- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Kelsey Cook. - Denver, how are we feeling? Wow. Thank you guys so
much for coming out. Feels so good to be back in the land of hot outdoorsy couples. Look at all of you. It's
a treat for my eyeballs. I love it. Except I could never tell
with you Denver dudes, if you're actually hot or if you just have facial hair. You know what I mean? You guys always have a
hat, mustache, beard, an IPA blocking
your nose and mouth. I'm like, are you attractive? Or are you just covering
90% of your face? Because we all think
that cats are cute, until you see a hairless cat. And then you're like,
kill it with fire. No, anytime I've seen one
I've been like, "Is it sick?" And the owner's always like, no, we actually paid
$5,000 for him, so... I'm like, "For Gollum
with a collar? Why?" Could have just blown
my nose into Kleenex and handed it to you for free. And it looks the same. It's just runny shapes.
I don't like it. I'm glad you guys came out. I know that everybody's had a really crazy
past couple years. I had an especially crazy 2020. I actually got divorced
a week before COVID hit. - [Audience] Ooh. - Yeah, so who's
ready for some comedy? Oh, and I just start
crying? No, it's okay. I think the craziest part
about getting divorced, is having to change
your emergency contact back to your mom. It would be less embarrassing to use a stranger
from Craigslist. Truly. But other than that, it
went pretty smoothly. Like, we still
have a lot of love and respect for each other. He's also a comedian, so we didn't have a lot
of assets to split up. It's not like there was a
summer house and a boat. It was like, "Do you want
the Batman begins DVD? Who gets the good spatula?" And after some time had passed, we decided that we were gonna
try and be friends again. And that's always
a little weird, the first time you try hanging
out with an ex as a friend. When he saw me,
he fist bumped me. I was like, "Well honestly, I would rather
have you fist me." That would feel less
physically uncomfortable. Than this nightmare just
put us through, hated that. Absolutely not. And I've had the deadly peanut
allergy for most of my life. So, for the eight
years we were together, he had to stop eating
peanut products. Because if he did and
then kissed me, my throat could close. So, when I saw him, I was like, "Oh, what's it like to
eat peanut butter again?" He goes, "Oh man, we should have broken
up a long time ago." I don't even blame him.
Have you had peanut butter? I can't compete with that. I hate that the person I'm
with has to give that up. That puts way too
much pressure on me to be worth the
trade off, right? Like, you're gonna
rob a man of Reese's for the rest of his life? Bitch, you better be pretty open-minded
in the bedroom. I'm gonna make a man stop
swallowing something delicious. Well, get ready to start
swallowing something gross. You gotta fill the void
that Snickers left. Missionary with the lights off
ain't gonna cut it anymore. So, had to learn some new
moves and watch some tutorials. It's what I call porn. It's just educational
for me now. I just watch with a
little notepad like, "Oh, pretend to gag." Seems good. I do think it's easy
when you get married to stop trying as
hard in bed, but God, if you get divorced and you
start trying to date again, it's like having to come
back outta retirement. You know? It's like you gotta
start stretching, get ready to run another BJ 5K. Like, "No, I just did this." And somebody moved the finish
line back another 10 years. Ugh. Can't even see it. Do we have any married
people here tonight? That was a pretty sad sound. You guys were faking
it a little bit. Like, eh, some of you just treated
it like a silent auction. You were like... Just so sad. Anybody here been married
for a really long time? Like, over 20 years? You guys are so cute. How
long have you been married? 21? Give it up for 21. That's a long time. Yeah. So, you guys get it. If you've been working the
same job for over two decades, you start to cut some corners. Right? But if it is your first
week at a new blowjob, you are hustling. You just start- I'm sure you dudes have
figure it out by now, that the best blowjob
you ever get from us is the first blowjob. Because women, we're
so competitive. We know that you're
about to compare us to every other one
you've ever had. So, we just enter the
arena that night like... I will be queen. Gimme that. We pull out all our
tips and tricks, hurt our knees,
throw our back out. We want a trophy. We will give head to get ahead. But then you get married and
you start to treat blowjobs like you're assembling
Ikea furniture. And just skip a few steps. And by the end you're like, "Next time I'm hiring
somebody else to do this." A little righty,
tighty, lefty, loosey, let's get the hell outta here. We gotta go to Costco. I tried to avoid the whole
post-breakup identity crisis. One of my friends
went through a breakup and she got this dramatic
haircut afterward as a revenge move
against her ex. She's like, "If he sees
me, he's gonna know he missed out on
this whole other me." Like, a guy has ever seen
a haircut and been like... "I never got to fuck
asymmetrical lob Lisa." Bullshit. You guys never know when
we change our hair, right? You're not even
observant of yourselves. Before the divorce, I
was cuddling with my ex and I felt like my
leg had been stabbed. I looked down, his
toenails looked like he cut them with his teeth. They're all jagged. Like he could unlock a secret
door in a haunted house. I was like, "Do you
have a best friend with a matching jagged toenail? You put them together and
make a best friend necklace? Is that what you're doing?" I'm turning stone
to a prison shiv. And I was like, "What is this?" He goes, "I just didn't notice." Oh, I sure did. When you shanked
my achilles tendon. And I'm bleeding out. Because I feel like this
stuff only gets worse with you guys with age. Like, we've all seen
the really old men with thick tufts of raccoon
hair growing out of their ears. I'm sure that guy's wife
has been telling him to trim it for years and
he just can't hear her. Like, "What?" It's like yelling into a fan. It's coming right
back in your face. I just sat next to a very
old man on a plane recently, and I had my notebook out. And he leans over and goes, "It's nice to see somebody
writing and not on their phone." And I was like,
"Aw, he doesn't know I'm writing jokes about cum." I was like, "Oh,
suddenly Candy Crush doesn't seem so
bad, huh, Wendell?" When I booped him,
booped him on the nose. Love that Wendell. Does feel a little
weird to start over now in my thirties, but
at least I know now what I like and don't
like in a relationship. For example, I don't
care how hot you are, I'm still never going
to eat your ass. Not a fan of the
Devil's Chocolate. No thank you. And I'm fair about it. I don't ask anybody to
eat mine neither. Okay? There's no need, women have
a lot of holes down there. It's like a mini golf course. Just skip the one
that's in a lagoon. Just... Don't even look at it. I have never wanted to do
that to one of you guys. Most of you dudes have
real blue collar assholes . Not a lot of maintenance
going on back there. That thing works at Lowe's. I don't trust it. It's like blindly
sticking your face between two couch cushions. There's just goldfish crackers, and part of a broken
Christmas ornament. It's a choking hazard, frankly. I'm not gonna swallow
a paperclip so you can cum a new way. And that is a joke I wrote
next to Wendell on the plane. Now you know. And I don't know if
I'm alone in this, but I didn't even
hear about eating ass until later on in life. And when I did, I was like,
"Why is that even on the menu?" Because as women, you wanna
seem like you're like cool and dirty and down for
anything, but it's poop. Like that's not even in
the same universe of things that turn me on, right? Like, that's like
going to Disneyland and one of the
rides is beekeeping. You're like, "What?" That sounds terrible
and dangerous. Like, I don't understand
how the people who are eating ass all the time aren't getting violently ill. I have been washing my
produce for 32 years to avoid E. coli, but I'm
supposed to take my mouth and go straight to the source? Just drink from the hose? I don't trust you dudes to
wash a frying pan correctly, let alone your assholes. Not dying at 32 from
Brad's butt hole. Dreams and goals to accomplish. Have you guys been
drinking tonight? Yeah? Wow, you're fucking
hammered, Christ. Knocked me backward. Some of my friends actually
got sober during quarantine, and if I'm being
honest with you, I found it unacceptable. I was like, "Uh, I
just got divorced. I need you to ramp
it up with me. Now is not the time for you
to be a better person. Okay? You're actually
being selfish. So..." Some of 'em took
the AA quiz online, so I took it with
'em and it turns out it makes everybody sound
like they're an alcoholic. The first question is, "Have you ever used alcohol
to alter your mood?" Like, is there any other reason? Who's like, "No, I'm in it
for the acne and diarrhea." I'm a purist. The second question is,
"After consuming alcohol, have you ever done
something you've regretted?" Do you mean
literally every time? Who's getting drunk and
doing the Lord's work? I've never had five
margaritas and been like, "All right, time
to donate blood." Got to pass this party
on someone in need. My biggest regrets
stem from alcohol. When I was in college, I used to take shots of gin
and chase them with deli meat. Yeah. You know you're white trash when you're cocktails
involve ham. That is not great. But I feel like if
you're broke in college, you form weird habits like that. Like if you don't
have a dishwasher, you try and cook using as
few dishes as possible. Okay? I wanna know if
you guys do this, like if you want
banana on your cereal, but you don't wanna
get a knife dirty, do you ever just tear pieces
off with your teeth and then... Oh. The creatures come out at night. Oh, yeah, I didn't even know
that was weird until my ex caught me doing it. And was like, "Are you mama birding yourself?" "You need to get some help." I was like, "Uh, I learned
this while I worked at IHOP, so I don't wanna hear it." Time is money, I'm
being efficient. Okay? Wow. I like that Disney villain
laugh in the shadows. The fuck was that? I like that on the
special, that's good. Keep that weird shit up. I did so much dumb
drunk shit in college. At one point, my friends
and I went to Vegas. I got hammered, ate
a bunch of food, passed out, woke up
the next morning, went to the pool, and
when I looked down there was like white powdery
stuff in my belly button. And I was like, "Oh
God, did I do coke for the first time last night?" And so I touched
it and I tasted it. And I was like, "Oh, Parmesan cheese." My friends told
me that apparently I ate seven slices of
pizza, like a wild boar. And in the process just jumped
a loose quarter cup of Parm down my shirt. And then let it collect
in my belly button. Like some sort of
Pizza Hut stripper. So, made some really
good choices in my life. I do think I made an actual
good choice recently. I just quit being vegan after
a year and a half of doing it. I'm back, baby. Back in these meat streets. Oh, man. Does it feel good
to have friends again. Yeah. No one wants you around. My ex-husband and I, we went vegan together
on January 1st, 2020. And then two months
later we were divorced. Am I saying that
veganism ruins marriages? Yeah, I am. I am. But if we kept on eating nachos, we would've been too
happy and too sleepy to notice our problems. There's not a lot of
divorce in the Midwest. People think it's religion. It's cheese curds. Cheese can do what God can't. A couple hasn't had
sex in 20 years, but they eat a cheese
curtain and go, "You know what? One more day." I'll think about divorce
tomorrow, but right now, I'm gonna face-fuck
this cheddar. I'm gonna get lost
in this plate. So I just saw something
online that burned my eyes. I just found out that
I'm on Wiki Feet. Does anybody here know
what Wiki Feet is? A few of you nodding. A
lot of dudes that are like, "Don't make eye contact
with me right now." If you don't know
what Wiki Feet is, it's a website for people
with foot fetishes. So women, if you post
a photo on Instagram that shows your little tootsies, the foot folks might do a
copy and paste onto Wiki Feet, and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboard sticky. I know. It's like scrapbooking
for men who need Jesus. It's a nice hobby. I know that sounds
like I'm kink shaming. I'm really not
trying to, honestly, I am so jealous that some
people can get off from that. Like, I wish I could just stare
at a dude's hairy kneecap. And get tingles in my
basement. What a life. I would live on Wiki Knees. Oh, I would get nothing done.
So much harder than that. So somebody told me that
there's this profile of me on Wiki Feet. And at first when I
heard that, I was like, "Oh, does that mean
I have hot feet? Hmm. I'm so flattered." Then I went and looked. I saw that the foot fetish
community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of five stars. Which they call "okay feet". I was like, "Oh, apparently
I have Applebee's feet." It's like, you'll
put it in your mouth, but you won't tell
anybody about it. And about two for Tuesday deal. And a few months before
the pandemic hit, some dude slid into
my DMs and just said, "Two grand for foot vid." Now, Denver, make some
noise if you would send a video of your feet to
a stranger for $2,000?" Godless animals. All of ya. My ears, Jesus. Some of you just throw
your areola up on Facebook for a dollar. Aunts and uncles seeing
it, you don't give a shit. You're like, "Venmo me
my dollar, aunt Sherry, I earned this. This is a solid nip." Well, I appreciate your honesty. I wasn't quite as sure about it as all of you were. I was like, "I
don't know this guy. He's gonna have a
video of my feet for the rest of his life? It's too weird.
I'm not doing it." But then COVID hit. And I lost all my comedy work. So two days later
I wrote him back. I got desperate so fast. I
was like, "All right, man, two grand from my
feet. I'm ready. Let's do it." And he never responded. I got ghosted by the foot guy. Do you know how
humiliating it feels to lower your morals
and your values? Only to have a foot guy be
like, "No, I'm good now." You're like, "What? What happened?" It's like the smelly kid
coming up to you at prom and you're like, "Ugh, all
right, fine. One dance." And he is like, "I
was just gonna ask you where the bathroom is." You're like, "Fuck you, Travis." Get outta here. Just trying to be nice. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But she's been trying to
give me career advice, and none of it's
helpful. You know? She doesn't understand that
there are different levels of fame in comedy. She thinks that all
comics are best friends. She'll be like, "Why don't
you call Jerry Seinfeld?" And asked to do "Comedians
in Cars Getting Coffee"? And I'm like, "Mom,
I can't even get a guy to jerk off to my feet." Let's lower our expectations. Like, this is where
my career is at. I have a foosball web
series on YouTube. Okay? I'm like here. When my mom heard
that, she goes, "You know who I bet would
love to do your YouTube show? Ellen DeGeneres." And I was like,
"Aw, you bet, huh? Well, let's put
some money on it, 'cause I bet she
fucking wouldn't." If I win, you have to let me
back on your cell phone plan. She's always trying to find
ways to get me on television. Like when she heard I
was getting divorced, she sent me a text that said, "Now that you're single
you can go on The Bachelor or Miss America." I was like, "Yeah,
'cause marriage is what was holding me back. From becoming Miss America." I'm pretty sure part of
the qualifications include, "Hasn't been paid in jello
shots to tell dick jokes." So I don't think I'm getting it. I was talking about the
foosball web series. So my entire family
and I are actually world-champion foosball players. Thank you. Thank you. I know it sounds
made up, I swear it's real. My parents met playing at a
professional foosball tournament in the eighties. So I literally wouldn't exist
if it weren't for foosball. Which is sad. But, you know, some
of you wouldn't exist if it weren't for boxed wine. So it's like, "Yeah, whatever." We're all a little garbage. Let's not judge each other. It gets weirder. Not only is
my dad a pro-foosball player, he's also a slam
poetry champion. And an international yo-yo man. Yeah, my dad has the sex
appeal of fanny pack. Crushing it. And my mom is in the
foosball hall of fame, and they've been
training me to play since I was like two years old. But since no one suspects that
I'm a pro-foosball player, I love to hustle people, right? And so I usually play against other comedians
on my web series. But we did this special episode where I went
undercover in Vegas, and I hustled drunk
dudes on the Vegas Strip. So I wore this low-cut top, I talked in the worst voice, and my camera crew and I
would go up to groups of guys and I'd go, "Hi,
my name's Kelsey. And I have this web
series where I do things that I've never done
before for the first time." "It's called Pop My Cherry." "It's silly, you know? So I've never played
foosball before, and we just found this table, and I was just wondering
if you guys wanna play me." And every group of guys is like, "Hell yeah, bitch, let's go." "Yeah. Play right now." So I would play the first game
terribly on purpose, right? I would giggle a bunch,
spin the rods a lot, really build up
their confidence. And then I go, "Okay,
so I think I've got the hang of it now,
and this is Vegas, so we should play for money." And every guy would put their
whole wallet on the table. And they'd hand me
the ball and go, "Here, you can serve first." And that's when I pull out
my foosball grip glove. Check mate, motherfucker. Yeah, I've never done cocaine, but I would assume
it's a similar rush. I've only done Parmesan cheese. Which... Also exhilarating. And a lot cheaper. So I mentioned that my ex and I, we were together for
a really long time. So we knew so much
about each other. But one thing that he
didn't know about me until toward the end, I told him that sometimes
I pee in the shower. And by sometimes
I mean every time. And don't you guys act
like you not do it too. We are all swamp monsters. There is no drug in
the history of time with a higher addiction rate
than peeing in the shower. Okay? You think you're
better than that, you think you're above doing it, and then you let
yourself do it one time. And you're like, "Well,
I guess I'm doing this every day for the
rest of my life." It is the best. I feel like
I'm on vacation every day. Just carefree living. And I thought that he and
I were gonna bond over it. You know? Like maybe we had
the same dirty little secret. And instead he was like, "What? Oh, gross. That means every time I shower I've just been
standing in your pee." I was like, "I do it
while I'm showering." Like, the water takes it
down the drain immediately. You're acting like I
walk into our bathroom, drop my pants,
stand in the shower, and just on dry porcelain
like a serial killer. And then get out,
put my pants back on, and just leave you a puddle
of urine like a feral cat. I was like, "I'm gonna
start peeing on your pillow, give you some real problems." This is nonsense. One of my friends told
me that apparently we're all supposed to
throw our pillows away once a year and get new ones. You guys been doing that? Feels good to be
gross together, huh? We all have such a weird
attitude toward pillows, 'cause they cost like 10 bucks, but we all keep the same
disgusting pillows for decades. Like it's the Great Depression. Like we're some old
prospector like, "Well, this here's the
pillow they gave me at the orphanage and
I'll be God damned if this ain't the same
pillow I die with." Why? Pillows and towels, right? Like, we never
get rid of towels. They just eventually become the ones you like
dry the dog with. Why are you holding
onto so many? Do we all think we're gonna
have like a home birth someday? I'm gonna stop some stuff up. My grandparents' towels
are historical artifacts at this point. I don't know if you've
visited your elders recently. They have washcloths that look like they were woven from wheat. I'm like, "Did this
belong to Jesus?" I feel like I'm drying
my face with a Triscuit. My eyelids are bleeding. So I got on dating apps for
the first time last year. And they let me onto the celebrity dating
app, which listen, obviously they use the term
celebrity real loosely. Okay? If they saw my Wiki Feet,
they'd be like, "Absolutely not. We got... She can't sit with us." Yeah, they let in
somebody who's 32 and still shops at Forever 21. So I for sure tricked them. I know that store is trash,
but I just can't stop going. I just love it so much. The last time I was there, I told the girl at the register
that I found a makeup stain on this tank top I wanted. And I asked if I
could get a discount. And she just stared at me
with dead eyes and was like, "It's already only 2.99." Like, "Do you want us to
just give you the tank top?" "And pay off your
student loans?" "This is Forever 21,
everything's stained. It's basically an
animal shelter." God, I love that store. The first date I went on
through the celebrity app was such a disaster. I went out with this guy who
was from Europe originally. So he had this really
thick European accent. And some of the words he said
sounded like other words. So he is telling me about
his cat and he goes, "Yeah, no, I love my cat,
but he rapes my shirts." And my brain was like,
"That can't be right." Nope. So I sat with it for a second
and I was like, "Oh, oh, he rips your shirts.
Okay, sorry, I just- I thought you said that
he rapes your shirts." And with zero hesitation,
this dude goes, "Yeah, no, he rapes my shirts. And I don't understand
why because he's neutered, but he will not stop
raping my shirts. So..." "Then I had to hide my shirts, and then I gave him a blanket, and now that's
his rape blanket." And I'm like, "What the fuck?" Am I on a hidden camera show? Where if this dude says rape
18 times before dessert, he wins a jet ski? Is this one of Ted
Bundy's kids? What? I just started
covering all my holes. I was like, "I don't like
this. This is a bad, bad vibe." So I was like, "All right, I'm gonna give this
five more minutes." So he starts telling me
that he goes on boats a lot. And I was like, "Oh, you ever
worry about shark attacks?" And I swear to God,
he goes, "Yeah, no, you don't really have to
worry about sharks so much, but you do have to
worry about dolphins, because they are the
rapists of the sea." I was like, "All right,
I'm out of here." Bye. Enjoy the jet ski,
I'm sure he won. Lunatic. That was my first
dating app experience. Fortunately, it's been
better since then. I'm seeing a guy
in his forties now. He has adult children. Okay? He has lived
more life than I have. He knows more things. And I told him
that I was hesitant to hook up with
him the first time because I was on my period. And he goes, "I
don't get why guys are ever grossed out by that. You're just shutting
your uterine lining." I was like, "That
is the hottest thing that anybody's ever said to me." I didn't even know that's
what happens during my period. I was like, "Okay,
Grey's Anatomy." Who are you? The bar was set real low
after ol' rape blanket. So... I'm gonna just do a gentle hop
over into my heart, you know? With your Snapple fun
facts about periods. I don't know any
of those things. Somebody could come up to me
on the street with a microphone and be like, "Ma'am,
for a million dollars, what happens during
your period?" And I'd be like, "I'm gonna go with
the egg is melting." They'd be like, "Were
you homeschooled?" My parents are playing
foosball, I don't know. They didn't teach
me these things. He's also the first
guy I've ever been with who has had a vasectomy. So I had some
questions about that. I was like, "When you
finish, is it clear?" Like that white Gatorade flavor? Just have glacier frost on tap? What's going on? I'm just trying
to prepare myself. I was like, "Does
it taste better when there aren't kids in it?" It's like, or maybe
it's just air, right? Like one of those
pressurized keyboard dusters. It was like, "Whoosh."
She's like, "Oh." Startles you. You got to point it away
or you'll lose an eye. You maybe fix a tire. Finally I just went
Bill Nye on his ass. I was like, "I am blowing
you in the name of science." This is field research
at this point. And turns out it's like normal. I guess it's kind of
like Beyond burger. Like, it looks the same. And then once it's in
your mouth you're like, "Something's missing." This is like diet cum. It's another joke I wrote
next to Wendell. He... Yeah, he got an
eyeful in that flight. Saw some things. A lot of my friends
are getting engaged and married right now. And one of them just
had an engagement party with her fiance. And they played
one of those games where they have signs
that say, "Him and her," and they held them up when
they got asked questions like, "Who's the better cook? Hm?" Who takes longer to get ready? We're all just like, Oh my god. I'm like, you guys
are getting married, let's get into some real shit, like who has a drinking problem? Who's settling? I'm like, let me
run this game, huh? And we'll call it
"Getting Cold Feet". Let's test drive
this son of a gun. So one of the things
that I learned that was hard in going
from being married and living with somebody
for eight years, into being single
and living alone is that no one
touches you anymore. And I know it sounds
weird to say it like that, but if you live with somebody, there's like a fair
amount of touching that happens throughout the day. So my lowest point
in quarantine, I started watching
ASMR videos on YouTube where a girl would hold a
hairbrush up to the camera lens and she would simulate that
she was brushing your hair. And I would just ram my
forehead up against my laptop. Like, "Uh, pet me Rachel. You dirty bitch." As soon as businesses opened up, I made all of the
touching appointments. I was like, I'm getting a
massage, I'm getting a manicure. Look, I made a
dentist appointment just 'cause I missed feeling
somebody in my mouth. Okay? Don't you judge me. It was hard. My dentist is this like
65-year old Armenian man. I was like, "Floss
it up, daddy." Use your toys. He was like, "I prefer
you call them tools." I was like, "Dmitri,
I need this. Hush your lips. Just tell me when to spit." One of the appointments I had
made was for a bikini wax. And I had been going to salons before COVID to
get bikini waxes. I had tried doing some of
those like at home kits, and I just learned that
there are some parts of my nethers that I do not
have the strength of spirit to wax myself. Listen to me, if you
can wax your own lips, you're a psychopath. That is some Steve-O
Jackass-level masochism. I want no part of it. So I'd been going to the salons, and then the salons
closed for six months and things got scary. There's so many beautiful
women here tonight. I feel like a lot of
women started 2020 with like a landing strip and by July it was
just a full airport. You can land anywhere. There's a Cinnabon
and a Panda Express. There's a shuttle that takes
you to a rental car lot. I mean... Employees, W-9s,
it's a lot going on. So finally the
salons opened back up and I immediately
made an appointment. And I remembered there's that
rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to
be able to pick it up. - [Audience Member] Oh my God. - And... Do we need a medic? Are
you okay? Are you... Too much for you? She's like, "It's a 7:30 show, I didn't know what this was." I... I don't like hockey, and we
had a groupon, but she's... She's like, "This is
not the Christian way." I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. So I remembered
there's that rule that the hair has to be at
least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to
be able to pick it up. And I looked down and was like, "Well, that's not
gonna be a problem." But for the first time
in my life I worried that maybe it's bad
if the hair is longer than a quarter inch. So I called the salon. So embarrassing. I was like, "Hey. I have an appointment today,
itâ–ˆs been a rough quarantine. Is there like a maximum hair requirement?" And this poor girl just goes, "I mean, how long
are we talking?" And I wasn't prepared
to answer that. So I panicked and was like,
"We could probably donate it." No. Like, I don't know if
Locks of Love specifies which type of hair they accept, but maybe somebody
needs fake eyelashes. I don't know. We don't- We don't know where
that hair comes from. I'll just throwing 'em on and
praying, but could be pubes. I don't know. Basically, I feel
like a lot of us were walking around
kind of looking like the opposite of a
porn star in 2020, right? Which is totally fine. My friend Jay actually told
me that my celebrity lookalike is this porn star
named Jesse Rogers. So I googled her and the
first picture that popped up was her doing hardcore anal. And got a little creeped out
realizing that my friend Jay saw that and thought... "You know who this
reminds me of? Ol' gap and butthole, Kelsey." Yeah. Oh, backdoor club,
look at her go. A plus. What is the matter
with you, Jay? But by the way, it's
so nice to be able to tell that joke
in person again, because I've had to to tell
it on mostly virtual shows the past two years. And I realized that
halfway through the joke, everybody would just
open a new browser. It would just get really
quiet and I'd be like, "Hello? Everybody, show me your hands. I don't trust you.
What are you doing?" I had to check into a
hotel on the road recently, and it was early in the morning. And the woman checking me
on, which is a little older, and she goes, "I just
have to tell you, you look so much
like Amy Adams, huh? I don't know if
you ever hear that, but you really look like her." And it took all of my strength
to not pull my phone out and be like, "You know who everybody
else says I look like?" And just... Just really blast her with a
B hole at 8:00 AM, I just... I couldn't do it. I do think that Jesse Rogers
and I, we do look alike. We have some different hobbies. You know, I've never
just sat on a lava lamp. For example. Like my ex-husband and I,
we didn't even buy a sex toy until seven years
into the relationship. We had just been
Flintstone-ing that shit. Just very little
house on the prairie, just churning
butter, very innocent. We ended up buying one of
those vibrating wand things. And I gotta be honest,
never liked it. Way too intense for me.
Even on the lowest setting. This thing is like
for blasting rocks. I was like, "Is
this what you women have been using
this whole time?" I barely touched it to my body, my feet lifted off the ground. I took flight. I was not turned on at
all; I was terrified. I was like, "Did I just
puree my clit? Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no." This thing is meant for
industrial kitchens. Okay? It's for liquefying raw
vegetables. It's crazy. So I ended up asking some
of my friends about it, and it turns out that
they have this toy and they use it on
the highest setting in order to have an orgasm. I was like, "How have
you not completely erased your vagina?" Just sanded it down to a
smooth slab of granite. Like a Barbie crotch. Yeah, go bowling on it. And something I've
learned about you dudes is that a lot of you guys
like stuff that vibrates too. So one night before the divorce, my ex and I were out drinking. I'd had a few gin and hams. As you do. And when we got home, I was just feeling a
little extra spicy. So I decided to crank it to 10 just to see what would happen. And the moment I touched it
to his junk, his balls... Woo. Went up inside his body. I didn't even know
they could do that. I was just staring
at him like... Do they stay up there until
you sneeze really hard? How do you get them back? Have to do a hard man Kegel? A couple minutes went
by, didn't see anything. I panicked. I started pushing on his belly
bone really hard, like... Kinda trying to eject quarters
out of a skeeball machine. I was like, "Come
on, get outta there." Another few minutes,
still nothing. I was like, "Oh, I think those
are ovaries now. I'm sorry." "I think I gave you an
accidental gender change." Oops. So I'm in therapy.
Anybody here in therapy? Oh, wow. That's a nice response. Usually it's just one
person that's like, "Help." Let's talk to you. Yeah, I think
therapy is amazing. But I guess not everybody
always needs therapy. Some people do need therapy. And you can usually tell
who those people are because they say things like, "I don't need any
fucking therapy." "I prefer to be a burden
to my loved ones." You're like, "Uh, sir,
this is an Arby's. Why are you shouting?" "You're alarming the children." I had to work on my
self-worth in therapy, because I kept attracting
some of the wrong people. One of my friends told
me this quote, she said, "Once you know your worth, you'll stop giving
people discounts." And I was like,
"Well, slap my tits and call me groupon, baby." Boy, I've been out here like, "Hey, you got a personality
disorder and no job? This pussy is 90% off. Hey." No credit, no
problem. Get in here. That makes it sound like my
life has been a dick buffet. It has not. I have a very low body count. I love that that's what
we call it, body count. Like we're all just fucking
people to death like... It sounds so System of a
Down for no reason. You know? I think I would have
a higher body count if STDs didn't exist, but I'm just so
terrified to ever get one that I don't wanna gamble. Like, I just can't
believe that in 2022, our best defense against
them is still just condoms in the honor system. Scouts honor, bro. I'm like, "You lied
about your height. I'm supposed to trust
you on chlamydia? No." Kick rocks. Get outta here. I was reading online that
some of the very first condoms back in the 1800s
were really thick. Like they used to basically
just cut up bike tires. And they've obviously
gotten thinner over time, which I'm sure was a
guy's idea, you know? I bet the women back
then were pissed. Like, "But keep it girthy." "Keep that deep dish condom on." "We don't have electricity,
this is the only joy I have." I had a woman come to
one of my shows recently who I think was from the 1800s. She was very old. And she came up to me
afterward and she was like, "I was a makeup
artist for 30 years." And at this point I'm thinking,
"Oh, I think she's about to compliment my
makeup. That's so nice." And then she goes, "Your face was so oily
when you were on stage." "It was the only thing
I could look at." The lights were
hitting it so bright that I had to squint
to look at you." And that's when I
heard my brain say, "Well, tonight's the
night we go to jail for throat-punching
someone's nana." Do you just hit a certain
age where you walk around like, "Fuck it, burn
it to the ground." And just traumatizing people? I'm like, "Who is this
woman's poor husband?" You know? We gotta save them. I just picture him
getting outta the shower and she's like, "Your
balls make me sick." Of course, I didn't
say any of that to her. I was just like, "What
powder do you recommend?" I have no backbone. I've also become self-conscious
of this very specific thing. Did you girls have that
dress code in middle school were you had to wear
shorts that were longer than the length of your
fingertips to your sides? Okay, all right. To prevent girls from
wearing booty shorts. So that was the day I learned
I have freakishly long arms. For my short height.
I'm only five four. All the girls had a lineup
and we put our arms down, and I don't know if you can
see what's happening right now. I'll show you on this side too. But I did this and I looked
down and I was like, "Oh, no." "I'm gonna have to
wear men's JNCO jeans." "To not get expelled." I'm just rolling into home back with my chain wallet
and lugs like... Let's bake these muffins, Diane. The third member of
the Insane Clown Posse. I don't know much about
the Insane Clown Posse, but it does make me laugh
picturing those guys having to take their makeup
off at the end of the night. Because they just, they
seem so tough on stage. Like, "I'm gonna stab this
dude and bang your chick." And then two hours
later they're like, "These Neutrogena
wipes are lovely. Oh." "They don't burn my eyes." So before I started headlining, I used to open on tour for
a comedian named Jim Norton. Anybody here Jim Norton fan? Nice. Got some Jim
heads in the house. So Jim's favorite thing to
do is to humiliate people. And I made the
mistake of telling him that I embarrass very
easily for a comedian. And he just milked that every
day for three years on tour. When we were in public, he would constantly
accuse me of shoplifting. We would be checking
out at a CVS pharmacy, and just deadpan, in
front of the cashier, he would turn to me and go, "Are you not gonna pay for
all the things in your purse?" I would just start shivering
like a shelter chihuahua. Like I would just end
up paying for a lipstick that I've owned for five years. I was like, "Just take
my money. I'm so sorry." I hate this. It was traumatizing. By far, the most embarrassing
thing he would do, he would do with his bodyguard, we traveled with this
seven-foot tall guy named Kenny. Picture Frankenstein
with less people skills. Just an oaf. And I don't know if you women
have ever ordered anything on victoriassecret.com, but sometimes you get that
free tote bag with purchase. If you have even a
shred of self-respect, you immediately throw it in
the garbage where it belongs. I used it as my day-to-day
purse for seven years. I have no dignity. And says "Victoria's Secret"
in big letters on the sides, like it's very obnoxious. And I would travel with this. So when we were on tour, we'd have to get to the
airport at five in the morning. And you guys know how you look
at the airport at 5:00 AM, right? Just greasy,
disheveled, gross. So I'd look like that,
and I'd have this bag. And everybody's just quietly
shuffling about the airport. And all of a sudden, his
bodyguard would shout, "Victoria's Secret
model coming through." And everybody, and
I mean everybody, would stop and look at me
wide-eyed and then go... Do you know how quickly your
self-esteem goes in the toilet when you can watch a hundred
people decide in half a second, "No, she's not."
Like, "Oh, right." She's gonna go walk into
traffic now. Thanks. So I'm from Washington
state originally, and they just passed
this new legislation that is banning
schools from continuing to use Native American
mascots, which is great. And the high school I went to, our mascot was the Black Hawks. And it takes a
linguistic specialist to tell the difference between somebody
saying Black Hawks... And black cocks. And let me tell you, it
was pretty wild growing up, going to football games and
watching a dozen cheerleaders shout to a stand of parents, "We love Black Hawks, yes we do. We love Black Hawks,
how about you?" And then watching everybody
on the other team be like, "What the fuck?" It's like the mating
call of the Kardashians. So I had my bachelorette
party down in Vegas, and we went to the
Magic Mike live show. Has anybody here mention of
the Magic Mike live show? Oh, we got a few. Oh, are you still wet? Hey. Girl, it is crazy what
happens at this show. They brought it back during
COVID, which surprised me because if we are
concerned about droplets, women are gushing
fluid at this show. Medically it's a problem. Okay? It changes the
humidity in the room. Women with straight hair
leave with curly hair. It's like a Rainforest
Cafe in there. That air is thick. Three Cs But now that the show's
back, you gotta go. Oh, it is the cream
of the cock, just... Chef's kiss. For two hours, these
oiled-up six packs just grind the stage
and they sing to you, they like the cream
off your body, and then they bring
some women on stage, and then they take your top off, and then they take your pants
off, and then they fuck you. No, I'm kidding. I just wanna see how
far you guys were going with me on that part. Did you hear how
quiet it got here? Could you feel every
woman just slowly leaning further forward
her seat, like... Pulling out her phone,
checking flights to Vegas. "Taxi." Were you like, "Was I in the
bathroom when that happened? How'd I miss that?" No, they don't do that,
that'd be pretty dope. Probably charge a
lot more for tickets. But you do get a
lot for your money. At the end of the show they
do bring some women on stage and then they put
you in harnesses, and they put one of
the guys beneath you, and you get to like ride
the men into the sky like, "Free Willie." They get you hornier
than you've ever been in your entire life. And then they just
set you loose. Back into the wild. Single dudes, if you were
ever trying to fuck in Vegas, just go stand outside
the Magic Mike exit. Like a catcher. We're running outta there,
holes open like a starfish, ready to go. Oh. That's something TripAdvisor
doesn't tell you, and that's what I'm here for. I'm like your a creepy uncle. I'm just helping you get laid. I would like to go
back to the show, but not for anything
wedding-related, because there's usually
two types of women that go. The host comes out and he goes, "All right ladies,
make some noise if you're here for a
bachelorette party." There's a bunch of young 20
something girls that are like: "Oh my god, penises, woo." And then the host
goes, "All right, now who here's
celebrating a divorce?" And it's just one table of
women in their forties like, "Gimme your dick." You're like, "Oh my God." Thank you guys so much for
coming out tonight, Denver. You've been amazing.
Thank you so much. Welcome back to Pop My Cherry. Tell me what are the rules? - Well, basically
shoot for the goal, throw in the middle and
spin. And you try to- - Just spin it like
as fast as you can? - Yeah, pretty much.
- Am I going? Oh, I'm going that way. - Yeah, you're going this way. - Do you guys wanna like
make a bet or something? Like try and make it
more like high stakes? - I'll buy you a drink
if you win, sure. Yeah. That's fair.
- Okay. - Damn. She really hustles. - She definitely knows what
she's doing. She's a pro. - I hate you.
- Yep. - One.
- Two, three, go. One, two, three, go. - Whoa.
- Again. - Come on. I'm not
allowed to cuss you out? - Cuss me out? - You said you're
not allowed to- - There's no ref here.
- Fuck you. - [Announcer] Thank
you very much.
