Church Basketball Player from Tennessee - Nate Bargatze: Comedy Central Presents - Full Special

comedy central presents nate varghezi yes yeah thank you thank you wow wow everybody crazy i'm proud of every one of you all right every one of you i'm proud of different it is great to be here very fun to be in new york i uh i live here so that's why it's fun i'm from tennessee though originally and i still have a little bit of an accent because like people hear it they always come up they're always like oh what's up where's your accent from i'm like tennessee like oh that's cool i have a cousin that lives in florida all right i don't even are we just naming states is that what's going on i don't know what when i moved to new york though what's funny is like new york acts like it's a big melting pot because it's like all the different cultures oh we all melt together and everything and then you move here and realize like it's not a melting pot at all it's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots it's good stuff it's good my landlord is a chinese pot and which is fun she only hires like old chinese dudes to fix her stuff so like when they come over like they don't speak english and like i'm not gonna learn another language uh i have barely knocked this one out so so when he fixes stuff you guys hope he does the right thing you know because you can't tell them not maybe comes over starts fixing the couch you're like alright i guess that's what he's fixing today i don't know why we would ask him to do that but one day he came over and our gas heat broke so he comes over to fix it and i'm standing outside and i see him like he's like downstairs and you see like a fireball just explode like at him so like it like likes it he runs outside and you get like we're both standing there and you could just see that like we both wish we could talk to each other at that point we're just like [Applause] okay that's all i got i got nothing nothing i missed this i miss going down there i got i can miss like being able to go to walmart very easily i'm a walmart guy i like them a lot of people don't like walmart they say it's big business like it kills the mom and pop shops but really walmart they wear a mom-and-pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable so yeah i just stuck with them they're always open mom and pop shops closed for no reason you go in there like why are you close today like we're sad you're like all right that's not even that's not even a legit legit thing walmart you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again that's how great walmart is it's unbelievable the best went to school in tennessee which is fun i went i went to a community college for an entire year and i do not have one credit it didn't like none of it counted the reason is because i had to take remedial classes so which remedial basically means they're like look we have no idea how your high school that you leave and we are shocked and we're actually going to look into it but but until the end here's your classes you're going to take here's what i took i took math like i don't like the book said math like that's what how crazy is that they stopped calling it math after like sixth grade i i had to take reading i took reading i drove to that class i drove to a reading class i'm not even an immigrant i am from here i should have knocked that out years ago and with reading i think they were just impressed when you made it to the class look who made it today buddy you're like funny guys you guys are good the best and always like it shot down my dream because i wanted to play college basketball and that that didn't work out it didn't work out because i got cut every year for my high school basketball team so i had to play for my church because yeah the church cannot cut you they have to let you play which is nice that's a good you know they would be i guess they could cut you out you'd be pretty bad like look we think you're good but jesus does not think you're that good yeah he is our captain so and church ball was a lot different too because we played it was a half court no three-point line we played on carpet that's your first sign it's not going to count and they didn't give us a basketball we didn't have a ball like we would just stand out there and play on honesty so you'd be like i just made it was like oh that's a good shot you're really good i stole it i forgive you for stealing it it was moral points it counts later you have to be careful i just read about uh there's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got it's like a keyless device and you press it it's got a heartbeat detector on it so you aim it at your car you press it if it flashes that means like someone is in your car and they're going to kill you all right it's not going to be good so you press it if you want to buy it it's like 550 bucks if you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window that it's either way really it's up to you i told one guy that he tried to tell me that was for like when people leave their babies in the car like you know like when you go out and you're like i cannot remember if i brought my baby today and i don't want to walk all the way back and check like what if it's not there if it's not there i'm gonna look like a jackass in front of my friends i wish i could check secretly without everybody knowing here's my method for if someone's going to hide in my car and they're going to kill me it's a huge fear of mine so what i do is uh right when i start my car i have journey don't stop believing in my cd player so right when i start it it's right on the don't stop believing part because that's a great song like you couldn't commit a murder to that song that is that good of a song that guy would want to and then he would like just be fury he'd just get up like look that's a really good tune all right you got me and then you climb up front with you and you become friends and that's it's just a neat story they're like how do you know dennis dennis he was a murderer turns out pretty big journey fan actually a good guy once you get to know him he's good he's good he's a good guy i've got to travel a lot which is fun i get to go like i go to like different countries and i i don't deserve to get like i don't know where these countries are at i just go i didn't learn about any of like i learned about tennessee i learned about the states that touched us in case they attacked and yeah and i was told the rest was europe and that's where all the gays lived so i didn't have a passport you know i was young i got to go to bahrain which was fun i someone's from bahrain are you really that's crazy i had no idea it was a country i'll be honest with you three years ago i called you a liar because you're from bahrain i literally thought it was the guy we were meeting like that's what i just assumed i just walked around bahrain's airport like hey do you know this guy bahrain he's supposed to meet us here is he somewhere near here when we went to bahrain we were doing we did comedy with the troops where i don't have like a huge following in bahrain but i could start though the one guy right here so it's one at a time i so we go over there and when you do come true that you stay on an army base but in bahrain you can actually leave the base and go to like the downtown bahrain so they tell you when you go out there they're like look it's safe just don't draw attention to yourself so they're like don't wear american t-shirts and stuff and you're like all right that's fine no american t-shirts so what are you gonna do about the white on my skin yeah that's probably gonna be the issue if i i don't want him to come up like excuse me are you muslim uh southern muslim actually is that my dad was a deacon so that you know i really want to go visit uh cambodia that's where it's at guys like i don't know where it's at but i know that's where it's at so that's the good part you know here's what they have in cambodia this is a for real legit tourist attraction that they have you can shoot a rocket launcher at a cow [Applause] yeah that's one of their options all right and i know you're like all right i bet it's pricey so no it's not actually it's very reasonably priced which is nice it's only 400 bucks that's not that bad of a deal to shoot a rocket launcher at a cow and if you're like well what if we don't hit it you know is it really worth it to take the family there yes it is all right no one hits it everyone shoots it they're like i do this a lot at home like this is kind of and they're good dudes they give you 200 bucks back if you don't hit it so that's a good business why would you not support a business like that i my favorite thing was like how they had to come up with that price 400 bucks what on earth are you gauging that off of like someone's like 500 let's not get greedy with it i feel i've been doing some studies and you can fist fight a goat for 100 bucks down the street he's not even into it we're using equipment so [Applause] that would be an unbelievable way to hunt a rocket launcher they just shoot like at the woods and kill that's like a buffet you kill like a lot of stuff that's nice that'd be fun animals have it the worst they were they died terrible deaths i heard a story this kid he had two goldfish so he grabbed one of them he squeezed it it exploded yeah it's pretty crazy i don't feel bad for that goldfish like you know he died quickly i feel bad for the other goldfish that just has to deal with that trauma now you know insane that would be they're not gonna buy this kid another fish he's killing him like he's got a fl imagine if you're locked in a room with someone and they just exploded it would change your life forever you're like can i get someone else to talk to they're like no you're like what are you going to deal with this in my own head it's the worst life ever i still like to eat animals too though like i don't that story doesn't make me not eat animals i i like chicken a lot i'm a big fan of chicken it's weird now because i went to the store the other day to buy some and when i was there they have now they have like two kinds of chicken that you can buy so they have a free-range chicken is one and then they have i guess like a not free range like i think his parents were divorced or some i don't i don't know so they want you to eat the free-range chicken which is a chicken that is allowed to roam free uh obviously not now like he is dead at the store but they still have a list of his hobbies on the package which i thought that's pretty nice of them you know but i i don't want to eat that chicken i feel bad i don't need a chicken that had a dream and that was that chicken life was great for that guy i just want a miserable not free-range chicken i wanted a chicken though when they killed it he was like look i'm ready for this all right this is brutal this is the worst oh when i was at uh when i was at the grocery store i got caught like in this weird like thing with this dude so i was standing in line and i was behind this guy this white guy and i he pulled out the white race card now i don't know if y'all knew we had a card but he like had one so i'm standing behind him and i just hear him like argue like i hear him just go like uh what is it cause i'm white is that why you're doing this because i'm white and he looked at me like his brother like hey are you gonna get involved you're gonna come on i was like sitting there i was like no i i'm not getting involved in this i'm not ready for something like this i think i think you're the first guy ever to try this to be honest with you i'm not prepared at all if you wanted me to help you you should have pulled me aside earlier you should have grabbed me like look i'm gonna make history today do you be a part of this or not it's your call so i'm married we have a lot of married people here tonight a few some that's fun it's fun i don't know i've been married four years now and uh it is it's getting pretty serious to tell you the truth a lot a lot more serious than i thought i always have like i got other buddies that are getting married now so they always like want to come talk to me so i always tell they're like what's it like here's what it is i'm just told everybody marriage is like you ever go to a concert and you see a mosh pit and you're like you know what i'm gonna go get in that mosh pit but then once you get in it you're like i do not want to be in the smosh pit at all i am going to leave and go get some beer then the mosh pit's like didn't you drink last night all right mosh pit once you get off my back and let me live my life why [Applause] my wife's good though she's put up she put up through a ton with me like she i remember three months into our marriage one night i came home and i was like really drunk i was hammered and i know she loves that so i spoil her a little bit i'm like a pretty decent guy so we go to bed and uh all right i'll be honest with you i peed the bed yeah it shouldn't have that's pretty good though i kind of like blamed it on her like i i remember i just woke up and i go hey uh what's wet all right did you pour a perfect circle of water underneath me a flawless circle she she was like no you peed the bad what is wrong with you did i marry you or did i have you i have no idea at this point you know what it is here's what it is guys uh we're just not good guys are not good at marriage all right it's not our fault we weren't prepared for it like women are your whole life is built just preparation for marriage look at all every toy you played with when you're a baby they give you a baby doll so they give you a baby when you're a baby you don't even know you're alive yet and they're like look i would probably start figuring this out like this is where it's going then they give you barbie and ken they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama you get you get the best you're the best then you would play house like you would like fake vacuum just fake vacuum with your friends that was awesome and it's weird because when i see my wife vacuum now i'm like she is living her childhood dream she's made it [Applause] as a as a guy we don't have any of that what do we like we play fort you got to keep everybody out of where you are especially girls the only toys we had were transformers and ninja turtles those aren't even real things none of them had wives they weren't married i i never played with my ninja turtles and i had them going to fight shredder and then michelangelo was like hey can y'all give me two seconds my wife just showed up and she looks furious about something what what do you want from me and she's like what are y'all doing what's that april skank doing here you're like listen she's a reporter i got in trouble with my wife because like on her on her last birthday i i got her an oven all right pretty nice oven take it easy and the reason i bought an oven because like i know like the vacuum her other favorite toy as a kid was the easy bake oven so to go with her big girl vacuum i got her [Applause] i so to go their big girl vacuum i got her a like grown up adult oven like there was heart behind it like that's not you know like that's not impressive if she came home and bought me a truck and it turned into a live robot i would lose my mind freak out thank you guys so much for coming out thank you thank you [Music] okay [Music] okay [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,067,335

Keywords: Nate Bargatze, comedy central presents, Nate Bargatze comedy central presents, Nate Bargatze comedy central, Nate Bargatze comedian, Nate Bargatze stand up, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, Tennessee, accents, moved to new York, Walmart, community college, remedial classes, basketball, church ball, Bahrain, animals, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, full stand up special

Id: WyX4uqcBrto

Length: 21min 6sec (1266 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 12 2022