WELCOME ONE AT ALL, IN HERE, OUT
THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA, WELCOME TO "THE
LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I AM SO
HAPPY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- AS ARE YOU. WHAT A LOVELY EVENING. SO HAPPY YOU COULD JOIN US
TONIGHT FOR A MOMENTOUS DAY IN HISTORY OF SOME PEOPLE HAVING
WAY TOO MUCH MONEY! ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE FOR THE SECOND TIME IN NINE DAYS, A BILLIONAIRE TOOK A
JOY RIDE INTO THE IONSSPHERE. I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
TONIGHT IN THE SPACE NEWS BEZOS EDITION! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY FOR AMAZON FOUNDER AND TERMINATOR SENT FROM
THE FUTURE TO BE YOUR DENTIST, JEFF BEZOS. THIS MORNING, BEZOS AND 3 OTHERS
WERE SHOT INTO SPACE ON THIS BLUE ORIGIN ROCKET. JIM, C'MON, WE CAN'T SHOW THAT
ON CBS. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. IT'S A FAMILY SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNBELIEVABLE. I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY,
BILLIONAIRES AND THEIR ROCKETS END UP LOOKING JUST LIKE
EACH OTHER. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. HERE'S WHAT BEZOS SAID BEFORE
THE LAUNCH: EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN TO SPACE,
EVERY ASTRONAUT COMES BACK AND THEY SAY IT CHANGED THEM
SOMEHOW. >> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GOING
TO CHANGE ME BUT I KNOW IT'S GOING TO AND I'M EXCITED TO FIND
OUT HOW. >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S SEE
HOW HE CHANGED. OH MY GOD! A COWBOY HAT! A COWBOY HAT! SO HE WENT INTO SPACE AND
SOMEHOW BECAME EXTRA DIVORCED. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, CHANGE IN
IMAGE. NOW, ALL DAY, THE NEWS NETWORKS
COVERED THIS BREATHLESSLY - THERE WAS A WING CEREMONY, THERE
WERE CHALLENGE COINS, IT WAS ALL BILLED LIKE SOME BIG, OFFICIAL,
IMPORTANT THING. IT IS NOT. IT'S FUN. I LOVE SPACE TRAVEL. GOOD FOR THEM. BUT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. HERE'S HOW I KNOW IT'S NOT
IMPORTANT. I HOSTED THE LAST ONE OF THESE. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. FOR BRANSON. LOT OF FUN, BUT TALK SHOW HOSTS
DON'T ANCHOR HISTORIC EVENTS. EXCEPT OF COURSE WHEN ARSENIO
HALL INTERVIEWED THE BERLIN WALL. ( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, BOTH TIMES, WHEN THEY LANDED, THE BILLIONAUTS
SPRAYED EACH OTHER WITH CHAMPAGNE, LIKE IT'S THE END OF
A YACHT RACE. IF SOMETHING IS REALLY
IMPORTANT, IT DOESN'T NEED A BIG, WET CELEBRATION. YOU'LL REMEMBER: BUZZ ALDRIN
DIDN'T DOUSE NEIL ARMSTRONG WITH GATORADE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M MAKING SOME POINTS TONIGHT. >> Jon: I SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING. >> Stephen: BEZOS WAS SURE TO
SPREAD THE THANKS AROUND. >> I ALSO, WANT TO THANK EVERY
AMAZON EMPLOYEE AND EVERY AMAZON CUSTOMER. BECAUSE YOU GUYS PAID FOR ALL OF
THIS. SO--
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HA HA! HA HA! HA HA! IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
PAY TAXES-- OR HIS EMPLOYEES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEZOS TOLD THE CROWD HE BROUGHT SOME SPECIAL OBJECTS WITH HIM ON
HIS FLIGHT. >> THESE ARE AMELIA EARHART'S
GOGGLES, THE ONES SHE FLEW ACROSS THE ATLANTIC WITH SOLO. >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING CHOICE
FOR A GOOD LUCK CHARM. (AS BEZOS)
ALRIGHT, WE GOT AMELIA EARHART'S GOGGLES, A CHUNK OF ICEBERG FROM
THE TITANIC, AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S PLAYBILL. LET'S GO. NO ONE WANTS TO COME? OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE THE
4TH OF JULY, BUT TODAY IN CONGRESS, WE GOT FIREWORKS. THANKS TO KENTUCKY SENATOR AND
MAN WHO LET THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET CUT HIS HAIR, RAND
PAUL. EARLIER TODAY, PAUL GOT IN A
TUSSLE WITH DR ANTHONY FAUCI. I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIP,
AND YOU DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT RAND PAUL IS SAYING... HE CLEARLY DOESN'T. ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS, HE
TRIED TO CALL DR FAUCI A LIAR, AND THE GOOD DOCTOR JACKSLAPPED
HIM BACK TO HIS OLD KENTUCKY HOME. >> DR FAUCI, KNOWING IT IS A
CRIME TO LIE TO CONGRESS, DO YOU WISH TO RETRACT YOUR STATEMENT
OF MAY 11 WHERE YOU CLAIM THAT THE N.I.H. NEVER FUNDED GAIN OF
FUNCTION RESEARCH IN WUHAN? >> SENATOR PAUL, I HAVE NEVER
LIED BEFORE THE CONGRESS AND I DO NOT RETRACT THAT STATEMENT. THIS PAPER THAT YOU'RE REFERRING
TO WAS JUDGED BY QUALIFIED STAFF UP AND DOWN THE CHAIN AS NOT
BEING GAIN OF FUNCTION. >> SO YOU'RE SAYING --
>> LET ME FINISH... >> YOU TAKE AN ANIMAL VIRUS AND
YOU INCREASE ITS TRANSMISSIBILITY TO HUMANS,
YOU'RE SAYING THAT'S NOT GAIN OF FUNCTION? >> THAT IS CORRECT AND SENATOR
PAUL, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, QUITE
FRANKLY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I WANT TO SAY THAT OFFICIALLY. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
TALKING ABOUT. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. IT'S TIME TO CALL IT. TIME OF DEATH 11:41 P.M. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PHYSICIAN ON CALL: TONY FAUCI. CAUSE OF DEATH: TONY FAUCI. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE VIRUS IS TO GET PEOPLE
VACCINATED. BUT THAT'S QUITE A CHALLENGE,
BECAUSE A NEW POLL FOUND THAT MOST AMERICANS WHO STILL AREN'T
VACCINATED SAY NOTHING - NOT THEIR OWN DOCTOR, OR EVEN PAID
TIME OFF - IS LIKELY TO MAKE THEM GET THE SHOT. THESE PEOPLE ARE
DIE-HARD PRO-DYING. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN HAVE THEIR COLD DEAD HANDS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM
THEIR COLD DEAD WRISTS. MESSAGING CAMPAIGNS DON'T SEEM
TO HELP. AMONG THE UNVACCINATED, 70% SAID
THE ENDORSEMENT OF A CELEBRITY OR PUBLIC FIGURE THEY LIKE IS
NOT AT ALL LIKELY TO GET THEM TO TAKE A SHOT. HEY, I'M A CELEBRITY OR PUBLIC
FIGURE AND, DAMMIT, I'M STILL GONNA TRY. SO TONIGHT I'M ANNOUNCING A
PRIZE: UNVACCINATED PEOPLE, IF YOU GET THE SHOT, YOU WILL WIN
UNLIMITED OXYGEN, AND A CHANCE TO HAVE A PRIVATE DINNER WITH
GEORGE CLOONEY, LOOK-ALIKE DANTE, MY CAMERAMAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S JUST AS HANDSOME, AND HE WON'T TALK YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT
NESPRESSO. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE ALL THE ANTI-VAX PROPAGANDA ON FOX NEWS IS NOT
HELPING. AS ONE FORMER EXECUTIVE SAYS,
THE NETWORK HAD CONTRIBUTED SUBSTANTIALLY AND DIRECTLY TO
THE UNNECESSARY DEATHS OF MANY AMERICANS BY FUELING HESITATION
AND DOUBT ABOUT THE SAFETY OF VACCINES. NO SURPRISE. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FOX NEWS'
SLOGAN: WE REPORT. YOU JUST DIED. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT FOX TRIES TO PASS OFF THEIR ANTI-VAX SEGMENTS AS BEING ABOUT
FREEDOM. TAKE, FOX FRIEND AND CONTESTANT
ON "JEOPARDY" REALIZING HE SPELLED HIS OWN NAME WRONG,
BRIAN KILMEADE. ON MONDAY, KILMEADE DEFENDED
UNVACCINATED PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO DEFY MASK MANDATES:
>> IF YOU DIDN'T GET A VACCINATION, THAT'S YOUR CHOICE. BUT IF YOU DID, LIKE I DID AND
THEY DID AND MAYBE YOU DID, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR A MASK. AND IF YOU DID AND YOU WANT TO
GO CLIFF DIVING THIS WEEKEND, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK WITH ME. IT SEEMS A LITTLE DANGEROUS, BUT
I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU. AND IF YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT
YOURSELF IN DANGER, IF YOU FEEL AS THOUGH THIS IS NOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU, DON'T DO IT, BUT DON'T AFFECT MY LIFE. >> 99% OF THE PEOPLE DYING FROM
COVID ARE UNVACCINATED. >> THAT'S THEIR CHOICE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: SO THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY BELIEVES THAT BEING
UNVACCINATED AND MASKLESS IS THE SAME AS BEING A THRILLSEEKER WHO
JUMPS OFF CLIFFS. THAT ANALOGY DOES WORK, IF YOU
FIRST STRAP THAT CLIFF-JUMPER TO A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THAT? OH, DEAR GOD. FOLKS, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT TO
THE MONOLOGUE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A BREAKING TACO ALERT. ♪♪
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN ON TUESDAYS? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOES THAT MATH WORK OUT? >> Jon: YEAH, IT'S TUESDAY. >> Stephen: TOAD'S TEWS? ACCORDING TO HIGHLY-PLACED
SOURCES ON THE INTERNET, TACO BELL'S MENU HAS BEEN HIT BY
NATIONWIDE SHORTAGES OF INGREDIENTS. WOW, I HAD NO IDEA TACO BELL HAD
INGREDIENTS. ( LAUGHTER )
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST EXTRUDED. ( LAUGHTER )
THE BELL APOLOGIZED FOR THE SCARCITIES ON THEIR WEBSITE, BUT
THAT FELL ON DEAF EARS, AS CUSTOMERS TOOK TO THE INTERNET
WITH COMPLAINTS LIKE FOR ANYONE CRAVING TACO BELL
TONIGHT, I'LL SAVE YOU THE DRIVE, THEY DON'T HAVE CHICKEN
OR BEEF, AND NONE OF THE TACOS HAD LETTUCE OR TOMATO ON THEM. I WENT BACK THROUGH THE DRIVE
THROUGH AND ASKED ABOUT IT AND THEY SAID THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH
OUT OF ANYTHING THAT COMES FRESH. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OOH, THAT'S TOO BAD. BECAUSE WHEN YOU WANT FRESH
LETTUCE, YOU HEAD STRAIGHT TO YOUR NEAREST TACO BELL. ( LAUGHTER )
JUST LIKE WHEN WE WANT SUSHI, EVIE AND I MAKE A BEELINE FOR
OUR LOCAL WALGREENS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IF YOU'RE CRAVING A TASTE OF THE 'BELL, DON'T WORRY. BECAUSE THEY'RE INTRODUCING A
WHOLE NEW MENU WITH THEIR LIMITED SUPPLY. JIM? ♪♪
>> GET YOUR MOUTH READY FOR TACO BELL'S NEW LOCO SHORTAGE SUPREME
MENU. STARTING WITH THE GRANDE SOUR
CREAM LUPA, OUR SIGNATURE SOFT TORTILLA STUFFED WITH TWELVE
ZEST AT THIS DOLLOPS OF PLAIN DREAM. YOU'LL SAY GIVE MELESS OF OUR
BRAND-NEW QUADRUPLE DRAWNCH TACO, A CRISPY SHELL INSIDE A
CRISPY SHELL INSIDE ANOTHER CRISPY SHELL STUFFED IN A
DELICIOUS CRISPY SHELL AND FILLED WITH NAPKINS! WANT TO TAKE IT UP A NACHO? WE'VE GOT A HOT, SAVORY BURRITO
LAYERED WITH WHATEVER WAS IN DEB'S CAR! TODAY IT'S COUGH DROPS AND A
HANDFUL OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS, BECAUSE IT'S DEB'S WEEKEND WITH
BRYSON! STILL HUNGRY? BLAZE YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THE
NOT-CHIHUAHUA GORDITA WHICH IS NOT MADE FROM THE CHIHUAHUA THAT
USED TO BE OUR MASCOT. NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WENT. STOP ASKING! TACO BELL, IT'S 2:00 A.M., WHERE
ELSE ARE YOU GONNA GO? ( BELL SOUNDED )
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY GUEST IS JASON SUDEIKIS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HELP
RESCUE SOME RESCUE DOGS. ♪♪ PUPPIES, IT'S PUPPIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
