- "Um...I wanted to know what
sex felt like, "so I took your manicure tool, and I put it..." [laughter] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> [bell dinging] Oh.
[chuckles] Nicely done. Yes. Mmm. Mmm! [moaning] [piglet whining] <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> [fork clatters]</i> <i> ♪ ♪</i> [whining] <i> ♪ ♪</i> [whining continues] <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> Your mama's so delicious.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> She has her own podcast,
"Cook'd." Please give it up for Kelsey
Cook. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - The time that I tried
masturbating, I ended up in the emergency
room. [laughter] And it happened because I went
through this super-awkward puberty leading up to it. Like, when I was 15, that was
the year that all of my friends lost their virginity, and I was
the only one who hadn't yet, so I felt really left out. Like, my friends would talk
about their favorite positions at lunch, and I would just bury
myself in my sandwich like, "Oh, cool, anal, ehh..."
like... Like, I was so naive. I had a very Lisa Simpson vibe
in school. Like, a guy passed me a note in
math class. It just said "69" on it, and I didn't know what that
meant yet. I thought he was starting a
math game with me. [laughter] So I just built onto it. I was like, "69 divided by 3 is
23. Your turn." [laughter] He was like, "The fuck? No, this is not what you think
this is." And I got teased for not
knowing, and I just, like, I kind of
snapped, right? Like, there was too many things
building up. I was so sick of feeling left
out and clueless, and I was sick of waiting for a
boyfriend to lose my virginity to, so I got this
crazy idea, and I was like, "Okay, I'm
gonna stick something up there "so that I'll know what sex
feels like and I can feel cooler around my
friends." I know how mentally unstable
this sounds, by the way. Any time you go the homemade
dildo route, never a great idea. But I was so desperate to fit
in that I just decided to take matters into my own
pussy, so, you know, I was, like, this is happening
now. So...so I went home from
school, and I decided to, like, you
know, look around the house for an object to lose my
virginity to. [laughter] You know, and just like
anyone's first time, I was super nervous. Oh, my God. And I went to my mom's bathroom
closet, because it was just full of,
like, phallic wonders, right? Just, like, Sonicare toothbrush
handles and travel-sized shampoo
bottles. But the thing that really
caught my eye was, she had this handheld manicure
tool. You could put little
attachments on top to, like, buff your nails, but the
handle was shaped like a dick. A little too much like a dick,
by the way. Like, whoever designed it was
definitely targeting curious teenage girls
and lonely housewives. It was bright blue. It looked like Papa Smurf's
boner. Just, ugh.
Just so awkward. The only problem I didn't
notice at the time was that it was made of a
grippy rubber material. Yeah. There's a little foreshadowing
for you. But again, I knew nothing about
that hole and, like, what should or shouldn't go in
there. So...
[sighs] So I drop my pants, and I, you
know, put my foot up on the side of
the tub, as you do. [laughter] You know. Hi, sir, by the way. This is...
[sighs] Weird for both of us. And I--I started to try and,
you know, like, make this happen, but I'm not
aroused by anything that's going on. Frankly, I'm terrified, so I'm as dry as a dead man's
mouth. [laughter] And my body is not helping me
at all. So that combined with this
grippy rubber material, it's like a kid trying to go
down an unsoaked Slip 'N Slide. It's just, like... [laughter] Nothing. So I stop for a sec, and the
sane part of my brain is like, "Dude, this is clearly not
meant to be. You just need to wait to have
regular-person sex." [laughter] And then the crazy part of my
brain was like, "I'm not a fucking quitter." [laughter] I'm already crouched over naked
like Gollum. Like, we've come this far. Let's just throw the Hail Mary. So all of my desperation to fit
in fueled my tiny pubescent wrist
until I fit the manicure tool all the way inside of me. And then I just stood there
frozen for a second with it in me like, "Uhh." And then I threw it out, and I
threw it in the trash, and I got in the shower to,
like, wash the shame off of me. [laughter] And I knew that something was
horribly wrong right away, because I started to feel a
burning and itching sensation. And I was like, "Oh, fuck. "Okay, I'll look at it with a
mirror, and maybe it will look
fine." [laughter] What I saw in that mirror still
haunts my dreams to this day. My crotch had swollen shut. [laughter] Closed like the bank on a
Sunday. My pussy looked like Rocky's
eye turned sideways. [laughter] Yeah, no bueno. So my stomach dropped. I was like, "Oh, my God. "I need medical attention. "I'm gonna have to tell a
doctor exactly what "I just did, but before that, "I'm gonna have to tell my mom, "because I need somebody to
drive me to the doctor's office." Like, my puberty is just
flashing before my eyes. Everything's coming to an end. So my mom is in bed at this
point. She's doing, like, a crossword
puzzle or something momsie. I walk in pale as a ghost. And she sees me, and she's
like, "What's going on with you?
What's wrong?" And I was like, "Um... "I don't
know how to tell you this, because you're never gonna see
me the same way again." [laughter] And she was like, "Sweetie, nothing you tell me can make
me stop loving you." [laughter] [sighs] And I was like, "Let's not say
things we can't take back." [laughter] I was like, "Um, "I wanted to know what
sex felt like, "so I took your manicure tool, and I put it..." [laughter] "I put it inside me, and now my
vagina's gone." [laughter] And my mom was like, "Wow. "Well, we were gonna have
corn dogs for dinner, but..." [laughter] "Now that seems like a safety
hazard, so..." [laughter] She's like, "All right, get in
the car; here we go, going to the doctor's office,"
so we drove down to the emergency clinic. I grew up in this tiny town. I'd been seeing the same family
doctor since I was, like, five years
old. He's this 60-year-old Christian
man, very Steve from "Blue's Clues"
type of energy, not great for the situation. He has no idea how to handle
it. He's just like, "Okay, Kelsey, we're all a little confused as
to what you did." [laughter] "Something with a--a manicure
tool? Susan, do you know?
Nope, nobody knows, okay." [laughter] "Do I need to have a little
look-see at your undercarriage?" I'm like, "Just put me down
like an old animal. Oh, my God.
I can't do this." So he straps on his miner's
headlight... [laughter] To go spelunking for treasure. [laughter] And he goes down, and he pokes
around with a Q-tip a little bit, and he comes back
up, and he's like, "All right, so, you know, from
all the swelling and burning "and inflammation, I can deduce "that you are allergic to
latex. "So, you know, going forward,
that means no latex condoms, "no latex gloves. "Please don't do anything with
balloon animals. No." [laughter] "Let's not do that." So I left the clinic that day
with that knowledge that I'm allergic to latex. All my future boyfriends have
been very happy about that, right, you know, just high
fives all around, no condoms. I'm just riddled with disease. [laughter] Unfortunately, I didn't redeem my awkward reputation at
school. You know, I did all that to try
and fit in, and instead, word spread around the school
of what happened, and everybody was like, "Hey,
old hairy bush "made her pussy disappear;
check that out. Look at that, the world's worst
magician over here." [laughter] I was so embarrassed. Like, this haunted me for ten
years. I was just mortified about it. And I honestly thought I was
done with my latex encounters until two years ago when I
moved to Los Angeles and I went to a new doctor for
my annual exam, and I was lying back on the
table. He did the whole, like, fingers
inside you business, and then I sat up as he was
taking his gloves off, and I was like "Oh, no." I was like, "Are those latex
gloves?" And he was like, "Yeah, do you
have an allergy?" And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "Oh, I'm so
sorry. What happens when you come into
contact with it?" And I was like, "My vagina
tries to kill itself." [laughter] And he was like, "Oh, shoot. "Okay, well, there's not much I
can do for you right now. "I can prescribe you some cream that you can spread down
there." I was like, "It's not a bagel.
I don't..." [laughter] "I don't want to do that." So he writes me this
prescription, and he walks out, and I'm just
standing there so pissed. I'm like, "There's no way I'm
going through this again. Like, there has to be a way
around this." So my survival instincts
kicked in. And I locked the doctor's
office door behind me. And I got another crazy idea. I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna
masturbate, "because if I can make myself
come, "I might be able to flush out
the allergens before a reaction starts." I think Bill Nye would be
pretty proud of my plan. [laughter] There's obviously no scientific
research behind this at all. But I was just, like, I just
have to try this. I have to go for it. I'm also standing there, like,
I can't believe that ten years ago I tried masturbating and I
gave myself an allergic reaction, and now
I'm gonna masturbate to try to not have an allergic
reaction. Really a decade of doing the
Lord's work, this one. So I'm racing against the clock
at this point. Like, this reaction's coming,
so I drop my pants, and I just, like, I close my
eyes. I try to, like, find a way to
be turned on. I just--I picture that Channing
Tatum's behind me just, like, you know, grinding it out
to some "Pony" by Ginuwine. You know, just, like, really
encouraging me. And by the power of Magic Mike, I came, and I did not have an
allergic reaction. Hey. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to be your
own douche. And now I think I should get
the letters "RX" tattooed on these two fingers,
'cause they're the only prescription I need,
motherfucker. All right, I'm Kelsey Cook.
Thanks so much, guys. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> - Kelsey Cook, everybody.</i> <i> Give it up for Kelsey Cook.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i>
