WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I'M --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT IS -- THAT IS EXACTLY THE
KIND OF ENERGY I NEED BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR COAT IT,
FOLKS, THE NEWS HAS BEEN A BIT ROUGH LATELY, WHICH HAS LED TO
SOME OF OUR NEWSPAPERS TO BROADEN THEIR MARKETING
STRATEGY. THIS MORNING I SAW THIS SHOCKING
TWEET -- THE "NEW YORK TIMES" IS ROLLING OUT 18-PLUS
SUBSCRIBER-ONLY NEWSLETTERS. THAT'S RIGHT, Y'ALL. ADULTS-ONLY CONTENT FOR 18 AND
OVER. IT'S THE "NEW YORK TIMES" --
ATER DARK ( SENSUAL MUSIC )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE SLIGHTLY CHANGING THEIR MASTHEAD: "ALL THE NUDES THAT'S
FIT TO PRINT." THINGS ARE GOING TO GET NASTY AT
THE OLD GREY LADY-- OR, AS I CALL HER "THE MATURE HONEY." GET READY TO SEE "NEW YORK
TIMES" CROSSWORD PUZZLE EDITOR WILL SHORTZ, SANS SHORTS. ( LAUGHTER )
ARE YOU READY TO SOLVE 69-DOWN? ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A SEVEN-LETTER WORD FOR -- BIRTHDAY PRESENT. ( LAUGHTER )
THE INDUSTRY INSIDER WHO POSTED THE ORIGINAL "18+" TWEET HAS
SINCE DELETED IT AND EXPLAINED, "TO BE CLEAR, I GOT LAZY AND
SHOULD HAVE SAID "AT LEAST 18 NEWSLETTERS. ( LAUGHTER )
THE 'NEW YORK TIMES' IS NOT GETTING INTO PORN." DAMN IT! ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT'S TRUE, THEY'RE NOT GETTING INTO PORN-- THEY'VE BEEN
DOING IT FOR YEARS. ( LAUGHTER )
REMEMBER THEIR HEADLINE: "TITANIC GOES DOWN... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IF THE "NEW YORK TIMES" ISN'T YOUR THING, YOU'VE STILL
GOT THE "WASHINGTON POST." AFTER ALL, THAT PAPER'S SLOGAN
IS "DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS... BUT BANGS WITH THE
LIGHTS ON." ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO COVID THE NEWS SHOULD BE RATED "R,"
FOR "R WE EVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?"
THE DELTA VARIANT HAS CAUSED A HUGE COVID SPIKE, BUT NOT EVERY
REGION HAS BEEN AFFECTED EQUALLY. CASES ARE GOING UP GRADUALLY IN
THE NORTHEAST, MIDWEST, AND WEST, BUT THE SOUTH WILL RISE
AGAIN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE PROBLEM IS-- YOU GUESSED IT--
IN THE SOUTH, FEWER PEOPLE ARE VACCINATED, ON AVERAGE. YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN THE
CLASSIC SOUTHERN NOVEL, "TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD BY GIVING IT
MEDICAL ADVICE FROM FACEBOOK." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
CASES ARE RISING SO QUICKLY THAT MISSISSIPPI'S HOSPITAL SYSTEM
COULD FAIL IN TEN DAYS. THEY'RE GOING TO TRY TO EXTEND
THAT TIME BY COUNTING ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI... ( LAUGHTER )
THREE MISSISSIPPI... ONE MISSISSIPPI MEDICAL CENTER
EVEN OPENED A PARKING GARAGE BASEMENT FIELD HOSPITAL. NOT EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT TO
GET YOUR HEALTHCARE. (AS DOCTOR)
"I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE YOU, MS. JOHNSON. THIS BED IS FOR COMPACT CARS
ONLY." ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU KNOW WHO WANTS YOU TO TAKE
THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY? THE KINDERGARTEN COP HIMSELF,
FORMER CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. HE HAD STRONG WORDS FOR PEOPLE
WHO WON'T WEAR MASKS OR GET VACCINATED. >> I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW
THERE IS A VIRUS HERE. IT KILLS PEOPLE. AND THE ONLY WAY WE PREVENT IT
IS, WE GET VACCINATED, WE WEAR MASKS, WE DO SOCIAL DISTANCING,
WASHING OUR HANDS ALL THE TIME, AND NOT JUST THINKING ABOUT,
"WELL, MY FREEDOM IS BEING KIND OF DISTURBED HERE." NO, SCREW YOUR FREEDOM, BECAUSE
WITH FREEDOM COMES OBLIGATIONS AND RESPONSIBILITIES. YOU HAVE THE FREEDOM TO WEAR NO
MASK, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE A SCHMUCK FOR NOT WEARING
A MASK. >> Stephen: WOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW! WOW! THE TERMINATOR IS SO MAD. BUT HE'S NOT GOING BACK IN TIME
TO KILL YOUR MOTHER. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. BECAUSE BY REFUSING THE VACCINE,
YOU'LL DO IT FOR HIM. SPEAKING OF CALIFORNIA--
INOY, IT'S A SAD STORY, ISN'T IT? BUTBUT IT'S A TRUE ONE. SPEAKING OF CALIFORNIA --
FLORIDA -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR NEARLY ONE IN FIVE U.S. COVID
CASES. ALSO, ONE IN FIVE CASES OF
SPRING BREAK CHLAMYDIA. THIS HUGE SURGE DOESN'T SEEM TO
-- THAT'S ALSO A SAD BUT STREW STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
VERY TENDER AUDIENCE TONIGHT. VERY, VERY. I'LL BE GENTLE. THIS HUGE SURGE DOESN'T SEEM TO
CONCERN FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS, SEEN HERE BOASTING THE
HIGHEST NUMBER HE CAN COUNT TO. ( BOOING )
DESANTIS HAS CLASHED REPEATEDLY WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN OVER COVID
SAFETY PROTOCOLS. LAST WEEK, BIDEN SAID THAT IF
DESANTIS WASN'T WILLING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT COVID, THEN HE
SHOULD GET OUT OF THE WAY OF PEOPLE WHO WILL. THAT LED TO THIS EXCHANGE. >> DO YOU HAVE A RESPONSE TO
GOVERNOR DESANTIS, WHO IS USING YOUR WORDS ABOUT "DON'T BE IN
THE WAY," AND HE'S SAYING "I AM IN THE WAY TO BLOCK TOO MUCH
INTERFERENCE FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT." YOUR RESPONSE, MR. PRESIDENT? >> GOVERNOR WHO? ( LAUGHS )
>> DeSANTIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: COME ON. COME ON, HA, HA. HA, HA, HA. BUT, COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT,
SHOW SOME RESPECT. HE SHOULD BE ADDRESSED BY HIS
FULL NAME: GOVERNOR WHO... DOESN'T CARE IF HIS VOTERS LIVE
OR DIE. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WEEK, FLORIDA, THE SUNSHINE STATE HAD TO ASK
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO SEND HUNDREDS OF VENTILATORS TO
FLORIDA. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWKWARD
CONSIDERING LAST WEEK, DESANTIS SAID THIS TO BIDEN:
>> I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A BLIP ABOUT COVID FROM YOU. >> Stephen: WELL, GOVERNOR,
LOOKS LIKE IT'S YOUR TURN TO EAT BLIP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH, BLIP FOR BRAINS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT DESANTIS TRIED TO PLAY OFF HIS STATE'S DESPERATE REQUEST
FOR VENTILATORS. >> I'M NOT-- I DIDN'T ASK, I
DIDN'T KNOW, I HAVE NOT HEARD ABOUT THAT. SO I WOULD HAVE TO CHECK TO SEE
WHETHER THAT'S TRUE OR NOT. >> STEPHEN: (AS DESANTIS)
"I DIDN'T ASK. I HAVEN'T HEARD. I HAVE TO CHECK IF THAT'S TRUE
OR NOT. OR IF I'M EVEN GOVERNOR OR NOT. I MEAN, DOES CORONAVIRUS EVEN
EXIST? MAYBE NONE OF US ARE REAL. WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING IN A
GIANT'S DREAM, AND-- SMOKE BOMB!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF THE ADDLED RAMBLINGS OF A DISEASED BRAIN: THERE'S
SOME NEWS ABOUT MYPILLOW C.E.O. MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE NOT
BUYING CRACK. LINDELL IS BEING SUED BY
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS FOR $1 BILLION FOR HIS LIES ABOUT
ELECTION FRAUD. BUT HE'S NOT GIVING UP. THIS WEEK, HE HELD A
LIVE-STREAMED CYBER SYMPOSIUM, FOR WHICH HE HIRED A CYBER
EXPERT "RED TEAM" AND GAVE THEM WHAT HE SAID WAS 37 TERABYTES OF
IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE THAT HACKERS BROKE INTO ELECTION
SYSTEMS USING INTERCEPTED "PACKET CAPTURES." PACKET CAPTURES, OF COURSE, IS A
TECHNICAL TERM THAT YOU MIGHT KNOW BY THEIR STREET NAME,
"PILLOW CASES." ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THE CYBER RESULTS ARE IN: LINDELL'S TEAM ANNOUNCED THAT
THEY CAN'T PROVE HIS CLAIMS THAT CHINA HACKED THE ELECTION. WHEN ASKED WHY, THEY SAID, "WE
WERE HANDED A TURD." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND THAT TURD LOST THE ELECTION. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CNN CALLED OUT LINDELL'S
CYBER-NONSENSE, AND THAT DIDN'T SIT TOO WELL WITH ONE ATTENDEE. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I'M NOT
A COMPUTER GUY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MOST OF THIS
STUFF MEANS. BUT I'VE BEEN RESEARCHING THIS
ELECTION SINCE NOVEMBER 3. BUT THE CNNS OF THE WORLD, YOU
GUYS NEED TO START REPORTING THIS AND STOP FACT-CHECKING IT. >> STEPHEN: YES! STOP "FACT-CHECKING," CNN! IT'S A WASTE OF TIME! THIS IS MIKE LINDELL. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CHECK,
YOU WON'T FIND ANY FACTS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE BEING SUED FOR A BILLION DOLLARS: THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE LOSING A
STARING CONTEST TO SOUP. ( LAUGHTER )
RUDY HAS ALSO BEEN SUED BY DOMINION. FOR A BILLION DOLLARS. NOW HE'S FACING A MOUNTAIN OF
LEGAL FEES. THAT MOUNTAIN'S IN HIS
APARTMENT, RIGHT NEXT TO THE MOUNTAIN OF EMPTY FRANZIA BOXES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TOTALLY WORTH IT. TOTALLY WORTH IT. ON TOP OF THAT, RUDY'S LAW
LICENSE IN WASHINGTON WAS SUSPENDED, AND HE WAS SUSPENDED
FROM PRACTICING LAW IN NEW YORK DUE TO "DEMONSTRABLY FALSE AND
MISLEADING" STATEMENTS ABOUT THE ELECTION. WHICH MEANS HE'S CUT OFF FROM
HIS PREVIOUS SOURCE OF INCOME: TELLING LIES NEXT TO A DILDO
SHOP. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) RUDY IS DESPERATE FOR CASH, SO
THIS WEEK, HE DID WHAT ALL PUBLIC SERVANTS DO WHEN THEY
NEED A SECOND CAREER: HE JOINED CAMEO, THE WEBSITE
WHERE YOU CAN PAY FOR A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM FOLKS LIKE
LENNY DYKSTRA, AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED HODOR. WHICH IS PERFECT IF YOU WANT TO
WISH YOUR NEPHEW A VERY HODOR HODOR. HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO GET
AMERICA'S MAYOR TO WISH YOU A HAPPY QUINCEANERA? 275 BUCKS. THAT'S A GOOD DEAL. HE'S 25 BUCKS CHEAPER THAN
SNOOKI! ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH MAKES SENSE. WHICH MAKES TOTAL SENSE. SHE WAS ON "THE JERSEY SHORE." HE LOOKS LIKE HE WASHED UP ON
THE JERSEY SHORE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HERE'S A TASTE. >> HELLO, BILL, IT'S RUDY
GIULIANI, AND I'M WISHING YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I CAN NEVER REMEMBER A
CENSORSHIP LIKE THIS, WHERE THE HARD DRIVE, THE ELECTION, THEY
JUST CUT OFF 80% OF YOUR ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. SO, I AM VERY WORRIED FOR OUR
COUNTRY. AT OUR AGE, WE WANT TO MAKE SURE
WE LEAVE THE COUNTRY TO YOUR WONDERFUL SONS. YOUR WONDERFUL SONS, JEFF AND
DAVID, WE WANT TO LEAVE IT AS STRONG AS WE GOT IT. AND RIGHT NOW, IT'S HEADED IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION. >> STEPHEN: WHAT AN UPLIFTING
CELEBRATION. ( LAUGHTER )
"I WANT TO WISH YOU A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY, AND MANY MORE. HOPEFULLY NOT SPENT IN THE
CLINTON FOUNDATION'S FORCED LABOR CAMPS, WHERE SOCIALISTS
WILL MAKE YOUR WONDERFUL SONS JEFF AND DAVID CASTRATE
MR. POTATO HEAD." ( LAUGHTER )
HE EVEN SHARES HIS WISDOM WITH INCOMING COLLEGE KIDS. >> JOHNNY, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
GOING TO BEGIN YOUR FIRST YEAR AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS. I WENT TO N.Y.U. LAW SCHOOL,
WHICH I'M SURE YOU'LL SEE EVERY DAY ON YOUR WAY TO CLASS. NOBODY CAN TELL YOU IN THIS
POINT IN YOUR CAREER WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO. >> STEPHEN: SO TRUE. SOMETIMES YOU START OUT
PRACTICING LAW, AND END UP AS A VIDEO BIRTHDAY CLOWN. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY GUEST IS JENNIFER HUDSON. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE!" ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
