WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW, SOME SHARP-EYED VIEWERS,
AND CERTAINLY ONE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I
SHAVED OFF MY MUSTACHE. LAST NIGHT-- PEOPLE ARE ASK YG. WHERE DID THE MUSTACHE GO? THERE ARE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING
WE DO HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW." IT'S ALL BASED ON SCIENCE. LAST NIGHT, WE DID AN
ULTRA-SCIENTIFIC TWITTER POLL AND 71% SAID TRASH THE 'STACHE. OKAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). RRT. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S JUST ONE DATA POINT. YOU CAN'T GO OFF OF ONE DATA
POINT. SO LATER, A CBS/STEPHEN
COLBERT'S WIFE POLL, FOUND THAT 100% OF EVIE DID NOT LIKE THE
'STACHE. SHE WOULD NOT KISS ME WHILE I
HAD IT, SO I SHAVED IT OFF, AND I GOT MY KISS. THE STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER
AFTER. OF COURSE, THESE DAYS, YOU'VE
GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU KISS, THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT
WHICH CURRENTLY ACCOUNTS FOR 99% OF COVID CASES IN THE UNITED
STATES. AND IT'S SO WELL KNOWN THAT
THE C.E.O. OF THE AIRLINE DELTA REVEALED HE'S STILL REFUSING TO
CALL IT THE DELTA VARIANT. THAT'S IMPORTANT. I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT. BECAUSE BEING ASSOCIATED WITH A
COMMUNICABLE DISEASE IS NOT GREAT FOR BUSINESS. THAT'S WHY STORES NO LONGER
CARRY THE TASTY SYPHILIS JAM. YOU REMEMBER THEIR MOTTO:
"NOTHING SPREADS LIKE SYPHILIS!" BUT--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> MMMM. MMMM. BUT THERE'S A NEW VARIANT IN
TOWN, AND I'TS CALLED MU, NAMED AFTER THE 12th LETTER OF THE
GREEK ALPHABET-- AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, FOR
THE POKEMON MEW. EITHER WAY, GOT TO GET
VACCINATED, OR YOU'LL CATCH 'EM ALL. LAST WEEK THE WORLD HEALTH
ORGANIZATION-- <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH. POKEMON FANS HERE TONIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LAST WEEK, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION DESIGNATED MU A
"VARIANT OF INTEREST." OKAY, IN THE P.R. WORLD, THAT'S
WHATE WE CALL BUZZ." NOW, TECHNICALLY, A "VARIANT OF
INTEREST" IS LESS DIRE THAN A "VARIANT OF CONCERN," LIKE
DELTA IS CHARACTERIZED. THE RATING GOES
"VARIANT OF INTEREST," "VARIANT OF CONCERN,"
"VARIANT OF PANTS-CRAPPING"-- SOMETIMES CALLED "CODE BROWN"--
AND, FINALLY, "VARIANT OF IS THERE ANY MORE ROOM ON JEFF
BEZOS' PENIS ROCKET TO ESCAPE THE PLANET?"<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> IN A PRESS RELEASE, THE W.H.O. SAID THAT VACCINES MAY NOT WORK
AGAINST MU, EXPLAINING THAT THE VARIANT HAS PROPERTIES TO EVADE
OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAUSED BY "A CONSTELLATION OF MUTATIONS"--
A CONSTELLATION ALSO KNOWN AS "THE BIG DOWNER." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD-ISH NEWS OUT THERE. IN PART BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE
RATTLED BY THIS DELTA SURGE, 75% OF U.S. ADULTS HAVE TAKEN AT
LEAST ONE DOSE OF COVID-19 VACCINE. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
OKAY, PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM, EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, FOR
INSTANCE. OKAY. 75%, MEANING THIS LIFESAVING
VACCINE IS JUST SLIGHTLY MORE POPULAR THAN ME SHAVING OFF MY
MUSTACHE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO FAR, SO FAR, VACCINES HAVE ONLY GONE TO ADULTS AND TEENS,
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AUTHORIZED FOR CHILDREN UNDER 12, UNTIL
PFIZER FIGURES OUT HOW TO MAKE RAZZLEBERRY VACCINE ROLL-UPS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW ALL OF THAT WAS FINE FOR COVID CLASSIC
BECAUSE KIDS WEREN'T CATCHING IT, BUT THANKS TO DELTA,
PEDIATRIC CASES ARE SURGING AS STUDENTS HEAD BACK TO SCHOOL. THAT'S NOT GOOD, BECAUSE IN
ADDITION TO COVID, IT'S ALSO COOTIE SEASON. I CERTAINLY HOPE EVERYONE IN
THIS ROOM HAS GOTTEN THEIR CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT. OR THEY COULD END UP WITH A
PURPLE NURPLE. FOR COLLEGE KIDS, BACK TO SCHOOL
MEANS BACK TO PACKED STADIUMS, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
AFRAID COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMES COULD BECOME SUPERSPREADER
EVENTS. HERE'S THE CROWD FROM
U.N.C.-VIRGINIA TECH GAME THIS WEEKEND THAT DID NOT REQUIRE
VACCINATION AND WHERE ALMOST NO ONE WAS WEARING A MASK. ( WHISTLE )
"PERSONAL FOUL. FAILURE TO PROTECT YOURSELF
AND OTHERS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SETS THE COUNTRY BACK FIVE YEARS. STILL 4TH WAVE." <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
IF THERE'S ONE THING-- IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT
SHOW BUSINESS IS THAT SOUND GUYS REALLY LOVE WHEN YOU USE A
WHISTLE. ( BLOWING WHISTLE )
SOMEONE IS QUITTING IN THE CONTROL ROOM RIGHT NOW. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE'S TWEET ABOUT THE GAME
UNIRONICALLY USED THE CAPTION, "ABSOLUTE CHILLS," FOLLOWED BY
"ABSOLUTE FEVER" AND "ABSOLUTE LOSS OF TASTE AND SMELL." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE A.C.C. THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA'S STADIUM
ALSO DOES NOT REQUIRE VACCINES OR MASKS, AND HERE'S THE CROWD
WAVING AT THE HOSPITAL BEHIND THE STADIUM. "HI, HOSPITAL! SEE YOU IN TWO TO 14 DAYS!"
BUT THESE ARE COLLEGE KIDS. I'M SURE THEY'RE MAKING GOOD,
HEALTHY CHOICES. LET'S CHECK IN ON SOME ACTUAL
FAN FOOTAGE FROM THE GEORGIA-CLEMSON GAME AT LAST
WEEKEND'S DUKE MAYO CLASSIC: SEE, THAT'S RESPONSIBLE-- THAT'S
A RESPONSIBLE CHOICE. HE WAS NOT SHARING HIS GIANT TUB
OF MAYONNAISE WITH ANYONE. SO HE KNOWS IT'S NOT THE COVID
THAT'S GOING TO KILL HIM, AND TRULY HUMBLING TO WATCH. UNTIL I SAW THAT VIDEO, I
THOUGHT I WAS THE WHITEST MAN IN AMERICA. ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF
CAUCASIA! <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THAT'S--
THANKS TO MAN-MADE GLOBAL WARMING, WE'VE SEEN MASSIVE
HURRICANES, RAGING FLOODS, AND OUT-OF-CONTROL FOREST FIRES. AND THAT'S JUST THIS WEEK. WE'RE ALL TENANTS OF PLANET
EARTH, AND WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT GETTING OUR SECURITY DEPOSIT
BACK. AND IT'S NOT JUST OUR LIVES
WE'RE CHANGING FOREVER NOW. BECAUSE A NEW REPORT SAYS THAT
ANIMALS ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING IN RESPONSE TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS. SAME HERE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THESE AREN'T LOVE HANDLES. BEFORE THE SEA LEVELS RISE, I'M
GROWING MY OWN WATER WINGS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> ALL RIGHT. THIS STUFF IS SCARY. BUT WHY ARE WE CALLING IT
SHAPE-SHIFTING? WHEN A SPECIES ADAPTS OVER TIME,
THERE'S A NAME. IT'S CALLED EVOLUTION. THAT'S CALLED EVOLUTION. SHAPE-SHIFTING IS WHEN YOU SEE
A BAT, LOOK AWAY FOR A SECOND, AND THEN DRACULA IS STANDING
THERE. <i> ( DRACULA VOICE )</i>
"I VANT TO SUCK FROM A PAPER STRAW." ACCORDING-- THE IDEA OF THAT
JOKE IS THAT DRACULA IS CONCERNED ABOUT POLLUTION. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ACCORDING TO THE REPORT, WARM-BLOODED ANIMALS ARE
CHANGING THEIR PHYSIOLOGY TO ADAPT TO A HOTTER CLIMATE, IN
PART BY GETTING LARGER LEGS TO BETTER REGULATE THEIR BODY
TEMPERATURE. OKAY, THAT'S UPSETTING, BUT IT
DOES MEAN THAT BEFORE THE WORLD ENDS, THERE'S A CHANCE WE MIGHT
GET TO SEE SOME SEXY PENGUINS. BUT IT'S NOT JUST BIRDS WHO ARE
ADAPTING. THE AUTHOR OF THE STUDY POINTED
OUT THAT PROMINENT APPENDAGES, SUCH AS EARS, ARE PREDICTED TO
INCREASE, SO WE MIGHT END UP WITH A LIVE-ACTION DUMBO IN THE
NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE. OKAY, I QUESTION THIS SCIENCE,
BECAUSE THERE ALREADY WAS A LIVE-ACTION DUMBO. AND JUST LIKE CLIMATE CHANGE,
ALL THE COMPUTER MODELING WARNED US IT WOULD BE A DISASTER, AND
YET WE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT. BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS OUT
THERE. NO. TODAY, VIRGINIA REMOVED THE
ROBERT E. LEE STATUE FROM ITS STATE CAPITAL. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
AM JIM, JIM, LET'S GO TO THE FOOTAGE. THE SOUTH DID RISE AGAIN! AND THEN WAS IMMEDIATELY LOWERED
INTO THE PARKING LOT. THEN A WORK CREW BEGAN CUTTING
IT INTO PIECES FOR TRANSPORTATION. IT'S LIKE LINCOLN SAID:
"A STATUE OF ROBERT E. LEE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT
STAND, AND THAT'S OKAY WITH ME." AND THIS REMOVAL FROM THE
CAPITAL-- IT'S FROM THE CAPITAL GROUNDS-- IS LONG OVERDUE. I HAVE ONE QUIBBLE. I UNDERSTAND TAKING DOWN LEE,
BUT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO TAKE DOWN HIS HORSE, TRAVELER? THE HORSE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. WHEN ASKED IF HE WANTED TO JOIN
THE FIGHT TO PRESERVE SLAVERY, HE SAID "NEIGH." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW-- YOU CAN'T SEE IT ON CAMERA, BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE
ABOUT TO RUSH THE STAGE, PUT ME-- THEIR SHOULDERS AND MARCH
ME ON TO BROADWAY AS THE CHAMPION OF ALL JOKES RIGHT NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). SECURITY-- SECURITY IS HOLDING
THEM BACK. WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF IT. WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF IT. SPEAKING OF POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT
SECESSIONS, THE U.K. IS STILL SUFFERING PLENTY OF
COMPLICATIONS FROM BREXIT. IT'S HARDER TO IMPORT STUFF FROM
EUROPE FOR THEM NOW, SO THEY'RE BUYING STUFF FROM US INSTEAD. AND NOW ITALY HAS WARNED THE
U.K., AMERICA IS FEEDING YOU COUNTERFEIT PASTA, COMPLAINING
THAT THE U.S. FIRMS USE FANCY LABELING AND ITALIAN COLORS TO
TRY TO PASS FOR AUTHENTIC ITALIAN PRODUCTS. HEY, PUMP THE POMODOROS,
PAESANO. ARE YOU SAYING AMERICAN ITALIAN
FOOD ISN'T AUTHENTIC? NEXT YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME
THAT JOHN ISN'T MY REAL PAPA, OR THAT THIS GUY ISN'T ACTUALLY IN
CHARGE OF THE SPECIALS! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME SAD, BECAUSE ITALY IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE PLACES IN THE WORLD. SO IN THE SPIRIT OF
INTERNATIONAL HARMONY AND ME BEING ABLE TO EAT GELATO WITH
GEORGE CLOONEY AT LAKE COMO, I WANT TO INVITE ITALIANS TO JOIN
ME IN THE ITALY-CAM. <i> ( ITALIAN ACCENT )</i>
BUON GIORNO, BENVENUTO A LA CAMERA D'ITALIANO. ISSA-ME, MARIO! I MEAN, STEFANO. WE HEAR YOU ARE A BIT MAD ABOUT
THE STATI UNITI SELLING THE KNOCK-OFF MACARONI. BUT AS THEY SAY IN YOUR
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY: WHEN YOU ARE HERE, YOU ARE FAMILY. SO WHY NOT JOIN YOUR FRIENDS IN
ENGLAND AND TRY SOME OF OUR FINEST AUTHENTIC ITALIAN
RECIPES, LIKE A TOMB-STON-E PIZZA! ALL THE FLAVOR OF A GRAVEYARD. OR OUR DELICIOUS BEEFARONI. JUST LIKE MAMA USED TO
PASTEURIZE! OR THIS THING, CALLED "THE CRAZY
CALZONY" IN A MISGUIDED ATTEMPT TO DESTIGMATIZE MENTAL ILLNESS. UNLIMITED BRED STICKS, EVERYONE! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JOURNALIST CHRIS
WALLACE AND ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DO EMOJIS
STILL MEAN WHAT THEY USED TO? ALSO, WHAT DID EMOJIS USED TO
MEAN? STICK AROUND. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i>
♪ ♪ ♪
It's nice that they always wave goodbye to the kids
Gotta love when the University gets national recognition.
Watches video
Oh. That's embarrassing.