Orny Adams ● Takes The Third - Full Comedy Special HD

hey everybody how you doing well that's that's more than I expected thank you very much nice to see everybody let me tell you where it all started for me I was up in wine country have you done that before you go from Bingo to vineyard with your cup it's basically trick-or-treating for adults I was so drunk at the end of the day I was knocking on people's houses like we're not even a Vineyard I said I don't care you got a big backyard you must be growing something let's go fill it up don't be cheap on the poor like buddies we have so much fun because my buddy's wife drove because she's having a baby so now I'm thinking of getting a girl pregnant just so I can have a designated driver apparently that's one of the perks but then you're stuck with with one of these little kids we have nowadays these these these fat lazy they're fat lazy little entitled fat lazy fat they're lazy their backpacks have wheels I was at a high school they look like thousands of miniature flight attendants just Wheeling there Wheeling their books around might as well give him the moving sidewalk I don't want him to pull a muscle or something I don't mean to make fun of the fat kids but if they're uh you're eight years old and you're a boy you shouldn't be a c-cup that's all I'm saying it's it's an epidemic everyone goes what's the solution what can we do about it stop feeding the fat kids stop stop just stop if you're just and if you see a fat kid eating and it's not your kid just just knock the chicken nugget right out of their mouth just knock it out here just knock it make it look like an accident just oh sorry then then stuff the Nugget out like a cigarette bad fatty bad these kids have it too easy when I was a kid nothing had Wheels cars didn't have wheels I used to hate taking out the trash remember remember those old dented foreign weapons they were cracked and Rusty and it it you you drag them down the driveway and and they jump up all over the place and and they kick in the leg and cut you in sour milk would sheep into your wound and cause Ebola now the little kids have plastic hands with wheels and their sneakers have wheels and they just rolled down the driveway thank you raising a bunch of lollipops kids are so fat this generation's so fat I swear to God the next war is going to be for cooking oil we're gonna evade the canola country wherever the well they don't move little kids you ever see little kids they don't move they just they just sit around all day texting their fingers are you ever see their fingers they're going a mile a minute they can't they can't stop their fingers even when they're not texting they can't they're fat but their thumbs are in great shape I can't figure out how to text I can't I have an iPhone I can't get my fat fingers on those those stupid little I get so frustrated or just just stupid stupid stupid somebody will text me like oh when are you gonna be here takes me 15 minutes to type be there in 10 minutes [Applause] be there five minutes ago I'm not coming I'm exhausted I'm not coming up I'm on the ground I sprained my thumb I strain my thumb I'm not coming and then you have to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and the whole time I'm thinking be a lot easier if I just called the person for Moana phone was a phone what are we going backwards in technology oh hang on a second let me get out the telegraph machine and I'll Morse you what are you doing later I'll carry your pitching you look for my pigeon with a note oh smoke signal again when I'm leaving an arcade SketchUp my phone does everything everything every now the hardest thing to do on an iPhone is make a call you're like you open apps by accident that you don't need that you didn't even know you had some of these apps are amazing some of them are make I have one called Shazam yeah yeah if you don't know the name of a song you turn it on you press tag it listens tells you the name where it's from you're created if you want to get it how to get it it's amazing I don't even know how it works but why we don't have this for women come on I'd never have to ask for another number for the rest of my life I meet some girl she's talking like tagger at the end of the comes I get cocky I go I'll give you a call say you don't have my number Shazam some of the apps I don't need I bought one app and I regret buying it and that's turn by turn GPS did you have that in the car I don't need it it's just some some chip telling me what to do every 20 feet I go that must be what it's like to be married I'll wait till they have Bachelor GPS different check every turn my phone does everything everything except the one thing I needed to do there's only one thing I needed to do and that's taser foreign I want an apple I stun I'd zat 50 people a day and I want to be able to do it remotely like cell phone to cell phone that way I see somebody driving and texting you multitask now I've unlimited zapping minutes I don't know if it upsets me so much because it's dangerous or because they know how to drive and text and I don't and they have somebody to talk to too much of this too much of this you know what I mean it's too much of this and it's only going to get worse you know the new washers and dryers are gonna email us and text us when a load is done or a lint filter needs to be changed like we don't get enough emails from people now I gotta talk to my appliances can't wait for that I'm out to dinner oh who keeps texting you oh yeah my dishwasher's pissed off at me fridge thinks his door is open the tivo's almost full you enjoy your dinner hang on hang on I'll do this hang on appliances settle down apply it says settle down apply it to in half the time my phone is is sending messages that make no sense at all yeah because my phone tries to guess what I'm trying to spell [Applause] I'm late for a meeting well when are you going to be here be there in 10 mimosas son great I'm not getting that job [Applause] I want my I want my I want my dryer to text me when that stupid fabric softener isn't working you know that little little sheet you put in the dryer does nothing might as well put a napkin in there for Christ's sake just since you're taunting you the whole time I think you take your clothes out and it disappears shows up at parties [Applause] yeah you like dancing and having a good time what is that a seam it's moving it seems moving oh look it snuggles everybody it's it's still working this leg's softer than that leg we're gonna be getting emails from from our thing if you have an OnStar car right now it already emails you or texts you it gives you like vehicle diagnostic updates I get a car that was a hypochondriac always complaining change my tires change my oil drive me more drive me more Slow Down slow down I'll get into an accident because I'm reading a text from my car ouch I know just hit a guard rail I don't need it I don't need it I have a regular car now and and every time the check engine light comes on I bring it in turns out nothing's wrong the only thing broken is the check engine light and there's no check check engine light like OnStar is too powerful they have too much power already they have a new feature called remote vehicle Slowdown yes so if there's a high speed chase and the cops want to stop the car they can call OnStar and have them remotely slow the car down to a stop yes then they can call OnStar and have them remotely kick the crap out of the gun have the airbag go off 50 times in a row just beat him into submission and cut them get him in the car I'd watch that on TV Technology's changed the world though it's like like a monkey on my back it's like bipolar one day it's up one day it's down it's changed I mean think about it just Just In Our Lifetime how much stuff has changed now think about it like in terms of the Bible the Jews would not have wander on that desert for 40 years if those camels had OnStar Shalom OnStar yeah we've been wandering around for like 40 years I don't know if you noticed we're a little lost here it would have been a different Bible Moses Moses could have come down from Mount Sinai with an Amazon Kindle above his head he said hey everybody guess what I just downloaded God's ten commandments which are here number three thou shall not take the lord's name and it froze God damn it I wonder if Moses said God damn it when he smashed the tablets it would have been a different Bible Abraham one day is at home just chilling out enjoying his day gets an email from God Gmail [Applause] hey dude when you get a chance could you sacrifice your son thanks peace out God Abram's like is this for real is it a scam it's from Nigeria technology has changed the world but we're not all there yet like it doesn't it doesn't all work right like when I go into a public restroom I don't need half automatic half knot I don't need the toilet to flush itself then I'm the in front of the sink going Central I can't find the sensor in this place all the sinks are broken everybody don't use the sinks they're all broken meanwhile the automatic soap is squirting out all over the place thinking of that generous towel dispenser that gives you a half inch ration makes a little noise mocking you it's like come on I need more than that come on so now you gotta trick it into thinking you're another person walk away from it fine I don't need you either then go running back for makeup towel I'm sorry and that thing knows what it's doing it knows it is screwing with us on purpose how many times are you the only one in there right you give up you're like fine you go to walk out you're almost out the door [Applause] son of a some of these bathrooms have an automatic sanitizer thing on the ceiling that just squirts at random so you're in there you're here oh my God they're gassing me I'm dying and it smells like grapefruit why did I waste all that time flossing I'm not afraid of dying I'm afraid of losing my mind and losing my body like I'm at the age right now where I'm trying to like prove that I still got it when I don't still got it stayed out till three o'clock in the morning a couple of weeks ago I'm like I still got it and I spent the next three days in bed not still gotten it I played basketball every week I just get injured that's what happens play basketball after ice my legs I own a heating pad I'm too young to own a heating pad I feel like my my hands and in my mind are like at war or something like they don't they don't work together I can't I can't tell you how many times I'm walking towards the door and it's it says Paul I read Paul I see Paul but I push and slam my hand and then everybody looks at you she's gonna do Oh I thought it said headbutt oh it's Paul when did this become a pole door well the body is an amazing thing isn't it isn't it amazing how everything has a purpose and works together like like like take your eyelashes this delicate little system that's set up to catch particles and stop them from falling into your eyes and you're like wow the Creator thought of everything until one of the lashes falls into your eye it's like Mutiny on the body whoa what are you doing in there we're supposed to protect me Judas here's another thing I'm not dyslexic when I hand write but when I type I'm dyslexia I start my fingers get excited and jump ahead of their assignment words look like anagrams the cap is like in the middle but I don't even know who designed the keyboard anyway who who came up with that hole that whole mess you have a look at the computer keyboard just a bunch of letters scattered all over the place and I know they're the alphabet when they designed it what did they throw all the letters up in the air wherever they landed there's the keyboard I'm shocked that they got the numbers in the right order [Applause] and what brilliant mind what genius said oh oh I have an idea let's put the cap lock key right above the shift [Music] so idiots like me are like this for 10 minutes I finally look up I'm like delete delete delete delete delete delete delete delete delete delete delete delete that key should be nowhere near the shift key that key should be in another keyboard in another room to be like launching a missile ready for some caps now you go go press something turn a key call somebody in another state launch cat box everybody launch cap walks oh cap walks go everybody all cap locks go [Applause] will someday handwriting will be obsolete yes we hardly use it anymore thank God I can barely read my own handwriting anymore I go to the supermarket I spend half the time trying to read my list mascara mascara why would I need mascara why did I write mascara then I get home mayonnaise [Applause] so now I gotta go back to the store and get mayonnaise and return the mascara let's talk about why I'm not married well I blame myself I think I forgot plus I I've never been like stable I've never had like a real job or I tempt for a while you ever do that or what I call all you can steal [Applause] a fish nobody buys pens even the guy at Staples was like don't you have a job that's pathetic steal them get out of here we don't even pay for him go go I like a woman to come into my life and take it over tell me tell me where to be what time to be there what to wear decorate my house come in like a military operation is that women are great at that women women are great they're organized they're actually smarter than men they're gonna take over this world they're going to take and I'm not just saying that I'm not pandering I I honestly believe that I think men are dazed as a super gender are over [Applause] we're done we're done women are more equipped they are they're more organized they take pride in these projects and when I say women I mean women and gay men same thing same personality [Applause] women are taking over the world little by little by little by little by little it's so subtle we don't even see the change by little by little by little by little by little there was a time in this country women didn't even have the right to vote then there was a vote to see if they could vote well how the hell did we lose that you see what it's doing to men remember the old days men men sat up straight with a with a sense of dignity they were like that's now men are like I don't care anymore why is she talking to me like that why is she talking to me I can't take it look at us walking around it looks like we're devolving or something we're gonna end up back on all fours oh she sounds like the GPS you missed a turn you Mr turn do you still want to go to that destination you're useless useless it's gonna happen you think I'm kidding we don't even know why white man stood up in the first place although I was looking at that that evolutionary chart of man and I realized you'd stand up pretty quickly too if the guy behind you is Homo erectus I'm just saying that speech I'm off talk to the other ones I did my part and how can we never get to see The evolutionary chart of woman right we've never seen a woman ape evolving it's it's always a man this woman always fully evolved like like if you like if you extended the chart of man just a little bit more there's probably a fully evolved woman cheering us off before six eight lift those arms and stand up straight go homos take out the trash you stupid donkeys [Applause] we're so stupid there'll probably be a time in this country when men lose the right to vote there'll be a vote to see if we can still vote and we'll forget to show up because the women didn't remind us [Applause] women are more equipped you ever see you ever see a woman get a parking ticket she just she doesn't even look at how much it is she just puts it in her purse on with the day we get a parking ticket we have to let it ruin our entire day damn it crap and mother dude look at this damn it we have to read the fine print on the back to see if there's a loophole we can get out of it who wrote this ticket who wrote this ticket then we have to stare at the sign for 15 minutes you see you can't park here on a full moon did you see that oh the hair is going to get messy I just don't like women that that take advantage of me like my last relationship it felt like uh how much how much I could spend on vacations meals jewelry I spent so much money I even got a call from American Express they were like are you sure you like her that much [Applause] biggest mistake I ever made was taking her into a jewelry shop yes you can buy girls truly just don't ever take them in you'll end up spending more money than you even have the system is rigged against us they're all in cahoots the sales lady and your girlfriend you can't tell how much stuff costs because it's in a big case that the price tag is the size of a piece of rice flipped over you need to Hubble telescope and three Vision to see how much it is then she puts it on the sales like lady's like do you like it you're just trying to see how much it costs but I flip the tag then you gotta look you're like whoa I gotta be honest honey this necklace makes your neck look fat we might want to try on another one relationships are a lot of work I I've seen it I've seen my parents are still married still it's a lot easier now that they can't hear each other my mom my mom it's so funny she she like wanders off like a little kid like I can't take her out in public anymore I took her to the mall I lost her and she won't wear the baby leash I asked her so now I have to call her cell phone not that she can hear the ring but I can so now I gotta follow the sound like when you lose your car in the parking lot where's Mom where's Mom there should be an app for that relationships are tough marriage I've never been married and I know it's tough I saw the greatest example of love that I've ever let this let this be a lesson to anybody thinking about getting married I saw a married couple got in the elevator and you know when the elevator starts going up and then it stops on the floor and you think it's your floor so you get out and then you go oh this isn't my phone the wife got out the husband didn't move the door shuts he looks at all of us and he goes she'll figure it out I go that is love there's a time that guy would have jumped in front of a moving train to save her now he's like if I could just get six floors alone the old guy would have been like Precious Precious no snuff comes wrong four wrong floor snuck UPS Pookie pookie cookie I love pet names I love pet names my favorite pet name is pumpkin I want to meet the first guy who had the guts to call a girl a pumpkin it's a fat orange fruit with stripes that's on Halloween first we carve out the eyes yeah you're my pumpkin yeah you're my pumpkin pumpkin not giving you a mouth pumpkin so you can't talk back to me [Applause] marriage is tough divorce is even tougher I have friends that are married kids now getting divorced and then they come to me for advice I don't know what to tell them I told my one friend I go you know what they say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved it all but he also lost his house so I told him you know they probably say it's better to have owned and lost than never to have owned at all the problem is meant we're stupid and and we don't mean to be stupid but we don't know what we're doing we're just donkeys don't you don't you understand don't you understand when I'm in a relationship I spend half the time just saying sorry for stuff I don't even know what I did I just sorry sorry I don't even care I'm sorry I'm sorry I wake up in the morning sorry I'm sure I did something well we screw up and we don't we don't mean to my last relationship ended because of an earthquake my last relationship ended because of an earthquake I'm from the East Coast I don't I don't know how to act when the ground and everything starts shaking we were sitting on the couch you know having a good time then all of a sudden everything started shaking I jumped up grabbed the flat screen TV I didn't even have to turn around the hairs on the back of my neck sorry [Music] guess I'll be sleeping with the TV tonight we're stupid I sleep with the TV on every night do people do that in my uh yeah well I can't sleep even last night I I couldn't sleep I don't I I suck at sleeping how can I suck at something I do every night how much more practice do I need I took a sleeping pill once all it did was slow down the nightmare now I'm being chased in slow motion same guy's been chasing me for 15 years finally caught me and he didn't kill me because I fell asleep he spooned me against my will [Applause] I love nightmares I love I would much rather have a nightmare than a dream yes you have a nightmare you know you wake up you're scared for a second you're like oh I'm not being chased I have my arms and legs is great I love my life you have a dream you're on the boat in the Caribbean with five hot chicks you wake up you're like this sucks I was in about five minutes ago with five hot chicks now that I'm on a mattress that needed to be replaced five years ago thanks night brain dreams are cruel dreams are like here's where you want to be wake up and here's Who You Are one night this girl said to me you'll like this story she goes this will help you sleep she says let's have some of this phone sex guys love phone sex a lot of the times girls don't even know we're having it [Applause] Play Good listeners so I said what's the scenario so she goes you're flying to meet me nobody's at the airport so I meet you at the gate and I'm wearing a short skimpy little skirt with no panties on and I take into the bathroom and we go into the handicapped stall because there's more room push you down I can see how excited you are through your pants and dip your pants down and you try and touch my breasts and I go no he's very controlling I step back sexy dancing you're getting more and more aroused more and more aroused man I can't take it anymore so I pull up my skirt and I get on top of you and now I'm going up and down and up and down and faster and faster and faster juice I'm gonna explode are you ready and I said I gotta be honest with you I can't relax thinking about my luggage going around that carousel everybody is going to steal that luggage now let's go get the luggage and do this in the parking lot like normal people taking me in that disgusting bathroom we even put the toilet seat cover thing down in there are you on the pill we didn't are we being safe I don't want any fat kids are you well let me tell you why I don't have any fat kids first of all look yet to be my age a lot of luck some skill involved people want me to have a kid people want me to I'm at like my friends have kids and they're like you gotta have a kid you gotta have a kid it's the greatest you'll change your whole life I go what's it like to like I even slept in six months Dre will sign me up for that because uh my insomnia wants an activity I have a friend who just got engaged because of her pregnancy test that went wrong yeah that's a nice Saturday you know she came out waving the stick and he proposed he wasn't even prepared well shouldn't there be a ring in that EPT kit or coupon for sales if it's positive just turns into a ring and she can wash it and wear it [Applause] foreign somebody told me they're selling pregnancy tests at the 99 cent store really I think you open it up and it says if you bought your condoms here congratulations baby formula aisle five that's where I buy all my medical supplies the 99 cent store I just got the 99 cent flu shot from four years ago but it's good enough here's what scares me off being a dad ending up being one of those those dads that wear those those stupid baby slings you see these dads in the mall they look like marsupials just a kangaroo dads are all miserable the kids facing out not so he can see the world but so he doesn't see the shame on his father's face [Applause] and you see such hope in these kids eyes like kids are fun like I enjoy kids for a few hours but I don't need them full time I can see them they like they wake up they're all full of energy and excited about life and they think life is fair [Laughter] [Applause] it's so sad it really is I think that's why you have a kid you wake up you go that's not gonna happen for me I'll just pass the Hope on to the kid here's a good reason to have a kid get fat and eat the kid food again fruit roll-ups Capri Sun those juice things you squeeze I steal them from my nieces they're so good Friday lunch comes around they have no juices because it's Uncle O stolen from them well my nieces got me addicted to goldfish foreign I am an adult addicted to goldfish you can't stop eating them what is their crack in there you can't stop eating goldfish and they know it that's why there's no way to close the packaging it's a flap it's the most arrogant thing I've ever seen you ever try and flap it it just unflaps itself being eaten even the expiration date just says 10 minutes after opening I tried the other day I go oh I'm just going to have a handful go watch TV didn't even make it to the couch did this five times I went back and forth this is this is the only exercise I got all day just reminds me of when I go to the airport and I get stuck in that zigzag security line for an hour and a half which is great because now I get to pass the same people over and over I got blown off by a girl for 48 minutes like how about now this girl hates me I'll get her over here how about now she didn't see me I'm gonna get her over here I'm gonna get her over here by the end she has a restraining order against me as easy as this oh hey how you doing where we're flying to Shazam I love eating goldfish you know what goes good with goldfish chocolate mix them mix them I love chocolate so much on Halloween I bought all this chocolate then I didn't answer the door [Applause] every time I heard a knock keep moving fatty I'm not gonna enable you keep moving go to another house I'm gonna turn in one of those old people handing out raisins he's in some pretzels I went to a nutritionist because I don't know when to stop eating I don't know when to stop eating so I went to a nutritionist I go how do I know when to stop so she said I'm not making this up she said make a fist and eat a fish-sized amount of food oh my God that's a side dish I'm eating five fists and I'm still hungry so what I do is I make a loose fist I make a claw I feel like a and it can go as high as I wanted to that's my diet take that nutritionist well how unbelievable is it that in this country we have to stop ourselves from eating it's unbelievable it's so bad that I heard this commercial the other day for all those moments that make every day great Fancy Feast introduces Fancy Feast appetizers cats are eating appetizers nut snacks appetizers wild Alaskan salmon sea bass and shrimp Oysters Rockefeller these cats are eating better than half of the world with their delicate palettes they'd be just as happy eating a rat in the basement how disgusting are we they should just put up a a split screen and on this side people starving all over the world and on this side cats eating appetizers fluffy fluffy don't fill up on the salmon you have a steak coming fluffy save some room for dessert we should get a flag for fertility a disgusting and I'm not having a kid and until I go back and relearn what a noun adjective verb advert well I don't want to look stupid when the kid's doing homework Dad what's a pronoun um it's a professional noun it's a pro now it's better than the other nouns it went true I want you to look it up one of my Wicked daddy look it up that's what Google's for look it up that's why parents always say look it up they have no idea that's a lot of work taking care of kids a lot of work I didn't realize it until my my friend's wife was pregnant driving us around at Wine Country we're all having fun she can't drink then she told us that women don't drink when they're breastfeeding if I was a mother I put an end of that I just sit the kid down there's your bottle there's Mama's bottle go suck on Dad he did nothing for nine months there's your designated nipple over there people that have kids always say the same thing though they always go well it's a lot different when it's your own really then why do we have walls if you don't like your kid you can leave them on a church step we have safe haven laws some states like Nebraska forgot to put an age limit on it so people are dropping off their 17 year old kids they were driving from States like Florida I mean if you're a kid and you live in Florida and your parents say get in the car we're going to Nebraska I gotta know something to draw there's nothing in Nebraska except the law that you can leave your kid on a church step and I don't know how that works anyway how does that work the kid kid doesn't listen to your whole life now you're like sit out don't get out of that basket stay in that basket I waited 15 years for them to pass this law that's a lot of work how many people have kids a lot then the kids grow up how old are your kids 18 19. yeah wow see this is what I don't get you give these kids like all this love and you nurture them and you make sacrifices then the kid grows up and yells at you I can already picture me fighting with my kid it's like well why can't I go to the party everyone else's parents are let him go you ruin my life I hate you 'll be like well you ruined mom's body want to have that discussion now you little ungrateful body ruiner if anybody's going to the party it's Daddy well we gotta put these kids in their place these kids talk too much these little little kids think that their their opinions matter because of the internet they think they can write mean things like I gotta I got hate mail from a 14 year old boy told me I sucked so now I got in I gotta get into a fight with a 14 year old kid I I believe in Freedom of some speech I want to go back to the days of people shutting the hell up there's too much there's too much people are people are everywhere on the internet just Venom and hate I was on staples.com people are writing bad reviews about rubber bands how little do you have going on in your life that you're writing reviews about rubber bands or reading reviews about I want to go back to Days of shutting the hell up when I was 14 if you wanted to say something there wasn't the internet you had to say to that person's face and get punched that's the way it's supposed to be that's my right it's in the Constitution the first amendment's freedom of speech but the second amendment's right to bear ours so you can say whatever you want but you might get shot right to bear a bullet wound that should be the third amendment I don't even know what the third amendment is do we does anybody know what the third amendment is what assembly no that's the first one Freedom seats assembly what this is there's always one that knows what is it what is it yell it out yell it out during peace time that's right how did you know that saw me at the Brea Improv Al okay let's be honest does anybody that hasn't seen me before did anybody know what the third amendment is you know what the First Amendment we know the second we know the fourth and fifth but nobody knows the third nobody's ever argued the third nobody's ever taken the third or cited the third I'm the only one who uses it because nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about I got pulled over the other day the cop goes you know you're driving alone in the carpool lane I go yep that's my third Amendment right I don't have any friends and according to the third you cannot discriminate against a loser [Applause] when I go into a gas station oh oh can I use your your restroom but for customers only not according to the Third give me that hubcap keychain thing or I'll shut this place down [Applause] I even use it to get out of jury duty yeah you you cannot Corner me in any jury that's my third Amendment right even the judge had to look it up I take the third all the time every day and then if somebody tries to call me on it they go well what is the third that's when I take the fifth sometimes I get the Amendments and the Commandments and stuff people shall not kill but you but you have a gun don't use the lord's name in vain but your freedom of speech it's like contradiction of church and state one one tells you everything you you you you can't do and then the amendment say nah go ahead and do it like if you're a kid and your parents say go to your room you have to honor thy mother and father and go to your room but according to the Amendments give the right to a trial [Applause] if you're married and you have an affair and you get caught and then you do it again can't be tried the same crime twice none of it matters though the world is is falling apart the the world's melting all this green guilt yes I have to get one of those those pansy tote bags those canvas start with the big handles and hard to feel like a man with that thing might as well get the baby slinging just those things are great but I never remember it I'm always in line I go damn the bag so much guilt so much guilt you know the the world is melting the experts say the Earth's temperature is going to rise three degrees in the next hundred years well shouldn't they get the five-day forecast right first shouldn't we know next Tuesday before we start guessing and I bring my little panty back into the store and I'm trying to recycle and be good and then all I see is waste like I went into CVS how much bigger sales receipts gonna get I bought two things a pack of gum and Thai detergent and the receipt was this big things coming out of the register for five minutes it's like the opposite of paper towels the Magna Carta is coming out of the register sounds like a chainsaw I'm like is there a guy under the register chopping down trees and making receipts so much crap on those receipts my horoscope was on there they give you coupons for stuff you just bought that would have been nice five minutes ago when I came in here one guy got his receipt and he got angry he goes damn it I go what happened I just got a subpoena so much crazy go to the supermarket same thing you spend half the day hey they go paper or plastic why don't you wrap it in my receipt so much waste what are we supposed to do with all these extra buttons that come with our shirts I've got a million of them they come in these miniature little Ziploc crack bags we're afraid to use one because what if somebody finds it empty that's how rumors get started next thing you know I'm in rehab because I used a button [Applause] and by giving us an extra button why don't they just spend more time showing these on better it just seems like a lot less work than sending us an extra button by sending us an extra button they're basically saying we expect failure it's like when I go to the post office and they go oh would you like insurance with this package well I never thought about you losing it until you just mentioned that how about you do your job and you don't lose it and then if you don't do your job and you do lose it you pay for it what a scam all your congressmen it's a scam what's included in the postage luck I'm gonna open up a restaurant I'm going to offer insurance so so when people want to go oh do you like insurance with your food well just in case it gets lost coming out of the kitchen the idiots will buy it idiots will buy it so much waste so much waste like when I get food delivered to my house what do they always give you plastic fork plastic knife and I want to call them up and go hey you didn't deliver to a picnic I live in a house I have a whole drawer of knives and forks and and then next to it I have a whole drawer filled with plastic silverware sending mace plastic silverware and buttons I think I'm having a button picnic mending party first 300 people I'm a picnic button mending party for 300 people apparently I'm three you're invited I'm having a picnic bed you can't even say it picnic button menu send Rogaine send me something I can use how how big is my forehead in this position is it just how much bigger is it gonna get why this my forehead is so big when I was a kid it started right there I'm afraid to get my picture taken in one picture I I it's all shiny in one picture I saw a reflection of the guy taking my picture on my [Applause] I thought it was an apparition I'm like oh it's the Virgin look The Virgins on my forehead I can't stand getting my my picture with digital photography you know what that is instant feel like about yourself every day I get ready I go I look in the mirror I go I look great look at me I look great then somebody takes my picture I look like in the old days you had to wait three weeks to get your pictures back and then you go oh my God I used to look like all right look great now look at it up here it's it's thinning and going gray I used to pluck my grays but now I need them for filler now we're using Sharpie I just color a man you have a pluck of gray and mist and get a real one you're like I'm losing my eyesight too I was gonna take Propecia you know the little pill for hair loss Propecia I look into it one of the side effects is erectile dysfunction that's more than a side effect that's more like the effect it's more like oh take Propecia you lose your erections and your micro hair the commercial should be like are you sick and tired of all those unwanted erections my Propecia side effects include hair but you lose your erections that's what I need my hair for this is a team no quitting you two what a great solution oh sorry about my penis honey but did you see my hair the Futures just a bunch of that breaks what happened to the Jetson's lifestyle they promised us you ever see the Jetsons call customer service I call every week something breaks every week cable goes out once a week did you know that no you people work people like me have to call it in for you how about a thank you to the people calling customer service for you you guys wake up you're like oh cable's out I'll just go to work he'll be back on when I come home it's a miracle I'm the miracle everything breaks I bought a scale I discovered it for three weeks I get on it all of a sudden I weigh error it's more offensive than my weight so I call customer service the first thing they do is they act shocked that their product broke our product broke me walking here the phone drinking off the hook in the background then the guy says well did you drop it Oh you mean the thing that sits on the floor okay yeah I'm walking around from room to room to see if I wait there for Lee and I I dropped and I kicked it down the stairs and then into the pool it's in the pools it's still under warranty we're calling a different country every week don't you think it's rude that us all great Almighty America we're calling these third world countries with our problems it's like hey I think my high speed's running a little slow do you think you can get out of your mud hut and fix that for me thank you when you're done bathing and urinating the same water source here think you could help me out my fridge isn't working I've got 300 worth of truffles in there can you King ashwatha flies off your face and help me oh oh I'm I'm sorry can you hear me over my central air conditioning I'm calling from America fix my life damn it hold on a second fluffy don't fill up on the salmon we're disgusting we're disgusting they should hate us they should hate us I'm nice when I call customer service because they have all our information look OnStar OnStar knows what's going on inside of your car and then they they call you and and talk to you about it I miss the days of being able to get into an accident and nobody knowing about it I I got into an accident once you're gonna learn something the cop determined I was speeding just by the length of my skid mark so here's a little tip if you're gonna crash don't break plow right the hell into the gun speed up if you have to play Jumpman he goes hey man how come you didn't break you'll see how fast was I going officer I wasn't moving I was parked this came flying out of nowhere look at that skid mark must have been doing a hundred backwards [Applause] in the OnStar commercial the guy the guy like goes around a deer and then hits a tree and and then the lady the lady calls him and talks to him about it she's like sir sure we notice you on a crash is everything okay we've called the police and I just picture some guy going no no I'm thanks [Music] don't call the police we were gonna push it off to the side of the road and sugar up call Pizza Hut don't call the police we were just up in Wine Country trick-or-treating thank you sure sure we we noticed both of your airbags went off is your wife okay that's not my why you're not going to call her too OnStar you're gonna ruin my life you are infringing upon my third Amendment right thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you guys are unbelievable thank you so much thank you so much let's do this again sometime thank you [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] questions [Music]

Channel: Orny Adams

Views: 549,013

Keywords: orny adams, comedian, stand up comedy, teen wolf, mtv

Id: IDqrLxqlE2M

Length: 67min 40sec (4060 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 24 2022