WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," ONE AND ALL. I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- TONIGHT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,
THE CITY IS ON HIGH ALERT. THE NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN
CALLED OUT, BARRICADES HAVE BEEN REINSTALLED IN FRONT OF THE
CAPITOL, LIBERTY IS GIRDING HER LOINS, AND THEY POPPED A CONDOM
ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. EVERYONE'S WORRIED BECAUSE UP TO
700 PEOPLE ARE EXPECTED TO ATTEND SATURDAY'S JUSTICE FOR
J-6 RALLY IN SUPPORT OF THOSE WHO RIOTED AT THE US CAPITOL ON
JANUARY 6TH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ( BOOING )
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT. YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE. ( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN? >> AUDIENCE: NO! >> Stephen: IT REMINDS ME OF
THE FAMOUS QUOTE "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM
HISTORY WILL BE AT THIS RALLY." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I'M ALL FOR JUSTICE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL
ON JANUARY 6TH. HAVE THEY LOCKED UP THE MAIN GUY
WHO STARTED THE WHOLE THING YET? HIS NAME'S ON THE TIP OF MY
TONGUE... ...AND IT TASTES TERRIBLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS RALLY WAS SOME KIND OF STING
OPERATION, LIKE WHEN THEY OFFER SUPER BOWL TICKETS TO VERY
STUPID FUGITIVES. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I WAS TOLD I COULD MEET TOM BRADY ANNNNND I'M BEING
HANDCUFFED. CAN I AT LEAST MEET GRONK? ( LAUGHTER )
DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO LEAVE TOWN, NO REPUBLICAN
MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE SAID THEY'RE GOING. THE RALLY IS EVEN BEING SKIPPED
BY FORMER PRESIDENT "SWEENY FRAUD." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REPORTEDLY, HE VIEWS THE PLANNED
PROTEST AS A SETUP THAT THE NEWS MEDIA WILL USE AGAINST HIM
REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME. YEP, HE'S DAMNED IF HE DOES AND
DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T. POINT IS, HE CAN GO TO HELL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT NOW WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT, AND HE'S MAKING NEWS. YESTERDAY, JOE BIDEN HELD A
NATIONAL SECURITY EVENT AND WAS JOINED VIRTUALLY BY BRITISH,
AUSTRALIAN P.M.S. OF COURSE, IN AUSTRALIA, BECAUSE
OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE, THE P.M. IS TECHNICALLY THE A.M.. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE... THE PURPOSE OF THE NATIONAL
SECURITY ZOOM CALL WAS TO ANNOUNCE A TRILATERAL SECURITY
PARTNERSHIP WITH BRITAIN AND AUSTRALIA. IN IT, THE U.S. ANNOUNCED IT
WOULD SHARE ITS NUCLEAR-POWERED SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY WITH
AUSTRALIA AS PART OF A NEW DEFENSE PARTNERSHIP. THAT'S A BIG CHANGE IN FOREIGN
POLICY. THE LAST PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER
SHARE A SUB, OR REALLY ANY SANDWICH. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
PRISON STYLE. AUSTRALIA REALLY NEEDS THIS. BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME REAL
PROBLEMS WITH THEIR OLD SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY. TAKE A LOOK. ( PINGING SOUND )
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST POOR PLANNING IS WHAT THAT IS. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT IS REALLY BIG. IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1958
THAT WE'RE SHARING OUR NUCLEAR SUB SECRETS. CHINA IS UPSET AND SAYS WE'RE
FACING A NEW COLD WAR, BUT THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS HISTORIC
MEETING IS THAT BIDEN APPEARED TO FORGET THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME
MINISTER'S NAME: THANK YOU, BORIS, AND --
AND I WANT TO THANK THAT FELLOW DOWN UNDER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAL. APPRECIATE IT, MISTER PRIME
MINISTER. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, PAL. THIS GUY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU, PAL. MR. PRIME MINISTER, CHIEF, BIG
GUY, CROCODILE DUNDEE. KOALA KID,
OL' PLATYPUS PETE. "MAN FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER,
WHERE THE BEER DOES FLOW AND MEN CHUNDER." YOU'RE MY KANGAROO JACK, JACK. I'M YOUR LITTLE JOEY. THROW ME IN YOUR POUCH, AND
LET'S GO GET A BLOOMIN' ONION. LET'S BUILD BACK OUTBACK BETTER
I'M KIDDIN' AROUND. I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND ABOUT
KIDDIN' AROUND. ( LAUGHTER )
CRIKEY! ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUYS ARE A CHEAP DATE. I LIKE IT. SOME ARE CALLING THIS THE
BLUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER. SO FAR, JUST ME. AND IT'S PRETTY DUMB. I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THE NAME OF
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER: MR. INCORRECT PASS CODE. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER, HERE IN THE UP OVER, THE
SPACE RACE HAS BEEN HEATING UP, INSPIRING BILLIONAIRES
EVERYWHERE TO BUILD THEIR OWN GIANT FIRE-PENIS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT NOW AVERAGE JOES ARE GETTIN' IN ON THE GAME, AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR LATEST INSTALLMENT OF
(ECHOING) >> SPACE NEWS! CIVILIANS IN SPACE EDITION! >> WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD? >> STEPHEN: LAST NIGHT,
AEROSPACE COMPANY SPACEX MADE HISTORY BY LAUNCHING THE FIRST
ALL-CIVILIAN CREW TO ORBIT THE EARTH. MEANING, THERE WERE NO
PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS ON BOARD. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM, BUT I
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, SINCE I OWN A CHAIN OF
LAUNDROMATS. I HAVE ALREADY CLEANED THE LINT
TRAP. I'M GONNA TRY PUTTIN' IN MORE
QUARTERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU. >> Stephen: THE MISSION IS
CALLED INSPIRATION 4, AND ITS FEARLESS
CIVILIAN LEADER IS BILLIONAIRE C.E.O. AND COLLEGE ROOMMATE
WHO'S JUST GOING TO STICK AROUND WHILE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT, JARED
ISAACMAN. ISAACMAN BOUGHT THIS FLIGHT
BECAUSE HE HOPES TO RAISE $200 MILLION FOR KIDS WITH CANCER. IT'S A NOBLE GOAL, BUT WHEN
YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH SAY ANY OF YOUR
FANCY HOBBIES ARE FOR CHARITY. (AS POMPOUS RICH GUY)
SEX PARTY AT MY PLACE, IT'S FOR AFFORDABLE HOUSING. AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT
THE LAST LIVING WHITE RHINO FOR MESOTHELIOMA. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S A LOOK AT LAST NIGHT'S
LAUNCH. SINCE THIS CREW IS ALL
CIVILIANS, THE SPACE CAPSULE IS OPERATED COMPLETELY
AUTONOMOUSLY. BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE
PASSENGERS FROM HAING FUN WITH THE TOUCHSCREENS. (AS SPACE-GOER)
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE "I AM LEGEND" AND ONE EPISODE FROM
SEASON 2 OF "LOIS AND CLARK." I'M GONNA ORDER A SNACK-BOX. UNLIKE BEZOS AND RICHARD
BRANSON'S ROCKETS, THE INSPIRATION 4 CREW ISN'T JUST
POPPING INTO SPACE FOR A FEW MINUTES. IT'LL BE A THREE-DAY JOURNEY IN
ORBIT, CIRCLING THE EARTH EVERY 90 MINUTES. THREE DAYS WASN'T THE ORIGINAL
PLAN, BUT PARKING ON EARTH IS REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW. SOMEBODY PUT UP SOME CONES OR
SOMETHING. ( LAUGHTER )
SOME OF THE MONEY WILL BE RAISED BY AUCTIONING OFF ITEMS THE CREW
IS TAKING INTO ORBIT. LIKE A UKULELE THAT ONE OF THE
PASSENGERS WILL PLAY ABOARD THE SPACECRAFT. SO IT'S THREE DAYS TRAPPED IN A
CONFINED SPACE WITH THE GUY WHO PULLS OUT THE UKULELE AT A
PARTY. ( APPLAUSE )
IN SPACE NO ONE CAN YOU HEAR YOU SCREAM, "PUT THAT (BLEEP)
UKULELE AWAY." ( LAUGHTER )
HARD-HITTING JOKE. BACK ON EARTH, THE COVID VACCINE
HAS BEEN PREVENTING SERIOUS OUTBREAKS FOR MONTHS, BUT THAT
HASN'T STOPPED CONSPIRACY THEORISTS FROM COMING UP WITH
THEIR OWN QUACKTASTIC COVID CURES. I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF DISINFORMATION STATION! THE VACCINE'LL GIVE YOUR OVARIES
5G! >> Stephen: GOOD TO KNOW. THE LATEST NONSENSE COVID
TREATMENT MAKING THE ROUNDS ON FACEBOOK CLAIMS THAT, THE
CORONAVIRUS CAN BE KILLED BY INHALING ONION FUMES AND EATING
ONIONS. OK, THAT WON'T CURE COVID, BUT
IT WILL MAKE YOU AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE FOR THE PERSON TESTING
YOU. OK, JUST PULL DOWN YOUR MASK,
AND... OH DEAR GOD
I DIDN'T KNOW A TONGUE COULD HAVE B.O.. IT'S NOT JUST EATING. THE SAME POSTS ALSO CLAIM THAT
SIMPLY PLACING ONIONS AROUND YOUR HOUSE CAN WARD OFF THE
VIRUS. AND IF YOU ADD GARLIC, YOU CAN
WARD OFF VAMPIRES THAT HAVE THE VIRUS. ( LAUGHTER )
ANOTHER FAKE COVID CURE MAKING THE ROUNDS: ANTI-VAXXERS ARE
GARGLING THE ANTISEPTIC BETADINE, WHICH IS TYPICALLY
USED TO KILL BACTERIA IN WOUNDS AND IS OCCASIONALLY USED AS A
DOUCHE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YOU HEAR THAT, DUMMIES? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USED AS A
DOUCHE NOT BY A DOUCHE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD TO KNOW. IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CURE-NONE
HAS BECOME SO POPULAR THAT BETADINE HAS HAD TO ADD A PAGE
TO THEIR WEBSITE RESPONDING TO QUESTIONS LIKE CAN I USE
BETADINE PRODUCTS TO KILL THE CORONAVIRUS? OR TO PREVENT OR TREAT COVID 19? THE ANSWER -- NO. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO STOP ANTIVAXXERS. (AS DUMB GUY)
BABE, THE WEBSITE SAYS NO. CALL THE FEED STORE. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE HORSE
DOUCHE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO, WE'VE HAD
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, IVERMECTIN, AND NOW ONIONS AND BETADINE. AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST
GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE AND ANNOUNCE WHAT WILL NOT TREAT
COVID: WITCH HAZEL
TIDE PODS PEPTO BISMOL
PEPTO BISMOL UP THE BUTT LICKING BATTERIES
DOING JUMPING JACKS SNORTING DORITO DUST
TWO TURNTABLES AND A MICROPHONE HUSH PUPPIES
ONE TURNTABLE AND A MICROPHONE, EXPIRED ZIMA
REALLY ASPICY A-MEATBALLS SAYING "CANDYMAN" IN A MIRROR
FIVE TIMES OR GETTING BANGS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS MELISSA
MCCARTHY. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE."
