Parents that regret having kids, why? r/AskReddit | Reddit Jar

serious parents who regret having kids why I feel like it has destroyed my marriage both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be we never talk to each other we never do anything together and the very very infrequent SX is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over four years now I love my child more than anyone else on earth save for my wife but I miss having a companion in life if I had known it would be like this I don't think I would have made the same decisions I wasn't ready to stop being selfish I'm only two years and so it's still the intense stage but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me definitely killed any semblance of spontaneity in my life all you need is a special-needs kid to think something along the lines of I wouldn't want him to die or anything but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently double-quote my daughter was born mentally disabled I alway tell myself it could be worse that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone she will be institutionalized and abused probably I love my boys more than I ever thought I could however it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with a baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me he will wake about three times between now and when the toddler wakes of 6:00 a.m. I'm carrying 20 kilograms more than uncomfortable women have no clothes that fit I feel guilt for so many choices I make there are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to the needs of two and still find time for my needs people tell me it will get easier before now I'm hating it got two kids both teenagers now the eldest has anxiety and depression sometimes I wonder how my wife and I have managed to stay married through it all we love both our kids more than anything but having one with mental health issues is just exhausting you start to anticipate the crazy as you're driving home from work almost nothing gets her out of her moods and it weighs heavy on all the relationships in the household she does therapy and meds and they help some but it's like she's just hell-bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything so then you imagine the life that this person you love is likely to lead given this tendency and it's just depressing it gets hard to maintain hope regret is a strong word but if we could go back to when she was little and happy and just stay there it would be a lot better when we did the family history to see the chances of any defects not only did he lie to me his whole family did all the ultrasounds were normal so imagine my surprise when I hear I have feet supposed to look like that dot she has club feet and it's not easy she needed full leg casts and is still on braces she is one and can't walk on top of that I was just informed she will be needing tendon surgery on her left foot only after this ordeal do I find out that his family has a history of disorders imagine blaming yourself for months thinking you could have done something different but it was not your fault dealing with her feet is a huge strain financially and emotionally if you are planning on having a baby always be truthful to your partner I come from a broken up family and never wanted that for my kids I wanted a full family with no step parents or split visitation I'm now a single father of two who have different moms I really wanted things to work but they just never did my one kid has a mom who has now went 3 weeks without seeing him because has refused to do an eight-hour drug class I paid for my other sons mom is great though and we do 50 stroke 50 outside of course so that's nice but I still wish things went this way my regret isn't exactly having kids it's having them with people I mistakenly thought were who I would be with the rest of my life some days it's hard not to regret it I have a six-year-old with severe ADHD brain trauma at birth and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers my wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them I love them but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do I regret it because I'm miserable absolutely miserable I feel like I got pressured into it by my wife she wouldn't take no for an answer well he got f ked on the first pregnancy and had twins had only been married a year ish after that my marriage went way past the [ __ ] and just got worse after a while it got better and then she wanted another kid I still didn't want the first two but I gave in now we have three I'm even more miserable I feel stuck and I can't please everyone I work a sh t ton so my wife has the most of the time whenever I disciplined them she screams at me because I'm not doing it her way I'm constantly belittled by her and always told I'm doing something wrong I actually hate my life I've contemplated offing myself a few times but would feel bad for doing that to my kids not my wife my kids I wake up every day hating myself my life and every f king choice I've ever made if I could go back in time I would beat the sh t out of myself with a crowbar for even contemplating getting married literally would do anything to start over and be single forever I'm only 25 but I never would have thought I would hate life this much when I was 18 I don't regret having my kids so much as keeping them I feel badly that I'm their mother and my husband is their father because we've made some serious mistakes and they have to deal with that I was 17 when I had my eldest two twins and I genuinely did not understand how much my brain was still changing and how I'm prepared I was in how I'm prepared I would remain the first few years I felt like I really did pretty well not even pretty well for a Teen Mom I thought I was a pretty excellent mama overall as I've gotten older and more self-aware that has changed this isn't a constant crushing feeling or anything just something that hurts from time to time and I try and deal and again I don't regret having them I understand that I'm biased but I truly believe that all four of them are wonderful people in the world is a much better place with a minute but I regret not handing them over to someone who would have done a better job mother of the 19 month old here I so get this I'm worn out and beat down by my life I'm a single mother if it weren't for my mom footing almost every bill in my life my daughter and I would be homeless and starving the basic facts I can't work because childcare is $400 a week and I can't find a job that will make 400 a week the able working to put my kid in daycare and nothing else getting a job would deem me ineligible for cash assistance and food stamps $1,200 mill income limit and the state wouldn't pay my child care so I couldn't continue going to college full-time the 569 dollars in cash I get from welfare is immediately gone paying CC bills and regular bills usually left with a negative balance my poor mother fills in the gaps however I will say my food stamps are enough to get us through the month I feel so stuck in my cycle I'm in I try so hard to get a good job but despite experience and education nobody thinks I'm good enough to answer phones for more that 16 dollars an hour in the Silicon Valley that's the lowest livable wage TLDR i'm f king broke I have three kids and quite frequently wish I had zero I never wanted kids and knew I wanted more from my life than dirty diapers and minivans I was okay with the first two but the third really made me question everything again this is not what I want to be doing with my life I had my kids at such a young age 15 19 24 that I don't stand a chance of doing anything significant with my life other than saying hey I raised three more humans you're welcome what an accomplishment when my kids were young Columbine happened I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world I regretted it for a long time then they had heartbreak from young love and I regretted it again I hated that me wanting kids of my own course those kids too hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from but they've grown up to be happy healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal you know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy I felt nothing honestly I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do however I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should my bones are well cared for and I am always here for them but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable it is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can I don't get to leave this job though the worst is how I'm demonym everything I can for them for 16 years including all the extracurriculars kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear and it has never been easy shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids that doesn't sound hard to me nope I fail because I want my own life I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses it's even harder when you're a strong introvert it's driven me into one again off again depression I've been on medication since our first one was born the second one was a stupid mistake Plan B also didn't work I've since got a vasectomy although I should have gotten one after the first was born stuck with an infant and a toddler now I'm also a father who stays at home so that comes with its own societal [ __ ] I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like it's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping go f ck yourself my life turned into a living hell when my eldest son was a teenager he started using drugs at 14 he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age things continued to escalate and we had no control of him we tried everything he continued to use drugs he sold drugs the state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18 he could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home so we were forced to keep him in our home it was four years of living hell I had to break downs and our marriage was torn apart he was a good kid until age 14 smart in school and neither my husband nor I used drugs there's no guarantee how your kid will turn out I came in here being excited that my time had come I could share then started looking for my unique view to not be here it is here everywhere I started having kids early accidentally and loved them but stopped late when I died most of my life will have been spent raising kids and not doing fun stuff that I love this thread is depressing late to the party but hey ho I was a mother of three the things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep autonomy money etc are all valid and they last much much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have to on completely different schedules but they do end eventually but and this is a big but my biggest regret is my youngest because she died at age six she had a brain tumor which made her blind and adversely affected her behavior and she consumed my time and energy completely her loss nearly destroyed our family I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things on a practical level anyway are now easier without her I feel like I had my son with my ex-partner under false pretences so to speak and now that were not together I sometimes feel like life would just be easier if we hadn't had a child together back story I found out when my son was only a few months old that his father had been cheating on me basically our entire relationship lying manipulating and basically being a horrible human being and we split we didn't have the most amicable breakup and had to sort out court agreements visitation etc he now basically nitpicks everything and anything he couldn't makes life difficult I wouldn't take back my son for the world but sometimes I just feel like this isn't exactly what I signed up for and if I'd know about everything before I became pregnant things will be so much different naturally I'm not the biggest fan of my father's son due to the cheating et Cie so having to be in constant contact into being tied together like this for life isn't much fun because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are actually they take away from your quality of life daily my kids are 13 and 11 and they still mess up my daily life worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time I do not recommend having children maybe one but not necessary we perpetuate the species needlessly I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar on to them they both suffer from really bad depression trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and didn't the disservice now they are grown and they rarely make time for me Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook my youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him the eldest is even worse I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me long story short I did my best but it didn't matter they spend all your resources eat all your food loud as f ck all the time having a child costs a lot of money you can't just do what you want anymore you need permission from whoever is going to watch your child I got my girlfriend unexpectedly pregnant when we found out I didn't want to keep it we are young working shitty jobs and not emotionally ready for kids but for some reason I was foolish enough to allow myself to be dragged into it our daughter is 10 months old I recently graduated but still haven't found a job and my girlfriend just started school again we're basically just living off of our parents and it's pretty pathetic I just started a new job and one of my co-workers asked me what my hobbies were and I had to scramble to make something up I have none now I'm just a boring person now all I do is come home to crying and screaming and bitching I have lost all but my closest friends basically I feel like my life had all this great potential that has now been snuffed out I really do love my kid though she's beautiful and probably the only thing that brings me any intimate and joy anymore but deep down I really do just feel like killing myself because emotionally I am dead already I odd in that I have grandchildren without ever having had children I married a woman with two grown children 17 and 21 and now I'm a grandfather of three granddaughters witnessing what I have as a grandfather has made my decision to have a vasectomy at 27 single best one of my entire life I am why way too selfish with my time and money and it would have totally ruined my marriage to have kids of our own it's bizarre how much I love my kid and yet if I could go back I'd never even answer her mom's email we want me divorce when we decided to attempt reconciliation we had a drunk hookup and now we're trying to figure out how to live with each other she went full religious and I'm still the same militant atheist I always have been we're 100% incompatible that the thought of a divorce is terrifying I feel like I can't do many of the things I want to do and I'm now tied to this relative area b/c I'm not going to have a child and not be around also I cannot stand my child's mother we can't get along at all and she has no issues with lying to get what she wants and we have a horrible relationship I love my daughter but since she was born our marriage just took a seat on the back burner forget about spontaneous sex Vashti went out the window we are lucky to have SX two or three times a month sleep I [ __ ] wish I don't necessarily regret having my daughter but goddamn do I miss the former life my wife and I once shared I miss just hanging out at home on a Saturday night watching well anything the hell we wanted I miss those simple road trips I miss those simple trips to the grocery store you realize you are a parent the minute you find yourself at the grocery store your wife at home with a kid and you just mindlessly wandering the aisles looking for [ __ ] it doesn't really matter you are out not hearing the crying and screaming of your kids it's funny I never thought using the bathroom would one day be considered me time I really don't like kids I love my kids but god damn they are hard to deal with my eldest is hitting puberty and he is moody all the time my middle is still in a verbal diarrhea stage where he feels the need to comment on everything trying to be funny and my four year old I hate dealing with spoiled irrational [ __ ] and that is what you get from four-year-olds what sucks is that I love them all they are pretty good kids I just have so little in common and share no interests add and that all I want is time to myself and all my wife wants is more time as a family and I am pretty sure I'm heading for an early grave this entire threat should be taught in high school SX said most people don't realize what having a child is actually like it is hard it will change your life and relationships it is not bad people just need to have a more realistic understanding of what's involved I had son that was born when I was 18 he is now 11 I was the kid I did not do well with parenting and correctly sacrificing to work with his mother we lasted about a year after he was born I still get to hang out with him every other weekend and talk to him on the phone when I can I am 30 now and have a 7mo with a woman I love I was prepared this time I learned everything I could about the birth process and newborns I continue to learn every day it is just amazing don't get me wrong my wife and I are tired all the time we don't have SX as often or see our friends often enough but I was prepared for that life is a wonderful f ked up journey educate yourself the best you can in do the best you can with the rest losing so much of yourself your partner and your freedom is what's worst in the beginning but as my children get older I'm realizing how fatherhood has revealed the worst parts of my character petty angry short-tempered remote I don't recognize the person I have become I'm afraid I've been unequal to the task of parenthood and in the process it turned me into less of a person new father here absolutely never wanted children never an ex and I reconnected after she went through a not-so-nice divorce leaving the marriage with a son in tow one night the condom broke I mentioned this and inquired about birth control her response was that she couldn't have children without medical intervention as was with her only successful pregnancy we desist it more and she told me that if she were to ever become pregnant with my child she'd aborted which I supported turns out things change not only can she get pregnant but she turned out to be adamantly against abortion now I'm a father of a two month old daughter I regret it because how can I advise her not to ruin her own life by having kids someday without breaking her heart I don't regret my daughter I love her to bits and would move the world for her but the first three years of her life I deeply wished I had never heard her she didn't sleep through the night until the age of two one stroke - that's a long time to deal with sleep deprivation I also had postpartum depression with auditory hallucinations that's right I was sad and heard voices for nearly two years my a sex drive collapsed completely and still hasn't recovered a full seven years later it's been hard my husband and I are just now starting on rebuilding our relationship we're taking our first vacation alone in 80 years in a few weeks I'm so excited we were too young it has been too rough on us and too rough on them we should have established our lives relationship and finances more also f ck religion I regret having my son because of my mental illness not only does it make parenting a hundred times harder I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that my kid may inherit it it's something I would never wish upon anyone yet I unknowingly did it to the person I love most in the world I wasn't diagnosed until he was three close bracket there are days where I can hardly take care of myself and sometimes I'm resentful that I have to take care of him first thankfully I've been on medicine therapy for a few years now and those days don't happen off but it was so much harder when he was younger and needed me more I love him more than words can express and he's my favorite person in the world as backwards as it seems that's exactly why I regret it sometimes 50 years old father of two if I had it all to do over again I would not I was told it would be rewarding and worth it not worth it not rewarding just anxiety-inducing expensive frustrating worrisome time-consuming all to make more people love my kids but I have learned after going through the whole process that nine stroke 10 people should never become parents we are poorly suited to supporting and raising others there should be a test for a license or something I love my daughter so much however knowing what I know now if I could go back in time and not have her I would I never get a break from her it's so unrelenting my husband and I were married for close to 10 years before we decided to have kids because I just couldn't figure out if I really wanted to anyways after a decade of people asking me when I was going to have a baby I gave it a go everyone told me it would be hard but it would be worth it I have a near 4 year old now and to be honest I feel completely shortchanged like I said yes I adore her but she is such a pain in the butt I never have any time to do anything we hardly even do kids stuff because she is such a handful a trip to the local park is even an ordeal I just don't have the energy after 4 years to cope with the 2-hour meltdown when it's time to leave I never have any money because I am always spending it all on her all putting whatever is left over in her college fund I guess I am still waiting on the worth it part I feel like after 4 years it's not gonna happen but you can't say this in public you have to hide it or you are a monster it's like everyone is pretending to be happy with Parenthood and we are all miserable I just miss the ability to go anywhere anytime without the need to plan to take the kid or get a sitter if you do plan to take the kid there are many considerations to be made in many bags to pack before you can even consider heading out I cannot tell you the number of times that we have had to change where we were going to eat based on how the boy was behaving or whether he would eat something there we could always pack him something different but that is just another bag to carry and more work for us something else to consider if you have a hobby that requires your attention be prepared to not do that anymore television and tablets are not babysitters you have to pay attention and interact with your kids that means you have to put anything that you wanted to on hold until he goes to bed or maybe goes to spend some time with Nana I know this sounds selfish and that's because it is I just miss my life they suck the best years of my life when I am in my prime old enough to know better young enough to still have the fire well enough established in my career to afford and mature enough to manage responsibly kids are like vacation no family vacation 4x the cost 10% the fun weekends law nights please and then there's wife becomes mom husband becomes dad SX becomes a memory if I knew then what I know now I would have had one kid early and be done with it but you know and hope it works out better than my shitty life it killed all the fun I had in my life no more kayaking hiking or long motorcycle ride travel romance is dead with the wife everything is about a kid at 21 I bought a townhouse and renovated it now four years inside a real house I haven't done [ __ ] and I will not do [ __ ] on the plus side I have tons of fun with the kid seriously I just wish I could go hike or snowshoe or camp et Cie with the dog I got just for this and I got the dog before the kids I really do cherish my 10 month old child she gives me plenty of laughs but like one other person said I wasn't ready to be selfless I miss the me time I miss being able to go out and grab something I miss my sleep I miss not having random V Gina pains I originally wanted for children but after seeing how one can be never mind I also realized my husband isn't the best at taking care of her he's alright alone but I'm the one staying up all night I'm the one feeding her I'm the one calming her down during tantrums and frankly I'm tired of just taking care of a baby because I'm incapable of loving him more than I love myself he deserves better he's a sweet boy got a shitty hand of cards he's innocent I love these threads simple confirmation my choice to not have my life ruined by kids is the right one yarrr as a 40 year old may allow look back at myself when I was 18 and swore I'd never have children that me was correct I did t want children I've had three old girls they are 18 19 and 20 now I spend countless hours with them playing vacationing spent nearly all our money on them now only one partially shows any love toward me this is what I get for busting my ass for pouring my heart and soul out to have children I love my children very much but it truly was not worth all that I sacrificed there were some fun times and I do have memories and I guess at the end of your life that's really all it's about yeah I could die without those memories I never wanted kids I knew nothing about how to raise them and did most of it myself ex worked and almost never helped me I was pushed into having them by my now ex-husband and while he will never see or understand that he was abusive he is happy that I left the kids with him [Music]

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Id: r1W9ox-bkcU

Length: 31min 10sec (1870 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 15 2020