational fears of things this kid will probably be scared to death of insects for the next 20 years too teaching kids not to take things without asking is absolutely fair but the natural consequence of a child taking something that doesn't belong to her is a stern conversation or the removal of some privileges it is not deliberately allowing the child's room to become infested with insects and refusing to respond to their panic and distress in the middle of the night is cruel and borderline emotionally abusive what this guy did is not a replacement for actual parenting daddy was mean and he has some serious apologizing to do i honestly don't get why he didn't just tell her that they turn into beetles she's ten she's old enough that she understands what that means and would think it's gross i'm sure that would have solved the problem ten is fifth grade when i read the story i was picturing a four or five year olds i mean when she stole the mealworms was she sprinkling them all over the carpet did she not notice them becoming pupae it might be because i live in the country and work with middle school students but this seems very dramatic a 5th grader that just quit co-sleeping and speaks so childishly something's odd it's called coddling and spoiling happens when parents don't know how to set boundaries and expectations i was picturing a four or five year old too the thing that annoys me is co-sleeping isn't recommended by anyone who's trained in childhood development it slows independence and inhibits personal boundaries the only people who do it are the real helicopter parents then they get upset when their 10 year old does crap like this and wonder why posted by user holiday till 5 titled would i be the a-hole for banning my in-laws from our house my wife is the only daughter and she has two brothers her parents have always been slightly biased and sexist towards her before it would be little things her parents would give brothers new things and give her their old ones or if they had tickets to any event they would give them to brothers my wife didn't mind and could overlook it but my wife just had a baby and can't handle my in-laws when my wife is trying to eat meals they'll say stuff like now that the baby is born you can't still use her for an excuse as to why you're fat my wife is not close to fat at all and their comments are making her diet when she doesn't need to or if my wife is tired they say stuff like wow you can't even handle one child maybe if you pushed yourself to be a better mom you wouldn't need to call your parents to bail you out we've never called them to come over they just come over my wife decided to take a break from work and be a stay-at-home mom for a while and i bought her a lexus because it was top rated for safety my mother-in-law said wow isn't it a nice that your husband treats you like a trophy wife when you aren't even a trophy they don't say these things when i'm in the room but i hear them over the baby monitor sometimes i hear them sometimes my wife tells me i want them to stop and i would like to talk to them but my wife doesn't want to start any drama but this is our house and i hate the energy they bring inside of it and the way they make my wife feel after they leave she's always down she's less happy she isn't as fun i want to ban them from our house until they learn to respect my wife but my wife thinks i'm creating unnecessary drama but i cannot raise a family with the energy they bring into our house it's toxic my sister told me that i would be overstepping and that this should be agreed on by my wife but i feel like my wife is trapped in an abusive relationship and she can't control things i think it's my place as her husband to step in and put a stop to this behavior it wouldn't be a permanent ban just temporary until they're able to apologize and act polite in our house am i the a-hole edits adding an edit because a lot of people keep bringing up therapy she has been to therapy about this i pushed for it and we have also been together she understands that this isn't okay we won't allow our children to be raised like this but she doesn't want to cause drama in the community or alienate her family she does not want to have this discussion with her parents because she can't see the benefits in the long run and doesn't want to be a bad child in the short run so that's why i feel like i need to take this on because when you're in an abusive relationship it's okay to get help from others when you can't help yourself she doesn't want me to do anything that might damage my own relationship with her parents by sticking up for her and added two my wife is indian we live in the usa she and her siblings were born in the usa her parents were born in india but came to the usa as children i am white our baby is a baby girl but we hope to have many more kids in the future you're bang on the money here that she's stuck in an abusive relationship op if she doesn't even feel she can ask her parents for help with anything that's a red flag if those parents then invite themselves over and then put words in your wife's mouth then shame her for those words that she never even said and then shame her body that's a red flag see where i'm going with this one i don't know if i'd go as far as cutting these people off entirely but definitely limiting contact like you said until they're able to apologize and show positive change you're not an a-hole for setting hard boundaries with them and if they give you weak excuses like cultural differences then just continue to extend that temporary ban that's a piss week argument and culture is never an excuse to degrade your own child in that way i support you and your partner hero p you're doing a good job at protecting them and i encourage you to keep up the good work not the a-hole now in the comments rants for fun says um not the a-hole hard to stir up drama when it's dumped on your front doorstep that behavior is unacceptable and you would be entirely in the right to call it out i mean if anything that house is also half yours as part of the whole marriage thing right as such you at least have the right to not welcome such absolute toxicity into your home now of course you do need to somewhat honor your wife's wishes so i would fully warn her beforehand but even still like sorry honey but i'm putting my foot down on you being called fat and useless sorry if that somehow offends you i'm just dumbfounded here but yes lay down some smack and let them know that in that house folks respect each other you absolutely do not need your children being possibly exposed to that as well family doesn't mean you put up with being treated like trash and get your wife into some therapy she needs to see what is going on and how to set her own boundaries you were not the a-hole you were defending her and your new child good for you not the a-hole her parents are emotionally abusive sounds like she's scared of them but they are never going to apologize guaranteed any action against them will be met with cries of victimhood and how opie is an abusive husband isolating her from her family and how dare he do this when they did nothing wrong and they will non-stop text and call his wife bad mouthing him plus they will run and tell everyone else in the family their side of the story to turn them against op and then everyone will also be contacting his wife telling her that her husband is an a-hole i'm not saying he should put up with their bull crap just that until his wife stands up for herself there's not much he can do that will make things better opie not the a-hole just be the best husband you can be and let her know her parents are monsters and you think she's gorgeous and a great mom boost her spirits and give her the confidence and strength to stand up to her parents my mother is domineering and hypocritical and it wasn't until i met my husband that i got the self-esteem to not give a crap what she thinks and tigerlily601 says not the a-hole if they treat her like that they'll treat your kids like that they need to learn before you get kids old enough to be damaged by it endo p replies that's another one of my fears they are indian and it's kind of the norm in their community to set different standards for sons and daughters like my brother-in-law's drink at family events all the time not acting like an alcoholic just casually drinking but if a female relative was seen drinking then the whole family would be gossiping and making fun of her parents our baby is a girl and i don't want her having to deal with this kind of bs okay indian here one thing in indian families is that if they approve of their daughter's marriage or her husband they tend to hold her husband at a very high level of respect they almost treat him as a king so my advice would be that don't outright ban them from coming over or something but instead try talking to them about it and tell them that it upsets you when they talk to your wife like that if they aren't against your marriage they most probably aren't i'm guessing because you haven't mentioned it then chances are by you telling them not to they might change their behavior over time hope this helps also you're not the a-hole and now on to the update hi everyone it's been a while i check into reddit sporadically and have received a lot of requests for an update but the situation kept updating so it's taken a while first of all i showed all of your comments to my wife there was a lot of back and forth because as nice and supportive as most of your replies were at the end of the day my wife said none of you were in her shoes and wouldn't have to deal with any consequences i told my wife that i would just have to take the executive decision to ban them from our house because i don't want that energy around my family of course due to the pandemic they didn't really see this as a big deal and just assumed it would be best for the baby to not have any guests even immediate family in the house my wife kind of liked this because it felt like a way to sidestep the drama and still have some space but that didn't really do anything to change their behavior but then we found out my wife was pregnant again only 10 months after our first this was obviously sooner than we had anticipated but it also sort of sparked something in my wife i guess she follows some of those old wives tales about guessing the gender and she feels like this time we're having a boy i think the prospect of having a boy really shocked her and forced her to realize she doesn't have a huge timeline to be able to correct a lot of these issues that she has with her parents because as soon as our son is born she knows our daughter is going to have to deal with their bs the same way my wife did so she decided to meet her parents by herself and set out what her expectations were and if they failed to follow them then they weren't going to meet our son or any other future children her parents i guess assumed she was bluffing and tried to come over and call me i told them i don't make the rules and i'm not going around my wife so they called my wife and told her that they would do their best to improve and fix any mistakes that were pointed out to them in their behavior i guess that has been good enough for now because while we still have banned visitors to the house my wife has resumed facetime calls i've seen a huge improvement to my wife's mood so thanks reddit for your feedback and support i'm glad your wife had an epiphany and has called out her parents but from fellow first gen indians born in the west i.e my parents are indian immigrants as well i'm going to caution your wife that their behavior will not change overnight she needs to remain firm and steadfast because they will do their best to gaslight her and get her to correct herself to their expectations and standards it's ingrained in their personalities trust me i get it because i have the same type of parents and even though they've improved with how they treat my sister and i compared to our brother sun preference is real and it's effing toxic the notion that having toxic parents is better than having no parents is a lie and we as brown kids really need to uncondition ourselves from the concept of unconditional respect and servitude to our elders because that isn't a healthy dynamic i didn't even pick up on the fact that opi's wife was a first-gen indian that explains a lot of their parents casual sexism i'm indian myself i really want to thank you and the other commenters on this sub thread you brought some healing to a very old wound which is honestly mostly fine i'm a white woman who married into an indian family 19 years ago my in-laws lived overseas until a few months after our wedding so i'd only heard loving things about them from my now ex they made the lead up to the wedding hell and if i were the person i am now i'd have walked away but i hadn't grown up yet i felt insane i had never experienced such boundary crossing such bullying not even in school outright rudeness and my independent husband turned into a lap dog mind you they were dicks i don't for a second think all brown families are like this i loved the aunties and there is plenty wrong with my own white family but i still sometimes feel like it was me not being good enough and what you wrote banished that so thank you so much it wasn't you no woman would have been good enough in your ex-in-laws eyes for their son brown white black etc she wouldn't have been enough and their actions would reflect that consistently i like to believe my parents have changed but i've told my brother he's the baby and still in uni that when he finds the one for the sake of his mental health that of the person he loves and all that is holy move you're not living with our parents absence makes the heart grow fonder make them special guests in your lives not headliners in your marriage and venus r says to be honest this feels like a plaster over a knife wounds it doesn't seem like they'll make any permanent changes and will eventually shift back to their old behaviors your wife needs to keep that in mind and be ready to implement quick consequences i don't disagree with you at all your comment just seems like a fitting place to throw in that the biggest step forward here is opie's wife feeling strong enough to have that discussion with her parents they may not change at all but she has and hopefully this step will embolden her in the future posted by user electronic gas 5769 titled am i the a-hole for uninviting my daughter to our christmas gathering bear with me i'm on mobile i'm a mother of four children two older sons and two younger daughters all of them are adults and have moved out a long time ago i've always been close with my daughter s while p has liked to have her own space which i don't mind they're both beautiful talented young women that i thought i couldn't be more proud of we're having early christmas this year first week of december i was inviting everyone around for christmas dinner gift giving and the lots when i phoned p yesterday to clarify a few things she mentioned she and her husband would not be coming when i asked she said that they had separated for now as he had cheated i said that it was surely better to spend time with family if this was the case and maybe she should come home for some time she armed and odd but then eventually she told me he had an affair with stinkbug and they had been seeing each other for the past two years i felt sick for the past six months in our talks s had alluded that she had been seeing someone and was typically girl in love i uninvited s to the christmas gathering and blocked her i don't know if i'm able to deal with her before christmas but this is family time and family can't hurt each other like that i'm at a loss honestly p is now coming which is good because at this time she needs the stability of people who love her in my opinion the problem is that s naturally thinks i'm in the wrong it's none of my business and as her mother i can't block her and remove her from family my sister thinks i shouldn't get involved in their personal lives which i think is bs my daughter needs us right now but then she tells me i have two daughters to think about which i think isn't true s has forfeited that right at the moment thankfully my husband is liaising with s at the moment but he is also in solidarity with me so are we in the wrong for uninviting a daughter for christmas edit my husband showed me that this had gotten a lot of responses too many for us to answer them all but we will be reading through them before bed a small update p's mother-in-law found out while me and tara have only spoken a few times she did dote on p and i know p got along well with her i haven't spoken to her personally but i know she phoned my daughter and was really supportive and crying my sister said that if s isn't invited then she isn't going either which is fine by me she wasn't invited in the first place due to the pandemic otherwise i've been working and doing some crochet so it's been quiet the less the merrier this holiday season that's for sure look it's obvious that s or stinkbug is just looking for an out here and that out is that you're her mother you're always technically going to be her mother and by extension she's always going to be your daughter therefore there are no circumstances in which the privileges of that mother-daughter relationship can be revoked and you're heartless for doing so no that logic doesn't fly with me and it's absolutely understandable that you uninvited her from christmas she absolutely knew what she was doing would destroy her sister's relationship and she intentionally kept it from you knowing you wouldn't approve of it it's for the best that you blocked her and uninvited her p has done nothing wrong here and doesn't deserve to spend the holiday season alone and depressed after her sister and husband up and destroyed the life she had there are no excuses for stinkbug's actions you were not the a-hole for bridging the gap op any good mother would do that and more you did the right thing not the a-hole she really terrified says not the a-hole no sleeping with her sister's husband is a really good reason to uninvite your daughter this is a case where one has so massively wronged the other that staying neutral or not taking sides is taking a side i've seen a few of these that go the other way and want the betrayed sister to suck it up and put their hurt feelings aside for the sake of the family so good for you for not pulling that bullcrap the names made this a bit hard to follow though right she went from s to stinkbug and i was like who the affair has been going on for two years two frickin years and stinkbug who is inappropriately named couldn't just be up front and tell her sister not the a-hole op glad you're sticking up for your kid cause the other one is a write-off imagine she'd been telling her mother about her relationship for two years knowing all the time she was cheating on her sister and now she thinks there shouldn't be any consequences yeah she's a bad one all right opie has their own comment here i want to thank you all for your help and kindness i'm going to get some sleep as i barely had any last night thank you for helping me with my troubles i am only one person but you all showed me such wisdom and kindness best wishes to you all i don't know my name on here not the a-hole the last few days i've seen a few cases where one sibling cheats with the other's spouse and the parents push for the victim to be forgiving and let it go to not break the family apart which is bs since it was the other sibling who did it i'm glad you're sticking up for your child who is the victim in all of this mass and hoagie mama says not the a-hole uninviting your daughter to one family event to support you and other daughter who she violated is not wrong you don't say that you're disowning stink butts just that poop face is currently your priority if stinkbutt has even a shred of reason this will make sense to her she knows what she did wrong and now on to the update hello all my christmas gathering was yesterday and my son and husband wondered if i would post an update for you all it's been rather uneventful but i've been equally surrounded by warmth and love while also feeling heartbroken and lonely so first of all since my post my husband has been teaching me to use reddit i've really enjoyed being in some craft communities my daughter penny has been staying with us she works from home and my husband and eldest went to get some of her stuff from her old house penny's mother-in-law jane was there and was very helpful and sweet she also bought some mint hot chocolate for our penny and christmas candles i know they're her favorite from what penny has told me jane is having similar feelings to me a lot of guilt over our children's decision to hurt people we love i think at this point we have to accept that we did our best raising them but they're adults now so we can't beat ourselves up penny and jane are going to stay in touch i think jane truly does think of penny as a daughter and friends under some more negative things i wrote my letter to sally during this time i expressed that i was extremely disappointed and also disgusted while i will continue to have a relationship with her she won't be welcomed to any family gatherings with penny present unless penny has met a point in her life where she feels comfortable i told her what some of you had said that not taking a side would be a side and that she had for all intents and purposes already uninvited herself when she was so cruel to her sister sally had apparently come up on friday and knocked on the door i was out shopping at the time my husband spoke to her apparently sally and michael my son-in-law are going to continue their relationship i will not support it in any way or form she may be my daughter but that man is not welcome i am supporting penny through the divorce and if sally ever expects money for the wedding or a house then she's a very naive girl my husband sent her away after which sally said that we would have to get over it someday otherwise the christmas gathering was lovely it was strange not getting drunk and playing board games due to the pandemic but still a pleasant time my hip hurts from the cooking but husband and penny did plenty of the cleaning up so who's the real winner i hope you all have a wonderful day and thank you very much for your kind words when i last spoke to you saber eyes says you handled everything perfectly we see many posts on here where the parents take the opposite approach they welcome the sister and cheetah to everything and tell the one that was wronged just to get over it i mean what the f is up with that your get-together sounds like it was fun it's cool they did the cleanup never thought it fair that the women in my family spent the first half of the day cooking and still had to do the cleanup afterwards while the men watched tv it was still a very hard decision to make my heart breaks at a situation i can't fix my husband will always do the dishes after as he insists i don't load the dishwasher correctly maybe i should do more of the cleaning incorrectly i'm sure it is heartbreaking but you're doing the right thing that sally could talk to you about being so happy with a new relationship from your other post and then just saying that you need to get over it that new relationship was sleeping with her sister's husband just proves that she's incredibly selfish no one wants to think their child could do that cheating is bad on and with family takes it to a whole new level but i appreciate your stance and his mother's when my husband cheated his family couldn't welcome the mistress fast enough and my kids and i became nothing to them friendly and nice when seeing them but all surface they didn't want to talk to us because then they'd have to admit someone in their family was horrible they didn't like that it was bad enough for me after 25 years of being family but at least i sort of understood that but they mostly ignored my kids too that i won't forgive i'll play nice when i have to but that's it and crafty hooker says i think you've done a wonderful job of supporting your daughter as your other daughter and son-in-law are planning to continue their relationship i think it would be prudent to consider potential future events and how you might handle them for example what happens if s and son-in-law have a child's reddit has so many stories of wronged parties like p who have been sidelined at the arrival of grandchildren god i wouldn't know where to start with that i've typed about a dozen responses regarding what i would do theoretically but then there's too many what-ifs to think about i think it helps to set a boundary that you can live with and accept that you cannot control the other party it's hard because you don't control the other party and accepting that from the outset can keep you from sacrificing your boundaries repeatedly until you've sacrificed your values and your relationship with penny saying something like your child my grandchild is innocent of the wrongdoing that the two of you committed against penny i will always be fierce of an ally to my grandchildren as i am permitted by their parents to be but this child and grandchild is not an apology that makes us ignore the past in the absence of a sincere apology and behaving in a way that demonstrates understanding that i cannot always put you and your child first at the cost to penny i cannot be present in your life and it would be inappropriate to ask to be present in your child's life without you i love him and i love you even if i disapprove of your actions and work to help your sister heal from them you sound like a good mum kudos to you for sticking to your guns and supporting penny the way you wrote your post reminds me so much of how my mom posts on social media it's funny you should say that but my youngest son and sally would always mock me for typing like an old lady apparently i'm too proper posted by user carbon copy 404 titled am i the a-hole for telling my boyfriend he's a bad person so recently my boyfriend got some dental trays for his teeth done the moulds of your teeth which can be used to put product in to whiten your teeth he's done this before but lost his last set of trays so went somewhere new to get the new trays done my boyfriend told me that when going to pick up his dental trays the receptionist just gave him the trays without asking for the payment of them he then took the trays and left knowing he had not paid for them the receptionist called shortly after he left and explained that a mistake was made and could he please either come back and pay for the trays or pay over the phone my boyfriend lied saying he was adamant that he had already paid before picking the trays up and it wasn't his fault that they had no record of him paying and that he didn't keep his receipt to prove it to them he was pretty vocal to me about not wanting to pay for the dental traits if he didn't have to and that it was the receptionist's mistake and on her what sparked our argument about this was a car journey where he answered the phone to the manager of the dental practice who was following up the call with the receptionist my boyfriend continued with his lie that he had already paid and it was not his problem that they could not provide proof of this now something about witnessing him lie so easily to this man really bothered me and it bothered me that he didn't care if the receptionist may get into serious trouble or even lose her job over this mistake or that he wasn't losing out by paying as he would have paid for the product in normal circumstances after the call which didn't reach any resolution i told him that was very uncomfortable for me to hear and witness and he's a bad person for lying like that when he knows full well it was likely an honest mistake by the receptionist and he got a product he didn't pay for my boyfriend's now giving me the silent treatment and seems really hurt that i called him a bad person he says most people would avoid paying for something if they didn't have to am i the a-hole should i apologize warning warning buyer detected in the room the imposter needs to be ejected asap opie if your gut is telling you one thing and your brain is also telling you the same thing why would you believe the mouth noises your boyfriend is making when he's demonstrated full well he won't pay for something like this if he doesn't have to yes i may be a little dramatic with my words here and to some this may not be a huge problem but unless he doesn't immediately recognize he's on the wrong side of history here genuinely apologize to you and them and fix the situation then i have no sympathy for this man he decided to react like a child by giving you the silent treatment and say oh whoa it's me i'm so hard from you calling out my my morally bad actions why would you hurt me like this cue them cut the waterworks mate no one's falling for it the ball's in your court here as to how you approach your relationship from hero p but morally and ethically speaking i'm judging you is not the a-hole there's no way you should apologize for saying what you said in the comments zwerg schnauzer says not the a-hole in the least huge red flag here what your boyfriend did is outright stealing he is also stupid this is the 21st century the dentist knows he didn't pay and the police will know that too when the dentist presses charges op replies thank you it's good to see most people wouldn't do this this isn't the first red flag of this nature but this one really stuck out to me i'm going to seriously reconsider our future we had plans to travel get engaged etc as it's clear our core values don't match and i'm almost certain he could just as easily lie in this manner to me [Music] girl run what if he decides to steal from you your family or your friends liars will lie just to keep up the practice not the a-hole you call him a bad person because he is dental equipment is expensive so that dental tray was in the hundreds if not in the thousands he lied and knows that the receptionist could be fired over his lie and doesn't care this sets up a disturbing pattern dump him as fast as you can and call the dentist tell the truth and save her job op says i think i'm going to i'll post an edit update soon and rogue's gambit says not the a-hole he's a thief and a liar and now he's resorting to emotional abuse and playing the victim to continue his delusion of entitlement and now on to the update update thanks for the rewards a lot has happened since my original post i spoke to the manager of the dental practice i explained that my boyfriend bf had been open to me about not paying and that he doesn't plan to the manager said a letter was already on the way demanding the payments and if boyfriend fails to pay then court proceedings will begin he was thankful i called and knew it was their mistake but was surprised by my boyfriend's attempts to argue with him that's a good result for now i didn't plan on telling my boyfriend as i wanted to end it there's been too many red flags so i decided i couldn't ever truly trust him and i didn't want to add fuel to the fire but before i got to end our relationship in person i learned another painful lesson recently my boyfriend's laptop broke this was fine as it was old and he can't work from home anyway as he sells cars so he used mine earlier this week i'm on my laptop working and go to check my personal emails except my boyfriend's email was still logged in when i opened the webpage i got to log out but saw the most recent 30ish emails were all from the same person a girl this was weird as who emails like that to converse anymore i know it was an invasion of privacy but i clicked onto the emails i deduced this was a girl from his work they were emailing because her mobile phone was broken and emailing him from her work email during the day was an easy way for them to still talk the emails were flirtatious they mentioned dates they'd been on he'd clearly been to her house they spent lunch breaks together and she thought he was single the more i read the more enraged i became what if i'd never clicked the email after considering where i could bury him i decided to remain calm i called my manager to tell her what i had just learned she's super cool and said to take the afternoon i then called an emergency locksmith and packed up my boyfriend's stuff he alternates between staying at mine and his mom's except for his ps5 that i bought for his 25th birthday last month when this purge of my boyfriend from my life was ready i text him i know about s our relationship is over your things are on the doorstep you must transfer me the money for xyz and please don't ever contact me again and i blocked him on everything 20 minutes later a barrage of knocks are at my door as he's pleading to be let in to talk about it i can see him but stay silent where he can't see me he was on his knees crying begging pleading for me not to leave him whether they were crocodile tears or not my heart ached after some time he left with his stuff i felt relief and had a good cry but i doubt that's the last i'll hear from him i feel heartbroken and stupid an enormous thank you to all those who said his behavior was revealing of his character and what he's capable of i will apply the same vigilance to future partners i know this is a dodged bullet but it hurts like hell edits just wanted to clarify some things i kicked him out of my house i own it he's never paid anything towards it and has no documentation linking him to my house he alternates between staying at mine and his mother's with his mother's being his official and primary residency weirdly some of you are really focused on the fact that i kept the ps5 but i paid for it have the receipts and it never left my home i feel like retracting this gift he's had a little over a week as an a-hole tax is morally justified after he's been a five-star a-hole i think they'd be very different comments if this was the other way around and he'd just given me an engagement ring and then found out i was cheating not even two weeks later yeah it'd be mine under the jurisdiction of a gift but is it morally right to keep the ring probably not i get the sense that half of the comments come from the fact that the console is a hard find at the moment but i just pre-ordered it like everyone else who got one some are interested in whether i'm selling it i'm undecided because on top of everything my ex owes me a sizable amount of money so it depends on whether he decides to be an a-hole with a cherry on top and not pay me back i noted the email of the girl my ex was cheating with in case i wanted to contact her directly i was thinking of constructing a message explaining everything and assuring her i'm not bitter towards her then it's up to her what she wants to do with that info thanks so much for all the supportive messages and comments i am reading every single one i'm honestly shocked at the amount of kindness from strangers in the comments lumos viet luck says good for you girl he revealed his true colors and you respected yourself enough to believe them you've had a rough week and it must have been tough but you should be proud of yourself for how you handled it hope it's all uphill from here he's going to bitterly regret being a cheating stealing jerk and you're going to have a beautiful life without him sending hugs and best wishes the ironic thing is that had he not given her serious cause to doubt his character with the tray incident she might have let his crying and pleading persuade her to forgive the cheating somehow cheating is a hard thing to process and too often the innocent party feels as if they must have done something wrong because otherwise this good person wouldn't have cheated right but opie's eyes had already been opened yes it does hurt like hell think of it as surgery to remove a tumor from your life the incision hurts but it will heal that's a great way to look at it as someone who's had a brain tumor i can say that this analogy can be taken a step further in some cases like mine the tumor is in such a difficult area that going in and doing surgery to remove it isn't enough remnants of the tumor remain and continue to grow and cause problems in your life sometimes after the surgery you have to go and do a few rounds of chemo and if that doesn't work radiation chemo was definitely worse for me but you gotta stay strong yeah chemo's gonna make you feel like you're dying but you have to remember that it's also saving your life radiation might make you lose your hair but it's keeping this thing from ruining your life so keep at it depending on the type of tumor and where it's at one surgery can take care of it or you might be in the long haul regardless it's infinitely better than living with a tumor ending a relationship is never easy and the fact that you didn't murder him is commendable i certainly would have i hope that your healing process is swift and that you find a more suitable love in the future also i hate to be the person who brought this up but if you were sexually active with him and he was cheating be sure to get yourself tested for stis just in case thank you for your concern i did think i should go for a test i'm not sure whether to tell the girl the truth as well but i really don't want to know the gory details from her i would tell her if she thinks that he's single then she deserves to know what an a-hole he is then you should go get tested and she should too who knows what else and who else he's been up to this is true she doesn't deserve it either i'll construct an email letting her know and assure her i'm not mad at her as she didn't know and was probably fed a pack of lies too i'll definitely be getting a test super refreshing to see someone have this mindset too often the other woman gets a barrage of hates when she had no idea she was involved with someone who had a partner i definitely agree with the suggestion of getting tested this guy has hurt you enough you don't deserve to have any more suffering because of him so it's best to know if there's anything else you need to take care of best of luck to you and well done for getting the hell out of there and knowing your worth posted by user t.o.u titled am i the a-hole for not being sufficiently angry after a colleague took credit for my work so i'm a teacher in a private languages academy i was asked to do an online lesson plan for every age group and level and to be used by all the teachers it needed to include the plan lessons games slides tests for french and english courses plus a training workshop for my colleagues i was basically doing everything the teachers will use on every lesson starting november 16th since most of them are old and there are some complaints from parents about lessons quality three weeks ago one of my colleagues sons started working with us and my boss gave him access to all my material because he is young too he knows about these things but he didn't help at all you can imagine my surprise when he sent everything i did and that was still being edited to everyone after changing some colors and presenting it as his own i was extremely angry and talked to my boss but they said i was lying because i wasn't angry enough for someone whose work was stolen and that i should be happy we would all benefit by the material he did and that he had informed the boss that i was sabotaging him and he requested for me to be taken out of the team i need the money and i can't quit so i calmed down and asked my boss to send me the info about me leaving the team and my next tasks by email and he did now i'm working part time i was off today and my colleagues had their training but boss was calling me non-stop until i answered around 10 pm basically the guy didn't know how to explain the plan apps and strategies to be used and some colleagues noted typos in the material i didn't finish editing and have adhd so there must be quite a few typos they asked him to correct it and the guy couldn't because he doesn't know enough english and doesn't know french at all and told the truth after being pressured when i answered my boss yelled at me because there were only three days to fix everything and he told me that i have to have everything done by sunday midnight because it's my fault since i should have insisted more yelled or something when he sent the email the thing is he reduced my hours and i scheduled some tutoring hours that pay more for this weekend and won't cancel them so i won't help with the plan anymore because i'm not part of the team my boss is terribly angry and is still texting me at 2 30 am telling me how i'm effing up everyone's job and the students will be sad because of me and i'm sleepy and i feel like a jerk because i know some students love the lessons and they haven't had great lessons lately so am i the a-hole that was a lot of run-on sentences written there and my apologies if the listening input was weird guys the reading part was weird for me too but as it stands i cannot blame you for your actions here it's preposterous for your boss to expect dramatics when this is a professional work environment not the set of monty python or something of the likes speaking of dead parrots your boss allowed your unqualified co-worker to steal your work and parade it around as his own original idea enabled them further when you attempted to rectify the situation and then reprimanded you for not getting on your knees and begging the boss to fix this mess they deserve to have this project collapsed tremendously beneath their feet and you should not be expected to pick up the pieces before the collapse you did the smart thing and filled in the gaps in employment with tutoring whilst not being fully employed and now this boss expects you to work unpaid i'm assuming and crunch crunch crunch no that's ridiculous and they should be ashamed of themselves no longer your circus no longer your monkeys op not the a-hole now in the comments adopted human says not the a-hole he didn't believe you when you complained and it doesn't seem like he tried to check if there was an issue go to bed and if he keeps annoying you tell him you didn't help because he wasn't sufficiently desperate op replies i reported it and handed my resignation directly to the owner who was stuck in the u.s because of the pandemic and doesn't know much about the day-to-day activities he was extremely apologetic offered me another job but i refused and he said he'll pay me november and a half december either way asked me not to inform boss we spoke because he needs to check some accounting things but that his plan is to fire them and start christmas vacation earlier for students good for you i hope you take him up on this offer you've earned a good job and if he gets rid of the a-holes you'll be in a good position to move up this is a really good point i haven't considered i'll think about it the owner emailed me again about having another meeting next week because he wants to properly understand what's going on because apparently things are messy so i'll ask for more info probably there's more problems the old boss has created that you don't know of the second email the owner sent seems to point at that my mom is very invested in this she just wants to know what's happening next and after reading the email the owner sent me she is convinced my boss must have been doing something extra not the a-hole as was said previously turn off your phone and get a good night's sleep you didn't f anything up he did and he's using you as a scapegoat in the morning i would text him enough you need to stop blaming me because you refused to believe that i was telling the truth about my work being stolen you even punished me for it by taking away my work hours how dare you now try and threaten me i've copied all of your texts and am now forwarding them to hr assuming you have an hr department if not tell him all of the above and report him to whoever is his higher up and do so immediately before he can go running to them with lies op replies thanks what you wrote helped me see things clearly last night i was really tired and a bit emotional but what you wrote about using me as a scapegoat opened my eyes i resigned today and feel great to be honest did you explain to hr and your boss's boss why you resigned i'm sure they'd be glad to know of the incompetence and unprofessional conduct i did another commenter sent a fantastic template and i adapted it added extra info plus attached screenshots of the messages and dozens of calls after midnight including the one my mom revived on her phone there's no hr because it's a newish private academy with less than 20 employees most apparent timers but i sent an email to the owner who's an old student of mine he was extremely surprised and apologetic had no idea about the parents and employees complaints and didn't know what happened because he got stuck in another country since march because of the pandemic not the a-hole instead of apologizing for the accusations and reduced hours he demands you redo everything in three days f him you should get a good night's sleep knowing he's screwed himself my boss called my mum because she's my emergency contact my poor mom was sleeping and just called my landline all worried because my effing boss called her at 3 am and i wasn't answering her on my cell phone you're right f him i'm going to bed and now on to the update using a template user merlinkilgra s565 kindly sent plus ideas other editors gave me i redacted a formal complaint and sent it to the owner the owner is a former student of mine and he's stuck in another country because of the pandemic the owner called me on zoom and was very shocked because he wasn't informed of the mother-son hiring he didn't know of the multiple complaints from parents about the online lessons quality or that several students had stopped taking lessons and he had no idea all plans to start online courses were basically ruined owner emailed that he needed to check some financial aspects because the boss was his new girlfriend's brother and was supervising three different businesses and asked me to zoom again next wednesday but told me he would pay me my full salary for november and half december on wednesday he moved the meeting for the next thursday but i was busy we emailed because he was investing and i was helping but didn't talk until yesterday basically boss hired close friends of his the same four people in all the places he was supervising fired tenured employees and was stealing money because he told clients not to pay in our currency and only use us dollars in cash so owner is not even sure how much he lost the academy had to close they lost too much money and too many students to continue owner said that he knows he promised to pay me in november and part of december but that he's sorry and that's impossible now and will only pay me 50 bucks since the business was shared with his ex-wife and he had to pay her to avoid a bigger legal mess because it was his new brother-in-law the one who screwed up everything i'm jobless but tutoring lots of former academy students and a former college told me the owner is now single and the boss is hiding oh wow and here we were all worried about you getting credit for your work while this was going on thanks for the update and boy didn't that take a turn for the crazy yup i didn't expect that but honestly i'm doing okay with the few kids and adults i'm tutoring sounds like it's time to start your own business all these messages were very motivating and i kind of didn't realize that i have more than enough material to just enjoy teaching for the time being i think i'll take it slow keep my current students and grow through them because i know those families and their friends are part of the small group of people that can actually pay for a tutor i mean i need money and realistically most people here cannot pay for it g'day there guys and that's the end of today's episode i do hope you enjoyed it and who are entertained by today's bloody good content as always i want to do a quick shout out and a thank you to all my channel members and patreon subscribers your beautiful faces and names will be up on screen right now haven't forgot about you guys sorry i was taking a little break there so yeah if you see yourself give yourself a pat on the back if you want to be on this screen there's links down to the description below where you can sign up and help support the channel and all future projects that i'm going to be doing on this one with all that said i hope you guys have an amazing day night sleep whatever you're up to i'll see you in the next episode and i do hope you enjoy it thank you

Channel: Markee

Views: 34,236

Rating: 4.8510122 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: miLU0r4iS5I

Length: 147min 9sec (8829 seconds)

Published: Sun May 23 2021